HP-CourseSession 306041 Stress Sanity Survival

8/9/2019 HP-CourseSession 306041 Stress Sanity Survival

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Stress, sanity and survivalStress is a normal, life-preserving instinct that has allowed human beings to survive for thousands of

ears. But too much of anything is harmful. You can't escape stress, but you can learn to harness it. In

his course you'll learn the LifePACT -- four practical principles that can help you replace old habits,noculate yourself against stress and take charge of your life.

Lessons

Stress: you can't live without it1.

At times, stress can be your guardian angel, and at other times it's your worst

enemy. But there's no magic bullet for eliminating stress. In this lesson, you'll

come to understand the attributes and impact of stress, including how to acquire

habits that moderate its effects.

The LifePACT model of stress management2.

Stress cannot and should not be eliminated from your life entirely. This lesson

dispels some of the myths surrounding stress as well as reinforces some of thetruths. You'll also learn how the LifePACT model can help you manage stressful

situations.

Perspective: manage your mind3.

Now that you understand some basics, you'll begin your transformation into a

self-affirming individual with a closer examination of the first element of the

LifePACT model: perspective. We'll also touch on the second element of

autonomy.

Autonomy: managing your hands4.

This lesson takes a closer look at the major element of autonomy -- identifying

and then dealing with procrastination. Then we'll introduce the third LifePACT

principle: connectedness, the skill of managing your heart.

Connectedness: managing your heart5.To manage your heart is to manage your place in the community of fellow

humans with whom you live out your life. Today we'll learn how to strengthen

connections with your community, including becoming assertive and dealing

with difficult people.

Tone: melding your body and spirit6.

Your body is your vehicle on your journey through life. And Tone is the

LifePACT principle of taking care of this vehicle. By developing a proper tone,

you'll find the key factors for dealing with the physical demands of managing

stress.

Putting it all together7.

By managing your mind, hands and heart, you'll achieve a honed body and

spirit that acts as one, enabling you to master your emotions. This lesson putsthe four principles of the LifePACT model together to balance personal and

professional demands.

Managing your emotions every day8.

In this final lesson, we'll explore the three main forms of emotional stress --

anger, worry and the blues. Then we'll discuss strategies for improving your

daily life so you can balance your emotions and keep your life on an even keel.

Stress: you can't live without itAt times, stress can be your guardian angel, and at other times it's your worst enemy. But there's no magic

ullet for eliminating stress. In this lesson, you'll come to understand the attributes and impact of stress,

ncluding how to acquire habits that moderate its effects.

What is stress?

Stress saved my grandpa's life. Visit themessage board


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He lived on a farm in a home without an indoor toilet. One night, he put on his slippers and set

ut through the darkness for the outhouse, which was some 10 yards from the house. As he

umbled with the latch on the outhouse door, he felt what he thought was the tail of one of the

many housecats brushing back and forth against his bare leg. Then something totally

nexpected happened. The cat's tail started to rattle. Grandpa was standing on the head of a

attlesnake! But not for long, believe you me.

n an instant, his entire body was three feet off the ground. When he came back down, he

prang back up a second time and many more times until he was all the way back in the

afety of his bedroom. Being bit by a rattler at that hour in that remote part of Texas would

robably have been fatal. But stress energized my grandfather, saving his life by sending him

eaping through the darkness.

Chances are that stress has also saved your life a time or two. But then again, it may also be

illing you.

That's the paradox of stress. Sometimes, it can save a life. As when some careless driver cuts

cross your lane and you slam on your brakes. Or when your three-year-old daughter loses

er balance on the monkey bars and you dive under her to break the fall. At moments like

his, stress is your guardian angel. But at other times it's your worst enemy. When it takes

ver too often, when it stays too long, when it is too intense, stress can be an overwhelminglyestructive force.

A fact of life

There's no magic bullet for eliminating stress. There's no patch you can wear, no tonic you

an drink, and no shot you can take. In other words, you can't live without it. On the other

and, you can't live very comfortably when it's your constant companion. The key to dealing

with stress is learning to live life in the middle -- to acquire the habits of moderating stress.

This course will teach you to harness the positive attributes of stress so that it can actually

ecome a dependable friend, one that will never turn on you. Also, in the next five lessons,

ou will learn about the LifePACT model: a system that helps you define your principles for

festyle management so you can maximize the benefits of stress while mitigating its costs. By

managing your mind, hands, and heart, you'll achieve a honed body and spirit that act as one,

nabling you to master your emotions. In Lessons 7 and 8, we'll see how to put everything

we've learned in this course together and apply stress management techniques to everyday

ituations.

Now let's look at some of the symptoms and behaviors that accompany excessive stress.

You know you're stressed out when . . .

Your behavior will tell you when you're overly stressed. You might notice the quality or

uantity of your work starting to slide. Perhaps you find yourself unwilling to deal

onstructively with conflict, or withdrawing from social contact. You might notice yourself

isplaying an apathetic attitude, or backbiting, or nitpicking. You may also find your personal

rooming starting to slip as well.

Your emotions can also tell you when you're too stressed. You might have feelings of

itterness, depression, gloom, anxiety, guilt, or worthlessness. Or you might just feel empty

motionally.

Your body will let you know with headaches, backaches, upset stomachs, or a sense of

isorientation. You'll notice weariness, tiredness, irritability, and a loss of energy.

And your thoughts will let you know. You might find yourself thinking, "I hate this job" or "I hate

my boss" or "I hate school." "What's the use? I don't care anyway. People are so stupid,

Welcome to

the course!

Now is a great

time to begin

using the

Message

Board to

introduce

yourself and

share what

drew you tothis class. The

Message

Board is not

just a place to

post questions

for your

instructor or

classmates --

it's a great

vehicle for

discussing the

material and

exchanging lifeexperiences

and

information.

Use it!


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ncaring, and hypocritical." "What's wrong with me? Am I having a nervous breakdown? I

an't relax. Something bad is going to happen. The future is so hopeless. Nobody appreciates

me." Or simply: "This is terrible. I can't stand it anymore."

The story of stress is composed of both an inside and an outside part. As we'll see next, the

utside part of stress is all the hassles in our little world that upset us.

Stress from the outside

The classes of hassles

t is literally impossible to get through even a single day without encountering one or more of

he endless varieties of hassles. As you read through the following list, think about an average

ay and how these hassles, commonly called stressors, may be reducing your enjoyment of

fe.

Emotional hassles. This category includes the fears and anxieties we struggle with. For

example: Can we prevent nuclear war? What if I run out of gas? How am I going to pay the

light bill?

Family hassles. Interactions with family members can be stressful: The striving of

teenagers for independence, a spouse who drinks too much, in-laws visiting.Social hassles. Our interaction with other people: Asking a person for a date, expressing

anger at another's behavior, giving or going to a party.

Change hassles. There's a limit to the amount of change we can comfortably sustain before

something becomes a hassle: Leaving a job, buying a house, moving to a new city. You

may be able to handle one or even two changes at once, but the third could send you

spinning.

Work hassles. Whether you work in an office or from home, you'll experience work-related

stresses like asking for a raise, rushing to meet deadlines, or cleaning tracked-in mud off

the floor for the fourth time in one day.

Commuting hassles. This is the category of unpleasant life events like the stress of

discourteous or reckless drivers that occurs in rush hour traffic. It also includes the hassles

of air, bus, or train travel.Decision hassles. Making decisions, especially regarding important issues or when there is

no perfect solution to a problem, can drive you bananas: Should I have the surgical

procedure now or wait? Should my aged parent be institutionalized? Should I get a

divorce?

Pain hassles. Pain stressors are the aches and pains of new and old injuries, or of ongoing

medical conditions like a sore tooth, migraine headaches, and PMS. Chronic pain and

discomfort can lead to social isolation and depression.

Environmental hassles. This category of stressors includes aspects of our surroundings

that are often unavoidable: Smoke-filled rooms, cramped offices, the glare of the sun, or

the cold of winter.

The first step toward managing your stress is to identify the external events that set you off.

