It's Day 5 of the Not-Really-Happening Spider Jerusalem Vetinari Bachelor Challenge!

Three SimSelves are left in the house with our cranky finger-gunning bachelor. So far, we've had no slapping or busted crushes, but how long will our luck hold? Who's out for blood and who's just out?

Read on and to find the answers to these questions and more!

These are the three SimSelves still standing:Kaiyah (Kaiyah/Kaiyah2; Legacy Shmegacy), with a slim eight-point lead over the others.Kendra (riot.fighter/riotgrrl4271; the Punk Legacy) and Styx (StyxLady/lorddaeos; Just Another Legacy) are tied right now.

Kaiyah and Styx have a three-bolt chemistry with Spider Jerusalem, compared to Kendra's two, but Kendra's still in the game despite missing out on hot-tubbing with the bachelor for the last two days; her outgoingness has kept her competitive.

The bachelor: Spider Jerusalem Vetinari, mean finger-gunning Reaper child son of Dualegacy villain Cypress. In the Dualegacy, the plot calls for him to be lonely and tormented, but out here in Pleasantview, he's surrounded by SimSelves vying for his attention, and is obsessed with kissing, oil, and seeing the ghost of Gilbert Jacquet (although this last has been somewhat curtailed, given his brother Cassidy's relationship with the newly-hottified baker).

"Heyhey shrouda, observation post!"

For more Vetinari goodness, check out the Vetinari Dualegacy on DrSupremeNerd's SimPage or the Boolprop.com forums.

The former contestants get treated well here in the Spider Jerusalem Bachelor Challenge.

Gin (GintasticNecat; The Science of a Legacy), eliminated on Day 3, got to introduce Cypress to some flame jets.Michelle (MichelleFobbs/MichaelFobbs; the Planetary Apocalypse), eliminated on Day 2, got to beat the living daylights out of Mr. Big.Orikes (Orikes/orikes360; the Pseudo Legacy), eliminated on Day 1, is engaged to Gen 2 Uglacy heir Larch Vetinari, and is also pregnant with his childrinions.

De (fireflower 314/fireflowersims.livejournal.com; the Morgan and Pierce Legacies), the most recent eliminee, got to introduce the Grilled Cheese Mr. Big to Mr. Rodney's Death Creator.

And then she turned him into a zombie.

So now he's smelly, obsessed with grilled cheese, and his Aspiration meter's lower than Denise Jacquet's bosom.

Good luck trying to get that image out of your head! You're welcome! I'm a giver!

Gilbert: "You really do work out, don't you?"Cassidy: "Shut up and kiss me."SimLoki: Tummy rubs? Kitty was not in the last chapter, and still needs tummy rubs.

Cassidy: "You're not going to start playing Hard To Get, are you?"Gilbert: "Perish the thought."

Wright help me, I think these two are adorable together.

Gilbert: "Who loves ya, baby?"Cassidy: "It better be you."Gilbert: "And don't you know it."

SimLoki: Tummy rubs?Larch: "What in the hell does he want?"SimLoki: Tummy rubs!

SimLoki: Pixellated version of my actual cat. Almost as big an attention whore as the original.Larch: Larch Vetinari, Eeevil Gen 2 Uglacy heir.

"If you pet him, he goes away. Eventually. Sometimes it takes a lot of petting."

SimLoki: Tummy rubs?Larch: "Sorry, beastie. The Pets patch 'fixed' that."SimLoki: No tummy rubs?Larch: "No tummy rubs."SimLoki: MOAR petting.

Stacilee: "Isn't that annoying?"Di: "If we don't look, the impropriety's not really happening."

Stacilee: stacilee/stacierearden, writer of the Whedonberry Alphabet Legacy.Di: Dicreasy, writer of the Victorian Legacy.

SimNerd: "You know, it could be worse."

SimNerd: SimSelf of DrSupremeNerd, writer of the Vetinari Dualegacy, currently replaying part of Gen 4. Me.

Cassidy: "I have no problem with this."Gilbert: "Me either."

Cassidy: Cassidy Vetinari, half-alien son of Dualegacy villain Cypress. Half-brother of the bachelor.Gilbert: Gilbert Jacquet, former Mama's boy, current metrosexual gay baker.

"Hey, I lived in a house with nine other people my senior year in college. There's not enough mental floss in the world to get some of that out of my brain. I can put up with Cass and Gil at the other end of the couch."

Di: "Things are really heating up over at the Bachelor Pad, aren't they? It really is impossible to handicap now!"Stacilee: "What's on the agenda for today?"

Larch: "Kissing!"Stacilee: "Oh, not you too..."Larch: "My fiancee went home, and I'm going through withdrawal."

