Stephen Hawking · 2019. 1. 22. · Stephen Hawking Woopster Garou Death Grips Local Band Tupac's...

Vol. 104 Issue 3 December 17, 2018 MIT 35 cents

StephenHawking

Death Gripsis Online

The Life &Times ofWoopsterGarou

web.mit.edu/voodoo/www/ | S T O N E R S RO L L | 3DECEMBER 17, 2018

SR1729 "All theBoozeThat...Ahh"The Age OldQuestion of OldAge

Trump WinsPresidency

Stephen Hawking

Woopster Garou

Death Grips

Local Band

Tupac's Ghost

ONTHE COVER StephenHawking photographed inCambridge on Dec. 9th,2018, by Karina Hinojosa.

Grooming by Kevin Santillan.Styling by Jacob Miske.Television by Hector Iglesias.

4 | S T O N E R S RO L L | web.mit.edu/voodoo/www/ DECEMBER 17, 2018

Editor-In-Chief

Managing Editor

Art Editor

Literary Editor

Photography

PublicityManager

Ad Manager

Office Manager

STONERS ROLL*

Any similarity to persons living or dead without satirical intent is coincidental. Content publisheddoes not necessarily reflect the views of individual authors, VOO DOO, MIT, or any other entitieswith which it may be associated. VOO DOO does not take responsibility for any consequences ofpeople reading the magazine. By choosing to view this magazine, you put yourself at risk of takingoffense, doubling over in uncontrollable laughter, and/or nuclear radiation. VOO DOO is notprinted on recycled paper due to concerns about the environmental impact of the "deinking"process, but is printed with soybased inks so if you chew it long enough, it tastes like tofu. VOODOO is printed at Turley Publishing, Inc. and produced with free/libre and open source softwarebecause its EditorinChief likes to pretend he cares about the environment and hippie shit like that.

*Stoner's Roll is an MITVoo Doo parody issue, yadingbat.**

**Apologies to our readerswho are actual dingbats.

Est. 1919 — December 2018 Vol. 104 Issue 3

Art

LiteraryContributers

Publisher

Funded By

Voo Doo, MIT Humor Magazine (ISSN 1066-2499), is published byPhosphorus Publishing twice a year assuming apathy does notconsume us all. All material ©2018 Voo Doo Magazine and individualauthors. Single copy price $2, two issue mail subscription $3.Submissions accepted from any past or present MIT affiliate.Advertisers: write for rates, page sizes, and deadlines.

CHECK OUT THEARCHIVE ON OUR

WEBSITE!


Correthpondenth

Paul is Dead(?)

Caesar NessVia carrier pigeon

Billy Shears, via W.A.S.T.E.

Et tu, Spotify?

babyface_tmVia the Internet

NotTheRealTigerWoods

Via the Internet

Donald J. TrumpVia Twitter

Rump RoastIn SR 1728, Porky "the Pig" Rodriguez traveled to Buenos Aires toattend the 2018 G20 summit ["The 2018 Political WinterOlympics"]. After a brief mix-up with his press credentials,Rodriguez was let onto the press moshpit to ask our country'sleader a few questions. Readers—and Trump— responded.

Contact UsLETTERS to Voo DooMagazine, 77 MassachusettsAvenue, Cambridge, MA 02139.MIT Room 50-309

E-MAIL Send submissions [email protected], or join ourmailing list [email protected]

MEETINGS (Usually)Wednesdays from 6-8pm in ouroffice, 50-309, in WalkerMemorial.

Joaquin StickKalamazoo, MI

Ender PriceLittle Rock, AR

Sophie CleatsVia the Internet

PiscaToastViaFacebook

The War on Drugs

melonhead01,via Internet

#ElonGate

PeterFile, viaemail

JohnWayanViaMorseCode

WorldCup

All of Telemundo


That List Page2. NumbersNumbers are thefoundation of all ourlogic and certainty inthe world. However,since this list page isordered by numbers,we do not want to beaccused of nepotism,so we’re givingnumbers the #2 spot.

3. IngredientsCarbonated Water, HighFructose Corn Syrup,Concentrated OrangeJuice, Citric Acid, NaturalFlavor, Sodium Benzoate(Preserves Freshness),Caffeine, Sodium Citrate,Erythorbic Acid(Preserves Freshness),Gum Arabic, CalciumDisodium EDTA (ToProtect Flavor),Brominated VegetableOil, Yellow 5.

4. David Letterman’sTop 10’sTop Ten Reasons WhyLetterman’s Top 10’sWere Timeless: 10. Witty.9. Topical. 8. Suspenseful.7. Endearing.6.Descending. 5. I’m.4. Running. 3. Out. 2. Of.1. Ideas.

5. Linked ListsThese lists areusually used as aprogrammer’sintroduction topointers, but no onehas thought of askingwhy there is only oneconical section forthese data structures.Is it too much to askfor a hyperbolicallylinked list?

"What? You need a listfrom me to fill the spaceon the right side of this

page?" asked Phos afterwe forgot we needed tofill the space on the right

side of this page.