And now that you can recognize the day-to-day categories of life's hassles and that you're notlone in combating them, let's peer into the inner part of the story of stress. This discussion

will give you a better understanding of why stress affects you in the way it does.

How you react

to stress

Our society

rewards

people who

deal with

stress by

working harder

and faster to

produce more

in a shortertime. But all of

us respond to

stress

differently, and

many of us are

incapable of

handling it

productively.

Go to the

Message

Board and

discuss with

yourclassmates

some of the

methods

you've used to

combat stress

in the past.

Which one

worked best?

Which one or

ones didn't

work? Why?

Your tool to lesshassle

One of the

greatest

stressors is

feeling like we

have to

remember a

million pieces

of information.

Take thepressure off

yourself by

storing your

contacts,

calendar, and

to-do list in

your HP


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handheld PC.

The inside story

What happens within you as your body copes with these external hassles is indeed the inside

tory of stress. When my grandfather performed his gazelle imitation all the way back to the

armhouse, it wasn't a well-thought-out plan. Rationality wasn't involved at all. Something very

rimitive intervened. Another side of his humanness stepped forward and said, "I'll handle

his." Immediately, a series of changes was set in motion: an instinctive process that started in

part of the brain called the hypothalamus mobilized glands and immediately affectedespiration and muscle groups. In an instant his entire body reacted to the danger of the

attlesnake.

This marvelous capacity for self-preservation comes at a price. I once saw a bumper sticker

hat read "I brake for the heck of it." That's a good way to wear out a perfectly good set of

rakes. In the same way, getting stressed too often is a good way to wear your body out.

Preparing to fight when somebody in front of you has one too many items for the grocery

xpress lane, or allowing your blood pressure to skyrocket because you can't stand the

hought of facing another day at work -- these are misuses of a perfectly good survival

nstinct.

Next, let's lay the foundation for the LifePACT model I mentioned earlier by taking a look at

he anatomy of stress.

The anatomy of stress

magine this:

t's 2:00 in the morning on a Sunday. The police have just delivered one of your children to

our doorstep. There was a car accident. The driver, your child's friend, was drunk and the

olice found several bottles of liquor in the car as well as some drugs. The police have just lefthe house. Since no one was seriously injured and it was a first offense, the police agree to

ake no legal action . . . this time. Now that they have left, the only thing left for you and your

hild to do is "have a talk."

This situation is full of stress, plain and simple. If you have ever been in a situation like this as

parent, you may recall how confused you were by your feelings, thoughts, and impulses to

ct. You wanted to do something; you felt compelled to take some kind of action. But the

ecision of what to do had gone to some type of internal committee, and the members of that

ommittee couldn't agree.

Your body wanted to take action now. Your emotions were bouncing from feelings of relief to

eelings of betrayal to feelings of shame and guilt and back to anger, round and round, over

nd over again. And above this fray, there was the voice of rationality saying, "Take it easy.

No one got hurt. Stay calm. Do the right thing." Who's in charge here, anyway? A fundamental

spect of learning to deal with stress is by understanding its components. So let's now

isassemble this real-life drama and see if we can identify the separate pieces.

How would youreact?

The difference

between

sympathy and

empathy is

infinitesimal

yet immense.

Can you relate

to all aspects

of the incidents

on this page?

On a scale of 1

to 10, how

upset would

you be if you

were theparent? How

upset would

you be if you

were the child?

How would

you feel if you

were the police

officer?

Bringing your

sympathy as

close to

empathy as

possible willenable you to

improve your

ability to

manage

stress.

The structure of stress episodes

While all stress episodes are unique in their particular circumstances, they all have a similar

tructure. For instance, every episode of stress begins with a trigger. In the above incident,he trigger is the arrival at your doorstep of a member of the local police department. That

vent sets in motion a chain of other events. Things happen very fast when you're in a

tressful situation. Although it's difficult to ferret out the sequence of what follows, most

xperts say that the trigger then stimulates the resident translator in your mind.

The resident translator looks at the details of the trigger, quickly sizes them up, and interprets

Stress-free

desktops

Performance

and flexibility

come together

in the HP

business


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what is happening as crisis, non-crisis, or somewhere in between. How the translator labels

he situation determines the intensity of stress or, more precisely, the extent of physiological

hanges in your body triggered by the event. Your stress reactions can range from "not upset"

o "mildly upset" to "totally blown away." The intensity of the physiological changes determines

what happens in yet another link in the sequence of events: behavior.

Your behavior is the action you take to discharge the stress brought about by the translator's

abeling of the trigger, which happens in an instant. Before you know it, you find yourself

ompletely confused. Your heart is pounding, and you don't know what to do. You can avoid

his confusion by recognizing that an episode of stress is composed of these separate pieces.

Knowing this, you are able to tinker with each of the separate pieces until you can take charge

f the stressful situation.

Considering the trigger

For instance, consider the trigger. Are there any steps you can take to undo the policeman-

n-the-porch problem? No. He's there, and so is your child. But what about the spin you are

utting on this situation? Your first take might be, "My God, this is the end of the world. My kid

s an addict! I can't believe she would betray me like this! After all I've . . ." In other words, you

end the message to the rest of you, "Catastrophe! Major train wreck!" And in an instant your

ntire body is mobilized for a panicked reaction.

But there is another course things could take. What if, in mid-sentence, you intercepted your

nitial translator and interjected a less extreme perception on the situation? What if you had

eveloped the capacity to think, "Slow down, everyone, let's get our responses together. Let's

et some facts first." Now the message to your body is not full mobilization but a more

easonable "Stand by."

What if, in addition to moderating your thoughts, you also had the presence of mind to take

hree slow deep breaths? Slow, deep breathing goes directly to the core of the stress and

uts the brakes on runaway feelings. The trigger itself hasn't gone away, but the situation no

onger seems like a total emergency. In addition to this, the bodily reactions (stress) haveeen tempered with relaxing breathing. You were on your way to a 10 on the stress

arometer but, by taking charge of your thoughts and feelings, now you're only at a 6 or 7.

You're not indifferent -- you are still upset. But you're not overwhelmed by the situation. You

ave managed the situation by managing yourself.

et's now add one more element to the mix. Imagine saying to the officer in a calm steady

oice, "I am so relieved to see no one is hurt. Thank you, Officer." It doesn't matter that you

on't feel calm. Acting calm sends yet another message to the primitive side of you that things

re under control.

Moving forward

No one is an expert at taking charge of runaway thoughts, feelings, and behavior. It is

bsolutely normal to muddle your way through all the ups and downs that come your way. It is

mportant to understand that managing stress does not mean eliminating stress. You can't do

hat -- nor should you even want to. Stress can be your ally. Stress is nature's way of

heltering you from the unpredictable mishaps of life. By understanding the anatomy of a

tress reaction, you can see more clearly the choices available to you.

Your successful completion of this course will not result in the total eradication of stress from

our life. You will see that success is achieved by regulating your behavior so that you're not

verreacting to certain situations. The key is matching your stress response to the demandsf the situation, a skill that you can sharpen with practice. In the next lesson, we'll take a more

n-depth look at managing stress, including an introduction and discussion of the LifePACT

model of stress management.

desktop PC.

Quiz #1Question 1:


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Stress is something that serves no purpose in our lives.

) True

B) False

Question 2:

You know you're overly stressed when:

A) You notice yourself displaying an apathetic attitude, backbiting, or nitpicking.

B) You have feelings of bitterness, depression, gloom, anxiety, guilt, or worthlessness.

C) You notice weariness, tiredness, irritability, and a loss of energy.

D) You find yourself thinking, "I hate this job" or "I hate my boss" or "I hate school."

E) All of the above.

Question 3:

You can entirely eliminate stress from your life, so that should be your goal.

) True

B) False

Question 4:

There is no structure to an episode of stress.

) True

B) False

The LifePACT model of stress managementStress cannot and should not be eliminated from your life entirely. This lesson dispels some of the myths

urrounding stress as well as reinforces some of the truths. You'll also learn how the LifePACT model can help

ou manage stressful situations.