Stacilee: "Have you ever considered another track for your mind?"Di: "Do you even have to ask? There's a reason you're sitting between him and me."

"Hey, I fill the niche market for hot, Eeevil, neat-freak, finger-gunning, naked hot-tubbing, fight-starting befauxhawked Family Sims. I just wouldn't be me if I weren't obsessed with creating childrinions and Eeevil. Not necessarily in that order."

"Yes, Larch. We are all suitably impressed. But to get back on topic, today's events in the Bachelor Challenge are more hot-tubbing, three Flirts, and a Romantic kiss. Everybody makes it into the hot tub today, so no advantage for speed there, and with all the mutual Crushes, I don't anticipate anyone rejecting the kiss. I think the Flirts will be the most telling. Plus Spider Jerusalem will probably make the 'mean Sim gets to grope' face again, which is always fun to see."

Di: "What are we waiting for?"Stacilee: "I don't know. This is too interesting to sit around here! I say we head over to Spider Jerusalem's house and see what happens!"

Cassidy: "Yeah, you guys go do that. I think we're just gonna... head upstairs and take care of some of this Want Panel Spam."Gilbert: "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"Cassidy: "I really, really hope so, but this time you be Pascal Curious and I'll be PolliTech."

Oh, it's definitely time to kick off Day 5!

Right off the bat, tragedy strikes.

Sorry, Styx.

Spider: "I just couldn't help myself!"Kaiyah: "Did I just hear a 'boioioioioing?' "

And just like that, Day 5 is over before it really begins.

"Do you see this? Do you see the little pink heart with the line through it? And these double-minuses? I am not a happy Styx!"

Kaiyah: "Well, that pretty much clinches today's elimination! Go me and my irresistable puppet skin!"

"Stay calm, Styx. Just clear off the table, take a deep breath, go to your Happy Place...

"...and then run over there and slap him silly."

Spider: "Well, those are new."Kaiyah: "I think they suit you."

Spider: "I wonder what that little dagger thingy is for."Styx: "I want to go slapping, but I'm conflicted because I'm nice! ...The slapping's totally going to win out, though."

Styx: "How dare you flirt with Kaiyah in front of me! Don't you care about my feelings at all?"Spider: "...One nice point..."Kaiyah: "Hehehehe."

Styx: "You hurt my heart, I hurt your face!" *slapslapslapslapslap*Spider: "Hey!"Kaiyah: "Lalala..."

Spider: "I can't smack Gilbert, but I sure as hell can give it back to you!"

BAD Spider Jerusalem! We do not hit SimSelves!

Styx: "Waaaahhhh! I'm not Crushing on Spider Jerusalem anymore and he cheated on me and then I had to slap him because of coding even though I'm nice and then he slapped me back and now I'm going to go home and I don't get to have any Spider Jerusalem babies and I have to stay until noon throwing up flamey thought balloons!"Spider: "You hate to see me leave, but you love to watch me go."

Geez, why does he always cry when he gets slapped? Now I gotta go back to MATY and get that hack so mean Sims don't cry when they get beat up.

Larch never cried.

But then, he never lost a fight and never didn't initiate the slapping either.

Snack time before hot-tubbing.

"Styx is HOT when I'm furious with her for slapping me just because I hugged Kaiyah in front of her!"

Spider Jerusalem is a complicated man.

Kaiyah: "So I tell you, Kendra, it was better than TV! She was all like, 'I'm gonna whine about slapping him but I'm gonna do it anyway!' and then she did it!"Kendra: "Wow, just like pro wrestling, only, you know, not fake!"Styx: "I'm sitting right here, you know."Spider: "Wait... pro wrestling's fake?"

Kendra and Spider: SLOB-OFF

"So, today's kissing, right?"

"Man, I sure hope so!"

Kendra: "So did you ever read Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire?Spider: "It was quite the shock when Cedric died like that."

Spider: "But not as shocking as when Harry's parents came out of Voldemort's wand, you know?"Styx: Waaah! That was the book where Hermione went to the Yule Ball with Victor Krum instead of Ron Weasley, and it was like she cheated on him even though they never dated! Or something like that!

Spider: "And this is the smallest violin in the world playing songs of sympathy..."Styx: Why you gotta go and make me cry, Spider Jerusalem?

Spider: "You're depressing when you cry over me. I don't think I'm Crushing on you anymore."Styx: "WAAAHHHHHH!"

I don't know why it took this long for him to fall out of Crush with her.

Spider: But she is HOT when she's crying about me cheating on her...Styx: Oh, the heartache!

