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Raising your Self-Esteem
December 2018
Copyright Penny Holburn 2018 www.lifecoachingbusiness.co.za
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Self-Esteem: Part 1
Welcome and congratulations! You have elected to work on a personal development topic that I firmly
believe is one of the most important you will ever deal with. Self-esteem was not a topic dealt with
much forty to fifty years ago, but it has become one of increasing importance in the last few decades
of the twentieth century and into the twenty-first century. To be without self-esteem is considered a
huge disadvantage. To have good self-esteem is considered essential in life. Why? In this first part
we will look at what self-esteem is all about. That is, I will attempt a definition of self-esteem. We
will also look at how high and low self-esteem manifest, and consequently why high self-esteem has
never been more important in the world today. Before we do that though, I want us to look at how
you can get the most from this book.
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1. Getting the most from this book
There is a lot of material in this book. It will take time to get through everything. In fact you can use
the material over and over again and each time you go through it, you will get more and more out. I
would advise you to do this. Don’t just go through the exercises once. If your self-esteem is very low
then you definitely will benefit from doing the full set of exercises several times over. Even if you have
worked through the material before, if you are experiencing a series of challenging events in your life
your self-esteem may take a knock and you will get benefit from doing the exercises again. Note that
just reading through the material is not going to give you the benefits that actually doing the exercises
will. You have to actually do the work.
As you start growing in self-esteem, confidence and assertiveness, you may find there are people who
don’t like the “new you”. They would rather you stayed your “old self”. These are usually people who
benefited from your previous self. They are people who like having others around them who don’t
respect and stand up for themselves. Maybe it meant they could treat you badly and get away with
it. Maybe they got so used to having everything their own way and never having to consider your
needs and wants. And now they don’t like having to be considerate and respectful towards you. If
this is so, give them some time to adjust to the changed you, but also consider if these are people you
really want in your life. It is not uncommon for people to change who they spend time with when
they grow in self-esteem. Some people you will have outgrown. Move on. Some people will embrace
the more confident you. You will attract new and healthier people of a similar level of self-esteem
into your life.
As you go through the exercises, which will not always be easy, remember that the effort you are
putting in will build the foundation for you to lead a happy and successful life. With confidence and a
strong sense of self-worth you will set bigger goals and achieve more for your life. And know that you
are worth that.
From my side, I wish you all the best. Know that you are worth nothing less than the best in life.
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2. Quick Self-Assessment:
Before we actually get onto the information, have a look at the questions/statements below and
record your answers. This will orient you for what is to follow in the rest of the book.
1. I battle to look in the mirror and tell myself I love myself.
2. I don’t think I like myself.
3. I don’t believe people when they offer me compliments.
4. When I feel I have done something socially awkward I focus on it for days.
5. I am forever saying I am sorry.
6. It is very difficult for me to ask for help and when I do I offer apologies.
7. I am hard on myself when I make mistakes and I call myself derogatory names like stupid.
8. If I meet someone I like it is difficult for me to follow up with them.
9. I say and do things to get the approval of others.
10. I find it difficult to express my needs.
11. My family and friends tell me how to live my life.
12. I suffer from a great deal of stress.
13. People undermine me in front of others.
14. People take advantage of my kind nature.
15. I am the person at work that always works extra hours at the last minute.
16. I often feel worthless after an encounter with another person but don’t always know why.
17. I am the person who always ends up having to do the work that no one else wants to.
18. I cancel plans because of a last minute request from a friend.
19. I feel responsible for making other people happy.
20. I go along with the plans of others even when I want to do something else.
21. I feel I must defend my actions to other people.
22. I do lots for others but hate having to ask other people for a favour.
23. When people criticise me I automatically accept what they say about me as true and feel bad
about myself.
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24. People share information with me – such as secrets – which I wish they would not.
25. I find myself in relationships where I am abused.
The more your answers are yes, the lower your self-esteem. If you are thinking to yourself that you
are a hopeless case and there is just so much work to do, don’t despair. Sometimes people with very
low self-esteem respond very well to the exercises and can achieve a lot in a short time. No matter
how low you feel, or how bad you think things are, you can make progress, and quite a lot of progress,
in a fairly short amount of time. The more work you need to do, the more quickly you usually start to
see results. Whatever you do, don’t give up. Millions of people have improved their self-esteem, and
you most definitely can too.
Now let us go back to those questions and make some comments about them.
1. I battle to look in the mirror and tell myself I love myself.
2. I don’t think I like myself.
People with high self-esteem and confidence like themselves and find it easy to tell themselves they
like and love themselves. They think and act in ways that show others they like and love themselves.
3. I don’t believe people when they offer me compliments.
People with high self-esteem and confidence accept compliments with ease because they know they
are worthy of compliments.
4. When I feel I have done something socially awkward I focus on it for days.
People with high self-esteem and confidence are not overly concerned with the opinions of others.
They also allow themselves to make mistakes and mess up, and they let it go quickly and move on.
5. I am forever saying I am sorry.
People with high self-esteem and confidence say sorry only when they have done something they
truly need to be sorry for.
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6. It is very difficult for me to ask for help and when I do I offer apologies.
People with high self-esteem recognise that they deserve to get help and that other people would,
in most cases, like to help out. They recognise that they are not being an awful burden on someone
else when they ask for help.
7. I am hard on myself when I make mistakes and I call myself derogatory names like stupid.
People with high self-esteem recognise that mistakes are normal and don’t condemn themselves
for making mistakes. They learn and move on. They understand everyone makes mistakes.
8. If I meet someone I like, it is difficult for me to follow up with them.
People with high self-esteem believe they are people of worth and value and expect that many other
people will like them. They are comfortable to pursue what they want and if they experience
rejection they don’t take it personally, they move on. They recognise that rejection is not a reflection
of their own worth.
9. I say and do things to get the approval of others.
People with high self-esteem do not need the approval of others. They only need their own
approval. They do things and say things that are in accordance with how they think and feel. If
others don’t approve they don’t take this as a reflection of their worth.
10. I find it difficult to express my needs.
People with high self-esteem are able to express what they need and want to others because they
know they are worth honouring their own needs and wants.
11. My family and friends tell me how to live my life.
People with high self-esteem realise they need to live life on their own terms. They need to live life
according to their gifts and talents and purposes and no one else can tell them what the right way
for them to live their life is.
12. I suffer from a great deal of stress.
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People with high self-esteem and confidence manage the expectations of others and have realistic
expectations of themselves. In this way they tend to be less stressed than people with low self-
esteem and low levels of assertiveness.
13. People undermine me in front of others.
People with high self-esteem set standards as to how others may treat them. If others do not treat
them right they say something or leave. They do not allow others to get away with continually
treating them poorly.
14. People take advantage of my kind nature.
People with high self-esteem and confidence are kind, however they know where to draw the line
and don’t allow others to take advantage of their good nature. They are kind to others as well as
themselves. They consider themselves as well as others.
15. I am the person at work that always works extra hours at the last minute.
People with high self-esteem realise that they deserve to be treated as well as everyone else and
do not allow themselves to become the scapegoat. They don’t always put themselves second. They
show other people that they value themselves and their time and require others to also respect
them and their time.
16. I often feel worthless after an encounter with another person but don’t always know why.
People with high self-esteem are grounded. That is, they have a strong sense of who they are and
don’t define themselves in terms of what happens in an encounter with another person. How
someone acts is a reflection of them and not of you. People with high self-esteem know they are
not worthless, and so don’t allow the actions of others to make them feel worthless.
17. I am the person who always ends up having to do the work that no one else wants to.
People with high self-esteem can say no. They also realise that saying no means saying no to the
task and not necessarily the person. They refuse to be the doormat and take on the work that no
one else wants to do unless it is specifically their job to do it.
18. I cancel plans because of a last minute request from a friend.
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People with high self-esteem value their time and the time of others. If they have made plans which
will include a commitment to others to be in a certain place at a certain time, they stick to those
plans. They treat all people with respect.
19. I feel responsible for making other people happy.
People with high self-esteem realise they are not responsible for the thoughts, feelings and
behaviours of others. They are only responsible for the thoughts, feelings and behaviours of
themselves. They know that other people are responsible for their own happiness. While they may
help others in need, they don’t take on the burden of someone else’s happiness and wellbeing.
20. I go along with the plans of others even when I want to do something else.
People with high self-esteem value their time and will not do things they really don’t want to do.
However, people with high self-esteem also realise that in order to have relationships and
friendships compromise is sometimes required. So they will compromise when necessary, but will
not be the one doing all the compromising all of the time.
21. I feel I must defend my actions to other people.
People with high self-esteem realise they do not have to explain themselves to others. They are
entitled to their own opinions and to partake in activities they like and other people do not always
need a long explanation as to why they do what they do.
22. I do lots for others but hate having to ask other people for a favour.
People with high self-esteem believe in “give and receive”. They are happy to give and they are also
happy to receive. They realise they are worth asking for something and also realise that many
people love to help others out.
23. When people criticise me I automatically accept what they say about me as true and feel bad
about myself.
People with high self-esteem know who they are and know their strengths and weaknesses. They
do not automatically accept everything said about them. They carefully evaluate comments and
criticism to see if there is any validity in what is being said. If there is room for improvement they
don’t get defensive they make the changes they need to make.
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24. People share information with me – such as secrets – which I wish they would not.
People with high self-esteem do not allow others to engage in actions which make them feel
uncomfortable. They say “no” or “not interested” and walk away when someone suggests or does
something that makes them feel uncomfortable.
25. I find myself in relationships where I am abused.
People with high self-esteem do not allow others to abuse them. They walk away or make plans to
exit an abusive situation.
Write down some of your learnings from this self-assessment exercise…………………
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3. What is self-esteem?
Definitions of self-esteem abound, and this is one that I like and use. Self-esteem is a personal
evaluation of my worthiness and capability for life. It is about self-worth and self-efficacy
(competence). Note that it is a personal judgement – it is what I think of myself, not what others think
of me. It is expressed in the attitudes and beliefs I hold towards myself. To have high self-esteem is
to believe that I am worthy to life: I am worthy of success, worthy of happiness, worthy of love and
being cared for, worthy of productive and enjoyable work, and worthy of being me. It means I am
worth standing up for my needs and wants. It means I am worth the respect of others. It means I
recognise that I have value. It means I am relaxed and accepting of who I am. It means I don’t have to
pretend to be someone other than who I am.
It does not mean that I am perfect. It does not mean that I believe I have nothing to learn or that I am
superior to others. It does not mean I approach life with a sense of entitlement. It means that I am
worthy of a good life and so are others. I am of value and so is everyone else. I may make mistakes,
but that still does not make me unworthy as a human being. Deep down at the core of my being I
deserve to be here and I am a worthy and valuable human being.
Why self-esteem matters?
There is an abundance of research that shows high self-esteem is correlated with happiness and
success in life. Research shows that people with high self-esteem are far more likely to be successful
in their work and their relationships. They have better health, take better care of their physical and
mental well-being, and are more likely to report being happy and feeling fulfilled. People with high
self-esteem have fewer mental health issues and recover faster from life’s challenges. People with
high self-esteem are likely to persist in tough times. They are better able to respond to challenges in
life and to make use of opportunities, as well as create opportunities, for themselves and others.
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People with high self-esteem are far more likely to be successful in all types of relationships. And this
stems from the principle that we tend to treat others the way we treat ourselves. If I experience
myself as worthwhile I am more likely to treat other people as worthwhile. If I like who I am, then I
am more likely to be honest in my communications and express my true needs and desires. If I have
respect for myself then I am more likely to treat others with respect, fairness and kindness. If I have
a positive view towards myself I am more likely to approach people expecting a positive response.
In the world of today with the accelerated rate of technological change and exponential growth of
knowledge, high self-esteem is an imperative. The world today calls for people who are independent,
innovative, responsible, self-reliant, and can manage and direct their lives. In short, people who have
a clear sense of self-worth and competence. Low self-esteem correlates with resistance to change and
holding onto what is familiar.