The myths and facts of stress management

You now know that stress can be your best friend or your worst enemy, depending on the

ituation and your ability to cope with it. Stress cannot and should not be eliminated from your

fe entirely. By first recognizing the external hassle and then analyzing the anatomy, or

tructure, of the stressful event, you'll soon be able to regulate your behavior so that you don't

verreact. The key to this trick is managing and matching your stress response to the

emands of the situation, a skill that can only be sharpened with practice.

n today's lesson you'll be introduced to the LifePACT model. Understanding all of the basic

echniques of managing stress that are incorporated into this model will help you define your

rinciples for lifestyle management, enabling you to maximize the benefits of stress while

mitigating its costs.

Myths

First, let's take time to dispel the myths surrounding stress management before reinforcing

ome relevant facts.

Myth #1: only high-level executives, law enforcement personnel, and air traffic

controllers experience high levels of stress

Although this is untrue, some professions are accompanied by more stressful demands thanther professions. I know a person who's been knocked unconscious on the job three times.

On several occasions he has had injuries to his back serious enough to require medical

ttention. He's had his ribs broken three different times. Generally, his body is covered with

ruises. What do you think he does for a living? Do you think he's a rodeo rider, stuntman, or

wrestler? No, he's a self-defense instructor who teaches women how to protect themselves

gainst physical assault.

Take home justthe work, notthe stress

Reduce your

work stress by

getting out of

the office. With

a high

performance

HP notebook

PC, you can

avoid those

long hours at

work by getting

some of it

done at home.


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Every profession carries its own burden of stress. Even in high-pressure jobs, it's surprising

what people find stressful. For instance, you'd think the most stressful aspect of being an air

raffic controller is keeping airplanes from crashing. But that's not the case. Surveys with

hese professionals have revealed that what they find most stressful are mundane things like

ealing with management and bureaucracy.

And I know from the work I've done with emergency room nurses, who negotiate life-and-

eath issues every day, that what stresses them is not keeping the patient alive. They feel

uite confident in that arena. The things driving them crazy are the conflicts they're having

with another nurse or a particular surgeon. As you can see, every job presents its own set of

tressful demands and no occupation is exempt.

Myth #2: stress is inescapable

This is also not entirely true. Some stressors are indeed inescapable. We saw earlier the wide

ariety of hassles that you and everyone else faces each and every day. While you can't get

d of all of these, you might be able to eliminate some of them. You could, for instance, quit a

ob that is overly demanding. You could end a friendship that you feel is no longer bringing

ou any joy. Or you could confront a colleague who's rubbing you the wrong way.

t's a good idea to try and eliminate stressors from your life. But trying to eliminate all

tressors from your life is futile, and could become the biggest stressor of them all. A better

pproach is to learn to moderate your response to different stressors. You don't have to allow

he intensity of your stress reaction go unchecked. In this sense stress, although inescapable,

s manageable.

Myth #3: it is never a good idea to use drugs to deal with stress

Although it is never a good idea to misuse or abuse drugs, the above is not true. Getting high

nd getting drunk, making yourself comfortably numb -- these are not constructive ways of

oping with stress. On the other hand, there are many people performing quite effectively inociety who owe their ability to face life to prescribed medications.

The problem of drug abuse has preoccupied our society for decades. It's no wonder that

many people distrust drugs. Because of this, they hold off seeking the support they might gain

rom prescribed medications. Extreme shyness, anxiety, depression, and other disorders due

o chemical imbalances in the brain respond very well to drugs.

n fact, millions of people are able to function professionally and find fulfillment in their lives

ecause they take prescription medication. While some people develop a dependency on

rescription drugs, the majority of people on medication are not abusing the drugs they take.

Don't rule out chemical intervention. It may be the responsible thing for you to do, even if onlyor a short period of time.

Facts

And now, some facts about stress.

Fact #1: work stress can affect your home life

This is very true. Wouldn't it be great if you could walk out of your office, get in your car, and

rive home to your family and loved ones without carrying any baggage from your work day?

t's the rare person who can leave the office behind. You may take home an empty briefcase

n occasion, but your mind and your heart are full of the day's events. Memories of these

vents echo in your mind as you go back and forth between the domain of your work life to

our personal life.


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Stress contamination can work in the other direction as well. You can take the stress you

ave at home into your business life. Right before putting your child on the school bus, she

hrows a tantrum over her tennis shoes. Or someone pulls up next to your car and yells an

bscenity or slur at you. These events can cause stressful feelings that linger with you

hrough the workday. Keeping the stress from one domain of life from infiltrating another

omain is a skill that we will discuss more fully later in the course.

Fact #2: stress can radically affect your behavior

This is also true. I teach a course on anger management for people charged with

misdemeanor assault. I know from the stories I hear that the stress of anger can drive people

o outrageous extremes of behavior. The story of one participant in that class stands out in my

mind. He lost his temper with another player in a pool game. Eight different times he went to

he cue stick rack, grabbed a cue stick and broke it over the head of the other person. Eight

mes! That's a lot of cue sticks.

t's a sad commentary on our times that workplace violence is becoming a regular occurrence.

Violence has moved into our schools, as we all witnessed in the Columbine High School

ragedy. These are examples of people driven to desperation by high levels of stress.

ntense stress can be directed to acts of heroism as well. You may have read of superhumaneats of strength performed by people in crisis situations. A mother was working in her kitchen

when she heard the crash of her son's car slipping off the jack, pinning her son under the car.

Remarkably, she was able to lift the back of the car high enough to allow her son to squirm

ut. She saved her son's life. More precisely, stress energized her to save her son's life.

Always keep in mind that stress is a powerful force that can be directed to acts of evil or great

estures of benevolence.

Fact #3: stress management is a learnable skill

No matter how much stress you are under today, no matter how long you have struggled with

nger, depression, worry or other forms of stress, you can learn to take charge of your stress.

Managing stress does not mean eliminating stress. Stress can be a good thing. It becomes a

ad thing when you have too much of it, when it's too intense, or when it lasts too long.

Beginning to manage your stress

The advice found in stress management books can generally be summarized into five basic

ategories. During this discussion, think about which technique or combination of techniques

as the potential to manage your stress response the most effectively.

. Get away

These methods of stress management involve removing yourself from the

circumstances that are causing you stress. You can do this in a number of

ways. You can leave the scene for a while (nap, take a walk, take a breather,

take a day off) or end a relationship. You can even change jobs, schools, or

where you live. The decision is entirely up to you.

2. Change how you relate to the stressor

If you can't get away from what's stressing you out, there is an array of things

you can do to manipulate your initial response. Learn more effective behaviors

through professional counseling. Become more assertive. Be more honest and

candid, and learn to say no. Increase your understanding and empathy by being

less critical of yourself and others. Change negative self-talk. Stop irrational

patterns of thought like catastrophizing, jumping to conclusions, or thinking in

Finding the rightcombination

Now you know

that there are

five different

ways

individuals can

respond to

stress. Which

technique or

combination of

techniques has

proven to work

best for you in

the past?Which

technique or

techniques

have led to

more problems

or confusion in

your life?


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black-and-white terms. Set realistic goals for yourself.

3. Change the stressor

This approach to dealing with stress amounts to approaching the problem by

asking yourself, "Do I have any control over the situation?" If the answer is yes,

do what you can to change the situation. It may be that what you thought was

out of your control may not be. Or perhaps you can't change the entire situation

but you can change some parts of it.

4. Accept the stressor

This is a powerful philosophical technique. Essentially it involves resigning

yourself to the fact that some things cannot be changed. Life is not always fair.

Even the difficult things in life have value as opportunities for developing a

greater tolerance for frustration.

5. Work on building stress tolerance

The point of this fifth category of stress management is building up stress

stamina. Such techniques are particularly useful when you're faced with a

stressor that won't go away and that you can't change. Your goal is to build your

emotional and physiological resilience. Here are some things that can help do

that: Get enough sleep and exercise, set aside a time for daily relaxation, talk

out your problems, develop tolerance and patience, maintain a strong support

group of family and friends, and watch what you eat.

