The Fuddler February 2011

When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!

Staples Garden Centre, Fordfield Rd, Millbrook, MK45 2HZ Telephone 01525 402959

Workshops & Clubs available - please come in for details We stock card making supplies, decoupage, water colour supplies and much more! DMC Silks, Jewellery, beads and findings. Stockists of wool - Robin, Bretts, Peter Pan & Wendy. TRIMCRAFT

TEA HOUSE RANGENOW IN

DON’T FORGET OUR LOYALTY CARD

Spend £2 or more, get a stamp, & after 10 stamps get 10% off your

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Opening soon ...

119 Dunstable Street, Ampthill, MK45 2NGTel: 01525 404024 / 841580

AMPTHILL TANDOORICome and experience Authentic IndianCuisine in our new restaurant (formerly

Earls) in the centre of Ampthill.

You are invited to either join us to dine inthis lovely old building, or we can prepare

your meal to take away.Please contact us for details of our special opening night!

Your Choice ... THAI CHILLI RESTAURANT

Tel: 01525 406910 Dine in or takeaway

DROVERSARMS.EU - STEPPINGLEY Fine Indian dining

Tel: 01525 715 697 Dine in or takeaway

WHITEHARTAMPTHILL.CO.UK New chef - New menu Tel: 01525 406863

Whatever your taste - we’ve got you covered!

VALENTINE’S DAY BOOKINGS NOW BEING TAKEN

NEED AN ELECTRICIAN? NIC-EIC Registered

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Hello all you romantics and welcome to the February edition of your Fuddler!You’ll find the usual fun and nonsense inside plus of course those all important m e s s a g e s f r o m o u r advertisers! Do look carefully through because, as you know and we know,

‘Whatever you’re looking for, you’ll find it in TheFuddler’!Don’t miss next month’s very special issue, by the way, it will be TheFuddler’s 100th edition!! Lots of fun, a really super competition and loads more besides! We’ll see you then.

Don’t worry if you missed an issue - you can catch up at www.thefuddler.com

33, RUSSELL DRIVE AMPTHILL

With Spring not far away, isn’t it time you considered replacing those doors and windows? Or maybe a new conservatory to enjoy. Don’t compromise on style - call into our showroom and see our stunning range of doors and windows including “The Composite Door”.

No window or glazing job too small.


MT. KILIMANJARO TREK - 23/06/11 In June, Ampthill locals Jonathan Duckett and Chris Geary are participating in the extremely challenging trek of Mt Kilimanjaro on 23rd June. It's a 10 day trek, and it's a trip which requires sheer determination and effort to get to the top and it will be an achievement of a lifetime. However, for them to take part in this adventure they both need to raise £3,750. The money goes towards Marie Curie Cancer Care, which is an extremely important charity who help provide care for terminally ill cancer patients in the community. This year Marie Curie Cancer Care expect to provide care to around 29,000 people with cancer and other terminal illnesses, so they both believe with their donations they can help them achieve this. Please help Jonathan and Chris climb to the roof of Africa and support this worthwhile charity. Any donations you make will be greatly appreciated and will really help them to meet their targets. Donations can be made at: www.justgiving.com/jd-cg or call:

07722 022743 / 07850 578264Thank you! Charity Reg No. 207994

FLITWICK LOWER SCHOOL

PAMPER NIGHT Friday 11th February sees a ‘Pamper Night’ to be held at Flitwick Lower School Hall. The event, which is to help raise funds for the school, starts at 7.00 pm and entrance is just £4.00. ‘Come and be pampered and shop till you drop: Reiki, Indian Head Massage, Reflexology, Body Massage, T h a i f o o t ma s s a g e , ma n i cu r e s , p ed i cu r es (simply pay the therapist on the night for your chosen treatment/s); Vie at home, Jamie at home, cards, jewellery, crafts, candles, Ann Summers, Body Shop. Free drink and nibbles.’ For tickets please contact Debbie on 07752 390 829

DANCE INTO 2011 With our new programme in

Ballroom & Latin American for adults from beginners to improvers

Classes to be held at Ampthill, Flittonand Shortstown (limited space)

Learn to dance for your Wedding Private tuition

For details & registration please call TOM WOODS SCHOOL OF DANCE

01525 403533

GET PLAYING CRICKET THIS SUMMER! Steppingley Cricket Club are looking for new players - young or old, currently playing or a bit rusty we want to hear from you. We are holding weekly net practice sessions at Marston Vale Middle school in Stewartby on Mondays from 8-10 pm so even if you haven't played for a while there is plenty of time to get back in the swing of things. Alternatively if your playing days are behind you but you still want to be part of the cricket team get involved as a non-playing member. Just let us know what area you would like to get involved with and your help will certainly be appreciated.The club is made up of people that want to enjoy their cricket, win matches and have a good time off the field. So if you are interested in making the best possible use of your summer please get in contact with Gary. email [email protected] or check out our website www.steppingley.play-cricket.com

THE FIRS GUEST HOUSE & CAFE

85, High Street, Ridgmont, Beds Tel: 01525 280279 or 288282

www.thefirsatridgmont.co.uk

GREAT VALUE AT THE FIRS!Bed & Breakfast from only £25.00 pppn

CONTRACTORS WELCOME

Why not call in for one of our FAMOUS ALL DAY BREAKFASTS?

