The Fuddler October 2009

When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!

C&R PEST MANAGEMENT

40 Yrs experience Fully Insured Special Rates for OAPS!

Wasps, Rats, Mice, Rabbits, Moles, etc

Free Estimate01525 288207

07500 431131

Do you need a venue for a Friday or

Saturday night party? Ampthill Town FC offers

a fully licensed bar, excellent catering facilities and capacity for 80 people

For further information, contact: Pauline Marlow

01525-750217 D & G SHORT

NEED A LOCKSMITH?

Please turn to our ad

on page 8

Plus - All aspects of

home security

FIXED PRICE AERIAL

INSTALLATIONS

See our ad on page 25

Staples Garden Centre, Fordfield Rd, Millbrook, MK45 2HZ Telephone 01525 402959

Workshops & Clubs available - please come in and pick up a newsletter with all the details. We stock card making supplies, decoupage, water colour supplies and much more! DMC Silks, Jewellery, beads and findings. NEW!

JEWELLERYWORKSHOP

Please pop in shop for dates.

NEW! Embroidery day workshop starting with JANE JORDAN -

Saturday 24th October - 10.00 am till 4.00 pm - ‘Hardanger Heart’

Your local specialist in UPVC for:- Windows, Doors, Patio Doors and

French Doors, Conservatories Fascia, Soffit and Guttering

Our windows and doors are 70mm internally glazed for security. All windows are fitted with fire hinges, locking handles, a twin action espagnolette mushroom headed bolt system, and with vent facility. Doors are fitted with claw and mortice lock, and panels are reinforced. Fully compliant with current FENSA Regulations, plus insurance backed guarantee.

ARAGON WINDOWSARAGON WINDOWS

CHRIS FREEMAN Tel/Fax 01525 403992

50 Russell Drive Ampthill Beds Established in 1990 and built on reputation

WHITEHARTAMPTHILL.CO.UK 10 FANTASTIC EN SUITE DOUBLE ROOMS

SUNDAY ROAST SERVED FROM 12.00 - 6.00 pm BAR & TAPAS MENU served all day every day

NEW THAI RESTAURANT OPENING SOON - Please ask for details

Tel: 01525 406863

DROVERS ARMS of STEPPINGLEY Fine Indian cuisine but at

an ordinary price!

Take away service collection only

Tel: 01525 715697 www.droversarms.eu

Hello again everybody and as always a great big welcome to this latest jam packed edition of your Fuddler!You’ll find all the usual fun and nonsense inside with all your favourites and lots of important messages from our advertisers showing yet

again - ‘Whatever you’re looking for - you’ll find it in The Fuddler!’ (Don’t forget we’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com) We hope you enjoy this issue and if you decide that you would like to advertise with us all our contact details are on page 4.


CHINESE and PEKING CUISINE

111, Dunstable Street, Ampthill Telephone: 01525 840096

Eddie has recently changed to a new menu and he asked his customers to try it … … after that they walked out because

the food was too much for them.

So Eddie tried to make it amicable and promised them that if they found

themselves another restaurant he said he will give them a character reference.

33, RUSSELL DRIVE AMPTHILL

With Winter just around the corner, isn’t it time you considered replacing those doors and windows? Or maybe a new conservatory to enjoy. Don’t compromise on style - call into our showroom and see our stunning range of doors and windows including “The Composite Door”.

No window or glazing job too small.


Great news!! Friday 6th November sees the very welcome return of the Ampthill Firework Display! Held at Ampthill Park in Woburn Street, the display is organised by Ampthill & District Lions (in co-operation with Ampthill Town Council and Bedfordshire Police) and promises to be a glorious family event. The gates open at 5.30 pm with the display scheduled to commence at 7.30 pm. Hot food and drinks will be available plus a fun fair and ‘glow in the dark’ novelties. There will be plenty of free parking at Ampthill Rugby Club and also at Queensmans Football Club. Tickets cost £5.00 for adults, £3.00 for children under 12 or a family ticket at £10.00. (2 Adults and 2 children.) Advance tickets are available from Cheesemans Chemist in Church Street Ampthill. Proceeds from the event will go to support Lions local and International community projects and Ampthill Town Mayor’s charities. Do go along if you can and support the return of this spectacular event! More details at www.amptilllions.btik.com

Saturday 14th November sees an evening of Clairvoyance at Maulden Village Hall. The visiting Medium is Chantel Coopland and proceeds from the evening will go to Keech Cottage Hospice for Children. We understand that refreshments will be available on the night and that tickets cost £7.00 at the door on the night. For all the details please contact Barrie on 01234 308357.

Saturday 24th October sees the 2nd Annual Wartime Dance at Parkside Hall in Ampthill, with music from the era. Starting at 7.00 for 7.30 until late, the evening features ‘Kas - The Forces Sweetheart’ Ampthill Town Band, and Paul Roberts and the Swingers! Tickets are priced at £20.00 which includes Spam fritters, mushy peas and chips served up in a newspaper just as it was! (Courtesy Flitwick Fisheries). There is also a massive cold buffet where you can eat as much as you wish! Licensed bar, real ale, raffle and prize for best fancy dress (Period dress optional, but appreciated) with all proceeds to local charities. For more information or to book your ticket please contact 07876 470503

Quality assured workmanship with a personal friendly service. Customer references available on request. Competitive rates and full insurance.

