A Piratical Legacy Chapter 9 - College Daze Part 1

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Chapter 9 College Daze Part 1 "'Ello, mates!" *hic* Hello, Ephemeral Toast. You know, it's nine in the morning. Drinking already? "I gots a reputation to maintain, mate." *hic* You want to maintain your reputation as 'the keg girl' that you earned in Gage's Bachelor Challenge? "Well, there's that, mate, and..." *hic* And? "Just look at the next picture, mate, but don't say I didn't warn ye..." ------ Ephemeral Toast writes Apocalypso-A-Go-Go, an apocalypse Legacy. She's also the Simself currently winning (losing?) Gage's Bachelor Challenge.

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Transcript of A Piratical Legacy Chapter 9 - College Daze Part 1

  • Chapter 9 College Daze Part 1"Ello, mates!" *hic* "Well, theres that, mate, and..." *hic*Hello, Ephemeral Toast. You know, its nine in the morning. And?Drinking already? "Just look at the next picture, mate, but dont say I didnt warn ye...""I gots a reputation to maintain, mate." *hic* ------You want to maintain your reputation as the keg girl that you earned Ephemeral Toast writes Apocalypso-A-Go-Go, an apocalypsein Gages Bachelor Challenge? Legacy. Shes also the Simself currently winning (losing?) Gages Bachelor Challenge.
  • AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
  • "Youre telling me, Sarah. You know, she would be the exact spitting image of Gage, wouldnt she?"Erm... Sorry about that, Marina. I honestly thought shed turn out cuter. Everyone said that Gage makes pretty girls!"Well my little Elphaba kind of throws that theory out of the water, now doesnt it?"Erm... yes?-----Marina, aka smoothiequeen87, writes the Fitzhugh LegacyGage is the creation of Candi, writer of the Uglacy and Prettacy
  • But you know, Marina, shes really not all that bad... "Horrors!""Horrors!" "Im going to kill you, Sarah."Excuse me, did you say something Elphaba? ------"Horrors!" See Wicked, written by Gregory Maguire, to get the whole Elphaba/Horrors reference.Oh, how cute! Shes learned her first word, Marina!
  • And now we return to our regularly scheduled Legacy. This is the ninth installment of A Piratical Legacy, and Ivy Buccaneer (our generation threeheiress) has just entered university in Paris. Its traditional for her family members to attend Academie Le Tour in Paris, and shes keeping up withthat tradition. But Ivy has a loftier goal than her parents or her siblings: she intends to become the Galactic Overlord Queen of the Cosmos. Howshe intends to achieve that... Im not really sure."Listen, Goddess, can you just get on with things? Im the star of both parts of this enormous chapter you insisted on and I want to get to thewoohooing, okay?"Yes, thats right. In case you forgot, Ivys Romance. Fun!
  • And here we see her first victim, some random dormie who got conned into doing her term paper."I told him that he could do my homework for me and he practically jumped at the chance, goddess!"Actually, I believe that. Ivys got charisma coming out the wazoo."Plus, I told him it would be unwise to disobey his Queen."You arent exactly a queen yet, Ivy."Oh? Whos to say Im not a queen, goddess?"Who indeed. This should prove interesting.
  • Our faithful dorm placeholder, Marla Biggs. Shes been painting that same portrait for a couple of generations worth of Pirates, now. Despite herrather fetching makeover (courtesy of Meadow Thayer, Jack Buccaneers girlfriend), Marla has been rather ignored.
  • Whatcha doin, Ivy?"A queen must be a brilliant tactician, goddess. Ill have a lot of enemies at court once Im finished university, and I have to get used tomanipulating people and events to my advantage. Grandpa haunted the bear again and suggested that I brush up on my chess skills and I figured itcouldnt hurt."
  • Ivy had one minion already, but one minion is never enough for a queen looking to win the hearts of an entire cosmos. She moved on to her nextvictim soon enough.
  • "Professor, have I ever told you how well your hair matches your eyes?""Wow, Ivy, youre the first student whos ever said that to me!"
  • Things were progressing well for our young heiress. She had a loyal cadre of supporters in dorm. She was slowly but surely wooing her professors.But she had higher things on her mind than mere school.