By stepping back and taking stock of all these techniques, you will likely realize that you are

ot alone in facing the stresses of life. Everyone deals with stressful situations in their own

way, and only you can decide which method works best for you. Right now, I want you to

make a pact with yourself to take charge of your life. And, in order to help you achieve thatoal, I would like to introduce you to LifePACT, a method that has proven to reduce unhealthy

evels of stress.

Why? Go to

the Message

Board and

discuss your

answers with

your

classmates.

ntroducing LifePACT

The acronym PACT represents all you need to know and do in order to master the

management of stress. The four principles in the LifePACT model encompass all the stress-

management techniques listed above. In addition, the model presents these to you in a user-

riendly way that makes understanding each principle much easier. It also narrows your

hoices so that you'll actually apply the principles to stress you encounter rather than just

hinking about it. I will briefly introduce here each principle and then elaborate on them in the

ext four lessons.

. The P stands for perspective

Perspective is the skill of managing your head. By mastering the habits of

constructive thinking, you'll find that you can size up situations in a much more

rational way. This principle will also allow you to determine, for each hassle you

encounter, which technique or combination of techniques has the potential to

manage your stress response the most effectively.

2. The A stands for autonomy

Autonomy is the skill of "managing your hands." To manage your hands is to be

judicious in what habits you pick up, what responsibilities you take on, and what

thoughts or emotions you hold on to. Most importantly, autonomy allows you to

DissectingLifePACT'selements

As distinctindividuals, we

each have

different

strengths and

weaknesses.

Which

LifePACT

principle do

you have the

most difficulty

with? How do

you think this

can berectified? If

you have ever

tried

meditation,

breathing

techniques, or

self-hypnosis,


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let go of whatever's bothering you.

3. The C stands for connectedness

Connectedness is the skill of managing your heart. We are all related. We have

survived to this point in our evolutionary history primarily because we have

banded together as individuals. To manage your heart is to manage your place

in the community of fellow humans with whom you live out your life.

4. The T stands for tone

Tone is the skill of managing body and spirit. To manage your body is to

cultivate habits of care and attention to your physiological makeup. To manage

your spirit is to nurture your soul.

Moving forward

After dispelling some of the myths surrounding stress as well as reinforcing some of the

ruths, this lesson introduced you to the LifePACT model of stress management. When

mastered and implemented, LifePACT will help you combat crooked thinking, deal withrocrastination, develop and maintain constructive relationships in your life, relax and unwind,

nd prevent the accumulation of tension in your body. In the next lesson, let's begin our

ransformation into self-affirming individuals with a closer examination of the first of these four

rinciples: perspective.

what has

worked for you

and what has

not? Why?

Discuss your

responses with

your

classmates on

the Message

Board.

Assignment #1

You may take home an empty briefcase on occasion, but your mind and your heart are full of the

ay's events. Memories of these events echo in your mind as you go from the domain of work life to

ersonal life. How would you apply each of the LifePACT model's principles to the following

ituation?

David is a college professor who found out today that his research grant would not be

renewed for next year. He comes home exhausted, after spending the day scrambling

to find alternative sources of funding.

At 6:00 David walks through the door, looking forward to an evening with Jenny, but

he is so tired that he can only give her a half-hearted hug.

At 6:01 Jenny moves toward David, anticipating a kiss. As the recipient of an

unenthusiastic hug, she feels rebuffed and slightly angry.

At 6:02 Jenny berates David for not stopping at the cleaners. She starts reading the

newspaper, treating David with indifference, and gives up her romantic fantasies for

later that evening.

At 6:03 David is confused and angry about Jenny's aloof response. He tells her he

needs to work in his study after dinner.

How could Jenny and David begin to change their perspectives? Has either one of

them practiced the principle of autonomy? If so, how? Does this couple have anyconnectedness? How might their relationship be improved? Discuss your responses

with your classmates on the Message Board.

Quiz #2


11/38

Question 1:

Only high-level executives, law enforcement personnel, and air traffic controllers experience high levels of

tress.

) True

B) False

Question 2:

When dealing with stress, prescription medications can play a helpful role.

) True

B) False

Question 3:

Stress can radically affect your behavior.

) True

B) False

Question 4:

When managing stress, there is only one technique that people can choose from.

) True

B) False

Perspective: manage your mindNow that you understand some basics, you'll begin your transformation into a self-affirming individual with a

loser examination of the first element of the LifePACT model: perspective. We'll also touch on the second

lement of autonomy.

Managing your mind with good habits

Habits can be useful. When you operate habitually, you need to be only half-focusing on

what you are doing because your habits are doing the other half of the thinking. When theyield good consequences, they are called good habits. Washing your hands before eating -

that's a good practice. But if you do it every two minutes, you have a bad habit.

Habits fall into two categories: Public habits are behaviors that are visible to others while

rivate habits are habits of thought. Perspective is the LifePACT principle of managing

tress by directing your private habits of thought and expectation. Your private thoughts

lay such a key part in day-to-day stresses that they are actually a better predictor of the

mount of stress something will elicit than the actual stressful events themselves.

Making false readings

What this means is that much of the stress you experience is the direct result of losing

erspective, or putting an irrational spin on what is happening in your life. If you are

xperiencing a lot of stress, chances are very good that you have cultivated private habits

f thought that are making your life more hassled than it is has to be. Irrational patterns of

hinking are so common that psychologists have come up with names for them all of us

an recognize, including " overgeneralizing ," " catastrophizing ," "jumping to conclusions,"

nd "pleasing others." We'll take a closer look at these bad habits in this lesson's

ssignment.

magine that your thoughts are like the dials on the dashboard of your car. If the

emperature gauge registers that your car is overheating, you are going to pull over as

oon as you can to have it checked. If the oil light goes on, you'll do something right away

o ensure no serious damage is done. So you take it in and the mechanic tells you, "Your

ar is fine. I think that gauge needs replacing because it's giving you a false reading."

The same can be true of your mind. To gain perspective, you'll need to replace bad habits

Getting swept

away by it all

Why do we allow

our thoughts to

sweep us away?

What you see

happening is the

force of habit.

Your thoughts are

automatic. They

pass through your

mind so quickly

that you may noteven be aware

that anything took

place. You are

aware, however,

of the debris of

negative feelings

and behavior they

leave in their

wake. Think

about a recent

stressful event.

Can you identify

any bad habitsthat arose in your

reaction?

Gettingperspective


12/38

f thinking with more constructive habits. While going through the initial stages of this

rocess, you may not have the presence of mind to stop an irrational thought before it has

licited in you a stressful reaction. You'll probably find yourself doing more cleaning up

fter the damage has been done rather than preventing it from happening.

But you will also become aware of the negative feelings and habits, and you can use this

wareness as a signal to hunt out and replace destructive thoughts with more constructive

houghts. And, as your skill level with this technique grows, you'll be able to nip crooked

houghts in the bud. Let's now see how we can begin to master our private thoughts and

abits.

While unforeseen

accidents are

likely to happen,

rather than

panicking and

making the

situation worse,

you can protect

yourself with

services that will

help you get backon your feet as

soon as possible.

Mastering your thoughts

recommend the following four steps for gaining control of a situation in which your private

houghts are likely to give you false readings:

Step #1: What am I telling myself?

As soon as you find yourself getting tense, stop and reflect on what your

thoughts are telling you about the situation. The best way to do this is to take

out a piece of paper and start jotting down all the ideas that come to mind.

Step #2: Is my self-talk helping?

Seriously consider whether the way you are sizing up a situation is reallyconstructive or destructive. In other words, what are you gaining and losing

in looking at things in your habitual way?

Step #3: What constructive thoughts can I use in place of my negative thoughts?

In this step, you are inviting other perspectives into your mind. It helps at this

point to label your irrational thoughts. Are you making a mountain out of a

molehill? Ask yourself if things are really all that bad, and answer truthfully.

Jumping to conclusions? Offer yourself some alternative explanations for

what has happened.

Step #4: How can I behave in a way that is consistent with these positive thoughts?

