The Fuddler July 2011

When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!

D & G SHORT

NEED A LOCKSMITH?

Please turn to our ad

on page 8

Plus - All aspects of

home security

FIXED PRICE AERIAL

INSTALLATIONS

See our ad on page 28

NEED AN ELECTRICIAN? NIC-EIC Registered

All electrical work Testing and Certification

Free Estimates

AMPTHILLELECTRICAL

SERVICES 01525 632921 07977173452

C&R PEST MANAGEMENT

40 Yrs experience Fully Insured Special Rates for OAPS!

Wasps, Rats, Mice, Rabbits, Moles, etc

Free Estimate01525 288207

07500 431131

time and time again ‘Whatever you are looking for - you’ll find it in The Fuddler!’A very big thank you to all our advertisers and readers for making The Fuddler as popular as it is today! Join us in promoting your business - all our details are on page four of each issue.

Yes, a massive welcome to your July edition of The Fuddler and it is an amazing nine years since The Fuddler was first introduced! You’ll find all the usual fun and nonsense inside plus of course those all important me s s a g e s f r o m o u r advertisers showing that

Thai Chilli HouseAuthentic Thai food serving from5 10pm daily (Sunday closed)

EAT FOR £10 3 COURSE SELECTEDMEAL EVERY WEDNESDAY/THURSDAY

EVENING

Receive 25% off Takeaway only(On collection)

Telephone 01525 406910

We come to you! Fully equipped professional mobile service.Bathing / Drying Nail Clipping / Feet

Hair Clipping / Design Ear Cleaning

Hand stripping Fully Insured

Call Karen on: 07918 157706www.groomcare.co.uk [email protected]

Sharman LawS O L I C I T O R SIncorporating Sharman & Trethewy

The Solicitors who care for you,your family and your business

1 Harpur Street, BedfordTelephone: 01234 30 30 30

Email: [email protected]: www.SharmanLaw.co.uk

88 Dunstable Street, AmpthillTelephone: 01525 750 750

Don’t worry if you missed an issue - you can catch up at www.thefuddler.com

33, RUSSELL DRIVE AMPTHILL

With Summer now here, isn’t it time you considered replacing those doors and windows? Or maybe a new conservatory to enjoy. Don’t compromise on style - call into our showroom and see our stunning range of doors and windows including “The Composite Door”.

No window or glazing job too small.

THE

www.thefrenchhornpub.comTel: (01525) 720122

Richard and Laurencesecure long lease,

preventing misery of a managed house!

RESTAURANT Food served Monday to Friday 12 - 3 pm and 6 - 10 pm,

Saturday 12 - 10 pm and Sunday 12 - 9 pmPub open all day

Church End, Steppingley, Bedfordshire MK45 5AU

The French Horn Pub


kevinreynolds Kevin Reynolds of Ampthill is pleased to announce a huge expansion of the premises

HAIR STYLISTS NOW REQUIRED ONA ‘RENT-A-CHAIR’ BASIS -

VERY, VERY GOOD TERMS! • Also: hair stylist required

Tel: 01525 841992

A great family day out – Something for everyone! On Sunday 7th August the Rufus Centre, Flitwick will be hosting a Classic Car & Bike Show with Health & Beauty Experience. Profits from this event will go towards the Town Mayor’s Charities Bedford Concern for Homeless & Rootless, the Children’s Burns Trust and the Flitwick Christmas Lights. There will be plenty of motors from yesteryear lovingly restored to their former glory – come and meet their proud owners, talk cars and reminisce Ladies come inside and be pampered! The spacious Lockyer Suite will be decked out with stands offering health and beauty products and advice. Here you can make appointments and sample a range of health and beauty experiences, including manicures, pedicures, skincare, make-up, hair-styling, massage and more... Lots for children too including face painting, tattoos and more! Hot and cold refreshments will be available See also The Rufus Centre’s ad on page 13 of this issue.

Saturday 17 Septemberis Harlington CarnivalTheme: The Olympics

Bookings are being taken until 31st July for the parade and stalls at this highly popular event! The Carnival procession will be at 12.30 pm with the arena events and stalls from 13.30 until 17.00. Admission is free for spectators, and there is car parking available at the station or Upper School car parks.If you would like more i n f o r m a t i o n o r a registration pack please contact [email protected] or telephone 01525 877419.

PARKSIDE HALL WOBURN ST

AMPTHILL MK45 2PS Bookings are invited for this

local community hall. Seating capacity 257 seated,

dinner dance 180, buffet dance 180

Suitable for many activities. Enquiries please ring

01525 634215

Andy Briars and the 3 Legged Charity Race Committee thank all

Sponsors and Participants for their superb effort and

contribution in raising over £5,000 in this years race.

Updates will be provided in future issues of The Fuddler.

THANKS AGAIN

37 Russell Drive Ampthill MK45 2TX Phone: 01525 402509

Mon – Sat: 6.30 am to 6.00 pm Sun: 7.30 am to 12.30 pm

Bank Holiday: 7.30 am to 12.30 pm

OPENING TIMES:

Off licence, lottery, food, snacks, plus ... Newspapers delivered

to your door!And ... There’s parking right outside the shop!

LIBRA WELLNESS Aromatherapy Reflexology Massage

in conjunction with

THE PATHWAY PRACTICE Osteopath are holding an

OPEN DAY on

SATURDAY 30TH JULY 10.00am-2.00pm

Do you suffer with aching muscles, back pain, head or neck ache, sinus problems?

