The Fuddler April 2012

When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!

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Hi everyone and once again a huge welcome to another packed edition of your Fuddler! As always please don’t forget to look carefully at t hose a l l impor tan t me s s a g e s f r o m o u r advertisers because without a doubt ‘Whatever you are

looking for you’ll find it in The Fuddler!’ We hope you all enjoy the Easter holidays and we look forward to seeing you again next month. If you decide you would like to advertise with us, all of our contact details are on page four of each issue.

Call Alison on 07956 467352 4 Airedale Close, Flitwick, MK45 1FA

Daytime, Evening and Weekend appointments available

Bio Sculpture Gel Nails: Hands £22.00 Toes £17.00 Special offer - Book together

Hands & Toes £35.00 Rockstar Glitter Toes £20.00 Kooky Toes £20.00 Mini Pedicure £18.00

Spray Tanning: Full Body £20.00

Eye Treatments: Eyebrow shape £8.00 Eyebrow Tint £8.00Eyelash Tint £8.00

Waxing: Half leg £10.00 Under arm £ 6.00 Bikini £ 8.00 Lip £ 4.00

Get Ready for Summer with

Lush beauty

Prom Specials available call for details

LIDLINGTON CAR BOOT SALE

*****************

EVERY SUNDAY & BANK HOLIDAY MONDAYS APRIL TO SEPTEMBER

(weather permitting)

Starts Sunday 1st April

For details of times and prices visit our website www.lidlingtoncarboot.co.uk

01525 405598 rec. msg.

Darts, Pool & SnookerEquipment

Please turn toour ad

on page 1

TRY BEFORE YOU BUY(DARTS ONLY)

Don’t worry if you missed an issue - you can catch up at www.thefuddler.com

33, RUSSELL DRIVE AMPTHILL

With Spring just round the corner, isn’t it time you considered replacing those doors and windows? Or maybe a new conservatory to enjoy. Don’t compromise on style - call into our showroom and see our stunning range of doors and windows including “The Composite Door”.

No window or glazing job too small.

We are pleased to offer our special lunchtime menu in

addition to our newSpring restaurant menu.


Ampthill Town Band celebrates Queen Elizabeth’s Diamond Jubilee by commissioning ‘The Ampthill Suite’. This is new composition, by trumpet player and band member Joe Morris, reflects the landscapes, history and culture of Ampthill in a contemporary style. Written for Brass Band, the Suite comprises three movements, each linked to Ampthill’s heritage. The first movement, The Great Park, reflects the grandeur and diversity of Ampthill Park. The second, Aragon, celebrates the splendour and eventual tragedy of Ampthill’s connection with Katherine and the Spanish Court. Movement three, King’s Wood, portrays a jovial Henry VIII in happier times, ending the suite on a note of optimism. The premier performance, introduced and conducted by the Composer, takes place on Saturday April 21st, 2012 in the Methodist Church, Ampthill. Come along to join the band’s contribution to the Jubilee Celebration. Programmes on the door - £5, children free. Half of the proceedings will go to the Parkside Hall Fund.

You may recall that in our February issue we carried the story of Ampthill man, Bob Butcher , who was planning a charity trek to the Sahara Desert in Morocco. Bob has now completed the trip and returned to the UK. Bob says, “ It was the most exciting and memorable experience you can imagine. Four days in the desert , crossing both very rocky and sandy terrains , including some massive sand dunes up to 100 metres high all under a perfect blue sky and with temperatures up to 30 degrees C really brings it home to you how vast the Sahara is. And we only saw a very small part of it.” “There were thirteen trekkers in our group , a team leader and a Berber guide. Everyone was raising money for something, so the charities will have benefited by thousands of pounds overall.” “Thanks to the generosity of my family, friends, neighbours, the Committee and members of the Wingfield Club Ampthill, and work colleagues and associates, I have raised in excess of £2000 for Cancer Research UK” “I would like to thank everyone for their kind donations. If anyone would like to make a donation the just giving web page will be open for another week or so at www.justgiving.com/robert-butcher01004” Local lass undertakes charity parachute jump! See page 16 for more!

Be warned there are hills to climb!

Call Anna for further details 0777 1855 785

To Let AMPTHILL TOWN CENTRE LOCATION

A SUITE OF 2 SELF CONTAINED OFFICES WITH SHARED WELFARE

FACILITIES AND PRIVATE PARKING Convenient Town Centre location 422 sq feet N.I.A Rent £625.00 pcm inclusive of Rates and Utilities Private Parking Shared Kitchen and Welfare facility Gas Central Heating Please telephone 01525 403333 for further details or request to view

Our family tree research packages start at £60 andinclude a family tree chart, genealogical report andbirth and marriage certificates which authenticatethe research.

These Packages make a lovely unique gift forbirthdays and anniversaries.