  • Like those who had gone before her in the Buccaneer line, Ivy practiced her manners and deportment. But she didnt try too hard. She was thequeen, and what she decreed would be law anyway--even her take on etiquette would be what was practiced in her future kingdom, so if shewanted to eat chilli with her hands and spray it on the person across from her, that was her prerogative.
  • "Greetings, peon. I am Queen Ivy.""Gosh, a real Queen? I thought you French didnt really hold with monarchs...""The French do not hold with monarchs, as a general rule... but I am only one eighth French. The rest of me is Pirate Queen, through and through!""Wow, that sure sounds interesting, your highness. Umm... am I supposed to curtsy when I talk to you?"
  • "Greetings, commoner.""Oh wow, Ive heard all about you! Youre that crazy lady from that rickety little island out in the middle of--""Silence, knave!""Geez... you dont have to be so touchy."
  • "You are pretty hot for a queen, though.""I accept your compliment with favor, subservient one. Perhaps at a future date you may be one of my concubines for a time.""Hot, but weird."
  • As her homework was being taken care of by her dormie minions, to me right now."Ivy headed out to some of the hot spots on campus to round up moresupport for her monarchy. "Listen, Queenie, I dont care what they say about you. Youre okay. That kind of attitude is just what some of my friends and I are"Ah, I have heard of you, mysterious Serf In Black. You are looking for. If you can meet up with two more of my buddies weaffianced to my aunt Celeste, are you not?" might just let you into our association.""Right, shes mentioned you. Youre the normal one?" "What are you talking about, serf?""I am your Queen and Overlord, serf. You ought to be paying tribute "Just... trust me. All the monarchs are doing it!"
  • Well, those words proved to be incentive enough. Ivy immediately set out in search of more who might be close friends of Other-Alan the Serf. Ifthere was an exclusive club that catered to monarchs and future monarchs, she wanted in!
  • "Eddie, do you know anything about this club Other-Alan told me about?""Well, Ive heard rumors, sis, but nothing concrete. I will say this, though... look for the ugliest sims you can find and youll probably run into moremembers of this so-called secret society.""Ill take your advice under consideration, Eddie. And thanks! Ill remember that you helped me when Im powerful and mighty. You might justfind yourself rewarded!""Thanks, sis... anyway, I ought to be heading back to the Greek house. Tosha said shes got another enzyme formulation she wants me to look at.Say, you should pledge in soon! I think weve got enough room for you..."
  • "Would you say that youre planning to be an autocratic despot or a despotic autocrat?""Oh, despotic autocrat defintely.""Well, Ivy, I have to say that we of the society are impressed. Ive got to head back and confer with my brothers and sisters, but if all goes as Ithink it will, someone should be by to talk to you about membership tomorrow night.""Excellent! Are there lots of other kings and queens in your group?"
  • Yet another dormie falls under Ivys mysterious spell. Seriously, shes in her first term and shes already Big Sim on Campus. If she werePopularity instead of Romance, shes have the 20 Best Friends want in the bag at this point.
  • Ivys subjects are always willing to do her bidding and help her pass her classes with flying colors. After all, what are subservient workers for?
  • Unfortunately, being a queen also has its downside, especially one as beloved as Ivy. Shes constantly having to deal with dormie serfs trying tohug her, and Ivys not a very touchy-feely kinda gal (for a Romance sim)."Get your unwashed hands away from me!""Sorry, highness!"
  • Said dormie serf stalked Ivy for several days thereafter, including during her Greek house interview. Fortunately, the pledging period was just aformality since Ivy was related to most of the members, and soon-to-be-related to the rest of them.
  • "You want me to do WHAT for extra credit?"*whisperwhisper*"Ooh, Professor! Youre being rather familiar with your queen for a mere peasant, I must say!"
  • "Oh hey, youre that, like, dorky girl Meadow gave a makeover to in the last chapter, arent you."
  • "She may be a jerk but dang, shes hot!""Goddess, the dorky girl is staring at me."Her name is Marla, Anne."Like Ill ever remember that!"
  • "Hey, uh, Mandy, do you know the school cheer?""Geez, Anne, I may not be popular but Im also not deaf or stupid... you and Meadow only chanted that stupid thing day and night for an entire yearwhen you lived here in dorm. And my names Marla."
