Chapter 33 – Love & Bureaucrats Part 1

A Piratical Legacy Chapter 33: Love and Bureaucrats - Part 1

It is a time of endings... 18 September Dear Diary, The potion from my son Crassus beckons to me on a daily basis. One sip, and I could have my mortality and my humanity restored. But Crassus has asked me to wait until he returns from university before I test it. He says that if there are any adverse effects he would hopefully be able to mitigate them if he is in attendance. I do not wish to wait.

If I die again, I trust that my family will resurrect me. I reached my lifetime want yesterday, and they have more than enough money, in that case. As well, Ellen is a college graduate. It may take her a few weeks, but I am confident she could acquire a bone phone. Finally, as a scientist myself I have tested Crassus' formula extensively. I believe there to be no danger. If I should die... but I won't. -- Sejanus

Closing the tattered old journal, Sejanus slid it back on the bookcase. Then, reaching between volumes A and C of his encyclopedia set, he carefully pressed a button. A brilliantly glowing blue vial slowly slid out. He weighed the potion carefully in one hand. Then, with a low, moaning sigh, he tilted his head back and downed the draught in one long swallow.

If he still had a tongue, he would have screamed. It was as though needles were being driven into every inch of his flesh. A cloud of rotting vapour oozed from his pores and surrounded him. And then... an end.

He was alive again. Sejanus heard a creaking noise and a hiss behind him. Checking his watch, he realized that it was moments til seven--Ellen must be waking up. With a smile, he struck a pose and waited patiently. He had a lot of practice being patient.

Ellen hopped out of her crypt once the last rays had dropped below the horizon. Catching sight of her husband, she shrieked. "Sejanus! What's happened?" And, in a halting voice, Sejanus told her. Not only had he been cured of his undeath... he had been given back his voice.

The very next evening, they decided to celebrate their return to mortality... by growing older. Oh, they could have spent a considerable length of time enjoying their renewed youth, but Ellen and Sejanus elected not to mess with the course of nature any longer. Ellen was still a vampire, but she had the cure in her pocket. She would wait until after her birthday before taking it so the fear of being cured wouldn't affect her longevity. So their family and friends gathered to celebrate with them. Crassus was a little put out with Sejanus for not heeding his instructions, but in light of the result decided not to make an issue of it. Finally, the moment came. Ellen took a deep breath, filling lungs that didn't need air, and leaned forward.

"Happy birthday, my love!" Sejanus croaked. "You look beautiful as ever--like an ice queen." "Flatterer," Ellen chuckled. "I'm just a slightly older-looking corpse. Go ahead and blow out your candles so I can take my cure."

So he did. And they lived happily ever after. *** For now, though, it is time to move on to a story of beginnings.

It was the dawn of a crisp and beautiful fall day on Pirate Island. The Buccaneer family were very excited on this particular morning, and for a number of reasons. One of them was because they had just finished moving in to a beautiful new home. This beautiful house is the Architect's Northwest home by Orikes/orikes360.

And the other reason was even more joyous and exciting than the prospect of a new house to explore. Ching Shih, the sixth generation heiress of the Buccaneer family, had moved back home after graduating university. In just a few short hours, she would be marrying her love, Twikkii Island native Jim Reeves. "Is this magnificent home really yours?" Jim asked, disbelieve in his voice as the young lovers cuddled in bed. "I feel as though I might break something every time I turn around. My home on Twikkii Island was lovely, but it feels like a hovel in comparison to this." "Yes, this home is really ours," Shih smiled, emphasizing the word. "Ours to grow old together in and raise a family with--" she stopped talking as her voice caught in her throat. "Sorry," she said a moment later. "I just can't believe our wedding day is finally here." "I have been counting the moments since I first laid eyes on you at our reacquaintance four years ago," Jim agreed.

Some time later, the lovers made their way downstairs just in time for a breakfast of grilled cheese sandwiches. "I've never had food like this for breakfast before," Jim observed, sniffing cautiously before taking a bite. "Most of us prefer pancakes for breakfast," Grace said, shooting a pointed look at her younger sister. "But Gertie got to the stove first this morning." "It's really good," Shih grinned, taking a bite.

"Most people usually get dressed before breakfast, too," Gertie snorted with a sly look at Jim. "Is this a sign of things to come, young man? Breakfast in your skivvies?" Jim laughed. "These are my pajamas, Miss Buccaneer." "Oh, lordy... don't call me that," Gertie blinked. "You make me sound like an old schoolteacher or something. Call me Gertie, or Aunt Gertie if you prefer." "Thanks, Aunt Gertie," Jim smiled.