Plus … Teas, coffees, sandwiches, rolls and a large selection of home cooked meals at

£5.00 or less! Eat in or take away

Friday March 18th sees a huge Charity Dance to be held at Parkside Hall in Ampthill. The event is to celebrate The Fuddler’s 100th edition next month and is being held to raise money for Alzheimer's research. (Charity no: 296645)Starting at 7.33 the event promises to be fun for everyone with all types of dance music being played by Paul Roberts and his Dance Band! There will also be a licensed bar and tickets, priced at £10.00 to include a table buffet, will be available from March 1st. See our ad on page 25.

Sharman LawS O L I C I T O R SIncorporating Sharman & Trethewy

The Solicitors who care for you,your family and your business

1 Harpur Street, BedfordTelephone: 01234 30 30 30

Email: [email protected]: www.SharmanLaw.co.uk

88 Dunstable Street, AmpthillTelephone: 01525 750 750


Across: 1 Orate, 4 Shame, 10 Almanac, 11 Tinge, 12 Mange, 13 Illegal, 15 Name, 17 Irate, 19 Abort, 22 Ride, 25 Neutron, 27 Rodin, 29 Poise, 30 Predict, 31 Bezel, 32 Skink

Down: 2 Roman, 3 Tangent, 5 Hotel, 6 Manager, 7 Balmy, 8 Scrim, 9 Belly, 14 Lead, 16 Aero, 18 Reunite, 20 Berserk, 21 Snipe, 23 Inept, 24 Gnats, 26 Reeve, 28 Deign

“The Fuddler” i s pub l i she d by MDA Publications and printed by Fidelity. The views expressed herein are not necessarily those of the publisher. No part of this publication may be copied in any form or by any means without written permission of the Publisher. Copyright MDA Publications. Like to book an ad, or ask about our absurdly low rates please ring Martin on

A BRIANISM

When I read about the evils of drinking, I

gave up reading.

LORD DEE’S PONDERINGS

Now, regarding the Fuddler awards

luncheon. I had to advise Duster and

Check-It-Out that I was appalled to be

nominated not once but twice for the most

forgettable report of 2010. Really!

Such impertinence! I must, however, send Birthday felicitations

to the Lady Miriam for the 18th February.

Ciao

Visit our showroom. Over 70 modern andtraditional fireplaces and stoves on display.

1, Woburn Street, Ampthill, Beds

Tel: 01525 841199www.ampthillfireplaces.co.uk

Mon - Fri: 10am - 5pm Sat: 10am - 4pm

February Offer Bring this

99th Edition of The Fuddler

to Ampthill Fireplaces and claim a FREE bag of logs*

*Offer open to the first 10 customers only

Safety Continuity PAT Testing

Call Paul for a down to earth quote

Email: [email protected] Tel: 01525 716 936 Mob: 07931 935120


Westoning Post Office and StoresTelephone: 01525 712675

UNDER NEW MANAGEMENTLonger opening hours ...Monday to Friday 6am to 8pm

Saturday 7am to 8pmSunday 7am to 2pm

(Post Office 9 am to 5.30 pm Mon - Fri, Saturday 9 am to 12.30 pm

Special offers in store on alcohol and all stock reduced to competitive prices .....

A new look store coming soon .....

Come in and meet us and see the changes for yourselfHarvey, Sarina, Tara and Kay

Debit & Credit Card Payments accepted - ATM Machine arriving soon


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Here’s another of Marjorie’s splendid quick crosswords ...

Euphonium

U

H

U

P

E I

NM

O

Sandra’s working her way through her new big book (dictionary?) so she’s found lots more words for us! See whether or not this one jumps put at you. (Answer at the bottom of the page if it doesn’t!)

Across:1 Crucifix (4) 3 Orientation (8) 9 Exorbitant (5) 10 Quandary (7) 11 Work out (3) 13 Vessel (9) 14 Toxopholite (6) 16 Entrust (6) 18 Cash Title anag (9) 20 Jamaican pop music (3) 22 Quiescent (7) 23 Speedy (5) 25 Balderdash (8) 26 Celebrity (4)

Down: 1 Oxidises (5) 2 In arrears (3) 4 Denouement (6) 5 Liberate (7) 6 Assigns (9) 7 Small bird (7) 8 Majestic (4) 12 I can crash anag (9) 14 Arabian Nights hero (7) 15 Hoist (7) 17 Unnatural grimace (6) 19 Ilk (4) 21 Snake (5) 24 Place (3)

*Maintenance *Drainage *Driveways

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Contact: Andi Brackenridge T: 07789 681252Email: [email protected]

J H ELECTRICAL

AND PROPERTY MAINTENANCE SERVICES

• DOMESTIC • INDUSTRIAL • COMMERCIAL

24 HR CALLOUT AVAILABLE All electrical work undertaken

email: [email protected]

Building Preservation Specialists Damp ProofingWoodworm TreatmentsDry / Wet Rot TreatmentsBasement Waterproofing

Telephone/Fax (01525) 406655Mobile: 07850 727752 email: [email protected]

16 Tavistock Avenue, Ampthill, Bedford. MK45 2RY


THE NEW GRANYTE TROUSERS

2626 9699 New Granyte holster

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2622 9699 New Granyte

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Dual Layered Knee pockets

Triple Stitched

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Water Repellent

Dust Repellent

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£68 £58

R

Rugged & Tough Ltd (Opposite Post Office) Hockliffe, LU7 9LS 01525 211488

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Get Ready for Spring

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Buy 5 x Work Grade Polos

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With Geoffrey THE Golfer Cyril is an avid golfer. Every Saturday morning he has an early tee time. He rises early, keen and eager to get to the golf course. He golfs all day, sometimes 36 holes. One Saturday he got up early, dressed quietly, retrieved his clubs from the cupboard, got in his car and got ready to drive to the course.The weather was dreadful. The rain was coming down in torrents, sometimes with a bit of snow and sleet

mixed in, the wind was blowing a 50 mph gale. So he got out of his car, went back into the house, and tuned into the weather forecast for the day. He found out the atrocious weather was to continue, so he put the clubs back into the cupboard, went back upstairs, got undressed and slipped back into bed. There he cuddled up to his wife and whispered ‘the weather’s terrible out there.’ To which his wife sleepily replied ‘Can you believe my stupid husband went golfing in this?’