  • "..But you know, Ive always thought you were the best cheerleader on the squad. Better than Meadow, even!""Wow, Martha, that totally means a lot coming from you. Youre Meadows best friend, arent you?""Well... yeah. And my names Marla.""Sorry, Mona.""Marla.""Right."
  • "It took you long enough! Ravi told me you would be here a few weeks ago! Queens dont like being kept waiting! I mean, honestly! Ive been sodistracted I havent even managed to attract any new minions!"
  • "Can the chitchat, lady.""This is no way to treat your monarch."
  • "Im the hottest thing this society has ever seen!"Hrm... you might be right about that, Ivy. Meantime, lets see what your brothers and sister have been up to for the past year, mmmkay?
  • Meadow and Anne were pretty much up to their old tricks.
  • "Jack, could you and your man-purse, like, tell Meadow that she just needs to resign from the cheerleading squad gracefully?""Anne, I am going to pretend that I didnt hear you complaining about my sweet little porkchop just now. I would hide bodies for you, but you haveto do the dirty work yourself. Capisce?"
  • Meadow and Eddie became disturbingly close and heart-farted over each other at every opportunity - whenever they werent pillow-fighting.
  • Toni juggled, because she is a dirty Pleasure sim like her grandfather Jack and is nearly impossible to keep happy.Toni is Anne, Jack, Eddie, and Ivys cousin courtesy of generation two spare Elisabeth and her husband Shannon.
  • Meadow teased Jack by insisting on hanging out in Eddie and Toshas bedroom whenever she wanted to chitchat, but shed decided long ago thatshe wasnt going to woohoo with anyone until after she was married."Honestly, Jack... one unfortunate fashion choice as a teenager and a few too many first kisses and my reputation is tarnished forever. And thatswhy I cant woohoo with you until after were married. Im determined to prove hundreds of Legacy writers wrong!"
  • Jack took out his frustrations on the poor defenseless shower."Frustrations nothing, goddess. This here showerhead is behind on its insurance money. Im just sending a little message through the pipeline to theshower in the next stall..."
  • The Greek house expanded in size because there wasnt nearly enough room for all the stuff that Toni, dirty little Pleasure Sim that she is, insistedon having for her little 500 aspiration point increments.
  • Anne, when she wasnt practicing her cheers, spent most of her semester wooing her two professors. This ensured that she got good grades withouttouching her homework.
  • Ahh... Tosha, Eddies fiancee. I think this is the first picture youve appeared in this chapter."Ive been researching tiger genetics, goddess. Eddie and I are pretty sure well be able to accomplish our goal of turning into tiger-sim hybrids. Itactually doesnt look that hard... although I think well need a little divine help."Well, youll be living off the Legacy lot so I can cheat any way you need once you leave uni, Tosha."Great!""I want to juggle."You... go and do that, Toni.
  • Celeste... the oldest inhabitant of the Buccaneer family Greek house. Shes actually everyone elses aunt - shes Mary and Elisabeths youngest sisterand was actually born when they were at college... and I see that Celeste is working very hard on her term paper."Animated pixelsDo as I demand.Your every whimIs at my commandFor without my helpYou cant even standOn your snowboard."Shes also a stereotypical emo/goth/poet sort.
  • More "research", Anne?"Go away, goddess."
  • Ahh... the other star-crossed pair. Eddie and Meadow spend all their time together... almost as much as Jack and Tosha spend together. Seriously,Eddie and Tosha may be in love, and Jack and Meadow, but Eddie and Meadow have a higher LTR than Eddie and Tosha, and the same scenario istrue with Jack and Tosha. I almost think I put the wrong pairs together."Not really, goddess... I doubt that Meadow would ever consent to being a guinea pig in Eddies genetic experiments."You may have a point there, Tosha. Just... dont autonomously flirt with Jack, okay? I dont need the drama.*sigh* "Fine...."
  • "Goddess, I like need some advice. Meadow has been totally annoying me lately and I need a way to get back at her."Well, if she was dating anyone other than your brother Id suggest stealing her man."Yes, it totally sucks that shes dating Jack and his man-purse. But I think I have an idea... Meadows best friends with that dorky girl Marsha,right?You mean Marla, and yes..."I bet it would totally annoy Meadow if I made her best friend, like, fall in love with me."Just dont do anything stupid, Anne. I think Meadows smarter than you give her credit for.