"Okay, so what's the plan for today?" Ching Shih asked, putting down her sandwich. "Has somebody gone outside and started setting up the chairs? Do I still need to confirm stuff with the caterer? Have the flowers shown up? I don't trust that florist. She looked shifty. If she's gone and taken our money without delivering... I'm a pirate, you know." "We know," Grace chuckled. "Don't worry, Shih. Everything has been taken care of. And there are even flowers. Now, why don't we go upstairs and get you into your wedding dress? Jim, your suit is in the boys' room--your bedroom is off limits until after the wedding. It's bad luck for the groom to see the bride in her dress before the ceremony!"

"Yes, mother," Jim said obediently. "I like the sound of that," Grace said fondly. "Now, scat! Borusa and Spandrell are taking care of everything outside, but you should get dressed and join them. The guests will be here soon, too. I'll take care of your blushing bride." "As you wish," Jim laughed. Gathering his and Shih's dishes, he took them into the kitchen, laughing the whole while.

"How do I look?" Ching Shih asked once she'd slipped into her wedding gown. "Like a dream," Grace breathed. "That dress is so lovely, my dear. You look like a billion tax-free simoleons." "Do you think Jim will like it?" "He'd have to be blind not to."

"Now," Grace added, moving closer and picking an imaginary piece of lint off of Shih's shoulder. "It's one o'clock. We should go downstairs--you don't want to be late to your own wedding!" "I guess that would be one heck of a faux pas," Shih giggled nervously. She took a deep breath. "Okay, I can do this. Twenty minutes, and I'll be married to Jim." "That's the spirit," Grace said encouragingly. She took her daughter's hand and led her downstairs. "Now, just wait until I've found my seat. That'll get everyone else sitting down and then you can make your big entrance. Ready?" "As I'll ever be!"

The wedding was a small one, all things considered. Only the very closest friends and family of the bridal couple were in attendance: Borusa, Spandrell, Gertie and Andrew, the parents of the bride, Coxinga and Shere Khan, and the bride's cousins. Jack and Meadow Thayer had also been invited, as representatives of the greater extended family. At the front of the altar, Jim paced. He wasn't nervous about marriage or commitment, but he was anxious. He couldn't wait for the opportunity to claim Ching Shih as his bride before everyone. The most beautiful woman in the world, to his eyes, and she was all his.

And then she was there. As he caught sight of Ching Shih in her bridal finery, Jim's breath caught in his throat.

He'd never seen such a vision of loveliness.

"You are a goddess," he said in his dulcet voice, taking Shih's hands in his and drawing her to him beneath the bridal arch. "How did I ever prove myself worthy of your love?" "Don't get all mushy on me," Shih whispered, squeezing back. "If you do, I swear I'll start crying, and then I'll have to kill you for making my mascara run." "You should have worn waterproof mascara, then," Jim chuckled. "Come--I don't think I can wait any longer." "Me neither."

As the two stepped under the arch completely and prepared to start their vows, however, a sudden commotion at the far end of the lawn caught their eyes... and ears. "Stop the wedding!"

All eyes turned to face the back and shocked silence reigned. "I said, stop the wedding," Officer Ramin Centowski said in a slightly quieter voice. "What?!?" A chorus of voices broke out in protest.

"There's a problem," Centowski continued as he, Demi Love, and Dorian Kauker walked down the aisle, crushing rose petals beneath their feet. "Yeah," Kauker said. He flipped hastily through a book, presumably a legal code of some sort. "Ah, here it is. Immigration regulation number 135-stroke alpha-subsection niner. It is illegal for residents of Twikkii Island to get married on Pirate Island, or vice versa. Sorry 'bout that."

"Wh-what?" Ching Shih choked, her face going pale. "What do you mean?" Jim asked angrily. "Illegal? But we looked in to that!" "Nobody ever reads the fine print," Centowski shrugged. "I'm afraid you're going to have to come with us, Mr. Reeves. We'll double check when we get you back to the station, but I'm pretty sure you're going to be on the next plane off the island, sir." "No!" Ching Shih cried. "That's not fair!" "Life ain't fair, missie," Centowski shrugged. "I don't make the laws. I just enforce 'em."

At this, Jack Thayer stood up from his seat, the first of the stunned onlookers to react.

"Perhaps I might render my assistance," he said. "Mr. Reeves, it would behoove you to depart with the officers. I will contact my cadre of legal and extralegal advisors and endeavor to resolve this unfortunate series of events." "I guess I should," Jim said helplessly. He drew Ching Shih into his arms. "Don't cry, darlingest. I'm sure it is only a misunderstanding. I will be back before nightfall." "You'd better be," Ching Shih choked, accepting her fiancé's kiss. "If not, I'll keelhaul you!" "I'll, ah, hold you to that," Jim said.

