Volume 7, Issue 8 Create A Great Funeral Day  

October 30, 2009 

NAMBLA

 

Safety in Buttholes 

Angelo State’s Finest Pap

er Since Fall 2006 

Something to Read

 in Class Today 

Ever wondered why the people in Washington get the appointments and the responsibility they are afforded by those above them? Probably not, hell I never cared - at least not until last Feb-ruary when I discovered that I had a five-year old child (I knew that extra night in Philadelphia would come back to bite me someday.) But that is nei-ther here nor there right now, my point is this – some of our most esteemed political figures are not who we are led to believe that they are. As shocking as that statement might be to some of you out there, that is the sad truth of the matter. In point of fact, one of the various, and newly appointed (not to mention suspiciously and regrettably named) czars of the Presi-dents’ cabinet, Mr. Kevin Jennings, is not whom he appears to be.

Who is Kevin Jennings, you might ask? Why should I care, you ask? When did I get a cat, you say? Rest as-sured, Ramdiculoholics, I shall inform you. But wait! There’s more! If you call now, I’ll also include this paring knife, a $40 value, absolutely free! Ok, not really, but I will let you know who this mysterious, leering, man is deep within the recesses of his brain. Kevin Jennings, in case you were unaware, is the newly appointed, or nominated I don’t really know, Czar of Safe Schools. This is a new position, maybe, of which the goal is to keep our children safe from drugs, rape, terror-ism, and failing grades in gym class while they are being indoctrinated by

pro-Socialist agendas that seek to brainwash them into believing that Karl Marx was actually Jesus and would one day come back to take us to the planet Nanu-nanu.

Kudos, you say? It’s about time we got someone to look after our children so we don’t have to, you say? Fie! I say. This is a terrible idea. Aside from the obvious problem of parents shirk-ing responsibility, there are several problems with appointing a czar to watchdog our school system. First of all being that anytime there is a czar around, a Russian revolution is not far behind – just look at what happened to Russia. They had a bloody coup and the czar was toppled. Too bad he was-n’t a weeble, then he could have just wobbled but not fallen down.

In addition to this clearly dangerous precedent, there is a large problem with the man himself. Clearly, Kevin Jennings earned his place as the school Nazi, but at what cost to our children? Upon first glance, this middle-aged ex-school teacher seems to be a perfect choice for this asinine and farci-cal position. He graduated as a magna cum (haha) laude from Harvard, a pres-tigious educational institution I am told. After which he began teaching high school history to young boys at some privatized (oops, hot word!) school. Sounds great, no? Well, it gets better. This para- Continued on page 2

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By Samuel Clemens

“ I know I'm powerless, but if you try to rape me, I'll diarrhea all over you."

Quote of the Week

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gon of benevolence is also a civil rights activist; some have called him the Martin Luther King of white people.

But wait! There’s more! Mr. Jennings, no relation to that Ken Jennings Jeopardy guy, is also a closet member, until now, of the prestigious organization NAMBLA. For those not in the loop, NAM-BLA is the North American Man/Boy Love Association. You heard right, man/boy love, or as it’s known in the rest of the world statutory rape. Man, I know I feel safe now sending my kids to school, Mr. Jennings will

take care of him…and maybe even clear up his sporadic bowel movements (or just contribute more to them).

NAMBLA advocates

defend their organization by

pointing out that “man/boy

love is natural, innocent, and

beautiful” and that it

“arouses homoerotic tenden-

cies and feelings through the

interaction of men and

boys.” Why not just come

out and say what you really

mean? “We love the feel of a

young, naïve boy on our

skin.” Or, better yet, NAM-

BLA – coercing and sodom-

izing young boys since Aris-

totelian times. The only

question I really have about

this whole thing is – where

are Chris Hansen and the

Dateline guys while this is

going on? I mean, if South

Park has already made fun of

NAMBLA, shouldn’t main-

stream media outlets be on

point as well?

--Samuel Clemens, avid

supporter of man/woman

love

Continued from cover

NAMBLAHHH

Molly Mason is… well, when she’s around you can definitely hear her. It’s a good thing though, because that means that you are about to experience one of the most fun people there is. She will make you laugh harder than you would laugh at seeing a 5 year old girl hit over the head with a baseball bat. She is also has a great giving heart. I would definitely rate her in the top 2.6324x102 most awe-some people that I know. Give her a high five this week, and if the opportunity presents itself, a wet-willy (but not on Tuesday)  

RAM OF THE WEEK

Molly Mason

O b a m a F i l e s

Well, I think the picture above speaks for itself, so I will be brief.

All I have to say is, Michelle, I think you need to not let your husband run off on his own so

much. Next time, it might not be just his eyes on another woman’s body. And as for President Sarkozy...well,

he’s French, what do you expect.  

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"History will remember George Bush as a great motivator. After all, he motivated millions of

people to vote for Obama."

