Boris Spends Entire Transport Budget On One Awesome Bus

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London’s MAyor Boris Johnson was today accused of an “expensive vanity project” after announcing the replacement of the London’s fleet of buses with one “unbelievably awesome” bus. Sitting in the jacuzzi on the top floor of the diamond-encrusted behemoth, he described the plan behind the Routemaster 2000 Xtreme as “the best idea I’ve ever had”.

Touted by advisors as Johnson’s “legacy” to the capital, the Route-master Xtreme has a cruising speed of over 500mph, can travel on water

as well as land, and will have a shut-tered platform allowing passengers to hop on and off. The bus’s pro-jected route will take it past every house in London, a journey which will take 17 weeks to complete.

A normal double-decker bus would have cost in the region of £190,000, but the Mayor has denied that spending over £9bn on a single bus represents “poor value” for taxpayers.

“This is a bus London can be proud of,” remarked Johnson, posing in front of the sextuple-deckered monstrosity. “If it seems expensive, that’s because of the

money spent in research – testing the bus’s pizza oven, and finding which paintball guns were best for the fifth-floor entertainment zone,” he explained. “Once we start making more of these, the price can go as

low as two, three billion per wheel tops. This new bus will cut emis-sions by millions of tonnes, by virtue of it being the only bus left on the roads. And I’ve achieved this with only a slight increase in fares to

£6000 per single journey, which is chicken feed frankly.”

John Adams, a Green Party member on the London Assembly,

Fares will have to temporarily increase to £6,000 per journey

continued on Page 2 (bottom)

Outrage as Son of God lands Messiah jobExClUSIvE REpORT

full story Page 19

confession:lamb admits gambolling addiction

interview Page 32

the routemaster Xtreme has a cruising speed of over 500mph

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said it was impossible to justify the new bus when many London-ers were losing jobs. “In such dire economic times, we have to question Boris’s priorities. Does a bus really need eight spiral stair-cases? Does it need a sauna? If a bus needs a nightclub on it, surely one is enough? Perhaps if Boris had stuck to his original £6bn budget, this might have been an amazing

bus. But the cost seems to keep shooting up.”

Johnson remained defiant in the face of his “querulous killjoy” critics. “I’ve always promised a return to buses with conductors. Well, this man used to conduct the London Philharmonic. Who better to lead the 120-piece orchestra?” quipped Johnson, before grabbing the baton and leading the orchestra in a rendition of ‘Rule Britannia’, to rapturous applause.

“Does a bus really need a sauna?”

neWS

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A tUBe pAssenger identified as John Davies from Lambeth has caught fire to general indifference on the Central Line. According to witnesses,

fellow passengers on the train are resolutely sitting and staring the other way, seemingly unaffected by the acrid smell of scorching flesh slowly filling up the carriage.

“Help me, oh God help

me,” Davies said recently in an exclusive interview with Underground as the skin slowly melted off his face. “Why are you all just reading

Metro extra hard and check-ing your phones? You don’t even get reception down here!”

“Yes, I'm sat directly across from him, and yes, I am a qualified firefighter,”

said Kate Linford, firefighter, sat directly across from Davies. “But it’s a bit pat-ronising to put him out – I think he might feel emascu-lated. Also I don’t want to get smoke all over my work clothes," she added, edging her fire extinguisher towards the top of her bag, then pre-tending to be looking for her Oyster card instead.

“The guy almost broke that lady’s Kindle because he was burning so much. I don’t want any trouble, I’m no hero,” said another pas-

senger, staring fixedly at a stain on the floor.

“Please Christ someone I'm dying,” commented Davies again, resulting in slightly louder rustling than usual from his fellow com-

muters as well as several nervous coughs.

At the time of going to press, Davies was weigh-ing up whether to be “that wanker who pulls the emer-gency brake.”

despite the wArnings of MiddLe-aged people with steady jobs, secure pensions, and large accu-mulated capital, students are obstinately continuing to graduate into a terrible job market.

“Call me old-fashioned, but in my day we graduated into healthy

economies with high social mobil-ity,” said a millionaire govern-ment minister.

“What young people today don’t seem to understand is that there are lots of jobs – I’ve got a job! And so has everyone my age I know,” said another senior politician. “They’re all like ‘Oh! We need to find a job!’ so why

on earth didn’t they choose to be born around 20 years ago?!?”