With one last kiss, Jim allowed himself to be led away by the officers. He couldn't help but look back, though. And his heart broke when he saw his beloved's face.

Once Jim was out of earshot, Ching Shih dropped her brave face and started sobbing uncontrollably. Grace immediately rushed to comfort her daughter while the remaining guests stared at one another awkwardly, unsure of what they should do. "I will repair to the domicile and make arrangements," Jack said smoothly. "Rest assured, dear niece, you shall not sleep alone tonight."

With a sigh, Lee stood up and addressed the rest of the guests. "Err, I don't know what to say," he said slowly. "I guess the wedding's a bit postponed. Um, I hate to ask you all to leave, considering how much we spent on the buffet, but under the circumstances..." Under his breath, he muttered "Now, where can I find a monster-sized fridge?"

"It's okay, dad," Zing said slowly. "We understand. Take care of my little sister, okay? We'll be waiting by the phone--as soon as you hear anything, you let us know." "Of course," Lee said. "I'm sure this is just a momentary difficulty. Probably we'll be calling you all tonight asking you to come over and help us celebrate a wedding. But..." his voice trailed off, and for the first time Zing thought his father looked very old. "Just let us know if there's anything we can do," Zing said at last. "Er, as long as it's not too expensive." "Caek is a lie," sniffled Shere Khan sadly.

And with that a very dejected group of wedding guests stood up and left.

While Grace and Lee sat upstairs with their daughter in her bedroom and comforted her as best they could, Jack made good on his promise and started placing calls. The news was not good. "I must dolorously concede that the officers of the law are, in fact, correct on this particular point of immigration code," he said sadly. "I believe that there is a possibility we can have the decision overturned, but it is unlikely we will be able to effect a reversal until

after Mr. Reeves has been deported." Spandrell, who had been sent by his parents to find out what news there was, slumped. "Okay," he said unhappily. "I'll go tell them. Thank you, Mr. Thayer. If you'd like to stay..." "I suspect my involvement in this endeavor will be more fruitful from my own place of residence," Jack said. "I will remain in communication should I ascertain any additional pertinent information."

It was raining when he left, and as he watched the wind caught and tore one of the streamers from the wedding arch, leaving it lying on the ground, sodden and forlorn.

Ching Shih awoke the next morning to the sound of her cell phone ringing. She'd cried herself to sleep and her eyes were red and sore, her voice hoarse, but she answered the phone anyway. "Ching Shih, my beautiful princess," Jim's voice was scratchy but recognisable, and for a moment Shih's heart soared. "What's the word?" she asked quickly. "I am afraid that it is too late," Jim said, his voice breaking. "I have

been deported. I am calling from one of those extremely expensive phones on the airplane." "What?" Shih swallowed convulsively. "Y-you're joking, right?" "I wish I was," and Shih realized that Jim was crying ."I'm sorry, my love. Even your uncle's law-ninjas couldn't change the judge's mind. The hearing was in the middle of the night. They wouldn't even let me phone you!"

Ching Shih wanted to scream, to curse, to cry. But instead she took a deep breath and calmed herself. "Oh, Jim," she said at last. "Please... be strong with me. We'll fix things, and we'll be together. I trust Uncle Jack and his law-ninjas. We'll find a way... a way for us to be together. I'm the future Chief of Pirate Island. I'll do everything I can. This is only temporary." "I know," Jim said, sniffling slightly. He cleared his throat. "I will also be strong, my love. Until we find a solution." "I'll call you and email you every day until then," Shih promised, strangling a sob. "I will hold you to it."

Ching Shih threw herself into researching the immigration laws of Pirate Island, but she also forced herself to actually live her life. To those who didn't know her very well, she seemed to suffer little for her forced separation from Jim. But those who lived with her saw how much she struggled just to get out of bed in the mornings and their hearts bled for her. Shih found the easiest way to keep from sinking into terminal depression was to throw herself into family living. She declared herself the primary cooker-of-breakfast, and was up at the crack of dawn each morning to cook pancakes or omelettes for the rest of the household.

"You know, you don't have to do that," Borusa said, taking a bite of his toaster pastry. He gestured towards it. "See? I can cook!" "That is not breakfast," Shih scolded her younger brother, whisking the plate away and depositing a plate of pancakes in its stead. "This is breakfast." "I was eating that!" Borusa complained. "Well, you can finish it l--" Shih stopped and gulped. "You can--"

"Hey, do you want me to grab some orange juice too?" Spandrell called from the kitchen. Shih turned as green as her brothers.

