The Epilogue of the Completely Hypothetical Spider Jerusalem Vetinari Bachelor Challenge!

The winner has been crowned, but that doesn't mean it's over!

For more Vetinari goodness, check out the Vetinari Dualegacy on DrSupremeNerd's SimPage or the Boolprop.com forums.

"Ohmigaw! It's the epilogue to the Completely Hypothetical Spider Jerusalem Vetinari Bachelor Challenge! This is where we finally get everyone married and get a look at all of the assorted spawn! Whee!

"But first--massively crazy SimSelf bash at the observation post! With a few choice menfolk around to raise the party score! Embarrassingly short outfits! Glam makeup! Amusing Smustle faces! It just wouldn't be a SimSelf party without those, would it?"

These two will raise a party score all on their own... Guaranteed.

These two fall in Crush all on their own. Completely unintended and unexpected. Apparently Stacilee's SimSelf feels the same way about Cory as the real Stacilee!

Cass goes to DJ and kicks the party into high gear!

"I like big butts and I cannot lieYou other brothers can't denyThat when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waistAnd a round thing in your faceYou get sprung..."

Di: "I say, this frock is quite revealing. I'm not sure my Victorians would approve."SimNerd: "Mmm-hmmm."Di: "Are you even listening?"SimNerd: "Sorry. I feel like somewhere close there's... Sir Mix-A-Lot..."

Stacilee: "I didn't know there was such a thing as 'Baby Got Back'-dar."SimNerd: "It's a rare gift. I gotta go."

"WHOOOOO! The booty is fierce, people! WHOOOOOO!"

I have never actually done this.

As far as any of you know, I have never actually done this.

"WHAT HAPPENS ON BOURBON STREET STAYS ON BOURBON STREET, BABY!"

"So fellas! (Yeah!) Fellas! (Yeah!)Has your girlfriend got the butt? (Hell yeah!)Tell 'em to shake it! (Shake it!) Shake it! (Shake it!)Shake that healthy butt!Baby got back!"

Kendra: " 'Baby Got Back?' Really?"Stacilee: "Yeah, apparently there's a 'dar for that."Kendra: "Something tells me 'juice' is involved."Stacilee: "Isn't it usually?"

Well, there's a bit of Smustle confusion, but that's only to be expected. And just who's who in this wacky cast of characters?

Larch Vetinari, Gen 2 Uglacy heir. His Eeevilness was unexpected but ultimately not unwelcome, and somehow he made being an Eeevil Family Sim work. He's engaged to one of the ousted contestants, and wants a wedding and some childrinions.

"Word to your mother."

Cormorant "Cory" Vetinari, Gen 4 Uglacy heir. He's the last of my serious Pleasure Sims, and was here mostly for a cheap visual joke, and now he and Stacilee are crushing on each other. Fun!

"She thinks I'm hot like Adrien Brody."

Cassidy Vetinari, half-alien son of Dualegacy villain Cypress. He's also the half-brother of Spider Jerusalem, and in Riverblossom Hills, he pretty much single-handedly raised his little brother. Out here in Pleasantview, he's a goofy Pleasure Sim, with zero trauma in his life.

"Wooo! Aspiration points for DJing!"

Gilbert Jacquet, Cassidy's boyfriend. He's ditched the polo shirt and the blonde eyebrows, and he and Cass mostly can't keep their hands off each other. They're crazy-cute together.

"I love my boyfriend! Nobody tear my head off!"

And as for the chicas?

SimNerd, SimSelf of DrSupremeNerd. That'd be me; try to keep up, won't you? Nerdy, laconic, frequently snarky creator of the Vetinaris and their Dualegacy.

"Wooo! I dance like a white girl from the Midwest! Wooooooo!"

Stacilee, SimSelf of stacilee/stacierearden, writer of the Whedonberry Alphabet Legacy. Currently crushing on Cory. Lover of sci-fi and fantasy television.

"This is just like being in 'Once More With Feeling!' "

Di, SimSelf of Dicreasy, writer of the Victorian Legacy. She's spent the last few days trying to avoid Larch and his two bolts of stalkery goodness.

"Perhaps there's something to be said for all this technology after all; the dancing is quite amusing, though I should endeavour to learn the steps."