GTG

‘I fink I’ve said somefink silly again. I saw a stuffed tiger’s head in a bar and asked if its eyes were real.’

With Hayley - D.I. Right! Who's nicked the unmentionables? Own up or you sill be in unmentionable trouble! - See, we know who you are!

We have received an electronic missive from our chum the Meerkat to say that she hasn’t lost the plot but she is currently busy working on a story about her mischievous feline friend ‘Benedictus’. As she said last month, Meerkat wants to tell us all about his latest adventures and escapades which hopefully she will send to us in time for our very special edition in March! Thank you for that news Meerkat and we look forward to next month!

Investigates, determines and treats the cause of disease for a wide range of common health issues in people of all ages eg eczema and other skin complaints, hayfever, whiplash, anxiety, depression, period pain and other menstrual problems, recurrent infections eg tonsillitis,. Specialist in women’s, babies and children’s health.

Plus:

Constantia Clinic, Rectory Road, Steppingley, Bedfordshire, MK45 5AT 100 yards from French Horn pub *Not a registered medical practitioner

Classical osteopathic medicine Homeopathy Ayurvedic medicine Meditation Help with conception & pregnancy

Cranial Osteopathy Allergy diagnosis and treatment Life coaching Stress management Help with childhood asthma, eczema etc

Constantia Clinic www.constantiaclinic.co.uk 01525 719588

Primary Care Physician* in Natural Medicine Dr Julia Spivack BSc (Hons), DO, MSCC, MICO, Dip Hom, MSc (Ayur)

Do you need help?! I run an established Ironing Business. I collect your ironing from you and drop back to you at a

time to suit you, I can even provide the bag to fill if you need! I can iron regularly for you, or just as and when it suits you. (Even one off’s when you get back from holiday!)

For more information including prices please telephone Lesley on 01582 881090 or 07811 122861

AT HOME OR WORK Full and part valets, Hand washed and polished

Seats and carpets cleaned Call Nigel on 01525 261485

Mobile 07977 605987 email: [email protected]


“Come in and fall in love with our range of flooring!”


With Jimmy The Voice It’s Valentines! As there is so much love in the air, Jimmy has been very kind to us this month and sent in what he considers to be a simple and straightforward illusion...... Apparently all we have to do is to count the pencils! We don’t think he’s quite right!

By Julio Van Peebles 1) Will your answer to this question be 'no' ? 2) What was the best thing before sliced bread ? 3) Is there another word for synonym ? 4) Why is marmalade not called orange jam ? 5) Where is the middle of nowhere ?

Julio’s Top Tip: Make people think you own the road by driving as close as you can to the car in front of you, and with your headlights and fog lights on for no apparent reason !!

With Mrs Pinkleton

‘You should never help a baby to walk because if falls down and cuts its knee and you always get a smack.’ Christopher, aged 6 ‘My teacher is very cruel. She smacks people all day and she eats frogs legs and makes cross spells. I don’t like her because she says I tell fibs.’ Simon, aged 6

Nik Martin GHSC Registered Counsellor & Hypnotherapist

Phobias, anxiety, stress, depression, addictions, confidence, relationship and sleep problems

Evening & Saturday appointments available

Call 01908 760475www.nik-martin.co.uk

Do your feet need some TLC? Home visits to treat corns, verrucas, hard skin, bunions etc.

Please phone:Michael Cooke,

Foothealth Professional 01234 300188

or 07881 820788

DON’T FORGET - MARCH IS THE FUDDLER’S 100th EDITION! TO BOOK AN ADVERTISEMNT IN THIS VERY SPECIAL ISSUE PLEASE CALL MARTIN ON 01525 841434, BUT BE QUICK!

Happy Birthday to ‘The Wheeze’ for

29th February!

• • •

• •


Babs was very excited again. She managed to get a job in a fast food outlet. A customer came in and wanted to buy two ‘Family Specials’. He asked for one regular and one extra crispy. Babs replied that she couldn’t do that and went on to explain that the firm were pushing their regular, so she was unable to sell a whole bucket of extra crispy. ‘But’ she added ‘I could make it half and half.’ ‘You mean you can sell me a whole family dinner with half regular and half extra-crispy’ said the customer ‘and also sell me another one just like it?’ ‘Yes’ replied Babs sensibly - and did.