Clapping one hand over her mouth, she bolted down the hallway in the direction of the bathroom.

She barely made it.

"No, no, no!" she cried when she'd finally finished being sick. "This is not fair! I don't want to do this on my own! Jim, why aren't you here with me?" Some women might be in denial, but Shih knew the truth of it. She was pregnant.

A pregnancy test the next morning confirmed it, and Ching Shih sat down at the computer to email the news to her lover. There was a response almost before she hit the 'send' button. My darling queen, Is it possible for a man to be both deliriously happy and excruciatingly sad at the same time? For that is how I greet this news you've given me. I'm going to be a father! And yet I fear that our

child will never know me. Every day I hope and pray that you or Mr. Thayer will have good news for me. And every day, when the answer is no, I sink that much further into despair. I miss you, and now I have our child to miss as well. Keep yourself healthy and safe. I will phone you tonight. Wait up for me. --Your Jim

"So, you've got two grandchildren on the way," Gertie mused over a game of "Don't Wake the Llama" a few mornings later. "I bet you're happy about that!" "Happy and sad at the same time," Grace sighed, studying the llama carefully before placing her straw. "Happy about the babies, of course, but every time I see Ching Shih with that look in her eyes, my heart breaks."

"I'm sure Jack will come through," Gertie said stoically, placing her own straw carefully. "He's always done so for the family in the past. And if he can't find a solution, then Shih will find one herself. That girl is the most brilliant family member we've had in generations. She makes Morgan look like a dunce." "My girl is a smart one," Grace agreed fondly. "I know they'll figure something out. I just wish we could make it happen faster!" "We're dealing with government beaurocracy, though," Gertie shrugged. "To be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if it took a year or two to sort this whole mess out." "That's what I'm afraid of," Grace said. "I hope Ching Shih and her young man can hold out that long."

Time flew by both quickly and slowly. One bright morning Shih was astonished to realize that her wedding was supposed to have taken place over three months earlier. She was forcibly reminded of the fact when she felt the baby's first kick.

Reluctantly, she trudged upstairs and dug out maternity clothes--her regular clothing all fit so poorly she would likely be arrested for public indecency if she went out in it. "But it's just another reminder that Jim isn't here with me," she sighed to herself.

Heaving her pregnant bulk down the stairs, she found herself studying the portraits of her ancestors. "What would you have done in my situation?" she found herself asking them. She looked at Captain Jack's painting and laughed. "Probably bounced on the couch and wrecked another bottle of rum. But that's out for me, at least until the baby is born." Just then, the phone rang.

"What news?" Shih asked Jack about half an hour later. "I have not uncovered a means for you to be reunited with your husband-apparent," Jack said quickly. "However, I have discovered how the law in question came to be enacted." "I'm all ears," Shih said. "It seems that my beloved sister Ivy was, in fact, remiss in her duties as Chief of Pirate Island," Jack said slowly and reluctantly. "In her own preoccupation with harem management, she neglected the island's ruling council, and the political situation evolved from a hereditary dictatorship into a constitutional monarchy. In my nephew Roche's day the system became even more firmly entrenched, due to a certain unpleasant familial obligation which we do not discuss these days."

"And what does that have to do with my situation?" Shih asked. "It appears that, thirty-seven and three quarter years ago, a decree was passed stating that the sole avenue of immigration to Pirate Island is via matrimonial ties to a citizen," Jack said. "And we would have done that," Shih pointed out. "That, alas, is not the entirety of the law," Jack said. "Furthermore, only citizens of a very eclectic list of countries may marry into citizenship. Singapore, where your cousin Hugo's wife hails from, is

on that list. Twikkii Island is not." "But how could I have missed that?" Shih protested. "I researched the immigration laws very carefully." "This statute was hidden in a series of codes pertaining to import restrictions upon Gossypium species," Jack said. If Shih didn't know better, she could swear the man blushed. "I, ah, acquired a controlling interest in the crop which has subsequently proven...unmarketable. Hence the clause's concealment in the fine print."

"So what do Jim and I do?" "There are three viable options," Jack said. "None pleasant, I regret. Mr. Reeves could become a citizen of one of the three nations signatory to our immigration treaty: France, Canada, or Singapore. However, this would take a minimum of six years. And he would have to live in Canada." "Perish the thought." "The second option is that you could petition to have the law changed," Jack said. "However, parliament has just been dissolved for an election, which means the chance of getting anything passed in the next year or two is virtually nil."

