The Fuddler January 2010

When you advertise in The Fuddler - you’re on line too at www.thefuddler.com!

UK’SBEST SMALLCRUISEAGENCY2008

Over 100 years

of travel experience

Cruised With

over 25cruise lines

Sailed on over 50

cruise ships

Make Cruise Select your first port of call

Book with ConfidenceOur very dedicated small & friendly team of cruise specialists can help you with all that is going on in the ‘World of Cruising’. We offer excellent savings on all cruise lines.

WHITEHARTAMPTHILL.CO.UK 10 FANTASTIC EN SUITE DOUBLE ROOMS

SUNDAY ROAST SERVED FROM 12.00 - 6.00 All new fresh bar menu now being served all day Party the night away at The Cellar Bar as normal

Friday & Saturday nights.

Tel: 01525 406863

DROVERS ARMS of STEPPINGLEY Fine Indian Restaurant Dining in and Takeaway

Tel: 01525 715697 www.droversarms.eu

C&R PEST MANAGEMENT

40 Yrs experience Fully Insured Special Rates for OAPS!

Wasps, Rats, Mice, Rabbits, Moles, etc

Free Estimate01525 288207

07500 431131

Do you need a venue for a Friday or

Saturday night party?

Ampthill Town FC offers a fully licensed bar,

excellent catering facilities and capacity for 80 people

For further information, contact: Pauline Marlow

01525-750217

FIXED PRICE AERIAL

INSTALLATIONS

See our ad on page 26 D & G SHORT

NEED A LOCKSMITH?

Please turn to our ad

on page 18

Plus - All aspects of

home security

Hi everyone! We sincerely hope you had a splendid Christmas, and we wish you all a very Happy New Year! Welcome to this the first Fuddler of the new decade and we hope you enjoy the issue. As always there’s lots of fun and nonsense inside, plus useful information

about things going on and of course lots of important me s s a ge s f r o m o u r advertisers showing time and time again that ‘Whatever you are looking for - you’ll find it in TheFuddler!’ If you would like to advertise with us all our details are on page four.

Sharman LawS O L I C I T O R SIncorporating Sharman & Trethewy

The Solicitors who care for you,your family and your business

1 Harpur Street, BedfordTelephone: 01234 30 30 30

Email: [email protected]: www.SharmanLaw.co.uk

88 Dunstable Street, AmpthillTelephone: 01525 750 750


CHINESE and PEKING CUISINE

111, Dunstable Street, Ampthill Telephone: 01525 840096

Eddie has tried very hard to help charities by donating a meal at The Dew Drop.

Unfortunately the charities turned him down in case people were too frightened

to win the raffle because if they won they would have to go to The Dew Drop and

Eddie would force them to finish their meal before they could leave.

Even the organiser turned him down!

33, RUSSELL DRIVE AMPTHILL

With Winter very much here, isn’t it time you considered replacing those doors and windows? Or maybe a new conservatory to enjoy. Don’t compromise on style - call into our showroom and see our stunning range of doors and windows including “The Composite Door”.

No window or glazing job too small.


Free, confidential help from Mid Beds Citizens Advice Bureau

Every Thursday morning from Mid Beds Citizens Advice Bureau operate an outreach service in the Orchard Children’s Centre in Shefford. The service offers free, confidential sessions to help people receive the help they need on issues such as debt, redundancy, benefits and relationship problems.

Every Thursday 9.30 am-12.30 pm

You don’t need to book an appointment – just turn up!

Shefford Lower School, School Lane, Shefford, Bedfordshire, SG17 5XA.

Our base is in Acorn Pre School's building between Shefford Lower School and Robert Blumfield School,

Access is via School Lane off the Ampthill Road

Funded by the Department for Business Enterprise & Regulatory Reform and HM Treasury

WOBURN SANDS BIG BAND SOCIETY

Listening to Swing, Blues and Jazz on good quality sound equipment

THURSDAY 21st January 2010, 7 pm for 7.30 pmEllen Pettit Memorial Hall, Woburn Sands

New Year Special The George Tarrant Tribute

A selection of George’s own collection : Presented by Phillip Kempton and

Memories of Malcolm Tribute to Malcolm Laycock, Presented by Rex Harris

ENTRY: Members: £2.00, Non members: £3.00 Free car parking available behind the shops in the High Street,

entry from Russell Street Membership application forms available at the desk.

For further information call David Higgs, 01908 583937, or Rex Harris, 01908 281235

Fully Qualified Apprentice Served Established 28 years Experts in all aspects Quality Guaranteed Public Liability Insured Reliable Professional Service Interior & Exterior FREE ESTIMATES

Tel: 01525 280176 Mob: 07759 240 414

For a switched-on, enthusiastic person to join a small friendly team based in central Ampthill

running training seminars and events across the UK.

An excellent telephone manner is essential as well as good people skills, organised and enthusiastic.

Good starting pay, rising for the right person, bonus scheme, healthcare.

Telephone for an informal chat prior to interview.

Call Paula on 01525 841269

VACANCY

Staples Garden Centre, Fordfield Rd, Millbrook, MK45 2HZ Telephone 01525 402959

Workshops & Clubs available - please come in for details We stock card making supplies, decoupage, water colour supplies and much more! DMC Silks, Jewellery, beads and findings. Stockists of wool - Sirdar, Bretts, Peter Pan & Wendy.

ROBIN DOUBLE

KNIT WOOL Was £2.10

NOW £1.49!