Come along and find out what we can do to help you

Ask questions Refreshments available

10% off new Libra appointments if booked on the day

No. 1 Kings Arms Yard, Behind 9 Church Street, Ampthill

Lush BeautySummer Special for toes

Mini PedicureCuticles, hard skin removal & exfoliationwith Gel overlay, OPI Shatter or Nail foils. £25.00

Call Alison today on 07956 467352Based in Flitwick

Evening andWeekend appointments

Loyalty card & Gift vouchers Available

Individual EyelashExtensionsFull set £40.00Maintenance £20.00

Bio Sculpture GeloverlaysHands £20.00Toes £15.00Hands and Toes £30.00


“The Fuddler” i s pub l i she d by MDA Publications and printed by Fidelity. The views expressed herein are not necessarily those of the publisher. No part of this publication may be copied in any form or by any means without written permission of the Publisher. Copyright MDA Publications. Like to book an ad, or ask about our absurdly low rates please ring Martin on

Across: 1 Beach, 4 Aiding, 9 Learner, 10 Defer, 11 Ewer, 12 Inspire, 13 Hod, 14 Alto, 16 Rota, 18 Ely, 20 Retreat, 21 Oche, 24 Ovine, 25 Duotone, 26 Theism, 27 Eider

Down: 1 Billet, 2 Abate, 3 Hind, 5 Industry, 6 Inflict, 7 Garnet, 8 Braid, 13 Hopeless, 15 Lattice, 17 Try out, 18 Etude, 19 Veneer, 22 Cloud, 23 Bole

Visit our showroom. Over 70 modern andtraditional fireplaces and stoves on display.

1, Woburn Street, Ampthill, Beds

Tel: 01525 841199www.ampthillfireplaces.co.uk

Mon - Fri: 10am - 5pm Sat: 10am - 4pm

SpecialSummer

Deal10% off Stoves

Valid on orders placed

in July & August

Terms and conditions apply

LORD DEE’S PONDERINGS

After a gentleman’s measure or two of the low flying bird I was explaining to Duster

and Check-It-Out that I have on many occasion tied a double Windsor

knot in my tie. Unfortunately, I

described such action as tying ‘hundreds of

Wizzles ...’ much to the guffaws of the

assembled company. Such impertinence.

Ciao

A BRIANISM I was getting ready to join in the music when I realised the

spoons I was going to play were not in tune -

they were in A flat.

Times to suit you. 1st assessment FREE -

45 mins lessons AGES 6 to 60

For further information contact Guy on 07811 364 328

ANTIQUES TO SELL?

Talk to Elfyn at Town Hall Antiques. Established in 1993 we are always looking to buy,

from single items to whole collections. Market Place, Woburn, Beds. MK17 9PZ Open Every Day

Tel: 01525 290950 email: [email protected]


1 2 3 4 5 6 7

8

9 10

11 12

13

14 15 16

17 18 19

20 21 22

23

24 25

26 27

And here’s another crossword that Marjorie has kindly sent to us!

Repudiate

E

E

P

D

T U

AR

I

Sandra’s working her way through another big book (dictionary?) so she’s found lots more words for us! See whether or not this one jumps put at you. (Answer at the bottom of the page if it doesn’t!)

Across: 1 Peels (5) 4 Rinse (6) 9 Open faced sandwich (7) 10 Castigate (5) 11 Leer (4) 12 Materialise (7) 13 Sapless (3) 14 Ending Mus. (4) 16 Drew (4) 18 Enemy (3) 20 Lachrymose (7) 21 Fete (4) 24 Endeavoured (5) 25 Associate (7) 26 Artificial waterways (6) 27 Greed

Down: 1 Customer (6) 2 Rustic (5) 3 Burlesque (4) 5 Claw (8) 6 Emulate (7) 7 City in Devon (6) 8 Untidy (5) 13 Spring flower (8) 15 Applause (7) 17 Unfluctuating (6) 18 Tiny mark (5) 19 Blustered (6) 22 Cherish (5) 23 Cosy (4) Again our grateful thanks for this one, Marjorie!

*Maintenance *Drainage *Driveways

*Landscaping *Fencing *Patios

Contact: Andi Brackenridge T: 07789 681252Email: [email protected]

BOB AMBLERHOME DESIGNS

CarpentryKitchens - Bedrooms

Home Offices - Bathrooms Replacement Kitchen Doors

Worktops and Built in Appliances A complete design, supply and

installation service01525 405393 ans. phone

Mobile: 07889 058345

THE FIRS GUEST HOUSE & CAFE

85, High Street, Ridgmont, Beds Tel: 01525 280279 or 288282

www.thefirsatridgmont.co.uk

GREAT VALUE AT THE FIRS!Bed & Breakfast from only £25.00 pppn

CONTRACTORS WELCOME

Why not call in for one of our FAMOUS ALL DAY BREAKFASTS?

Plus … Teas, coffees, sandwiches, rolls and a large selection of home cooked meals at

£5.00 or less! Eat in or take away

SALES | REPAIRS | ELECTRICS | SERVICING

FOR ALL TYPES OF GARAGE DOORS

CENTRAL BEDFORDSHIRE | MILTON KEYNES


Come &visit us

at our 3600

sq. ft sto

re

only20m

inutes from

Ampthill

& area


From the ‘Big Oak Chair’…Meerkat revisits the Darkened Room…

Fuddler Time’……. The magic which comes from unchangeable ‘Fuddler Time’When the minutes replace the seconds with almost childlike being. The incomprehensible reasoning that comes from Fuddler rhyme Is perhaps, an imaginative window of reflective ‘seeing.’

The chance to swap the trials and tribulations of present day time And escape the boredom of repetitive stress and mindless ideals – For a world of colour and passion on which the mind may innocently mime, And weave in never endings, speculative circles where time never steals.