"And the third option?" "Find someone else to marry." "Er, no." "Understandable. I shall continue to peruse the legislation for technicalities. At this point, however, it seems doubtful that a convenient loophole will present itself. Extralegal measures may prove necessary, but in that eventuality your own ingenuity will have to suffice. My organization's law-ninjas are of somewhat lower caliber than those employed by major broadcasters."

"So what did Uncle Jack have to say last night?" the boys asked over breakfast the next morning. Shih had prepared omelettes--ever since her bout with morning sickness she'd been unable to look a pancake in the eye. "No news, really," Shih sighed. "And no quick solution. He's going to keep plugging away at it... and so am I. I hope I can get Jim back before the baby is born." "It's pretty cool you're having a baby, though," Spandrell pointed out. "I think I'm going to be the best uncle ever! I can teach the kid to burp, and play video games..." "Just think, we get to be uncles twice over!" Borusa crowed in agreement. "Zing's kid should be born any day now, not that anybody knows for sure. Not many guys get pregnant unless they get abducted."

The boys had a lot more on their minds than just their impending unclehood, though. They were seniors at the Pirate Island private high school, and their social lives were very important to their adolescent selves. While Borusa and Spandrell were best friends and spent a lot of their free time together, they very definitely had their own interests.

While Spandrell was outgoing and sociable, he also enjoyed the world of online networking and found himself surfing popular social networking sites for hours at a time. He was always down on the latest gossip within Pirate Island's small group of teenagers.

As for Borusa, he still had girls on the brain. And when he ran out of local girls to date, he moved on to alternate means of meeting new people.

Every other day he was out in front of the wishing well, dropping in a penny and hoping he didn't get attacked by Mrs. Crumplebottom. It seemed he timed his requests well, because he never did.

He also gave online dating a trial venture, but decided it wasn't for him. "Hey B, do you really have to do that in here?" Spandrell asked in exasperation one cold but sunny afternoon. "It's the only computer in the house, bro," Borusa protested. Then, taking in the scene before him, understanding dawned. "Oh. Sorry, dude. Didn't mean to be a third wheel. I'll be leaving now." "Thanks," Spandrell said, flashing his most charming grin at Hades Deity. "So, Hades, do you like Spacebook?" ***

"You can has cheezburger." "Thanks, hon," Zing said, sinking his teeth into supper with relish. "I'm starving. Man, I thought I pregnancy would be easier than this for some reason. My dad made it look easy when he had Borusa and Spandrell." "Sowwy," Shere Khan said, his face falling a little. "Next time, I can haz kittehs maybe."

"You mean if you ever figure out what causes one partner to get pregnant instead of the other?" "Yah. Iz stumpd." "Ah, don't worry about it," Zing shrugged. "I don't mind being pregnant, not really. Plus I'm working from home AND collecting maternity pay. Working the system for the win!" "Dat mi line. U stoled it."

But Shere Khan agreed. "Um... iz legal, yah?" "What?" Zing blinked. "Of course it is. I'm not going to risk having our assets seized. Or the car dealership taken away. I don't want to lose the car dealership." "Ooh... is it can be used car salesman tiem nao plz?" Shere Khan's eyes glittered. "Not tonight," Zing sighed, rubbing his stomach. "Too tired. Too hungry. Too small of bladder."

Shere Khan didn't really mind, though. He was so excited about the impending arrival of the baby, he could put up with reduced/different intimacy in the later months of Zing's pregnancy. "O hai, kitteh! Is can be birfday soon! You can has cousin, too! But you is da biggur one." "Is our kid going to be bilingual?" Zing joked. "Mebbe."

"Well, I think you're going to be a great parent," Zing grinned. "T'anks," Shere Khan purred. "Iz can be backrubs tiem, if u wants." "Just a minute," Zing said. "Potty break."

But when he got into the washroom, Zing soon realized that he didn't exactly have to go to the washroom. It was time for something much more. "Help!" he shrieked. "We haven't figured out where it comes out yet!"

Shere Khan was in the kitchen grabbing a quick drink of milk when he heard his husband's yelps. "Wait! Is not can be kitteh tiem! Not ready!"

But he didn't have a choice, and a few very tense moments later, Zing was handing him their baby daughter, Sterling. "Iz not fuzzy. But still cutest itteh bitteh kitteh in da wurld," Shere Khan glowed.