Please visit our website at ancestryresearcher.co.ukor contact us by telephone on 07748012877/[email protected]

Family Tree Research Every family has a history let us find yours

Sharman LawS O L I C I T O R SIncorporating Sharman & Trethewy

The Solicitors who care for you,your family and your business

1 Harpur Street, BedfordTelephone: 01234 30 30 30

Email: [email protected]: www.SharmanLaw.co.uk

88 Dunstable Street, AmpthillTelephone: 01525 750 750


“The Fuddler” i s pub l i she d by MDA Publications and printed by Fidelity. The views expressed herein are not necessarily those of the publisher. No part of this publication may be copied in any form or by any means without written permission of the Publisher. Copyright MDA Publications.

Like to book an ad, or ask about our absurdly low rates please ring Martin on

Across: 1 Aptly, 4 Keeps, 10 Panacea, 11 Dhoti, 12 Otter, 13 Giraffe, 15 Need, 17 Sheer, 19 Ochre, 22 Oslo, 25 Fairest, 27 Lapse, 29 Odour, 30 Cruised, 31 Aster, 32 Heist

Down: 2 Pinot, 3 Lucerne, 5 Elder, 6 Proffer, 7 Spoof, 8 Cadge, 9 Sited, 14 Idol, 16 Eros, 18 Heinous, 20 Collude, 21 Afoot, 23 Stuck, 24 Seedy, 26 Eyrie, 28 Poses

1, Bedford Street, Ampthill, Beds

Tel: 01525 841199 www.ampthillfireplaces.co.uk

Mon - Fri: 10am - 5pm Sat: 10am - 4pm

An even bigger and better Ampthill Fireplaces!

Call in today to view the extensive range of stoves and fireplaces, now including the UK's finest range

of woodburning stoves from Clearview

01525 404334

ALL BRICKWORK AND REPAIRS

PLUS REPOINTING No job too small

Please ring Joe

LORD DEE’S PONDERINGS

I was fondly recounting the time when I had explained to the late great Check-It-Out

and my old mate Duster that smoking was futile

and therefore it was time to give it up.

The assembled company then asked what was the point

of having a smoking jacket.

Such impertinence. Ciao

A BRIANISM I left the tortoise on

the trampoline - it will keep him amused for a

fortnight.


AMPTHILL PLASTICS CELEBRATE THEIR 1ST YEAR IN AMPTHILL!!

Open to Trade and DIY

Mon-Fri 7.30-4.30 Sat 8-12 M 07957 435556 T 01525 888510

AMPTHILL PLASTICS Unit 20 Ampthill Business Park, Station Rd, Ampthill

TRADE ACCOUNTS WELCOME

SPECIAL OFFERS

FORAPRIL!

See below

WHY NOT CALL IN AND ASK ABOUT OUR SPECIAL SPRING OFFERS!

Support your local business

Stop blocked gutters and keep those gutters clean!Easy to fit - all colours available

from stock - or ask aboutour fitting service

PRODUCT & BUILDING ADVICE AVAILABLE With over 22 years

experience of building

NEW PRODUCT RANGE - Fascia, soffit,all gutteringand fixings

Tools & Fixings counter NOW OPEN!

Underground drainage Paving inspection chambers Sand, cement, plaster, tools,dust sheets, gloves etc.

Free local delivery CELEBRATING OUR 1ST

YEAR IN AMPTHILL! We would like to thank all our customers and welcome new customers into our 2nd year.


Here’s another of Marjorie’s fine crosswords for our entertainment

S

A

O

C

I T

R N

S

Sandra’s been busy again looking through her big book of words (dictionary?) and brings us the word below. (Nothing to do with the crossword.) Just look at the hexagon and see whether or not the word jumps out at you! (Answer at the bottom of the page if it doesn’t!)

Down: 1 Tenth of a dime (5) 2 Purify (6) 3 Small rings (8) 4 Lucidity (7) 5 Marmalade (7) 6 Fettle (9) 9 Viva Voce (4) 14 Mountebank (9) 16 Cogitate (8) 18 Assign (8) 19 Division (7) 21 Profanity (4) 23 Grade (6) 24 Disseminate (4)

Across:7 Incontrovertibly (9) 8 Besom (5) 10 Jeopardize (8) 11 Sojourn (6) 12 Forthwith (4) 13 Sanction (8) 15 Harbour (7) 17 Swathe (7) 20 London hill (8) 22 Extra (4) 25 Veneer (6) 26 Small children (4,4) 27 Tenet (5) 28 Endured (9)

Croissant

1 2 3 4 5 6

7 8

9

10 11

12 13

14

15 16 17 18

19

20 21 22 23

24

25 26

27 28

*Maintenance *Drainage *Driveways

*Landscaping *Fencing *Patios

Contact: Andi Brackenridge T: 07789 681252Email: [email protected]

Electrical Contractor Domestic and Industrial

Your local Electrical Contractor All types of testing and certification undertaken

FREE QUOTATIONS

NICEIC Approved Contractor

Working with Ampthill Town Council 11 Cedar Close, Ampthill, Bedford, MK45 2UD

Tel & Fax: 01525 714057

Painting and Decorating For all your interior and exterior

decorating requirements.