Kendra: "We are so going to be here tomorrow!"Kaiyah: "Why is Styx even still here?"Kendra: "Well, if one of us accidentally catches another autonomous romantic interaction, it'll be another race for second-to-last place!"Kaiyah: "But if that happens, the winner of the whole game is pretty much decided, because there'll be no way for the scores to rebound in time for the end of Day 6!"Kendra: "So I guess I'd better keep you occupied with this pillow fight, shameless hussy!"Kaiyah: "...You are a most worthy opponent."

They're all able to fit into one hot tub today.

Styx: "And I was really looking forward to the chance to kiss you today."Kaiyah: "Playing hardball, I see, Kendra."Kendra: "I certainly hope so."

Kaiyah: "If you want, I'll look you up when this thing's over and tell you how it was."Styx: "No thanks; I'd rather just have the dream."Kendra: "Naked splashies!"Spider: "Where have you been the last two days?"

"Now, the Making Out... Thanks to me, I guess Kendra and I will be here for that too."

"Even talking about the sexy lamp's not going to get me out of this pickle, is it?"

"Depends. How sexy is it?"

"Not nearly sexy enough."

"I dunno. Lamps can be pretty sexy."

"Hey, sexy lamps are my thing, and the next person who brings them up without my permission is dead meat!"

"Is it noon yet?"

"That Kaiyah, she sure is hot! Her hotness has doomed me in this house, and for that, I must acknowledge her superior skills."

Spider: "Why do I get the feeling like Styx wants to see Kaiyah's ghost?"Kendra: "I don't care! I'm naked!"Kaiyah: "Hey, Styx! Splashy splashy!"Styx: "That's great, Kaiyah, just rub it in."

"Are we at the point of kissing yet?"

"Every minute brings us closer!"

"Do you think it will be as wonderful as we've been hoping?"

"As long as Gilbert's not around to shove anyone..."

"Something tells me Gilbert's not going to be fighting with me for any female SimSelves anymore. Which is a pity, because I was really looking forward to dealing out that ass-whupping."

"You could still beat him up if you wanted. You know, instead of me, or whatever."

"Don't be dumb--I can't beat up my brother's boyfriend! Gilbert may be a little too huggy for my taste, but he's not, say, a horribly manipulative, conceited, arrogant pretty-boy trying to keep Cass all to himself. Someone like that I'd have no trouble pounding into the sand if the opportunity arose, but I can put up with Gilbert for Cassidy's sake."

"They are oddly cute together. And you can't deny the three bolts of chemistry with matching turnons."

"And Gilbert is pretty hot in that metrosexual blazer/pink shirt combo. I can totally see why Cassidy's a fan."

"All I have to say is, if Gilbert's just playing games with Cassidy's affection, he's going on the Rusty Fork List."

"Doesn't this hot-tubbing normally occur during the daylight hours?"

Styx: "I dunno, there's something sort of magical about nighttime hot-tubbing."Kaiyah: "I think there's something sort of magical about how I can become Best Friends with Spider Jerusalem when he's talking to you!"

"Sexy lamp?"

"Sexy lamp!"

"DEAD MEAT."

"You know what? I could really go for some breakfast right about now."

Well, seeing as how it's almost daybreak, I send them in for some food.

I decide to sit them all down for a nice brunch before Flirting.

"Styx is hot when she flamey-thought-balloons me!"

OK, so perhaps a "nice" brunch is a bit out of the question at this juncture.

skjrvnrawpofKENDRA! I do not have a hack for that!Kendra: "Who needs a hack when you have ten outgoing points? Shorba ko, you swimsuit-wearing losers!"Spider: "Best. Glitch. EVER."

YOU PUT THAT HEART-FART AWAY RIGHT THIS MINUTE, MISTER!Spider: "But... She's hot when she's naked."Kaiyah: "Tralala, Banned4Lyfe, tralala."

This completely pointless slide has been brought to you by me making Spider Jerusalem clean up the lunch dishes as punishment for him heart-farting poor nakedly glitched Kendra.

We hope you have enjoyed this completely pointless slide.

"...Yeah, but it was sooooo worth it."

Spider kicks off the day's Flirts by flamey-thought-ballooning Styx in front of Kaiyah.

I'm betting the same three Flirts won't be available for Kaiyah and Kendra, and they definitely won't be for Styx. Kaiyah gets Caress, Goose, and Serenade. Serenade was actually available on Day 4, but I was trying to keep the playing field as level as possible. I don't think Kaiyah's going to reject anything he throws at her at this point.

Kaiyah: "You're gonna go for the booty next, aren't you?"Spider: "Uh-huh."

