Volume 7, Issue 10
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Transcript of Volume 7, Issue 10
Volume 7, Issue 10 World Kindness Day November 13, 2009
Yummy omelet
Irritable Internet Syndrome Angelo State’s Finest Pap
er Since Fall 2006
Something to Read
in Class Today
Hello dear readers, I hope this week finds you doing exponentially better than a root function (that’s for you James). Well, I, as far as you are concerned, am for lack of a better term, concerned. Why you might ask? Never fear, I shall tell you (whether you like it or not). As I sit here penning this oh, so eloquent article you yourself are cur‐rently engaged in reading, I am simultane‐ously perusing the vastness of the inter‐webs frittering away time and brain cells. And because I am such a dedicated, some would argue committed, writer, I have de‐cided that all humanity is doomed.
Well, maybe not doomed, but certainly headed that direction. The main reason for this, besides the impending date of 12/21/12, the socialization of our health care system, and the overwhelming and clearly insurmountable pandemic of H1N1, is due to the fact that in my diligent re‐search for this paper, I have formulated a rather shocking conclusion about the hu‐man race – we are all a bunch of freaking dorks. Not just dorks, but because of our proximity to and constant use of the inter‐net, we have become some weird hybrid überdork race.
Granted, most people will divulge their own self‐assessed dorkiness to others be‐cause they do not care that they are dorks. Kudos to them! But once someone who others might have, possibly, maybe, one time out of a billion, seen as “cool” let on that they have dork tendencies, the world will surely and swiftly (ooooh Taylor Swift, so hot) come to a crashing, bloody, grinding
(sex), halt. This happens on almost a minute by minute basis thanks to Al Gore and his invention of the internet (see Ramdiculous Vol. 3, Article 6 at ramdiculous.com). How do I know this? I just spent four hours watching it happen over and over and over again.
People love strange videos, it’s a virus that we must deal with, the spreading of which is nearly as rampant and ravaging as contracting AIDS from butt sex. YouTube and its spin‐off websites are contributing dangerously to our downfall back to the days of grunts and loin cloths. For example, of this growing gaggle of googlicious and gaiety‐inducing (yay alliteration) videos, there are a few that stand out to me at this present time. I could easily choose any of the series of videos involving 2 this, 1 that, an inanimate object and a bodily orifice, but that is overdone. Nay, I shall regale you with videos depicting dorkery that you may not have had the joy of seeing, thus contrib‐uting to this virus I am myself currently rail‐ing against.
First, we have the video of an apparently floating head girl who for some unknown reason has decided to post a video of her‐self, or her face to be more accurate, recit‐ing 500 decimal places of pi. Yes, 500 deci‐mals. And that’s not even the good kind of pie, I’d be totally impressed by her if she knew 500 types of homemade pie, but alas such was not the case. As Continued on page 2
TX
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(562) R
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By Samuel Clemens
“You can never look as hot as I am, no matter how many eating disorders you have, doll”
Natalie Tran’s description of Barbie on YouTube
Quote of the Week
2
if being beaten up on a daily basis for knowing 500 decimals of pi were not enough, at the close of the video a disembod‐ied female voice asks Jambi (lol PeeWee’s Playhouse) how many decimal places she actually knows. The response? 2000. What freakin’ purpose does that serve? I’ve never needed to know pi past anything other than 3.14. In what real life situa‐tion would you ever need to recite 2000 decimals of pi? I guess if she ever gets taken hos‐tage, she can bore the kidnap‐pers to death, or at least lull them into a sweet relief coma, by yammering numbers on and on and on and on and on for like
10 days.
Number two on my list, and this is just asinine and a small testament to my own dorkosity because I actually watched the entire thing, is the World Whis‐tling Championship video. I be‐lieve that says it all right there, no further information needed. So on we go. Next we have the bevy of music videos, most of them inspired by game, movie, or TV theme songs. And admit‐tedly, some of them are freakin bad ass. However, there are just some things, or instruments, that should never be used to play the songs chosen. Cases in point include, but are most defi‐nitely not limited to, the broc‐coli ocarina used to play Beetho‐ven, the harp used to play the
Cantina Theme from Star Wars, the flute used to play, well hell anything, and my two personal favorites for the day – the elec‐tric violin to play a BEP song (Jesus Cristo that was painful) and….are you ready for this? Some tragically emo, homosex‐ually slanted, tween dork who plays an acoustic, folk rock ver‐sion of the theme song to Fresh Price of Bel‐Air.