We need more entrepreneurial thinking –as well as more entrepreneurs. Even big corporates need
their people to think like entrepreneurs if they are to survive. And entrepreneurial thinking requires
self-esteem. The days of the company man – where you followed instructions your whole career and
in turn the company provided a job and pay cheque for you are gone. In those days if you did not
have high self-esteem it was not that important. Nowadays, it is crucial to have high self-esteem. You
absolutely need to believe in yourself and your worth, embrace change and learn to get it to work for
you. You need a strong sense of self and self-belief. You need to persevere. You need to learn new
things all the time. You need to believe that you can learn new things.
Without high self-esteem you cannot realise your potential. And society needs people to realise their
potential. Society needs individuals with high self-esteem. If you are not the best you can be, then
others are not going to get the best of you. The best of you, the realisation of your highest possibilities,
means that everyone else gets the benefit too.
We need leaders in every sphere of life. And leaders need high self-esteem. In fact many of the
practices to build high self-esteem are the same as key leadership development practices.
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How we develop self-esteem
This book is based on the premise that we can improve our self-esteem. And you can. There are
countless numbers of people who have done so. If you are thinking you are stuck with what you have,
that is not the truth. Provided you don’t have a very serious brain injury that prevents you from
learning new thoughts, there is no reason you cannot improve your self-esteem. Most people
underestimate their ability to grow and change. As humans we have the capacity to think about our
thinking. We have choice. The brain has the property of neuroplasticity which means that it is not
fixed. It can change, and does change a lot based on our thoughts and actions. We have the choice
as to whether or not to engage in practices that enhance or shrink our self-esteem. And I am going to
say that again because it is so very, very important. We have the choice as to whether we are going
to raise our own self-esteem or not. If we choose not to, then we must accept the consequences of
our choice.
When we are very young self-esteem is shaped by others around us – by parents, teachers, the media
and society. As we get older (and brain development allows us to think more about our thinking) so
we are able to impact on our own self-esteem more and more. As an adult you may have poor self-
esteem as a result of past experiences, but you have the capacity to change, and you can change,
considerably, if you put in the work. Low self-esteem comes, not only from the ways in which others
have wounded us, but also from the ways in which we inflict wounds on ourselves.
Parents with high self-esteem tend to raise children with high self-esteem. Teachers with high self-
esteem tend to be better teachers. In fact teachers who help the child develop self-esteem, can,
sometimes, ameliorate the impact of parental neglect and damage to some extent. Parents and
teachers with low self-esteem are more punitive, impatient and authoritative. They focus on
weaknesses rather than strengths; they inspire fearfulness, dependency and defensiveness. They are
not good at inspiring children to be their best. Children model what they see. If they interact with
adults with high self-esteem, they are more likely to model, and so learn, high self-esteem. Parents
and teachers with high self-esteem are more likely to encourage problem solving processes, convey
they accept the child, and want the child to be their best. They encourage self-awareness and growth.
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Low self-esteem parents and teachers create fear and pain and this leads to self-contraction rather
than self-expression and self-development.
Self-esteem is usually a matter of degree – so think of it as being on a continuum. Usually no one has
zero self-esteem and no one is above improving their self-esteem. Self-esteem also fluctuates
depending on the circumstances in your life. When things are going well, people report higher levels
of self-esteem. When things are not going well, many people experience a drop in self-esteem. Self-
esteem also varies according to how much you work on it. Like our muscles, when you work on your
self-esteem, it strengthens. And you can work on your self-esteem, although you may have never
thought about it. The skills involved in building and maintaining your self-esteem are probably among
the most important life skills you will ever learn. And please, once you have learned them, you need
to practice them. You must practice them often. It took years of different life experiences and your
own thinking (good and bad) to get you to your current level of self-esteem, and things will not
improve overnight no matter what anyone might say. You have to work at your self-esteem
consistently because in effect you have to re-programme the way you think about yourself. In the
same way you regularly go to gym if you want to be fit, you need to set aside some regular time to
work on your self-esteem muscles. If you do, you will start to see some very big differences in your
life.
High or low self-esteem is the result of myriads of interactions. It is the result of our experiences
growing up, the experiences we have today, and the interpretations we have given to those
experiences. It is the result of the actions we have or have not taken in response to life experiences,
and how we have interpreted these. In growing up, sometimes we may never form a positive image
of ourselves. We may come to see ourselves as incompetent, useless and worthless. And we may
never challenge this self-image. When we do, when we grow in self-esteem, we grow in the belief that
we are capable and competent to life and we are worthy of respect and happiness. We are able to
experience life with greater kindness and compassion, we feel more optimistic and proactive, and we
are able to set and reach our goals.
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People with high self-esteem generally treat others in such a way as to protect or enhance their self-
esteem. People with low self-esteem act in ways that dismiss and disrespect others. People with high
self-esteem are more likely to pursue relationships that support and nourish them. People with low
self-esteem are more likely to pursue destructive and damaging relationships. The higher our self-
esteem the less likely we are to perceive other people as threats, and so the more likely we are to
treat them with respect and kindness and dignity.
Although our self-esteem may be influenced by others, especially when we are children, self-esteem
is not about what others think of us. It is about the way we see ourselves. It is about the way we talk
about ourselves. It is about the way we think about ourselves. We can have family who love and adore
us but we can dislike ourselves and treat ourselves badly. We can have friends who think we are the
kindest most generous person on earth, but we can think we are horrible and wonder why anyone
would want to be friends with us. We can have work colleagues who think we add so much value to
the business, but we can feel like we are imposters and wonder when we will be found out. We can
have clients who would do business with us any day, but we can feel that we are never doing enough
for our clients and wonder why they come back. We can have any number of people think we are
valuable, lovable, and competent, but if we don’t think so, if we believe we are worthless, then we
need to do some work on our self-esteem. Because self-esteem is the result of the way you evaluate
yourself, only you can change your self-esteem. And you can change your self-esteem only by working
on yourself. (Working on other people is not going to change your self-esteem so leave them alone.
Let them get on with their lives and their issues.)
Based on the discussion above, how high would you rate your self-esteem on a scale of 1 – 10 where
1 is low and 10 is high? _____________________
Why…..
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What self-esteem is not…
Some people think self-esteem can be improved through acquiring material things. If I have the high
paying job, the celebrity status, the mansion, the beautiful/handsome partner, then I will feel better
about myself. Then I will have high self-esteem. But self-esteem cannot be obtained by acquiring
material things. It is not about what you have, it is about what you think of yourself. If you believe
that your value depends on your material possessions, or the job you have, or the wealth you have
created, then you don’t have high self-esteem. In fact, it is often only when you lose everything that
you get to really understand your sense of self. That doesn’t mean don’t go for the great job or the
money or the material things. Just remember they don’t define your worth. Your sense of worth needs
to be at the core of you, and not dependent on what you have or what others say about you. No
matter what you have, or do not have, you are a worthy human being.
You cannot have too much self-esteem. That is like saying you can be too healthy. Self-esteem is not
boasting or bragging or arrogance. If you are okay with yourself there is no need to push yourself
forward or make yourself something you are not, or bring someone else down. You don’t want to be
superior to others – everyone is seen as equally valuable. Self-esteem is not narcissism either.
Narcissism is thinking I am greater than others. It is needing to put others down in order to raise my
opinion of myself. It is self-glorification at the expense of others. In fact narcissism is usually a result
of low self-esteem rather than too much self-esteem. Arrogance and boastfulness are also
expressions of low self-esteem. A person with high self-esteem has no need to put others down. A
person with high self-esteem is comfortable in their own skin. They have no need to pretend to be
someone they are not. A narcissist has to pretend to feel good because inside they don’t feel good or
worthy at all.
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Low self-esteem means I accept discourtesy, abuse, and exploitation from others and I do the same
to myself. With low self-esteem we fear the future and the new, we aspire to little and we achieve
little. With low self-esteem we display inappropriate conformity, defensiveness, and over-controlling
behaviour, defiance and rebelliousness. With low self-esteem we value people only for what they can
do for us, not for who they are. With low self-esteem there is no inner foundation of security. Deep
inside is the sense that “I am not okay”. Poor self-esteem places us in an adversarial relationship to
our wellbeing. We envy and are resentful. Energy is siphoned off to deal with our fears. We feel like
everything we do is not enough – we are not enough. We feel we cannot learn what we need to. We
deny and get defensive. To admit to a mistake is to damn ourselves. We are manipulated by fear. We
feel inadequate to the challenges of life. We feel there is something wrong with us. We believe we
are lacking in something.
To have low self-esteem is to be in a dark and sad place. It is a place where our actions are driven by
the approval of others and a sense of worthlessness. To have high self-esteem is to be in a positive,
action-oriented place, taking responsibility for our choices and actions. It is a place where we
celebrate our worth and proactively live our lives according to our goals and dreams.
4. Self-Concept: Our beliefs about us
Self-concept is destiny. Our self-concept is who and what we
consciously and unconsciously think we are – our possibilities
and limitations, our strengths and weaknesses. Without
understanding our self-concept it is difficult to understand
our behaviour because our self-concept (our self-image)
drives our actions. Understanding your self-image may help
you understand why you do what you do – even when it
seems contrary to your best interests.
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The image we have of ourselves is very important. It determines how we will behave. If we have an
image of ourselves as someone who is unintelligent and hopeless at studying, then those beliefs, those
opinions we have of ourselves, will determine our actions. We will avoid taking difficult classes. We
will avoid studying as much as we can. We will choose a career that is suitable for “unintelligent
people”. When we get into our career we will avoid putting ourselves forward for promotions. We
will avoid further studying that could move us into a higher income bracket or the managerial ranks.
Our self-concept is formed by the beliefs we have of ourselves. We will always act according to our
self-concept because we need to experience congruence between our beliefs and our behaviour. It is
not possible for most people to hold beliefs and act in a way that is incongruent with them. We need
a consistent image of ourselves. Because our self-concept is so important, and because our self-
concept may be made up of beliefs that are false and hold us back, it is important to start identifying
what the beliefs are that make up the image we hold of ourselves.
Your self-image sets the standard at which you will function. You will never consistently rise above the
image you have of yourself.
What are some of the words you would use to describe yourself? E.g. funny, lazy, smart, kind, anxious,
sad, energetic, etc.
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5. What is a belief?
If I were to ask you what some of your beliefs are, you could probably give me lots of examples. We
have beliefs about everything. We have beliefs about people we know, we have beliefs about what
teachers are supposed to do, we have beliefs about marriage, we have beliefs around what we should
eat, we have beliefs around politicians, we have beliefs around how others should behave, we have
beliefs about ourselves, and so on. We have beliefs about all sorts of things. If you were to fill in the
rest of the sentence with different endings, I believe………………………………..., there would be many,
many different types of endings that you could come up with.
Some examples of beliefs people might hold:
• I am unattractive
• Teenagers are rebellious
• Politicians are liars
• Women are emotional
• I am clumsy
• Men are aggressive
• I am no good at sports
• Men and women should earn the same pay for the same work
• Women should take care of the children
• In bad economic times it is impossible to find a job
• If you study hard enough you can pass any exam
• If you work hard you will get results
• Without a degree you will never get a good job
And so on and so on.
Beliefs are, quite simply, thoughts that we have, that we are convinced (believe) are true. They are
thoughts we have, that over time, have become entrenched in our minds as the truth. Now here is
the important aspect. Although we are convinced our beliefs are true, for the most part, beliefs are
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not facts. They are opinions. They are opinions which we have internalised as truths for us. And
because we are convinced they are true, we act as if they are true. We act as if they are facts.
6. How are beliefs formed?
Most people accept that when we are born we have few, if any beliefs. As we grow during our early
years we pay attention to the words and behaviour of the people around us. As the brain develops
and we start to learn language and give meaning to the words we hear and the behaviour we observe,
so we start to form thoughts. The people we are most likely to interact with when we are babies are
our caregivers. They are the first people we listen to and observe. We hear what they say to us and
to others. We observe the way they respond to us and others. As words are repeated and associated
with different observations so we start to develop meaning for what we hear and see. Statements
that get repeated over and over again become more significant and if said often enough lead to us
believing they are true. They lead to us forming beliefs. When others around us say the same thing
over and over again, so the belief gets stronger. Eventually we don’t need someone else to repeat the
statement, we have now internalised the statement as the truth. So, if you were always smiling and
laughing as a baby and your parents told you and others how you were such a happy baby, you may
have come to develop a belief that you were a happy baby and now may see yourself as a happy
person. If your extended family also referred to you as happy then the belief gets stronger. If you
were sick a few times as a baby and you heard your family refer to you all the time as a sickly baby,
you may come to develop the belief that you are a sickly person.