“And I don’t get why they don’t just buy houses at a time when house prices are at an all-time low, and then do nothing but wait until the house market sky-rockets and then end up sitting on a fantastic investment? Young people these days have no work ethic. Or work.”

No-one wants to make eye contact with burning commuter

Foolish students still graduating into hopeless job market

continued from Page 1

there are lots of jobs – i’ve got a job!

A controversiAL new coALition welfare program has come under fire for requiring that partici-pants must start a business and become a millionaire within six months or risk losing some to all of their benefits.

"Welfare should be about making people better off. Look it up. That’s what welfare actu-ally means", said Evan Chang, from the Department of Work and Pensions. “We need to pro-vide the unemployed with the skills they need to become the billionaire businessmen of the future. If they can show they’re working towards that – for exam-ple, by becoming a millionaire businessman – then we can see that they’re deserving of their £71 weekly benefits. If not, then losing them will provide a power-ful incentive.”

“I'm sorry if this seems harsh. But the deficit is £120 billion pounds. The average UK worker would take over five million years to pay that off. That's enough time to listen to 26 and a half billion copies of the Beatles’

White Album. That's enough CDs to stretch from the Earth to the Sun more than 45 times. Think about that.”

“This was the push I needed,” said millionaire businessman Brian Marling. “There I was, with no qualifications or anything, just hoping to get through each day without breaking down in tears. Then I just realised, if I

became a millionaire, everything would be fine! Now I can proudly say that I have ‘millionaire’ on my CV, which should be really useful for getting job interviews in future.”

“People claim that there aren’t jobs out there. But I’ve got a job, and so has everybody I know,” said Ian Duncan-Smith, “Have these people even tried getting elected to things? It ’s not that hard.”

New welfare scheme forces unemployed to become millionaire businessmen or lose benefits

“now i can proudly say that i have ‘millionaire’ on my cv” – new millionaire Brian Marling

why are you all just reading Metro extra hard?

A very short introdUction to underground Magazine:

3underground magazine@undergroundmgzn

dAvid cAMeron todAy AnnoUnced that the Liberal Democrat leader’s pro-posal for an orgasm later this evening had been “regrettably overruled.”

Nick Clegg had unveiled his plan to engage in sexual intercourse after a candle-lit dinner with his wife, but according to officials had failed to put the policy suggestion past the Conservatives first. When Cameron learnt of the plans, he is said to have

been “livid”, phoning Clegg immedi-ately to tell him that an orgasm would be unacceptable.

“This is what being in coalition is all about – compromise,” the PM explained on The Andrew Marr Show. “In a nation where Nick had won a majority of votes, it would of course be entirely up to him whether he reached an ecstasy of moaning. But the fact of the matter is that the British people have not given him a

mandate to climax.”Conservative backbenchers are

still not satisfied, with some claiming that Cameron went too far in permit-ting Clegg to engage in the drunken, ultimately inconclusive, sexual act itself. “We’re the majority party,” said one MP. “The British people didn’t vote for Clegg becoming aroused at any point, regardless of whether he makes it over the finish line.”

Cameron has promised that the issue of Clegg’s orgasms is one that is important to him. “We happen to be at odds on this issue,” he admitted. “Of course if we weren’t in partnership with the Lib Dems, this issue wouldn’t be a priority, but we’re obliged to get involved now that it has been raised. Or not, as the case may be! Just a little joke, Nick, no offence.”

Early reports of the possibility of a referendum on Clegg’s orgasms in 2015 are so far unconfirmed. “Look, at the moment we’ve got some very important things to deal with,” said Cameron. “I’m sure Nick can be patient and understand that these things take time. About 15 seconds, in my case.”

stAff Acting on BehALf of Locog, the organisers of the 2012 London Games, have been accused of “oppressive heavy-handedness” after forcing the closure of an iden-tical copy of the Olympic Stadium built metres away from the original.

The stadium – named “Jim’s Other Olympic Stadium”, with an 80,000 capacity – was built and operated by James Brooks, a local Stratford businessman, but was forced to shut down after Olympic officials, acting to protect their pow-erful corporate backers, intervened.

“When London got the Olympics, we were told that it’d be a boost

to local businesses. But when one of us as much as tries to use the word ‘Olympic’, these guys are on us like a ton of bricks. We’re all just trying to make an honest living”, said Brooks, 42, extinguishing his 40-foot replica Olympic flame.