Beauty isn't being able to shop in fancy stores where you have to empty your wallet to buy something in a bottle the size of a gumdrop. I need ten hours sleep a day. Eight at night. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? My friend’s husband is so silly that, with safety in mind, he decided to look for fireproof matches. Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. When you have a stressful problem run away from it. Fast as you can. Rule of life: the night you can’t be bothered to go out, your hair will be looking too good to stay in. I realise reliability is important, but so is my need to remain an enigma. I’m not gossiping - it’s called knowledge sharing. Take it easy - but take it. And I still can’t believe the editor is 100 next month!?! 1 Poetry, 2 Charles Van Depoele,

3 The ear, 4 Sheep, 5 Herring, 6 Walt Disney, 7 1769, 8 In the sky - it’s a star, 9 Aircraft engine, 10 Pope Gelasius I

1. I f y o u s u f f e r f r o m ‘Metrophobia’ of what are you frightened?

2. Who invented the electric railway?

3. Where would you find the ‘Tunnel of Corti’?

4. What is a ‘Gromark’? 5. ‘A Gleam’ is the collective

term for which creature? 6. Who, in his early career, had a

job as an apple masher in a jelly factory?

7. In what year did Edward Beran patent the Venetian Blind?

8. Where would you find ‘Cygni’? 9. What is a ‘Wolseley Viper’? 10.Who established Valentine’s

Day?

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BOB AMBLERHOME DESIGNS

CarpentryKitchens - Bedrooms

Home Offices - Bathrooms Replacement Kitchen Doors

Worktops and Built in Appliances A complete design, supply and

installation service01525 405393 ans. phone

Mobile: 07889 058345

Present this coupon at the

THAI CHILLI RESTAURANT

for £10.00off your bill

If there’s four or more dining in!

Thai Chilli Restaurant White Hart Hotel, Ampthill

Tel: 01525 406910


CANCER (June 22-July 23) It’s February! The most romantic month of the year. Now could be a very good time to wear your heart on your sleeve and let them know!

LEO (July 24-August 23) Look around you at all the wonderful things that exist in your world. Do you really want to change it all just on a whim?

VIRGO (Aug 24-Sept 23) There could be good news coming your way concerning a planned travel trip. Could it be that your excursion will be for longer than you thought?

LIBRA (Sept 24-Oct 23) Although work prospects may seem a little gloomy, there should be a light at the end of the tunnel appearing in the next few weeks.

SCORPIO (Oct 24-Nov 22) At the time of the forthcoming full moon you may find that with it comes an exciting opportunity to achieve that which you wish to.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23-Dec 22) If you are about to embark on a new project, be wary of taking unnecessary advice from well wishers - good intentions though they may have.

CAPRICORN (Dec 23-Jan 20) There may be a major decision that you will have to make before too long. Th ink care fu l ly through the ramifications.

AQUARIUS (Jan 21-Feb 19) It may be time to throw caution to the wind and get on with what you wish to do. The planetary alignments indicate good fortune.

PISCES (Feb 20-March 20) After perhaps an unsettling time, things do appear to be heading back to normal. Make sure that loved ones know how you feel.

ARIES (March 21-April 20) There may be a certain excitement in the air for Arians at this time. This could well be due to forthcoming travel plans, or a new idea.

TAURUS (April 21-May 21) The romantic side of you seems to want to show itself this month. Don’t be afraid to let these feelings show - only good can come of it.

GEMINI (May 22-June 21) Although financial commitments can seem onerous just now, the stars foretell a new start for you in the coming weeks.

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Valentine’s Day is on its way And we have loads of gifts and cards for you out on display.

From fancy socks, to great boxes of chocs, Come and see the great range we have in stock.

I have no problem as there is just me, I just keep sending the same card each year, you guessed it,

it’s from me. But if you would like to send me one

Pop in the shop and we will sell you some. (Need the sales you see).

Now let’s get down to doing something nice We can offer you newspapers at half price.

Yes it’s a great offer, this is true, And we can also deliver them straight to you.

This offer will last for thirteen weeks, Come on now calm down I can hear the shrieks (of joy).

The offer is with the Mirror, Independent, Guardian, Express, and The Telegraph,

And remember you will only have to pay half. Our paperboys are all ready to go,

They want to deliver your paper did you know? So please don’t disappoint these little lads,

Without your delivery they will be sad And if you want you can also have your papers saved in store

With a great deal like this come and see us and we’ll tell you more. Oh and good news for all you Fuddler fans,

We will soon be getting a Fuddler stand. So soon the Fuddler will have a nice new display,

Ready for you to take each new issue away. So that’s it from me till the next issue,

Oh and that’s just reminded me we have some great deals on toilet tissue, (4pk a £1)

Hope to see you soon MARTINS NEWSAGENTS 17 CHURCH STREET AMPTHILL.

01525 404314

We are pleased to present our

1st Beer Festival 3rd - 6th March 2011

(Thurs - Sun)

12 Gravity Fed beers plus 12 Hand Pumps at Bar

also Weston’s Old Rosie + traditional Cider and

Country Perry

Musical entertainment on the first night (Thurs)

Full details available soon: Contact Russell at The Albion

01525 634857

The Number 1 Ironing and Laundry Service

Professional, high quality and friendly service

Free delivery and collection

Drop-in and collect service available ( Open from 8 am daily )

Optional same day service

For further information contact

LOUISE on01525 841114 Or see our website at

www.pressed4time.info

31, Russell Drive, Ampthill MK45 2TX


Ampthill Town CC will this summer be fielding 4 senior elevens on both Saturday & Sunday. On Saturday the first & second elevens will compete in the Saracens Hertfordshire League with the third & fourth eleven taking part in the more local Millman Competition. Sunday all four elevens will take part in the Bedfordshire County League We also have a Mid-Week XI entering the Cup Competitions as organised by the East Beds Charity Shield. Indoor nets are on from Thursday 17th March to the 14th April at Marston Vale Middle School in Stewartby between 8pm & 10pm. Practice during the season will take place on Wednesday nights on our Park ground. More details from Ian Smith 07880 850269, or [email protected] We shall be running youth teams at Under 10, 12, 14 & 16. To join this popular section of the club please contact Graeme Presswell on 07946 863262 or email [email protected] On Sunday 8th May we shall be hosting Bedfordshire CCC vs. Hertfordshire CCC in a 50 over a side game starting at 11am.