The starkness of reality engulfing those distant unmatchable dreams, Where time escapes as the clock ticks patiently and relentlessly on; Where comedy catches its breath in the challenging chasing of rainbows and seems For seconds, to hold onto the moment of escapism and then, reluctantly, is gone… Discard the unsettling spiral, which makes up the passing of ordinary time…. for you see… ‘Fuddler Time’ rejects the rudiments of normality by starting and ending at - 4.03

‘I fink I’ll see if I can get tickets for the sold out concert!’

Benedictus is still travelling with Featherstone Luke back into town. They have not arrived yet as they probably stopped off at a famous pub for a drink…or two!! Benedictus will be back again in August……

FLAT FOR RENT IN AMPTHILL Available early June

2 Beds/Lounge/Kitchen/Bathroom CAR PARKING

£550 PER MONTH Contact 01525 403609/403015

AT HOME OR WORK Full and part valets, Hand washed and polished

Seats and carpets cleaned Call Nigel on 01525 261485

Mobile 07977 605987 email: [email protected]


NISA Store has now arrived at Westoning Post Office and Stores

Telephone: 01525 712675

AS YOU KNOW - THE STORE IS UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT It’s exciting times here in Westoning as our

refurbishment is now complete!

GRAND OPENING SOON!Longer opening hours ...

Monday to Friday 6am to 8pmSaturday 7am to 8pmSunday 7am to 2pm

Post Office 9 am to 5.30 pm Mon - Fri, Saturday 9 am to 12.30 pm

Special offers in store and leaflets will be arriving through your door soon .....

Come in and see the changes and meet the friendly staff and ownersHarvey, Sarina, Tara and Kay

Debit & Credit Card Payments accepted - ATM Machine arriving soon


By Julio Van Peebles 1) When horses do their business on the road, why doesn't the owner have to pick it up ? 2) Why do women blink nearly twice as much as men ? (Fact) 3) Why can you cycle through Windsor Great Park but not Ampthill Park ? 4) Do people still eat jelly and blancmange ? 5) How can Pluto be a planet for nearly 80 years, then all of a sudden it isn't ? Julio’s Top Tip: Covering a Dairylea cheese triangle with Tip-ex makes an ideal substitute for 'funsize' Brie !!

Look who’s 50 on July 26th!

Happy Birthday ‘Andy The Swede’ !!

With Jimmy The Voice JTV has sent us a bit more craziness this month - we reckon he was out in the sun too long! Are the lines straight?

... He thinks they are! - See what we mean? But are they? - we’re certainly not sure!

A BIG Happy Birthday to Kerry and Bex for the 16th July! Lots of love Mum and Dad xx

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ‘THE MAMMOTH MAN’

FOR 17TH JULY!

Reasonable Rates Experienced Mechanic

Servicing Spares Repairs ON ALL MAKES OF CARS, MOTORCYCLES

LIGHT COMMERCIALS OLD AND NEW MOT’S ARRANGED, MOT WORK CARRIED OUT

WANTED: HOUSE FOR LETHouse with 3 bedrooms, garage & enclosed garden

wanted from September for long let. Would prefer house in Ampthill or surrounding area.

Please call: Geoff on 07950 160339 Or email: [email protected]


Babs went off to work with her packed lunch in a plastic box. When it came to lunch time she opened the box, peeped into the sandwiches and exclaimed ‘Oh, I don’t like cheese’ and promptly gave them away. On day 2 she did exactly the same - opened the sandwiches and said ‘Oh, I don’t like cheese’ and again gave them away. On day 3 she just gave the sandwiches away saying ‘Oh, I don’t like cheese’ without peeping. ‘How did you know they were cheese - you didn’t look?’ asked one of her colleagues. ‘I should know - I make them.’ replied Babs sensibly.

Beauty tip: Never put anything blue on your cheeks. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. My friend’s husband is so silly that he thought a quarterback was a refund. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it? The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. Don’t look for a husband. Just go out with single men. Never allow your staff to think outside the box. Once they start doing that you’ll never get the lid back on. I meant to put the shelf up but I was watching 60 Minute Makeover and life just lost all meaning. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool. If he hasn’t phoned after 2 days don’t worry. If he hasn’t phoned after 3 days that’s still OK. If he hasn’t rung after 4 days maybe you should have your moustache waxed. How many times is it appropriate to say ‘What?’ before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said? 1 Twelfth Night, 2 Company -

Samuel Beckett, 3 Eagle, 4 Chicken, 5 Floods, 6 2000 BC, 7 Hand, 8 Fish, 9 Bridge game, 10 1877

1. Where would you find the character ‘Cesario’?

2. ‘A voice comes to me in the dark’ is the opening line of which book?

3. ‘Convocation’ is the collective noun for which creature?

4. What is a ‘Ross Ranger’? 5. I f you suf fered f rom

‘Antlophobia’ of what would you be afraid?

6. When were locks invented? 7. Where would you find the

‘Mount of the Moon’? 8. What is a ‘Tautog’? 9. Where would you find a ‘Solid

suit’?10.In what year was the first

Wimbledon championship?

Building Preservation Specialists Damp ProofingWoodworm TreatmentsDry / Wet Rot TreatmentsBasement Waterproofing

Telephone/Fax (01525) 406655Mobile: 07850 727752 email: [email protected]

16 Tavistock Avenue, Ampthill, Bedford. MK45 2RY

Painting and Decorating For all your interior and exterior

decorating requirements.

Professional, clean, reliable and friendly service.

Fully insured.

For a free competitive quotation please call01525 404645 or Mobile 0774 7755943

CHEESEMANS PHARMACY OF AMPTHILL Tel: 01525 402173

FREE PRESCRIPTION DELIVERY Can’t get to the chemist or surgery?