“It should be obvious that this isn’t the real Olympic stadium. Our running track’s a different shade of brown, and our opening ceremony’s only got 30 Routemasters in it. And our hundred metres has a ‘Busain Holt’. But I suppose they just feel they have to squeeze out the little guy.”

“So maybe those are ‘technically’ the Olympic rings,” Brooks added, referring to the logo on each of the

millions of tickets he paid to have printed. “And maybe that guy on the posters does look like Sebastian Coe. Or actually is Sebastian Coe, and I took it when he wasn’t look-ing. But who are these bureaucrats to crack down on entrepreneurial spirit?”

Brooks is also facing investiga-tion after it emerged that he had installed ground-to-air missiles on flats without the permission of residents, which LOCOG claimed was a “clear case of mimicry”.

Syria crisis now at 7.1Syria has now reached a 7.1 on the International Crisis Scale – on which an 8 would trigger automatic military interven-tion – according to the Foreign Office. “Obviously Iraq was higher than 8”, said one official. “But Syria isn’t. No, we’re not going to tell you how we calculate this. Because terror-ism, that’s why.”

Incompetent Kate Middleton still not pregnantMiddleton’s lack of child-bearing has provoked outrage. “this is not what we’re paying her for,” said an angry taxpayer, staring at a picture of Middleton’s defiant, unpregnant body. “she literally has one job, and that is to be the opposite of what she is now.”

Print this article or I’ll kill your entire family“Sure,” said the editor of Underground Magazine.

Heavy-handed Olympic police shut down identical Olympic stadium

Tories overrule Nick Clegg's planned orgasm

neWS

MAyAn AnALysts hAve Been forced to admit that their prediction that the world would end on December 21st, 2012 was overstated. The prophecy has now been revised to an indication that we can expect a hotter-than-average summer, and that “one of China or the US” will win the upcoming Olympic Games.

“Apocalyptic conditions have just not materialised in the way we anticipated,” said head sooth-sayer Intzamn’aaj Chabtan, shaking

his head and carving a thick red downwards line on a temple wall. “As this is the second consecutive 5,125-year cycle in the Mesoameri-can long-count calendar without a

doomsday event, we’re officially in a double-dip cataclysm.”

Aztec business secretary Vi’ins Caabl pointed out that he had been predicting an apocalypse-free 2012 all along. He was, however, removed from his role last year after failing to show sufficient respect to the Sun god.

Mayans revise apocalypse forecast downwards

news in Brief

by our olympics correspondent

ancient doomsayers scale back

orgasm awaiting official approval from downing Street

the orgasm has been “regrettably overruled”

Apocalyptic conditions have just not materialised

Athletes such as tom daley might have been tricked into going to the wrong olympic stadium

Government on fire for cutting firefighters’ pay

full story Page 29

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MiLLions of sMokers Across the UK have kicked the habit after a photo of Miliband having a ciga-rette outside Parliament went viral on Twitter.

“I used to smoke 40 a day,” said ex-smoker Lance Adamson. “But after I saw Ed Miliband greedily inhaling, then coughing in his weird nasal tone, it lost all its appeal. I felt physically sick.”

Desperate claims by tobacco companies that the photo is actu-ally of Ed Miliband’s cooler brother David have been swiftly rejected by anti-smoking campaigners: “This is classic propaganda, Big Tobacco trying to make everyone think that smoking’s only done by cool, healthy, attractive people. But

we all know it’s Ed who’s rolling Rizlas under the desk in PMQs with his grubby yellow fingers.”

The so-called ‘Miliband effect’ has also been seen in the collapse of Adele’s record sales after Ed started singing along to ‘Someone Like You’ on Desert Island Discs, as well as in the sudden closure of nightclub Whisky Mist, which was left completely abandoned after Ed was seen crunking on the dancefloor in his tucked-in shirt and tie.

“It’s a problem,” confided one Labour insider. “He’s desperate to like the things that ordinary people like, but as soon as he does, the whole of popular culture under-goes a seismic shift in the oppo-site direction. I mean, who’d have thought everybody would become

opposed to free healthcare just because Ed supported it?”

A photograph of Miliband smok-ing is set to replace pictures of cancer-ridden lungs on cigarette packets, accompanied by the warn-ing ‘SMOKING WILL MAKE YOU SIMILAR TO ED MILIBAND.’