This final step is a powerful way to regain composure. In effect, act like you

want to feel. If you want to feel calm and composed, act like a calm and

composed person. Your body will be getting the message to maintain control

from two sources: Your well-reasoned thoughts about the situation and the

signals from your behavior that everything is under control.

et's look at how you can apply these four steps to an actual stressful situation.

Applying these steps

et's put ourselves in Gayle's shoes. She's been on a diet for several months. Lately it

asn't gone very well, and she has exceeded her calorie limit more than a couple of times.

Gayle suspects that the culprit (trigger) is her fear that she will not meet her weight loss

Feeding yourselfpositive thoughts

Your irrational

thoughts and their

impact on your

stress response

are better

controlled when

they are caught

early. Let them go

unchecked and

you will find

yourself

overwhelmed withintense feelings

that are

disproportionate

to the event that

you are

responding to.

You are what you

think. Feed

yourself positive

thoughts and you

will be a positive

person.


13/38

oal by the time she takes the vacation she has been planning for months. Gayle wants to

urn off this mounting pressure, but doesn't know how.

What would do if you were Gayle?

Step #1: What am I telling myself? "If you don't start losing weight faster, you won't be

thin enough for your trip to Hawaii and everything will be ruined."

Step #2: Is my self-talk helping? Definitely not. This pressure is making me feel anxious,

which means I eat more. I'm seeing myself as a failure. And I'm getting irritable with my

kids, which is unfair. Pressuring myself is making me gain weight, not lose it.

Step #3: What constructive thoughts can I use in place of my negative thoughts? I willallow myself to take my time. Even if I go to Hawaii at this weight, I'll still have fun. I'll

start losing weight again anyway. I shouldn't catastrophize because it's not the end of

the world.

Step #4: How can I now behave in a way that is consistent with these positive thoughts?

You know what, since this self-punishment is very depressing and counterproductive,

I'm going to take a nice long walk tonight. Plus, I'll do something for myself tomorrow by

buying that nice sweater I've been eyeing.

Progressing through your thoughts in a logical manner is a very powerful technique, and

ou'll find that it plays a major role in managing stress. Because your thoughts help define

our perspective (that is, your external actions and internal reactions), it is important to

ake note of inaccurate or unreasonable thoughts that may contribute to stress. Awareness

f what you are saying to yourself and why is important in stopping the stress that ismanufactured by irrational thoughts. Equally important is your skill in countering self-

efeating thoughts with more constructive rebuttals.

These four steps will help you achieve this goal. So will the LifePACT model's second

rinciple, autonomy, which we'll introduce next before discussing it in greater depth in

esson 4.

ntroducing the second LifePACT principle

When you accept that problems and frustrations and disappointments are inevitable in this

world, then life becomes more enjoyable. By practicing the second LifePACT principle,

Autonomy, and replacing "Why is this happening to me?" with "What can I do about what is

appening to me?" you will move from feeling victimized by life to taking charge of your

fe.

We saw earlier that perspective is developing constructive habits in the private behaviors

f our thoughts. Autonomy is developing habits in the public behaviors of problem solving

nd action. The first step toward achieving autonomy is recognizing that there are only two

ways in which life can be stressful: When you don't get what you want, and when you get

what you don't want.

A quick example

et's say that Bob's boss gave him a really great performance appraisal session last

month. Bob was also led to expect a six-percent salary increase, and he had begun to plan

n it. He opens up his salary statement expecting to see the increase but there is no

ncrease. Obviously Bob didn't get what he wanted, but how does he react?

Depending on the spin or perspective Bob puts on this event, his private thoughts and

eelings can range from mild disappointment to outrage. But in and of themselves, these

houghts and feelings will change nothing. The basic fact of the situation remains: He didn'tet the raise. That's a problem. What should Bob do? Should he accept this reality without

uestion? Should he appeal? Should he seek more information? What's Bob's next step?

When you start asking yourself these questions, you begin to invoke the principle of

utonomy. In other words, you are on the way to becoming a problem solver.


14/38

Making autonomous decisions

Finding a suitable life partner, for instance, is an important developmental task. There are

wo correct decisions you can make: You can either choose the right person or you can not

hoose the wrong person. Likewise, there are two ways of making a mistake: You can

hoose the wrong person or you can not choose the right person.

am oversimplifying things, of course. Relationship success is more than a single decision.

The point is that every act of problem solving is basically choosing a course of action.

There are things you can change even though you think you can't. There are things youan't change, even though you think you can. Competent problem solving is being able to

istinguish between things that can be fixed and those things that are out of your control.

et's take a look at another example.

ake arrives at work completely worn out. Last night, his next-door neighbor had a wild,

runken party at his house, keeping him up all night. The neighbor is a blustering,

isagreeable man who has no consideration for others. When Jake called him at about

:00 a.m. and asked him to be less noisy, the neighbor was abusive and insulting. Things

uieted down later on, but when Jake finally got some rest, he overslept. Because of this,

e skips breakfast and hurries to work.

As he is leaving the house he notices that someone has driven a car across one corner of

is lawn and torn out several feet of his new hedge. Jake is sure it was either the neighbor

r one of his drunken guests. Jake storms up to the neighbor's door and demands an

xplanation. The neighbor denies everything and then tells Jake to get off his property.

When Jake gets to work, he is more than an hour late, and his nerves are so ragged he is

ctually shaking. Every conceivable thing has gone wrong.

To evaluate the quality of problem solving exhibited by Jake in this slice of his life, let's

onsider the problems he chose to deal with and those he chose not to deal with:

ake chose to confront the neighbor at 3:00 am. Was that a good decision? We know theeighbor is a "blustering, disagreeable man who has no consideration for others." There's

ttle surprise in the outcome of that confrontation. On the other hand, instead of taking

teps to wake up on time, Jake oversleeps. What's more, he could have eaten, but he

hose to skip breakfast. So, now, stressed about being late and, on an empty stomach, he

makes another run at the neighbor.

Based on this example, Jake is not a competent problem solver.

Moving forward

As you now know, perspective is the LifePACT principle of managing stress by directing

our private habits of thought and expectation. Much of the stress you experience is the

irect result of losing perspective, or putting an irrational spin, on what is happening in your

fe. By following the four steps we discussed above, you'll be able to gain control of a

ituation in which your private thoughts are likely to give you false readings that only lead

o unhealthy levels of stress.

We were also introduced to autonomy, which is developing habits in the public behaviors

f problem solving and action. In the next lesson, we'll take a closer look at this LifePACT

rinciple, including rehearsing to avoid negative reactions and recognizing then stopping

rocrastination.

Quiz #3Question 1:

There is only one kind of habit.

) True


15/38

B) False

Question 2:

There are bad habits and good habits. To gain perspective, you'll need to replace bad habits of thinking with

more constructive habits.

) True

B) False

Question 3:

One way to manage stress is to do the first thing that occurs to you when approaching potentially stressfulituations.

) True

B) False

Question 4:

Autonomy is developing constructive habits in the private behaviors of our thoughts.

) True

B) False

Autonomy: managing your handsThis lesson takes a closer look at the major element of autonomy -- identifying and then dealing with

rocrastination. Then we'll introduce the third LifePACT principle: connectedness, the skill of managing your

eart.

Putting autonomy into practice

n the previous lesson we learned that our habits fall into one of two categories, public or

rivate. We learned that perspective is the LifePACT principle of managing stress by

irecting your private habits of thought and expectation. We were also introduced to the

econd LifePACT principle: Autonomy, which concerns developing habits in the public

ehaviors of problem solving and action.

As we saw at the end of Lesson 2, Jake only exacerbated his stress. If he had perspective

nd practiced autonomy, he would have known that competent problem-solving begins with

eing able to distinguish between things that can be fixed and things that cannot be fixed.

Before discussing connectedness, the third LifePACT principle, let's take a closer look at the

major element of autonomy -- identifying and then dealing with procrastination.

Procrastination

Procrastination is the habit of putting off until later something that could be done now. It is a

orm of poor problem solving that can lead to needless stress. According to noted time-

management expert David Allen, unfinished tasks are stressful because they lead to mind

lutter. When you tell yourself you ought to do something and then don't do it, you don't quit

hinking about it. The task that you haven't performed occupies your attention like the

emains of a smashed grasshopper on your windshield.