Don’t worry, we’ll pick up your prescription from your surgery and deliver your medication to your door.

Covering Ampthill, Clophill, Flitwick, Houghton Conquest, Maulden, Silsoe, Wilstead

& surrounding villages.

Lush Beauty‘Sunjunkie’ Spray Tanning

Spray Tan Parties

The host will receive a FREE Spay Tan.

Call Alison today on 07956 467352Based in Flitwick

HOME VISITS, WEEKEND AND EVENING APPOINTMENTSAVAILABLE


CANCER (June 22-July 23) Now that the summer is well and truly here, you may find that you are ready to step back from it all and rethink the plane you have in mind.

LEO (July 24-August 23) It could be an opportune time to make the decision that you feel you should now make . Discuss ma t te r s thoroughly with those that care.

VIRGO (Aug 24-Sept 23) After the new moon at the beginning of the month you could find yourself invigorated with an abundance of new ideas.

LIBRA (Sept 24-Oct 23) You may be considering a complete change in your working life which you feel would be for the better. Be sure to take advice.

SCORPIO (Oct 24-Nov 22) The next few weeks may be a confusing time in certain directions. But remain confident that you will clarify the situation.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23-Dec 22) An exciting challenge may well lay ahead for Sagittarians in the near future. The stars indicate that there are good times ahead.

CAPRICORN (Dec 23-Jan 20) Why not throw caution to the wind and go on the trip that you have promised yourself? You can always catch up when you return.

AQUARIUS (Jan 21-Feb 19) With the full moon in the middle of the month, you could well find that an upturn in your financial situation comes with it.

PISCES (Feb 20-March 20) Your creative side may well come to the fore soon if you are asked to assist in a particular project. Be sure of arrangements before you start.

ARIES (March 21-April 20) It may not always be in your interest to remain secretive about things. Share your thoughts with those close to you confidently.

TAURUS (April 21-May 21) Is it time to wear your heart on your sleeve and declare your real feelings for the special person in your life? They probably are waiting to hear.

GEMINI (May 22-June 21) As we forge ahead into the summer, watch out for unexpected pitfalls in the things you are planning. Pay heed to the good ideas of others.

Registered Member of The British Chiropody and Podiatry Association HPC Registration No. CH17913

THERESE GRAY FSSCh. Dip Pod Med. MBChA. Chiropodist/Podiatrist Surgery By Appointment

Telephone: 01525 841845 Email: [email protected]

Do not let flip flops spoil your summer holiday .........

Orthotic flip flops available.Effective treatment for shin splints.... heel pain....

back pain and tired aching feet. Ring the clinic and ask for details ormake an appointment and give your

feet the care they deserve.

ICE Integrated Clinical Excellence 35 Russell Drive

Ampthill MK45 2TX


Well if what I hear, and the rumours are true, Our new Fuddler stand will be here on display outside

for you, And full of Fuddlers for you to take away,

I’ve just been told the delivery day will be this Tuesday. So no more leaving them out in a box on the ground,

Where they all got battered and kicked around, So come and collect them out of our new stand,

And while you’re there why not pop in the shop and have a look around.

We have many great offers you will see in our store, And great value for money, and so much more, With many new products for just one pound,

Qh and not forgetting our great newspaper offers, the best in town.

Toys, cards, disposable bbqs, and children’s activity packs, And if you’re working in the garden we even sell refuse

and garden sacks. With a large range of magazines all out on display, But if you can’t find what you’re looking for please

don’t just walk away, Just ask and we will see what we can do,

We will ring our supplier and try get it in for you. Oh and don’t forget if you’re out in this hot sun,

We sell a great range of cold drinks and ice cream on sale for everyone.

Your local newsagent Martins, 17 Church Street, Ampthill 01525 404096

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENTDaniel is sorry to say that he has had to suspend his delicious Sunday Roasts

temporarily as our kitchen will shortly be undergoing refurbishment! Apologies for any inconvenience but please watch this space for more news!

NEW OPENING TIMESDue to popular demand we are pleased to say we are now open from 3.00 pm to close

on Monday to Thursday and 12.00 noon to close on Friday, Saturday & Sunday

REAL ALESUp to 8 real ales now available to enjoy in the bars or on our sunny side patio!

QUIZ NIGHT EVERY WEDNESDAYWith our resident Quizmaster and his lovely assistant, or sometimes a guest quizmaster starts at 9.00 pm and is open to all at no charge - why not come along and have a go?


LOST - CAN YOU HELP? One of our readers has lost a gold watch in Ampthill on

the morning of the 22nd June, somewhere between Waitrose and Neotsbury Road. It is Gold with a black

leather strap and of great sentimental value. If you should have found it please tell us (our details

are on p.4) and we will contact the owner.

By Henry Flagstaff Gladys, Archie, Mrs.F, and myself popped up to the Millbrook Village fete to have a flutter on the ferret racing, enjoy a cream tea and peruse all the stalls. Lo and behold, on the book stall was another of John Grisham’s novels entitled ‘The Broker’. Clutching my 20 pence I rushed to purchase said tome and handed it to Gladys for safe keeping lest I should immerse myself before I arrived at the wing back.After a splendid afternoon we arrived home so I dashed to the study, poured a malt and settled in for a good read.

(Gladys was playing with the cat by now.) Steering away from Mr Grisham’s normal legal genre, this novel involves a controversial pardon given by the outgoing President of the USA to a notorious former power broker who has been languishing in prison for 6 years. Moved to a secret location the big question is who will kill him for his secrets? As the Independent describes the book: ‘A k i l l e r combinat ion of sheer storytelling nous and no nonsense prose.’ What a cracker! Couldn’t put it down! Thanks Millbrook!

