Chapter 34 – Curses and Conspiracies

Arr and avast, gentle readers all! It be Talk Like a Pirate Day t'day, mates, and that means 'tis time fer another Piratical recap. Savvy? Ye may wish t' review th' previous recap, mates--'twas Chapter 16. But if ye feel like divin' in over yer head, pull up a seat and listen to a salty tale o' misery and woe.

"Madame Deity, why are you communicating in such an archaic form? Far be it from me to decry the language of my scurrilous antecedents, of course, but speech such as that you are modeling is rarely used in our current age." "Jack... have you looked at the calendar lately?" "It is the nineteenth day of the ninth month. Friday, in fact." "And what's so special about September nineteenth?" "I must confess that I am unaware of any specific connotation to this square on the calendar. I suspect that it may have some connection to these... accoutrements... you have insisted I sport."

"Aye! Gi' the lad a tot o' rum! 'Tis Talk Like A Pirate Day, mate! And in honor o' this special occasion, I've asked ye here t' dictate th' history o' yer family, from th' time yer nephew Roche absconded t' university." "Indeed. I believe I can prove beneficial in such a recounting. Shall we begin?" "The floor be yers, mate."

"I would be remiss if I did not first remark upon the circumstances that allow us to converse in this manner in this place and time," Jack said, taking a sip of the glass of water my son Hades had thoughtfully provided. "Didn't we mention it in the previous recap?" I blinked. "I was sure we had." "I was not a participant in that event," Jack said. "It was my illustrious foreplushie who cohosted previously." "Oh, right," I nodded. "Anyway, to get down to it: just prior to your sister Ivy's birthday, I summoned you and your Aunt Celeste to my home and explained that you were being given the task of watchers and caretakers of the family legacy. So that you could succeed in your task, you were given an unlimited supply of Elixir for yourselves and your spouses. Each generation, a spare of the direct family line would be added to the cadre of protectors."

"As you so eloquently put it," Jack agreed. "Which jogs my memory, incidentally. Before I take my leave, I must inform you of some information I have recently been made aware of. It is of some concern, but the matter is not urgent." "I'm all ears," I said. "Now... to the narrative?" "As my grandfather would say, 'All sheets to the wind!'"

"The entry of my pleasure-seeking younger nephew into the institute of higher learning favoured by our family, Academie Le Tour, was fraught with misadventure. In the beginning, however, it did not appear as such. Young Roche was determined at all costs to meet his obligations as favoured scion and he threw himself into pursuit of this at once. "The first task he undertook was to find a suitable spouse with whom he could bring about the next generation of Buccaneers. Finding appropriate members of the feminine persuasion rather lacking, he instead turned to the Gypsy Matchmaker. Marie Mazza, a purveyor of flat, open-faced pies of Italian origin, was the result. Fiery particles flew furiously, and presently an engagement was announced."

"That requirement of heirship accomplished, Roche set about searching for a solution to the problem that had recently beset the family: that of the family curse. This malediction had been plaguing my kindred since Roche's birth but the true consequences had only just been revealed. Unless the affliction was excoriated, conception of the succeeding generation would be prevented."

"With the help of his dearest compatriots, cousins Benjamin, Nala, and my own daughter April, Roche discovered the Necronomicon and determined that to eradicate the bane upon his fecundity he would have to resurrect one Anthony Greaves, a former paramour of my sister Ivy. The Resurrect-o-Nomitron would be required. As the family was not in possession of this arcane device, Roche sought membership in the Academie's clandestine organization and appropriated theirs. Placing a call to the Reaper, he fell into a deep coma."

"This van Winkle-esque state persisted for eight months, during which Roche haggled with the Grim Reaper for the resurrection of Anthony."

"At last, his wish was granted--but at a terrible cost. I do not envy him. I do not think I would have been capable of agreeing to the same terms."

"Upon completion of his Philosophical degree, Roche returned to Pirate Island and the Buccaneer clan moved into their fourth home of the legacy." "It's not my fault," I said defensively. "I kept pushing the limits of what my computer could handle. I switched from big house to small house, big lot to small lot... an awful lot." "Perhaps your addiction to 'custom content' was a factor?" "Err," I blushed. "Just get on with the story. You're entirely neglecting Roche's brother, and the spares do come into the story a fair bit."

"My apologies, Madame Deity. I did not intend negligence of my duties as narrator." "Jack," I said, exasperated. "How long have we known each other? You can call me by my first name, you know." "I did not wish to presume." "For the head of a criminal empire, you're awfully polite and stuffy." "I find it perplexes my rivals." "Get on with it!"

"Presently, Roche was wedded to Marie. Their triple bolt compatibility had the familial group crossing our fingers that they would have a long and fruitful marriage despite Marie's ... proclivities."

"Lest we forget, Roche's elder brother Bartholomew, or "Bart" in the vernacular, had a quest of his own during his pursuit of a higher education. Ivy had enjoyed a ... loose ... association with several men before entering into domestic bliss with my trusted minion, Pao. Thus, Bart was driven to seek enlightenment regarding his patrilineal ancestry. Just prior to his university graduation, and while Roche was still a freshman, Bart made the acquaintance of his father, Cale Kosmokos."

"This quest complete, Bart returned to his family sim roots and married a simself with the moniker of 'De Fireflower'. In time, they begat three offspring: Morgan, Pierce, and Rose."