Beading club held fortnightly on a Wednesday afternoon for all

Beadaholics! £2.50 for 2 hours! Bring your latest project and meet new friends!

Job Opportunity Rufus Catering Assistant

To provide and serve hot and cold lunches and refreshments to conference delegates,

tenants and visitors.Part time post working 30 hours per week. All applicants will need to be flexible and

work according to the needs of the business.For an application pack and more details see

our website www.therufuscentre.co.uk or www.flitwick.gov.uk

Email: [email protected] Closing date for job application 22nd January 2010

Phone: 01525 631900


Across: 1 Faltered, 7 Peace, 8 Retaliate, 9 Elf, 10 True, 11 Pepper, 13 Thebes, 14 Report, 17 Mutton, 18 Tyre, 20 Rue, 22 Flower-Pot, 23 Story, 24 Fresh air

Down: 1 First, 2 Lettuce, 3 Eels, 4 Enamel, 5 Eager, 6 Perfect, 7 Perplex, 12 Rectify, 13 Tourist, 15 Olympia, 16 Colour, 17 Melon, 19 Enter, 21 Kegs

“The Fuddler” i s p u b l i s hed by MDA Publications and printed by Fidelity Print Solutions. The views expressed herein are not necessarily those of the publisher. No part of this publication may be copied in any form or by any means without written permission of the Publisher. Copyright MDA Publications. Like to book an ad, or ask about our absurdly low rates please ring Martin on

LORD DEE’S PONDERINGS

I had to confess to Duster and Check-It-Out that when I parked my new automobile in the town car park, I popped into the supermarket to buy some provisions and, Crikey, when I came o u t I c o u l d n ’ t remember which car it was. Thank Heavens for those push button car key things. And a Happy New Year to all.

Ciao

A BRIANISM

I must go to the market, I need a new pair of slippers. They

only cost £3.00. If you want matching ones they are £4.00

Beat the cold snap with a new stove

fromAmpthill

FireplacesMon - Fri 10.00 - 5.00

Sat 10.00 - 4.001 Woburn Street Ampthill, Beds

MK45 2HP Tel: 01525 841199

www.ampthillfireplaces.co.uk

MICK HULATT CARPENTRY SERVICES

QUALITY CRAFTSMAN EST.1990 FOR ALL ASPECTS OF

CARPENTRY & BUILDING WORK Call: 01525 713590 or 07949 072133

E-mail: [email protected]

Reasonable Rates Experienced Mechanic

Servicing Spares Repairs ON ALL MAKES OF CARS, MOTORCYCLES

LIGHT COMMERCIALS OLD AND NEW MOT’S ARRANGED, MOT WORK CARRIED OUT


Memory Foam Mattresses Direct from the manufacturer

at trade prices!

WWW.COMFORT MATTRESS.CO.UK

At Comfort Mattress we manufacture and distribute high quality

Memory Foam mattresses locally from Shefford.

We sell direct to the public and trade cutting out the middle men, allowing us to sell a range of foam products at

FANTASTIC low prices!! Take advantage of massive

discounted prices only available from our Factory Outlet at

12C Oldbridge Way, Shefford Ind Est, Beds SG17 5HQ

30% Discount off web site prices with this voucher.

Not to used with any other offer

YOUR LOCAL

No.1For Scooters,

Stairlifts & Mobility

Can’t get to us? Call now to organise a free

no pressure home demonstration with one of our friendly

sales advisors.

Curved & Straight stairlifts available.

New and used Scooters, part ex

welcome. Wheelchairs,

Ramps, Walking Sticks, Grab Rails,

Tri-Walkers, Rollators, Bathlifts, Waterproof Clothing

& much more. For more information call us or

visit our website at www.comforthomecare.co.uk


Here we bring you another of Marjorie’s fine crosswords and she wishes everyone a very happy New Year!

Buffaloes

1 2 3 4 5 6 7

8

9 10

11 12 13

14 15 16

17

18 19 20 21

22 23 24

25 26

B

O

L

F

S U

F E

A

Sandra’s got a brand new big book (dictionary?) and she has brought us another of her hex words! (Nothing to do with the crossword.) Just look at the hexagon and see whether or not the word jumps out at you! (Answer at the bottom of the page if it doesn’t!)

Across: 1 Swamp (4) 3 Vanquishing (8) 9 Hilltop (5) 10 Run for it! (7) 11 Headwear (3) 13 Detonate (9) 14 Capitulate (6) 16 Unanchored (6) 18 Protean (9) 20 Precious stone (3) 22 Forbearing (7) 23 Young eel (5) 25 Choice (8) 26 Engrave (40

Down: 1 Month (5) 2 Stick (3) 4 Oppose (6) 5 Hoarded (7) 6 Implying (9) 7 Vestment (7) 8 Curve (4) 12 Fairness (9) 14 Spin (7) 15 Tidiest (7) 17 Small restaurant (6) 19 Paradise (4) 21 Boggy ground (5) 24 Tank (3)

MATTWEW UNDERWOOD PLUMBING & HEATING

ALL PLUMBING WORK UNDERTAKEN BATHROOM INSTALLATION / REPAIR CENTRAL HEATING INSTALLATION / REPAIR POWER FLUSHING

PLEASE CALL: 07768 962770 email: [email protected] Website: www.mattunderwoodplumbing.co.uk

Garage Door Solutions LtdYour local garage door expert for:

Replacements, Repairs and Spares

All makes & designs available 24 Hour repair service No call out charge All work guaranteed Free quotations

Call us now on: 01525 721615 / 07761 093468

Website: www.garagedoorsolutionsltd.co.uk Or see the yellow pages

3, Woodcock Walk, Flitwick, Bedfordshire, MK 45 1RD

Building Preservation Specialists Damp Proofing Woodworm Treatments Dry / Wet Rot Treatments Basement Waterproofing

Telephone/Fax (01525) 406655Mobile: 07850 727752 email: [email protected]

16 Tavistock Avenue, Ampthill, Bedford. MK45 2RY

Electrical Contractor Domestic and Industrial

Your local Electrical Contractor All types of testing and certification undertaken

FREE QUOTATIONS

NICEIC Approved Contractor

Working with Ampthill Town Council 11 Cedar Close, Ampthill, Bedford, MK45 2UD

Tel & Fax: 01525 714057


FORDFIELD ROAD, MILLBROOK, BEDFORD MK45 2HZ

STAPLES GARDEN CENTRE

Over 50 varieties of seed potatoes - 2 kg £2.99

Onion sets 50 for £1.00

Logs - £2.99 a net

House coal - £7.99 25 kg

Smokeless coal - £11.99 25 kg


This month, Meerkat has decided to go off just to see whether or not she can find the plot! She hopes to be back in March! Watch this space!

‘FLUFFY’ the snow person seems to have

disappeared ...

Last seen working in a bar!

With Geoffrey THE Golfer A young man and a priest are playing golf together. At a short par 3 the priest asks, ‘What are you going to use on this hole, my son?’ The young man says, ‘An iron, Father. How about you?’ The priest says ‘I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray.’ The young man hits his iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards. The young man says, ‘I don't know about you, Father, but in my church when we pray we keep our heads down.’

GTG

‘On the wagon’, a phrase fancifully attributed to prisoners in England who were taken by water-cart to jail – even worse to Tyburn for hanging – and they were allowed one last drink at the local pub before getting back on the cart. A more reliable origin is that of water-wagons, a commonplace in US cities at the turn of the century. They didn't carry drinking water but were used to damp down dusty streets during dry weather. Those who had vowed to give up drink and were tempted to lapse said that they would drink from the water-cart rather than take strong drink. Those who actually lapsed, of course, had ‘fallen off the wagon’.

Definition by Chris Yates

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FG FOR

18th JANUARY! (From the Slitherers!)

Happy Birthday Wendy on 27th January

Love from Keith and all your friends x

BOTOX YOUR HOUSE!

Before … … And after

Give your house an extension and boost it’s value!

Give Stuart Palmer a call fod limited, CHARTERED ARCHITECTS, 21 DUNSTABLE STREET, AMPTHILL MK45 2NJ

T: 01525 406117 Email: [email protected]

HAPPY NEW YEAR TO ALL OUR MEMBERS! We have a large function room available for hire for any special

occasion - £60.00 for members, £110.00 for non members.

ALSO PARKING IS AVAILABLE WITH EASY ACCESS TO THE STATION FOR A NOMINAL FEE

OF £40.00 PER MONTH Members please note - Membership renewals are now due

The Flitwick Club20 High Street, Flitwick, Beds Tel: 01525 751555

BMJ HOME & GARDEN SERVICES

For all those jobs around the house and garden, that you never have time for!

We are an established, reliable trustworthy & a very reasonably priced company.

NO JOB TOO SMALLTel: Joolz or Michael on

01525 211670 Mob: 07871 802815


Rugged & Tough Ltd , Ground Floor, Marlowe House, HOCKLIFFE. LU7 9LS TEL 01525 211488 Email [email protected] Website www.ruggedtough.com

DISCONTINUED OUTERWEAR Up to 50% off

Example:Carhartt EC026 Coat Midnight Blue RRP £165, Our Price WAS £137

NOW £80 VERY LIMITED STOCKS

DISCONTINUED LINES Up to 75% off

TROUSERS & JEANS

VERY LIMITED STOCK AND SIZES

ALL CARHARTT WINTER COATS

20% OFF Example: Ridge Coat Regular Price £165

Event Price £148

Walls Reversible Real Tree to Brown Hooded Jacket Was £99 NOW £69

Carhartt Work Shirts Up to 50% off all long

sleeved Shirts Up to 20% off other brands

Seeland 20% off

all Seeland Jackets & Knitwear

ARMY SURPLUS KIT UP TO 50% OFF SELECTED WINTER LINES NEW ARMY KIT UP TO 25% OFF SELECTED LINES WORK BOOTS UP TO 50% OFF CLEARANCE LINES

UP TO 15% OFF ALL JOBMAN & BLAKLADER OUTERWEAR

VISIT OUR SHOP IN HOCKLIFFE FOR EVEN MORE GREAT OFFERS

Clearance Event Terms and Conditions : CLEARANCE EVENT STARTS 27th DECEMBER AND ENDS MID JANUARY (ALL SUBJECT TO STOCK AVAILABILITY)

This is clearance event to make space in our shop for new spring ranges. We cannot extend the discount for sizes not in stock that would need to be ordered in from our suppliers.