A very Happy Birthday to Miriam for 18th February

xx

Happy Birthday to JD for the 13th February and very best of luck with your adventure!

Registered Member of The British Chiropody and Podiatry Association HPC Registration No. CH17913

THERESE GRAY FSSCh. Dip Pod Med. MBChA. Chiropodist/Podiatrist Surgery By Appointment

Telephone: 01525 841845 Email: [email protected]

Corns, calluses, nails, bunions,verrucae, foot health advice,

shoe advice, hot wax treatments,reflexology and one hour

foot pamper.Gift Vouchers availableICE Integrated Clinical Excellence

35 Russell Drive Ampthill MK45 2TX

First Floor, 9 Church StreetAmpthill, Beds MK45 2PL

telephone: 01525 404357www.petticoatsonline.co.uk

Valentines Lingerie at

PetticoatsOpening hours:

Mon-Fri 9.30am-5.00pm

Sat: 9.30-4.00pm

Sun: Closed


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Kindly sent to us by an avid reader ‘The budget should be balanced, the Treasury should be refilled, public debt should be reduced, the arrogance of officialdom should be tempered and controlled, and the assistance to foreign lands should be curtailed lest Rome become bankrupt. People must again learn to work, instead of living on public assistance.’Cicero - 55BC Evidently, nothing!

Since 1985 Rotary have been fundraising to eradicate Polio. When they started the campaign Polio was endemic in 125 countries. 25 years later it remains in only 4 countries and Rotary are determined to finish the task. This February around the world they will be raising awareness and fundraising. In the UK 225,000 purple crocus bulbs were planted in October and when they flower in February in it will act as a potent reminder of what people working together can achieve.In Ampthill there will be a 2 day collection in Waitrose. On 25th February there will be a cake stall in the Market Square. All the local schools are supporting the campaign. Look out for posters advertising other fund raising events. Last year Ampthill raised nearly £4,000 in a week and thus enabled 18,500 children to be immunised.

We take care of EVERYTHING WE WILL DESIGN

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With Andy of Andover YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2011 when...1.You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave. 2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. 3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three. 4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. 5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses. 6. You pull up in your own drive and use your mobile phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the shopping. 7. Every advertisement on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen. 8. Leaving the house without your mobile, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it. 10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee 11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) 12 You're reading this and nodding and laughing. 13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to show this. 14. You are too busy to notice there wasn’t a ‘number 9’ on this list. 15. You actually checked to make sure that there wasn't a ‘number 9’ on this list . Well, thanks for that insight!

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Here’s a bit more nonsense that one of our kind readers sent in: Take the last two digits of the year you were born, and then add to it your age this year you will arrive at a number ... Look at the bottom of the page to see if I am right!

Another true story from the f i l e s o f o u r c r i m e correspondent: A robber in Chicago held up a convenience store, but didn’t think the till contained enough cash, so he put on an overall and worked for 2 hours to boost the takings, by which time the police arrived and arrested him.

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. However, their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, ‘What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?’ ‘I give it to them,’ replied the lawyer, ‘and then I send them a bill.’ The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he returned from posting them he found a bill from the lawyer.

111

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Henry, Gladys, Mrs F., and myself turned up at Parkside Hall in Ampthill to attend the inaugural performance at The Zonita, Ampthill’s Community Cinema. The red carpet was out so we naturally thought that it was for us. Alack and alas! It was for Ampthill’s Mayor and the various dignitaries associated with this new and exciting monthly venture. Taking our seats after a brief snifter in the bar, Gladys couldn’t help but to pop to the popcorn counter before the big picture started. The Shawshank Redemption was the film on offer - shown on a massive screen with the latest hi tech equipment - and what a cracker it was! Virtually every seat in the house was taken and it has to be said it was truly a pleasure to slip back to yesteryear and enjoy, as the advertisements said, ‘The Golden Days of Cinema’! Apparently the children’s matinee in the afternoon was packed too, so long may Zonita continue! For details of their next productions email [email protected]

With Archie Fairweather

I am currently back on your TV screens having a terrific amount of fun in another series of an immensely popular show! At least I don’t have to look round that wretched wall! You’ll find the answer at the foot of the page.

Kelly Adams from ‘Hustle’

‘I didn’t want to send you an email that early in the morning in case I woke you.’ (Name and address withheld at Fluffy’s Mum’s request.)

Spotted by an eagle eyed reader who very kindly sent it in: ‘We do not tear clothing with our machinery. We do it carefully by hand.’ (Dry Cleaners)Thanks again for that one.

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Monday 14th February VALENTINE’S DAY!

Daniel has created an extra special menu for this most romantic of days. Please pop in or give him a call for all the details or to book your table.

Tuesday 1st March ST DAVID’S DAY!

Why not pop in and challenge Daniel to create for you a traditional Stiw Eidion Cymreig (Welsh Beef Stew), orperhaps really throw down the gauntlet and request a Oen Cymreig â Mêl (Honeyed Welsh Lamb).

Tuesday 8th March SHROVE TUESDAY!

And pancakes for everyone! Just let us know what you’d like and Daniel will create it for you!