For a free no obligation quotation contact Steve Innes Mobile: 07712 238182 Telephone: 01234 750942

Bathroom suites supplied and fitted Fit only service available Plumbing Electrics

Plastering & Artexing Joinery Floor Tiling Wall Tiling Painting & Decorating

ROSELAND BATHROOMS The Complete Bathroom Solution

From design through to complete installation

For the treatment of nails, corns and calluses etc

Susan Mobsby MSSCh MBChA

Qualified chiropodist (15 years’ experience)

Telephone: 01525 631470

5 Chestnut Close, Ampthill, Bedford MK45 2PU

Registered member of The British Chiropody Association

and The Health Professions Council

Sharman LawS O L I C I T O R SIncorporating Sharman & Trethewy

The Solicitors who care for you,your family and your business

1 Harpur Street, BedfordTelephone: 01234 30 30 30

Email: [email protected]: www.SharmanLaw.co.uk

88 Dunstable Street, AmpthillTelephone: 01525 750 750


“The Fuddler” i s p u b l i s hed by MDA Publications and printed by Fidelity Print Solutions. The views expressed herein are not necessarily those of the publisher. No part of this publication may be copied in any form or by any means without written permission of the Publisher. Copyright MDA Publications. Like to book an ad, or ask about our absurdly low rates please ring Martin on

Across: 1 Café, 3 Hardship, 9 Spanner, 10 Sages, 11 Incompatible, 13 Occult, 15 Finder, 17 Playing-Field, 20 Irene, 21 Prepare, 22 Long-Term, 23 West

Down: 1 Cast Iron, 2 Franc, 4 Airman, 5 Dissatisfied, 6 Haggled, 7 P a s s , 8 Unemployment, 12 Gradient, 14 Colleen, 16 Sniper, 18 Erase, 19 Bill

LORD DEE’S PONDERINGS

I was reminiscing the other day with Check-It-Out and Duster about the good old days in London. I had come across an old London Guide book with quite glorious reviews of shops restaurants etc. To give an example of

a shop in SW1: ‘If you want to buy her

something for the house, you could go into this shop

blindfold and still come out with the perfect gift’ I wonder if its still there.

Ciao

A BRIANISM When considering

what is the best technological advance in the last 50 years, my

money is on the soft toilet roll.

New Look! New Fireplaces!

New Stove Displays! Same Excellent

Service!

Don’t just take our word for it - call in

and see!

Mon - Fri 10.00 - 5.00 Sat 10.00 - 4.00

1 Woburn Street Ampthill, Beds

MK45 2HP Tel: 01525 841199

www.ampthillfireplaces.co.uk

MANOR BUILD & DECORATE • Kitchen Refits • Bathroom Refits • Plastering • Decorating

• Tiling • Fencing • Carpentry • Electrics • Plumbing • Competitive Estimates

• Honest, Reliable, 25 yrs experience • Small jobs and Insurance work welcome

01525 403 237 / 07857 896 997

Diamond TilingAll aspects of wall and floor tiling undertaken,

specialising in Victorian flooring.Professional and reliable, established for 15 years

Telephone Rich on 01582 600377 Or 07770 634156


OFFICE SUPPLIES -WHY TRAVEL FAR AND PAY MORE?

If you are looking for office supplies - look no further than Businesspoint in Flitwick - your local supplier for all your office needs. Excellent value and service is our reputation.

We have a stock list of over 22,000 items so whatever you require, if it is not in stock you have it next day - guaranteed!

We are also pleased to offer FREE DELIVERY to Business accounts - please ask us for details.

t: 01525 633336 f: 01525 634444

Unit 1, 101 Ampthill Road Flitwick Bedfordshire MK45 1BE

www.businesspoint.uk.com email: [email protected]

HOW TO FIND US As you turn into the

forecourt of the 101 filling station at Flitwick, we are

just on the left directly opposite the car wash.

Specialists inink cartridges,toner cartridgesand all computerconsumables


It’s Marjorie’s turn again after last month’s cryptic crossword from Tarquin. And thanks again for sending it in!

Avuncular

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

8 9

10 11 12

13 14

15 16 17 18 19

20 21

22 23 24 25

26 27

28 29

U

N

U

A

R L

AC

V

Sandra’s been busy again looking through her big book of words (dictionary?) and brings us the word below. (Nothing to do with the crossword.) Just look at the hexagon and see whether or not the word jumps out at you! (Answer at the bottom of the page if it doesn’t!)

Across: 1 Heals (5) 4 Worry (7) 8 Fried batter (7) 9 Is missing (5) 10 Turn away (5) 11 Regale (7) 13 Gaelic (4) 15 Disposition (6) 17 Appear (6) 20 Whirlpool (4) 22 Animosity (7) 24 Smart (5) 26 Object (5) 27 Repeat (7) 28 Sanitation (7) 29 Crop (5)

Down: 1 Team leader (7) 2 Wash (5) 3 Smash (7) 4 Dissertation (6) 5 Greased (5) 6 Small shield (7) 7 Arise (5) 12 Require (4) 14 Stench (4) 16 Sampling (7) 18 Enigma (7) 19 Expert (7) 21 Choose (6) 22 Channel (5) 23 Fireplace (5) 25 Fuming (5)

K.A.L.

BUILDERS EXTENSIONS ALTERATIONS BLOCK PAVING

GARAGE CONVERSIONS GARAGES

GROUND WORK

For all your building requirements call 01525 635576 / 07850 719411

Garage Door Solutions LtdYour local garage door expert for:

Replacements, Repairs and Spares

All makes & designs available 24 Hour repair service No call out charge All work guaranteed Free quotations

Call us now on: 01525 721615 / 07761 093468

Website: www.garagedoorsolutionsltd.co.uk Or see the yellow pages

3, Woodcock Walk, Flitwick, Bedfordshire, MK 45 1RD

All Domestic Electrical work undertaken from Electric cooker installations to complete re-wires.

For a free quote contact MEMM Electrical.

(Part P registered and 17th edition compliant)


FORDFIELD ROAD, MILLBROOK, BEDFORD MK45 2HZ

07771 585756

STAPLES GARDEN CENTRE

We are pleased to announce that our ‘Fast and Fabulous’ completely refurbished kitchen is now open and we invite you to take advantage of our

‘Fast and Fabulous’ meal deals!

ALL DAY BREAKFAST (from the board) - BUY 1 GET SECOND HALF PRICE!!

ANY SPECIAL (from the board) -

BUY 1 GET SECOND HALF PRICE!!

TEA OR REGULAR COFFEE FREE WITH ANY CAKE!!