Zing headed off to the bedroom to sleep--giving birth was exhausting-- and Shere Khan found himself alone with the little girl. "O hai," he said softly, cradling her to his chest. "Sleepy kitteh is sleepy? You can has bed." And, more gently than anyone who knew him would have thought possible, he laid Sterling into her crib. "Night night," he murmured, trailing one finger along her silken cheek. "Sleep tight. An' when you is bigger, you can has experimenting. Mebbe kitteh fur for you later? U decides."

Over the next few months, Zing and Shere Khan and their daughter found themselves in a family routine. While both Zing and Shere Khan worked, which meant they had to hire a nanny, they also made it a priority to cuddle their daughter as much as possible.

"Yep, it's a baby," Doc Vetinari (Vetinary Dualegacy) nodded when Zing led her upstairs to show off Sterling one day after work. "Definitely a baby."

But it seemed like Sterling was hardly a baby for long. In the blink of an eye, Zing and Shere Khan found themselves in the midst of party preparations. The entire family was invited, of course. "Aw, how come you get to do the toddler toss?" Zing complained. "I makeded da caek," Shere Khan grinned. Grumbling, Zing stepped back and let his husband and daughter have a little room.

And Sterling grew up kyoot!

In fact, as far as this deity can tell, she's the spitting image of her great-grandfather, Ben/Blite (Ten Caesars Legacy). "Aren't you a sweetie," Grace sighed happily, cuddling the little girl close. "And just a few months older than your cousin. I bet the two of you will be best friends!" "Fends?" "That's right," Grace smiled.

"Snuggle?" "Well, I should really put you in your crib... it's late," Grace said. "But I guess you can have just one more snuggle." Truth be told, Grace had to be torn away from her precious granddaughter when the party ended. ***

"Grandbabies everywhere," Susanna sighed, giving her longtime lover Gavin a quick hug before settling in to massage the aches out of his aging bones. "It makes me feel old." "You may feel old, but I am old," Gavin said with a shrug. "Ooh, that's nice." "So Toby's gone and knocked up not one, but two girls?" "Seems that way," Gavin grunted. "He's a surprisingly good father, too. Being a single parent isn't easy. I at least had you visiting and spending the night almost daily. But Persephone's mother wants nothing to do with her." "At least he's taking the responsibility," Anna said proudly. "And what about the other woman?"

"Ophelia," Gavin nodded. "A little lower, if you don't mind. I like Ophelia. I think she and Toby might even end up settling down one day." "Not yet, though?" "I don't think either of them are ready for that yet," Gavin said. "Do you wish we'd settled down?" "I can't say I would have minded it. I've loved a lot of women, but I've only Loved you." "I love you too."

"I love you, Persephone," Toby smiled, cradling his infant daughter to his chest for a moment before laying her in her crib. The little blue-skinned girl didn't really respond, apart from attempting to get a death-grip on her father's nose, but she did coo happily.

To his surprise, Toby found he really enjoyed being a father, even the less pleasant aspects of the job. And he was good at it, he thought. He spent plenty of time with Persephone, he changed all her diapers, he got up with her in the middle of the night. "I am a great dad," he thought proudly as he expertly changed yet another diaper. By this point, he didn't even flinch from that particular task, though he'd learned to be quick about it. Persephone had a knack for reacting as many babies do when their diapers are removed. It's something about the cold air. Many times Toby was thankful that Persephone was a girl and not a boy.

For all that he doted on Persephone, Toby was equally excited about the imminent birth of his child with Ophelia. He couldn't stop by her place as often as he would before Persephone's arrival, but he made sure that he at least phoned Opie on a daily basis. "Are you keeping me around just because of the thing inside me?" Ophelia asked a trifle bitterly when Toby ignored her in favor of talking to her stomach one afternoon. "What?" Toby blinked. "Why would you even say that, Opie? I can't imagine you not being in my life and I haven't been able to ever since

the first time I saw you back in university five years ago." "It's just that ... every time we're together it's about the baby this, the baby that, or about your other kid," Ophelia said sourly. "I like being a father," Toby said. "But that doesn't mean I'm not crazy about you. It's just... my life isn't just about me anymore, and our relationship isn't just about us anymore." "But you still sleep with other women."

"Actually," Toby shrugged, "you're the only one I've seen since Persephone was born." "Really?" Opie blinked. Somehow she hadn't been expecting that answer. "Figured it was only fair," Toby shrugged. "You haven't been in the mood since getting pregnant. It felt... wrong... to be fooling around when you couldn't or wouldn't." "That's kind of weird," Ophelia said. "But I guess I kind of like the idea of having you all to myself. Even if I haven't felt up to having you. Which is so weird. I'll be glad when junior's evicted. I want my body back, frammit! I have needs!"