Richard, Daniel, The Mannequins and the team look forward to welcoming you.

SUNDAY ROASTSThe astounding demand for professional chef Daniel’s Sunday Roasts continues and continues! We have to recommend that you pre-book your table well in advance!

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QUIZ NIGHT EVERY WEDNESDAYWith our resident Quizmaster and his lovely assistant - starts at 9.00 pm - why not have a go? Also:Comfortable smoking area with additional heating installed! 2 bars plus cosy lounge ideal for private conversations, meetings, book clubs etc - pop in and have a look!


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This year’s three-day Festival will begin with AmpRocks in the Park on Friday 8th July. This is followed by the fantastically successful Proms in the Park on Saturday 9th

(get your tickets as soon as they go on sale this year!). Concluding with the Gala Day and Parade on Sunday 10th

There are lots of exciting fund-raising events planned between now and then including a wine-tasting evening, a Bumper Quiz Night, a superb Petanque competition,Ampthill Gardens Open Day and many more! A sponsored Dog Fun Day and Walk in Ampthill Park is also planned for September. Details of all the above will be published in The Fuddler, the local press and our Festival Website at www.ampthillfestival.co.uk

JOIN OUR PARADE! Do you have an artistic flair? Would like to come and join in with us in this year’s Ampthill Festival Parade? If so, please contact Clare at [email protected] or visit the Ampthill Festival website at www.ampthillfestival.co.uk

FARMERS MARKETS The Farmers Market in Woburn is held on the third Sunday of every month at The Pitchings, whilst Ampthill Farmers Market is held on the last Saturday of each month at their new home at The Prince of Wales in Bedford Street, Ampthill. Don’t forget The Charter Market in Ampthill every Thursday and Flitwick Market on Fridays!

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With Pattie Newts D.H. Lawrence wrote “The greatest virtue in life is real courage that knows how to face facts and live beyond them” It was wonderful, in this rather mixed up world of ours, where violence, sex and strong language seem to dominate, to actually see a film where these traits were not the dominant factors. Yet, this film seems to have the ability to hold the attention of its audience from beginning to end. Yes, there was strong language, but, it was so relevant to the authentic story and therefore to leave it out in this case would have diluted the story to the extent of meaninglessness. I am talking about the latest film ‘The Kings Speech’. The film is the courageous story of one mans ability in the public eye, to face the adversity of a speech impediment full on and conquer it. The casting of characters is excellent; the acting superb with even clever and respectful humour and the settings austere enough to portray the full meaning of the period of time. All this goes along way to make this film probably the best made for many years. As the story unfolds from the first speech delivered by a Duke (later to be our King) at Wembley Stadium, where every second of his agony was felt by those who heard it as he struggled to deliver but in desperation failed so miserably and was publicly humiliated; continuing on through the lives of a very dysfunctional first family, to the success of his first speech as King at the out break of WW2, brings a new dimension to the meaning of the word courage. Go and see it because for around two hours you will become, quite unwittingly, part of our history and heritage. What an experience.

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CONTINUATION OF ROCKET’S GRAND TOUR ON A BMW MOTORCYCLE

(copied from his daily journal) Day 3 - 20th Oct 2010

Woke up around 7am to the sound of church bells. Going to keep heading south on the N85 to Nice, which is the route Napoleon took when he was exiled to Elba. Had another bath in the most ridiculously small bath I have ever seen (no, it was not the bidet- as my mother suggested when she read this!) Got to go and find reception to pay and get my passport back, nobody around so while I wait I will set up my bike phone charger and have a look at the rear shocks which seem very saggy. I read the manual and found the reason why, its set on soft, not hard! Eventually found lady on reception, apparently you have to walk to the other hotel/ restaurant to check out. On the road again, stopped in a place called Gap briefly at 10-30am, roads and scenery still unbelievable, just wish I had a lighter bike and normal tyres. Stopped to admire scenery at 11-25am 893 miles. Still on N85. Sun is now shining and it is very warm, but dare not take my waterproofs and leggings off. Stopped to look at the Citroen museum, but it is closed until 14-00, shame its now only 11-48am- too long to wait. Stopped again at 12-21, 925 miles. Got hang of these bends now. I take back what I said about having a lighter bike as I would have been blown off across the mountains. My backside is aching less now I have taken my leggings off. I just heard someone cough in this very quiet bit of France, sounds just like Phil Sharpe! Now in Pays de Grasse, went through Nice, very beautiful and hot. Taken off a few more layers. Standing overlooking the harbour. Don’t know whether to bother going to Monaco, might just ride in and out so I can say I’ve been there. It’s 14-10pm, 971miles and my ears have gone “pop”. Put sat nav on, it peaked at 4,122 feet above sea level, that was equivalent to halfway through the Alps. Going to ride in and out of Monaco- not going to pay Monaco prices for a hotel! Managed to fill up with petrol in Nice. Perhaps the French strikes have not reached the South of France yet. 15-11pm stopped in Monte Carlo, took a look at the famous Casino. Found the coast road again after getting stuck at the toll booth and the barrier coming down on me! Finally found a camp site for 20 euro a night. The owner is a nice chap who has a motor bike and wants to go to Spain, but not Morroco, he says it is too dangerous on your own. Got tent up and sleeping arrangements sorted out in no time. Went to the restaurant and ordered pizza and coke, cost 12euro for pizza. I didn’t think anywhere in the world was dearer than Ampthill. Been for a walk into the town, called Agay, not to walk the pizza off, but to reflect on how much it was. The quicker I get away from this touristy part of France the better! It might be just me, but they do not seem to like the English too much down this area, perhaps we did not get as far as the South of France to liberate them in the last war! To be continued ....

