The Werewolfs Guide to Life by Ritch Duncan and Bob Powers - Excerpt
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Have you been attacked by a wolf-like creature in the last 30 days? Was it after the sun had set and under a full moon? If you answered, “yes” to both these questions, there’s a very good chance that you were bitten by a werewolf. You now have less than a month before the full moon returns and with it your first transformation into a savage, bloodthirsty beast.
Transcript of The Werewolfs Guide to Life by Ritch Duncan and Bob Powers - Excerpt
The Werewolf’s Guide to Life
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The Werewolf’sGuide to Life
A MANUAL FOR THE NEWLY BITTEN
Ritch Duncan and Bob Powers
Illustrations by Emily Flake
Broadway Books
NEW YORK
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P U B L I S H E D BY B ROA DWAY BO O K S
Copyright © 2009 by Ritch Duncan and Bob PowersIllustrations copyright © 2009 by Emily Flake
All rights reserved.Published in the United States by Broadway Books,
an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Random House, Inc., New York.
www.crownpublishing.com
B ROA DWAY BO O K S and its logo, a letter B bisected on the diagonal, are trademarks of Random House, Inc.
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication DataDuncan, Ritch.
The werewolf’s guide to life : a manual for the newly bitten / by Ritch Duncan and Bob Powers.—1st ed.
p. cm.Includes bibliographical references.
ISBN 978-0-7679-3193-91. Werewolves—Humor. I. Powers, Bob, 1973– II. Title.
PN6231.W39D86 2009818'.607—dc22
2009007512
P R I N T E D I N T H E U N I T E D S TAT E S O F A M E R I C A
Book design by Elizabeth Rendfleisch
1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2
First Edition
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To purchase a copy of
Guide to Life The Werewolf’s
visit one of these online retailers:
Amazon
Barnes & Noble
Borders
IndieBound
Powell’s Books
Random House
www.BroadwayBooks.com
CONTENTS
READ THIS FIRST xiNOTES ON THE TEXT x i i iINTRODUCTION: SO YOU’VE BEEN BITTEN xv i i
PART ONE
SAY HELLO TO A BRAND-NEW YOU
1. The Basics 3What is lycanthropy?
2. How to Determine If You Are Really a Werewolf 9The early symptoms of lycanthropy; how you can know if whatbit you was actually a werewolf
3. The Stages of Lycanthropy 19The five stages of lycanthrope life; lifespan versus longevity; whathappens when a werewolf dies
4. Purebloods 29Lycanthropes who are born with the condition; how they differfrom the bitten; parenting tips for raising a pureblood
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5. Tips on Your First Transformation 37The simplest solutions to staying alive and not killing innocentpeople during your first change
6. When It Will Happen and What It Will Feel Like 47A blow-by-blow description of what it actually feels like tochange into your wild state—blood, sweat, and tears
7. Werewolf Dreams and Stranger Things 61The wild, vivid, and very terrifying dreams of the Stage 1lycanthrope; dream control exercises; a note on encounters withthe undead
PART TWO
LIVING, LOVING, AND LEARNING . . . WITH LYCANTHROPY
8. Home Is Where You Hang Your Restraint System 77Where should werewolves live?; the types of residence and localesideal for werewolves
9. A Safe Room of One’s Own 89Werewolves need a safe room in which to lock themselves awaywhen they change; a listing of ideal safe rooms, from bombshelters to band-rehearsal spaces
10. Strapping In 99Finding the proper restraint system for your Moons; the rightway and the wrong way to restrain yourself; sample designsystems
11. Diet and Livestock 109How to satisfy the insatiable hunger of a werewolf; a meal chartby point system; ideal livestock you can raise
v i i i CO N T E N T S
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12. Werewolf Wanted 119Lycanthropes still need to work; ideal employment forwerewolves
13. Romance and the Modern Lycanthrope 127Can a lycanthrope maintain a committed relationship?; includingyour partner; werewolf sex
14. Werewolf Communities 139Werewolf communities and why they are not encouraged; wolfmeetups; how to contact another lycanthrope
15. Of God, the Devil, and Lycanthrope Faith 147Are werewolves a product of evil?; can werewolves continue toworship their God?