...are Milton Keynes’s premier airport transfer company.

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and from your airport stress free and in comfort and style. 100% reliable, professional service

guaranteed. DVD’s / coolers available.

T: 0800 707 6003 E: [email protected]

www.airportsdirectmk.com 33 White Alder, Stacey Bushes

Milton Keynes, MK12 6HE Company No. 5318754 (England & Wales)


Memory Foam Mattresses Direct from the manufacturer

at trade prices!

WWW.COMFORT MATTRESS.CO.UK

At Comfort Mattress we manufactureand distribute high quality

Memory Foam mattresses locallyfrom Shefford.

We sell direct to the public and tradecutting out the middle men, allowingus to sell a range of foam products at

FANTASTIC low prices!!Take advantage of massive

discounted prices only availablefrom our Factory Outlet at

12C Oldbridge Way, SheffordInd Est, Beds SG17 5HQ

30% Discount off web site prices with this voucher.

Not to used with any other offer

YOUR LOCAL

No.1For Scooters,

Stairlifts & Mobility

Can’t get to us? Call now to organise a free

no pressure home demonstration with one of our friendly

sales advisors.

Curved & Straight stairlifts available.

New and used Scooters, part ex

welcome.Wheelchairs,

Ramps, Walking Sticks, Grab Rails,

Tri-Walkers, Rollators, Bathlifts, Waterproof Clothing

& much more. For more information call us or

visit our website atwww.comforthomecare.co.uk


Now is your opportunity to book a stall at the famous Woburn Oyster Festival’s annual Antiques Fleamarket. By public demand the Fleamarket will be at The Pitchings on both the 10th and 11th September this year. So if your are a stall holder and would like to book your pitch please ring Elfyn or Elaine at Town Hall Antiques on 01525 290950.The Craft Fair at the Oyster Festival will also operate on the 10th and 11th September at the Churchyard. If you are interested in having a stall at the Craft fair please ring Ken or Sue on 01525 290352.

FARMERS MARKETS The Farmers Market in Woburn is held on the third Sunday of every month at The Pitchings, whilst Ampthill Farmers Market is held on the last Saturday of each month at their new home at The Prince of Wales in Bedford Street, Ampthill. Don’t forget The Charter Market in Ampthill every Thursday and Flitwick Market on Fridays!

Fancy a dip? The lovely Woburn swimming pool in Crawley Road is open now until the end of August. As an added feature it is well worth visiting to take a look at the splendid wall painting recently carried out by local graffiti artists ‘Mef & Kem’. The mural extends along a 30 metre wall that runs alongside the pool!

TRADITIONAL FREEHOUSEPUB AND RESTAURANT

WITH LARGE PATIO GARDENLouise and James welcome you to their realcountry pub in a fabulous village location

only a couple of minutes fromWoburn Safari Park.

Traditional home cooked food, real alesand wines by the glass

Plus …‘The Hogman’Pig or Lamb Roast

Any Occasion, Any LocationJust the Spit or full Buffet including Bar

The Green ManChurch EndEversholtMK17 9DU

Telephone – 01525 288111Website www.greenmaneversholt.com


Now open in Ampthill


With Mrs Pinkleton

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. Martin, age 10 WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? When they're rich. Pam, age 7 The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that. Curt, age 7 The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. Howard, age 8 IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them. Anita, age 9 HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED? There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? Kelvin, age 8 HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK? Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck. Ricky, age 10 And thanks again Mrs P.!

Skip and Helen welcome you to

OSSORY ARMS 9 Arthur Street, Ampthill

www.ossoryarms.co.uk 07711 000 628 or 07791 908 699

Pool, Darts, WiFi, Quiz night

NEWEXTENDED BAR MENU

SERVED ALL DAY EVERY

DAY

EVERYWEDNESDAYIS CURRY NIGHT

PROBABLYTHE BEST

BREAKFASTIN

AMPTHILL!

Served FRI / SAT

from 10.30am Sunday

from 9.30 am

• • •

• •


With Al B. Suppin

Root Beer was originally called Root Tea, however the name was changed to Root Beer to get more people to take interest in it. Beer recipes have been found on Babylonian clay tablets from over 6000 years ago. Guinness sells an average of 7 million glasses a day. The British Army supplied its men with a cash allowance for beer, considered a vital nutritional staple on long overseas missions. With this allowance of one penny, soldiers enjoyed six pints of ale every day. 1587: The first beer is brewed in the New World at Sir Walter Raleigh's colony in Virginia, but the colonists send requests to England for better beer A beer a day... Beer was used to treat over 100 illnesses in Egypt, 1600 BC. In the 13th century, King Wenceslas convinced the Pope to revoke an order banning the brewing of beer in Czech territories (no wonder he was known as 'Good King Wenceslas). In Egypt, two containers of beer were the minimum wage for a day's labour. American beer is predominately made from rice. That is why it tastes so light compared to foreign beers. This is purely an American invention to increase profits as they hoped a lighter beer would also draw women to purchase. Beer was often served for breakfast in medieval England.

Our grateful thanks again Al!

THE ROYAL OAK 40 George Street,

WOBURN

Tel: 01525 290 576

WOBURN’S OLDEST TRADITIONAL THATCHED

COTTAGE PUB Traditional English Bar Food Polish Specials From £4.95

Sunday Lunches £8.50 Quiz night first Thursday

of every month Sunday Meat Raffle

Ruddles Best & CarlsbergOnly £2.50 a Pint!