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It’s The Fuddler’s

100th EDITION IN MARCH!!

(If you’d like an ad please ring Martin on 01525 841434 !!)

And to celebrate we are holding a

CHARITY DANCE At Parkside Hall in Ampthill on Friday March 18th

in aid of Alzheimer's Research (Charity no: 296645)

Dancing to Paul Roberts and his Dance Band there will be all types of music for all types of dance - ranging from a genteel Waltz to the more

energetic Quickstep and the even more energetic Jive!!

The theme for the evening is ‘Hollywood’ so if you wish, though not compulsory, you could come along as your favourite film star, glamorous

or not, in fact as far as costumes are concerned - anything goes!

There’s also a licensed bar with hopefully our own ‘Old Fuddler’ beer!!

Ticket are priced at £10.00 to include a table buffet and will be available from early March at selected outlets. Watch out for posters round town or see thefuddler.com for details.

So, book your baby sitter, grab your dancing shoes and come on down!

To reserve your ticket(s) in advance please email [email protected] or telephone 01525 841434.


By Henry Flagstaff Gladys told me to get out from under her feet so I took the opportunity to scamper along to the library to see what I could find. Perusing the ‘Thriller’ department amongst the shelves, I was drawn to a writer that I had not previously read - a lady called Karen Rose. On the front of the book it said ‘The Sunday Times Top Ten Best Seller’ so I thought it should be good. Good? It is absolutely tremendous! Even as I stood in the Library

reading the first page I could have read more there and then! I couldn’t wait to return to the wing back. The story revolves around a psychiatrist who someone is terrorising - tormenting her patients to commit suicide and then setting her up to take the blame. I can’t reveal more as it would spoil the plot, save to say that I would wager if you picked this book up you would not be able to put it down! Even the malt took second place!

HF

Ampthill Open Gardens(as part of the 2011 Ampthill Festival)

A MESSAGE FOR ALL AMPTHILL GARDENERS

We are looking for gardeners who would be willing to participate in AMPTHILL OPEN GARDENS as part of the 2011 Ampthill Festival. Thirteen gardens opened to the public last year for the first time and over 300 people took the opportunity to visit a variety of gardens. We are proposing to repeat the event this year and are anxious to include new gardens. Your garden doesn’t have to be big, beautiful or immaculate, just interesting! The odd weed gives character, after all! It can be any shape or size with any style of planting. The proposed opening day is Sunday 26 June and the only stipulation is that you are a resident of Ampthill.

If you are interested and would like more details, please contact Angie Murdoch on 01525 403076 (mobile 07736 452131) or email to [email protected]

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Honky Tonk Music By Paul Roberts

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Now for something a little different! Another recipe from one of our avid readers:

TROPICAL PORK CHOPS

For 4 people you will need: 4 pork chops 25 gm lard 1/2 pint orange juice 2 tbs brown sugar 1 tsp ginger 1 tsp salt Pepper 1/4 tsp Tabasco 1 tbs cornflour 1 tbs water 4 pineapple slices, halved 4 slices orange A little something to slurp whilst cooking. Firstly pre heat the oven to about 180 c. Then take a pan, melt the lard

brown the chops on both sides and pop in a casserole dish. Mix up the orange juice with sugar, ginger, salt, pepper and Tabasco and pour over the chops. Then bake in the centre of the oven for about an hour. (The chops - not you!)Drain chops and place them on a hot serving dish and keep warm. (again not you!)Mix up the cornflour and water with meat juices and cook until sauce has boiled and thickened. Garnish chops with orange and pineapple slices and pour the sauce over. Then, after a crafty slurp, serve with creamed potatoes and enjoy!

Thanks for that one

With Ann, Robin & Son, We are pleased to bring you some more of those unbelievable answers that contestants have come up with on various game shows:

1) What name is given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time ?.......Nostalgia

2) EAT is an anagram of which hot drink ?.........Hot chocolate

3) Where is Cambridge university ?........................Leicester 4) Who played 007 in the 1989 film ‘Licensed to Kill?’.......

James Bond 5) Name a game you can play in the bath ?...........Scuba

diving 6) Where were the most recent winter Olympics

held ?.....Taunton 7) What is the capital of Italy ?................................Benidorm 8) What was Bram Stokers ' most famous

creation ?......Branston pickle 9) How many years are there in two decades ?.................200 10) How many kings of England have been called

Henry ?..Well there's Henry VIII, Er?.....3

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I KNOW WHAT MADE THOSE

MARKSSicily 1971 Carrying on from the tale about stealing boats, this is probably a bit embarrassing, When ignorant folk make judgements about intelligent people with experience, qualifications and peer group acceptance, the ignorant fellow is usually wrong! In this tale it is almost certainly ME. On the Marine archaeology Expedition in West Sicily that I joined, there were many professions skills and trades represented, apart from the academic archaeologists there were engineers, photographers, d r a u g h t s m e n ( / w o m e n ) , historians, divers, but most of the folk had at least two skills that were of use; for instance most of us could cook! Having said that, people came and went, so while I was there 30 - 40 people may have been on site but never more than ten at any one time. There was not a lot for me to do in daylight, so I found myself looking for things I could do, like making a system to wash developed film in a minimum of distilled water without washing away the whole negative with solar heated water, or finding some old concrete reinforcing steel from which I could fabricate a BBQ grill. Several of the people I met during the expedition have gone on to great things, (several arrived with great things behind them). Amongst these people were a few who, like me enjoyed the odd practical joke. I remember two that were discussed, we would buy a modern amphora in the market, (design not changed in centuries), drop it in the vicinity of the wreck site and after a suitable delay, recover said amphora and see what the other members of the team