Soon you feel overwhelmed, depressed, and discouraged. But, because the things you

ostpone accumulate, besides these emotional consequences there are a number of

ractical ones as well. Procrastination can eventually lead to a number of problems with

riends, employers, spouses, and others.

The causes of procrastination are varied. For some people it may be the pressures of a

ifficult schedule. For others it may be an aversion to mundane or boring tasks. Here are

ome of the more common reasons people procrastinate:

Depression: When you are depressed, any activity will seem pointless. In the extreme,

you may come to the conclusion that nothing you do will ever be able to make you feel

Rehearsing toavoid negativereactions

When

overwhelmed by

emotion, we

have an

overpowering

urge to do

something

immediately. But

every time you

tackle a problem

impulsively, you

set yourself up

for needlessstress. In this

lesson's

assignment,

you'll learn a

method to stop

the upsetting

effects of

impulsive

behavior by

taking a "time

out" to formulate

healthy

responses to

stressful

situations.

A step in the rightdirection


16/38

better.

Overload: You can overload yourself into not wanting to do anything. You may assume

you have to do everything at once, or you may assume that you have to carry out a huge

task to completion before stopping.

The "I can't" habit: You automatically assume that you are incapable of performing some

task. So, as soon as the thought of doing it comes to mind, you quickly snuff it out with "I

can't" or "I would, but . . . I just can't."

Self-labeling: If you've been procrastinating for a while, you may have accepted the label

"lazy" or "procrastinator." This leads to expecting little of yourself and serves to justify old

patterns.

No payoff: You may procrastinate not because the task is hard but because you simply

don't feel the reward is worth the work.Perfectionism: You put off doing things because you have goals and expectations that

won't let you settle for anything less than a magnificent performance.

Fear of failure: You imagine that putting in the effort and not succeeding would be an

overwhelming personal defeat, so you refuse to try at all.

Fear of success: You feel that your accomplishments will raise expectations that you can't

meet, or you fear that people will make greater demands on you, which you then must

meet.

Fear of disapproval: You fear that a mistake or flub will provoke criticism from others. You

can also fear rejection when asserting yourself in a stressful situation.

Coercion resentment: You feel intense pressure from within and without to perform.

Thoughts of "should" and "must" and "have no other choice but to" only make you feel

obliged, resentful, and tense.

Low frustration tolerance: You assume that life and reaching your goals should be easy.You react against the "unfairness" of things being difficult or unpleasant by giving up or

not taking on tasks.

Guilt and self-blame: You are frozen in the conviction that you are bad or have let others

down. This leads to not feeling motivated or wanting to do anything.

Next, let's learn how we can stop procrastination.

When stressed,

you will put off

the things that

you know you

should do -- and

then it's too late

when a crisis

happens and

you're not

prepared.

Protect yourselfwith easy-to-

purchase

services from

HP.

How to stop procrastination

f there is something that you've thought about needing to do but haven't done yet, chancesre that it's eating at you. You've got to get that item off your mind. Since procrastination is a

abit, it can be changed like any other habit. By approaching tasks systematically and with

easonable goals, most people can expect to find significant relief from their looming

roblems. The following tips will also help you achieve this goal:

Positive payoff method: "What do I really enjoy doing?" The answer might be talking to a

friend, reading the paper, or listening to music. After selecting this enjoyment, make a

contract with yourself to keep doing the postponed project a minimum number of times or

length of time each day. Only reward yourself with the enjoyable thing after you have

worked on the project. No excuses.

Set time method: Setting a precise time for doing something can help a lot. For example,

forcing yourself to exercise first thing in the morning could result in a habitual routine of

exercise.Visualization method: Go anywhere to be alone. Close your eyes, completely relax, and

put all distracting thoughts out of your mind. When you're fully relaxed, think of

completing a task that you have been postponing. Try to visualize in every detail the

carrying out of that task.

Friendly partner method: Enlist the help of another person to assist you. If you find

studying difficult, join a friend who doesn't have an aversion to studying. By associating

with someone who, simply by completing the task, is a good example, you will be more

likely to tackle an unpleasant task.

Billboards method: This method requires posting little reminders around your office or

home to keep the idea of doing something on your mind. For example, "DOING GETS IT

DONE" or "DO IT NOW."

Public commitment: Any task has a greater chance of being completed when you formallycommit yourself to doing it. You will be more likely to work on losing 10 pounds, quitting

smoking, or writing a book if you make a promise to do it to a friend, a spouse, an

employer, or someone else you respect and trust.

The five-minute plan: In the five-minute plan, you agree to start a project and to stay with

it for at least five minutes. At the end of that time period, you ask yourself whether you will

continue for another five minutes. You don't have to work beyond the original time period,

but once the inertia builds you may find yourself wanting to.

Be honest withyourself

It sometimes

takes a lot of

frank honesty for

an individual to

distinguish

between

problematic

procrastination

and healthy

postponement.

One way of

determining

whether or not

you have a valid

reason for

putting

something off is

to take a piece

of paper and list

the advantages

and

disadvantages

of doing thepending task

immediately.

The longer of

the two lists will

be an objective

basis for taking

the proper


17/38

Greedy partner method: This is a variation of the friendly partner method. In this instance,

you contract with a friend to call you any time during a prescribed interval. If at the time of

the call you are not doing a specified task, your friend wins lunch or some other prize.

Good procrastination?

A popular misconception about procrastination is the belief that all forms of procrastination

re bad. But the only kind of procrastination that is problematic is the kind that has negative

onsequences. There are some situations in which procrastination is a good idea, including

he following:

Energy shortage: You're too tired or overextended. If you went ahead with a task under

such conditions, you'd probably use bad judgment, make a poor decision, or simply end

up having to do the job all over again. Acknowledge your limits and take time out when

you are frazzled.

Knowledge shortage: You don't have enough information to start or finish a project. Going

ahead without it could mean wasted effort in the wrong direction, such as filling out your

tax return for a fast refund without having all the documentation you need.

Trigger-happiness: You have a tendency to act impulsively. If you're angry with your boss

and you really want to go in and argue with her, putting off a meeting for a few days will

give you time to cool down and avoid a potentially self-destructive encounter. Similarly, if

someone asks you to do something for him and you always say, "Sure," without

evaluating whether you can or want to do it, tell the person, "Let me check my calendar

and call you back." Putting off an immediate answer can save you from stress later.Subconscious avoidance: You find that you consistently put off action in a specific

situation. Your delay may be a subconscious signal to "rethink" your involvement. If

you're putting off sending a job application, you may not really want the job. Or if you

don't want to call a boyfriend or girlfriend after repeated messages from him or her,

maybe you're ambivalent about pursuing the relationship. Asking yourself, "Is this what I

really want to do?" can help if the required action just doesn't feel "right."

Always remember that autonomy is the principle of managing the stress in your life by sizing

p the problems that come your way, fixing those problems that you can fix, and accepting

he problems that you cannot. If you are frequently not getting what you want in life, it may

ot be that you aren't trying or aren't doing the right things. It could be that the battles you're

waging are not winnable.

action.

ntroducing the third LifePACT principle

n a Psychology Today editorial, Robert Epstein tells about a treasure hidden in a beat-up

walnut desk in the Old Executive Office Building in Washington, DC. Nicks and gouges are

learly visible despite several heavy coats of lacquer. But it deserves to look worn out. For

ears it served a succession of American presidents and vice presidents. That fact alone

makes it worthy of respect.

However, for those who take the time to look beyond the external flaws of this venerable oldiece of furniture, a quaint secret awaits discovery. In the softwood of the main drawer are

he signatures of all the officials who have ever sat at the desk, including Harry Truman,

Richard Nixon, Al Gore, and Hubert Humphrey. Imperfect on the outside, this worn out desk

s a lot like the people in our lives. After taking the time to look more closely, you'll be able to

nd something unique inside.