Everyone Quits Smoking After Ed Miliband Starts

Concept Of Love Invoked To Sell Toilet Cleaner

Qatada granted passport after record-breaking javelin throw

the hUMAn concept of Love, the single fundamental emotion famous for binding the entire species, was used yesterday as part of an advertisement for ‘Toilet Blast’, a nice-smelling goo used to clean bathrooms, in an advert aired during hit ITV game show Take Me Out last weekend.

Love – famously featured in Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet and Woody Allen's Annie Hall, and described by Voltaire as ‘a canvas furnished by nature and embroi-dered by imagination’ – was used to promote the mixture of sodium

hydroxide, disinfectant and syn-thetic fragrance in a way that has become acceptable in this twisted world that has somehow come into being.

In the advert, the product – used exclusively to clean residual fecal matter from toilet bowls – is held by a mother who smiles as small joy-filled child runs up and hugs her, while her nearby husband smiles a smile of familial bliss. “You love life”, a voiceover says. “Don't let a toilet bowl stand in the way.” The woman is then revealed to have aged into an older woman, and hugs another small smiling child, presumably a grandchild who also defecates regularly.

“I liked the advert”, said Monica Ahmed, 32, from Hackney. “I like how it made it look like the woman was loved by all, and made me think that if I were to buy the product then I, too, could be loved. Maybe if I had been using Toilet Blast last year my boyfriend wouldn’t have left me, and I wouldn’t feel this unshakeable sense of emptiness.” She went on to scrub the enamel furiously, her hot tears steaming as they came into contact with the powerful alkali that makes “Toilet Blast” such an effective product.

ABU QAtAdA, the rAdicAL Islamic preacher, today received British citizen-ship and a ‘hearty pat on the back from all of us’ af ter successfully breaking the world

javelin-throwing record. The throw of 99.3 metres was almost a full metre further than the previ-ous record held by Jan

Železný of the Czech Republic. “I couldn’t believe it,” commented Home Secretary Theresa May. “We were all there at customs just about to deport him when he sud-denly pulled it out of the bag. Huge throw. Huge.”

Remarking on his achievement Qatada said, “It’s unbelievable, I’m so proud. I’ve always sus-pected I had it in me, but to produce it under that kind of pressure... it feels awesome, just awesome.”

“It’s been my dream since I first took up the

sport. Of course back then in Jordan we didn’t have javelins, just bombs. And we didn't throw them, we strapped them to teenag-ers. But it’s much the same thing.”

“I suppose it's ironic because the Olympics was part of the reason we wanted to get him

out. Well, I guess that's life as a border official,” commented one border official.

The family of the 10-year-old child killed by Qatada’s record-breaking throw expressed sorrow at their beloved son’s death, but added, “We’re 100% behind Team GB!”

ed Miliband ruining the colour green for everyone

Qatada on the way to olympic javelin training

Maybe if i’d used toilet Blast my boyfriend wouldn’t have left me

“Qatada’s going to be awesome – let the medals roll in!”

Interview: The Gap“Don’t mind me”

My side of the story Page 34

All of space and time!

IN pICTURES:

:6second

interview

with Nelson Mandela

so nelson, was apartheid really all that bad?Well, actually

sorry nelson, we have to leave it there! Next week... the Pope on abortion!

5underground magazine@undergroundmgzn neWS

50% of those poLLed woULd strongly agree with the state-ment “Lizzie should break up with Andrew”, according to an Ipsos Mori poll, conducted by pollster Lizzie Weston, of herself and the other person at the table.

When asked to explain their choices in the poll, half of respond-ents chose ‘It’s not you, it’s me’ as their key reason, with ‘I just don’t understand where this is coming from, everything seemed fine between us, how could you do this to me’ a close second.

The poll, commissioned by Lizzie Weston in response to increasingly optimistic statements from Andrew Chatterjee about the future of their relationship, provides a clear empir-ical basis for her course of action. “Sorry Andrew, but the statistics are unambiguous,” explained Weston. “Half of all respondents think this is the right thing to do. That’s basi-cally a majority. Plus, if you take into account a 50% margin of error,

it’s an absolute majority. Hey, the truth hurts.”

A previous telephone poll of close friends of Weston had indicated that only 20% were opposed to the split, though critics have commented that the form of the question – “I should definitely break up with Andrew, right?” – was tailor-made to provoke a positive response. Detractors have also pointed to substantial flaws in the main poll, with around half of

all respondents distracted by floods of tears at the time of questioning.

Though a rival survey concluded that over 60% of relatives thought Lizzie and Andrew “perfect for each other”, these results were contro-versially ignored by Weston during the dumping.