"The Buccaneer clan was overjoyed when it was determined the curse had been truly shaken. The eldest children of Roche and Marie, twins due to my sister Ivy's culinary assistance, were Susanna and Grace Buccaneer."

"Unfortunately, the true price Roche had negotiated with the Grim Reaper became evident when the cowled anthropomorphisation of human fears regarding the afterlife absconded with my great-niece, leaving only a cold gravestone behind. Roche attempted to communicate his displeasure to the Reaper but it was made apparent that the clause was non-negotiable." "I wish he'd been able to find another solution," I said wistfully. "It was so sad when the lost little Susanna." "In that you are correct, Sarah. It was also the principal causation of the unraveling of Roche and Marie's matrimonial state."

"Unbeknownst to the rest of the family," Jack continued smoothly, "Susanna was not, in fact, deceased. Instead, she was adopted as a granddaughter and eventual heiress of the Grim Reaper himself. And, through the bond of twinship she shared with her sister Grace, the two shared many of their somnolent escapades. This bond would only intensify as the young ladies matured."

"While Roche and Marie's marriage was troubled, it did not crumble immediately. Shortly after Susanna was taken, Marie was delivered of twin boys: Nicholas, on the left, and William, on the right. Although variously complected, they were otherwise identical. Once they grew somewhat older they adopted similar sartorial and coiffurial mannerisms so that naught but proximity would serve to distinguish them."

"Roche and Marie's marital state of bliss did not return, so Marie gave in to her Romance tendencies and embarked upon a sequence of affairs. The most damaging of these was with the family nemesis, Anthony Greaves. Roche had not warned her of the villain, and so she did not realize the potential evils the proximity of his machinations could inflict. Such as purposefully omitting the use of contraception." "Bart knew, though," I pointed out. "He caught them together. And he could have said something to Roche much earlier. It would have saved a lot of grief." "He has confessed to me his perceived guilt at not passing this intelligence to his youthful sibling on more than one occasion. However, the fault does not lay with him. It rests entirely at the podiatric appendages - so to speak - of the illicit inamorati."

"Anthony was pretty set on getting revenge since his curse was thwarted," I agreed. "I think he would have wormed his way into Marie's... photobooth... at some point even if her marriage to Roche wasn't already on the rocks." "That is a reasonable hypothesis," Jack agreed. "Coincidentally, certain proximal revelations suggest that Anthony's moderately unjustified vendetta was encouraged by an outside group wishing to cause harm to the legacy family." "WHAT?!?" I screeched.

"That is the matter of which I wish to brief you at the close of this recounting," Jack nodded. "Your deityship should be familiar with the virtue of patience, Sarah." "I'm not good at patient," I muttered. "This fact has not escaped my notice. The prevalence of artificially oxidized Simself population currently infesting the island is testament to your lack of restraint." "Watch it, fella."

"Before long, Marie discovered that she was again in a family way. She and Roche had not ceased their... carnal activities... even though they had grown detached from one another, so my dear nephew had no reason to doubt the patrimony of the child. Marie, on the other hand, was very aware that the infant could be Anthony's, and even recorded this potentiality in her weblog." "Not very smart of her," I observed. "Once you put something out on the internet, it's there forever." "Indeed. I myself prefer to avoid the pernicious medium unless absolutely necessary." "You're a smart man, Jack Thayer." "This information has also not escaped my notice."

"Youngest child Gertie joined the family when the time came and was immediately a favourite of her siblings and her father. Unlike the vast majority of her generation, she was uncommonly kind and friendly. All who met her were enamoured of her charming smile and winsome demeanor."

"Thus, when the surviving members of the primary lineage of the legacy family met to propose a fifth generation heir, Gertie was the natural choice. We were--and are--all fond of her. "It was at this meeting when Bart approached me and asked me to expunge the... shall we say, physical evidence... of the most execrable of Marie's indiscretions."

"I took some miniscule delight in despatching my most trusted minions to ensure Anthony's perpetual emigration."

"The remote island where he was abandoned was not as desolate as many were led to believe. Anthony endured a moderately favorable existence there, though he had only a haunted ursine soft toy to keep him company, and died in platinus res. "My interference was not looked upon kindly by those who conspire against the family. I believe this incident is what caused them to exacerbate their efforts to harm us." "Stop teasing me with snippets of information, Jack." "It is a mark of affection, Sarah. And a method of retaining your attention, which is notoriously fickle." "Uh-huh. Just keep talking, mister. You have a lot of explaining to do."

"When Bartholomew was certain Anthony would no longer trouble his brother, he sat down with Roche and informed him of Marie's cuckoldry. To his surprise, Roche was aware of the affairs. He was not entirely innocent himself, he confessed. But since Gertie's birth, he and Marie both decided independently to put some work into renewing their matrimonial contract and Roche was willing to forgive the past. Bart was not entirely satisfied, but left this to his brother."

"Soon afterwards, the pentagenerational cadre of Buccaneers enrolled at Academie Le Tour. Bart's eldest filial offspring, Morgan, was assigned to the same dormitory as her cousin Grace. Also domiciled in their conurbation was an oddly familiar maiden addressed as 'Anna.'"

"Grace's siblings also relocated to Paris for their post-secondary education at the start of the same semester, choosing to habitate off-campus with their cousin Pierce."