The earliest beliefs we form are usually the same as our parents and families. As we move onto school
and form friendships, so the circle of influence increases and these groups influence our beliefs too.
The media: TV, newspapers, movies etc. also influence our beliefs. If you want to understand some
of your earliest beliefs then look at the beliefs of your family, your primary school friends, your
teachers, the media, and other influential people at the time you were a child. It is highly likely that
you at some stage had the same beliefs as them. In fact you may still have many of the same beliefs.
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Our senses are continually being bombarded with stimuli. We have more sensory information hitting
our eyes, ears, noses, taste buds, and skin than we can deal with at any one time. We cope by
selectively attending to stimuli. Information that seems important or that has strong emotions
associated with it is attended to. Other information is screened out. The information that we pay
attention to, as well as the information we screen out, is influenced by our beliefs. We pay more
attention to information that supports already established beliefs. This of course, further strengthens
our beliefs. We will interpret information according to our beliefs. If you think you are not good at
math and you flunk a test you are more likely to interpret the outcome to your not being good at
math. If you have a belief that you are a math whizz, you are more likely to interpret the result as due
to an unfair test or feeling ill.
Our earliest beliefs are some of our most influential and core beliefs. They are the beliefs we learnt
when we were very young. Most of us didn’t interrogate these beliefs as to whether they were true
or not. We accepted them because they came from adults around us whom we relied on and looked
up to. These early beliefs also influenced later beliefs that we formed. Belief structures formed in our
minds can get very complicated, and many of the beliefs we have can be traced back to core beliefs
that were formed when we were very young, and hence very impressionable.
Beliefs are views or opinions that we are convinced are true. If our beliefs help us get ahead in life
then they serve us. If our beliefs help us live our dream life then they serve us. If our beliefs serve us
– then well and good! But if our beliefs hinder us in the achievement of our goals in life then they
limit us. If our beliefs limit us and what we can achieve, then we have a problem. We have a problem
because we are allowing opinions to hold us back. We are acting as if these opinions were truths,
when they are just opinions. If your beliefs do not serve you and they are not true, then you want to
change them. And because beliefs – for the most part – are not facts, they are views and opinions, it
is possible to change them. And in the next section we will look at how you can change limiting beliefs
that you have.
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As your final exercise for Part 1, I want you to write down beliefs you have about yourself. I have given
some examples. I want you to write down your own list and come up with at least 20 beliefs you have
about yourself; who you are and what you can or cannot do.
For example: (don’t write these down unless they are your beliefs)
• I am intelligent
• I am lazy
• Nothing good ever happens to me
• Other people should treat me with respect
• I have musical ability
• If I ask for what I want I won’t get it
• I am unlovable
• I can be a good leader
• I have to be perfect
• I am not good at managing money
• No one cares what I have to say
• I deserve the best in life
• I can achieve my goals
• Everything I try turns out badly for me
Your turn
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Self-Esteem: Part 2
1. Beliefs Continued
We have started looking at beliefs. Thoughts we have that we are convinced are true. Our beliefs are
important because they determine how we feel and how we act. We have beliefs about everything in
life, and from the point of view of this book, we have lots and lots of beliefs about ourselves. These
are beliefs that make up our self-image and so influence our self-esteem.
When you talk about yourself, you use lots of words to describe yourself. Previously, you wrote down
a number of words to describe yourself. Many of these words reflect beliefs you have about yourself.
Beliefs you have about what you are good at and what you are not good at. Beliefs about what you
are worth and what you think you are not deserving of. And note, they are not facts, they are just
opinions. We have beliefs about how much we think we can achieve in life and how much we think
we cannot achieve. We have beliefs about what others like about us and what others can’t stand
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about us. We have beliefs about whether people will like us, and if they do, how they will show they
like us. Many, if not most of these beliefs, have come from accepting and internalising the opinions
of others. Often those we spent a lot of time around when we were young. And whatever our beliefs
are, they influence our behaviour. We act in accordance with our beliefs. Our behaviour then
produces results which reinforce our beliefs. If you believe you cannot do math, you stress so much
before a math test that you do badly on the test and that outcome reinforces your belief that you
cannot do math. If you believe other people are unfriendly, you will not be friendly around them and
so they in turn will not respond well to you. The result is that your belief that people are unfriendly is
confirmed. Our self-image is made up of beliefs we have about ourselves.
As children our self-image is influenced by what adults say about us, and do to us, and others. Our
self-image is made up of the opinions and views of other adults. Lacking the skills of the adult, we hear
what others say about us and think it must be true. We experience how others treat us and make
assumptions as to who we are. From a self-esteem perspective, as children we hear and observe adults
respond to us about our worth and our competence. And based on how they act, so we create our
own beliefs about our worth and competence to life. As children our self-esteem, self-confidence,
and self-respect can be nurtured or undermined by adults (parents, teachers, grandparents, friends
etc.) – according to whether we are loved, respected, valued, and encouraged to trust ourselves.
Examples of beliefs we may have relating to our self-image
• I am very friendly
• I am not lovable
• People enjoy my company
• I am really good at my job
• I feel like I don’t deserve anything
• Bad things always happen to me
• My feelings don’t matter
• My opinions don’t count
• I don’t deserve to be happy
• I am good at sports
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• I am useless at math
• Nothing I do is ever enough
• I always have to keep proving myself
• I am ugly
• Other people like me
Read through the list of beliefs above and write down which of these beliefs are positive, that is, which
of these beliefs are empowering beliefs. Empowering beliefs are beliefs that help you move forwards
in life towards achieving your goals and dreams.
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Which of these are negative beliefs? Negative or limiting beliefs are those beliefs which stop you from
achieving your best, your potential in life. Write these down.
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Now I would like you to think about some of your own beliefs that you have about yourself. Don’t
worry if this seems very hard at first, it is for everyone. Like most things, learning to recognise your
beliefs requires practise, and the more you practise the better you get at it. To help you identify some
of your own beliefs ask yourself the following questions. Write down answers that immediately come
to mind.
• What did your parents tell you was good about you when you were a child? (e.g polite,…)
• What did your parents tell you was not good about you as a child? (e.g. clumsy, …)
• What did your teachers reprimand you for? (e.g. daydreaming, poor spelling, ….)
• What did your teachers praise you for? (e.g. trying hard, maths, sports, ….)
• What do your friends like about you? (e.g. punctual, considerate, …)
• What do your friends dislike about you? (e.g. complain a lot, argue a lot, …)
• What are some of the things you believe you are good at doing? (e.g. giving advice,….)
• What are some of the things you believe are weaknesses of yours? (passive, …)
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Note that your answers to the above questions may not reflect beliefs you hold about yourself. Your
teachers may have told you that you were noisy in class, but when you think about it, you actually
don’t have that belief about yourself. In fact, you believe yourself to be a quiet person who doesn’t
talk a lot. So go through all your answers above and see which are beliefs you may have formed about
yourself, based on what these people said to you when you were young. And then see which of these
you still consider to be true. Remember a belief means that I hold it to be true about me.
Then write down as many beliefs as you can think of that you have about yourself. You can always
start this exercise and come back to it later. As you give yourself a chance to think about your beliefs,
so you will find that more beliefs will start coming to mind over the next few days. Write them all
down. You want to know yourself as well as you can. You want to know what you think of yourself.
Your beliefs drive your actions. The life you have currently reflects the beliefs you have. If you don’t
make conscious the beliefs you have about yourself, they will continue to drive your actions.
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Read through the beliefs you have written down. These give you a good idea of the self-image you
have.
Some examples of negative/limiting beliefs about the self
• Other people’s needs must always come before my own
• I am unlucky in life
• I am too full of myself
• I am stupid ( note this is a generalisation and generalisations are almost never true. You have
to be good at something)
• I am a horrible person
• I make such lousy decisions
• I am not intelligent
• Other people do not like me
• I am such a selfish person
• I do not deserve to be really happy
• If I express my true feelings other people will reject me
• I need the approval of others
• Who am I to think that I could do.............(fill in the blanks).
• I am such a disappointment to others
• I am so insecure and needy
• Everybody just uses me
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• Nobody loves me
• I never get my way
• I’m not good enough
• I don’t do enough
• I don’t deserve.......(fill in the blanks)
• I have to be perfect
• I am too lazy/short/tall/ugly/dumb/worthless…. etc.
• I always do everything wrong
• I am a failure
• I am not worth earning ................ amount of money
• Given my past, I can never be happy
• Everything I try turns out badly for me
• No one wants to be with me
• I am nothing special
• I will never feel wanted
• I am not acceptable as I am
• I need to be somebody different for others to like me
• Everyone else does things better than me
• I don’t deserve anything
• Good things do not happen to people like me
• I don’t deserve success
Some examples of positive/empowering beliefs about the self
• I am worth achieving my goals
• I love and accept myself as I am
• I have as much right to be here as anyone else
• I am a unique and special person
• I will always be enough
• I am always okay as a person, even if I make mistakes
• I can handle challenges that come my way
• I am okay with expressing myself
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• I am worth having a good life
• I stand up for myself
• I value myself
• I have a right to ask for what I want
• I have wonderful inner confidence
• Every day I grow in self confidence
• My views and opinions count as much as others’ do
• Most people like me and I like them
• I make excellent decisions
• I can learn new skills at any age
• I make the right choices for my life
• I have talents and gifts, just like everyone else
• I can be confident in all types of situations
• I believe in my ability to achieve success
• I am able to be myself in any situation
• I express myself clearly
• I believe in myself
• I am a good person
• I trust and respect myself
• I trust my intuition
• I always do the best I can
• I learn from my mistakes
• No person has power over me
• I am a strong and powerful person
• I know how to bounce back from any situation
• I am able to say no when I don’t want to do something
• I am comfortable to express my thoughts and feelings
• I can learn to improve my self-esteem
• I am worth having high self-esteem
• I honour what I feel and what is happening to me
• I respect myself and others
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• I have a right to my own feelings and thoughts, values and opinions, and I have a right to
express them in appropriate ways
Go back to the beliefs you wrote about yourself earlier. Select those that are positive and empowering
and tick them. Put a cross next to all those beliefs that are negative or limiting.
Now you have some idea of the beliefs – thoughts that you are convinced are true – about yourself.
We call this becoming conscious. You are becoming more aware of how you think and in turn this may
help you understand why you have behaved the way you have. When you understand some of your
beliefs, you may start to see with a great deal more clarity why you take the action you do. You may
also start to see why you get the results you do. The state of your life right now is a good reflection
of your current beliefs.
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Some beliefs core to High Self-Esteem
• I love and accept myself right now as I am
• I am perfectly lovable as I am
• I am a unique and special person
• I deserve the best that life has to offer
• I have a right to express myself in ways that are appropriate and don’t hurt others
• I am competent to solve problems that come my way
• I value myself and other people see this and value me too
• I believe in my ability to achieve success
• I make good decisions
• I trust my feelings
• I make decisions that are right for me
• I may make mistakes but I am still a worthwhile person
• It is okay for me to be myself in a situation
• I deserve success
• I deserve happiness
• I respect myself
• I have a right to be happy and realise my full potential
• I have a right to exist
• I am valuable
• I have a right to honour my wants and needs and treat them as important
• I am not here on earth to live up to the expectations of others
• I am not someone’s property and no one else is my property
• I am loveable
• I like who I am
• I will usually be liked and respected by people I like and respect.