Hitchhiker’s Guide tothe Galaxy

Only to be read by reallyhoopy froods who know

where their towel is.

Star Wars OriginalTrilogy

Don’t be too proud of thistechnological terror

you’ve constructed. Theability to make specialeffects is insignificantnext to the power of a

story.

Lord of the RingsOne film to set the stage.

One film to raise yourhair. One film to end it all.

If it ever gets there.

MatrixThis film trilogy gave mea finer appreciation forMike & Ike’s. I want a

strawberry-banana pill,please.

The Foundation TrilogyViolence is the last recourse ofthe incompetent, which is whymy computer is broken after

finishing this list.

Phos T.Cat

1. LettersSOMEONE GLVEDTHE CAPS-LOCKBUTTON ON OVRCOMPVTER, SOWE’RE IVST GOINGTO PRETEND THISENTRY IS ALLABOVT THE LATINALPHABET. THISVVAY, VVE CANGET AVVAY VVITHSHOVTING ABOVTHOVV EPIC THISLOOKS.

MY LIST

6. FBI’s Most WantedThis particular list would be higher up in the list page,but we feel that the lack of including the concept ofracism brings this down to the #6 spot. Please call 1-800-CALL-FBI if you have any information that wouldlead to the apprehension of racism.

7. That List PageWe’re humble, so thislist page is the last onour list of lists thatcould have ever beenlisted.


Q&A KANYE WEST P. 16 | TV 'WHO IS AMERICA?' SERIOUSLY. WHO? P. 17

Death Gripsis Online

The Sacramento-based experimentalhip-hop trio are back with their

latest funhouse of horrors.

BY HECTOR IGLESIAS

MC Ride onstage beforehe bowls a strike into thecrowd.


The album cover art forYear of the Split.

I


The Myth of the Local BandA look into the dark underbelly of the MBTA, where a rotating cast of local

buskers entertain the Greater Boston area.BY JACOB MISKE

L


On the Rainy Rio GrandeA tale of love, tragedy, and a mocha frappucino, all for the low, low price

of $6.99. I'll have a large—oops, I meant a venti.BY BEN SHEFFER

I


Above: The espresso machine secondsafter it malfunctioned in front of Pablo.


The Murder of TupacShakur 2: The Sequel:

The Movie: The ArticleThe mysterious case of a hologram's untimely

death brings more questions than answers.BY ADRIAN MEZA

L


The Medium of the FutureAfter many delays, Apple is finally able to bring

streaming into the brains of its users.BY JACKIE MONTANTE

L


Before we start this interview, I just wanted tosay that I love your music, and you are veryinspirational to the youth and all that. Youmake me want to be a better man, and I feellike on top of the world when you speak yourmind.

You were holed up in the great state ofWyoming for these sessions earlier this year.The mountains? Gorgeous. And you helpedproduce Ye, Daytona, Nasir, the list goes onand on. But people are like, whoa, this isshort. Can you even call these albums?

You go hard on your albums, man. I’mserious. It really shows how much you careabout people, and life, and everything. Life’sa game, so you gotta be the best damn playerout there and help others when you can. Arethere times outside the studio when you dothis?

Not only did you produce and release allthose albums this year, but you also droppedthat collab with Kid Cudi. Kids See Ghosts.What sort of ghosts inspired you to makethis album?

On April 19, 2018, you blessed the world withone of the most momentous and powerfulstatements ever made in the music industry.Lift Yourself. I think that no one can disputethat those bars took the world by storm.Would you care to expand on the meaning ofthe song?

KanyeWest

The hip-hop icon interviewshimself about the origins of the

innovative album Kids SeeGhosts and why we all need tospread the love like there's no

tomorrow.BY KANYE WEST

K&YE Yo, that’s craz-I met with the president some time ago.Immediately afterwards, there was a lot oftalk going on. MAGA this. MAGA that. Allthese people who are trying to shoehorn mein this box they created themselves, trying toscare me to not be myself, to not wear thishat. What are your thoughts on thissuppression of my ideas?

You said the hat gives you power. Like, whenI put it on, I’m like, MAGAAAAAAAAAA!Would you mind if I use my scouter to checkyour power level with that hat on?

What, nine thousand!? There's no way thatcan be right!

I can’t even begin to understand how youcome up with these new insights. You’re anincredibly forward thinker man. On behalf ofmyself and all your fans out there, would youmind sharing what goes on in the brain toproduce such novel ideas?


Television20/20

Who isSachaBaronCohen?The man, themyth, the Borat.BY KEVINSANTILLAN

WHO IS AMERICA?HBO

W

Cohen can't evenrecognize himself

anymore.


StochasticNotes

Meth-ODActingShia Lebouf prepares for a new roleas a serial crack addict by modelinglife after those living in the worstconditions.

FEELIN' BLUE?Following thedeparture ofAmeer Vann,Brockhamptonenlisted the help ofa member fromthe Blue ManGroup to fill thevacant position onthe stage and intheir hearts.