"Once all of the siblings entered their sophomore year, they transplanted themselves to Arravast House--this being the legacy Hellenic house. Anna also pledged the fraternity, and Morgan entered into a domestic agreement with her brother Pierce--namely, he would remove the detritus of mealtime from the dining salon and she would scour the ablutionary chamber if they were to cohabitate. "As you no doubt surmised, Anna's legatine heritage was shortly discovered as the result of a slip of the felt by Captain Jack." "Slip of the 'felt', nothing," I insisted. "It was deliberate on his part. He's often complained to me about the obtuseness of his family. Although I think he's proud of them nonetheless." "He enjoys my avaricious nature," Jack smiled. "He often waxes poetic about the similarity of the Syndicate to the crew of his illicitly employed trading vessel." "He would. Although giving them too many shares was what got him here in the first place."

"In any case, there was soon a happy reunion between Susanna and her parents, though Marie was reportedly overwhelmed. It was some considerable time before she could look upon her estranged daughter without expressing her emotions in liquid form. Roche, however, felt considerably lightened by this knowledge. He had carried a burden of guilt ever since the supposed decease of his child. Having recently lost some children myself--" Jack stopped, his voice suspiciously hoarse. I put my hand on Jack's arm comfortingly. "In recent days, immortality has seemed more a curse than a blessing," he said awkwardly. I turned away to give him a moment to regain his composure. "Thank you," he said after some minutes. "As I was saying... while the festering wounds Roche bore were finally cleansed, Marie's were exacerbated for a time. Their marriage wavered again."

"Meanwhile, Gertie grew up into a comely lass, much favored by the others of her generation. She did not get to enjoy her teenaged years for long, however."

"The night after her birthday, she was sent a thoroughly malicious email directing her attention towards her mother's internet personal manifesto, and Gertie learned that she was not, in fact, her father's daughter--and thus was ineligible for the heirship. Exceedingly distraught, she absconded into the night on a lengthy voyage of self-discovery." "I've often wondered who sent that email. I always assumed it was you or Bart. Wasn't there a confession to that effect at some point?" "For a supposedly omniscient being, you are remarkably uninformed of the goings-on in your demesne." "My second sight needs glasses, okay?"

"Unfortunately for Roche and Marie, Gertie left a note detailing her rationale for departure. Roche happened upon the note and finally succumbed to the anger he felt towards Marie for her myriad indiscretions. He dissolved their marriage upon the instant."

"My beloved sister Ivy having long since passed, Roche left the house in care of my dear comrade Pao while he began an expedition in search of Gertie. Though she was no scion of his blood, he cared for her as a true daughter and would not rest until they were reunited."

"The four remaining siblings were understandably hurt, confused, and distraught upon these revelations. They sat down amongst themselves and determined which of them should inherit. It proved a remarkably simple choice. Susanna, having lived outside the legacy household, was ineligible. Nicholas preferred the company of men, and at that time would have been unable to produce a biological child with a male partner. As well, he was betrothed to a playable. And Will was stepping out with Orikes, a simself, and intended to propose soon. Thus the only viable option was Grace."

"Grace was, in fact, romantically invested in one of her professors, Lee Kimbrell. Her neglect in communicating this fact to other than her siblings was due to the jeopardy the knowledge could cause to Lee's employment status. As both were fortune sims, this would be an undesirable turn of events. But once the line of succession was determined, they publicized their relationship."

"Roche was unaware of this development, however. His perambulations had taken him around the world, treading in the steps of Gertie's apprenticeships to the Witch Doctor of Twikki Island and the sage of Takemizu Village, culminating in the Three Lakes region of Canada. There he followed the directions of a decrepit geographic survey to the burrow of a sasquatch nominatively tagged as Andrew. "Andrew had formed a friendly acquaintanceship with Gertie, partially due to the blatant abuse of supernatural artifice in the form of a Mickles doll, and supplied Roche with directions to her cabin."

"The reunion was all Roche had anticipated. He convinced Gertie to return to the familial domicile. Gertie, who had converted to the Way of Cheese during her travels, was happy to be able to contribute to the family legacy in this way. Now none of her sister's descendants would be required to walk the lactose path." "Do you disapprove of Grilled Cheese sims?" I asked. "Not entirely," Jack shrugged. "However, the affliction is extremely... single-minded, to the exclusion of more wholesome familial concerns. And there is evidence that one may become

mentally... deficient... if exposed to the Re-Nu-Yu Orb too frequently. Gertie's offer was a noble sacrifice for any member of the family, for it also meant that she would give up hope of having children of her own." "She did have Andrew," I said. "Yes, and I believe that she regards the companionship of such as he, and her niece and nephews, to be worth the price. Not all would share her contentment."

"In a serendipitious turn of events, Roche and Gertie were reunited prior to Grace's university graduation. The celebratory gathering became a reunion, as well, to the delight of all in attendance."

"When Roche, Grace, Lee, Gertie, and Andrew returned to Pirate Island, they were astonished and pleased at the new manor Pao had constructed in their absence. To both Roche and Gertie, it served as reminder of their travels. To Grace and Lee, the home's exotic extravagance was a symbol of the family's wealth."