Exit polls from the breakup are showing that Andrew is unsure whether he will ever love again.

An eALing tortUrer strUggLed during a first date yesterday after proving unable to move the conver-sation away from his day job.

The evening, which had promised to be a romantic encounter between two young people looking for love, instead became fraught with awk-wardness: “I wanted to talk about other stuff, like X-factor and whether I prefer e-books or the real thing, but she kept on just being like, so, you torture for a living?” complained Jon

Davies, 28, torturer.“So I thought, since she asked, I’ll

tell her the story from when I hung this total douchebag upside down today and whipped his testicles until he vomited over himself and begged for mercy – she didn’t even laugh.”

Davies’ companion for the even-ing was nonplussed. “I thought I’d

flirt a little by asking him ‘so, how would you get me talking’, but when he forced bamboo shoots under my fingernails I realized we weren’t really compatible,” she commented.

“I feel bad that I’m pigeon-holing him as the torturing type. I guess maybe I’m not looking for anything right now.”

“I’ve decided I’m not going to answer his texts,” she added. “I can’t think of anything crueller than caus-ing a man the unbelievable agony of heartbreak.”

Torturer On Date Can’t Steer Conversation Away From Torturing

Pollster Should Break Up With Boyfriend, Say 50% Of Respondents

London rApper k-wizzo is QUite wealthy, according to a new record-ing written and performed by him-self.

In developments likely to astound haters who thought he’d amount to nothing, K-Wizzo claims to have substantial material wealth, while also being both talented and sexu-ally attractive. The recording also reveals the artist to have owner-ship of a number of guns, despite firearms being illegal under UK law.

“Before this, I'll admit I was scep-tical as to the number of sex-workers with whom this man had had rela-tions,” said Timothy Spelman, 29, a listener. “This track has helped to dispel these mistaken impres-sions as to his virility along with some queries I also had regarding his financial status and physical

strength. It was extremely informa-tive.”

K-Wizzo's record, ‘Look At How Wealthy I Am (Wealthy, Wealthy, Wealthy)’ is expected to enter the charts at number three this week, behind a track by a female rapper explaining that she is empowered and unobtainable, and one by a dance act expressing affection for the weekend.

Rapper Wealthy, Song Reveals

she kept on just being like, so, you torture for a living?

dAting news

entertAinMent news

The past decade on the Underground scene has seen some huge, if rare, successes. Who can forget the electrifying

atmosphere of “Stockwell 2005”? But this tube carriage is yet more of the same dull, pedestrian offer-ing we’ve come to expect from the commuters of London.

The indie guy with the head-phones on provides a repetitive backing beat that’s not loud enough to listen to properly, but not quiet enough to ignore. The old man in the corner overlays this with some hacking coughs, and rustles from the freesheets complete the per-cussion section. But that’s where the magic stops – where are the vocals? An extended 30-minute instrumental might be acceptable if you’re a prog-rock band from

the 70s, but these are real people standing literally centimetres away from each other. And yet the total lack of chemistry is palpable; these commuters just aren’t interested in each other, and until that happens, this carriage will remain a tired re-hash of every other Tube journey out there.

There’s a real sense that the only thing that is going anywhere is the train itself. one star.

the tube carriage you're in right nowLondon Underground

MUsic review

should Lizzie break up with Andrew?

yes(50%)

no(50%)

Top track: severe delaysLength: 3,530 hoursBest lyric: “the next / station is”

Album in brief

greece Angela Merkelfrançois hollande

we’re fucked

Moneyspanish banksgovernment cuts

Bond market vigilantes chinaMoussaka

debt iMfthe european fiscal stability fund

The Eurozone crisis explained INFOGRAphIC:

T h e T u b e C a r r i a g e Y o u ’ r e

i n r i g h T n o w******

L o n d o n u n d e r g r o u n d

“the date was a very painful experience” – Jon, 28, torturer

6 undergroundmgzn.comunderground magazine

There’s No ‘I’ In ‘Remote Control Drone Massacre’

play an important role, and yes, it’s my finger which pressed the button to actually fire on that wed-ding party, but we shouldn’t forget that it’s a collaborative effort.