  • Anne was hanging around outside, spying on the Island through the "Youre totally not fooling anyone, Melissa. I can totally see youGreek houses super long-distance magnification telescope and blushing right now. You totally think Im hot. Its okay. I am hot. Buthoping her aunt Elisabeth wouldnt notice when she saw Marla walk I was just thinking... youre kind of hot yourself."by. "Really, Anne? You think so? And for the love of all thats holy, my"Moira, I totally noticed the way youve been looking at me. You name is MARLA!"keep walking past to stare at me, dont you." "Yeah, in a kind of geeky pathetic way.""Umm... what makes you say that, Anne? And my names Marla." "Umm... thanks. I think."
  • Poor Marla. She didnt stand a chance once Anne decided to go in for the kill. Romance sims are hard to say no to! Even if they cant rememberyour name.
  • Although that might be taking things a bit too far, Anne!"Go away, goddess. Were a little busy."
  • "Jack, I meant what I said. No woohoo even after were married if you keep spying on me in the shower!""I apologize for the intrusion, sugarplum.""Leave! Now! And dont forget your man-purse!""Yesm."
  • And Jack takes up residence once again in his favorite perch in the entire house. Im starting to think he has a thing for Tosha.Sadly, Eddie acts exactly the same way around Meadow.
  • "Jack, this is starting to get kind of creepy. Why are you always in here?"
  • "Go away!"
  • "Listen, Marla," Meadow said earnestly. "Were friends, right?""Yeah, sure," Marla nodded, unable to keep the smile off of her face. "Whats up?""Im a bit worried about you," Meadow said. "I know you and Anne have gotten pretty close... but Annes a Romance sim, Marla. I dont want youto get hurt."Marla stared at Meadow for a moment as the implications of what she was hinting at sunk in. Her features darkened.
  • "Listen, Meadow, Im old enough to take care of myself," Marla said angrily. "Besides, I know what kind of person Anne is and Im not an idioteither. Do you honestly think Id be with her if she hadnt promised to be faithful?""You sound pretty naive from where Im standing, Marla," Meadow said. "Look, I know this sounds funny coming from me, but I dont think youshould be woohooing Anne at all. Shes pretty, yeah, but shes flighty and she likes to lead people on. Youre just going to end up with a brokenheart. But it doesnt have to be that way."
  • "What are you talking about?" Marla asked, calming down just slightly. "You have a way to make sure that Anne will love only me?""Yeah, I think so," Meadow said. "Listen, heres what well do..."
  • Meanwhile, Tosha continued her research into advanced animal andhuman anatomy. Eddie was the expert at actually splicing DNA and Listen, if you dont want to become a tiger, you dont have to. Ill findplaying with proteins and the like, but Tosha wanted to make sure a way to explain it to Eddie somehow. Besides, Im not even sure if Ithat once the human-tiger hybridization was complete, she and Eddie know how to do my part of the transformation.wouldnt be missing any vital organs. Thus, research was essential.Although... "No, its okay, goddess. Im pretty excited about becoming a tiger. I just kind of want to be a superhero too, like Hiro and Peter PetrelliTosha, do you have a comic book shoved between the leaves of that and Claire on Heroes!"book? Heh, okay. But I dont know if I can manage the tiger transformation"Umm... no?" and super powers!
  • Hey Meadow, how about letting me in on this plan of yours? "I want to tell Eddie about my plan. I cant tell Jack - he and Anne are twins and it wouldnt be fair to put him in the middle.""No way! This is between me and Marla, goddess. Besides, youlljust give it away." Umm... are we talking about the same Jack, Meadow? You know hed get a huge laugh out of any sort of prank you were pulling on"Hmm... what plan is that, Meadow?" anyone... especially if it meant he might profit from it!"Goddess, go away." "Maybe, but Id rather talk to Eddie about it first."What? Fine, Ill leave you two alone then. Hmph.