• I should deal with others fairly and justly as others should deal with me fairly and justly
• I deserve to be treated courteously and with respect by everyone
• If other people do not treat me with courtesy and respect it is a reflection on them and not
me
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• If someone I like does not return the feeling it may be disappointing and painful but it is not a
reflection on my worth
• No individual or group has the power to decide how I will think about myself
• It is okay to make mistakes as that is one of the ways I will learn.
As you read through these I want you to really think about these beliefs, and ask yourself, “If I really
believed this, who would I be and what would I do.” And consider if it would mean being or doing
different from right now.
What would you do differently in your life, if you truly honoured yourself?
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2. What impact do our beliefs have on our lives?
Our thoughts influence our behaviour. Now because beliefs are thoughts that we are convinced are
true, our behaviour, the way we act, will be according to our beliefs. One of the best examples of this
is to look at the self-fulfilling prophecy. If you have a belief that you are stupid you will act accordingly.
You will not volunteer for the tough courses. You will not engage in further training and development
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unless you really have to, and even then you will engage with the expectation of failing. You will
repeatedly tell yourself that you are stupid with the result that you will become convinced of this. You
will repeatedly tell others that you are stupid and with enough repetition even those who don’t believe
you at first may eventually become convinced you are stupid. Eventually your opinion of yourself
becomes your reality. And you remain trapped in this version of reality until something happens to
get you to doubt your original belief (that you are stupid).
Self-Fulfilling Prophecy
You may have heard of the self-fulfilling prophecy. If you have not, this is what it is.
“A Self-fulfilling Prophecy is a prediction that causes itself to come true due to the simple fact that the
prediction was made.” In other words, when a positive or negative belief is strongly held to be the
truth when it is actually false, the belief can sufficiently influence people so that their actions
ultimately fulfill the false belief.
The best way to understand this is to look at an example. Let us say that a woman thinks that her
husband will leave her for another woman. Then according to the self-fulfilling prophecy her belief
will cause her to act so as to make it come true. She might get jealous easily and make a fuss about
him being friends with other women. She might pick fights whenever she suspects that he is
interacting with a female colleague, or she might go through his personal things to look for evidence
of cheating. Eventually, her actions will put a strain on their marriage, and her husband just might
leave her, causing her prediction to come true.
What I believe about myself comes true for me. So choose to believe good things about yourself.
(But root this in reality. Being manic, arrogant or boastful is not helpful. Actually it is damaging to you
and others.)
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Now take a look at some of the negative beliefs that you wrote down. Start with those that are
potentially the most harmful, and go through this process for all your negative beliefs. Underline your
negative beliefs you wrote down earlier or circle them or mark them in some other way you prefer.
Once you have done this, for each negative belief ask yourself the following questions and write down
the answers. Write down as many answers as you can. It is important that you consider as many
negative costs and consequences as possible because that helps with changing your beliefs. The more
pain we have around a belief and the more we realise how we are losing out in life by having that
belief, the more motivated we are to change it.
So for each negative belief you have marked write down your answers to the questions below.
Answer all 4 questions.
1. What is the cost to me of holding this negative belief?
Example: I have held myself back from making friends, I have neglected my health, I have not put
myself forward for promotions I really wanted, I have felt unhappy and worthless, I have lost out on
the increased income I could have earned, etc. As you write down the negative impacts of holding that
belief consider the consequences in every single area of your life: Relationships, financial, career,
health, social, mental, spiritual, recreation, family.
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2. What has having this belief cost me over the past five years? Consider all areas of your life.
Add up five years worth of costs.
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3. What will having this belief continue to cost me in the next five years? Consider all areas of
your life. What are you going to lose by not changing this belief over the next five years?
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4. What are the benefits to me of changing this limiting belief? In other words, what if I believed
something different? Once again, consider all aspects of life.
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3. Changing negative or limiting beliefs
The above can be quite a depressing exercise to do. You may feel shocked and upset. You may be
angry that no one has taught you about beliefs and the impact of negative beliefs on your life.
Fortunately, because we are human beings, and we have a brain that includes the prefrontal cortex,
we can change these thoughts. We can decide what it is we want to think. We can work on eliminating
beliefs that clearly are unhelpful, and develop new beliefs that work for us. Below is a process I use
for getting people to change their beliefs.
Pick one of your negative beliefs? One I get quite a few people saying to me is, “I am lazy”.
Step 1: Ask yourself the following questions. “Is this a fact or someone’s opinion?” “Is this
changeable?”
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So is the statement, “I am lazy”, a fact? Think carefully about it. No, it is not. It is very unlikely, even
if you have been brainwashed into believing that you are lazy in one area of life, that you are lazy in
all areas of life. I have many clients who will say they are too lazy to do exercise. However, when it
comes to their work life, they are anything but lazy. Besides, what is the definition of lazy? There is
no universally accepted definition of lazy.
Now let’s say that no amount of pointing out that you are not lazy budges your opinion that you are
lazy. Ask the question, “Is it changeable”? And the answer is that it is.
Step 2: Ask yourself if this is a limiting belief? Does this hold you back from achieving what you
would like in life? If it doesn’t then leave it and go on to the next belief. If it does hold you back in
life, you want to change it. So write down next to the belief, “I want to change this”.
Step 3: To change a belief we need to challenge it. If you are having a discussion or a meeting and
someone challenges a statement it immediately opens up the opportunity for doubt to come into the
room. So you need to bring up doubt about the validity of your belief. And to do this, ask yourself
some questions which will challenge the foundations of this belief.
Questions you can ask to challenge a belief:
• Are there situations in the past where this belief has not been true? There may have been
instances in your past, your childhood or teenage years, when you worked really hard. If
there is one instance in your life when you were not lazy, then the statement, “I am lazy”, is
false.
• Are there other areas of my life (work, relationships, hobbies etc.) where this belief has not
been true?
• Are there other people in life for whom this belief is not true? Could I also do what they did?
• Can I see that this belief is not a fact – it is an opinion of someone? What is lazy? Is there an
accepted definition of what lazy is? No. It is a subjective opinion.
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Step 4: Ask yourself the question, “What would be some better beliefs for me to have”?
When you do step 4 you need to think about what you write down. Some clients for instance will start
with a belief that no one loves them. That is usually fairly easy to challenge because it is not difficult
to find people somewhere in your life who love you in some way. A better belief, however, is not,
“everyone loves me”, because that does not make sense and to have that belief is not going to help
you in life either. There is no one, not even Mother Teresa or Nelson Mandela, who has had everyone
love them. You will end up behaving as a narcissist and having more problems and unhappiness. After
all, for everyone, there are people who will love you and those who won’t. So a better belief would
be, “Some people will love me and others won’t.” “If I treat others with respect and kindness they are
most likely to respond with respect and kindness,” is another.
For the belief, “I am lazy”, better beliefs could be: “I work hard when I am interested in the subject.”
“I can find exercise to do that I enjoy.” “I can set myself goals and achieve them according to
timelines.”
Example: Belief: I am not good at talking to people I have just met.
Step 1: Is this belief a fact? Is this belief changeable? No, it is not a fact. What is the criterion for
deciding that you are not good at talking to people? It will differ from person to person. It is an
opinion. It might be a majority opinion around the people you know, but it is still an opinion. And it
is changeable. Learning to talk to people is a skill. It is a skill that people can learn with practice and
support.
Step 2: Does this belief hold me back? Is it a limiting belief in my life? Let us say that you are in sales.
Your job is to bring on board new clients. Now this belief will hold you back if your job is to meet new
people and engage them in conversation. So, yes, in this instance, this is a limiting belief.
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Step 3: Now challenge this belief. Are there other areas of your life where you are comfortable talking
to new people? You may not like talking to new people in a work situation, but maybe you are
comfortable meeting new members of your extended family. Maybe you are comfortable making
new friends over the internet. Are there hobbies and interests that you have where you find it easy
to talk to new people? Was there ever a time in your life when you did not find it difficult to talk to
new people? Then consider other people. Are there people who maybe also found it difficult to talk
to new people and have learned to do it? If they can, then why can’t you? Write down every instance
you can think of that challenges this belief. The more examples you can find to challenge this belief
the more the negative belief will just collapse. Beliefs become stronger the more instances we can
find to support them. In other words, the more you tell yourself that you cannot talk to new people
the more you will come to believe it. The more you find examples to challenge, to counteract, that
belief, the easier it will be for that belief to collapse.
Step 4: What are better beliefs for me to have?
• People can learn the skills to be good at talking to new people
• I have a valuable product to offer these people that would really make a positive difference in
their lives.
• I find people interesting and enjoy finding out what makes them tick
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Now pick the negative beliefs you have underlined and that you want to change and follow the four
step process for each of these limiting beliefs. Complete all the four steps for each belief before you
move onto the next belief. Use more paper if you need to (which you will).
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4. Learning/Installing new beliefs
Okay, so now if you have done all the work above, you have written down some much better beliefs
about yourself. Having written down new beliefs, however, does not mean that these will be the
thoughts you automatically have. Your old beliefs became automatic ways of thinking through
repetition. They represent deeply entrenched neural pathways in your brain. To entrench new
beliefs, to get your new beliefs to become the automatic way in which you think, you need to embed
these and create new neural pathways. Fortunately the physiology of the brain allows you to do this.
And because the human brain is able to change throughout our years, you can change and embed new
thoughts at any age. How long it takes depends on how much effort you put in, amongst other things.
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You need to repeat your new beliefs over and over again. Repetition does make these beliefs more
automatic. Ideally you want to repeat these new beliefs several times a day for a few months.
Eventually, through repetition you will find that they become the automatic way you think. You want
to repeat your new beliefs at least once a day, preferably twice a day, for the first 3 months and then
repeat them at least three times a week thereafter. You can always do more though, and that is even
better.
Another trick to embedding your new beliefs is to use visualisation. Take some time each day, morning
or evening, and visualise yourself thinking, feeling and acting with these new beliefs. Actually create
a movie of yourself with these new beliefs. See yourself going about your usual daily tasks with these
new beliefs. See yourself tackling new tasks with these new beliefs.
Sometimes changing your beliefs means you are going to have to confront fears. To eliminate fears
completely, you not only have to use logic and rational thinking – the neocortex (grey matter of the
brain) - you also need to change the reptilian brain (a whole lot of structures on top of the brainstem
and in the centre of the brain). The reptilian brain learns from experience. It does not change through
logic and rational thinking. It changes through a different experience. Let us say you have a belief that
you should not stand up for yourself when someone says something mean to you. Together with that
belief you probably also fear standing up for yourself because it is likely you were punished for
standing up for yourself in the past. If you have learnt to be fearful of standing up for yourself, then
you can change that belief only so far through logic and rational thinking. To completely change the
belief, you need to get over the fear, and that means you need to actually experience the new belief.
You have to stand up for yourself and experience a positive outcome and not get punished. And you
have to do this a few times. Then the reptilian brain learns something different. It learns that you will
not be harmed when you stand up for yourself. So if you want to change your beliefs, and truly
experience them as changed, you need to repeat new beliefs, and you also need to put yourself in
situations where you can experience the new beliefs as true.
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5. Your Self-Talk/Conversations
This section builds on from the section on beliefs. Of course what we say, our speech to others and
ourselves, is a reflection of our beliefs. Once we have a belief and we speak it out loud, we literally
speak it into existence.
My job requires that I listen to lots of people talk, and I ask questions that get them to talk about
themselves. I get to hear the way they talk about themselves. I get to hear the words they use to
describe themselves. And much of the time, I get to hear them put themselves down.
The words you say are so important. What you say becomes your reality. When you open your mouth
and speak, you create the situation you speak about. Words have power. They have tremendous
power. When you talk negatively about yourself, you are telling others that you are not worthy of
being valued. And you are telling yourself that you are not worthy of being valued. And you are telling
the universe that you are not worthy of being valued.
Think about the way you talk about yourself. Look back over the various conversations you have had
with different people today. When you have referred to yourself what words have you used? Write
these down. Is this a nice way to speak about yourself? Is this a constructive way to speak about
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yourself? Is the way you speak about yourself going to help you be the best you can be? How do you
criticise yourself? Do you put yourself down? Or do you speak to yourself such as to encourage better
actions next time?