Offers last throughout October at


Tempus fugit - however with the garden now all tidy there is time to sit and sip and read the latest show reviews in the local paper. Um, interesting thought Meerkat as she reads the review on of the local operatic society’s rendering of ‘The Mikado’ “…………..don’t forget to bring along the hankies, tears will be flowing with the societies version of the scene where Yum Yum, who is to marry Nanki-Poo, discovers that he is to be beheaded that very month! There may well be a lump in the throat when Nanki-Poo in an effort to make Yum Yum feel better, explains that if they call each hour a day, and each

day a year, they could cram nearly thirty years into the time they have left to them. However, fantasy is short lived, as time itself and all you operatic fans will be bought back firmly into the realms of reality when Yum Yum delivers her sarcastic reply of, ‘Yes – how time flies when one is thoroughly enjoying oneself.’ As the tale continues to unfold the incredible voices of the singers reflects……………”Meerkat finishes the review. It bought back memories a ‘funny’ relating to that very saying she had read in The Times in October 1985; …. “I go home and look for the invoice. Find it. It was not three months ago but ten months…..doesn’t time fly

when your car is falling to bits” She could not remember any more about the article. But it made her smile. Tempus fugit has now reached the point of no return and as summer melts into autumn it is time for Meerkat to button down the hatch for the winter. With that, she retreats with a wonderful book she had found tucked away in the back of the cupboard – by the size of the book it will take her to March to get through it. She opens and begins to read “It was a very cold and snowy Sunday morning when Benedictus, the church cat……….” (reference to the phrase used “A Word in your Shell- like” by Nigel Rees)

With Geoffrey THE Golfer After a particularly bad round of golf, Jerome decided to go straight home. As he was walking to get his 4 x 4, a policeman stopped him and asked, ‘Did you tee off on the 17th hole about twenty minutes ago?' ‘Yes’, answered Jerome. ‘Did you happen to slice your ball so that it went over the trees and completely off the golf course?’ ‘Yes, I did. How did you know?’ asked Jerome. ‘Well’, said the policeman sternly, ‘Your golf ball flew out onto the main road and crashed through the windscreen of a BMW. The car driver lost control and crashed into six other cars and a fire engine. The fire engine was unable to reach the fire in time and the building burned down. Now, what do you intend to do about it?’ Jerome thought it over very carefully and responded, ‘I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and l o w e r m y r i g h t t h u m b . ’ GTG

WE HAVE PARKING AVAILABLE WITH EASY ACCESS TO THE STATION FOR A NOMINAL FEE OF £40.00 PER MONTH

Thursday evenings is Quiz Nite - please come along - £1.00 per person - cash prize for the winning team.

Friday October 19th - 8.30 till late Fun band CRAZY 88’s swing, rock and roll and lots more

Members free - Guests £2.50 Ampthill and Ladies Darts are looking for new players please contact Lina on

077795 025228

The Flitwick Club20 High Street, Flitwick, Beds Tel: 01525 751555


Email: [email protected] RAC Authorised

Telephone: 01525 292 539

for all makes of Cars, 4X4’s and Motorcycles

Car & Motorcycle Onestop Centre MOTs Servicing, Repairs

Tyres, Exhausts, Accessories

Eclipse Eclipse Eclipse Onestop Onestop

The Garage George Street WoburnMK17 9PY left of PURE TRIUMPH

Website: www.eclipseonestop.com

CUSTOMERCOLLECTION

&DELIVERY

LOCAL AREA

NEW TO WNEW TO WOOBURNBURN


By Julio Van Peebles 1) Why do boy racers get out of their cars with head bowed, looking really gloomy and then activate the central locking as if it is some kind of state of the art accessory? 2) Where do slugs go during the day? 3) Why do you never see a fly trying to get in? 4) What does Spick and Span really mean? 5) Has anyone ever been 'glued' to the TV set? Julio's Top Tip: Place your recycle wheelie bin by your front door so people delivering flyers, leaflets or takeaway menus can simply drop them straight in and save you the bother of a job!

Welcome home Berta and a HUGE Ampthill welcome to Cheryl!

With Jimmy The Voice This month ‘The Voice’ has sent us a really unusual picture! Is it a man playing guitar on a roof top with an admiring audience?

Or is it really just row upon row of houses? You decide - JTV cannot!

October 6th 1984 We said

"I do" and "I will" We did, we have and

we still do. More Laughs than Tears

These past 25 years For you Di

From I still loving you

like never before XXX

Happy 3rd Birthday HeatherRoo

Lots of love, Mummy,Justin, Granni,

Jen, Hannah and Charlie xxx

SKIP and HELEN welcome you to the

OSSORY ARMS 9 Arthur Street, Ampthill 01525 841508

www.ossoryarms.co.uk

CHOICE OF REAL ALESIPA AND ABBOT

NEW GUEST ALE EVERY MONTH

OPEN ALL DAY - EVERY DAY FOOD SERVED DAILY 12.00 till 2.30 pm

OUT NOW NEW WINTER MENUSAT/SUN BREAKFAST SERVED FROM 10 30 am

FREE POOL EVERY SUNDAY AND MONDAY

NIGHT FROM 6.OO PM TILL CLOSE

ALL MAJOR SPORTING EVENTS SHOWN

WATCH OUT FOR DETAILS OF CHRISTMAS AND NEW YEAR EVENTS

DISCOS FOR ALL OCCASIONS For The Very Best Disco Around

All The Latest Chart Sounds Great Giveaway Prizes

Receptions For ALL Occasions Very Competitive Prices

Tel: Micky or Joolz on 01525 211670


Last year Babs replaced all the windows in her house with that expensive double-panel energy efficient kind, and today, she got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and she still hadn't paid for them. So she repeated sensibly what the sales person had told her: ‘ It’s been a year, you said in one year these windows would pay for themselves!’ There was silence at the other of the line! For some reason he didn’t call back.

Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference. There is a great need for sarcasm font. Who care’s if you don’t like it - it’s going to happen. My friend’s husband is so silly that the only way she could get him to stop biting his nails is to make him wear shoes. I have just had a call from a Charity, asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving. I told them to forget it. Anybody who fits into my clothes is not starving!! People are like toes; the world is full of them, but there are only a few that you can count on. How on earth are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet? Don’t make plans. Be free. Plans are a straightjacket. Would The Flying Dachshund be an opera for dogs? More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves me. It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear to be stupid than to open it and remove all doubt. 1 Louise Jameson, 2 Deceit, 3

Hamlet, 4 Gulliver’s Travels, 5 Snake, 6 Touch, 7 Cards, 8 Seashell, 9 Tennessee USA, 10 Firework

1. Who played Dr Who’s assistant ‘Leela’?

2. What is the collective term for a group of Lapwings?

3. Where would you find ‘Horatio’? 4. ‘My Father had a small estate in

Nottinghamshire; I was the third of five sons’ is the opening line of which book?

5. What is a ‘Boomslang’? 6. I f y o u s u f f e r e d f r o m

‘Thixophobia’ what would you be afraid of?

7. A ‘Conquian’ is what sort of game?

8. What is a ‘Spindle Tibia’? 9. Where is the town called

‘Difficult’? 10.What is a ‘Petard’?

All central Bedfordshire areas covered Airport transfer specialists Competitive prices Corporate account works Passenger & parcel service School service 100% reliable service Professional service guaranteed 24 hours a day

WILSTEAD VILLAGE HALL COTTON END ROAD

WILSTEAD MK45 3BX

Available for hire during the day and evenings for children’s parties, family gatherings, tea

parties and club meetings.

If you need to hire the hall at short notice, please telephone the Booking Secretary to

confirm availability and full hire charges.

Contact Roisin Whittle, the Booking Secretary on 01234 740935 for availability

More details at www.wilstead.ik.com

Weekdays 8 am - 6 pm From £ 7.25 p/hour

Weekends 8 am - 6 pm From £10.30 p/hour

CHEESEMANS PHARMACY OF AMPTHILL Tel: 01525 402173

FREE PRESCRIPTION DELIVERY Can’t get to the chemist or surgery?

Don’t worry, we’ll pick up your prescription from your surgery and deliver your medication to your door.

Covering Ampthill, Clophill, Flitwick, Houghton Conquest, Maulden, Silsoe, Wilstead

& surrounding villages.

UK’SBEST SMALLCRUISE AGENCY2008

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CANCER (June 22-July 23) As we start the gentle trot towards the end of the year, it seems that all things are to take a turn for the better. Bide your time and wait and see.

LEO (July 24-August 23) Always an advantage to wear your heart on your sleeve in uncertain times. That way the people you care about know you care about them.

VIRGO (Aug 24-Sept 23) Remember the time when nothing could stop you achieving what you wanted? That time is here again. It is up to you to recognise it.

LIBRA (Sept 24-Oct 23) Is there a possible new opportunity on the horizon? It may be the very best thing that you have done, provided that you heed advice.

SCORPIO (Oct 24-Nov 22) The planetary aspects at this time indicate a huge change in the way that you are thinking. It may be best, though, to keep your cards face down.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23-Dec 22) There could be good fortune waiting for you towards the beginning of winter. You will have to make sure you recognise all opportunities.

CAPRICORN (Dec 23-Jan 20) After a very uncertain time you seem to be headed towards a greater stability in your life. Think carefully before you commit yourself.

AQUARIUS (Jan 21-Feb 19) Your stubborn side rears its head again! Look towards others for a better understanding of what is going on around you - then listen.

PISCES (Feb 20-March 20) The most difficult thing sometimes is to listen to advice and accept it, rather than go blindly on. Perhaps you have reached the time to listen.

ARIES (March 21-April 20) Big changes may be afoot for you in the coming months but all should be for the best. Stick with what you want to achieve and all will be well.

TAURUS (April 21-May 21) There’s not much left of the year to complete the project that somewhere inside you have wanted to complete. It may be time just to go for it.

GEMINI (May 22-June 21) As we wave goodbye to Autumn, so you must bid farewell to that which has been unsettling you for quite a while. Then you can move on.

TRADITIONAL FREEHOUSE PUB AND RESTAURANT

Now open Monday nights for food plus homemade curry

BOOK EARLY FOR YOUR CHRISTMAS PARTY

2 Course £14.95 3 Course £18.95

View website for details!

The Green Man Church End

Eversholt MK17 9DU

Telephone – 01525 288111 Website www.greenmaneversholt.com

Quintessential Curtains

Traditional Handmade Curtains Bespoke Blinds

Pelmets

A professional and reliable service

Claire Short 01525 754753

[email protected]


…...On the 30th September 2009 the FREEVIEW Television Channels had a major move around in readiness for the Digital Switchover, that is sweeping the country. 2011 will be the switchover date for Bedford. This move around of channels meant that all FREEVIEW equipment had to be re-tuned to ensure that all channels were put into the correct position and to enable customers to receive channel 5. If you have been affected by this re-tune or you are unable to get all your channels use this link to help get yourself sorted out: www.freeview.co.uk/freeview/retune If you need any help with this issue, we have a team that will be able to help you. Just call the telephone number at the bottom of this column. As the Digital Switchover comes ever closer for Bedford and the surrounding area, many people will need to consider updating their Video Recorders so they can continue to record programmes. One good way of doing this is to purchase a PVR. ( Personal Video Recorder) Despite its name, a PVR is similar in size to a video/DVD recorder. This equipment is simple to use and you can record using your remote handset from an on screen guide. You can make one off recordings, or record a complete series at the touch of a button. Everything is recorded onto a Hard Disk, within the machine , so there is no need to buy tapes or discs. Technology is now moving forward so quickly nowadays that it is always beneficial to contact your local expert to keep up to date, so contact: Michael R Peters or Tavistock Sound & Vision 19-23 The

Broadway, Bedford. MK40 2TL. Tel: 01234 352107 or01234 356323 with any questions you may have. See their ad on the back page of this issue.

Registered Member of The British and Podiatry Association HPC Registration No. CH17913

THERESE GRAY FSSCh. Dip Pod Med. MBChA. Chiropodist Surgery

Telephone: 01525 841845 Email: [email protected]

Physiotherapy Sports & Spinal Clinic, 35A Russell Drive

Ampthill MK45 2TX Tel: 01525 841845

Gift vouchers available for Christmas

1st anniversary PARTY !!