  • And here we find Jack lounging around in Eddies bedroom... whileTosha is sleeping. Jack, are you trying to tell me something? Hmm.. or should I rephrase that... dream about who?"Listen, a man is entitled to his dreams, all right?" *mumblemumble* "That you, Eddie?"Dream about what, exactly? "Just me, Tosh.""Why are you concerned with that, goddess? Dont you have "Geez, Jack... again? Dont you have your own room and your ownsomething better to do than pry into my personal affairs?" girlfriend to bother?"
  • "Yes... if this one turns out right thats another fifty gees in my pocketand none the wiser." Oh, Im sure your dad and Shannon are having a wonderful time chasing random rogue clams around the island as well, arent they?What are you painting, Jack? Just who is taking the fall for you this time, Jack?"Mona Lisa." "Oh, nobody important. Just some Simself named Professor Butters."Oh, okay... wait. Mona LISA? Oh... dear. Sorry about that, PB."Its my third forgery this week, toots. And Im making a killing, if ya -----know what I mean. Best of all, Im funneling em thru the island and Professor Butters writes the Squeaky Clean Legacymy moms helping!"
  • And you, Anne... dont you have a figure to maintain in order to stayon the cheerleading squad? "Mindys taking care of that.""Oh, thats totally like taken care of, goddess!" For shame... you know that girl is head over heels in love with you, right Anne? Dont you feel at least the tiniest bit of affection towardsHow so? her? And cant you ever remember that her name is Marla?"Well, Im totally the hottest and most popular chick on campus. Two "Well, shes totally hot for a dork and all, and shes useful. But thats,thirds of the guys and half of the girls want to woohoo me. Is there like, it. You know? She totally knows its not serious, so dont worryreally anyone whod dare try and kick me off of the team, goddess?" about that goddess. Im totally using her to get good grades, but shes totally using me for the woohoo too, so its kind of fair, right?"Keeping your grades up too, then?
  • "Like, hi!" Shes really pretty...""Uhh... hi?" "Shes the co-captain with me, okay? And Im going to tell my brother, that mafia guy you just referred to, that you think his"Do you know who I am, cutie?" girlfriends hot. How do you like that, dork?""Y-youre a cheerleader... right?" "D-did I say that Meadows hot? What I meant to say was, youre way hotter! In fact, Meadows kind of ugly. Im going to tell everyone"Not just any cheerleader, cute little dork. Im the captain of the that youre the hottest cheerleader on the squad! Right now! Cantcheerleading squad!" you see? Im going! Umm... what was your name again?""Really? Cause I thought that mafia guys girlfriend was the captain. "Oh... why do I, like, bother?"
  • While Anne was busy tormenting poor dorks like Goopy from the last frame, Meadow had other things on her mind. Namely, how to make sureher friend Marla stayed happy and didnt have her heart ripped in half by Anne."Listen, do you know how far I haff to travel to get here, Meadow?""I really appreciate it, Madame. Youre the only one Ive ever heard of who knows how to make this stuff.""Vell, I do haff a special skill vith the love potions. It costs you triple because I had to travel so far to get to this place. Do ve haff a deal?""We have a deal. And hey, you wont regret this.""I vont regret it for sure vith the free upgrade you are payingk for on my return trip, thats for sure! First class, here I come!"
  • "Aaaargh! How much did you hear?"Dont worry, Meadow. I think I know where youre going with this and ... well... Im not going to interfere."Good."
  • What are you making, Meadow?"I call it... Passionfruit Sensation!"
  • "Wow, Meadow, this is totally the best drink youve ever made! Got anymore? I totally need this recipe.""Sorry, Meadow, I ran out of my top secret ingredient.""Well, thats totally okay because I feel fantastic. Like, seriously. Ive never felt this good before. Although I do feel kind of strange..."
  • "Just take another sip, Anne. You dont want to let that stuff go to waste.""I cant believe youre actually being nice to me, Meadow. This stuff is totally freakin awesome. Although I really need ... Marla. Yeah, I could dowith some good woohoo right about now."
  • "I think I heard Marla downstairs a minute ago, Anne. Want me to call her?""Like, no! I can totally call my own girlfriend, thank you very much. MARLA! Get over here! I need some lovin, stat! Seriously!"
  • "What Marla sees in her, Ill never know..."A few minutes later, Marla came trudging up the stairs, a sullen expression on her face.