Kaiyah: "You cheeky thing!"Spider: "Isn't that supposed to be my line?"

Spider: "Eeeeeevery rooose has its thooooornJust like eeeeeevery night has its daaaaaawwwwwwnJust like eeeeeevery cooowboy sings his sad saaad songEeeeveryyyy rose has its thorn..."Kaiyah: "You are dead to me, Doc. Do you hear me? DEAD TO ME. You better hope you don't meet me and my rusty fork in any dark alleys. I am gonna have that song stuck in my head for the next three days!"Enjoy your earworm, m'dear.

And then Spider Jerusalem goes in for the much-discussed kiss. I missed the actual lip contact portion of said kiss, because I was a bit distracted...

...by the big giant red heart floating over Spider Jerusalem's head.

It's a one-way Love, but in the direction that counts!

Kaiyah: "For this, I will put up with 80's hair-band power ballads."

Kaiyah: "So, tomorrow I get me some of that?"NO. Well, okay, maybe. If you win, and stuff.

I send Kaiyah off to the poker table and bring Kendra in.

I'm going for Caress and Goose today, and Serenade if it becomes available, Suggestion if it doesn't.

Spider Jerusalem goes in for the Caress. Will she let him touch the upstairs cheek, or will he get denied again? She won't be sent home if she stones him, but she'll have more points to make up on the last day if she rejects any Flirts.

Kendra: "Why didn't I let you do this yesterday?"Spider: "No idea. But don't you wish you had?"Kendra: "Ooooh yeah."

Well, we know she's going to allow the Goose...

...but I didn't anticipate them reaching Best Friend status as Spider Jerusalem does the mean-Sim-groping hand-rub/"Muahahahaha"-face.

I remember when I had Sims with nice points. Now I wonder how I ever survived without my meanies.

Kendra: "I do believe you are pinching my bottom!"Spider: "You got a problem with that?"Kendra: "Nope!"

But even the Grope doesn't make Serenade an option.

Spider: "So whaddaya say? You, me, kissing...?"Kendra: "Well... OKAY!"

And, hey, I even caught the money shot this time!

Mostly because there were no floating red hearts to distract me.

Kendra: "So... tomorrow, then?"AUGH! What is it with all of you and getting me Banned4Lyfe today!

And now for Styx. I'm anticipating three rejected Wolf Whistles...

...but apparently "Be Poked" is the new "Wolf Whistle." Who knew?

"I know what you brought me up here to do, and I'm having none of it, you dirty cheater!"

"When you see Gilbert over at the observation post, give him this and tell him it's from me!"

Yeah, I don't think I need to put poor Styx through the Flirting today.

"Whatever, just pop open my Relationship Panel and assess the damage."

Kaiyah: "I always knew I'd make it this far."Kendra: "Yup, we've been in the top two since Day 1."Kaiyah: "Yeah, but you owe me for getting rid of Styx."Kendra: "I'd have pulled it out."Kaiyah: "The nudity probably helped your case."Kendra: "Never underestimate ten outgoing points."Kaiyah: "I'll miss you when you leave tomorrow."Kendra: "Likewise. Only, you know, with you leaving and me staying."

Kaiyah has a score of 176, she's best friends with Spider Jerusalem, they have three bolts, and he's in love with her. Kendra has a score of 162, she's best friends with Spider Jerusalem, they have two bolts, and they're still just crushing on each other.

"I guess I shouldn't have slapped him, huh?"

Yeah, this was pretty much a foregone conclusion since before the hot-tubbing. Once she caught that Leap Into Arms, the writing was very much on the wall. Sorry, Styx, I really did try to make it through this whole thing without anyone catching Spider Jerusalem doing those romantic interactions with anyone else.

Spider Jerusalem's Lifetime Relationship is actually -6 with Styx right now, bringing her score down to 31.

"Sorry, Styx. Spider Jerusalem was playing darts and Kaiyah was shooting pool, and they got in each other's way, which bumped those actions out of their respective queues, and Spider Jerusalem just went for it before I could do anything. By the time I realized what he was going to do and what was going to happen, it was too late to cancel it. I totally didn't mean for it to happen. Stupid framming autonomy."

"Tell me about it. And I'm so nice, I didn't even want to slap him!"

Stacilee: "Hey, catching someone cheating is pretty much a staple of Bachelor Challenges. Once the Crushes start, those brief moments of autonomy can really mix things up."Cassidy: "You should just be lucky Spider settled for slapping you back and poking you back! He's totally capable of throwing down!"Di: "Oh, I doubt Spider Jerusalem would attack a SimSelf."Cassidy: "I doubt he'd even consider that he maybe shouldn't do it."

