HEBREWS 13.4Let married life be honoured among all of you and not made unclean; for men

untrue in married life will be judged by God.

But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery.Mateus 5:32

PEOPLE SKILLS INDICATOR

There are 20 sets of 4 words or phrases below. Rank the words in each set GOING ACROSS, by assigning a “4”to the word or phrase that BEST

characterizes your personality, a “3”to the word or phrase that next best characterizes your

personality type, a “2” to the next most, and a “1”to the word or phrase that LEAST

characterizes your personality type. When you have ranked all 20 ACROSS, then add DOWN

each column.

1 dramatic precise powerful accommodating

2 encourager Deep thinker doer listener

3 motivator organizer achiever mediator

4 charismatic realistic dynamic diplomatic

5 stimulating systematic decisive accommodating

6 spontaneous perfectionist risking accepting

7 cheerful purposeful forceful tactful

8 promoter planner producer supporter

9 interruptive critical impatient indifferent

10 unfocused pessimistic controlling indecisive

11 persuasive diligent competitive compassionate

12 I fear loss of relationships

I fear change and disorder

I fear loss of control

I fear loss of harmony

13 I’m motivated

By fun and freedom

Belonging contributing

Power results

Peace and balance

14 I like Variety activities

Facts, data and order

Bottom line results

Low key situations

15 I need to be

Praised recognized

Appreciated for my work

Respected for accomplishments

Accepted for who I am

16 I am known for

Knowing how to have a good time

Doing things right

Making things happen

Making people feel accepted

17 At work I am known as

Outgoing and social

Accurate and reliable

Direct and driven

Patient and neutral

18 I like being with people who are

Verbally open and casual

Thoughtful and do their part

Competent and get their job done

Caring and kind

19 I am frustrated:

Routine repetition

unpredictability

incompetence

insensitivity

And finally !!!!20 A Key part

of who I am:

My relationships with others

My organization and systems

My accomplishments

My stability

21 Under stress I become

Fragmented and disorganized

Moody and withdrawn

Dictatorial and assertive

Overwhelmed and tired

SANGUINE: YELLOW – POPULAR

An extrovert optimist who makes life fun. They talk all the time and think everything is funny.

• They are bright, fun, the life of the party and they show off better than they show up. Their clothes and behavior are meant to be noticed. They are often shocking and loud. Sometimes, they think bad attention is better than no attention at all, therefore, hating indifference and ice treatments.

SANGUINE• Basic Desire: fun• Emotional Needs:

attention, affection, approval

• Cause of Depression: life/ work no longer fun; no parties; no spending

• Stress Relief: moments of fun; eternal shopping

• How to help: visit and give him gifts; take him out to eat

• Typical Control Response:needs to feel loved and that all is well; laughs; charming, flirtatious; offers prizes; friendly; minimizes trouble; throws parties• Extreme Control Response:begs and pleads; pouts, cries, tantrums; hits, slaps, whines, helplessness; high drama; lies, cheats, pretends, seduces.

• They are bright, fun, the life of the party and they show off better than they show up. Their clothes and behavior are meant to be noticed. They are often shocking and loud. Sometimes, they think bad attention is better than no attention at all, therefore, hating indifference and ice treatments.

MELANCHOLIC• Basic Desire: perfection• Emotional Needs: order,

sensitivity, silence, space• Cause of Depression:

life/ work not perfect; no hope; no improvement

• Stress Relief: getting organized, time alone

• How to help: listen to his problems, show warm concern

• Typical Control Response:needs to feel life is moving towards perfection, keeps things organized, creates and follows plans, stays within the budget, brings beauty and meaning to places where they are, sacrifices selflessly, perfect, researches detailsExtreme Control Response:moodiness; dramatic sighs,drama, silent treatment well planned, physically withdrawing, whithholding, secrets, lies, snide remarks, quiet revenge, shows visible disappointment

CHOLERIC: RED - POWERFUL

An extrovert leader who takes charge easily. They are bossier than the boss and think everybody else is an idiot.

• They are born leaders and quick decisive. They don’t like to be told what to do, what to wear, and may respond in shock to rules that they consider rigid or restricting. This is their way of taking charge.