"Again, to display their evident affluence to the masses, Grace and Lee elected to celebrate the premier community lot wedding on Pirate Island. None had yet engaged in this extravagance. Nary a guest was stinted and a grand time was enjoyed by all in attendance, including my wife Meadow and myself."

"Grace and Lee then departed for an extended honeymoon on Twikki Island. While in residence, they purchased a beach bungalow for future generations of the family to enjoy."

"It was a season of connubial bliss, in fact," Jack added with a fond smile. "Shortly after the heiress and her husband contracted their nuptials, twins Nicholas and William became espoused to their respective affianced and entered into a roommate situation."

"And what of prodigal daughter Susanna? She contrived a moderately reliable mutual reclining arrangement with one Gavin Biggs of Paris, formerly Pirate Island. Gavin is, incidentally, the grandson of my late sister, Anne. Susanna's status as Grim Reaper conferred some unexpected results."

"But then," Jack added happily, "offspring are somewhat expected in the seasons following a generational transition. The first child born into the sixth circle was Coxinga, eldest of Grace and Lee. He was followed shortly thereafter by his cousins: Hugo, scion of Orikes and Will; Toby, unnaturally birthed offspring of Gavin and Susanna; younger sister and future heiress Ching Shih; and eventually Liv, Hugo's sibling."

"This was also a time of familial reparation. Marie's children were the first to extend the olive branch of forgiveness to their wayward mother. Marie, who had suffered the estrangement with extreme distress, apologized profusely for her part in the catastrophic separation. She was eager to commence her grandmotherly duties and grew extremely close to all five children."

"She and Roche also came to a peaceful understanding, of sorts. I have it on good authority that they resumed their, ah, carnal knowledge of each other in their old age, though they never resumed a formal relationship. Marie did, however, provide my nephew with the final Dream Date he required for platinite achievement."

"All was proceeding extremely well for the Buccaneer tribe," Jack nodded. "It is unsurprising that the elements conspiring to usurp the family from their admittedly principally ceremonial position of power were displeased." "You mean the whole tragic story surrounding the Roman branch of the extended family was instigated?" I breathed. "By someone other than a pair of power-hungry siblings, I mean." "I have insinuated such, have I not? Sometimes I wonder if you truly cogitate upon what I say, Sarah." "It's the big words," I complained. "I have to think about them a few

times before I get the gist of what you mean and by then you're on to the next topic. You're as hard to understand as Shere Khan sometimes!" "At least my diction is carried out entirely in Simlish, my friend." "Oh hush. Get on with the story, please." "I was endeavoring to do so before you interrupted me." "It's a good think you're cute," I complained. "Otherwise I would have zotzed you ages ago for your cheek."

"Displaced Roman siblings Septimus and Octavia Toyonaga determined that the influence of the Buccaneer family was waning. Feeling that their limb of the family tree was more suited for heirship, they conspired to bring Toyonaga family heir Justinian, then just a toddling infant in diapers, under their sway. They would indoctrinate him and rule the island as his regents."

"To accomplish this foul deed, they slew his father, Sejanus, and resurrected him as a mute, zombified corpse."

"This turn of events had a predictably traumatizing effect on young Justinian and his teacher, simself Professor Butters, realized that something nefarious was afoot."

"She enlisted the aid of Ephemeral Toast and Robinoli, two simselves who had undergone the process of reverse maturation in order to relive the 'fun' of childhood. Ms. Toast was assigned to shadow Justinian while Ms. Robinoli befriended Crassus, the younger Toyonaga child."

"Meanwhile, the legacy family remained oblivious. They never would realize the extent of the crisis at hand, shielded as they were by the intervention of the simselves." "I'm still annoyed by that," I muttered. "Shouldn't meddle in other peoples' timestreams." "The punishment you enacted--but we are getting ahead of ourselves." "Right," I said. I stood up and stretched. "I could use a tot of rum. You?" "I have occasionally indulged. The treat would not be amiss." I laughed and rummaged around under the couch for a few minutes before withdrawing a bottle of the beverage in question. "Now," I said once I'd taken a careful sip. "Where were we?"

"The children of the sixth generation were entering the teenaged phase of life," Jack said. "Coxinga, affectionately referred to as 'Zing' by those closest to him, was the first. He followed in the footsteps of his parents and determined a life of Piratical plunder was for him."

"Hugo Pseudo, son of Will and Orikes, was the next. He was devoted to family and envisioned raising at least three children of his own. First, however, he would have to find a spouse."

"He availed himself of the Gypsy Matchmaker and was paired with Lainey Barthelet, a native of Singapore. They maintained considerable correspondance after their initial encounter, which is why I mention it now." "They were meant to be, in the end," I sighed romantically. "That remains to be seen," Jack said noncommitally. "Now, do you wish me to elucidate upon the family's events of note for you or would you like to take over?" "You're doing fine," I shrugged. "Don't let me stop you." "Then cease your chattering tendencies or this will not be finished until the holiday you are so adamant about celebrating has passed." I stuck my tongue out at him but obediently stopped talking.

"Toby was the third cousin to mature beyond childhood. He had two passions: automotives, and females. He pursued both with considerable efficiency."

"My nephew Roche made arrangements to take all five of his grandchildren on vacation so that their parents could holiday as well, but before this could occur Lee was abducted by aliens whilst stargazing on the deck of the legacy manor. I must report, Sarah, that a voluble stream of curses was heard in the vicinity of this lodge when the event occurred." "It was not planned." "As I surmised. Lee and Grace were startled with the development but not averse to the idea of having another child."