Modern warfare is a team game. It takes thousands of people, all working together over a long period of time, to achieve the impressive end results we deliver time and time again. For exam-ple, the guy who does the Excel spreadsheet, to work out how much firepower we can afford to send in that hospital's direc-tion. It might not seem like much, but he’s an essential cog in the bigger military-industrial-complex

machine. Then there's the cooks who prepare the food that keeps us massacre-ready. And then the lawyers who establish that our conduct falls just below the internationally-recognised criteria for what constitutes a ‘war crime’, and that anyway, those toddlers probably had guns. You can’t take the praise without remembering who got you where you are.

When we’re watching the explo-sions on our control screens, we can sometimes forget they’re just the final piece of the puzzle. But it’s not just the destination that's important – it’s also how you get there. Regardless of whether we

efficiently wipe out a dangerous Taliban insurgent, or accidentally carpet-bomb an entire village because someone mistook a 4 for a 7 like I maybe just did, it’s all of us who share the responsibility. I really have to stress that. All of us. Together.

I’m not saying I'm not important. It takes a lot to sit in an air-condi-tioned room and kill people like in a computer game. But for one of us to stand before our families or the President or a military police inquiry and take all the credit? That's just plain unfair. I'd call that wrong.

We're all in this together. Right?

To the untrained eye, it’s tempting to assume that all the credit for what a drone does should go to the operator. It’s just too

easy to single out one person as the hero of the hour. Yes, I obviously

I’ve had it up to here, dear reader, with columns that just tell me what the person writing them thinks. I mean, who do these journalists think they are, telling

me their opinions and expecting me to care?

I can't think of a single part of them I don't hate. I suppose it might just be the staggering level of self-indulgence, to assume that someone will want to hear what you have to say for hours at a time, as I explain at length in my books Jenny Darling: The Way I See It and Jenny Darling: More Ways In Which I Also See It!

Let's not forget the awful quality of writing, as seen in the casual use of surreal similes in an attempt to inject humour. It’s like a dog riding on a skateboard – it seems funny at first, but then you realise what they're doing won't achieve any-thing. Or adding needless snarky

pop culture references, which are more tiresome than listening to One Direction after overdosing on sleeping pills! And when they take an extreme point of view just for the sake of controversy. People like that should be taken out and shot in front of their families!

These people assume you're going to care about even the most inane anecdotes. “Why do columnists think people will care about their plodding, go-nowhere stories?” I asked my husband one day as we drove home from the supermarket, after buying some shopping. “I don't know, honey,” he told me, just before we pulled into

our driveway and began to unpack the bags, which were orange. And if he doesn't know, then I certainly don't!

Why is my life reduced to read-ing these awful columns, as I sit at home trying to write my column? Shouldn’t I have something better to read? “Mummy, you’ve been put-ting words into my mouth since before I could even speak,” says my youngest son. “Doesn’t that make you uncomfortable?”

“Don’t be silly,” I say, shooing him away as I sit down and begin to work hard at writing about myself. “How else can I pad this out to 500 words?”

commenT

I’m Fed Up Of Reading Columnists’ Opinions

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Jenny darling, Columnist

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7underground magazine@undergroundmgzn

dear sir, Let me get this straight. On the one hand, doctors and teachers and police deserve to be well paid. On the other hand, the country needs to save money. But then, these people deserve to be well paid. But that brings us back to the money point. In conclusion, it’s a tough cookie.

Yours,Paul Frost

dear sir,I just went for a run! That’s right, I went running. I took up running, and now everyone else needs to know. Look, it’s me running! (I’m looking in a mirror, while running.)

Yours, Alice Wilkinson

dear sir,The other day, I was walking my dog when a Polish girl came round the corner. Aren’t immigrants awful?!

Best,Jane Brady

dear sir,BOOOOOM bang bang. Tak tak tak tak tak tak tak.

Yours,Michael Bay

dear sir,I notice you haven’t been receiving many death threats so I thought I’d help out – I’m gonna kill you.

Best,Anon

dear sir,So I’m at Waitrose near the deli coun-ter, just minding my own business, when who walks in but – you’ll never guess – The Spectator’s mother! So her and I ended up talking, and it turns out that her son is a magazine too and is doing quite well for him-self, and she gave me his number

for you just in case you needed help getting started – what do you mean you don’t want it? What’s the worst he can say?

Yours, Mother

dear sir,No more jokes about circumcision please. Cut it out!Anon

CorrectionsIn last issue’s Technology section we mistakenly mixed up reviews for the Epsom X-445 and the Canon Inkjet 44-10. This was a printer error.