CHOLERIC• Basic Desire: be in charge• Emotional Needs: loyalty,

achievement, appreciation

• Cause of Depression: life/ work out of control; no business; no income

• Stress Relief: detach from problem, start new project

• How to help: recognize his effort, put him in charge

• Typical Control Response:needs to feel productive; convincing; presents logic; sets goals; delegates; asks clearly for what they want; makes quick decisions; works hard; tries to take overExtreme Control Response:Manipulates, demands; hot temper, yells, hits, grabs, threats with actions; name calling, punishment

PHLEGMATIC: GREEN - PEACEFUL An introvert mediator who rolls with life’s punches. They are so nice, but never finish anything.

• They are easy going, pleasant, friendly. They love the word casual and, if they could, would come to work in their pajamas.

PHLEGMATIC• Basic Desire: peace• Emotional Needs: respect,

feeling of worth, peace and quiet

• Cause of Depression: life/ work not peaceful; no rest; no escape

• Stress Relief: watches TV, rests and relaxes

• How to help: keep conflict down, respect his space

• Typical Control Response:needs to keep peace; stays reasonably detached; avoids high drama and trouble; does exactly what he is told; sees what others need and does it; doesn’t think too deeply; finds easy ways to do things; friendly on the surfaceExtreme Control Response:Quiet refusal, procrastinates, hides, runs away, withdraws, gives silent treatment, answers in monosyllables, lies, keeps secrets

THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES1. WORDS OF AFFIRMATION Verbal compliments and words of appreciation are powerful communicators of love.2. QUALITY TIMETogetherness is the central aspect of quality time, where quality conversation is important, and also requires sympathetic listening. How to listen:• Maintain eye contact when spouse speaks• Don’t listen to spouse and do something else at

the same time

• Listen for feelings• Observe body language• Refuse to interrupt

3. RECEIVING GIFTSA gift is something you can hold in your hand and say: “Look, he was thinking of me”, or “she remembered me”. You must be thinking of someone to give them a gift, and it is a symbol of this thought of caring; it is not the thought implanted in the mind that counts, but the one expressed in actually securing the gift and giving it as an expression of love.

4. ACTS OF SERVICEJesus Christ gave a simple but profound illustration of expressing love by an act of service when He washed the feet of His disciples. In Galatians 5.13, Paul says: “brothers, you have been called unto liberty, but do not use it for an occasion to the flesh, but by love serve one another.

5. PHYSICAL TOUCH

Physical touch is also a powerful vehicle for communicating marital love. It can either edify or break a relationship. It can communicate hate or love. Whatever there is of me resides in my body. To touch my body is to touch me. To withdraw from my body is to distance yourself from me emotionally.

How to act towards a person with the following love language:

COMMUNICATION ACTION WHAT TO AVOID

WORDS OF AFFIRMATION

ComplimentsEncouragementFriendly, appreciation, inspiration

Cards and NotesCorrect tone of voice, sincerity, humbleness, privacy

Criticism

QUALITY TIME Time alone togetherNo interruptionEye contactQuality conversations

Take walks togetherPicnics, excursionsDo things togetherDrink coffee together

Extended time apart, more time with others, limited time together

GIFTS PositiveFactsInformation

Gifts on special occasionsSurprise gifts

Forgetting special events

ACTS OF SERVICE I can….I will….What can I do for you?

Help with choresHome maintenanceGood deeds

Ignore his/her requests while helping others

PHYSICAL CONTACT

Non verbal Visual

Physical contactHugs

Physical abandonment, neglect or abuse

COMMUNICATION

Six levels of communication:1. General: what we say and how we speak to strangers.2. Facts: The sharing of facts regarding our daily and

personal lives.3. Opinions: At this level, we run the risk of being

involved in conflicts, because, as we begin to express our opinions, we realize our differences and this may lead to disunity.

4. Feelings: This is a very sensitive level of communication because when you express your feelings, you may be told you are wrong; you may feel alienated from your spouse.

5. Needs and Desires: At this level, we begin to share the needs and desires we require of our spouse. This will require you to have a strong sense of awareness and security. As you share your opinions, feelings, needs and desires, you should not have to fear criticism, to be able to experience intense love and respect in your relationship.6. Convictions: Beliefs reflect who you really are and what flows out of your heart. This determines your thoughts, words and actions. At this level, the spouses listen to each other with their hearts.