By Julio Van Peebles 1) Why is the last part of the windscreen to defrost the bit in front of your face? 2) Why are family ready meals just enough for two people? 3) Do birds that can't fly wonder why? 4) Why does the bottom of a budgie's cage look like muesli? 5) What happened to Space Dust? Julio's Top Tip: If you ever think that nobody cares if your dead or alive try missing a couple of mortgage payments !

With Jimmy The Voice JTV wishes his reader a Happy New Year! This month he presents this curious picture ... Is this window on the right or left of this building? He can’t quite work it out!

HAPPY 60th STUART FOR 5th FEBRUARY!

DARA CURRAN

Happy 40th Birthday for 20.01.10

Love Tasha & Jack

Happy Birthday to Minichap for 31st January

Birthday Greetings to Yogi for the

17th January

AT HOME OR WORK Full and part valets, Hand washed and polished

Seats and carpets cleaned Call Nigel on 01525 261485

Mobile 07977 605987 email: [email protected]


Last Christmas Babs decided she wanted to cut down her own Christmas tree. She wrapped up warmly and drove for 2 hours into the country and walked deep into the woods. She had everything she needed - saw, hatchet warm clothing etc and she searched and searched for the perfect tree, particularly as she had gone to all this trouble. After searching for 5 hours in the bitter cold she decided to ring her friend on her mobile. ‘How’s it going’ asked the friend. ‘I can’t take it any more’ replied Babs, ‘I give up. I’m just going to choose one whether its decorated or not.’

I don't understand the purpose of the line, ‘I don't need to drink to have fun.’ Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter? I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call. Some men are thinkers, some men are sexy, others are across between the two - they just think they are sexy. Cut corners endlessly and you will soon drive your staff round the bend. Be calm. Dance and shriek like a Neanderthal man. After all they never worried about mortgages and inflation. My friend’s husband is so silly that he only gets 1/2 hour lunch break. That’s so his boss doesn’t have to retrain him. Do your stress levels a favour and take on changes one at a time. Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground? When you take down the Christmas lights, smash one with a hammer - then you’ll know which bulb’s broken next year. If you are bored try using mashed potato as gift wrap. 1 1280 AD, 2 Christopher Wenner,

3 1098, 4 Snake, 5 Being tickled by feathers, 6 Mole, 7 Petrol pump attendant, 8 1809-Napoleonic Wars, 9 Swegn Forkbeard, 10 Fern

1. W hen we re spec tac le s invented?

2. Who presented ‘Blue Peter’ from 1978-80?

3. When was the siege of Antioch?

4. What is a ‘Banded Krait’? 5. I f y o u s u f f e r e d f r o m

‘Pteronophobia’ what would be afraid of?

6. A ‘Labour’ is the collective name for which creature?

7. What was the first job of Michael Douglas?

8. When was the battle of Wagram?

9. Who ruled England from 1013-14?

10.What is a ‘Cliffbrake’?

NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION? Achieve what you want in 2010 Hypnotherapy and NLP could work for you

Quit Smoking Weight Loss

Confidence Anxiety and Stress

Sleep Problems Fears and Phobias

Make the change and give me a call today!

Anna Botsford Dip/Hyp NLP Practitioner

Tel: 01525 237182 / 07952 601296 www.annabotsfordhypnotherapy.co.uk CHEESEMANS PHARMACY OF AMPTHILL

Tel: 01525 402173

FREE PRESCRIPTION DELIVERY Can’t get to the chemist or surgery?

Don’t worry, we’ll pick up your prescription from your surgery and deliver your medication to your door.

Covering Ampthill, Clophill, Flitwick, Houghton Conquest, Maulden, Silsoe, Wilstead

& surrounding villages.

CHIMNEY SWEEPING SERVICE

FRIENDLY FAST EFFICIENTCLEAN

VERY REASONABLE RATES

TEL: 01525 280214

Est. 1988

thaichillihouseNOW OPEN AT ...

The White Hart Hotel, 125 Dunstable Street Ampthill MK45 2NG

20% Discount on all take away orders

Tel: 01525 406910Open: Mon to Sun 6 pm to 11 pm

Last orders 10.45 (Mon - Thur), 11 pm (Fri - Sat)


CANCER (June 22-July 23) As we start this new decade it may be good for you to sort out a tricky financial arrangement which has possibly been worrying you. LEO (July 24-August 23) With all the festivities behind you, could it be that you are planning a major change? Possibly to do with work. VIRGO (Aug 24-Sept 23) You clearly are making travel plans for later in the year which could involve some rather exciting and long distance travel. LIBRA (Sept 24-Oct 23) Sometime in the coming month or two there could be a setback in matters that you had planned to deal with. Don’t listen to strangers. SCORPIO (Oct 24-Nov 22) Financial matters appear prevalent right now. It might be a good time to clear the decks and start your new project. SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23-Dec 22) A change in career looks quite strong with help coming from an unexpected source. Listen carefully to what you are being told.

CAPRICORN (Dec 23-Jan 20) The forthcoming planetary alignment indicate that there may be some far reaching changes about to occur in your life with many new challenges. AQUARIUS (Jan 21-Feb 19) How do you know? Why indeed should you know? It surely must become obvious in the fullness of time. PISCES (Feb 20-March 20) Is there a little scent of romance in the air? There may be new horizons in your life but be careful to keep your emotions under control. ARIES (March 21-April 20) The hardest part of making a decision is to make the decision in the first place. Once you have made it everything will be well. TAURUS (April 21-May 21) The new moon later could well bring with it some positive news that you have been waiting for. Grab the chance if it is offered. GEMINI (May 22-June 21) Why not take a walk on the wild side? Forget convention and just do what you really want to do. Those who matter will not mind at all.