Woburn Country Foods BUTCHERS & FARM SHOP

Wed 28th - Sat 31st OCTOBER To Celebrate the 1st Anniversary of our new Haynes West End site we are holding a week of farming fun with special offers on our local meat and farm shop goodies!

Farm Animals, Tractors & Machinery, ‘Best Banger’ Competition, Special Offers, BBQ,

Country Walks FREE Tastings Under Cover!!

West End Farm, London Lane Haynes West End, MK45 3RA(At the top of the hill!)

Tel:01234 740300 www.woburncountryfoods.com


Halloween will soon be here, The time for children all to fear Ghosts and goblins, witches too

All come out on this night for you. So come to Martins don’t delay

They have Halloween items on display. Masks, costumes, hats, face paints to name a few

To make Halloween a great night for you. And if you’re going out trick and treating we even sell

Things to put your sweets in. If you’re a grown up staying in at home

Don’t forget the treats, because the children will only moan. So the only one thing we would like you to do, Is pop in to Martins, we will be pleased to see you. Also instore we have a great new range of sandwiches, with assorted fillings ideal for your lunch or just a snack. Hope to see you all soon. Martins The Newsagents, Church St, Ampthill 01525 404314

FARMERS MARKETS The Farmers Market in Woburn is held on the third Sunday of every month at The Pitchings, whilst Ampthill Farmers Market is held on the last Saturday of each month at their new home at the rear of The White Hart Hotel. Don’t forget The Charter Market in Ampthill every Thursday and Flitwick Market on Fridays!.

Planning an event? If you're hiring a hall for a special function and need a professional full bar service brought in, then look no further. We supply a fully manned and equipped bar

service for any special occasion. We do it all so you and your guests can simply relax

and have a good time.

Saturday 17th OctoberBRING ON THE PIES FOR THE 5TH AMPTHILL PIE & ALE FESTIVAL!

11.00 onwards - great pies to make and taste … plus a host of guest beers AND

we’re now in the Good Beer Guide!

Saturday 31st OctoberHallowe’en party - Fancy Dress welcome but not compulsory!

SUNDAY ROAST DINNERS NOW SERVED 1.00 pm - 3.00 pm

Plus …QUIZ NIGHT IS BACK EVERY

WEDNESDAY 9.00 ONWARDS!

Following the success of our first ‘Jamming Night’ - watch out for details

of the next one in November! (Musicians get ready!)

WHO ATE ALL THE PIES?!?! AMPTHILL PIE FESTIVAL,

SATURDAY 17 OCTOBER 2009 We hold all the equipment you will need to ensure your successful entry into the pie contest – pie dishes, pie funnels, pastry blenders, pastry brushes

FUTURE TASTING EVENINGS WEDNESDAY 11 & FRIDAY 13 NOVEMBER 2009, 19.00-21.00

The August round were such a storming success, we’re holding some more! Tickets are available from the shop

priced at £10 each!

Still open Sundays 11.00-17.00! Monday to Saturday 9.00 - 17.30

4b Bedford Street, Ampthill

Tel: 01525 402023


20th October 2009Bedford Hearing Practice

• Hearing Technology Demonstrations at BedfordHearing Practice

• 10am – 5pm

• Speak with Stephen Beale, Hearing Aid Audiologist,about all your hearing queries

• Learn how the latest hearing technology can changeyour life

• Trial the very latest in hearing aid technology

• Live demonstrations on Bluetooth and wirelessconnectivity

• Speak with a representative from one of theworld’s leading hearing instrumentmanufacturers – Phonak UK

• Refreshments available for all visitors

• Please phone to book an appointment as placesare limited.

Bedfordshire Hearing Healthcare52 Harpur Street, Bedford,MK40 2QTTel: 01234 348144www.bedfordhearing.co.uk

Both days will be relaxed, informal and open to all,so you can bring your friends and family if they'd liketo know more too.

Call Now: 01234 348144

Bedfordshire Hearing Healthcare invites you to our

Exclusive Open Days

As one of the UK's leading independent hearing carespecialists, Bedford Hearing is delighted to invitelocal people to two FREE Open Day events in October.You'll be able to learn more about the importance ofhearing awareness and hearing loss - and theremarkable solutions that are now available.

Established in Bedford for 34 years

19th October 2009Howard Room Hotel

• Hearing Awareness Seminars at theHoward Room, Corn Exchange

• 12pm, 2pm and 5pm

• Learn all about hearing & hearing loss

• Discover how your ears work and why loss occurs

• Learn how to protect your hearing and why it isimportant to do so

• Learn about the solutions available to you if yousuffer from a loss

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Next Saturday the 17th October sees the 5th annual Ampthill Pie Festival! Held at The Queens Head public house in Ampthill, the event attracts pies from all over the place including the famous Toddington Pie Makers who keep winning the trophies! However we understand that there will be serious challenges this year from Ampthillian’s finest - determined to win back the prestigious trophies! Pies arrive from 11.00 am at the pub and then there is the serious judging to take place

at 1.00 pm. Once judging is finished, customers are invited (for a small donation to Charity) to go ahead and taste the pies!Paul Duckett, Landlord of The Queens, also has a mini beer festival to coincide with the event so it’s beer & pies!!Later in the evening the almost Internationally world famous Paul ‘Honky Tonk’ Roberts will be addressing the musical side of things and all in all it should be a fun day to raise money for local charities!

The Compasses Greenfield

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Warm and friendly atmosphere

Traditional Pub Food Served Tuesday - Saturday

12 pm - 3 pm & 6 pm - 8.30 pm Sunday

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Excellent selection of cask ales

Halloween Party - Saturday 31st October Fireworks - Saturday 7th November

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With Gerard Boughtye

There’s a splendid new wine shop open in Ampthill called Cambridge Wine. Situated right opposite the Post Office, they carry a fantastic range of wines, spirits and beers. There’s case discounts to be had and if you just need to nip out to pick up a bottle of wine -

there’s no supermarket queue plus they are open later too! They also carry some very unusual bottled beers - some of which you may not have heard of! Whilst you are in there, ask about their wine and whisky tastings too. Cambridge Wine 01525 405929

If you are terribly lucky - you may be able to book an advertisement in next month’s issue!