Professional, clean, reliable and friendly service.

Fully insured.

For a free competitive quotation please call 01525 404645 or Mobile 0774 7755943


BOSCH CLASSIC WASHING MACHINE

1200 spin speedfully reconditioned & guaranteed

German built qualityDelivered and installed to existing

pipe work FREEOld machine removed

£150.00

Lots of other machines in stock from £99.00

AlsoRepairs - servicing to

washing machines, tumbles dryers, dishwashers and

electric cookers

BILL JONES 07763 668 500


Benedictus of the ‘9Tails’..........

Time seemed an eternity in that cold store room and Benedictus began to wonder if he would ever find freedom again….he was hungry and afraid. Then, quite suddenly the opportunity of escape arose. The formidable gentleman entered the store room, the door slamming loudly behind him as he did so - obviously looking for something in ernest because papers from the shelves went flying every where as he searched. Benedictus seized the moment and positioned himself in the shadows by the door ready to whiz through once it was opened again. The formidable

gentleman must have found what he was looking for and swung open the door and left the r o o m … f o l l o w e d b y Benedictus. But disaster struck….in his haste Benedictus got his tail caught and as he went through the door he was not quick enough and it slammed trapping his back leg….the pain, oh the pain… Bennie let out a pitifully cry. On hearing this the formidable gentleman immediately turned round. Bennies heart sank….not only was he trapped but the formidable gentleman was coming towards him with a face like thunder. Benedictus closed his eyes and waited for the worst. But, to his surprise the formidable gentleman opened the door releasing Bennie’s leg. The formidable

gentleman bent down to pick him up. He held Bennie close to him and began to gently stroke him. Benedictus was confused. He slowly and bravely opened his eyes….to see the formidable gentleman smiling down at him …kindness written all over his face. Tucking Bennie under his arm the formidable gentleman trundled off into the kitchen where there was a roaring fire and carefully placed Benedictus down on the mat…. Many weeks passed and Bennie found happiness in the home of the formidable gentleman. His leg slowly got better and Bennie was able to show his talents in ‘mice hunting’ which always p leased the fo rmidab le gentleman. They became firm friends and this little cat changed the life of that

gentleman…for now he had something to care for…However, time does not stand still and Benedictus’s patience was about to be rewarded. One evening in the late autumn, the sky was clear save one lone star which seemed to sway very gently in the easterly breeze. Benedictus knew it was time to once again find the Golden Key. He looked round the kitchen his heart was heavy. He did not want to leave…but he knew he must. As he was let out for his nightly run by the formidable gentleman Benedictus paused once more to look up at that kindly face and he knew in that moment he would never see him again. He sped off into the night… and the unknown …. into time itself…

Copyright reserved

Specialists in all aspects of PLASTERING.Also a HANDYMAN SERVICE Available.

Please call Alan:01582 663307 ~ 07961 936561or email: [email protected]

Times to suit you. 1st assessment FREE -

45 mins lessons ALL AGES

For further information contact Guy on 07811 364 328

Skip and Helen welcome you to

OSSORY ARMS9 Arthur Street, Ampthill

www.ossoryarms.co.uk 01525 841188

FOOD SERVED ALL DAY ... EVERY DAY

Evening Special ALL MAIN MEALS

2 for £10.00

WEDNESDAY NIGHT IS CURRY NIGHT

THURSDAY NIGHTIS QUIZ NIGHT

7pmfrom 2pm

Sunday6th May

May Bank HolidayBBQ DISCO

Monday 4th

June

BBQ and Afternoon Street Party

JUBLIEE CELEBRATIONSLive music with OUR KEV

Disco + KaraokeSun 3rd June

Sat 2nd June


The Wingfield Club Limited 37 Church Street

Ampthill MK45 2PL

Office: 01525 841736 Open 09.00 to 12.30 Affiliated to the C.I.U.

Managed by the community for the community

Pop in this April 2012 and have a look, if you

like what you see fill in a membership form.

Its £10 annual fee plus £3 for C.I.U. card which

allows access to all C.I.U. clubs in England, Wales & Scotland. Ask at the

bar

Your membership allows you access to the CHEAPEST BAR in AMPTHILL Automatic invitation to all its social functions plus preferential rates for

hiring rooms

We’re across the road from St. Andrews Church with a large free car park for members and

their guests. We cater for Weddings, Birthdays,

Christenings and Wakes and support local charities with free

facilities.