Planning an event? If you're hiring a hall for a special function and need a professional full bar service brought in, then look no further. We supply a fully manned and equipped bar

service for any special occasion. We do it all so you and your guests can simply relax

and have a good time.

BURNS BASH - Sunday 24th Jan Haggis and all the trimmings served up Sunday lunchtime

Saturday 13th February

VALENTINES DAY MASSACRE PARTY! The theme is Gangsters

and Molls - prize for best dressed couple!

Chicago style pizzas, music plus a whole lot more!

Plus: Even bigger choice of regular Guest Ales

Traditional games from Pool

to Crib, Dominoes & Darts

Quiz Night every Wednesday from 8.00 pm with a different Quizmaster every week

The Number 1

Ironing and Laundry Service Professional, high quality and friendly service

Free delivery and collection

Drop-in and collect service available ( Open from 8 am daily )

Optional same day service

For further information contact

LOUISE on01525 841114 Or see our website at

www.pressed4time.info

31, Russell Drive, Ampthill MK45 2TX


The planning has already begun!Would you like to get involved planning the 2010 Ampthill Festival? Well planning may have already started, but it’s never too late to get involved! Why not join our planning committee, as we need help in planning the following on Gala Day 27th June 2010, namely:

· The Arena Stage · The Music Stage · The Festival Site Attractions, Rides, Fun Fair,

Charity and Business Stalls & Food Concessions · The Festival Parade

Plus the Proms in The Park on 26th June. Sub-committees do the ‘leg work’ in planning the above and additional sub-committees also plan the Art Festival and consider fundraising, sponsorship and publicity. It should not be forgotten that Ampthill Festival is reliant on a small band of dedicated volunteers who organise Ampthill Festival each year and that it is not the Town Council that stage the event as many think! We are however very grateful for the Town Council’s continued support. Also, have you got any ideas that might reinvigorate and refresh the Festival? If so, contact us with your ideas. We would love to hear from you! Please contact Stuart Palmer on 01525 406117 or email [email protected] Alternatively, visit www.ampthill.org uk/festival.htm for more details. Stuart Palmer, Ampthill Festival Committee

A personal Chauffeur

service with grace

and quality for the

discerning customer.

BE DRIVEN

...a journey to remember

t: 0800 022 3312

m: 07836 780088

e: [email protected]

www.be-drivencars.co.uk

Our Services include:

• Airport Transfers • Theatres

• Business trips • Days sightseeing

• Weddings • Shopping

• Executive Travel

A8L

www.thepetaupair.co.ukwww.thepetaupppppppppppppppaaaair.co.uk

DOG WALKING

Excellent socialisation for your dog, peace of mind for you!

PET SITTING

Rabbits, guinea pigs, hamsters, birds, rats & ferrets are welcome in our home!

PET TRANSPORTING

01525 860606


Tyres & Exhausts 66 Bedford Street, Ampthill, Bedfordshire, MK45 2NB

Tel: 01525 405900 Open Monday - Friday 9.00 am - 6.00 pm

Saturday 9.00 - 4.00 pm

At last Ampthill has its own Tyre & Exhaust specialist with expert fitting facilities

and the best service for miles

Servicing & repairs Diagnostics

Timing belts Brakes

Clutches All makes and models

I am in a bit of a rush to get this advert in on time, but I will try my best, to get it all to rhyme. The staff at Martins would like to wish you all a happy New Year, now 2010 is finally here. New years resolutions done, slimming, dieting, what great fun. But don’t worry we can help, we have slimming mags on the shelf. With the frost and snow on its way, with freezing hands scraping the ice away, then come to Martins don’t delay, we sell gloves and de-icer that melts the ice away. To save you going out in the snow, we can deliver your paper did you know. Our paperboys, to there job their committed, there wearing their jumpers, their nannies knitted. Then with their reflective jackets on, off they go, their deliveries won’t take long. Now that Christmas has been packed away, Easter eggs are on the way. Cadburys crème eggs and mini eggs too, are already on sale just for you. With promotions running through the week, we’ve even reduced the price of our cards, so they are cheap. I nearly forgot one important thing, I forgot to tell you about the new mags we’ve got in. Surfing, snowboarding, skate boarding, just to name a few, plus many sports and woman’s mags too, and there’s many more on the way if I list them all, I will be here all day. There’s only one thing left to say - please call in and make our day.

Martins Newsagents 17 Church Street Ampthill 01525 404314

CIU Affiliated 37 Church Street Ampthill Beds

*A pleasant and safe family environment *Drinks at club prices plus …….