With Ann, Robin & Son, For your delectation and pleasure, here are some more of those unbelievable answers that contestants have come up with on various game shows. 1 An animal you cannot fit into a Mini car .............. ‘Mouse.’ 2 A bad place to fall asleep: ................................. ‘Concrete.’ 3 A sport which involves throwing something: ....... ‘Tennis.’ 4 Something you lose when you get older: ...... ‘Your purse.’ 5 Something that makes you close your eyes: ........... ‘Dark.’ 6 Someone you wouldn't swear in front of: .......... ‘Yourself.’ 7 A number you might have to memorise: .............. ‘Seven.’ 8 A boy mentioned in a nursery rhyme: .......................... ‘Little Red Riding Hood..’ 9 Something a train-spotter would have in his pocket: ........... ‘A magnifying glass..’ 10 Something you would play with in the bath: .... ‘A bazooka.’

Thought for the month:If you lose an hour in the morning you’ll be looking

for it all day.

17th July

Happy Birthday Natty Noos!!

22nd July

Don’t Messa

With Miss Dessa!

Accountancy ServicesFull Management Accounts, Book-keeping, VAT,

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Investigates, determines and treats the cause of disease for a wide range of common health issues in people of all ages eg eczema and other skin complaints, hayfever, whiplash, anxiety, depression, period pain and other menstrual problems, recurrent infections eg tonsillitis, chest infections. Specialist in women’s, babies and children’s health.

Plus:

Constantia Clinic, Rectory Road, Steppingley, Bedfordshire, MK45 5AT 100 yards from French Horn pub *Not a registered medical practitioner

Classical osteopathic medicine Homeopathy Ayurvedic medicine Meditation Help with conception & pregnancy

Cranial Osteopathy Allergy diagnosis and treatment Life coaching Stress management Help with childhood asthma, eczema etc

Constantia Clinic www.constantiaclinic.co.uk 01525 719588

Primary Care Physician* in Natural Medicine Dr Julia Spivack BSc (Hons), DO, MSCC, MICO, Dip Hom, MSc (Ayur)


CONTINUATION OF ROCKET’S GRAND

TOURON A BMW

MOTORCYCLE(copied from his daily journal) Woke up at 6-20 am, nothing will be open until 9am, especially the bank! So going to have a bath as I have some nasty sores on my backside, must get some cream for my saddle sores. I noticed a Morrison’s on my way in to Gibraltar yesterday. I wonder if I will be able to find it again today. Just reflecting on how unbelievably good the roads were down here, the tunnels are great to blast through, the sound of the bike going through them is reminiscent of a big Spitfire engine or perhaps more appropriate a Messerschmitt engine! The road down the coast to Gibraltar is all motorways, taking you right through hills and hills and more hills. On the plateaux there are thousands upon thousands of orange groves, full of fruit destined for supermarkets around the world no doubt. There are hundreds of plants covered w i t h b i g p l a s t i c greenhouses. I have no idea what they were, but will try to find out. I seem to have been riding for hours around Gibraltar in the rush hour traffic in order to find the Morrison’s store I saw yesterday, but it was worth it, got some cream for my sores and also two hand raised pork pies. I then did a bit of the tourist route up on the rock, saw the monkeys etc. I then went to Nat West bank to try and draw out some Moroccan money, which I could not do. So I drew out sterling and changed it into Euros. I then went and filled up with petrol at a good old Shell garage, the cheapest pump prices I have seen for yea rs , 89 .5pence . I estimated I would do 2,500 miles to Gibraltar and I have

done 2,454 miles. I was not far out. Rode out of Gibraltar to go towards Algeciras to get a ferry to the port of Ceuta in Morocco. Saw loads of tourist offices on the way, but decided to go to the terminal for my ferry ticket,- well that was the plan anyway, but got accosted by a man who took me across the street to a ticket office and before I knew it I had paid €128 for an open return ticket. Never mind you live and learn! Then on the way back he wanted paying for the privilege of taking me to this over priced ticket office. I gave him €2 and told him to go away. I boarded the boat almost straight away, waited for the man to tie my bike down, which did not happen, so undid my own strap and did it myself. It is actually a very clean and pleasant boat. A great improvement on the Isle of Man steam packet boats, I must say! It has a nice little snack bar and cafe inside and luxurious leather seats to sit on. The crossing seems to be a bit choppy, I just hope my bike is ok, as all ferries I have been on in the past, you are not allowed down in the hold to check your vehicle while sailing. As I got on the ferry I saw a massive cylinder head on the car deck - very reassuring. I think this must be a catamaran as it seems to be going a fair rate of knots! So that cylinder head can’t be anything to do with this boat, as the sea cats are jet powered. It’s 13-00hrs, looks like we are close to docking now. I can see land, loads of it. Docked at 13-10. Got to now try and get insurance for me to ride in Morocco, you can only get it once you arrive in Africa, you are not covered with European insurance! Part 2 of day 8 - to be continued next month

Saturday 23rd July BONUS BBQ!!

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Sunday 31st

July

QUIZ NIGHT

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Here from the kitchens of Ricardo Del Cavarro: GAMMON AND SALAD

SUPPERFor four people you will need:4 thick gammon steaks from your local butcher (about 2cms thick - the steaks, that is!)100 gm Demerara sugar 3 tps mustard powder 1/4 litre of milk Corn flour Green salad And, of course, a little something to slurp! Firstly put the oven on to about 190° C. Then trim any fat off the gammon and pop them in a casserole dish. Keeping

about 1/4 of the sugar to one side, mix the rest with the mustard powder and sprinkle the mixture over the gammon. Then pour the milk over, cover and cook in the oven for about 45 minutes. Grab a quick slurp! Remove the gammon and place on a shallow oven proof dish. Thicken the sauce that is left with the corn flour and a little water mixed to a paste. Pour the sauce over the gammon, sprinkle the remaining sugar over and pop under a hot grill. G a r n i s h w i th s o me watercress and serve with a sumptuous green salad.