Connectedness is the LifePACT principle of managing stress through quality relationships

with other people. Supportive relationships with others reveal the treasures hidden in them.

More importantly, relationships with others will reveal the many treasures that are hidden

within you.

People need people

You benefit in many ways from social contact. Other people act as support while you unload

he baggage of hurts and distress. Many times all you need is a sympathetic ear. By hearing

ourself speak, you'll gain a new perspective. Frustrations and fears seem less intimidating

when they have been aired in the presence of another person. Support from others

Evaluating yoursocial network

Take stock of

your social

network by

making several

lists. Who doyou see when

you have a

problem? When

you want to

socialize or be

challenged?

Who do you go

to when you

want

acceptance and

approval or

good advice?When you want

to learn

something new,

feel better about

yourself, or

simply to learn

what's going on?


18/38

mboldens you to confront situations that you might otherwise avoid.

People who have a number of contacts and an effective support network usually do best

with change and challenges. There are relatively few things in life that you need to go

hrough alone. Reach out to others in times of uncertainty and stress. People can help by

eing a resource for relevant information, emotional support, perspective, distraction, fun,

nd alternative solutions.

Different people can meet different needs. Family, friends and co-workers are all able to

meet different needs, but no one person can meet them all. Building supportive relationshipsmeans spending more time with friends you want to know better and letting them know

ncreasingly more intimate things about yourself -- your likes and dislikes, your fears and

oals, etc.

Connectedness also means disclosing increasingly more personal information when you

ense that the other person is willing to do so as well. Finally, building supportive

elationships means that you, too, provide a supportive ear. True support is built on a

oundation of active listening and mutual self-disclosure.

f you don't have a network of people who can meet these needs, it may be because you

ave difficulty in reaching out for help. You may believe that you will be considered weak orumb if you don't do everything on your own. An attitude of rugged individualism may have

worked for you in the past, but it's out of date in this age of interdependence. The image of

he fearless entrepreneur who faces impossible odds in a solitary quest for success is a

myth. Talk to successful business owners and they will tell you there are no self-made

millionaires. Nobody succeeds without the assistance of mentors, advisors, and supporters.

Moving forward

Autonomy solves problems by helping you distinguish between things that can be fixed and

hose things that are out of your control. Procrastination, on the other hand, is a form of poor

roblem solving. By procrastinating for no good reason, you are only postponing thenevitable. In fact, you may be exacerbating an already stressful situation. It not only can

make you feel overwhelmed and depressed and discouraged, but it can also lead to any

umber of problems with the people in your life. But, since procrastination is a habit, it can

e changed like any other habit. As we learned in this lesson, most people can expect to

nd significant relief from procrastination by approaching problems and tasks both

ystematically and with reasonable goals.

You also learned about connectedness, which is the third LifePACT principle.

Connectedness is the skill of managing your heart. To manage your heart is to manage your

lace in the community of fellow humans with whom you live out your life. In Lesson 5, we'll

ee how to build quality relationships with other people.

Does one of

these lists look

skimpier than

the others? How

can this be

rectified?

Assignment #2

t is not easy to work on the bad habit of reacting impulsively to stressful situations. When you are

verwhelmed by emotion, there is an overpowering urge to do something immediately. But every time

ou tackle a problem in this way, you're setting yourself up for needless stress. Here's a good way to

ut a stop to this kind of impulsive behavior: in moments when you are not particularly upset, rehearse

ow you want to behave when you are upset. To do this, take a "time out" and finish each of these

hree statements: When I _____ , to avoid _____ , I will _____ .

et's give it a try by applying these statements to the following episode: Barbara has the bad habit ofinge eating whenever she is having conflicts with her boyfriend.

How would you help her finish each of these three statements?

When I am having a conflict with my boyfriend, I start to feel sad and upset and sorry for myself,1.


19/38

and I begin thinking, "What's the use, I owe it to myself to indulge myself a little . . ."

To avoid eating until I make myself sick, then feeling guilty and even worse than I did before I2.

started eating, and gaining extra pounds which are hard to lose, I'll . . .

I will ask my boyfriend, as soon as I notice we are arguing, to help us not fight. If he doesn't3.

agree, then I will . . .

Please discuss your responses with your classmates on the Message Board.

Quiz #4Question 1:

Procrastination is the habit of putting off until later something that could be done now.

) True

B) False

Question 2:

All of the things you put off each day only accumulate and exacerbate your stress.

) True

B) False

Question 3:

Procrastination can be caused by

A) Depression

B) A fear of failure or success

C) Feeling overloaded by work

D) All of the above

Question 4:

There is no such thing as good procrastination.

) TrueB) False

Connectedness: managing your heartTo manage your heart is to manage your place in the community of fellow humans with whom you live out your

fe. Today we'll learn how to strengthen connections with your community, including becoming assertive and

ealing with difficult people.

Learning to be assertive

Now you know that, in order to develop your newfound sense of autonomy, you'll need to

dentify and then bolster good habits in the public behaviors of problem solving and action.

The major element of this LifePACT principle is dealing with bad forms of procrastination in

productive rather than a destructive manner. No matter what your reasons for

rocrastinating, by approaching tasks systematically and with reasonable goals, you'll be

ble to find significant relief from this stressor.

You were also introduced to connectedness, which is the third LifePACT principle.

Managing stress through quality relationships with supportive people you enjoy spending

me with is an extremely powerful tool. In this lesson, we'll learn how to deal with difficult

eople and build a network of intimate connections and healthy relationships. But first, let's

ake a look at becoming assertive -- without being overly aggressive or defensive.

dentifying non-assertive tendencies

f reaching out to others is difficult for you, it may be because you're not being assertive

nough. So let's begin our discussion of connectedness by looking at an example of non-

Assertivenesstraininginformation

The Internet is a

handy weapon

on your quest to

becoming an

assertive but

sociable

individual.

Psychology

InformationOnline is a font of

information. Also,

try the archive for

assertiveness

training

information at

Selfgrowth.com.
http://www.selfgrowth.com/assert.htmlhttp://psychologyinfo.com/treatment/assertiveness.htmlhttp://psychologyinfo.com/treatment/assertiveness.htmlhttp://psychologyinfo.com/treatment/assertiveness.html


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ssertiveness that most of us can relate to:

The elaborate dinner Stacie made for herself and Carlos has grown cold. Instead of being

ome at 7:00 as promised, Carlos has finally arrived at 10:30 -- the third time in two weeks

hat he has gotten home from work late. It's also the third time he has failed to let her know

hat he would be delayed. Stacie feels hurt and angry as she reheats the dinner and

repares the table. But she bottles it all up inside, thinking, "I should complain, but I don't

want him to feel I'm being petty."

Sound familiar?

Reaching out to others

Assertiveness is the quiet, purposeful expression of your feelings without being aggressive

r defensive and in a manner and tone so as to indicate that you are not about to be

manipulated, bullied, or cajoled. Instead of labeling other individuals or attacking their

pinions, assertive people rationally express all of the feelings that need to be expressed.

n other words, they avoid accumulating, or "bottling up," inner tensions.

Opportunities are lost when people bottle up their emotions, and unpleasant situations

oon become intolerable. In time, bad feelings can build to a point where one more event

an trigger an explosion of resentment that in turn provokes criticism or rejection. Research

as shown that most people can be assertive in some situations while being ineffectual in

thers. Becoming assertive on a full-time basis entails a long learning process. Therefore,

ou can learn to become as assertive as you wish, depending upon the time and effort that

ou are willing to invest in acquiring the necessary skills.

Here are some tips for helping you improve your assertiveness:

Keep track of your assertiveness: Keep a log or diary for a week. Record each day those

situations in which you found yourself responding assertively, those in which you "blew

it," and those you avoided altogether so that you would not have to feel uncomfortable.This will not only help you identify patterns in your behavior but also help chart your

progress as an assertive being.

Set realistic goals: Be conservative in the goals you set. Especially in the beginning,

you'll need a lot of reinforcement to maintain efforts to improve your interpersonal skills.

So be sure to start with a small, low-risk step to maximize your chances of success.