Free WiFi

Look out for our add in the Fuddler for Beer Festivals and Wine tasting experiences Recognised by CAMRA for our cask ales

Free WiFi

From April We’ll have the SKY Ultimate Package

& For the 2012 – 2013

Football season Luton will be

premiered on our 5’ x 5’

Projector screen in HD

In our large lounge

FFi

Large Lounge Bar


This is very, very nice of him but we don’t think that this is a possibility! But, what do you think?

With Jimmy The Voice JTV has been very kind to everyone this month and left some Easter eggs out on the stairs ...

By Julio Van Peebles 1) Why don't we have Easter trees? 2) If a team of stalkers were to play football and one went for the ball, would they all go? 3) How can you be 'full of yourself ?' 4) Is the grass really greener on the other side? 5) Do people at NASA ever say "come on, it's not rocket science is it?"

Julio’s Top Tip: Never check the depth of the water with both feet !!

Happy Birthday ‘Hayleyweeney’ for

the 26th April!

Love from everyone!

Happy Birthday to Bob for 8th April

10th APRIL Happy 90th Birthday Mum

(Gwen Short) love from all the family xxx

Don’t forget Town Hall Antiques in Woburn. A wide variety of Antiques, the biggest stock of

Moorcroft around and always quirky things. If you’re looking to sell antiques speak to Elfyn

01525 290950. Market Place, Woburn, Beds. MK17 9PZ Open Every Day

email: [email protected]

Norman Mole A S S O C I A T E S

Tel/Fax: 01525 862121 Mobile: 07831 [email protected]

• Plans drawn for Home Extensions, New Build & Light Commercial

• Structural & Thermal Calculations

• Complete Service from Consultation, Design & Project Management

• Free initial Consultation to discuss your Proposed Project

A r c h i t e c t u r a l D e s i g n & B u i l d i n g C o n s u l t a n t s


Babs went to see her doctor as she had two bright red ears. The doctor asked what had happened . Babs explained that as she was ironing a shirt the telephone rang with a call asking if she had been involved in any accidents and did she want to claim compensation. Unfortunately instead of picking up the phone she accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to her ear. ‘Oh dear’ said the doctor, ‘But what happened to your other ear?’ ‘The wretch called back. But at least now I’ve got a c laim.’ repl ied Babs sensibly.

I absolutely, totally refuse to ask my phone to remind me to get some milk, or whether I have any appointments. My friend’s husband is so silly that he went to the pound shop and asked for a price list. When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate. All work and no play makes a normal day for a working mother. If you accidentally get a tan while working from home, report in sick and stay in bed till the tan’s gone. That was not a romantic clinch. Don’t you know anything about the Heimlich manoeuvre? Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk past again. Anti ageing creams are the triumph of hope over experience. On average a car driver will swear at least 32,000 times in their lifetime of driving. If you wish to retain privacy in a railway carriage, beckon to passers by from the window, Happiness comes through doors you didn’t know you left open. 1 Gardeners, 2 Fishing, 3

1240, 4 Glacier, 5 Snake, 6 Fur, 7 1962, 8 Essex, 9 Six, 10 Banneret

1. ‘Fiacre’ is the Patron Saint of whom?

2. In which sport would you find a ‘Waggler’?

3. In which year was the song ‘Summer Is Icumen In’ written?

4. Where would you find a ‘Lateral Moraine’?

5. A ‘Den’ is the collective noun for which creature?

6. If you suffered from ‘Doraphobia’ o f what would you be frightened?

7. Instant mashed potatoes were invented in which year?

8. Where in England is a place called ‘Maggots End’?

9. At what age was Mozart writing Minuets?

10.A Knight who led men into battle was called what?

POSITIONS VACANT2nd Chef Bar Staff

Flexible hours + excellent rates of pay Email your details to Louise on [email protected]

or call on 01525 288111

Suffering with Account Headaches?

Stupefied by Tax Returns?

Struggling with Tax Surcharges?

Speak to us for a Free Consultation

D.G.STORY & COMPANY SELF EMPLOYED TAX AND ACCOUNTS

07790 672699 [email protected]

AMPTHILLAmpthill Methodist Church,

Chandos Road Mondays 5.30pm and 7.30pm

Tuesday 9.15amYour consultant is Tammie

01525 841092

FLITWICKFlitwick Cricket Club,

Next to Flitvale Garden Centre Wednesdays 4pm, 5.45pm

and 7.30pmYour consultant is Diane

01234 741334


CANCER (June 22-July 23) It would appear that after the full moon you will be able to achieve a lot of things that you have been wanting to do for some time. LEO (July 24-August 23) After a sticky patch there is every indication that you are heading for good fortune. Keep thinking in a positive light VIRGO (Aug 24-Sept 23) Your planetary aspects seem to indicate that your love life is heading towards a particularly positive time. Happy times are indicated. LIBRA (Sept 24-Oct 23) Travel seems to be at the forefront of your mind just now. Perhaps you are planning to escape from it all or maybe just jetting off to enjoy things SCORPIO (Oct 24-Nov 22) With spring in the air will it mean good times ahead for you? The outlook seems confusing in the astral world, but there is one strong thread. SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23-Dec 22) And so you can if you wish. The only barriers that are there are self created. Think positive and al will ultimately be well. Go for it.