15th July

Happy 25th Birthday Owen Putwain Love Sammi xx

With Hayley - D.I.

I went to play Tiddlywinks and

there’s a wink missing! So - who’s got it? Or did it go up the

Hoover? I’ll find out!

If you would like to book an advertisement in our next edition

please ring Martin on 01525 841434 for all the details

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KEEP THE DOORS SHUT WHILE THE PLANE IS IN

THE AIR! Melbourne Victoria Australia 1976 During 1976, I was working as a salesman for a super company called TOSCO in M e l b o u r n e V i c t o r i a Australia, I sold to Universities, hospitals and the petroleum industry, mainly centrifuges, Blood gas analysers and infrared spectrophotometers, and such like, I do not know why they let me stay, they were the most ethical, honest company I had worked.

My company car, purchased at my expense was a Californian Mini Moke, my boss did not really approve but still said “OK” it was a cheap car to run and according to them I was getting results, the value of my car allowance was far in excess of the cost of running the Moke and I spent that excess on learning to fly. After several hours of training I went solo, the thrill was unbelievable, but I had reservations about my job as a salesman, I could not equate the work I did to the salary they paid me. It seems strange now but I did not believe I was earning the money, so I left. During my exit interview I

had a rare talk with the MD of the company, he was a devout Presbyterian, and I felt guilty for letting him down, he had faith in me and I ignored it. He seemed quite puzzled that I felt I must go! In fact one of the reasons I left was Jean who I met soon after I arrived in Melbourne from the bush; she had expressed a wish to work in Alice Springs and I had persuaded her to let me be her driver and take the scenic route to Alice, via the T o p - E n d , ( N o r t h e r n Territory), to the new post. Prof Reginald V Q da Ghama IPAWith kind permission of Jim BarrTo be continued ...

Hello! I could serve you up a clue. I am not an actress but I have recently been seen on your television sets in a highly watched programme. But who am I? You’ll find the answer at the foot of the page.

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Answers by email to [email protected] or on a postcard to The Fuddler, PO Box 756 Ampthill Bedford MK45 2WZ Answer next month!

With Lauren Louella Boughalls Hello again and many thanks to everyone who entered my little competition again last month. Congratulations to everybody who correctly spotted that the picture was of the old ‘Bates & Parmiter’ shop in Ampthill. (Where the NatWest bank is now.) Now we continue our trip down memory lane courtesy of a very kind reader who has been good enough to forward this picture to us. But do you recognise where it is?

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Digital photography has developed over the past few years dramatically. Many new cameras include new features that make taking pictures easier resulting in blur free sharp images. Take for example face recognition, the camera automatically detects a face and adjusts the settings for the best result simple but very effective. Think how many pictures you have, were faces are too dark or too light! Image stabilisation, when you zoom in on an object, how hard is it to keep the camera steady? Some of the latest models stabilise the camera resulting is sharper images. If you are thinking of getting a camera or upgrading your current model, call in and have a demonstration. As the warmer weather starts to appear older refrigeration products start to struggle. How old is yours? Many new fridges have a cool air circulation feature that really does keep your food crisper and fresher for longer. Does your freezer need de-frosting on a regular basis? Frost-free is fantastic, eliminating the need for the bowls, towels and the waste of time! Think about it now don’t get caught out just before the BBQ with a freezer full of soggy food! Since switchover lots of people have asked about recording television programmes. Our advice is to invest in a PVR. Gone are the days of using videotapes or DVD discs with this latest technology all recorded programmes are stored internally on a hard disk. Its a three stage process to record a TV programme, press guide, choose the programme to record and press ok, it really is that simple. If you are reading this and would like to change your old VHS recorder to a new PVR, during the month of July we are offering Fuddler readers a 5% discount on any PVR (just show us a copy of the Fuddler magazine) that even includes the Freeview HD one. If you enjoy listening to the radio, Roberts have recently released a DAB (that’s digital) sports radio. It can fit in your shirt pocket, has a built in speaker or if you want to catch up on the footie or cricket scores without anyone knowing pop in the supplied headphones for personal listening. Three things you may not have known. We copy old cine films onto dvd discs - We have a huge range of shaver spares - We service Dyson cleaners. The answer as always is to speak to your local Independent Specialist to get professional information and a demonstration. Paul Mead - Michael R Peters, Tavistock Sound & Vision 01234 352107/356323 (see their ad on the adjacent page)

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I have just had a total knee replacement and have looked at life in a different way. I have always had freedom to drive a car, go to the pub on my bicycle, and drive myself to band gigs, and ride my beloved Triumph motor cycle. Then it all happened I had the operation, and at the same time had my wings clipped, the first time in 44years of marriage. I can’t get anywhere, no driving for six weeks, can’t get to the pub, and have to rely on people to take me to band gigs, sitting down with my crutches by my side. I am taking strong pain killers and am up with the fairies; dare not have a drink in case I trip over my crutch, or fall down a step. Sitting in the garden with my leg up on a stool watching the clouds, looking at the flowers, and bird watching. I had bouquet of flowers delivered to my wife for looking after me, and the first thing she said was have you got a guilty conscience, are you having an affair. You can’t win, Will I ever get back to my local pubs for a beer or three and throw my crutches away and walk properly again, it gives you a different outlook on life when viewed from the crutch. Honky

Spotted by an eagle eyed reader who has very kindly sent this in:

Thanks again for this one! If you are out and about and find a daft sign that you would like to share - please send it in!

1) ‘I only brought the wife out so I didn’t have to kiss her goodbye.’