Rehearse before you act: If possible, think about how you plan to handle a particular

situation before actually entering that situation. To do this, spend a few minutes getting

yourself calm. Then, as vividly as you can, imagine yourself going through the steps of

dealing with the person with whom you wish to be assertive. Include in your fantasy the

feelings of tension and nervousness that are likely, as well as the thoughts that you will

probably have. Follow the image all the way up to the point where you feel good about

having handled the person so effectively.

Reach out: Make it a point, as you go through your day, of expressing warm and friendlyfeelings to the people that you encounter. People trying to improve their interpersonal

effectiveness often overlook this highly assertive behavior. A hug, a compliment, a warm,

firm handshake conveys to people the message, "You mean a great deal to me at this

moment."

Anticipate reactions: Your new patterns of assertiveness and confidence may be

upsetting to people who are accustomed to a more passive you. When this happens, it

sometimes is helpful to recreate in your mind the exchange that the other person took as

offensive. Perhaps in your attempt to be assertive, you went into the aggressive end of

behavior. This is not at all uncommon, so don't be dismayed by this. You may even

realize that you're experiencing another's surprised reaction to the newly confident you!

Take care of yourself: Become an advocate for yourself. Don't put up with putting

yourself down. The human machine works best when uncluttered with negative material.

It's OK to be a fair judge of your own behavior, but don't go overboard in the process.

Start catching yourself when you engage in self-put-down behavior. Replace these

messages immediately with positive, self-confident ones.

Expect lapses: Don't get discouraged if, after a few weeks of doing well, you find yourself

slipping into some of your old habits again. That is pretty typical of most people learning

any new skill. Simply learn what you can from these slips and get back on the program.


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By developing a proactive and assertive self you'll be able to create and foster a supportive

ocial network. As we'll see in the next section, assertiveness can help you deal with

ifficult people while also furthering intimate connections.

Dealing with difficult people and building intimate connections

There is a dark side of interpersonal relationships as well. While people can be supportive

nd nurturing, they can also be difficult and draining. These difficult people are everywhere.

Any occupation or activity that involves interacting with a group has the potential to lead to

nterpersonal stress.

A difficult person is anyone who evokes in you a negative emotion such as anger, guilt,

adness, or anxiety. The problem needing to be fixed is a negative emotion, which has

een evoked by a gap between how we want things to be and how they actually are. The

oal is to alleviate the negative feeling by closing the gap between what we want and what

we have.

One way to do this is to adjust our expectations so that they are more in line with what we

re experiencing. Another approach is to accept the negative feelings and move on to

omeone or something else. A third, but less effective, option is to try to change the

ehavior of the other person so they begin to behave like we would like them to behave.

Skillfulness in dealing with the difficult is a seamless meshing of the private victory of self-

management and the public victory of effectively relating to others. Here are some tips on

ealing with difficult people:

Keep difficult people in perspective: Don't dignify their behavior by taking them too

seriously. Their offensive behavior is their problem, not yours. Don't allow them to ruin

your mood.

Don't expect them to change: They usually won't. In a way, that's good. Because they

are more predictable, you can plan ahead and prepare your tactics for the next time you

meet.

Respond as well as listen: Come forward and state that you feel upset, annoyed, or

enraged. No one can read your mind. Sometimes the offense is unintentional and easily

resolved.

Manage yourself first: Take control of yourself if you find your feelings getting too

intense. Go somewhere to vent your feelings and cool off. Think about the result you

want. That will help you let go of the hurt.

Stay calm and unemotional: Be straightforward and matter-of-fact. The more you do this,

the more respect you'll gain. Don't continue a conversation with anyone who refuses to

give you the courtesy you deserve. Remember that you have options, such as asking for

politeness or leaving the room.

Be gracious: Someone else's rudeness doesn't give you the right to be rude. You can

turn a bad situation to your advantage by disarming the offenders with the kind of

kindness you'd like to be shown and allowing others to feel important.Give and request feedback: Don't stew about what someone else is thinking -- ask. Use

open-ended questions to let emotional people vent their feelings before you try to reason

with them. When you link your objectives with another's wants, you both will win

something.

Be patient with yourself: Let your goal be to become a human relations expert. Look at

each exchange, whether good or bad, as a new lesson in your course on how to deal

with others. Distance yourself from the fray in highly charged situations and marvel at the

fascinating complexity and variety of human behavior.

Become a role model: Let your day-to-day behavior be an example to others of the value

and power of assertive respect and dignity in interpersonal dealings. Others will grow to

admire, respect, and recognize you for the personal power you possess.

Although becoming an assertive social being is not an easy task, always remember thatou have an entire lifetime in which you can continue to improve. Next, let's see how we

an begin to build intimate connections with others.

ntimate connections

Anything you'd liketo add?

As unique and

vibrant

individuals, we all

look for different

things in a

relationship. Do

you feel that this

discussion has

left something

out? What would

you add to it?

What do you look

for in arelationship? Do

they end up

emulating your

vision, or do they

become difficult

and disappoint?

Will your

newfound sense

of assertiveness

help you achieve

your relationship

goals? Go to the

Message Boardand talk about it.


22/38

Perhaps the most important connection you will make is with a life partner. What follows

re several characteristics common to most good intimate relationships:

Both partners feel they are getting most of what they want from the relationship.

Both partners are productive in ways that are important to them as individuals. Some

experience individual productiveness through professional careers or hobbies. Others

experience it by being in charge of the home and family.

Both partners are comfortable about sharing their satisfactions with one another, now as

well as in times to come.

Both partners are comfortable about sharing the tasks and trials that are unpleasant to

the other.

Both partners get satisfaction from being supportive to each other.Both partners have the ability and willingness to adapt to the never-ending changes and

circumstances that affect the relationship.

Now that we know what to look for in a supportive, loving and truly intimate relationship,

et's see how we can begin to nurture a healthy network of friends and family.

Fostering healthy relationships

A rewarding relationship doesn't just happen. It requires skill and commitment. Merely

taying together won't strengthen your feelings for each other. It requires daily effort. The

ollowing tips have proven to assist other couples:

Encourage each other often: Make it a practice to encourage your partner daily. Nobody

ever gets enough positive feedback. It seems simple, but the most common complaint

among couples is that each is not appreciated by the other. In lasting relationships,

partners make an effort to value and encourage one another.

Communicate openly and honestly: Be open and willing to share your thoughts and

feelings, as well as to listen to your partner. Since sharing is more appropriate at certain

times than others, sometimes it is wise to postpone a discussion.

Deal with conflict: Life involves conflict. In healthy relationships, couples can manage

and respond to conflict in effective ways. Believe that you can work out your problems

together. Then invest the time and do it.

Develop the courage to be imperfect: Be willing to apologize. The forgiveness processshould not dwell on the past but focus on "Where do we go from here?"

Support each other fully: Provide consistent and dependable support. Learn to suspend

judgment and provide encouragement even when your partner's goals temporarily

conflict with your best interests.

Develop regular times for fun each week: Schedule time to be alone with each other.

Fun should be a weekly, even a daily, activity.

Manage your relationship: Hold partners' meetings. Prepare a short agenda of things

you want to discuss. This can range from decisions that have to be made, plans that

have to be confirmed, or anything that may be bothering either one of you. Renegotiate

agreements around partner issues that may have unraveled or for which circumstances

have changed.

Develop shared dreams, goals, and interests: Shared dreams and interests provide

opportunity for conversation and mutual enjoyment. Couples with shared goals are lessdisturbed by minor or major crises.

Be self-accepting: The more you accept yourself, the more you will accept your partner.

Mutual self-acceptance promotes both personal growth and growth of the relationship.

Adopt realistic expectations: Society fosters unrealistic, romantic expectations of

relationships. Even in the best relationships some dreams and expectations go

unfulfilled. Always be honest and realistic with yourself when assessing relationships.

Protect your investment: Think of your relationship as a highly valued enterprise. Nurture

a relationship by giving it the time and attention it needs to grow. Since there's so much

a

HP-CourseSession 306041 Stress Sanity Survival

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