Joe Lieberman Wants to  Legalize Weed Too

Joe  Liebeman  is  an  idiot. Idiots  are  people  who  disap‐prove  of  the  public  option. Option  is what  football  teams used  to  run  before  that  re‐tarded  wildcat  formation came about. About  is a prepo‐sition  that  people  use  in  sen‐tences when they want to pre‐pose  something.  Something  is not nothing. Nothing is sacred. Sacred is the opposite of secu‐lar.  Secular  is  what  people who  are  atheist  support.  Sup‐port  is  what  the  bra  does  for boobies.  Boobies  come  in  all shapes and sizes and are won‐derful.  Wonderful  is  one  less than twoderful. Twoderful is a word  I  just  made  up,  big whoop wanna fight about it? It is  a  novel  by  Stephen  King. Stephen  King  is  a  creepy  old man. Man is superior to beast. Beast and the Harlot is a song by Avenged Sevenfold, a band that  is  crazy.  Crazy  is  a  word to describe  someone who has lost all  their marbles. Marbles were  the  only  thing  kids  had to play with in the 1930’s until they  came  out  with  the  Red Rider  BB  Gun.  Guns  are  in danger  of  being  taken  away from  the  American  people. People  are  strange,  when you’re  a  stranger.  Stranger than  Fiction  is  a  Will  Ferrell movie. Movie review is on the last  page  of  this  publication. Publication  is  something  you do  when  you  want  people  to read  your  thoughts.  Thoughts are  those  things  that  people who  are  able  to  use  their brains have sometimes. Some‐times, I like to put my finger in my ear and smell it afterward. Afterward  is  a  difficult  word to begin a sentence with if you have  to  do  so.  So,  a  needle 

pulling thread. Thread is what technological  geeks  call  posts in  an  online  forum.  Forums used to be politically relevant. Relevant  aspects  of  the  socio‐economic  climate  have  fallen away  from  the  grasp  of  even the most intellectual people in the  world.  World  Cup  soccer begins in June.  June is busting out  all  over.  Over  and  under bets  are  easier  to  win  than  a parlay.  Parlay  is  what  pirates do  when  they  are  caught  by the  law.  Law  abiding  citizens need not  fear  the wrath of  Je‐sus.  Jesus  Christ,  Superstar was    a  musical.  Musical  fruit doesn’t really make music, just farts.  Farts  are  hilarious  in public  places.  Places  are  loca‐tions where  things  take  place in  lieu  of  nothing  happening. Happening  upon  the  dead body of her friend, Linda cried for her mother. Mother Teresa was  a  humanitarian  who  is now  dead.  Dead  is  the  oppo‐site  of  being  alive.  Alive  is  a song by Pearl Jam. Jam is tasty on  toast  and  belly  buttons. Buttons  help  keep  fat  rolls inside  ones  clothing.  Clothing keeps hobos warm if they can afford  them.  Them  was  a movie  about  ghosts  and  stuff. Stuff  is  a  great  men’s  maga‐zine.  Magazines  fit  in  guns. Guns  make  people  happy. Happy  cows  live  in California. California is a state in America where  there  are  a  lot  of  hip‐pies.  Hippies  smoke  a  lot  of weed. Weed  is  an  illegal  drug that  has  cost  the  American public much  too much money in  taxes  and  should  just  be legalized or we will  never  get anywhere  and  people  will keep dying for no good reason.

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A recent update in the Obama administrations actions has many of those at the Pentagon worried about the future of our country. In order to reduce government spending Obama has recently cut the funding for our would-be solution to the problems in the Middle East. This disregard for American engineering and manu-facturing should have many big named government contracts shaking in their work boots. Many liberally aligned news net-works have worked effortlessly to avoid the discussion of these actions, but there is at least one network that never backs down from the truth, but this time it is not Mr. Colbert. The critically acclaimed, Internet based news network known as the Onion has uncovered these plans in order to bring the real news to many unknowledgeable Americans. The plan, a new tank model, would reduce the personnel size needed in any combat situation to just the minimal necessary to keep the many functions of this paragon of human ingenuity running smoothly. This new model, code named “Dragon,” would increase the anti-personnel output while also cre-ating fear type tactics. The main reason fear tactics would be in-

volved is to avoid conflict where conflict is unnecessary. This would minimize the amount of casualties on both sides of the battle field, greatly increasing global moral where the conflict is concerned. When engaged in a firefight, the tank would use its

highly reflective, but durable, armored coating to blind ene-mies temporarily so that our own troops, if any are involved, may position themselves under the safety of reduced crossfire. In order to meet the rigid guide that the new President has set for government spending, sev-eral designs were cut from the final theoretical model. Unfortu-nately for the hard working la-

borers, Obama turned a deaf ear to their attempts to reconcile the program focusing only on the immediate effects of the spend-ing. This type of fanatical denial has lead to speculation that Obama may be “afraid” of the “Dragon.” The only way anyone

would be afraid of our “Dragon” is if they speculated on one day

turning on America. Was this a Freudian slip admittance of Obama’s plan to destroy our system? Only time will tell, but his work on taking down Wash-ington’s “all seeing eye” has oth-ers worried. Is he trying to re-duce our national security meas-ures? Why would the President, who is suppose to uphold the Constitution and the people it governs, want to expose his peo-ple to the obvious dangers on the borders of our country? It seems that no matter what ad-vance we try to make in securing ourselves as a nation, the Presi-dent stands firmly resolute in our way. Maybe if we designed a tea cozy that would render our ene-mies affectionate, the President would finally invest in American Industry.