16. Health, Medicine, and Wellness 151Maintaining a healthy body and a healthy mind
PART THREE
KEEPING SECRET, KEEPING SAFE, STAYING ALIVE
17. So You’ve Attacked Someone 167How to react after you’ve gotten loose; determining the extent ofthe attack and the response from your community; yourresponsibilities to the lycanthrope you have created
18. Avoiding Detection 177Controlling your behavior; fitting in; making sure you aren’tbeing watched
19. Government and Police 185Why you should never risk being detained by any lawenforcement; why you should avoid government attention; adiscussion of the Düsseldorf Project
CO N T E N T S i x
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20. The Trouble with Vampires 195How to deal with the smug, effeminate undead
21. Fur Chasers 199Some people actually want to become werewolves; a discussionof how they’ll seek out lycanthropy; how to protect yourself fromthem
22. Werewolf Hunters 209A detail of the specific types of werewolf hunters who want to doyou harm—everything from the religious nut to the big-gamehunter; some signs by which you can spot them
23. The Dark Side of Lycanthropy 219The many ways in which a lycanthrope might turn to darknessand truly embrace the word “monster”; a discussion of theLycanthrope Ascendance movement
CONCLUSION: It ’s Not a Death Sentence 231
Your life as a werewolf can be as rich and rewarding as you wantit to be
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS 234
APPENDIX: Transformation Dates, 2009–11 235
x CO N T E N T S
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READ THIS FIRST
1. Werewolves are real.2. If you have been bitten by a werewolf and survived the
attack YOU WILL TRANSFORM INTO A WERE-WOLF. Your transformations will occur on the eveningof the full moon, as well as the evenings immediatelybefore and after the full moon (waxing and waning).These are popularly called your “Moons.” The firsttransformation will happen roughly a month from thedate of your attack. To be clear, if the full moon fallson the fifteenth, you will transform into somethingvery, very dangerous on the evenings of the fourteenth,the fifteenth, and the sixteenth.
3. IF THERE IS A FULL MOON APPROACHINGAND YOU HAVE EVEN THE SMALLEST SUSPI-CION THAT YOU HAVE BEEN BITTEN BY AWEREWOLF, TURN TO CHAPTER 5, “TIPS ONYOUR FIRST TRANSFORMATION,” IMMEDI-ATELY.
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4. If you do not know when the next full moon will be,FIND OUT RIGHT NOW by checking the appendixat the back of the book. If you are reading this after December 2011, learn how to determine the date ofthe next full moon in Chapter 6, “When It Will Hap-pen and What It Will Feel Like,” or check online atwww.werewolfguidetolife.com.
5. The majority of lycanthropes who do not have access tothe information in this book die during or shortly aftertheir first transformations. Causes of death are gener-ally heart failure, gunshot wounds, exposure, drowning,or suicide.
6. The bulk of the information in this book was originallycirculated in the form of xeroxed, handwritten copies ofthe collected writings, observations, and oral historiesof people who have both lived (and died) with lycan-thropy. That information has been supplemented via in-terviews with lycanthropes and those whose lives havebeen touched by lycanthropy.
7. This book was created to save human lives, includingyours.
8. Hollywood horror movies are not to be used as guidesto living with lycanthropy. Their goal is not to educate,but to entertain. As a result, they are largely ignorant ofthe realities of the condition.
9. Ignorance creates monsters; lycanthropy does not.10. You are not a monster.
x i i R E A D T H I S F I R S T
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Notes on the Text
NAMES AND IDENTIFYING DETAILS
Where lycanthropes and their loved ones are identified bytheir full names or other identifying details, those names anddetails have been changed to protect the individuals fromthose who might do them harm.
TESTIMONIALS
The introductory paragraphs of each chapter are firsthandaccounts of people who are living with lycanthropy, who havea loved one who is a werewolf, or whose lives have beentouched profoundly by the condition in some other manner.They are excerpts from much longer interviews conductedby the authors while researching this book. The authorsthank these brave individuals for sharing their experiencesso that future lycanthropes might learn from them. We alsothank them for trusting that their anonymity would not be
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compromised, and we have gone to great lengths to makesure their identities remain hidden.
TRUE LEGENDS?