"Before the blessed event could occur, though, the scheduled vacations materialized. Roche and his five grandchildren had the experience of a lifetime on the white sands of Twikki Island. Two events of note occurred in the midst of their travels."

"First, Ching Shih made the acquaintance of an island man named Jim Reeves. He was coordinator of the island's penpal exchange program and they entered into a correspondence that would become very dear to both of them. As well, Hugo encountered Lainey on their island and their romance was rekindled."

"Some months after everyone returned from their respective voyages, Lee was delivered of twin alien boys. He and Grace christened them 'Borusa' and 'Spandrell'. Unlike other twin scions of the household, this pair was not identical. The primary visual distinguishing feature was Spandrell's prominent nose. Borusa was lacking this particular appendage."

"Though the legacy family was blissfully unaware of the Roman machinations occurring behind the scenes, the simselves had not neglected their investigations. Once Ms. Toast and Ms. Robinoli reached their teenaged years again they determined to host a gala event so as to better acquaint themselves with Justinian Toyonaga."

"Ms. Robinoli was relegated to the role of party coordinator and host while Ms. Toast took it upon herself to act as personal entertainer to Justinian. While their initial encounter was somewhat hostile, it was not long before teenaged hormones had led them into an unintended relationship."

"Also of note, the party marked the first time Coxinga Buccaneer and Shere Khan Thayer (a distant descendant of both myself and my brother Edward) spent any meaningful time in company with each other. I must declare that the ultimate consequences of this event are moderately disconcerting, if not terribly unwelcome for persons of a family persuasion who previously lacked the propensity for direct lineal propagation - but once more, I exceed the present scope of my discourse."

"As well, Hugo's international prospective consort visited and seeded the roots of friendship with Hugo's parents and younger sibling, Liv. I believe the juvenile Miss Pseudo was rather disgusted that someone would wish to engage in romantic activities with her brother, but otherwise she and Lainey found each other's company mutually satisfying."

"Fearing the appearance of impropriety, Hugo's parents insisted that he repose within a construction of canvas in the back yard. I am given to understand this was a subject of intense amusement for the younglings of Pirate Island for a considerable period of time."

"In the meantime, Coxinga and Shere Khan, being individuals of a more sedate and introspective nature, were awkwardly pursuing a relationship of their own."

"Toby Biggs was pursuing a relationship with many females of his peer group. Though he primarily resided in Paris, he was a frequent visitor to Pirate Island and entered into as many entanglements here as he did in his native country. This particular one would prove particularly troublesome for him in the future." "Don't I know it," I muttered. "'Thena's been complaining about Toby since high school. Not that she's any better. I don't know why she holds him to standards she is unable to meet herself. It is a source of grief to me, Jack." "I can imagine," he said sympathetically. "I suspect her recent activities have not endeared you further, either." "Recent?" "Ah, but we are coming to that," he said smoothly. "If you are unaware, the proper context will prove beneficial."

"Whatever you say," I shrugged. "In that case, shall I add that Ching Shih was the next kid from the main houses to grow up?" "I would not use that sequence of denotative vocabulary--" "That's because all those words were one-syllable." "--but I accord you the right to dictate as you see fit."

"Her girlish charm was not unappreciated by the lads of Pirate Island. Justinian, in the thrall of Septimus and Octavia, was the first to act upon this, though it is only fair to indicate that he made the approach under dire threat from his unscrupulous relations. Their sole social outing was interrupted by the arrival of Justinian's steady date, Ms. Toast. It is an understatement to mention that the event did not end happily for anyone concerned. Ching Shih swore off dating until she was older, and Ms. Toast did not accept Justinian's apology for his inappropriate behaviour until after he explained that it was due to Septimus and Octavia's insistence."

"Ching Shih poured her heart out to her penpal of yore, Jim Reeves. As she aged, the nature of their relationship grew and changed and by the timing of this occurrence, they had evolved from mentor and mentee to nearly equals."

"Justinian, meanwhile, chose this event to rebel against the control Septimus and Octavia were exercising over his family. His erstwhile regents were suitably unimpressed at this insurgency."

"It culminated in Justinian and Ms. Toast's imprisonment in the Toyonaga family home at the hands of the malevolent Roman conspirators. Fortunately, Justinian's younger brother Crassus was able to escape in the confusion of incarceration."

"He immediately notified Ms. Robinoli, who had already organized the remaining simselves to intervene when the moment was right."

"A crack team of simself commandos was led by my own trusted associate Ben, who I am informed also goes by the pseudonyms 'Blite27' and 'netsfn1427'. Also participating was Toshiko Buccaneer, adopted granddaughter of my nephew Bart. She would prove invaluable in the extrication of the prisoners, though some time would pass before her involvement would come to my attention."

"The strike was successful and Septimus and Octavia defeated. This was when I became aware of the situation, as Ben had not seen fit to inform me prior. While I was impressed with his initiative, I was not happy that I had been kept unenlightened for so long. Still, I offered transport of the nefarious duo to the same island where Anthony had been left. To the best of my knowledge, they preside there to this day. "Ironically, this entire series of incidents had passed entirely unnoticed by both the legacy family and, as far as I can ascertain, your own deific awareness." I stiffened defensively. "I had other things on my mind," I muttered. "That was around when Chris and I both turned into plants and he turned into a werewolf. We were a little busy." "Indubitably, that is the reason," Jack said easily. "Perhaps you could elucidate on your reaction to the intelligence when it reached you."