2) ‘I’m just going to pop in the shop to see whether they’ve got a 10 in my size.’

3) ‘So where do you live now?’

‘Well, in my house’

30th July A very Happy

60th Birthday to Rob!

Gottcha?


back to the Good Life . ..

In Arthur’s World Due to clearly foreseen circumstances we've been missing from these pages for the last couple of months. Sorry about that. Our editor and publisher has made a brave attempt to keep this column warm with a few not so well chosen words. But it's not been the same. His professional writing standards lack the skill, the sheer exuberance and the utter cheek in putting together paragraph after paragraph of wasted word space. Well we are back – Big Time ! ! Grabbed a last minute bargain on one of those space shuttle things. Saved up the tokens from the paper, got a good discount and with my OAP

concessions had a cheap few weeks wandering around outer space. The shuttle was 2 star rather than my accustomed 5 star but all in all it wasn't bad value for money. It's navigation system went all to pot and we landed on the car park at Millbrook village hall instead of wherever we set off from. The place was full because of the Church fete. Met up with Mrs Arthur a few hours earlier than I was expected. She was there buying home made jam from super sales lady Mrs. Honky and losing a few quid on the ferret racing. I was happy – they had a good pint of draught on in the bar, my first for weeks. They raised a tidy sum of cash for the Church funds and charity - well done guys and gals (yankee space walk speak !)I think I've found the missing

ferret – the one that won nothing. It got into my dirty luggage, went a few times around the tumble drier and is now well coiffured waiting for it's rightful owner. Ampthill looked pretty when I got back – no need to go the extent of all that street bunting just to welcome me back though. The same with the Cook Shop – it didn't really need a coat of paint outside, but it got one anyway. Thank you all - I was very flattered. What's next then? Enjoy the Ampthill festival and then relax and concentrate on creativity within the Fuddler pages until October and the big operation on the knee replacement job. Our mate Honky has just had his done – he was kind enough to let them do a practice run on him a few weeks ago. He keeps telling me

I'll be all right. “A couple of months getting over it with the wife chasing around after you and you'll be as right as rain” he says. No chance says I. Not so sure Mrs Arthur fancies that bit – but it is all about “better and for worse”. Before that though is the invasion of Es Graus – a Menorcan hideaway I found through the advertising department of The Fuddler. A brilliant looking place and you'll be kept up to speed on the planning and execution of this little adventure. Amid all of this excitement I've got to learn my lines for Ampthill Singers Concert in November – word perfection I will never achieve, a vast improvement on my efforts of last year will be expected. When does that next Shuttle Trip holiday start ? ? I think I may need a ticket

The Cottage Bakery has been providing buffets for parties, office lunches and private functions for several years.

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Ampthill

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Here we bring you some more observations and tales from the whimsical world of Montgolfier: Seen in our garden yesterday for the first time ever - a Bunet Moth. They are black with 5 red spots. They are not rare and are mostly found in chalky areas. I bought 2 combs last week and got 1 flea. The most expensive thing I’ve ever put out in a recycling bag (BY MISTAKE) was a 2,000 dollar Japanese hand embroidered wedding kimono. That was around £1,500 quid gone. Archaeology: I was given the freedom of a country estate and heard that a previous Duke had a cannon by the lake where he entertained British and French Royal families by firing at a mock galleon out on the lake. I worked out the best place to site the cannon and 200 year old trees had grown. Using my detector I found 26 x 6 pound cannon balls at a depth of 10 inches. Had to have a tractor to collect them. These were ones which had never been fired - the fired ones were at the bottom of the lake. I worked out that the balls I found had been there about 207 years. Pub sign: Open all day from 12.00 noon. I saw a sign today saying MASSIVE CARPET SALE. I didn’t stop to go in as it didn’t give the actual size. Did you know that the shortest place name in the UK is Ae about 9 miles north of Dumfries, and the longest one is Doddiscombeleigh 6 miles south west of Exeter. If I remember rightly their pub is called ‘The Nobody Inn’. Query: How do you kill ometers?

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I must apologise to my reader that I have been unable to write the next instalment for two reasons. Firstly I have been away on my travels and secondly I seem to have had a small complication in the creature department! (See below) However I hope to be back with you next month.

Alan! Alan! Al! Alan!

Alan! Alan!

With Geoffrey THE Golfer The archaeologists had been exploring deep in the Amazon jungle, clearing creepers and undergrowth from the faint traces of a Lost City. Their excitement mounted as the place`s purpose became evident. Broad, winding avenues of giant flagstones had deep, narrow, perfectly circular holes every few hundred yards. Surely it had to be .... a golf course! The discovery of stone panels depicting human figures using primitive prototypes of irons or putters removed any doubt. Next step was to ask the local tribesmen about

traditions associated with the prehistoric golf club. The tribes had legends of Old Ones who followed a daily ritual with the clubs and balls. Watching a particularly wrinkled, aged elder chattering to the interpreter, a Professor murmured wistfully. ‘If only we knew why they gave up golf, making it disappear for centuries before being discovered again.’ The interpreter nodded eagerly and relayed the query. The elder, surprised, made a sweeping gesture at the jungle, and replied tersely. ‘ S i m p l e , ’ w a s t h e translation, ‘they couldn`t afford the green fees.’

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Sent to us by a reader: A SMOKER’S PRAYER

My dear Fuddler I appeal to you

I’m desperate and Don’t know what to do.

I pass the restaurants And the bus stop

Why do the butt ends Always drop.

On the pavement It’s a sin

When in all places There’s a bin

We love our Ampthill All around

Don’t throw rubbish On the ground I only want to Plead with you I’m not a pain

Cause I smoke too.

The Fuddler July 2011

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Transcript of The Fuddler July 2011