  • "I wish you wouldnt shout stuff like that all over the place. Its kind of embarrassing.""I hope youre not embarrassed to be my girlfriend, cause I totally want you all the time, Marla. I mean it. I, like, cant get enough of you. I thinkIm in love with you, Marla! Totally!""D-do you mean that, Anne? And you got my name right!"
  • "Would I be totally asking you to get hitched if I didnt mean it?""WHAT?"WHAT?!?!?! That makes two of us who are shocked right now, Marla."Three!"Make sure you rinse that blender out before you make any drinks Eddie. Im just sayin.
  • "Ohmygoddess of course Ill marry you, Anne!"
  • "Thats totally a relief, Marla, cause I would seriously, like, die if you said no. It makes me totally cry just thinking about it! See? My mascara istotally running all over the place!"
  • "Other-AlanPlease help me flee!Im begging youOn bended knee!"
  • "Listen, Goopy, if you wish to remain in my employment you must first prove yourself loyal. Capisce?""Why should I have to prove myself to you, anyway? Who made you the boss of this operation, Jack?""Now Goopy, youre a fine fellow. That is why I wont be having your internal organs removed and sold on eBay for your shocking lack of respect.I would suggest you apologize nicely, and then make yourself scarce.""What? Apologize? To some two-bit criminal like you?"
  • "Two-bit? Who are you callin a two-bit criminal? I am a businessman, plain and simple, got it? And I command a certain amount of respect frommy associates, which you are not showing to me. Plainly, you are no longer interested in continuing this business association which we have beendiscussing so nicely for the past few months. I think you are making a big mistake, Goopy. And I think in time, you will come to realize this. Thatis why Im going to let you live for now, that and my sister Anne thinks you are cute, and my sister Anne is a good person. I dont want todisillusion a good person, Goopy, and so you have five minutes to get out of this kitchen, and five hours to get out of this city. When you are readyto be more reasonable then we can talk again. Until then... vamoose!"
  • "Jack, you seem awfully happy tonight." "Well, she sailed all the way over to Paris just to help me with a little dilemma I was having, Jack, and lets just say that everything worked"I just told off a minion. You know how that makes me happy." out perfectly.""Im pretty happy too, Jack." "Im glad youre happy, buttercup. Do I need to help you hide any bodies?""Really? And what sort of mischief have you been up to that makesyou so happy, cupcake?" "Not this time, Jack. You may need to make sure the engagement ring that Anne gave Marla isnt one of your fakes, though.""You know the old gypsy woman from back home?" "WHAT?!?!? You have convinced my sister to make an honest"Yes, she is a very trusted business associate of mine. I think of her woman of herself? I am impressed, sunshine. I am impressed. Youoften, and fondly." have managed to do what I could not."
  • "Im so glad you approve, Jack. But I wish you would get rid of that silly man-purse of yours. It gets in my way when I try to grab your tooshie.""Dont be trying to come between a man and his purse, gumdrop."
  • "Toni, I am seriously feeling the love right now. I totally need to hug you, cuz!""Eww... listen, Anne, I think you need to lay off Meadows special drinks, okay?""Like, what are you talking about, Toni?""Ohh... nevermind. Just dont hug me."
  • "At this very moment I am feeling extreme twinges of jealousy." "Hey, Jack?"You have Meadow, Jack. "Yes, brother dearest?""Only in the very purest sense of the word, goddess. And by pure, I "Im trying to woohoo with my fiancee here. Scram!"mean like fresh snow." "Ooh Eddie, I like it when you get all aggressive like that."Meadows sticking by her decision not to woohoo until youremarried, then? "Me-ow!""Yes, and it eats away at me like pain. Yet I cannot help but respect "I think I will be leaving at this juncture."her all the more for staying true to her convictions. It implies great Probably for the best, Jack.perseverence, which is an asset in my organization."
  • "Eddie, have I told you how totally awesome Marla is yet?""Only twenty-five times so far today, Anne.""Oh good, so you wont mind if I, like, tell you again, will you?"*sigh...*
  • "Like, you listen, Meadow! I dont care about your stupid rules and tryouts and stuff. We totally have to give Marla a spot on the squad! Everyoneshould get to bask in how hot she is. How could such amazing hotness not be a benefit of our team?""Uhh... you dont have to be violent, Anne. I just asked if youd asked Marla if she even wants to be on the team...""Like, everyone whos anyone wants to be on the team, Meadow. Seriously.""Whatever you say, Anne... just ask Marla first, okay?""Fine."