Please ring Martin on 01525 841434 to check on availability!

Dunstable Street Ampthill Tel: 01525 403319

email: [email protected]

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Several of our readers have asked us to repeat this fabulous quick and easy recipe:

TIPSY CHICKENFor two people: Firstly pop in to your butcher and buy 2 skinless chicken breast fillets, 2 slices of ham and some regular cheddar cheese. Then you also require: 1 bottle of cheap cider Dried herbs Salt & pepper Now, you can pour yourself a crafty glass of cider(!) and pour the remainder into a saucepan. Add a sprinkling of salt and pepper and a good shake of dried herbs.

Bring the cider to the boil and once bubbling add the chicken breasts and turn the heat down to gently simmer. Meanwhile grate the cheese and remove any fat from ham. After 15 minutes or so check that the chicken is cooked through and remove from saucepan and place on warm plate. Take each piece of chicken and wrap the ham around then place in a small bowl. Cascade your grated cheese over the top and grill until the cheese is golden brown. Serve at once with vegetables of your choice.

As it’s Halloween soon we thought you would like this c r e e p i e r p h o t o g r a p h showing what chefs get up to when they just haven’t got enough to do!

Welcome Auntie Jen and Happy Birthday

for the 5th Lots of love Roo,

O and Katy, Justin and Hester too xxx

Now this is fun! They only messed me up a tiny fraction because you probably won’t know me anyway! I am an American actress in a not terribly well known series on the television. But I like it!! The answer is at the foot of the page.

Abigail Spencer from Angela’s Eyes

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On 4th June 2009 a youth counselling service has opened in Ampthill. The counselling service will be available to all young people 11-25 years old, that live in Ampthill, Flitwick and surrounding villages. The service is FREE and they will be able to self refer. They are also working alongside the GP surgeries in Ampthill and Flitwick who will also refer. Currently young people have to access counselling in Bedford, Milton Keynes or Luton. The aim of counselling is to provide you with an opportunity to explore and clarify ways of living more satisfactorily. It is a process which helps you examine personal problems and unlock hidden feelings that may have been hidden for some time…and make progress. The process takes place in a relaxed, safe and confidential setting, allowing you the time to talk to someone, who will neither judge nor advise you, but will assist you in setting goals and working towards them. If you would like an appointment please call. 07544 908509 Email: [email protected] COUNSELLING FOR THE YOUTHS OF TODAY – THE ADULTS OF TOMORROW

Tyres & Exhausts 66 Bedford Street, Ampthill, Bedfordshire, MK45 2NB

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With the price of car-parking, tax and petrol, the ideal vehicle for commuting is a scooter; a years’ tax on a scooter is only £15. Very cheap to insure. At Most rail stations parking for a scooter is free (£6.20 a day for a car), coupled by the fact that you can actually park. The other obvious advantage is that you can get circa 100 miles to a gallon.

You can ride a 50 cc at age 16, or if you have a full car licence, just twist and go, no test or ‘L’ plates required.*

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by Mustafa Singh Mustafa has responded to the challenge from Edith and created the following composed entirely of song titles! …. "Come on Eileen - Move it - There's a ghost in my house - Can you feel it?" - "It's impossible" - "Why?" - "Dunno what it is - D'you know what I mean" - "Get back - It's too late - It's over - I think we're alone now - It's oh so quiet - It's all right now - Don't worry" - "What a crazy world we're living in - What's it all about" Splendid stuff again! And many thanks. So now it’s back to Edith! Let’s see what gems she comes up with next time!

Congratulations Suzanne on becoming

one of ‘us’ on 22nd October!

1st November STEPH

Happy Birthday Squiffy - my Child Bride

From your Slipper xx

CIU Affiliated 37 Church Street Ampthill Beds

FRIDAY 30th OCTOBERHE’S HERE!

‘MELVIS’60’S MUSIC AND ELVIS TRIBUTE

Be on time - starts at 9 pm

SATURDAY 31st OCTOBER HALLOWEEN

KARAOKEAt the Wingfield Club

(Probably Ampthill’s most haunted building)FANCY DRESS OPTIONAL - PRIZES

We expookt you on time - starts at 9 pm

SATURDAY 28th NOVEMBER - DO NOT MISS! The charm, talent, professionalism and smooth vocals of

PHIL HOBBIS ‘A man who loves to sing and does so in tremendous style’ The Stage Newspaper

A pleasant and safe family environment Drinks at everyday low prices (Help beat the credit crunch)

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Tel: 01525 404069 or Mob: 07973 971 209


Episode 40000010 ‘Have you noticed any strange behaviour among folks living in this area?’ I proceeded and his answer was obvious for a such an open question. ‘All the t i m e , ’ h e r e p l i e d unsurpr i s ingly. ‘Who behaves in the most unusual way?’ I followed on. ‘Well,’ he paused to think, ‘There’s

a l i t t le chi l l i -eating computer whizz, there’s the postman, Pat, he’s called, then there’s the two guys down there,’ he pointed ‘and the editor of the local paper who lives round there, and the school caretaker and the council bloke and the archaeologist, Adam, and … I stopped him in his stride, ‘Enough!’

To be continued

By Michael McSpleen

By Sultan Sheik

1) MERE......................…..I have just arrived

2) MAPPY.....................….I am very cheerful

3) SURTING.................….I am in pain

4) VETTUM.......................All the snacks have gone

5) FRITT........................….I am very apprehensive about the situation

6) SNEER......................….It is very close

I know how much Cockneys pay for their

shampoo - ‘Pantene’

A woman got home, screeched her car into the driveway, ran into the house, slammed the door and shouted to her husband at the top of her

lungs,... "Pack your bags. I just won the lottery!" The husband said, "Oh my Goodness! What should I pack, beach stuff

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The Bathtub Test During a visit to the asylum, a visitor asked the Director how you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalised. 'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.' 'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.' 'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'

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With Lauren Louella Boughalls I am sure you are all dying to know the answer to last month’s picture challenge. It was, as many of you guessed, taken of St Andrew’s Church in Ampthill. The wasp’s nest is still there as far as I know. This month’s photo challenge was taken as I cycled through a local village with my very good friend Algi (short for Alginon) on a beautiful September afternoon . This wonderful old bus stop sign was hiding in the holly But where was this picture taken?