"I know," Toby said, his voice turning serious for a moment. "And I want to make sure they're met. Always. Opie... I have something for you. It's... well, it's money." "Money? Are you trying to buy me off? Pay for getting me pregnant?" "No," Toby said hurriedly. "I just can't bear the thought of you struggling alone in that house of yours. Take it, please. For you. And the baby." Opie looked at Toby for a long moment.

Her thanks were a little nonverbal. But Toby got the gist of it.

A few days later, it was time for Persephone's birthday. "Hi Lyndsay," Ophelia said politely. "Nice to see you again," Lyndsay said, moving to stand a little closer to Toby. "You're looking... large." "And you're looking creepy," Ophelia nodded, all pretense at niceness dropped. "Stop stalking my boyfriend, okay? It's weird." "Ladies, ladies," Toby said in a smooth voice. "Err... yeah. This is for Persephone, so stop bickering." They complied, but shot daggers at each other the rest of the night.

Persephone, Toby declared, was the most beautiful girl on the face of the planet. It certainly can't be denied that she was gorgeous. "Here, can you keep an eye on her for a moment?" Toby asked Ophelia. "Me?" Ophelia blinked. "Yeah," Toby said. "I think you'll be a good mom. Might as well get some practice in." "I'm not going to be her mom," Ophelia muttered. But she made sure Toby couldn't hear her. "Sure, I'll watch her for a minute."

Once Toby was gone, Ophelia turned to the delicate blue toddler sitting on the floor. "What am I going to do with you?" she sighed. "A part of me hates you, but the rest of me thinks it's not really your fault that you exist."

Persephone slowly blinked her big blue eyes at Ophelia. "Tan I have a bottle, Op'elia?" Ophelia felt herself melt, but only a little.

Awkwardly, she crouched down to Persephone's height and patted the little girl on the head. "Your dad's gone to get one," she said. Critically, she inspected Persephone's hair. "Hmm, he's not bad at braiding little girls' hair, either." "Daddy made me pwetty," Persephone giggled. "I don't think toddlers your age are supposed to talk that well," Ophelia said, staring at the girl. "Just a hint."

"Haff-deity. Th' good bits." "I'll keep that in mind." "Zotz!" "I'd prefer if you didn't," Ophelia said, standing up. She shivered. She wasn't exactly sure how she felt towards Persephone, but she knew the girl kind of gave her the creeps.

Not two days later, Toby was at Ophelia's house for a very important event. "Just breathe, Opie," he advised, though he would have done well to take his advice himself. "It'll be over soon!"

"I know that!" Ophelia hissed. "Dammit, Toby Biggs, why did I ever sleep with you?" "Because I'm irresistible?" "I don't need to hear that right noooooooooooowwww!" "You're doing great," Toby said, wisely changing tacks. "Not much longer. You can do it!" "Toby, if you don't shut up I'm going to--"

But Toby never did find out what Opie was going to do to him because matters very rapidly came to a head shortly thereafter. "Is--is that it?" Ophelia said faintly, holding the squirming infant and swaying slightly. "That's it," Toby promised. Very, very gently he took the baby from Ophelia's arms and steered her to a chair so she could rest. "What are we going to name him?" Ophelia blinked. "I... I hadn't even thought that far ahead."

"Can I suggest something?" Toby asked. "Go for it, Biggs. You always do." "Laertes." "Hmm," Ophelia pondered that even as her eyes struggled to remain open. "Laertes. I like it." And with that, she was asleep.

Very quietly, so as not to wake Ophelia, Toby fed Laertes and then carried him into the newly renovated nursery. He was proud that he'd been able to provide this for his son, too. Laertes deserved to have all the same things that Persephone had. "Goodnight, my sweet son," he murmured, laying the boy down in his crib. "I'm going to take care of your mama now, but if you need anything just cry, okay? I'm good at hearing baby cries. I've got lots of practice."

Toby visited Ophelia and Laertes as often as he could in the days, weeks, and months that followed, but it wasn't as often as any of them would have liked. He felt guilty whenever he was away from Persephone, and it was rare that Ophelia could persuade him to spend the night. Usually he slept on the couch, but one evening some time after Laertes was born, Ophelia invited Toby into the bedroom. Of course, one thing led to another and before long they were thoroughly reacquainted.

"Ophelia?" Toby murmured as they drifted off to sleep. "Hmm?" Ophelia yawned. "Move in with me." "What?" "I mean it," Toby said, reaching back to take Ophelia's arm and wrap it around himself. "Move in with me and Persephone. We need you, and Laertes needs me."