"I was not pleased," I said. "Not that I mind simselves meddling to a lesser degree. But the way my world works, there are consequences for getting involved in the main timeline of the story. Specifically, it is a one-way street."

"And that is the primary causation of the combusted appearance sported by the simself members of the community in the following days?" Jack asked. "Exactly," I said. "Once I became aware of it, the mortalization occurred instantaneously. I guess I could have stopped it, but I'm a firm believer in actions and consequences. Especially when they make for funny pictures." "A trait that could prove interesting in days to come," Jack said vaguely. "Shall I continue my discourse? It is nearly midnight--we must hurry if we are to attain your goal for completion." "Go ahead and talk without me," I said. "I'm gonna visit the potty." "Madam, that information was entirely unnecessary."

"Supernatural events abounded in the following weeks," Jack said, raising his voice so I could hear him through the door. "Sightings of apparitions and the like. The only one with any bearing on our tale, however, is the abduction of Shere Khan Thayer. A scientifically minded feline-human hybrid, he seized upon the possibility of genetic children for same-gendered couples and applied his considerable intellect to the task."

"Also of note, my beloved wife supplied the final customer appreciation star to Grace's fifth business, a Used Car Emporium which she and Coxinga were running together. Upon achieving her goal, Grace gifted the business to her son."

"Liv was the final of the elder five Buccaneer cousins to reach the teenaged segment of her lifespan. Shortly after she grew up, the three eldest departed for university."

"Gertie finally entered a platinum lifestate after consuming two hundred grilled cheese sandwiches." "And thank goodness for the freetime perk," I mumbled, sitting back down beside my longtime friend. "That goal was killing me."

"The alien sons of Grace and Lee developed into striking-looking toddlers. Though very different, they were nearly inseparable."

"Grace and Lee transitioned into their golden years. Neither was inclined to retire from their monetary pursuits, however. As a fellow wealth-seeker, I can understand why they are not ready to relax. The pursuit of simoleans is relaxing."

"Shortly thereafter, the first simself on Pirate Island transitioned to elder, namely Orikes, spouse of Will. She entered the stage gracefully, although I believe she requested grandchildren rather vociferously." "It was just a pleasant request for pictures of grandbabies," I shrugged. "Not really out of the ordinary."

"Sarah, there is precious little of the ordinary about your legacy," Jack said, turning to me. "Not only do you write a convoluted tale of scurrilous woe, you also engage in eccentric literary aspirations involving my good friend Sim." "He's well-liked. We should probably mention him in the recap, shouldn't we." "His fate is not entwined with the primary legend of the family at this point, Sarah, and for the purposes of the island's history, he is considered what I believe is termed 'non-canon' in certain communities. While he does enter into the timeline at a later date, we are not there yet." "Well, let's get there," I said impatiently. "I'm running out of time here!"

"Our journey picks up at university in Paris, where Coxinga and Shere Khan renewed their romantic relationship."

"As well, Ching Shih began moving towards embracing her Piratical heritage. She was often described as the most comely pirate lass yet produced by the family with her uniquely attractive features."

"Ching Shih was quite in love with her dear friend of many years, Jim Reeves. To that end, she determined that she would visit him over the summer to discover if he shared her feelings."

"Of one thing she was certain--the affection she felt for her comrade was more than just a schoolgirl infatuation. There was a meeting of minds that she found incredibly stimulating."

"I'd say that's not all she found stimulating," I cracked. "You cheapen their relationship with such coarse comments," Jack chided me. "Suffice to say, the trip was a success and though no promise was made, Ching Shih returned to Paris secure in the knowledge that she would bring in the seventh generation of the family with Mr. Reeves."

"Aren't you going to mention the other important event that occurred while Shih was on her vacation?" I demanded. "I would not be so remiss," Jack sounded as hurt as I've ever heard him. "My great-great-niece had a spectral encounter with a pirate captain on a ship known as the Counterfeit Clam -- incidentally, I deny all prior knowledge of that label -- which she later learned was the sister ship to our ancestral vessel, the Black Pearl. When she mentioned this to our befurred progenitor, he suggested that she seek out the Pearl and return it to the family if at all possible. Ching Shih promised to look into the matter, though she doubted she would have time until after she started her family."

"When studies resumed, Ching Shih's cousin Toby found himself embroiled in drama of the feminine sort. He was consorting with several women on campus, and unfortunately found himself caught between your daughter Athena and your granddaughter Diana. The resulting row was spectacular, I am told." "I caught that one myself," I said. "I made popcorn. It was pretty entertaining." "Also somewhat predictive," Jack said. "What's that?" "We are approaching the climax of this particular story," Jack nodded. "It is time to exercise that patience you find yourself lacking."

"It was around that time that Toby met a fellow student named Ophelia Smith. My research indicates that she is an import from Orikes' Pseudo legacy, and a romance sim of the same degree as Toby himself." "I just wanted to see how well they'd get on," I said defensively.