made of it. Now I am sure this subterfuge never materialised but it was a mind game and we pranksters were sure that the result would be just like what did happen when real stuff was brought up. The real test came when a length of timber was brought up. Because it may have been ancient, such artefacts would be carefully splinted between other timbers. After long examination the discussion became academic and the archaeologists shared their thoughts. It seemed to me that this process was mainly comprised of exchanging book titles, authors and topics, almost a war of attrition, who ever ran on out of sources last, won. I know this is false but that is how it seemed; back to the wooden plank that was brought up. A long discussion ensued during which many opinions were aired with the usual exchange of authors and title. Eventually one of the team said, “I know what made those marks”. The fellow was an engineer having a year out from Uni. The academics looked at him with a hint of distain but gave him the floor. He said “ I think those marks were made by a band saw” (not a tool of preference during the Punic wars!) The plank had probably fallen off a boat within the previous 20 years! He-Ho.I n t h i s i n s t a n c e t h e archaeologists wanted the wood to be old and related to the wreck and were a bit angry with them selves to be so wrong. But I have since learned that generally, discussions that they had, such as this one, were simply over my head, they were making sense to each other! They just got it wrong on that occasion.

Prof Reginald V Q da Ghama IPAWith kind permission of Jim Barr

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Answers by email to [email protected] or on a postcard to The Fuddler, PO Box 756 Ampthill Bedford MK45 2WZ Answer next month!

With Lauren Louella Boughalls Greetings to everyone, and thanks for all your kind comments about my little competition! Well done to Michael and everyone else who correctly identified last month’s picture as the Church at Eversholt. This month Algi and I have again been out and about cycling round the villages (clue!) and I couldn’t resist snapping this lovely roof belonging to a well known building. But can you identify it?


Here we bring you some more from the whimsical world of Montgolfier: Had Christmas card posted in Walnut Tree in Milton Keynes on December 16th. It arrived in Eversholt on January 11th. A total of 26 days. Could this be a record? Notes on Christmas cards: 1. ‘We are all well; I’ve just had the rest of my teeth out and had a new gas cooker fitted.’ 2. ‘I am writing this card slowly as I know you are not fast reader.’Over heard in a local tearoom: ‘We were going to have aggs on toast for Christmas but we’d run out of eggs and the wife couldn’t find the recipe for toast.’ I would cure the country’s snow problem by having a scrappage scheme for all cars so we could each buy a nice big tractor. You see people walking round talking to people on mobile phones and they are gesticulating when the person they are talking to can’t see them. Why? I asked a friend if it was him who I heard playing a mouthorgan He said ‘No, it may have been our Monica.’ From a three year old: ‘Grandma, why do onions make your eyes leak?’ By the way did you know that a house in Eversholt has an air raid shelter opposite the rear door? It is still in perfect condition and was built for Winston Churchill when he used to visit during World War II. I think all small print should be banned.

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Episode 25:French Lessons

(part 2) Joie de Vivre ... Continued from last month ... When we were not eating I went for nice walks or cycle rides with my new friend, secretly I imagined her as my girlfriend, although I was far too shy to make any such official suggestion to Francoise personally. On one occasion we cycled to Carnac, just a few miles away. Carnac has an exceptional amount of stone megalithic sites, alignments, single stones, tumuli and

dolmens or portal tombs, more than 3,000 prehistoric stones were erected from local stone and are the largest collection of such monuments in the world. Francoise told me that local tradition says that the long perfectly straight columns represent a Roman legion turned to stone by Merlin the Arthurian wizard. Monday morning brought an end to the magic of my visit to France, when it was discovered who I was staying with I was immediately swapped with a boring little French lad called Damien and the boy’s father was also one of the

teachers in the school in Vannes who were in the exchange programme. At least I saw Francoise at school during the day and I did have her as my unofficial date at the party on the Friday. We stayed in touch as pen friends for a few years until she went off to university but I never did see her again, she and her family moved to Provence before the school in Vannes came to the UK for the return visit later that year, Damien did however come over and was just as boring as he was before. As always the characters and places in this story are real and any resemblance to reality is purely intentional.

We are pleased to bring you the above picture from Sil’s splendid collection of old postcards. Thanks once again, Sil!

‘Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.’

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Based in Flitwick Your local specialist in UPVC for:- Windows, Doors, Patio Doors and

French Doors, Conservatories Fascia, Soffit and Guttering

Our windows and doors are 70mm internally glazed for security. All windows are fitted with fire hinges, locking handles, a twin action espagnolette mushroom headed bolt system, and with vent facility. Doors are fitted with claw and mortice lock, and panels are reinforced. Fully compliant with current FENSA Regulations, plus insurance backed guarantee.

ARAGON WINDOWSARAGON WINDOWS

CHRIS FREEMAN Tel/Fax 01525 403992

50 Russell Drive Ampthill Beds Established in 1990 and built on reputation

Extensions Conservatories & Windows Kitchens & Bathrooms Fencing PatiosElectrical And … Lots More!

ALL TYPES OF GROUNDWORKUNDERTAKEN.

Driveways, Patios etc.Please call for free quotation

The Fuddler February 2011

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Transcript of The Fuddler February 2011