SURPRISE, SURPRISEFollowing the criticism ofchoosing Bloomberg as the 2019Commencement Speaker, MITcame to its senses and replacedhim with the Crown Prince ofSaudi Arabia.

GETTING EVENIn a shocking turn ofevents, the ongoing list ofprime numbers decided todisinherit the first primenumber after they realizedit was the odd one out.

STRIKE FORRIGHTSBoston's ownGreen Monstergoes on strikeand vows to fightsystemic oppres-sion on all kindsof monster.

ICE CREAMGuantanamoBay publiclyannouncesnew primalscreamtherapyprogram thatallowsinmates todestress.


Oh,PoohBearPosters of Winniethe Pooh have beenpopping upeverywhere in Chinaas part of a guerillamarketing schemefor the long-awaitedvideo gameKingdom Hearts III.Pooh and othercharacters from the100-Acre Woods willmake anappearance in KH3to much fans'anticipation.

Ho-Ho-Huh?A cult of mallSantas aretraveling to theNorth Pole fortheir yearly trip toworship TheGreat One.

INACTION ISACTIONMIT PresidentRafael Reifprepares foranother relaxingday of not address-ing issues as hecontinues to followthe principle ofleast action.

TOILETTROUBLESAAmmaazzoonn CCEEOO JJeeffff BBeezzooss hheeaarrsstthhee ccrriieess ooff eemmppllooyyeeeess eexxppoosseeddttoo bbeeaarr rreeppeelllleenntt,, bbuutt dduuee ttoo hhiissIIBBSS,, hhee mmuusstt ffiirrsstt fflluusshh aallll 4477ttooiilleettss iinn hhiiss mmaannssiioonn bbeeffoorree hheeccaann rreessccuuee tthheemm..

HERBIE GETS SICKSelf-driving cars have beenexperiencing their own carsickness lately due to thespinning laser systemmounted around them.SAT ON MY D***

On his SAT exam, Lil'Pump tattooed the testanswers on his faceand repeatedlyslammed his foreheadonto the test hopingthat the ink was stillfresh enough to stick.


The Age Old Questionof Old Age

Humans typically die from being too old, but a recent disputebetween the President and the rest of the country may result

in the nullification of the concept.

TBY PHOSPHORUS


Theamendmentthat protects usfrom “cruel orunusualpunishment” inourgovernment’sconstitutionwouldtheoreticallyprotect us fromaging itself.

S

”

“


TrumpConfirmedPresident

Stoners Roll led a two-year long investigation intothe claims that Donald J. Trump was the President

of the United States. These are their findings.

BY PHOSPHORUS

I


Presidentsdon’t shoot offat the hip withcrass andillegible digitalmessages onplatformscontrolled bytech-bros inSilicon Valley

“

”


S"Informationparadox occurswhen you sendinformation intoa black hole andit cannot beretrieved.

That’s why I sentmy browserhistory past theevent horizonshortly beforemy death."


Above: Teaching an impromptu lecture at theMassachusetts Institute of Technology (2018).


GarooWoop

Above: Poster for the first Woop Garoo short Phos. The Phosphorusfilm became an instant success, but it wasn't long before its star began

to lose the quality that had initially made him famous.


GarooWoop


ReviewsThe Bandis BackTogetherThe group gets downand funky with this latestinstallment in theireclectic discography.

Gorillaz

BY HECTOR IGLESIAS½


Kamasi Washington

Roll Over Dante!

Parquet Courts

The wokest band in all these 50 states.

Fly Me to the MoonThe Tranquility Base Hotel & Casino is the firstof its kind to generate mixed reviews.Arctic Monkeys

Reviews


Eminem

Eminem used his License to Illto Sabotage this Kamikaze ofan album.

! BY JACKIE MONTANTE

Car Seat Headrest

It came from Bandcamp! (Atleast, the original one did)

I

Greta Van FleetAnthemof thePeacefulArmyRepublic Records


Sorry to Bother You

DirectedbyBootsRiley

2001:ASpaceOdyssey

DirectedbyStanleyKubrick

I UNDERSTAND THATpeople absolutely adore thevintage feel of some of therecent movies released thisyear, but I draw the linewhen the aesthetic is adetriment to the film. 2001:A Space Odyssey is not atale Homer would dare pass

down, especially when it isripping off films such asInterstellar and Gravity.This film spews all theobvious clichés at theviewer, from the predictable

evil, sentient AIto that freaky-deaky montageat the end.Geez, theproductionbehind this filmis awful bymodern

standards; it looks like itwas made in the 60’s! WhatI don’t understand, though,is why they called it “re-release” if it just came outthis year?

More Dinos.Hooray.Jurassic Park: FallenKingdom

Directed by J. A. Bayona

TalkiesBy Noah McDaniel

Hi, Who Am I Speaking With?

Houston? We Have a Problem.


GodzillaThe "King of Monsters" on acting, humans,

and ozone emissions.

Stephen Hawking · 2019. 1. 22. · Stephen Hawking Woopster Garou Death Grips Local Band Tupac's...

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