"It took some considerable length of time, but eventually Miss Smith succumbed to Toby's reputedly myriad charms. She was especially reticent due to Toby's supernatural heritage, having had negative experience with the weird in her own dimension. But, as I said, his persistence led to an unconventional understanding between them. I cannot say that I approve, exactly, though they were both satisfied by the arrangement." "As long as they were both up-front about their expectations," I said. "That's really key to any relationship." "Indeed. You will find no argument from me on that point."

"Lainey Barthelet had enrolled at Academie Le Tour at the same time as Hugo and the two started moving towards a more permanent engagement. There were a number of bumps and snags in their pursuit of happiness, but they were betrothed before the start of their senior year of university." "There were a lot of people unhappy at Lainey's philandering ways," I mused. "Still, she did repent and she and Hugo do mostly behave nowadays." "Ah, I believe any incidents may be traced to autonomous casual romance," Jack said. Unaccountably, a blush crept over his dark features. "It would be unseemly to hold an individual responsible for

their actions under the influence of this modification to your system parameters." "Guilty conscience, Jack?" "I explicitly avoided that particular expression." "It's what you aren't saying that tells me so much." "I would appreciate it if you would change the autonomy settings for my household, Sarah. My behavior of late has been... embarrassing." "I'll look into it," I promised.

"Graduation loomed for the elder members of generation six and Liv prepared to begin her pursuit of higher education. As well, she was chosen as the heir to her Uncle Nick and his husband Green's house, which they in turn had inherited from Marie when she passed. Liv accepted the honour graciously--she was easily the kindest member of her generation and never even considered turning down the responsibility. Indeed, she looked forward to moving in with her elderly uncles."

"Mr. Reeves was a frequent visitor to Arravast House, where the family members now resided. Ching Shih advocated matrimony the instant it became apparent that Mr. Reeves was not opposed to the idea despite his Romance aspiration. He accepted."

"Ching Shih, always an overachiever, then became the first heir of the family to reach a platinate state prior to her adult years when she achieved maximum prowess in all seven skills."

"At this point I find it necessary to make a digression. You will recall I mentioned that Shere Khan was eager to investigate the possibilities of androgenera following his extraterrestrial incident. While Ching Shih was acquainting herself with Mr. Reeves on Twikki Island several summers prior, Shere Khan perfected a retrovirus that would activate certain aspects of the genome latent in the DNA of every sim."

"His test subject was none other than my own son, Ash. Unfortunately, there proved to be unintended consequences: namely, the retrovirus became contagious as Ash was infected with a rhinovirus at the time of treatment. The first evidence that something untoward had happened was the pregnancy of his roommate Sawyer, who was affianced to a great-grandson of mine. By the time Shere Khan could identify the vector, it was too late to reverse it. The majority of the island's population was infected, and the epidemic is now global. Shere Khan has unnaturally accelerated our evolution." He sounded proud of this. "Such are the possible consequences of genetic engineering," I said. "It's a fascinating topic. But not one we have time for. It's only still the ninteenth in a few specific timezones. If we don't hurry, I'm going to miss out!"

"Next we come to the period of connubial conjugation of sixth generation," Jack said. "The first members of the immediate family circle to get married were Hugo and Lainey. They had an extremely elaborate ceremony and reception, as befits a fortune-family pairing." "You and Meadow got married in the bathroom in your pajamas." Jack blushed again. "We did not wish to wait," he muttered. "In any case, we are not discussing my marriage."

"To date they have had three children: Orlando, Sarah, and Cate. Hugo has recently expressed a wish to expand the family further. I have not heard Lainey's response to this sentiment."

"Coxinga and Shere Khan were next to be wedded," he added. "They had a small ceremony in accordance with Coxinga's desire to keep costs to a minimum. It is said that the symbolic pastry confection was veritable." "Veritably what?" "That was not an adverb."

"Very shortly thereafter, Coxinga entered confinement until their daughter Sterling was born. As is readily evident, Grace makes a very devoted grandmother."

"Speaking of babies," I interrupted. "Chris and I were, ah, busy the other day when I suddenly realized I was perma-plat. I wanted six grandkids... and that meant that one of my kids had a baby. But as far as I knew none of them were pregnant or had pregnant partners." "About that," Jack began delicately.

"In fact," I continued, "I even confronted Athena about it. She's the most likely candidate because of her age and lack of adult children. But she completely denied it."

Jack's expression was pained. "I believe your daughter was not entirely truthful with you," he said after a long moment of strained silence. "You're going to explain what you mean by that, of course." It was not a question. "I would not purposely withhold information, Sarah. I was unaware of your... lack of knowledge."

"Athena did indeed have a child," he continued. "WHAT?!? With who?!?" "With Toby." "She's such an idiot," I said, shaking my head in disbelief.

"Toby was not opposed to the idea of fatherhood," Jack said gently. "But your daughter was violently against motherhood. To complicate the situation further, Ms. Smith also fell pregnant at roughly the same time." "Toby needs to keep his pants on," I said weakly. "It would perhaps prove wise for him to heed that advice," Jack nodded.

"So what did she have?" I said faintly. "Boy? Girl? Alien?" "Athena was delivered of a daughter," Jack said. "She immediately abrograted her parental rights and left Persephone with Toby. To my best knowledge, he is doing an admirable job of raising her." "Well, that's something," I said, pouring myself another shot of rum and downing it in a single gulp. Then I recalled: "How did Ophelia take it?"