Oh yes, he did it. I watched in horror, shock, and awe as he butchered this classic TV theme. But did he stop there? Oh no, that would have been what many people consider “merciful.” He freakin sang the
lyrics like a woman, and not the hot kind you want to bang like a drum slowly only the drum’s a chick, but a warbling, middle‐aged, heifer doing a Bob Dylan cover at karaoke night. After I nearly wet myself laughing, I wept openly like a European. Well, there you have it folks, that’s my rant for the week, or maybe month, I’m not sure how bitchy I am going to feel the rest of November. Please, if you’re a closet dork, for the love of all that is holy do not post asinine videos, it only perpetuates the farce and depravity.
‐‐Samuel Clemens, not a dork video poster
Continued from cover
Pi, the number
Emily is a bright young cookie. Somewhere along the line, she had the brilliant idea to major in math and minor in physics. And somehow, she’s still sane (sort of). She is definitely someone that can brighten your day every time you see her, so you should all make a point to go say hi to her some time this week. There’s a good chance you can find her in Trey Smith’s office any given after‐noon getting help on her Probability and Statistics homework (because she ap‐parently isn’t smart enough to do it on her own). In any case, she’s awesome.
RAM OF THE WEEK
Emily Hendryx
O b a m a F i l e s Well, President Obama hasn’t really done anything controversial
lately. It seems he’s been keeping a relatively low profile, and in‐
stead has let his Democratic counterparts take the lead on this
healthcare stuff. It might seem that he has finally started calming
down, and has stopped trying to wreck our country with his “Lenin‐
esque” agenda, but I think we all know better.
This must be the false sense of security that
always comes before the onslaught of tyr‐
anny. I told you last week that I thought
something was up; well this week, I am reiter‐
ating that. He is trying to lull us to sleep before
he springs his horrifying plan into action. Be
vigilant people! If we all keep our
eyes peeled, and jump at every slight
thing that raises a semblance of
minor suspicion. Take we need
more people like Glen Beck
watching out for us, so get out
there and protect America!
3
(3 June 2009, North Carolina) Greensboro was innundated with four inches of pouring rain in two hours leading to standing water, and strand‐ing cars on several roads. Rosanne Tippett, 50, was not deterred. She hopped on her moped and drove to a convenience store where she possi‐bly had a beer, according to her mother, before deciding to blunder home through the storm. She phoned home to share her intentions, saying, "My moped has two rubber wheels, Mom, I'll be fine."
North Carolina does not require a license to own a moped. Ms. Tippett had acquired hers two years previously after a DUI conviction.
The Highway Patrol had blocked off several roads that were inun‐dated with water, including Ms. Tippett's path home. But Ms. Tippett rode right past the officer and the barriers, lost control of her vehicle, and fell into the swollen creek below. The officer retrieved rope from his vehi‐cle and proceeded to haul her from the water.
He then interviewed Ms. Tippett, probably inquiring about her moti‐vation for speeding through a roadblock during a flash flood. The officer began to suspect that she had been drinking. When he briefly returned to his patrol car, Ms. Tippett took the opportunity to confirm his suspicions. She escaped‐‐by jumping back into the creek!
The Highway Patrol officer attempted to rescue her again, but alas, it was too late. The victim's mother speculated that her daughter's motiva‐tion for jumping into a flooded creek was to rescue her drowning moped. "She loved that thing."
Darwin Award
"The difference between American nerds and
Iranian nerds: the revenge of their nerds
involves bombing Israel"
4
Top Ten South Park Quotes
Top Ten
10. “I HATE FAMILY GUY!!!” – Cartman
9. “The took our jobs!” – Townspeo‐ple
8. “Let me just get a little high.” – Towlie
7. “Whatever! I'll do what I want!” – Cartman
6. “My Precious…They took my pre‐cious…”‐ Butters
5. “Scissor Me Timbers!” ‐ Mrs. Garrison
4. “Aww hamburgers!” – Butters
3.Chef: “Hello there, children.” Stan: “Chef, what would a priest want to put up my butt?” Chef: “Goodbye.”
2. “I am super‐duper serial.” – Al Gore
1. “Respect my authoritah!” – Cartman
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Contact us at: [email protected]
5
Hey Ramiculous fans, hope everything is going well with you all. Sorry I missed you guys last week but there was a Pokémon convention and I had to be there. I know a majority of you people of there were just as excited as I was when they finally im-ploded University Hall. I was only upset because unfortu-nately I could not be there to see it person. I saw several videos posted on facebook showing the implosion. Im-ploding University Hall was a major for all who happened to be on campus that morn-ing. If I had the opportunity to be here when it was im-ploded, I would be an ex-tremely happy person. It is sad to see the building go but University Hall has not been on a campus map in a very long time. That day will be a memorable for Angelo
State as well as alumni who were around when the build-ing was used. That just means those alumni who were around when it was used are old to my genera-tion. I remember way back, when I used to walk by that rat filled building and I wished come down in a blaze of fire but I guess ex-plosives work just as well. They promised to have Uni-versity Hall demolished a long time ago but I am glad that they finally tore it down. I’m just mad that I had to miss it. Maybe it will take them another few years to clean the debris away. That would be pretty be bad wouldn’t it? Anyway, that enough from me, I have nothing else to say. Feel free to move on to another article J.