CAPRICORN (Dec 23-Jan 20) Finances are looking pretty good right now so why not enjoy your newly found good fortune and perhaps plan an exploration of travel. AQUARIUS (Jan 21-Feb 19) Now the apparent confusion in your life is drawing to a close you will be able to forge ahead with the plans that you have made. PISCES (Feb 20-March 20) When you are very busy it is easy to overlook the important things in life. Take care not to ignore good advice from friends and family. ARIES (March 21-April 20) The one thing that seems so near may actually be so far away. But if you trust your instincts you will probably find that all will turn out well. TAURUS (April 21-May 21) With your ever generous heart be careful not to let people take advantage of you. And in particular beware of accepting advice. GEMINI (May 22-June 21) Don’t be fooled by someone offering an over easy solution. Listen to your inner self and take your own counsel. Then all will be well.

The Green ManChurch EndEversholtMK17 9DU

Telephone – 01525 288111Website www.greenmaneversholt.com

BEER & SAUSAGE FESTIVAL

Bank Holiday WeekendSaturday 5th, Sunday 6th & Monday 7th May

Enjoy a Weekend of Real Ales & Ciders

10 different varieties of SausagesPig Roasts

Live Music on Saturday & Sunday evenings

Home made Italian Food Vegetarian Dishes Birthdays

www.donatellos.org 91, Dunstable Street Ampthill

Tel: (01525) 404666

Parties Special Occasions Seats up to 80 People

Homemade food served in a friendly and relaxed

atmosphere


EASTER 2012What a cracking time of the year, We hear the local children cheer, And as the children get egg-cited,

They can choose from our egg-cellent deals which have all been highlighted (blue and yellow stickers).

With Easter eggs from just a pound, A great eggs-ample of the great deals that can be found.

With chocolate chickens or are they hens, All free range of course, you know, not kept in pens.

Also Easter gifts out on display Eggs-citing ideas to make Easter a special day. I would also like to remind we have 3 Cadburys

crème eggs for just £1, Another good eggs-ample of the eggs-traordinary offers

that can be found. So now there’s no egg-cuse for you not to visit

You will find our offers quite egg-quisite. Oh and I would like to say to our meerkat friend, Who has been ill, so I hope you’re on the mend.

I’ve been reading your tales of when you’ve been out and about,

So watch out watch out there’s a meerkat about. (Meerkat’s musings page?)

Happy Easter FROM YOUR LOCAL NEWSAGENT

MARTINS 17 CHURCH STREET AMPTHILL 01525 404096

Dunstable Street Ampthill Tel: 01525 403319

email: [email protected] Engine & Tender - Bar

THURSDAY NIGHT IS ... ALE NIGHT

£2.50 a pint!

MAY DAY BBQ Join us Monday May 7th

Sunday 22nd April QUIZ NIGHT - Cash Prizes!

OPEN MIC NIGHT Thursday May 3rd

Please pop in for details

Superb Value Quality Food Served

Monday to Friday 12.00 - 2.00

Plus ... GREAT EVENING MENU Served Monday to Thursday 5.00 - 8.00

Choose from 10 dishes from an incredible £5.00 each!!

Please ring or pop in for more details

We are a family run business who have been working in the motor trade for over 40 years

Total Fleet Care Unit 5, Vass Industrial Estate,

Station Road, Ampthill, MK45 2RB

Telephone: 01525 405055 Mob: 07821 179619 / 07891 282689

Web: www.totalfleetcare.com

DISCOUNT MOTs IN AMPTHILL

Plus ... Servicing and repairs for all types of vehicles

Free local delivery and collection Bodyshop Tyres and exhausts Courtesy car available Discounts for Pensioners Vehicle recovery service


The Frog Racing Night is back by popular demand, raising money for Ampthill Festival. Those of you who

have been before will know what a great night it is …. and the frogs are just pretend! Those of you who enjoy a little flutter can bet on each race and/or buy a frog for just £1 (with a 1 in 8 chance of winning £5!) All will be explained on the night! Tickets are £7.50 which includes a light buffet and as there is no licensed bar please bring your own favourite tipple. **Those of you with local businesses have a great opportunity to promote your business on the night by sponsoring a race for £25 or a table for just £10.

The event is at Parkside Hall and starts at 7.30. To get your tickets please contact Belinda on 07880 734148 or Jill on 07840 932930 or just pop into the C o t t a g e B a k e r y o n Dunstable Street. If you would like to promote your business with sponsorship just give Belinda or Jill a ring. **Remember Festival Dates for your Diaries: AmpRocks Friday 29th June; Proms in the Park Saturday 30th June, Gala Day 1st July. We also have a very warm welcome for any volunteers who want to help with all or any of the above. Ring Jill Rose on 07840932930/[email protected] and keep checking our website: www.ampthillfestival.co.uk

36 Dunstable Street, Ampthill Telephone 01525 634857

Can you believe it -we're 2 years old

this April! A big thank you to everyone for your

ongoing support and for voting us South Beds CAMRA pub of the year 2012.