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Let us say you identify that you said the following things about yourself: “I am so clumsy.” “I am such
an idiot, I always get that wrong.” “I never get anything right.” “Good things never happen to me.”
Are these nice ways to speak about yourself? I think not. Is this way of talking about yourself
constructive? No! Instead of saying, ‘’I always get this wrong,” say something like, “How can I do this
differently next time.” Or you could say, “What can I learn from this”. People also mutter things like,
“I am lazy”, “I am pathetic”, “I am greedy”, “I am…” And all that happens is that they are reinforcing
negative opinions of themselves. If you tell others often enough that you are useless, even if they
started off with a very different opinion of you, they will come to believe what you say. So don’t speak
badly about yourself. If you tell yourself you are lazy you make it more likely that you will be lazy. If
you tell yourself that something is hard, you make it more difficult to tackle the task. So be careful
about the words you use, and be careful that you don’t use your words to bring yourself down.
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• Think back over the past week. What were some of the words or statements you used to
describe yourself, either to others or in your self-talk? Write them down.
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• Now think about how you could change your self-talk to be more positive and constructive.
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Here are some points to guide you in your self-talk:
• Talk to yourself the way you would talk to a loved friend.
• Talk to yourself kindly and with compassion.
• Talk to yourself in words that are positive and encourage you to solve problems.
• Be careful of using words such as “always” and “never” – they usually don’t reflect the truth.
• Stop labelling yourself, especially with negative labels.
• Stop saying sorry unless you really have something to be sorry for.
• Stop criticizing yourself. Criticism does not encourage people to do better, it shames people.
Instead of focusing on what you did that was bad, focus on how you will do it differently in
the future.
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Write down some new ways in which you could talk to yourself. Consider also situations when things
go wrong, when you make mistakes, and when you are upset. Write new and more positive
statements you could make.
Examples:
• That was quite good for the first time, next time I shall be even better.
• If I prepare really hard for the interview next time, things will be easier for me.
• I can solve this problem
• I may not be good at….. but I am talented in…..
• Things are tough at the moment, but they will get better
• I have lots of things I am good at doing
• I made a mistake, but everyone makes mistakes and if I learn from this I will get better.
• My boss was right, that was a really good piece of work I did.
• I went out of my way to help that person; that was a nice thing I did.
Now write down your own.
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Changing your self-talk takes practise. If you have spent years learning how to talk down about
yourself, and many of us have, you will not change that overnight. Not only do we talk negatively
about ourselves, but other people also talk negatively about us, and if you think about it, you also talk
negatively about others. You don’t need years and years to change, but you do need to become aware
of the things you say about yourself. Change the way you talk about yourself, and practise this until
speaking well about yourself is something you do automatically.
Think of some ways in which you have spoken badly about others. What we tell ourselves we usually
tell others too. In fact how people speak to you is usually a good reflection of how they talk to
themselves. So practise talking in positive, kind, and constructive ways to others and yourself. This
does not mean lie. This does not mean get into fantasy stories. Lying and telling stories that are not
true do not reflect self-esteem. Pretending things are different from what they are only lowers self-
esteem. It means speak the truth, but do it in such a way as to build up a person. After all, no one was
ever made good by being told they were bad.
Examples of ways I will speak to others and myself (instead of direct, negative criticism)
• Next time you could try doing this….
• If you keep at it, you will learn to master it.
• Consider changing the way you do it, for example you could do this instead….
• Everyone has to start somewhere.
• You can learn the skills to be confident/hardworking/assertive…
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6. Your “What I like about me” Lists
If you struggle to think of positive things you can say about yourself, then complete the lists below.
You can start by writing down what you think fits on each list. Then go and ask other people what
they would add in. Some of my clients are pleasantly surprised by what comes up. They often discover
they have strengths and talents they never realised they had.
1. Write down compliments you have received from others.
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2. Write down all the times you have helped others / done good things for others.
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3. Write down your list of successes. And you have lots of these. Every exam you passed, every
time you faced up to something difficult but did it anyway, every skill you have learned,
learning to drive, making friends, etc. Write down your list – what you feel was a success for
you. Everyone has successes. Everyone has accomplished many things. If you struggle with
this exercise it is because the thoughts about what you have not accomplished are top of mind.
If you only focus on where you believe you have failed or not met the standard you want to,
you are going to feel miserable, scared, and find it difficult to get up the energy to move onto
better and bigger things. So you do want to spend some time reminding yourself of all the
things you have achieved in your life.
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4. Write down your strengths and talents. Some of my clients ask family, friends and work
colleagues to also give them input here. Usually they are very pleased with the results.
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Read the lists of good things you can say about yourself every single day, and especially when you feel
down or you need to feel upbeat such as during an interview or when you need to perform at your
peak. Keep adding to the lists. Many people find writing these lists very difficult because what is top
of mind is weaknesses and failures. However that is not what you want top of mind. If your focus is
on what is wrong with you then it is going to be difficult to be confident and successful. It is going to
be difficult to stand up for yourself and ask for what you want. And it will be easier for others to treat
you with disrespect and disregard.
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Self-Esteem: Part 3
We have covered a lot of ground already in the previous two sections. In particular, understanding
your beliefs and your self-image are key to improving your self-esteem and confidence. In order to
keep building your self-esteem don’t forget about what you have learned. Take those new beliefs, the
new empowering beliefs you have about yourself, and say them every day, even while you are working
on the material still to come. In fact you need to spend the rest of your life saying your new beliefs.
And you can even keep adding new positive beliefs to these. Saying positive beliefs to yourself daily
is a habit most successful people have.
In this section we are going to cover self-care, self-respect, and self-expression/assertiveness.
Let us start with self-care.
1. Self-Care
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Some of us treat ourselves really badly. We abuse our bodies. We abuse alcohol. We don’t get
enough sleep. We don’t get enough exercise, if any at all. We ignore signs of ill-health and only seek
medical treatment when we are almost on our death-bed. We have unkind people as friends and we
have no real social support. We work eighteen hours a day, seven days a week and we neglect our
families and recreation. We neglect our social lives. We neglect our friends. We ignore aches and
pains. We never take breaks. We never go on holidays. And as a consequence we are often grumpy
and irritable and giving to others is really difficult because we don’t feel like we have enough for even
ourselves.
We are the only ones in charge of ourselves and we need to make sure we take care of ourselves. We
need to make sure we eat enough healthy food, get enough sleep, have enough stimulation and have
enough connections and personal support. We need to take care of our physical and emotional self.
This is not self-indulgent. If you are not taking care of yourself; making sure that you are replenished,
then how can you take care of others? These others could be your children, your spouse, your staff,
your clients etc. To wear yourself out is not clever. To take care of yourself and nourish and replenish
your energy and happiness is. That way you get to be more and give more. And the world benefits
from a better you.
• How good are you at self-care? _________________________________________________
Rate yourself on a scale from 0 – 10 where 0 means you are terrible, and 10 means you are excellent
at self-care.
Now I want you to write down the reasons why you don’t take good care of yourself. These reasons
could include:
• I put other people’s needs first.
• I am scared I will lose my job if I don’t work these hours.
• I am in debt and need to pay off my debt.
• I work hard and reward myself with junk food and alcohol.
• I eat junk food when I am upset. Etc. …..
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Note that this exercise will also bring up more beliefs that you may or may not be aware of.
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Now read each reason and question it. Are you really being more productive working eighteen-hour
days? Do you actually get more done or does it just look like you get more done? Is rewarding yourself
with junk food or alcohol really rewarding yourself, or is it depriving yourself of nourishment and
energy? If you consider your own needs will people really leave you, or will they actually respect you
more for standing up for yourself?
Now write down some ideas of how you can take better care of yourself. Make sure that these are
doable things. Don’t set yourself up for failure because that will just make you doubly miserable. Start
with what you know you can do – the easy stuff. And then move onto the more challenging stuff.
You don’t need the permission of others to take care of yourself.
Things you could write down include:
• Eat out at your favourite restaurant
• Dance/walk/play a sport you like
• Have a massage once a week
• Thirty minutes of me-time each day
• Schedule a vacation
• Take a long relaxing bath
• Listen to your favourite music
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• Spend time with people who care about you
• Hang out with your best friends
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Asking for help
Another act of self-care is to ask for help when you need it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with
asking for help when you need some assistance. In fact, if you think about it, it is quite silly not to.
And yet people feel they should not. And there are lots of reasons why people don’t want to ask for
help. Some folks feel that it means they are incompetent. These people believe that being an adult
means you should know all the answers. Well you don’t, and no one expects you to. Asking for help,
especially if it is help from someone who has expertise where you don’t, is just sensible. And how else
are you going to learn? In fact, asking for help is a sign of intelligence. The more you ask for help the
more you will learn about things you don’t know. The more you learn the more competent you
become in life and the more successful you become. And greater competence and success usually
leads to more self-confidence.
Then some people don’t ask for help because they think they will be a bother to others. If you phone
someone ten times a day to ask them questions then, yes, you may bother them. If you on occasion
contact people for help, they are mostly very keen to help you. People, many of them anyway, like
helping others. They like sharing what they have learned. And some of them would be very grateful
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for the opportunity to help others. If they say no, then remember it is not personal. Forget about it
and move on to someone who will help you.
And don’t forget to help others when you can. The act of helping someone can make you feel good
about yourself.
• What are some of the situations in your life where you need to ask others for help?
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• For each situation think of who/what organisation you could ask for help?
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When we treat ourselves well, we attract better experiences to ourselves. When we don’t treat
ourselves well, and when we don’t allow ourselves to deserve good things, things go wrong: We cause
chaos, we get in accidents, we lose things, we hurt ourselves, or we get ill. When we treat ourselves
well we bring out the best in ourselves and others. You are the one person who should always be in
your own corner, cheering yourself on.
2. Self-Respect
People with high self-esteem treat themselves and others with respect. In treating themselves with
respect they show others how they treat themselves and how they expect others to treat them. When
you do not treat yourself with respect, you send a message to yourself that you are not worthy of
respect. This act alone, while a symptom of low self-esteem, also serves to decrease your self-esteem
further. When you fail to treat yourself with respect, you send a message to all those around you that
they don’t need to treat you with respect either. You show others how to treat you by the way you
treat yourself.
Let’s first consider people in your life whom you do respect. Write down a list of some names of
people whom you respect. They can be people you know or they could even be celebrities.
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Now think about how you would treat these people when you come across them. What would you
say to them? How would you speak to them? How would you respond if they told you they were
unhappy? Sick? Tired? What would you say to them if they made a mistake? Some examples could
be:
• I would ask them how they were doing.
• I would tell them how much I admire their work.
• If they were feeling ill I would advise them to seek good medical care and to take care
of themselves and get better.
• I would thank them for their attention and time and for kindnesses shown to me.
• I would speak kindly to them.
• I would remind them that we all make mistakes and that is how we learn. Mistakes
are not reasons to berate ourselves.
• I would listen attentively to them.
• I would pay attention to their needs and wants.
• I would consider their schedule before taking up their time.
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Mostly, we treat the people we respect very well. So look at your list. Are these good ways to treat
people? If they are not, then you need to do some hard thinking. If you have problems with
relationships this could be the reason why. It could be that you have absolutely no idea how to treat
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people with respect. Maybe no one around you ever role modelled what respecting someone is all
about. Maybe you have learned, incorrectly, that it is better to be rude and dismissive to everyone,
because that way you don’t get hurt and don’t get trampled on. This is also erroneous thinking.
People will only do so much for you if they fear you. And if they can get away from you they will.
When people like you and respect you (because you like and respect them), you will have friends and
followers, and you can get so much further in life.
• Now read through your list above and ask yourself, “Do I treat myself in the same way”? Make
a tick next to each sentence where you do treat yourself in the same way.
• Make a list of how you can show yourself some respect. Write down all the ways in which you
can show self-respect.
For example:
• When I am hungry I will eat.
• I will get adequate sleep each night.
• I will speak up when someone says something hurtful to me.
• I will ensure I take my vacation leave.
• I will not allow others to speak rudely to me.
• I will create some “me-time” for myself each day.