CRIB - DARTS - DOMINOES - POOL BINGO - Thursday nights

QUIZ - Sunday nights SMOKING AREA - Covered and heated

BEER GARDEN (Summer) ENTERTAINMENT …….. Starts at 9 pm

WHAT’S ON?Saturday 16th January

KARAOKEWith Steve Gaddesden & Co

Saturday 30th January Live Traditional Irish Band

‘SHANNONDORE’Lively show - not for the faint hearted!! MEMBERSHIP RENEWAL SUBSCRIPTIONS

DUE FROM 1ST JANUARY 2010


You are invited to take part in a progressive supper in aid of Ampthill Festival on March 13th 2010. For those of you who have participated in a progressive supper before you will know what a fun and great evening it is. For those of you who are new, here’s how it works: There will be around 30 or so couples having dinner with each other, an ideal opportunity to meet new friends or pick up on old acquaintances!! You will be asked to host either a starter, main or dessert course for 6 people including yourselves. For the other 2 courses you will go to other homes with different people and then we all end up at one house for coffee. As it is a fund raiser for Ampthill Festival there is a charge of £10 per person and a great fun evening. If you live outside Ampthill you will most probably be asked to host a starter course to make the logistics of getting from one house to another easier. If you need more details or want to take part, please let Katy know by the 31st January – either by telephone 07812 905845 or email [email protected] Also, if you would like to invite some other couples along, please do, the more the merrier - just let me know by the end of the month. Do hope you can join in the evening!

Happy Birthday Eddie

for 10th January

WINGY PAT! Happy Birthday for

28th January See - we didn’t forget!

Dine from our special Lunch menu

Tuesday to Saturday for only

£11.00 for Two courses£14.00 for Three courses

and get a FREE glass of house wine

and our special Dinner menu Tuesday to Friday for only

£15.50 for Two courses£18.00 for Three courses

and get a FREE glass of house wine

Dine Winewith

in January & February

Call to book now 01525 404024

Tues - Sat 12.00 - 2.00 & 7.00 - 9.30 119 Dunstable Street, Ampthill

Woburn Country Foods BUTCHERS & FARM SHOP

Fresh SeasonalVeg & Potatoes

West End Farm, London Lane Haynes West End, MK45 3RA(At the top of the hill!)

Tel: 01234 740300 www.woburncountryfoods.com

Specialists in Bedfordshire Beef, Pork, Lamb, Chicken & Game

Fight the winter chills with hearty diced meats, casserole veg and delicious sauces

UNBEATABLE QUALITY, REASONABLY PRICED

PLUS... Try our new range of local handmade sweet & savoury pies.


With Fergus Handislip

Because I'm a man, when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Because I'm a man, when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the bonnet and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, ‘I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start.’ We will then drink beer. Because I'm a man, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue. Because I'm a man, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like ‘Cumin’ or ‘Tofu’. For all I know these are the same thing. Because I'm a man, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together. Because I'm a man, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

And more from Fergus next time - perhaps!!

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enjoy whilst preparing! Chop up the meat (handy tip - kitchen scissors are quicker than knife) and seal in hot fat. Transfer the meat to your slow cooker dish and add the stock. Then peel and chop up all the veg (except the potatoes) and add to the meat. Season to taste Pour in a little of the wine and grab a crafty slurp yourself! Cover and place on your slow cooker for the r e c o m m e n d e d t i m e (probably 6 - 8 hours) and

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Over the festive period we have heard of someone who cannot be named, going in to the shop to purchase just 1 Brussels sprout to add to the dish to make his a festive casserole!! (See below)

Tam Happy 22nd

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Lynooh - 21st January

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Yes, it’s time for the abject annual silliness again! The beginning of February sees the 6th Annual Columnists Awards Luncheon which once again promises to be a truly glittering occasion and is to be held at a secret location. If you would like to join in the nonsense you are cordially invited to make your nominations from the categories below!! (Or you can invent a category if you wish!) Please either email us at [email protected] or send a post card to The Fuddler PO Box 756 Ampthill Bedford MK45 2WZ.

1. Best factual report. 2. Best newcomer 3. Most incomprehensible

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of 2009

FARMERS MARKETS The Farmers Market in Woburn is held on the third Sunday of every month at The Pitchings, whilst Ampthill Farmers Market is held on the last Saturday of each month at their new home at the rear of The White Hart Hotel. Don’t forget The Charter Market in Ampthill every Thursday and Flitwick Market on Fridays!.

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As you may know, each month we invite our readers to contribute the next section of the story. If you would like to write the next instalment please do email us at [email protected] with your entry (about 200 words) and our Arts Correspondent Seymour Cox will judge which he considers to be the best which will then be published next month! (if you have missed an instalment please go to our website at www.thefuddler.com and click on Toby Story for the complete story so far.)

WHATEVER HAPPENED TO TOBY?

Daniella climbed out of the cab, checking she was not hurt, and saw a tall muscular man getting out of the white van, he was wearing stylish jeans and a white T shirt. He walked across to the cab driver and they exchanged their details, but all the time he kept glancing towards Daniella and there seemed to be an instant attraction? Daniella again thought she was dreaming as the handsome guy asked if she'd like a lift because his van wasn't badly damaged, she asked "can you take me to the station?" "Yes of course" he said. As they drove she asked him where he was going, he said he had been on his way to buy some flowers because he was meeting someone at the station. Daniella noticed a small T printed on his T shirt and went all goose pimples, she thought surely not? They arrived at the station and went to the lounge area for a coffee, Daniella said "we haven't even introduced ourselves, I'm Daniella" the tall handsome man said " I'm Terry".......…

So now it’s over to you! What do you think happened next?

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St Michael and All Angels

Church and Village Memorials Project

By Lis Roberts On day two of our mission to find the war graves our search was centred around the Thiepval/Albert areas. The first one to find was Private Frederick Charles Pepper’s grave at The Roisel Communal Cemetery Extension. Roisel is a small town eleven km east of Peronne. There are now 877 1914/18 w a r c a s u a l t i e s commemorated in the Roisel cemetery 514 of w h i c h a r e G e r m a n casualties.