—Krazy Kendra
WTF????????????
What’s the newest pandemic sweeping the na‐tion? Not the swine flu, it’s the skinny jean. People over two hundred pounds should not wear skinny jeans, end of story. Sorry to be harsh…well not really. They’re called skinny jeans for a rea‐son people. And no the number of shirts you wear does not take away the fact that your fat roles hang over the top. Skinny jeans are designed to come just over the hip and cause traffic to
stop because of the tight hug against your ass; but in all reality, the tight hug is com‐pressing nerves in that re‐gion. This nerve compres‐sion can cause fertility prob‐lems, bladder infections and (this is just the best) blood clots‐‐sound fun yet?
If you answered yes to that last question you should seek medical help immediately because not only are you completely de‐ranged, you are probably
suffering form SJS. Yes that’s right, the skinny jean now has its own disease la‐beled Skinny Jean Syn‐drome. Imagine going to a therapy session for SJS…on the bright side you would probably be locked in a room with Lindsay Lohan, Mary‐Kate and Ashley Olsen, and Miley Cyrus.
Unfortunately you’re in therapy for a pair of UGLY! YELLOW! STRECHY! jeans. My final point is for
the poor unfortunate souls within the male population who think they look good in skinny jeans.
Guys just for your information, your male geni‐talia does not look good crammed into a pair of skinny jeans. Just because Nike says “Just Do It” does not mean you should always listen.
Coraline Compton
Just Say No to Skinny Jeans
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R A M D I C U L O U S P A G E P O L I C Y Published every Friday and available to students on campus. This newspaper does not express the opinions of any writer, editor, or anyone affiliated with Angelo State University or the Texas Tech University System or this newspaper. We welcome all letters. Please include your name, position, and an email address. All submissions are considered property of the Ramdiculous Page and will not be returned. Submit your letters via our email, [email protected] or website www.ramdiculous.com. Opinions in any letter or writing are not necessarily those of the staff, nor should any opinion expressed in a public forum be construed as the opinion or policy of the administration or the Ramdiculous Page. By submitting anything to the Ramdiculous Page, you are giving the Ramdiculous Page permission to use your Facebook and/or Myspace profile in any way the Ramdiculous Page deems usable, unless expressed in writing. If you are an professor you need not worry, we will not use your profiles.
Sudoku
Ramdiculous Observances Saturday
Loosen Up, Lighten Up Day (relax it is saturday)
Sunday
I love to Write Day (it is why we do it)
Monday
International Day for Toler-ance (everyone isn't toler-
ant, we didn't know)
Tuesday
Homemade Bread Day (ask and you shall recieve)
Wednesday
Married to a Scorpio Sup-port Day
Thursday
World Toilet Day (use it)
2012
11:30am 12:45 2:00 3:15 4:30 5:45 7:00 8:15 9:30
10:45
A CHRISTMAS CAROL - REAL D 3D
11:45am 2:15 4:45 7:15 9:45
COUPLES RETREAT 1:05 4:05 7:05 10:05
LAW ABIDING CITIZEN
1:15 4:20 7:20 10:20
PARANORMAL ACTIVITY 11:40am 2:25 4:55 7:40
10:30
THE MEN WHO STARE AT GOATS
1:20 4:25 7:25 10:25
WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE
11:50am 2:20 4:50
THE STEPFATHER 7:35 10:15
Movie Times
The Men Who Stare at Goats I was very much looking forward to this movie. George Clooney, and Ewan McGregor have not failed me before. To catch up those of you who are unaware, the movie is about a journalist named Bob W i l t o n ( M c G r e g o r ) whose life is not going well, so he tries to make a name for himself as a journalist by covering the war in Iraq. In the process, he runs across Lyn Cas-sady (Clooney) who had been the most powerful member of a special divi-sion of the U.S. Army—A division of psychics. The
movie then follows what happens to them while regularly flashing back to stories of when he had been in the psychic divi-sion. It definitely made me
laugh a good bit, however not as much as I had hoped. It was certainly e n t e r t a i n i n g but left a bit to be desired. It was frequently cliché and a little cheesy, and it seemed to try to have a
message (which is never really a good idea for a movie, especially when the message is dumb). Overall, it was worth watching, but could have been much bet-ter. I give it a C.