Russell & the team

TRY BEFORE YOU BUY(DARTS ONLY)

www.aspubsports.com

01525 862319Burgoine Business Center117 Clophill Road, Maulden, Bedford, MK45 2AE

Come visit our shop or buy online Opening times:

Mon - Fri: 9.00 - 17.00 Sat: 10.00 - 15.00

Special Offers:Free soft cue case worth £14.50

with any 50/50 cue.

Free unicorn dart leather walletworth £5.50 with any £50.00 purchase.

Free repointing service worth £5.00and dart points worth £0.40

with any £30.00 puchase on darts.

- Darts & Accessories- Pool / Snooker Cues & Equipment- Chess- Backgammon- Playing Cards- Dominoes- Cribbage


AMPTHILL OPEN GARDENS(part of the 2012 Ampthill Festival)

CALLING ALL AMPTHILL GARDENERS!

It’s not too late to join other Ampthill residents and open your garden on the afternoon of Sunday 24 June 2012. Now’s the time to get going on the garden - deadheading, dividing, seed sowing and generally tidying up. And, if you enjoy that, why not join us this summer, the third year of this event, and show off your garden to like-minded people? Gardens can be any size or shape, any style or design and you don’t have to worry about the odd weed! If you are willing to take the plunge – and it’s really not that daunting – please contact me, Angie Murdoch, on 01525 403076, or email me on [email protected] and I will be happy to give you more details.

On the 25th August this year, local lass Donna Elmore is taking part in a sponsored Skydive in aid of Macmillan Cancer Support in memory of her Dad Michael (Eddie) Elmore of Queens Road Ampthill. Donna’s target to be raised is £1,000 and all the money will go to Macmillan as she has funded the jump herself. As she says ‘I know times are hard at the moment but with CANCER now touching 1 in 3 people, this is a fantastic cause! To pledge anything you can afford, please go to www.justgiving.com/Donna-Elmore. Thank you for any support you can offer, it means a lot to me!’

T Butlin Building and Plastering Est 1987

www.timbutlinbuilders.co.uk

For your extensions, renovations, alterations, Upvc fascias / soffitts,

guttering, block paving and all plastering.

Tel: 01525 405670 / Mob: 07778 680393

Also offering:

Impressions Female decorators

All aspects of painting and decorating.

With female finesse to make the most of your home

Tel 01234 751282 or 01525 405670 / Mob: 07944 710179


MORE GHOSTLY GOINGS ON!

By Lissie In the wooded, romantic surroundings of Millbrook it was not surprising that tales of ghosts f lourished amongst the inhabitants. According to local legend, fairy gold was buried on Money pot Hill, south west of the village. On certain nights when the moon was full, those people seeking the treasure assembled in deathly silence. For it was believed that the slightest sound would warn the

fairies, who would remain hidden and fail to disclose the hiding place of their gold. One day long ago, the church windows began to glow with ghostly light which grew brighter and brighter until the brave people plucked up courage and climbed the hill to church to investigate the churches strange brilliance. No explanation was found and the villagers returned to their homes in the darkness of night with the mystery unsolved.

Lissie

With Archie Fairweather I decided it was time to get the old banger cleaned and my neighbour recommended the hand car wash in the High Street in Flitwick. I duly popped up to see them (they are just behind the van sales place) drove in and at least 6 jolly chaps whizzed up, blitzed the car, dried it, did a splendid job and the whole thing cost me a fiver!! Next time though, I’ll have the inside done as well as I didn’t have time on this occasion. Mrs F. is delighted and says she no longer feels embarrassed at being seen in such a filthy car!

I see that a recently opened shop is offering ‘25% off all piercings including skin divers’. Whilst it is admirable to see adventure sports enthusias ts not being discriminated against, one has to ask the question ‘Why would a skin diver want piercings as surely the holes would let the water in’. P.S. The over-the-hill ex-landlord is getting quite excited (could be dangerous at his age) about the rapidly improving weather conditions as this will enable him to pursue his piscatorial pleasures. The offer to borrow my rod still stands if he wishes to improve on last season’s rather disappointing results.

Happy Birthday to Peter for the 14th April, from your younger brother!

Happy 60th 50th Birthday to ‘Fenny’ for the 4th April!

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With Flora the Explorer Sometimes, air crew make an effort to make their in-flight announcements a bit more entertaining .... ‘Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.’ From the pilot during his welcome message: ‘We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately none of them are on this flight.’ An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a, ‘Thanks for flying XYZ airline.’ He said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had disembarked except for a little old lady walking with a cane. She said, ‘Sonny, did we land or were we shot down?’