The second burial we searched for that day was Second Lieutenant Frank Lloyd Sharpin, the son of a former rector of Millbrook. The Grove Town Cemetery, Meaulte where he was buried proved to be the most difficult yet to locate. This village was situated south of Albert and a small airport had been built just where we thought the track leading to the cemetery was. After riding around for a while, we had to stop to ask someone for directions, we eventually located it up several farm tracks in the middle of fields right on top of a hill. This is where framed on top of a hill behind this cemetery on the horizon for

only a few seconds I swear I saw first World War soldiers marching, which eventually turned into trees waving about. No one believed me! But I know what I saw. This cemetery was designed by Sir Edward Lutyens and contains 1,395 burials, most of the casualties buried here were from the Somme battlefields. As it was getting near the end of the afternoon we decided to leave visiting the other memorial in Thiepval until the next day on the way home. That evening all the locals descended on the Hotel, insisting on buying us drinks! To be continued next month

19th January 2010Congratulations on

your Silver Wedding Anniversary!!

Love Mouse, Frodo and of course everyone at

The Fuddler xx

Birthday Greetings to Suzanne for

6th January

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Episode 4000000012 He obviously knew the approaching people who were a young couple probably retuning from work. ‘Hello you two’ he beamed cheerily, ‘have you met these tourists, I was just telling them all about the place.’ My oppo and I n o d d e d o u r acknowledgement and m o u t h e d t h e u s u a l pleasantries hoping we actually looked like tourists. This obviously worked as the male half of the couple warmly shook my hand and said ‘How long are you here for?’ in an accent I took to be somewhere in Europe. ‘Oh, a few weeks actually’ my oppo jumped in ‘I wanted to show him England in full rather than the usual sights you know.’ As she chatted with them, I glanced at my scanner and could see no real indicators of alien

By Michael McSpleen

presence in these people. The conversation ended and we all went our separate ways in the gathering dark of late afternoon. ‘Was that guy from Europe with that accent?’ I asked. She let out a small laugh, the first I had ever heard and it trilled warmly round my head. I looked at her bemused which made her laugh the more. ‘No’ she explained smiling, ‘he’s from north east of England somewhere. ‘Oh’ I replied ‘That would explain why my wrist scanner showed little sign of a l i e n c o n t a m i n a t i o n . Probably hasn’t been her too long then.’ We strolled as into the target area at a leisurely pace, not seeing too much activity, but the scanner showed there was increasingly a presence the further we went in.

To be continued

SKIP and HELEN welcome you to the

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Here’s the first of the New Year pictures of the crazy things that chefs can get up to if they get bored! You may have to look quite closely at this one!

To Mother (Susan)

Love JD, Flo and not forgetting that dog!

Happy Birthday Kev - Enjoy being on The

Piste - hope it’s not all downhill from now on! Ann and the gang x

Long established Ampthill firm ‘Pressed 4 Time’, formerly of Station Road Ampthill, have now moved to large new premises at 31, Russell Drive Ampthill. Proprietor Louise Morgan explained ‘We needed a lot more space to cope with the increasing workload and we found the perfect spot at Russell Drive. In addition to our very popular ironing service we are now able to offer a full laundry and drying service too. As we now have a large shop front as well, it makes finding us that much easier!’ Louise and her team will be very pleased to continue to offer the service that has now been available for 2½ years. You can find the Pressed 4 Time advertisement on page 12 of this issue.

another year older . . . in Arthur’s World Can’t write my column this month - too busy kissing another year goodbye! Hopefully see you next month!

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by Mustafa Moovey ( Mustafa Singh's cousin in law) The Thing - It came from outer space - Crash Landing - In the heat of the Night - On Golden Pond. - Mamma Mia! - Help ! - ET! - Aliens! - And then there were none - All quiet on the western front - It happened one night - Close Encounters of the third kind - Mars Attacks - A night to remember - !!!

Well that’s a bit different! Thanks Mustafa!

Dirty Dave had just cooked the family a meal and bragged to his wife ‘The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie’ ‘Oh’ replied his wife ‘Which is this?’

Courtesy Ruby Thanks again to Ruby for this month’s word from her wonderful collection of words and their definitions: this month we are pleased to bring you ‘paradigm’. Do you know what it means? The answer is at the foot of the page.

Example or model for group

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MAYFAIR CURRENCY

Asia Autumn 1973 At one particular border, somewhere between Iran and India, during a lapse of surveillance we had left one or two copies of Mayfair in view, the inspecting officials quickly gathered the offending documents and we were ushered into an interrogation area, nothing alarming in anyway, but out of site of the public thoroughfare. The officials remonstrated at length about the magazines and how we had offended their sensibilities in this mat ter and furthermore, that we could

be punished for doing so, and how we could suffer for this offence etc, It was at this point that Andrew really impressed me. He apologised for the o f fenc e cause d bu t explained that while he felt guilt for this offence, he also valued the written prose in these magazines and would really appreciate being able to keep the non-offending parts of these revolting magazine for the rest of our journey; could they find it in their hearts to forgive the ignorant intruder.. etc. This seemed to appease the now growing number of staff who gathered to see the offending bits removed.