"Remarkably well, considering," Jack said. "Shortly after Persephone was born, she had a son named Laertes. Toby has seen to their every need." "He's always had a sense of responsibility," I muttered. "It was just usually subservient to his hormones. How does Ophelia treat my granddaughter?"

"Well enough," Jack responded. "I understand she attempts to buy Persephone's affection with presents, and that she recently consented to cohabitate with Toby so they could both devote more time to the children. It is an odd family unit but the arrangement is satisfactory to all concerned. As I have no news of spontaneous combustion originating from that household, I assume your granddaughter does not object to her stepmother." "We need to hurry up and finish here," I said quickly. "I've gotta make plans to visit Paris, stat. I have a granddaughter to meet and a daughter to punish." Jack eyed me cautiously. "I would not care to be in the shoes of Athena at this time." "No," I said darkly. "No, you wouldn't."

"To return to the subject at hand," Jack said, attempting to divert my attention, "I am pleased to report that Liv has settled down at least temporarily with one steady amour, as opposed to the married and affianced men she was carrying on with. His name is Count Randy Fuchs--" "Really?" I giggled. "Why are you laughing, Sarah?" "Randy... Fuchs..." I doubled over. Jack stared at me for a long moment. "I fail to see what you consider so amusing," he said at last. "Never mind."

"At latest report, Liv graduated and moved in with her uncles, where she has been alternating her time between spoiling her nephew and nieces and mothering her uncles. I hear she has recently departed on a quest to find my ursine ancestor's cache of fermented sugarcane beverage."

"Before we return to the legacy family, I must relate that Crassus Toyonaga was able to develop a cure for Sejanus' zombieism under the supervision of Shere Khan. Sejanus and his wife Ellen recently celebrated their elder birthdays." "Yeah I heard about that," I said.

"And now we return to the legacy family," Jack said at last. "You might be happy, Sarah. This tale is nearly complete." "Yeah, but I don't like this part," I said, making a face. "It's not happy." "Mr. Reeves and Ching Shih were scheduled to exchange matrimonial vows on a fall day approximately two years ago," Jack continued, ignoring my sentiment. "At first, it appeared all would go according to plan."

"However, the celebration was cut short before it could be consummated. The laws of Pirate Island had been changed at some point in the past and the marriage of Mr. Reeves to Ching Shih made illegal. The groom was summarily deported."

"If this were not catastrophic enough, Ching Shih discovered she was with child. Extreme nausea, and then the delicacy of her pregnancy, prevented her from following Mr. Reeves immediately. I offered my services to research a resolution to the tragic dilemma, but my search was fruitless for a long time." "Don't you have law-ninjas to do that stuff for you?" "Alas, your televisual broadcasting organization has retained the services of the most promising stealth-legal minds indefinitely. My resources are limited to third-year paralegal interns."

"I conferenced with Ching Shih on a frequent basis and found msyelf appreciating her intelligence and wit more and more on each occasion. Due to the number of meetings occurring at my own manor, my wife Meadow took a motherly view towards my niece, and I confess I grew rather paternal. "I was extremely embarrassed when I learned that Ching Shih's dilemma was partially my fault. The law concerning her betrothed's immigration was linked to another law detrimental to my business, and so I had buried it through my influence on the government of

Pirate Island." "With bribes, you mean." "I just said that, did I not?" "Go on." "Now that I knew the cause of the difficulty, I could research a loophole."

"Unfortunately, inspiration did not strike and Ching Shih's son, Balthier, was a toddler before I realized a solution. In fact, Captain Jack himself uttered the final piece of the puzzle on the morning of Balthier's birthday."

"As I was an invited guest, I took the opportunity to recount what I had learned. A marital contract between Ching Shih and Mr. Reeves was prohibited by law--unless it took place aboard our family ship, the Black Pearl. To that end, I suggested that Ching Shih contact my friend, Sim Spade. I am confident she has taken my advice." "That's good to know," I said. "If anyone can find something, it's Sim. It's not that he's bright, but he is..." "Blessed with exceptional good fortune despite his protestations to the contrary," Jack finished. "They will be successful. But I fear that is not enough."

"Now's where you explain what you've been insinuating all evening," I said, narrowing my eyes at him. "You keep implying that someone has it in for the legacy family." "I first came across a hint of conspiracy when delving into the legal matters pertaining to immigration and then the history of the laws involved," Jack said. "I am perhaps better at reading between the lines than many on this island. It is my intuition that is guiding my belief, you understand." "Just spill it, Jack," I said impatiently ."You've been dancing around the idea all night. And it's late and I'm tired. I do not have the patience for this. What's up?"

"There is a group in existence on Pirate Island whose sole purpose seems to be destruction of the Buccaneer family," Jack said at last. "I have no real evidence. I am hesitant even to give voice to my concerns. But I am convinced that if nothing is done, the family will not last another generation." "That's pretty serious stuff," I said finally. "What do you intend to do about it?" "This is difficult for me to admit," Jack said, "but I do not even know where to start..."

Stay tuned for the first installment of Sim Spade and the Corsairs of the Lost Ship... coming to an Exchange near you soon! AND IT'S STILL TALK LIKE A PIRATE DAY IN HAWAII, FRAMMIT!!!!!