Answers by email to [email protected] or on a postcard to The Fuddler, PO Box 756 Ampthill Bedford MK45 2WZ Answer next month!

P J Dennis Plumbing & Heating Services Ltd

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BILLY TEA South West Australia Spring 1974 After we had finally cleared the site of the previous log camp, we had to get all the stuff back to Yarloop, this involved several trips but the main one was recovery of the D8 Bulldozer that we used. On the morning we were to collect the D8 we rose early and just before setting off Bill asked the Hotel landlord for an empty can, a large one, the sort of thing you get tinned peaches in. Bill punched a couple of holes in the side just below the open rim and fitted a loop of 16 gauge galvanized wire through the holes to form a handle. This was my first experience of a Billy Can! We set off for the rendezvous

where and got the D8 Dozer to a point where the low loader could meet us, it was not exiting in anyway but for me it was so remote, I could not believe that they would even find us. While we waited, Bill made me build a small fire and boil some water in the Billy, when this was done he threw a small handful of tea into the billy and asked me to whirl the billy can round as if I was a windmill! I had long since realised that you do as you’re told with Bill and performed the duty, the result was all the tea leaves settled in the bottom of the Billy can and we had a GREAT mug of tea. The down side of this was my first (of many) encounter with a bull ant these fellows are

nearly an inch long and 20% of that is JAWS. The Aborigines, (my favourite people) use these creatures to suture wounds; if the have a bad cut they get a Bull Ant to bite the wound and then remove the body from the head, the jaws remain locked into the flesh while the wound heals, eventually the jaws fall off. The pain of a Bull Ant bite is excruciating but maybe better than a nasty cut, it may even be that the venom helps to prevent infection, it would not surprise me. One of the fellows bit me while whirling the billy Bill did laugh! Prof Reginald V Q da Ghama IPA With kind permission of Jim Barr

One night in Trivial Pursuit, I was asked, who played the name role in Klute, Without pausing to ponder, I called out " Jane Fonda" but it wasn't, it was Donald Sutherland.

Courtesy Ruby Thanks again to Ruby for this month’s word from her wonderful collection of words and their definitions: So Ruby’s word of the month for October is ‘Axiomatic’. Do you know the meaning? The answer is at the foot of the page.

Self-evident

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The reader will no doubt recall last edition’s account of the aged ex-landlord and his young accomplice who visited the water together in order to enjoy a piscatorial experience. The veteran had taken the youth under his wing in order to pass on some of his considerable experience. As was mentioned before, according to Mr Crabtree, the keys to success were experience and kit. I will not bore the reader with a reminder of who met with the greater success but the ‘long-in-the-tooth’ ex-landlord subsequently picked up his rods and made two further visits, alone, to the water in order to ‘break his duck’. Now, this is the part I cannot understand; the elderly ex-landlord has experience aplenty but still his landing net remained dry and unused. Do you think I should lend him my rod?

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It’s well past Pimm’s o’clock …

in Arthur’s WorldW-O-O-S-H . . . . there it was gone ! ! Summer’s all over guys – whizzed past us all like a Jamaican sprinter strutting his stuff in Berlin. It was a funny old summer. Not too many “newsy” items around to raise even the slightest of giggles – well none worthy of this idiot column any way ! There wasn’t even a twitter in the run up to council elections which are generally good for a laugh. But then when it was all over and the chitys counted, all mayhem let loose. It really did seem like “pistols at dawn” stuff on the Ampthill Forum web site.

Some of those that didn’t make it to the Chicksands Car Park had a right old go at those that did – I wonder why ? It all got a bit boring after the Pimm’s Jug was stowed away for another year, along with the Factor 42 and those snazzy little two piece outfits that graced our sun loungers on many a sunny lazy afternoon. Then in comes October and along with it that old Pagan ritual of putting the clocks back (or is it forwards?) an hour. Can never understand the need for this any more. It totally messes me about. I still can’t get the hang of altering my “all singing – all dancing”gold wrist watch. I run around in the winter months an hour out of step with the rest of society, being late for appointments and

picking up overstay parking tickets left right and centre. I’m certainly not over keen on slipping out for my early evening pint in the dark. Just got to slip out sooner to catch the late afternoon light I supposeIt is however a massive plus for our very own Man in Black who I see has crept back into Fuddler Land. That extra hour of darkness certainly helps his cause as he steals his way unnoticed around the lanes of Ampthill, avoiding the pot holes whilst he measures up how much paint will be needed for all those double yellow lines the Council is talking about. I think I saw him the other very dark and eerie night – well it must have been him under that spiralling whiff of

Havana flavoured cigar smoke. That’s a dead giveaway when you want to tread your pathways strewn with danger, “incognito” so to speak. So what’s up next ? Well we’ve all got to get into some very serious training for Christmas for a start. The Pie Festival looks promising along with Honky and his Merry Men giving us a “Night to Remember” as well as the return of the Fireworks. Throw in the odd birthday or anniversary bash and a bit of “wetting the babies head” and we could just about survive the dark winter months. For me . . . I might just bring that Pimm’s jug out of storage, find myself a nice sun bed somewhere and mull over the fact that the best team lost the Ashes !!