• I will ask for what I want.
• I will feel free to express my views as long as they are not unkind.
You can add to this list over time as you think up new ways to treat yourself with respect.
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• Next to each item write down when and where you can act like that.
Continue with these exercises until treating yourself with respect becomes habitual behaviour. Also
don’t forget to consider how you treat others. People who treat others badly do not have high self-
esteem. So also look at how you can treat others with respect too. Resolve to treat yourself and
others with respect.
3. Self-Expression & Assertiveness
What is assertiveness?
Assertiveness means that I stand up for my wants, needs, and values, in a way that respects the self-
esteem of others. It means a willingness to stand up for myself, treat myself with respect in all
encounters, and be who I am. Assertiveness also means paying attention to situations and
appropriateness. If someone is holding a gun to your head, asserting your rights may not be the best
thing to do. Behaviour that is assertive with an adult may not be appropriate with a child. So you
need to use some judgement in deciding on what is assertive behaviour in a particular context.
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What does it mean to be assertive?
• I am willing to stand up for myself
• I treat myself with respect in all situations
• I think for myself and stand by what I think
• I accept responsibility for my own life
• I am prepared to ask for what I want
• I live authentically
• It means a "we both count equally" attitude
• I refuse to fake who I am in order to be liked
• I am kind without being self-sacrificing
• I confront, not evade, the challenges of life
• I can refuse requests
• I can give and accept compliments with ease
• I can ask why, or question authority or tradition, in order to take responsibility for making things
better, not just to rebel
• I can initiate, carry on, change, and end conversations comfortably
• I can comfortably share my feelings, opinions and experiences with others
• I deal with minor irritations before my anger builds into intense resentment and aggression
What does it mean to be unassertive?
• I avoid expressing my needs, wants and values; I hide who I am
• I please, placate or manipulate in order to belong
• I don't ask questions when things would be easier for me if I did
• I don't take responsibility for my life and actions
• I am self-sacrificing and subtly remind others of this all the time
• I push others out the way or knock them over
• I have to get my own way at all costs
• Others have to agree with me
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• I uphold my rights while ignoring the rights of others
• I challenge just for the sake of challenging
• I am aggressive or abusive
• I belittle, demean, or hurt other people in words or actions
In what type of situations do you struggle with being assertive?
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Why do you think that is?
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In what type of situations is it easier for you to be assertive?
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Why?
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Problem with not being assertive
When we do not stand up for ourselves we wound ourselves and lower our self-esteem. When we are
unassertive we cheat ourselves and lose self-respect because we subjugate ourselves to others. When
we are unassertive we are dishonest and we hide who we really are. When we are not assertive we
invite in submissiveness or aggressiveness which threatens, if not destroys, relationships.
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If you are in a relationship of any kind (work, romantic, familial), based on your being a "doormat",
"slave", "yes-person", you build up resentment and may resort to subtle manipulation to get what you
really want. The "you owe me's" build up each time we acquiesce and eventually we want back what
we feel is owed to us. And often the result is an explosive outburst or equally damaging passive
aggressive actions.
Where do you need to stand up or speak up for yourself?
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Comparison of passive, assertive, and aggressive beliefs
Passive Assertive Aggressive
I am not assertive and there is nothing I can do about.
I can learn to be assertive I will make people do what I want them to, and too bad if they don’t like it.
I must not show my feelings because they may upset somebody.
I have a right to express how I feel, while respecting others.
If other people don’t like my feelings I don’t care, I will do exactly what I want to do.
If someone differs with my opinions I take on their opinions
If someone differs with my opinions I accept their view, but don’t let it change what I think
If someone differs from my opinions I make them see my way is correct.
There is nothing I can do about my feelings.
I can manage and deal with my feelings.
Other people make me feel this way.
When there is conflict, I avoid it. I hate conflict.
When there is conflict I talk about how I feel and what is happening to me
When there is conflict I talk about you and what you are doing to upset everything. I talk about what you have done.
I can’t help the way I am. My childhood was so terrible that I cannot change.
My childhood was terrible but that is in the past and I am free to choose differently and positively.
My childhood was so terrible and now I will make others feel terrible as well.
I believe I need to behave in a way that others feel good. What I feel does not matter.
I believe I need to behave in a way that respects myself and others
I don’t care what others feel. The only person whose feelings matter is mine.
When other people resist what I am saying I give up and say yes to whatever they are saying.
When other people resist what I am saying, I calmly restate my views.
When others resist what I am saying I get angry and insist they have the same views as me.
I cannot control how others respond and I cannot control myself.
I cannot control how others respond but I can control my own actions.
I can control how others respond and I will make them respond the way I want them to, but I cannot control how I respond.
I will always compromise if there is a disagreement rather than argue for my beliefs
If it is necessary to compromise to get something done I can do that, still keeping to my original beliefs.
I expect others to compromise. They had better accept my beliefs as right.
When other people think differently to me I am sad and think I must be wrong.
When other people think differently to me I still respect them and stick to my views.
When other people think differently to me I am angry and tell them they are wrong.
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Passive Assertive Aggressive
I have no right to express my thoughts, feelings, values and opinions.
I have the right to my own feelings and thoughts, values and opinions and have a right to express them. Others also have a right to their own feelings, thoughts, values, and opinions.
I have a right to my own feelings and thoughts, values and opinions, and can express them however I like. I expect other people to change theirs to fit with mine.
I always have to explain my actions to others.
I do not always have to explain my actions to others
I do not have to explain my actions to others but I have the right to insist that others explain to me their actions
I must just accept the way people treat me
I have the right to tell others how I want them to treat me.
I can treat people any way I like.
I cannot say no I have the right to say “no” Other people had better not say no to me
If I say “I don’t know” then I am foolish and look like an idiot.
I have the right to say “I don’t know”
I always know.
Thinking about myself is selfish and I must always put others first.
I have the right to think about what I want and consider my own needs
Other people must meet my needs, I am in charge.
I participate in events I don’t want to. I would feel awful saying no.
I don’t have to participate in events I don’t want to.
Other people must participate in events I tell them to participate in.
I do not have the right to change my mind once I have said something
I have the right to change my mind later on.
People cannot change their minds unless they have a really good reason that I will accept if they do.
I am not responsible for anything, I am a victim.
I take responsibility for my life Other people are always to blame for what goes wrong in my life.
I have no right to ask for what I want, no one will give me what I want anyway.
I have a right to ask for what I want
Other people had better give me what I want or I will take it
I have no right to make mistakes. If I make mistakes I am a bad person
I have a right to make mistakes, learn from my mistakes, and fix them as I can.
People have no right to make mistakes and will be harshly punished if they do.
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How to develop assertiveness
To be assertive I need to believe that my values and needs are important. Often we grow up believing
that what others want is more important than our own needs and values. Consider where your values
come from and choose to live according to values that are genuinely your own values and not those
of significant others, school, society, or peers.
You can learn to be more assertive through role-playing and behaviour rehearsal.
• Select a fairly easy situation to start with. Think of a situation where you want to stand up for
yourself. It could be a situation where you want to ask for something, such as a pay increase. It
could be a situation where you want to tell someone that to swear at you is not okay. It could be a
situation where you want to tell someone you do not want to go to that concert. First practise and
master this situation and then move on to others. The more you practise being assertive the easier
it will become. So practising often is good.
• Role-play on your own before role-playing with others. Practise out loud and record your
comments. Look at specific ways in which you can improve your responses after each practice
session.
• Find a friend to practise with. Your friend encourages you and makes suggestions. Your friend also
tries out different responses to your role playing.
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• The first role-play is always the most difficult, so some people find it easier to pretend they are
someone else when they start - e.g. a famous person, business person etc.
• Observe a successful skilled person and then modify their words and actions to fit your own style.
Or you can ask an expert to teach you.
• Practise each situation five to ten times until you feel confident.
• Have in mind some specific situations in the future where you can put your skills into practice in
real life. Preferably do this quite soon after you have been rehearsing your assertiveness skills.
Examples of Assertive Behaviour:
Example 1: At 3 pm your boss asks you to stay late and you have plans to go out for dinner with your
spouse. You have already made the booking and your spouse is really looking forward to the evening
out.
Your response: Assertive: I am not able to stay late this evening as I have already made other plans
with my family. I will work late another time when I have no prior commitments in the evening. You
will need to ask someone else to do the work. What about asking Mary/Jane….
Your response: Passive: Yes, I will stay and do the work. And then you phone your spouse and cancel
your dinner plans. Another passive response is to say lots of “I am sorry’s.” You don’t have anything
to be sorry for. Only say sorry when you really have something to be sorry for.
Your response: Aggressive: How can you ask me to stay so late, that is so rude of you, no, I cannot stay
late I have my family to think of. All this company ever does is expect me to work and work with no
thanks.
Example 2: You are at dinner and the waiter brings you a dish you did not order.
Your response: Assertive: This is not the dish I ordered, I ordered the (list the meal you requested).
Please take that dish away and bring me the food I ordered.
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Your response: Passive: To eat whatever dish the waiter brought along even though it is not what you
want.
Your response: Aggressive: You useless waiter and what a stupid restaurant, you cannot get the order
right, this is not what I ordered. Bring me the right dish you idiot.
Example 3: You are chatting over lunch with friends and someone makes a racist remark which you
don’t like.
Your response: Assertive: I am very uncomfortable with that remark and I don’t agree with it as I don’t
like racism.
Your response: Passive: To be quiet and say nothing.
Your response: Aggressive: To yell or get angry at the person or to shout back a racist remark at them.
Example 4: You are in a shop at the till and you see they have made a mistake and overcharged you as
you pick up your packet and leave.
Your response: Assertive: You say that there appears to be a mistake and you point out the mistake in
the till slip. You do not leave until they have rectified the mistake and charged you the right amount.
Your response: Passive: You ignore it but feel unhappy and cheated.
Your response: Aggressive: You scream at the cashier and tell her how stupid she is and how dare they
cheat you out of your money.
Think of situations where you need to speak up and stand up for yourself. Now think of an assertive
way in which you could respond to the situation. Talk to some people if you need some advice or you
want some input. Try out your assertive responses using the behaviour rehearsal approach described
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above. See which one you like the most and which one fits you the best. Practise seeing yourself
manifesting this new more desirable behaviour. See yourself performing your new behaviour
successfully. Then go and implement what you have rehearsed.
If you persevere, even in the face of initial setbacks, disappointments or relapses, you will discover
you have radically underestimated your ability to change. And like everything, practise makes perfect.
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Self-Esteem: Part 4
We have already covered a lot of ground. Now we look at self-acceptance. Self-acceptance is a core
aspect of having high self-esteem. It is also something that can be quite difficult for people to get.
Mostly we understand quite well that respect is good and so self-respect is good. When it comes to
self-acceptance, we are not quite so easily convinced.
1. Self-Acceptance: What does it mean?
If I had to ask you, “Do you accept yourself”, the answer that most people would give is “sometimes”,
“it depends on what I have done”, “most of the time,” etc. Not that many people will unconditionally
accept themselves. And that is largely because we grow up and experience others, including our
parents/caregivers, as accepting us only conditionally. We are acceptable only if we do certain things
that meet with the approval of others. We are acceptable only if we refrain from embarrassing others,
whatever that may mean. Sometimes, even our talents are not acceptable. If you grew up with people
who didn’t like the fact that you were dramatic, you may have needed to hide that talent in order to
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be accepted. You may be someone who had to hide your intellect in order to be accepted. So it is not
only when you did things that are generally considered wrong that you were not accepted, it is also
when you were just being the true and authentic you, that you may not have been accepted.
To understand self-acceptance you also need to understand that who you are and what you do are
not the same thing. Very nice people can do horrible things. Usually they do horrible things because
they feel horrible (fear) at the time. That does however, not mean that the core of the person is
horrible. At the core of them, everyone is capable of wonderful things. The problem is that when we
decide that we are what we have done, and we have not done nice things, we condemn ourselves and
block our way to change. When we can admit we have done wrong, but recognise that the core of us
as a person is capable of decency and great deeds, we open up to change and to performing great
acts. This is also why parents should not say to their children that they are bad when they have done
something wrong. The behaviour is bad, not the child. People who grow up believing they are bad,
are more likely to do bad things because we tend to act according to our self-concept. Children who
have a self-concept that they are bad, because they have been told this all their lives, resort to all sorts
of destructive things just to hear that they are bad. Because they have internalised the belief that they
are bad, they have to act bad, and will act more and more badly until someone finally tells them they
are bad and confirms the image they have of themselves.