  • "You have managed no small trifleUsing these soft pillowsTo conceal riflesAnd other items of variousLegality.""I do not think my father will be able to trace this weapon smuggling to me, Aunt Celeste. What is your opinion of the matter?""Alan is duller thanA can of spam."
  • "Yes, and since you are family I am going to forgive that moment of disrespect. It pains me to admit it myself, but my esteemed father is a littlelacking in the deductive skills. It has made it easier to hide my association with the various criminal enterprises I have going on the island and inParis a little easier, which is a good thing because I would not wish to inflict pain on my esteemed father. He would be heartbroken if he knew Iwas involved with the various schemes I have started. And yet I cannot stop, and so I must find new ways to foil him. It keeps my wits sharp.""Ever since you adoptedThat ridiculous accentYou have been the kingOf the run-on sentence.It causes pain in my earsAnd makes my nose itch."
  • "And so you were totally right, Meadow. Marla doesnt want to be a cheerleader for some reason, but its okay because she said shed rather, youknow, watch my hotness as I do my thing on the field. You know, she is so totally amazing that way.""Anne, I think you need to lay off the special juice for a while, okay hon?""Like, why does everyone keep saying that to me?"
  • "Anyway, Meadow, I guess Ive totally, like, been wrong about you. My brother even told me how you wont woohoo with him yet just to make apoint that youre not some fishnet-wearing, first-kiss stealiing townie girl tramp. I guess we can sort of be friends, if you want. You know, sinceyoure friends with Marla and Jack and all."
  • "Would it be okay if I took a sample of your DNA, Tracy? I want to know how you managed to integrate cow DNA with sim DNA so easily.""Eddie, for the last time Im just a really, really bored girl with no life wearing a cow suit.""Are you sure?""YES!"
  • And after all that drama, which basically took place over the course of only one college year, Ivy finally moved into the family Greek house. Andimmediately started to dominate."Celeste is moving out? Great! Of course I get her room with the hugenormous double bed!""Um... Ivy, both Anne and Jack called dibs on that bed a year ago. They were going to rock-paper-scissors for it.""But Im the Queeeeeeeeeen!""They have Greek seniority.""Do I have to pull out my scepter and lay the smack down?"
  • "So Celeste, how would you like to go off somewhere private and make a little beautiful mooooosic together?""The foulness of this bovines breathCauses my sinuses great distress.How glad I shall be to vacate this placeAnd no longer have to share my spaceWith the genus Simulus TigrisAnd a juggling nincompoop;Two cheerleader fighters,Jack, master-of-dupes,A deluded ersatz Queen,AND THIS DAMNED COW!!!I mean, this bovine obscene."
  • "So Ivy, how would you like to go off somewhere private and make a little beautiful mooooosic together?""Ah, a potential minion. Yes, Holstein-ungulate-person-thing, I accept your offer of woohoo in exchange for your continued adoration and supportas I ascend my rightful throne.""Geez... and people say Im the crazy one..."
  • Ivy spent the rest of the evening trying to gain new minions and peons with her mad pool skillz.
  • She didnt do very well.
  • "Oh, this is so embarrassing, goddess! Nobody has flocked to my banner in three whole days! Even the Holstein-ungulate-person-thing has left theGreek house in a cloud of its own stench. I need flunkies!"
  • "Okay, Ivy, get a grip. You can do this. You can still be a successful monarch even if youre lousy at billiards. You just need a new way ofconvincing people that you ought to rule.... and I know just the thing..."
  • "We approve of how frequently the smustle takes place, brother.""Good to know, Ivy. And, ah, why are you referring to yourself in plural?""We have decided the time has come to start using the royal we. It implies royalty, and dignity, and, um, prestige.""You know, Ivy, Im starting to think that Im actually the sanest one out of all of us kids.""We think you may be correct, brother."