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Thanks very much to everyone who sent us the continuation of our story and congratulations to Julia for receiving the ultimate accolade from Seymour and the chance to continue the tale! As you may know we invite readers to write the next couple of paragraphs (about 200 words) of the story to tell us what may have happened next! Our Arts correspondent Seymour Cox will read all entries and the winner will be published in next month’s Fuddler! So, over to you, but please keep it clean! Please email your entries to [email protected] and let’s see how the story unfolds! (If you missed the 1st and 2nd instalments you can read them on our website at www.thefuddler.com)

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO TOBY?Daniella didn't laugh. She felt wrong-footed and confused. As she took in more details of the man's appearance, all her senses were screaming that this was wrong, he was wrong and she shouldn't be here. Something about his eyes alarmed her, although quite why, she wasn't sure. But she couldn't leave, not without finding out what was up with Toby. She'd dashed here to meet him as per his instructions, which had arrived by email late last night. "I think we should meet. It's time. Tomorrow, first thing. Please say you'll come." She'd been surprised and delighted. At last! After all the months of writing and the occasional phone call, she was finally going to meet Toby! Now, staring back at the stranger before her, her eager compliance felt foolish and hasty. She took a step backwards but he lurched towards her and clumsily grabbed her wrist, causing the Belgian bun she was still clutching to tumble to the floor. At his touch, adrenalin coursed through her; Daniella was ready to kick him in the shins and run. Then she noticed that the man was holding onto her with his left hand. Hadn't Toby mentioned he was left-handed? The man spoke again, suddenly looking more desperate than dangerous. "I'm sorry..for the joke and grabbing hold of you like this. It's just..you can't leave, you have to stay and listen to what I have to tell you. Toby needs you to do something for him, and you have exactly nine minutes left..." So it’s now over to you!

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One of our golfing enthusiast readers thought we should share with everyone, these actual calls received at a public golf course!! Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice? Staff: You mean a driving range? Caller: No, that's not it…. Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: Yes, I'd like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12 o'clock and noon. Staff: Between 12 o'clock and noon? Caller: Yes. Staff: We'll try to squeeze you in. Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said they stole them from your driving range. Would you like to buy them back? Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o'clock? Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15. Caller: What's the next time after that? Staff: We have one at 10:22. Caller: We'll take that one. It will be a bit warmer. Staff: Golf course, may I help you? Caller: Do you have a dress code? Staff: Yes, we do. We require soft spikes. Caller: How about clothes? Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.

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Following last month’s article about the English language, a reader has been inspired to send us the following! And thanks very much!

Of tough and bough and cough and dough Others may stumble, but not you

On hiccough, thorough, laugh and through Well done! And now you wish, perhaps,

To know of less familiar traps. Beware of heard, a dreadful word

That looks like beard and sounds like bird, And dead, is said like bed not bead, For goodness sake don’t call it deed!

Watch out for meat and great and threat, (They rhyme with suite and straight and debt).

And here is not a match for there Nor dear and fear for bear and pear.

And then there’s rose and close and lose, Just look them up, and goose and choose, And cork and work, and card and ward,

And font and front, and word and sword, And do and go, and thwart and cart, And still I’ve hardly made a start. A dreadful language? Man alive!

We’ve mastered it before we’re five!

JOANNE AND JODY

Congratulations on the birth of Archie on 8th September.

Love the family

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We now bring you further observations from the wacky world of Montgolfier: You may remember last month’s question concerning this sign which stands in the driveway of a house in Oxfordshire. It is the size of a milestone with a metal hook at the top. What is it for? Answer: To tie mules to. I now find that without fail I always buy ready licked stamps. The difference between a plane and a helicopter is that the helicopter’s propeller is on the roof rack. ‘Waiter - there’s a dead fly in my coffee.’ ‘Oh yes, it’s the hot water that kills them.’ Did you know that Aston Martin got it’s name from Aston Clinton and Martin from the driver who did the tests in the Chilterns near Aston Clinton? I met an elderly lady with a nice basket of plums. I asked if she was going to do some jam making. She said ‘No I’m sending them to the Queen.’ I asked ‘Why?’ She replied ‘Because everyone keeps singing “Send her Victorias”.’ Living in the top corner of my vehicle windscreen is a spider. He’s just had a two week holiday in the Shetland islands. He has been to boot sales and garden centres etc. his latest all expenses paid trip was a ride all the way to Inverness and back via the Isle of Arran - Lucky lad. What does Montgolfier look like? I’m told by several people that I must have done the Privilege Insurance TV ad as the Rolls Royce Chauffeur.

TOTI EMUL ESTO


which I thought would be an appropriate introduction for my adventure with FG back in the 1980s. To walk across the North of England following the path of Hadrian’s Wall, 73 miles from Wallsend in Newcastle to Bowness on the Solway on Firth. When we decided to undertake this trek, no pun intended, both our friends and relations advised us that we were probably mad. My sister-in-law, FG’s missus, thought it would be a good bonding session, but I think deep down she probably thought we would probably end up killing each other. My interest in archaeology and history was my motivation and my brother was interested in walking old railway lines.

We had however never undertaken as much as even walking to our local public house together before this. Not only were we to brave the worst and best, of the Northumbrian and Cumbrian elements in late November but would also combine our two very distinctive and separate personalities with each others own intolerances and habits. We were going to stay in a series of B&B’s and Inns at night, but would spend about eight hours a day walking. It could well make the Roman and Ancient Britons infighting look like a kindergarten squabble over some ‘Lego Bricks’. We have relations in the North East and they thought we were foolhardy to attempt this trip at all, that alone at

this time of year. I had recently read a book published in 1956 by David Harrison called “Along Hadrian’s Wall” who recommended that if ‘one wanted to recapture the feel of what a Roman Legionnaire felt like when he was posted to a station along Rome’s most baron and notorious frontiers, then attempt the walk during the late autumn, winter or early spring’. Our attempt was also before the National Trust and English Heritage had completed a walker friendly pathway which now runs alongside most of the wall which Topbird and I walked a 13 mile stretch of a couple of years ago…. I’ve run out of space - continued next month!

Episode 14: ….. My Brother Part 2:

A Long Way AcrossSpace: the final frontier. These are the adventures of the Slade brothers, their five day mission to explore a strange new world, to seek out new life forms and civilisations, to boldly go where no right minded man should go.One of the few things that FG (my brother) and I did have in common, and they were few and far between, was our interest in classic sci-fi television series; Dr Who (John Pertwee & Tom Baker), Blake’s Seven, Time Tunnel (did they ever make it back home?) and Stark Trek. Hence the little tribute above

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The Fuddler October 2009

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Transcript of The Fuddler October 2009