Many years ago a coach and his wife adopted children who had been badly treated. The one boy was
so used to hearing he was bad and being punished that he could not deal with not getting punished
when he did wrong. Eventually he set the house on fire just so he could get reinforcement of his bad
self-image and hear someone confirm how bad he was.
Accept and own all of yourself. To practice self-acceptance does not mean to believe that there is
nothing more we can learn. It does not mean believing we are perfect. It means believing we are
acceptable people. We are okay. We are not perfect, and anyway no human is. We do not know
everything, because no one knows everything. We do want to learn and grow because that is how we
have a better life. Knowledge and experience does make life a lot easier. However, where we are,
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right now, is fine. We don’t have to berate or condemn ourselves because we are not good enough.
We are good enough. We are enough.
We cannot be whole, and we cannot heal, and we cannot make real change in our lives until we get
away from a foundation of self-hatred. Creating positive pictures of ourselves can help, but it doesn’t
have the impact it can have if we still have negative foundations. Self-hatred is rife, although few will
admit to it and few will recognise it. Almost everyone has some elements they hate about themselves.
This is not healthy. This is not helpful to you. And most definitely, this is not going to make you a
better person.
We hate ourselves for a variety of reasons. You may think hate is a strong word, but if you strip away
your defences there are things you definitely hate about yourself. Unfortunately many of these you
may not be conscious of, and so they unconsciously sabotage you. One of the most important things
you can do in your life is to make what is unconscious, conscious. What is unconscious runs your life.
You want to know what it is so that you can change it to make it work for you.
We hate ourselves for having needs people told us were excessive or inappropriate. We hate
ourselves because we had traits our caretakers or teachers disapproved of. We hate ourselves for
what our parents and teachers and society disapproved of when we were young. Usually we hate our
feelings and our vulnerability. Some people may hate themselves because they love too much, they
give too much, they don’t give enough, they are not enough, they are not successful enough, they are
not getting there fast enough, they don’t love enough, they are too serious, etc. You have probably
been told about lots of things that were wrong with you. Mostly they will not be things that are wrong
with you. They will be things that upset other people and that really reflect their own unresolved
issues rather than being things that are wrong with you. And the problem with all of this is that by
the time we are adult we have forgotten who we are. Sometimes our talents and our passions have
become so buried that it takes ages to uncover them again.
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When we are young we accept the view of adults that what they don’t like about us is bad. We accept
this because as a young child we need adults to survive. Left to our own devices as a child we will die.
So we develop a loyalty towards the adults in our lives and incorporate their beliefs. We come to hate
parts of ourselves that adults disapprove of. We come to see parts of ourselves as unacceptable
because the adults around us, whom we look to for approval, find those parts unacceptable.
Most people grow up believing there is some part of themselves that is unacceptable and that they
need to hide from others. Some people grow up believing huge parts of themselves are unacceptable,
and in cases of severe abuse and maltreatment can believe that virtually all of themselves is
unacceptable. Such people walk around with a high level of self-hatred. They feel unloved and
unlovable. They feel empty inside. They feel condemned to loneliness if their true selves became
known. They love themselves conditionally and this leads to them feeling even more lonely and
isolated and empty, and keeps the vicious cycle going. “I am not enough, I am not okay as I am.”
Accept yourself now. You don’t have to wait until you are perfect. You don’t have to wait until you
think you have it all together, because actually, you will discover you never have it all together.
What are some things that you easily accept about yourself? These are likely to be things that are
generally liked by most people. E.g. friendly, hard-working, funny, polite, …
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What are some of the traits or behaviours about you that you struggle to accept about yourself?
Example: Get angry easily, boring, impatient, procrastinate, ….
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Go to a mirror and look at yourself in the mirror. Go through each answer you wrote down and tell
yourself, “I accept ________________ about me”. Do this for everything you like and dislike about
yourself – everything you wrote down above. If you really battle to accept something, then tell
yourself, “I accept that I cannot accept this ________________ about me”. Eventually you will get to
the point of acceptance. Note once again that acceptance does not have to mean you like it. It means
you own it. And that is important in creating a picture of the whole you. Only once you can accept
something, do you open up the way to changing it if you want to. Also note, the traits are not
universally good or bad. Depending on the situation - feeling depressed, being noisy, telling a lie,
being fearful, etc., could be an appropriate response.
Stand in front of a full length mirror and look at your face and body. Notice your feelings as you do so.
Probably you will like some parts more than others. You will most likely find some parts difficult to
look at. Write down what comes to mind.
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Say to yourself, “Whatever my defects and imperfections I accept and like myself as I am”. Stay
focused, breathe deeply, and say this over and over again. Interestingly when people do this day after
day they are more motivated to make the changes necessary to change the parts they don’t like. Self-
acceptance, rather than self-condemnation, is more likely to get people to change and improve. And
I am going to say that again because it is so important. Self-acceptance is more likely to get people to
improve than self-condemnation. When you damn someone, when you shame them, their first
response is likely to be a defensive one. In their hurt and confusion people close up. When you accept
something you don’t have to try and cover it up and pretend things are different. You open up to
doing something different, something better, something more appropriate.
Disowning what is great about you
We don’t only disown what we don’t like about ourselves or what other people find unacceptable.
We can also disown our strengths and talents.
What strengths of yours do you have trouble accepting?
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What achievements do you apologise for? Yes, you read that right. Sometimes we apologise for doing
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What accomplishments should you be praising yourself for?
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2. Self-Compassion
What are some actions you have taken that you don’t like yourself for doing? Examples could be:
Telling a lie, not studying for exams, stealing something, being really harsh with someone, etc.
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For each of these, think about the reason you took the action. What was the situation at the time?
What were the alternatives you considered? What was your state of mind at the time?
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The purpose of this exercise is to get you to start developing compassion for yourself. Self-compassion
is important. If your compassion only extends to others then you have not taken it far enough. It
needs to extend to you. Often it is only when we have compassion for ourselves that we can extend
compassion to others. When we get into the mind of the other person at the time, and try and not
judge, we can often see things in a slightly different way. We can often see why that person acted the
way he or she did even though it may not have been nice.
When we feel we are not good enough we find ways to keep ourselves miserable. We create illnesses
and pain, and we procrastinate
We can only learn to not repeat actions we don’t like in the future if we change our view of ourselves.
We need to look at ourselves and our personal context with compassion and understanding, without
denying the wrongness of the behaviour. Then we can feel remorse and regret, but not self-
damnation. If we do this then the most likely consequence is the determination to do better in the
future.
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If you feel unhappy and reproachful about something you did, try and understand why you did it. Our
actions are always related to our efforts to survive or to protect ourselves, to maintain our equilibrium,
to avoid fear and pain, to nurture ourselves, or to grow. When we harshly judge others we harshly
judge ourselves. When we have compassion for ourselves, we also have compassion for others. This
is the heart of learning to forgive. Forgiveness is an act of high self-esteem. Compassion and kindness
to others and the self, enhances self-esteem and is an expression of high self-esteem.
Exercise. Write down an action for which you reproach yourself. Then articulate the model of the self
in the world that was operating at that time. The model of the self means: How did you perceive the
circumstances? What did you see as the alternatives? What were you afraid of? What consequences
did you see? What was going on in your head? What were you saying to yourself?
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Without self-acceptance – accepting and liking ourselves as we are, we will lack compassion for
ourselves. Without compassion for ourselves we lack compassion for others. We will judge them
sometimes harshly and inappropriately. Having acceptance and compassion for ourselves is not going
to make this a more evil world as some may think, it is going to make it a kinder and more
understanding world. Condemnation of people closes them off from anything we may say and from
any suggestions we may make. Acceptance and compassion allows people to understand who they
are and why they do what they do, and so opens them to change should they want to.
3. Integrating the Child-Self
Every age you have ever been is within you – in your memory and in your unconscious even if it is not
within your conscious.
Each one of us was once a child and we carry that child within us as an aspect of who we are.
Sometimes we shift into the state of consciousness of the child we once were, and respond to adult
situations as if we were the child. You will recognise this in others, if not yourself. We do all remember
times when an adult (ourselves or someone else) threw a temper tantrum just like a two year old. We
may even have thought to ourselves, “that person is behaving like a two year old”. When we don’t
make friends with our child-self, the child-self can come along and sabotage us. When we don’t deal
with the “stuff” of the child we were, the child-self can come along and wreak havoc on our lives.
Very few of us were not wounded in childhood. No matter how great your parents, teachers, and
other people were that you came into contact with, there is something they did that would have left
hurts and wounds. There is something there that is not resolved. It doesn’t have to be abuse. If you
were abused then there will be lots of damage. Normal human beings, with the best will in the world,
will still wound children, just because they are human and not perfect all the time. So virtually
everyone has some wounds. Wounds mean there is some part of the child-self that is hurting. And
when the circumstances the adult finds him or herself in resemble the past and trigger the memory,
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he or she resorts to acting just like that child. However we can do something about this. We can learn
to recognise the child we were, make friends with the child, listen to what the child needs to tell us,
allow the child to feel welcome, and so integrate the child-self into us. Or we can disown the child-
self out of fear, pain or embarrassment, ignoring his or her existence and needs. In this case the child-
self left abandoned and unintegrated, typically brings chaos into our lives in ways we may not
recognise. Sometimes the childhood years are so painful that we have to numb ourselves to survive
and we remember very little of our experiences as a child.
Some people hate who they were as a child. They deny and disown that child, which means they deny
and disown a part of themselves. You may see your child-self as any of these: Weak, helpless, pathetic,
timid, shy, afraid, aggressive, mean, cruel, stupid etc. In effect the child we once were can be a source
of pain, rage, fear, embarrassment or humiliation to be repressed, disowned, and forgotten. We reject
that child just as perhaps others did. And our cruelty to that child continues on a day to day basis and
indefinitely through our lifetime. When we learn to love and have compassion for the child we once
were, for what he or she did not know or could not do, or could not cope with – when we understand
that the child was struggling to survive the best way that he or she could – then the adult self is no
longer in an adversarial relationship with the child. One part is not at war with the other. We make
peace and integrate our child-self into our adult-self. And our adult responses are more appropriate.
Our child-self no longer needs to come along and sabotage our situation.
Your child-self is an internal representation of the child you once were; the attitudes, feelings, values,
and perspectives that were yours a long time ago. We can relate to our child-self kindly or with cruelty,
with compassion or harshly. When we do not integrate our child-self positively we are fragmented,
we do not feel whole. In some way we feel self-alienated and our self-esteem is impacted. Left
unrecognised and abandoned, misunderstood and rejected, our child-self can turn into a trouble
maker and we can at times exhibit childish, inappropriate behaviour. On the other hand, recognised,
accepted and embraced, and thereby integrated, a child-self can enhance our lives through
spontaneity, playfulness, and imaginativeness.
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What was it like to be a child growing up in your house?
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What did you have to do to survive?
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Is your child-self feeling rejected and/or disowned by the adult self, or feeling completely accepted?
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Through imagination and guided fantasy you can go back through time and comfort your child-self
and give your child what is needed.
Imagine yourself walking along a country road and in the distance you see a small child sitting by the
tree. As you draw near you see that the child is the self you once were. Sit down by the tree and talk
to your child-self. What does he or she want and need? What do you need to say to one another?
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Spend some time looking at photographs of yourself as a child. Close your eyes and take some deep
breaths. What did it feel like to be five years old? How did you experience your body? What did it
feel like to be happy? To be sad? What was it like to be excited? What was it like to live in your
home?
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How do you treat your child-self as your mother did? As your father did? As your teachers did?
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What my child-self needs from me and has never received is…….