These text inserts are taken from stories that have beenpassed down from werewolf to werewolf over the years. Wecannot be sure of their veracity, but even if they turn out to befalse, we believe they are still helpful either as allegories orcoping mechanisms. These legends have persisted for a rea-son.
USE OF THE MALE PRONOUN
In many cases throughout the book we rely on the use of themale pronoun “he” when speaking of a hypothetical lycan-thrope. This is done solely to aid the readability of the textand should not be seen as confirmation of the myth that ly-canthropes are always male. Any human being can become awerewolf, regardless of gender or race.
USE OF THE TERMS “WEREWOLVES,” “LYCANTHROPES,” AND “NON-LYCS”
Throughout the text we use the terms “lycanthrope” and“werewolf” interchangeably. It is a commonly accepted col-loquialism among lycanthropes to refer to themselves as“werewolves,” and our text reflects this.
We have tried to refer to non-lycanthropes as simply“non-lycs” rather than “humans,” since lycanthropes are noless human than non-lycs. Further, in many traditional textson lycanthropy, the werewolf’s two states are divided into the
x i v N OT E S O N T H E T E X T
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“human” state and the “wolf” state. We believe that both ofthese states are experienced by the same human being, and sohave tried to avoid referring to one state as more human thanthe other. To this end, we have made a point of signifying thelycanthrope’s pre-transformation state as his “dormant” stateand his post-transformation, wolf-like state as his “wild”state.
N OT E S O N T H E T E X T x v
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So You’ve Been Bitten
Introduction
Welcome to The Werewolf’s Guide to Life, the definitive man-ual for the recently bitten lycanthrope. If a werewolf has re-cently attacked you, or you’ve already transformed into awerewolf, we urge a thorough reading of this text.
Thousands of werewolves living in the twenty-first centuryhave jobs, families, and obligations. They are artists, busi-nesspeople, and scholars; Democrats, Republicans, and In-dependents. They have backyard barbecues and homegardens, and they celebrate holidays from Easter to RoshHashanah to Ramadan.
Unlike the rest of society, werewolves happen to have acondition that, three times a month, causes their bodies to al-most double in size, triple in strength and agility, grow a thickmass of tightly woven fur, and transform from an unremark-able human being into a savage, wild animal resembling (butdistinctly different from) a wolf, whose behavior patterns aregenerally dictated by voracious hunger and rage. There is noknown cure for this condition because, strictly speaking, it isnot a disease. With care and discipline, it is manageable.
This book is written primarly for the recently bitten (Stage
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1) lycanthrope. This is a person who is scared, confused, andunable to process what is happening to him. The ignoranceof Stage 1 lycanthropes makes them a danger to themselves,general society, and the community of well-adjusted, nonvio-lent werewolves who have found themselves persecuted as aresult of the rampages of the terrified, uneducated few. If wereach just one of these newly bitten werewolves and are ableto save his life and, by proxy, the lives of his neighbors andloved ones, we will have achieved our goal. This is not a guideto learn how to fight off a werewolf, and this is not a guide tolearn how to become a werewolf. It is a guide to help newlybitten werewolves learn how to retain their humanity.
So if you are one of these recently bitten people, congrat-ulations on your decision to read this far—it very well mayhave saved your life. What we are presenting to you is a work-able road map that will allow you to come to grips with the re-alities of your condition, design an ethical life for yourself thatcan be lived to the fullest, and avoid premature death, killingthe innocent, or passing your condition to another throughviolent attack. This book includes everything from short-termsurvival and transformation techniques to long-term guid-ance, including diet, wellness (both physical and mental), liv-ing arrangements and environments, vocations, dating, sex,love, and child-rearing.
If you have any interest in staying alive, keep reading.
—The authors September 2009
x v i i i S O Y O U ’ V E B E E N B I T T E N
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RITCH DUNCAN AND BOB POWERS have devoted their livesto aiding and serving the lycanthrope community. They live in NewYork City.
EMILY FLAKE is a New York–based cartoonist and illustratorwho is grateful to have gotten close enough to study her subjectsfor this book without being torn limb from limb.
A B O U T T H E A U T H O R S
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To purchase a copy of
Guide to Life The Werewolf’s
visit one of these online retailers:
Amazon
Barnes & Noble
Borders
IndieBound
Powell’s Books
Random House
www.BroadwayBooks.com