-Chibi-mensch

The New Power Rangers, Obama Style

DEATH The  night  is  dark  as  the  brown leaves  dance  in  the  cold  brisk wind;  it  is  the  type  of  cold  that bites  down  to  the  bone.  Many  go on  their  nightly  routine  as  they head home and  things of  the  like. But this one sticks to the shadows, his  cold  cruel  breath  barely marked  his  location  beside  the alley. He stalks his prey like a pan‐ther,  quietly  and  quickly.  The predator  stops  when  the  prey stops—he  stalks  the  prize  hun‐grily  yet  reserved.  He  wouldn’t rush this one, he would enjoy this one.  He  finally  knew  that  they where  alone.  He  then  walked  up 

the  unknowing  prey  and  struck with these words,” I want a hoagie with everything on it.” The vender then  said,”  that  will  be  five  fifty.” As our hunter makes his way back he  wonders  what  to  do  with  the body  of  the  vender.  Incretion seemed  best.  Have  a  happy  Hal‐loween and watch out for a man in a  mask  and  cloak;  confront  him and  you might  get  a  surprise.  Oh and  no  one  has  sent  anything  in for the contest so as of right now I am the winner.    

‐Captain FuzzyBeard 

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November 9, 2009) 

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What do you think about the Dragon Tank?

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Sudoku

Ramdiculous Observances Saturday

National Knock‐Knock Jokes Day (Knock‐knock. Who’s there? You’re a whore)  

 

Sunday Zero Tasking Day  (see also: sloth)  

 

Monday Plan Your Epitaph Day (What 

do you want on your tombstone?) 

Tuesday Cliché Day (it’s all fun and games until Seth shows up)  

 

Wednesday National Chicken Lady Day  

 

Thursday National Men Make Dinner Day (stupid women’s lib)  

AMELIA

11:15am 1:55 4:35 7:15 9:55

HALLOWEEN 2 10:10

MICHAEL JACKSON'S THIS

IS IT 11:00am 1:40 4:20 7:00

9:40

ASTRO BOY 11:25am 2:05 4:45 7:25

10:05

COUPLES RETREAT 11:05am 1:45 4:25 7:05

9:45

SAW VI 11:45am 1:05 2:25 3:45

5:05 6:25 7:45 9:05 10:25

WHERE THE WILD THINGS ARE

11:30am 1:00 2:10 3:40 4:50 6:20 7:30 9:00

Movie Times

Saw VI I  love  October.  So  many  good things happen in October – my birth‐day,  Halloween,  the  World  Series, high school girls start wearing those really  tight  sweaters,  and  the  Saw film  series  brings  out  its  newest installment  for  the  American  public. And this year, the depraved minds of Lionsgate continue to impress.

The sixth, and what many people now  hope  is  the  final,  installment into  the  mind  of  Jigsaw,  portrayed eloquently  by  Tobin  Bell,  drives  us deeper into the insanity and piquant morbidity  of  a  man  driven  to  chal‐lenge  humanity  to  define  and  dis‐cover itself. As with previous films in the  series,  Saw  VI  delivers  a  deluge of blood, gore, terror and, ultimately, morality.  Some may  say  that  (watch this  film)  the  Saw  franchise  is  com‐pletely  devoid  of  morals,  but  the argument I present is this – morality is central to the theme of this series, namely  because  the  tests  designed by Jigsaw force those he is testing to confront their own demons,  to over‐come  them,  and  better  themselves. What’s  more  moral  than  defeating demons? Play‐doh? Negative.

While  the  sixth  movie  is  not heavy  (watch  it)  on  what  many would  call  “good  acting,”  it  does  de‐liver  on  the  blood  and  body  count 

front (not to mention the hottie quo‐tient is quite nice). All in all, there are sick  and  twisted ways  for  people  to be brutalized and murdered, and the body  count  tops  out  at  12,  three more  than  any  of  the  previous  films by my account. Honestly, there really isn’t much more  to  know  about  this film  because  I  don’t  want  to  give away  anything  that  would  discour‐age  you  from  seeing  this wonderful, deliciously evil film. I would call this a  must‐see,  but  that  would  be  pre‐tentious  and  overtly  opinionated (ARE  YOU  WATCHING  IT  YET?).  I give  this  film  a  solid  A‐  on  the  fil‐mographer’s  equivalent  of  the schofield scale.

‐‐Movie Man