Strengthening RelationshipsStrengthening Relationships

A Life Skills Workshop

Presented by

Student Counseling Services

“To have a friend, be a friend.”

““Friendship is not won by the Friendship is not won by the giving of things, but by the giving of things, but by the

giving of the heart.”giving of the heart.”

--- Roy Lessin--- Roy Lessin

RelationshipRelationship: the state of being related.

RelatedRelated: 1. connected by some understood relationship. 2. connected through membership in the same family.

The key is CONNECTION.CONNECTION.

Relationship AssumptionsRelationship Assumptions

1. Successful relationships are basic to successful living.

2. Keeping relationships healthy deserves a high priority.

3. Your marriage or significant other is your most important relationship.

4. You can learn to understand how to make your relationship work.

Types of RelationshipsTypes of Relationships

• Family relationships • Occasional (“anonymous”) relationships –

clerks, waiters• Casual relationships (acquaintances) – some

people at work, professors, classmates• Friendships – people with whom you seek

interactions, whose company you enjoy• Romantic relationships – passionate,

emotional connection, usually reciprocal

Aspects of FriendshipAspects of Friendship

• Keeps confidence• Loyalty• Warmth/affection• Supportiveness• Frankness• Sense of humor

• Willingness to make time for me

• Independence• Good conversationalist• Intelligence• Social conscience

Six Rules for FriendsSix Rules for Friends

• Share news of success with a friend.

• Show emotional support.

• Volunteer help in time of need.

• Strive to make a friend happy when in each other’s company.

• Trust and confide in each other.

• Stand up for a friend in his/her absence.

Development of a Close Development of a Close RelationshipRelationship

• Zero contact

• Stage 1: unilateral contact

• Stage 2: bilateral contact

• Stage 3: mutuality

Intimacy in CommunicationIntimacy in Communication

ClichéClichéConversationConversation

Person 1Person 1

Person 2Person 2

Intimacy in Communication

Cliché Facts,Cliché Facts,Conversation Other’sConversation Other’s IdeasIdeas

PersonPerson 1

Person 2

Intimacy in CommunicationIntimacy in Communication

Cliché Facts, Your Conversation Other’s Ideas Ideas & Opinions

Person 1Person 1

Person 2Person 2

Intimacy in CommunicationIntimacy in Communication

Cliché Facts, Your Personal Cliché Facts, Your Personal Conversation Other’s Ideas Information Conversation Other’s Ideas Information Ideas & OpinionsIdeas & Opinions

Person 1Person 1

Person 2Person 2

IntimacyIntimacy in Communication

Cliché Facts, Your Personal FeelingsCliché Facts, Your Personal FeelingsConversation Other’s Ideas Information About EachConversation Other’s Ideas Information About Each Ideas & Opinions Other NowIdeas & Opinions Other Now

Person 1Person 1

Person 2Person 2

Close RelationshipsClose Relationships

• Relatively long-lasting

• Frequent interaction

• Mutual activities

• Impact of interactions is strong

“Marriage is not just a ‘happily ever after’ ending,

but a lifetime of ‘I choose to love you’

beginnings.”

--- Matt Anderson

Why Marriages Succeed or Fail

Dr. John Gottman

“A lasting marriage results from a couple’s ability to resolve the

conflicts that are inevitable in any relationship.”

Styles of Marriages

• Validating

• Volatile

• Avoidant

Validating

• Listen and understand each partner’s point of view

• Value other while disagreeing– more like problem-solving discussions– negotiate compromises

• Value “we-ness” of relationship

• Risk: passionless arrangement

Volatile

• Fight on grand scale--make up on grand scale

• Highly engaged with each other

• See selves as equal parties in relationship

• Easily express feelings, opinions, & thoughts

• Risk: slide into too much fighting

Avoidant

• Conflict minimizers

• Agree to disagree--shove it under the rug

• Low level of companionship

• High degree of autonomy

• Risk: Encountering problem too big to avoid

Emotional Ecology

• Need to strike a balance of positive/negative– magic ratio: 5 to 1

• Healthy marriages represent three ways of adapting to achieve the balance

• Unhealthy marriages which do not adapt can be recognized by warning signs: – “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”

Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse

• Criticism

• Contempt

• Defensiveness

• Stonewalling

Criticism

• Attacking someone’s personality rather than behavior

• Blaming & accusing– “You…” statements

• Different from Complaining– “I…” statements

• Present to a degree in all relationships

Contempt

• Criticism with intention– deeper, more personal attack

• Includes– insults & name-calling– hostile humor & mockery– body language

• Results in decay of admiration or positive feelings for partner

Defensiveness

• Elicited by criticism & contempt• Includes:

– denying responsibility --making excuses– disagreeing with mind reading --yes-butting– cross complaining --Rubber man/woman– repeating self --whining

• Result: obstructs communication--conflict escalates

Stonewalling

• Communication shutdown

• Conveys disapproval, disgust, smugness

• Found in men more than women

Cycle of Negativity

• Four horsemen are hard to tame

• If unchecked, downward spiral/cascade occurs

• Flooding occurs--system overload

• Chronic flooding leads to distance/isolation cascade

Strategy for Improvement

• Calm down

• Speak nondefensively

• Validating Partner

• Overlearning--try & try again