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Using imagery generate the sense of your child-self standing in front of you. Then without saying a
word go up and pick your child up and put him or her on your lap and talk to him or her. Do this as if
you were in a nurturing relationship with your child. Let your touch communicate acceptance,
compassion, and respect. Tell your child that his or her new home and new life will be with you. That
you will help him or her learn to trust you and realise that you are different from other grownups.
Later on you can let him or her talk and tell all the things he or she needs to tell.
• Treat your child-self the way you wanted your parents, teachers and society to treat you.
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• Write letters to your child-self.
• To really get the most from this exercise do it several times.
4. Integrating the teenage-self
Each of us was once a teenager and we still carry that teenager with us as part of who we are. Are we
in an adversarial relationship with our teenage-self? If we recognise, accept and befriend our teenage-
self, it can be an invaluable resource of energy, idealism, ambition, and provide an unlimited sense of
life’s possibilities. But if hated, ignored, disowned or denied, our teenage-self can result in many types
of self-sabotaging behaviour. We may find ourselves talking to the boss in the wrong way. We may
find ourselves viewing the opposite sex with the teenager’s fear and uncertainty. Or we can find
ourselves reacting with a lack of good judgement, or turning against people who represent authority
and against whom we feel the need to rebel. If we don’t integrate the teenage-self with our adult-
self, we once again are split – one part of us is at war with another part. If you think your teenage-
self was embarrassing, the teenage-self is sentenced to loneliness and the adult wonders why there is
a gap that cannot be filled.
This time the pattern of uncompassionate harshness is directed at our teenage-self. As we can reject
the child we once were, we can reject the teenager we once were. Are we going to embrace and
accept and love our teenage-self? Are we going to make our teenage-self welcome in our adult selves?
Or will we sentence our teenage-self to a life as an outcast?
What was it like to be a teenager in your house?
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What did you have to do as a teenager to survive growing up in your house?
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Does your teenage-self feel rejected and disowned by you?
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Begin by looking at photographs of you as a teenager. Then close your eyes and take a few deep
breaths. Think about when you were a teenager. What does it feel like to be a teenager? How do
you imagine you experienced your body then? What was it like living in your house? What did you
feel?
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Treat your teenage-self with acceptance and respect. Reach out your arms to your teenage-self in a
gesture of affection and trust. Take your teenage-self in your arms and talk to him or her with kindness
and love and understanding. In healing the teenage-self you heal yourself.
How do you treat your teenage self as your mother did? As your father did? As your teachers did?
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What my teenage self needs from me and has never received is?
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When we declare war on ourselves or part of ourselves, we create an adversary we cannot conquer.
When we accept and respect ourselves, we create a friend and ally.
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These exercises can be emotionally draining to do. However the commitment to do these exercises
enhances your self-esteem because the implication is that you consider yourself worthy of this kind
of effort. Really, what is there that you have to do that is more important?
• Treat your teenage-self the way you wanted your parents, teachers and society to treat you.
• Write letters to your teenage-self.
• There is benefit to repeating these exercises regularly
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Self-Esteem: Conclusion
1. How to recognise when your self-esteem is dropping
1.1 If any of the following are applicable then you can do some work on improving yourself self-
esteem. No one is ever in the position where they don’t need to work on their self-esteem. If
a lot of the following points apply to you then you need to do a lot of work on your self-esteem
and confidence.
• You find you are not able to speak up about how you are feeling.
• You have no one to turn to for support.
• You are not asking for what you want or need in a relationship.
• You never take care of yourself or do things for yourself.
• Other people waste your time and energy and you don’t say anything about it.
• You doubt yourself / You don’t trust yourself or your judgement.
• You make no time to do the things you want to do.
• You allow others to be rude to you.
• You don’t try out new activities.
• You know you are underpaid and you don’t say or do anything about it.
• You are always criticising yourself.
• You speak negatively about yourself.
• You cannot accept compliments with ease.
• You get very upset for days when other people don’t treat you well.
• You cannot walk away from nasty people.
• You are always giving to everyone.
• You find yourself behaving very arrogantly.
• You are treating other people badly.
• You don’t care about anyone.
• You act with disrespect to yourself and others.
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• You are tolerating abuse from someone.
• You don’t believe you deserve a good job.
• You don’t believe you deserve to earn good money.
• You believe the needs of everyone else must come first.
• You battle to say no.
• You beat yourself up for making mistakes – even small mistakes.
• You get very upset by nasty things others say to you for days on end.
• You are scared to meet new people or make new friends.
• You don’t believe you can deal with change.
• You don’t believe you are capable of learning new things.
• You don’t believe you can reach your goals.
• You don’t like yourself.
• You will not forgive yourself for something you have done.
• You believe you cannot express what you feel in appropriate ways.
• You believe no one wants to hear what you think.
• You are always blaming others for the state of your life.
• You are reactive rather than proactive.
• You complain a lot.
• You are scared to reveal the real you in case others won’t like you.
• You feel you can’t cope with most of what life presents to you
• You stay in relationships where you are mistreated when you should rather get out
1.2 Another exercise that you can do every few months to keep a check on your level of self-
esteem is to rate yourself on various scales. The scales are from 1 – 10 with 1 being low and
10 being high.
• Self-Acceptance: Is about accepting and liking who you are, even while realising you can still
improve. It is about loving who you are. It is about accepting yourself as a human being no
matter what you look like or any particular attributes you have or don’t have. Rate your level
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of self-acceptance from 1 -10. If it is low then write down as many ideas as you can to increase
your level of self-acceptance. Implement some of these.
• Self-Care: Make sure you eat well, sleep well, get enough exercise, enough stimulation and
love and support. Rate yourself from 1-10 as to how well you take care of yourself. Write
down ideas of how you can take better care of yourself.
• Self-Permission: Give yourself permission to think and feel freely. Thinking and feeling are
inside of you and no one can take them from you. How much do you give yourself permission
to think and feel freely? Rate yourself from 1 – 10. List ideas to give yourself more permission.
• Self-Expression: After you give yourself permission to think and feel freely, give yourself the
permission to express thoughts and feelings outwardly. However do so in an appropriate
manner. People will respect you more when you stand up for your beliefs, thoughts and
feelings. How freely do you express yourself? Rate yourself from 1 – 10. Write down some
ideas to increase your self-expression.
• Self-Reliance: Totally relying on ourselves is not necessarily healthy. In fact in this
interconnected world I am not sure how you get anything done without relying on others.
However relying on others all the time is not good for us either. If we need people so much
that we depend on them as to how we feel and think and act, we lose self-esteem and become
driven by external factors. How much do you feel you are independent? Rate yourself from
1 – 10. Write down ideas to increase your independence.
• Self-Awareness: This means being able to notice and understand your feelings, thoughts and
actions. It is being able to answer, “Why am I thinking what I am thinking?” “Why am I feeling
what I am feeling?” “Why do I do what I do?” When we are not aware we are confused. This
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confusion damages our self-esteem. How aware are you of your thoughts, feelings and
actions? Rate from 1 – 10. Write down ideas to increase your self-awareness.
• Self-appreciation/ self-worth: How valuable a person are you in your own eyes? How
deserving are you of good things? Rate yourself from 1 – 10 according to how much you
appreciate and value yourself. Write ways to increase your self-worth and self-appreciation.
2. Examples of action plans to build your self-esteem and confidence
Daily Actions: Morning
▪ Spend 10-15 minutes repeating positive thoughts and beliefs about yourself. These would be
new thoughts and beliefs you want to have.
▪ Examples of positive thoughts and beliefs that strengthen your confidence and self-esteem
o I have a right to be here
o I am as valuable as any other person
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o I have a right to my own opinions
o I have a right to express my own opinions and views
o I am worthy of love
o I am worthy of success
o I am worthy of happiness
o I am a special person
o I deserve the best in life
o I am confident and assertive
o I accept and love myself
o I take good care of myself
o I am lovable as I am
o I am enough
o I express myself easily and clearly
o I have many talents and abilities and I become more aware of them each day
▪ Read through your list of strengths and successes and all the good things about you.
▪ Decide on an act of self-respect for the day.
▪ Decide on an act of self-care for the day.
▪ Mirror work: Look in the mirror and tell yourself. “I love and approve of myself exactly as I
am”. “I love and approve of my body exactly as it is.” If you want to add other self-acceptance
statements then do so.
▪ Write down a list of 4-5 tasks to do for the day. These should ideally be linked to your goals.
▪ Visualise yourself achieving your tasks successfully for the day ahead. Visualise yourself being
confident and treating yourself with high regard throughout the day.
Daily Actions: Evening
▪ Review
o Did I do an act of self-care?
o Did I honour myself today?
o Did I stand up for myself?
o Did I criticise myself needlessly?
o Did I ask for what I want?
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o Did I express what I needed to say?
o Was I true to myself?
o Was I cruel and unforgiving to myself?
▪ What do I need to do differently in the future?
▪ Did I complete my tasks for the day? If not, why not? What do I need to do differently?
▪ Read thoughts and beliefs, and list of strengths and successes.
Weekly Activities
▪ Do work on the child-self and teen-self. Tell your child-self and teen-self what he or she
needed to hear. Hug your child-self and teen-self. Write a letter to your child-self and teen-
self telling him or her how you as the adult are now here for him or her. Tell your child-self
and teen-self that everything is safe and will be fine. Acknowledge the pain your child-self
and teen-self feel.
▪ Set goals and objectives for the coming week. Set a reward for yourself when you achieve
those goals and objectives.
▪ Consider
o Where do I need to be more assertive in the coming week?
o Where do I need to set personal boundaries in the coming week?
o Where do I need to take more responsibility in the coming week?
o What new things can I try out?
▪ Set one or two mini-adventures, fun actions to take in the week.
Ad hoc Actions
These could be assertive actions that you discover at various times in your life you want to take. It
may be an instance where you need to stand up to a bully. It may be a situation when you need to
express how you feel. It may be a time when you need to set a personal boundary.
Where do I need to speak up for myself?
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Where do I need to stand up for myself?
1. Write down the situation in which you want to be assertive
2. What thoughts and beliefs do you need to have to be assertive in the situation?
3. Write down a script that you can learn and use in practical situations. This script will
contain a whole lot of positive and empowering thoughts and beliefs to get you to
think confidently. Read the script over and over again until it becomes the way you
automatically think.
4. Add visuals, imagery, sounds and feelings to associate with the script that make you
feel more confident.
5. Behaviour rehearsal: before you actually go and speak to someone, practise the
situation. Practise will increase your sense of confidence when you actually are in the
situation. It won’t be as new and unfamiliar as when you have done no rehearsal.
• Start with small steps and move up to bigger and bigger scenarios to build
your confidence and feeling that you can succeed.
• Write out what you will say and do as if you were writing a movie script
• Practise by yourself
• Practise with a friend and get feedback
• Practise with a friend and get the friend to respond to you in different ways
• Practise in about 5-10 situations until you feel a lot more confident and at
ease
• Try out the situation in real life with someone where the outcome is not so
important
• Try out in the real-life situation
• Note what you do well and where you want to change your actions/talk
• Reward yourself
There is a lot of work in this course. You can spend your life working on these exercises and get
something different out each time. Each time you will learn and grow. Each time your self-esteem
and confidence will improve. Go at your own pace. You are on your own journey through life. No
one can tell you how much work you need to do or how fast you need to go. Part of honouring yourself
is honouring your journey as your unique journey. No one else will have the same journey through life
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that you have. Respect yourself for where you are now. From my side, I wish you all the best. Know
that you are worth nothing less than the best in life.
NOTE:
• If you find yourself getting very emotional and upset working through parts of this book then
please consult a professional mental health specialist or your doctor.
• Everyone is different and not everyone will like each section. So do what works for you. If
something upsets you or freaks you out then leave it. Honour yourself as you go through the
material. Don’t punish yourself by forcing yourself to do things you hate. You can start at any
place. You don’t have to start at page 2. You can hop around reading and doing what
resonates the most with you first.
If you are interested in more products and services please go to my website and look under the tab
products and services. https://www.lifecoachingbusiness.co.za
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