After some ten minutes of careful page turning, two slim volumes of Mayfair remained beside a larger pile of dubious adverts and some fairly innocuous but revealing shots of ladies. With one hand on the torn out pages, Andrew held the magazines high and asked, “ These are now OK, Yes?” A grunt of agreement was uttered, but all eyes where on the pile of discards. Andrew, while passing the magazines to me, picked up the pictures, and with the slight of hand that would have impressed Darren Brown, he converted them into confetti. Stifled cries of objection rapidly subsided as Andrew, with a puzzled

look, asked, “ I’m sorry, I thought they had to be destroyed!” The assembled officials and onlookers quickly regained their composure and happily for us, a couple of them laughed about their reaction to the loss of the pictures.Prof Reginald V Q De Gama IPA With Kind permission from Jim Barr

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ARTHUR FOR

13th JANUARY

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With Lauren Louella Boughalls Thanks to everyone who got last month’s puzzle right - it was part of the Old Court House, Church Street Ampthill. Try this month’s teaser. Not seen from the road, but can be seen from a footpath.

Answers by email to [email protected] or on a postcard to The Fuddler, PO Box 756 Ampthill Bedford MK45 2WZ Answer next month!

Happy Birthday Oliver for 3rd January

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This is getting silly! I beat those pesky chaps in the studio and they haven’t messed me up - but I’ve had to peep out from behind the wall! Funnily enough I star in a weird American TV series that is currently very popular - but who do you think I am?

Answer at the foot of the page

For a change Montgolfier has sent us a little bit of history : Obviously many Fuddler readers still remember Sir Winston Churchill’s funeral in 1965. Well, my good friend Norman Brooks, who has now moved to the south coast, drove the Hearse on that day. He is still a fit man and is now 90 years old. He used to enjoy coming to Eversholt and also to Woburn for the Tiger Moth rally. He, like me, is a member of the Vintage Aircraft Club where for many years he edited the Club magazine. He also used to produce an annual book on old airfields etc., the last one I went out and researched with him was Thurleigh. This book went out to a special list of subscribers. Norman also drove the Hearse for Field Marshal Lord Montgomery, Lord Louis Mountbatten, The Duke of Gloucester, Prince William of Gloucester etc., but not Diana Princess of Wales as he had then retired. P.S. Norman was in the army in World War II. Early in the war he was in France and along with 11 others was taken prisoner by about a battalion of German troops. The 12 of them spent almost 5 years in a POW camp.

Anna Paquin from True Blood

With Archie Fairweather So the move was done! But left was all sorts of furniture and other ‘stuff’ that neither Mrs F. or myself needed. So, what to do? We needed the house cleared so we rang Second Hand Alley at H a y n e s o n t h e recommendation of a friend, and how pleased we did! The chap came round, looked at all the stuff we wanted taken away, we agreed prices etc and next day he was back and cleared the lot in a day! Brilliant!

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enough to last in their old biscuit tin. Other memories that came back to haunt me were the obligatory ‘Christmas Jumpers’. Mine were knitted by an aged Aunt, bizarrely they never seem to age or look any different. I knew this particular aunt for over 30 years and she never appeared any different either. Anyway the jumpers were always the same and were apparently model led by a convenient orang-utan as the sleeves were twice as long as they needed to be and the neck wide enough to go round a reasonably established oak trunk. The pattern however would have been of great in terest to anthropologists interested in the interpretation of anamorphic depictions. This trend in knitted jumpers continued well into adulthood when an ex-girlfriend attempted to knit me a jumper, she apparently knew the

same orang-utan. Another winter fashion item was my faithful duffel coat. Mine was grey and had light brown toggles. Mother had threaded a pair of fingerless gloves, ideal for snowbal l manufacture, on a string that went through both sleeves. The deep pockets regularly housed boyhood paraphernalia including, dog-eared football cards ready for ‘swapsies’, a catapult (when not confiscated), the odd marble, a penny or two and without fail a sticky sweet cocooned in pocket fluff waiting to be sucked clean. The duffel coat has recently joined that exclusive club of items and trends I would embrace as I got older; slippers, classical music and radio four are also in the club….I wonder if Topbird would sew in some gloves for me? V’s message in 1939 My quote for this month’s piece was suggested by Topbird and was taken from

King George …….. The Gate of the Year: by Minnie Louise Harkins 1875-1957 “I said to the man who stood at the gate of the year 'Give me a light that I may tread safely into the unknown’. And he replied, 'Go into the darkness and put your hand into the hand of God that shall be to you better than light and safer than a known way!' So I went forth and finding the hand of God trod gladly into the night he led me towards the hills and the breaking of day in the lone east. So heart be still! What need our human life to know If God hath comprehension? In all the dizzy strife of things both high and low, God hideth his intention." Mammoth Man would like to wish all Fuddler readers a very Happy New Year and is now off to bed with a cup of milky chocolate and a book…….it is only 9.30.

Episode 17: The Ghosts of Christmas PastAfter all the overindulgence and endless feasting over Christmas, comes the welcoming lull in social activity. Numerous people are being abstemious, including myself and Fuddles, who are attempting a whole month without an alcoholic tipple. I was mulling over the other day about the post Christmas period during my early childhood. It consisted mainly of eating the remains of the turkey in various different culinary concoctions, from the humble sandwich with some cranberry sauce or piccalilli to something more ambitious like a turkey curry or stew, ok so not that ambitious. I seem to remember that mince pies used to be hanging around well into early spring; mother’s pastry would have kept Jericho intact if the walls had been made out of it, so they were hardy

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The Fuddler January 2010

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Transcript of The Fuddler January 2010