On last issue’s front page, we acci-dentally misspelled the name of this publication, Funderground Maga-zine, as ‘Underground Magazine’. It’s too late to ever change it now, so just mentally add the extra letter from now on.

time travelling Bro seeks past selvesIt was the 11:09 from Shepperton to Waterloo; I was the guy wearing the ripped lab coat holding the portable time machine, you were me (from the past, wearing a new lab coat), writing this letter into the Missed Connections section of Underground Magazine about seeing myself from the previous time-loop – remember me?

We laughed when the past

version of me from three timeloops forward tripped over his feet and ripped his coat while trying to stop all eight time-versions from trying to stabilize the time-paradoxes by using a missed connections article to draw us back into the same place.

I wish I’d given you my number because there are like 70 of us run-ning about now and I’m pretty sure I’ve ripped open the space-time fabric. Call me!

Man seeks Mystery tube BeautyI saw you (blonde, red handbag) looking super cute on the tube yesterday. Your face had got jammed between the carriage doors, it took three hours for paramedics to get you out – I love the way you’re always the centre of attention. I’m on 07654812374, call me.

woman seeks Man desperate enough to read to end of Missed connections

letters&Corrections

The Daily Male saves marriage from the homoscommenT

Write for us

Underground Magazine is written, edited and published by a team of volunteers

We’re always on the lookout for:

1) New writers – send a few headlines, ideas for features, or links to pieces you’ve written

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4) Website people – send us examples of your work at info@undergroundmgzn.com

sadly we can’t offer you money since we’re all unpaid, but we can offer you eternal

happiness and laughter instead.

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editor@undergroundmgzn.com

Missed Connections

CARTOON:

We rejoin the story of THE DAILY MALE as he fights to keep marriage out of the hands of the horrible homos...

A Full-ON BATTLE ENSUES - THE DAILY MALE IS VICTORIOUS!

somewhere in a proper british home: the daily male can relax in the knowledge that his country hasn’t gone to the (gay) dogs - OR AT LEAST, NOT YET!

a beautiful heterosexual couple are getting married...

But what’s this - the bastard militant homosexuals trying to ruin everything!

binge drinkers!

red tape!

eurocrats!

hoodies!

pc gone mad!

obesity timebomb!

the heroic daily male!

teen mum crack addicts!

slags!

militant homos!

(...and he’s got a samantha

brick!)

fear not - THE DAILY MALE has come to save the day!

* disclaimer: i’m definitely not

homophobic, in fact loads of my best

friends are gay

“EVERYTHING IS

NORMAL HERE!”

– TOURIST

Visit sunnySyria!

Look At these people! they Are having A great time in syria! you could too! the Army

presence is for your safety!

EXPLORE!...the fascinating ancient city of Homs, mysteriously destroyed long ago!

EXAMINE!...our impeccable humanrights record!

EXPERIENCE!...the tranquility of a nation undisturbed by any civil war, at all, ever!

feel the national pride! come join one of our huge patriotic rallies in support of the president!*

*Bring 10,000 of your friends carrying syrian flags and pro-government placards or be executed!

“Beautiful sandy beaches with

no dead bodies scattered around

at all!”

Syria’s For You!From the moment you arrive to the moment you die or leave, Syria is truly a place for everyone! except foreign troops.

» Our new, strict “child-free” policy makes Syria a perfect place for a romantic break

» Bored of sitting on the beach all day? Our nation-wide adrenaline tour will literally blow your mind!

TESTIMONIALS:“those who choose to remain in syria or to visit against our advice should be aware that YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE A BRILLIANT TIME!”– British Consulate

“we are very safe, especially now that armed terrorist insurgencies aren’t a big problem any more”– Beloved Syrian citizen

A NOTE FROM BELOVED SYRIAN PRESIDENT

Bashar al-AssadHello, Friends! Let me welcome you on your trip to Syria – the jewel of the Med! Syria is a peaceful and prosperous country with gorgeous

coastlines, ancient history, and friendly people. There’s no international mandate against us, because everything is fine here!A case in point – only the other day I was talking to my friend Vladimir Putin

on the phone, and I made a joke about there being a huge civil war in Syria with thousands being slaughtered every day.He chuckled for half a minute and then said, “That is a very funny joke Bashar! It is particularly funny because it bears no relation at all to the truth! By the way you have the full support of the Russian government in the UN!”So enjoy your stay here, and don’t forget to not internationally intervene when you get home!

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