EFFECTIVE METHODS OF COMMUNICATION

• Pay attention to body language• Repeat words• Use encouraging gestures• Be specific. Don’t beat around the bush• Maintain eye contact

IMPORTANT QUESTIONS• If you had one feeling, need, desire or

conviction, what would it be?• Do you feel that I listen, when you speak to

me?• At what level of communication do you

think we are?• What can we do to reach the next level?• What can I do to understand your heart

more?

CONFLICT

The importance of resolving conflict is that:It makes the parties in the relationship

feel worthy and importantIt declares the battle insignificantWe get to the root of our emotionsIt ensures mutual respectIt encourages and promotes a willingness

to resolve conflict in the future

REASONS WHY WE DO NOT HEAR EACH OTHER

• Due to having been together for a long time, we assume or anticipate what the other person is going to say

• We prepare the response while the other is still speaking

• We become personal • We resort to unfounded accusations• We recall and mention the past• We interrupt each other• We intimidate or threaten each other

MISTAKES THAT WOMEN MAKE

• They hold back and at some point they explode• They instigate conflict so as to vent

emotionally• They want to discuss emotional issues at the

most inconvenient times• They complain about one thing but mean

something else• They continue being emotional even though

the situation has been resolved

MISTAKES THAT MEN MAKE

• They speak louder and sound cold, angry and threatening

• They ignore or disregard the woman’s emotion

• They become frustrated with the speed at which things are progressing

• They act as if the woman is stupid• Men want to find a solution all the time

BASIC EMOTIONAL NEEDS OF A WOMAN

1. AFFECTION: the expression of feeling – confirm your love by words, loving glances and soft touches

TEST• Is it important that your spouse behaves

affectionately towards you?• Is intimacy important to you during sex?• Do you find it difficult to sleep if there are

unresolved issues between you?

2. CONVERSATION: Your spouse cries out: “you are not listening to me!!”

TEST• Do you enjoy talking to people? • Is it important for you to communicate

continually?• Do you find it easy to speak to strangers?

3. HONESTY AND OPENESS: When you feel that your spouse is transparent and completely open hearted. You will tend to feel important and special when your spouse shares his emotions and daily activities

TEST• Do you feel happy and satisfied when your

spouse shares his deepest thoughts, secrets and insecurities?• Would you like to know that your spouse

needs your support?

4. FINANCIAL SUPPORT: It often happens, unfortunately, that people marry for financial gains

TEST• Do you expect your spouse to be the

bread winner?• Do impulsive financial decisions make

you nervous?

5. FAMILY COMMITMENT: This is not primarily about provision and clothing, but about emotional condition and development of the children

TEST• Do you feel happy and satisfied when your

spouse spends time with the family?• Do you feel disconnected when your spouse is

unreasonable with the children?• Do you become irritated when your spouse

puts work above the family?

BASIC NEEDS OF A MAN

• 1. SEXUAL FULFILLMENT: For a woman to desire sex, she needs to be emotionally prepared. For a woman to uncover herself physically, she needs to be covered emotionally

TEST• Does sex make you feel better when you

are at an emotional low?

2. RECREATIONAL COMPANIONSHIP: This need addresses two needs: the need for a relaxing activity and the need for a companion to share the activity with.

TEST• Do you continually look for a relaxing

activity to do with your spouse? Do you think of different things?

3. ATTRACTIVE SPOUSE: Appearance is the most common factor that initially plays an important role in relationships. For some people, it remains a very relevant factor for the rest of their lives

TEST• Do you feel frustrated when your spouse

is untidy?• Do you enjoy it when people compliment

your wife’s appearance?

4. DOMESTIC SUPPORT: This refers to general household chores such as cleaning, preparing food and looking after the children

TEST• Do you feel frustrated when everything is

out of control at home?• Are you personally very neat and tidy?

5. ADMIRATION: Some people feel romantic and in love due to their spouse’s compliments.

TEST• Do compliments make you feel good?• Do you feel insecure when your spouse

criticizes you?