Larch: "So, Styx, you're a brown-haired, makeup-wearing Family SimSelf, I'm a hot Eeevil Legacy Sim who hot-tubs naked... Whaddaya say you and me make some sweet sweet childrinions?"

Styx: "No."Larch: "Are you sure? Take a look at this face! I could make some beautiful childrinions."Styx: "I'm pretty sure. And I'm definitely not going to horn in on Orikes's territory."

SimNerd: "Larch? You have to stop begging for childrinions. Orikes is already pregnant, and I'll get you guys hitched during the epilogue."Larch: "But I want childrinions nooowwwwww!"SimNerd: "Stop bugging my SimSelves. I mean it. You will have your wedding, you will have your childrinions, maybe I'll even let you beat somebody up."Larch: "Promise?"SimNerd: "Promise."

"Can I just slink off to my consolation prize now? I may not get Spider Jerusalem babies, but I get something, right?"

"Oh, we're all agreed that Doc is quite generous with her consolation prizes. I'm sure it'll be just what you need to get over the crushing disappointment."

"I'm not so sure that speaking of crushing disappointment was helpful, Di. But I'm hooking Styx up, no worries there."

DIRTY CHEATER HATE.

Go inside, Styx. That'll cheer you up."What could possibly cheer me up?"

Styx: "Well, helllloooooo..."Wren: "Hi."

Wren Vetinari, Gen 4 Prettacy spare. Still a finger-gunner, but oddly nice for a Vetinari. Is also possessed of the steadily-gaining-in-infamy Stabby Death Nose.

Wren: "So now I'm standing in the sofa because of boolprop allow45degreeangleofrotation true, and I can't feel my legs from the knees down."Styx: "Do tell."Wren: "Uh... That's all there is, really."Styx: "Go on."

Styx? You and all your nice points are kinda freaking me out with the smile and the weird hand steeple thing. Mean Sims don't do that, and, well, even 8-nice-point Billy doesn't do the creepy grin.

Styx: "I don't care what anyone says, Stabby Death Nose is awesomely handsome on you."Wren: "You think so?"Styx: "Uh-huh. It's so... Stabby..."

Happy now, Styx?"Mmmph."I think I'll take that as a yes.

Styx: You know, Kendra and Kaiyah haven't done this with anyone yet. Win for Styx!Wren: She's touching the booty. That is the awesomest thing ever.

Styx: Big red hearts are the best!

Wren: If that's a big red heart, I know what's coming next.

Wren: "How many Aspiration points are you getting for this?"Styx: "Lots."Wren: "So you wanna..."Styx: "Hey, Doc? GO AWAY NOW."Righty-ho.

Styx: "You just HAD to get a shot of the purple hearts, didn't you?"Wren: "Face it, it's either this or underwear."Styx: "Good point."Well, if you're going to be like that, I won't mention the lullabye I just heard...

Cass: "Spider, listen, I know Gilbert's not your favorite person..."Spider: "Understatement of the year."Cass: "Well, he's kind of my favorite person."Spider: "So I've gathered."Cass: "Look, you're my brother and I love you. And he's my boyfriend and I love him, and he loves me. I'm not asking you to braid each other's hair and talk about boys or anything, but maybe you could bury the hatchet. But not, like, in each other's skulls."

"Cass, for you, I'll make nice."

"I'm glad. You're both important to me, and I'd hate to have to referee the two of you."

Spider: "So... You and my brother..."Gilbert: "Seems that way. He really is amazing."Spider: "On that, we agree, although, I suspect, in completely different ways."Gilbert: "Cassidy sent you over here to square things, didn't he?"Spider: "Yup."Gilbert: "Well, we'd both do anything for him, wouldn't we?"Spider: "Uh-huh."Gilbert: "I guess there's only one thing to do."

"If you hurt my brother, I will rip your head off and shit down your neck."

"What an amusing metaphor."

"That wasn't a metaphor."

"Ah-hah. Good thing I have no plans to hurt Cassidy, then."

"Next time, Day 6! The big finale! Will Kendra catch up to Kaiyah? Will Kaiyah continue to dominate? Will another ill-timed romantic interaction doom one of the contestants? Who gets Spider Jerusalem, and who gets the last of the consolation prizes?

"Blah, I don't care anymore! When do I get to have my wedding? And when do I get my childrinions? I AM EEEVIL AND I WANT SOME CHILDRINIONS!

"I am tired of being your cheap eye candy, dammit!"

Gilbert: "Cass? Is it physically possible to tear off someone's head?"Cass: "I don't know. Why do you ask?"Gilbert: "Oh... No reason..."