  • "Tosha, I just wanted to take a moment to say how wonderful it is that you came to college with my brother, and how much I admire you forsupporting his goals and dreams. Not just any woman would agree to become a gross perversion of nature simply out of love."
  • "Jack, we knew we could count on your support of our monarchy.""Whatever you need, I will be there to support you, little sister. I am especially good at hiding bodies for those who are in need of such services.""Oh goody! We will make you our Lord High Executioner as a reward for your faithfulness.""Dear sister, you wound me. I was hoping that you might appoint me your Minister of Finance.""Jack, we are not stupid enough to turn over the entire royal treasury to you.""Eh, it was worth a try."
  • "This fair dwellingContains an upwellingOf insanity.I must flee!"
  • And with that proclamation, Celeste graduated and moved back to the Island, where she would (hopefully) marry her Other-Alan and live happilyever after.
  • "Goodbye, dear auntie. If you ever need help hiding any bodies, please let me know. I would be glad to render aid to you as required, as I feel thatwe are very close now.""Insanitys curseComes with a man-purse.Get me away from here!"
  • "We trust you will think about the position we have offered you, dear auntie?""Im already a poetAnd I know it.To be bard of the courtIs not my part.""We suggest you continue to think on our offer, auntie."
  • "We are disturbed to find you dancing with our brothers fiancee again, Jack.""Tosha and I are just very good friends, Ivy. That is all.""We are not entirely convinced by your protestations, Jack."What, nothing to add, Tosha?"Im staying out of this one, goddess."
  • "We are pleased to see that you are striving to make our brother happy, Tosha. It is with great pleasure that we request you take the position ofRoyal Physician in our court.""Gee... Im honored."Is that a note of sarcasm, Tosha?"Would I risk angering our fair monarch, goddess? Surely youre jesting with that implication!"...forget I asked.
  • "Jack, your sister has gone off the deep end.""Who, Anne? I knew that already, Tosha. I believe Meadow had a hand in that affair.""No, your other sister.""Ivy? She is not insane. She is simply... very ambitious, which is a trait often to be admired in a great leader."
  • "Anne, grandfather wants to talk to you.""We are busy being courted by our many suitors, Toni. Please tell grandfather to come back later.""Arrr! Listen ere, love! Ye dont just get away with ignoring yer grandfather when e appens to possess your teddy bear!""Fine. We will listen. What do you have to say to us, grandfather bear?""Listen, love, youre starting to scare the readers, savvy? Tone down the whole monarch thing, aye?""We wonder at whether its appropriate for a possessed teddy bear to be lecturing us on creepiness."That makes two of us, Ivy.
  • "Gee, thanks for helping me and Jack test out our new exploding pillowcases, Eddie!""Hehehe, youre so funny, Meadow! It sounded like you just said these pillowcases explode!""I did! They also have a rare, yet consistently observed effect of causing space/time displacement."
  • "Ah, thats better. Okay Eddie, this ones armed so if you want to keep your face you ought to duck!""Good one, Meadow!"Umm.... shes serious, Eddie."Holy ---!"Whew, you ducked just in time there, Eddie! Umm... does your insurance cover window replacement?"Yeah, but I dont know what the policy is on curtain, wall, or carpet replacement...""I, uh, think you ought to inquire about eyebrow replacement too, Eddie. Sorry about that! But hey, at least we know they work!"
  • "We trust you will ensure that we receive the top grade in the class, professor.""Anything you want, highness!"Umm... Anne, why are you watching your sister make out with her professor?"I was just thinking about Marla. She, like, helps me get good grades just like Ivys professor helps her!"...you know, thats a rather apt comparison.
  • "Soo... about that remedial tutoring you suggested to us..."
  • "Jack, I think we ought to invest in the islands private penitentiary system.""Meadow, I have just come to that same conclusion myself after laboriously calculating profit margins for the past several hours."And why do the two of you want to invest in the islands jails?"Oh, thats simple, goddess. The profit-to-loss ratio of the business of incarceration is very favorable, especially when the profits involve not beingon the receiving end of the losses, if you know what I mean."Ah... yes, I think I... savvy.
  • Seems Ivy is doing some calculations of her own with her professor in the car. On that lovely note, I suggest you head off to part 2, whichhopefully will be slightly better and slightly less insane than this chapter was.