Thanks for those Flora - please send us more!

Hello! I am an actress appearing in an unusual but very popular American cop show currently showing on your TV screens. But who do you think I am? Answer at the foot of the page.

Stana Katic - Castle

By Sultan Sheik

1) SEGG ........ What is that yellow stain on your shirt? 2) ANOOVA .... A vacuum cleaner 3) FEBRY .............The 2nd month of the year 4) DUNARFAKE ........ It's annoyingly painful 5) VERIAPI ....Really quite content in Italy

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After we showed you pictures of your Fuddler being read in Australia, we have been sent these delightful photographs! To the left is Jonathan Dart reading his copy on a pyramid in Mexico, and below Pat and John Neal in a bar in Sicily! Excellent! Thank you so much for sending them to us! Do you have a photo of someone reading their Fuddler somewhere overseas? Please send them to [email protected]

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I NEED A CO-DRIVER TO CROSS THE GIBSON

Alice Springs to Well 35 on the Canning Stock Route 1976 Day 5

It really did feel better on the way back. We knew the state of the track and we had not got lost. A serious point here, I had got lost on several occasions in the past when the map and reality did not agree, but my training, fairly basic, “Army outward bound”, always stressed one point. “trust your navigation aids”, e.g. Map and Compass! But as mentioned back in The Fuddler, November 2007, the combination of unreliable instruments and human frailty can let you down! ( I should point out that on the occasion mentioned in Nov 2007, the instrument, a compass, was not faulty, but iron ore in the ground was altering the apparent direction of magnetic north!). Anyway, when you get irrefutable proof that you are where you meant to be, it does aid confidence. I probably said this before, a quote from a 17th Century Dutch (or maybe Portuguese), navigator; “It is better to not know where you are, and KNOW you don’t know where you are, than to think you know where you are and be WRONG” I really love that, it is so true! I know it sounds a bit like AL Gores “There are things we know that we know we know…” But there is also a lot of truth in that if you actually think about it SO we had irrefutable proof that half way through our trip, we were where we thought we should be. What Gerry and I did NOT realise was that his wife Jan had, after 4 days of radio silence decided that we were at least broken down in a defunct vehicle with no form of communication and water running out fast, There are several alternative scenarios varying from painful injuries to being dead that could be crossing her mind. She had by this time booked a twin engine aircraft, (single engine would not have the range), to follow our planned route and look for evidence. Jan did not share her concerns with Jean who was happy to have me out from under her feet for a while! But we did try to get in touch by radio one last time, we stopped by one of the rare sights, a bit of high ground with a tree more than ten feet high, throw the aerial over it and started calling nearby cattle stations, now these stations are all over the place but probably not manned all the time and not closer than 50-100 miles, the idea was to get a message back to Alice by bouncing it from station to station. It seemed to work for a while but after a couple of bounces, we had a call from the Flying Doctor Service asking if this was an emergency? Well of course, for us this was not an emergency, so we said we are fine, hoping they would relay that onward. Using RT appropriate language which failed to mask a degree of intolerance, we were told to clear the airwaves and shut up. Feeling a bit hurt and not wishing to make an exhibition of ourselves, we went all Aussi Bloke and opened a can of beer before finding that dumped tuck we passed the day before and scavenging some treasure, Water tanks, Maps and the air filter cleaning instruction label.

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With Gerard Boughtye Ampthill is going ‘Totally Locally’ soon! We understand that the aim is to encourage people to s u p p o r t t h e i r l o c a l businesses and there is to be an exciting launch day on the 29th April with lots going on in the town including offers, tastings, events, local food and c r a f t s , k i d ’ s s t u f f , demonstrations and a whole lot more! The activities commence at 1.00 pm and everyone will be made most welcome. All the details can be found on the webs i t e a t www.totally-locally.co.uk

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In Flitwick Special Beginners

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Starting Monday 2nd April at 6.00pm

and every Monday thereafter Flitwick Leisure Centre

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Happy Birthday Choc for 5th April!

And that’s the darn thing of it!

Here’s a little more whimsy from one of our readers: ‘I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.’Oh Dear! But thanks!

With Howie The bandage was wound around the wound. The farm was used to produce produce. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse. We must polish the Polish furniture. He could lead if he would get the lead out. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes. I did not object to the object. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row. They were too close to the door to close it. The wind was too strong to wind the sail. After a number of injections my jaw got number. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

Happy Birthday Martin B. for the 22nd

Happy Birthday Rocketman for the

9th April

Birthday greetings to Roger for the 7th April


One of our readers has very kindly sent us this quick and tasty recipe: CHEEKY TOMATO

CHICKEN

You need: 4 chicken Supremes and 200 gm bacon from your local butcher 1 doz bottled silverskin onions 1 large can cream of tomato soup Celery to taste Salt and pepper 2 tbs olive oil And of course, something chilled for you to slurp! Here is what you do:

Preheat your oven to about 170 deg C Cut up the bacon into slices, then heat the oil and brown chicken, remove from pan and fry the bacon. Chop up the celery and blanch it. Then place chicken, bacon, celery, onions into an ovenproof dish and cover with the tomato soup. Season to your liking and pop in the oven for about an hour (not you - the casserole!) And now you have time for another crafty slurp - after all that’s the fun of cooking!