Ophelia blinked. "I..." "You don't have to answer right now," Toby said, bringing Ophelia's fingers to his lips and kissing them softly, one by one. "Just think about it. Promise?" "Promise." And with that they both drifted off to sleep--the best sleep either of them had had in months.

Time passed, and neither of them brought up the subject of moving in together again. But it's a safe bet that the idea wasn't far from their thoughts, either. However, there were more imminent concerns. Such as Laertes' birthday. Toby was there, of course, as were some of Ophelia's coworkers.

"I think he looks like his mom," Toby said fondly. "He's adorable." "Hm, you could be right," Ophelia agreed.

"Daddeeeeee! Where's my daddy! I want daddy! Daddddddeeeeeeeee!"

"I'm here, I'm here!" Toby yelped, running into the nursery and rushing over to the crib. "Where you were?" Persephone demanded as Toby scooped her up.

"I was visiting your brother and his mom," Toby explained as he dressed his daughter expertly. "Laertes and Ophelia." "Don' like Op'elia," Persephone scowled. "You always there, and I miss you." "Of course you like Ophelia," Toby corrected her. "She's nice, and she sends you presents." "No," Persephone said, scowling. "Dose from you." "They're from both of us," Toby said. "She and I pick them out together. Except for your bear. She picked that out herself, and your brother has one just like it." "I like da bear," Persephone said reluctantly. Then a brilliant smile shone over her features. "I guess I like Op'elia. If she gave da bear."

"She also taught me a song that I want to teach you," Toby said, sitting down on the floor and settling Persephone across from him. "Laertes really likes it." "Is it a boy song?" Persephone demanded. "No, it's a kid song," Toby replied. "Well... otay."

After a while, Toby headed upstairs to get Persephone's bottle and the little girl toddled over to her teddy bear. "So you from Op'elia, huh?" she mused, chewing on the stuffed toy's ear.

Then she picked up the bear and slammed it into the floor as hard as she could. "Meh," she said. "I guess I like you. And I guess I like Op'elia."

Toby wasn't the only one who doted on Persephone. The elder generation were eager to babysit whenever Toby went to see Ophelia and Laertes, and they generally managed to distract the girl enough with all their attention that she wasn't too angry at her dad for not being home.

Whenever she was left to her own devices, Persephone tended to either beat the stuffing out of her favorite bear (which she'd named Ophelia, not that she told anyone this), or draw pictures.

As far as Toby was concerned, Persephone was a budding da Vinci, though the predominance of monsters with giant teeth did disturb him a little.

"Okay, Persephone," Gavin said, scooping her up and changing her into her pajamas. "It's bed time." "Bu' daddy's not home," Persephone protested. "Where he went? Is he at Op'elia's again?" "He's staying the night," Gavin nodded. "So it's just you and me and Uncle Don and Uncle Tycho and Auntie Lyndsay tonight." "Auntie Lyndsay smells bad."

Gavin blinked. "She, ah, could shower more often," he said cautiously. "An' she stalks daddy. I zotz her. Daddy doesn't like her. He just likes me, an' Op'elia," and here she scowled, "an' Laertes. When I see Laertes?" "Soon, I think," Gavin said. He wasn't entirely sure how to respond to his granddaughter's bizarre conversations." "Good."

The next morning, Toby was home when Persephone woke up. To her disgust, though, Laertes wasn't with him. The little girl had decided that, more than anything, she wanted to meet her little brother. And she wasn't going to let a little thing like mere geography stop her.

She was nearly halfway to Ophelia's house when a nice policeman found her and brought her back home. "Phooey."

Toby was so distracted by the turn of events that he nearly burned the house down.

And Lyndsay managed to stink up the place even more than usual.

That night, Ophelia stopped by on her way home from work. "Won't the nanny wonder why you're late?" Toby asked. "Not that I'm not happy to see you. It's just that I don't really trust her with Laertes." "She's a great babysitter," Ophelia said tiredly. "I just wanted to spend some one-on-one time with you without the kids, Toby. I don't like all this responsibility. I'm tired of it." "The kids aren't going away," Toby said.

"But maybe, just for a minute, we can pretend they aren't here," Ophelia said, sweeping Toby up into her arms. "Toby... make me feel like you did when we were in college again." "Mmph!" "I'll take that as a yes."

"She makes daddy happy. I guess I like her 'nuff not to zotz her. Too much. But I still gonna slam da bear." She giggled impishly and toddled back inside, from whence nobody had noticed she'd gone. To be continued...