Thanks very much, Ma’am

Oh, and me! J x

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JO For 17th April

Love from all your friends!!

1. ‘Can I have a new pencil - this one’s run out.’

2. ‘I’m not going to use matt black paint - it’s too shiny.’

3. ‘Well that’s that done. I’ve hoovered the bed and changed the room.’

4. ‘Great television series - one actress is playing the part of twins’ ‘Are they identical?’

‘I fink I said somefink silly this month but luckily no-one can remember it!’

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ARAGON WINDOWSARAGON WINDOWS

CHRIS FREEMAN Tel/Fax 01525 403992

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Telephone/Fax (01525) 406655Mobile: 07850 727752 email: [email protected]

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Happy Birthday for 6th April!


Answers by email to [email protected] or on a postcard to The Fuddler, PO Box 756 Ampthill Bedford MK45 2WZ Answer next month!

With Lauren Louella Boughalls Hello everybody! Last month’s picture seemed to fox a lot of people! But well done to Brian and others who correctly identified the photo as Ridgmont Church, albeit taken at rather an obtuse angle! Algi and I haven’t been out cycling this month as Algi has been suffering with a bout of flu, but we did find this delightful old photograph. We believe it was taken in the early part of last century, showing a very calm and peaceful village scene. But do you recognise where it could be?

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Here’s a little more whimsy and interesting tales and facts from the pen of Montgolfier: Do you know I have never driven over a level crossing? The ones I have crossed over are somewhere between a frozen ploughed field and the Alps. A friend said he was not bald and that he’s just got a high forehead. Perhaps he doesn’t realise that it now almost reaches his back. I’ve just worked out that if I had walked just 1 mile a day since I was born I would now have covered 29,815 miles. Oops, I’ve just realised that you can now work out my age. Yes I am over 40. Statement on TV: ‘These are real people - they are not actors’. (So now we know that actors are not real people.) Did you know that if you were a WWII spitfire pilot and you put your thumb on the firing button you could get rid of all your ammo in 12 seconds. Firing at an enemy plane would only give a 2 or 3 second burst. Spot on. Scientists have now produced a stop watch that is accurate to ten million billionth of a second using a laser method. Could be useful if you are a commuter and want to catch your train on time. A speed camera was erected down in the West Country at a cost of £20,000. In the first year it only caught one person speeding. It seems that it was doing its job but I got the impression they only put it there to make money.

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Happy Birthday to ‘The Mouse’ for the 27th April!

• • •

• •


Episode ............?Up in ‘the’ Smoke

Just to reassure you; that’s you... yes you who’s reading this now, The Fuddler’s favourite contributor, sorry Arthur it’s not you my old mate, is still going to keep going even though he has moved away from his country residence and returned to the metropolis. I do very much miss the dulcet tones of my peers however, and of Lord Dee himself come to that, even the odd gripe and groan from Old Father Time himself, I hope you wound yourself up an hour a week or so back, now I’m not

there to wind you up in person ...... mind those coins! I also miss the misadventures of my old sparring partner Chef Ordinaire, what with him chasing tins of soup down the high street, mistaking rats for hedgehogs and parking his stunt cycle in hedges whilst he inspects the tarmac close up with his pound shop glasses. The local watering holes are not quite the same here as they are in Fuddler’s World. The local barmaids are certainly not in the same mould as Amms, Bootsie and Fluffy and do not have the likes of Lovely Louise,

’Itchin Rich and the Gnomerunning the establishments. When I do pop back though, I often meet up with my colleague who compiles the Ramblings from the Bench and I enjoy hearing tales from long ago about local rugby and cricket over a beverage or two, often interrupted by ex-landlord who likes to have his penny’s worth before going off mumbling to himself about what his dog might have got up to at home in his absence. But above all I miss the banter and wit from Fuddles himself, although he has allowed me to join him on the occasional paper round delivering this comic to the villages which gives me the opportunity to stock

up on pies and sausages from a butcher that is certainly not the worst. So fear not one and all, this award winning column will still be appearing for some time to come and watch out for those coins tipping over as it is a sure sign that Mammoth Man’s about, no!...eh?...toodle pip.

Here’s a bit more nonsense that I’ve just come across: If there are 7 days in a week and 52 weeks in a year, then 7 x 52 = 364. Who’s got the other day?

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The Fuddler April 2012

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Transcript of The Fuddler April 2012