Orikes, SimSelf of Orikes/orikes360, writer of the Pseudo Legacy. She was ousted from the challenge on the first day, but she got engaged to Larch and is pregnant with his childrinions.

"Yay! Pleasure Sim loves parties! Which way to the juice? ...Seriously, I have a mad OJ craving."

Michelle, SimSelf of MichelleFobbs/MichaelFobbs, writer of the Planetary Apocalypse. She's another fan of sci-fi, and her Isaac and Orson are just as awesome as mine. The second eliminee, she got to beat the tar out of Mr. Big aka Jerky Jake (post-Grilled Cheese-ing), and currently has the Want to turn him into a zombie. I guess she missed the memo.

"Oh, I got the memo! I just want to beat him up again!"

Gin, SimSelf of GintasticNecat, writer of The Science of a Legacy. She left the Bachelor Challenge on Day 3. A fellow science nerd, she names her characters Latin names of various species, and has been known to use the word "shrew" as an adjective. Hooray nerds!

"This party is totally shrew!"

De, SimSelf of fireflower314/fireflowersims.livejournal.com, writer of the Morgan and Pierce Legacies. She was eliminated on Day 4, and got to drop a satellite on Jerky Jake and turn him into a zombie, in between which she got her groove on.

"It was almost better than babies! But nothing's better than babies."

Styx, SimSelf of StyxLady/lorddaeos, writer of Just Another Legacy. Her end in the BC came in the form of catching Spider Jerusalem cheating after the Crushes had flown, and she managed to turn Poke into a flirt. It wasn't all bad, though; she's engaged to Wren, and has already run to the bathroom once to barf because of the pregnancy.

"I love Stabby Death Nose!"

Kendra, SimSelf of riot.fighter/riotgrrl4271, writer of the Punk Legacy. She led the first two days of the BC, but placed second, despite her naked hot-tubbing. As a consolation prize, she got to kill Jerky Jake and reverse-rez him. The worst punishment for any Mr. Big is ten nice points.

"I just wish I coulda done an Ozzy and bitten his head off!"

Kaiyah, SimSelf of Kaiyah/Kaiyah2, writer of Legacy Shmegacy. She's the winner of the BC, and has the spider dress to prove it. With the three bolts of chemistry she had with Spider Jerusalem, there was no need for her to resort to chemical warfare, but she did it anyway...

"I got Spider Jerusalem WooHoo!"

Smustle!

More Smustle!

Larch: "I want a wedding."Orikes: "I want a party."Larch: "So it's really a win-win, then?"

Cass and Gil do their part to boost the party score. Styx is still a little bitter about the cheating, though.

Roof Raiser, baby!

Larch: "You gonna give me a wedding now, or am I gonna have to make you regret not getting rid of Rodney's Death Creator?"SimNerd: "You're first on my list, Larch. I'm trying to get the wedding party in before Orikes's belly pops. Because the custom gowns are sooo much more fabulous than the default maternity dresses."

Larch: "Aaawwww... you dragged everybody out for my little shindig."Orikes: "Except for Spider Jerusalem, because you know there's gonna be slapping if he shows up to any of these."Larch: "An excellent point, my sweet."

"So, whaddaya say? You, me, childrinions? You give me some teeny little minions, and I'll happily do all the skill-teaching, and the cooking, and the cleaning because I'm a neat-freak, and you can jump on the couch and take bubble baths and sit around in your pajamas all day."

"You know, that sounds pretty perfect. And having kids means people to play with and talk to, so it's just fantastic all the way around! Plus, you're kinda hot."

And the obligatory wedding kiss shot.

Yes indeedy, there was quite the turnout. Di, De, Cassidy, Blonde Komeiclone, Styx, Gilbert...

...more Blonde Komeiclone, Michelle, Gin, Kendra, SimNerd, Stacilee, and Kaiyah.

Stacilee and Kaiyah did not bother to twirl into their gowns. What gives? Gin's rocking the Marilyn over there, and you're in jeans and your everyday dress!

The party was a Roof-Raiser, Blonde Komeiclone and Meadow Thayer and SimSelves who refuse to wear their pretty dresses notwithstanding.

Orikes: "Cheesecake, huh?"Larch: "Bonus childrinion!"Orikes: "All I can say is, thank Wright for maxmotives."Larch: "Feh. I did twins WITHOUT maxmotives and it didn't kill me."

Orikes: "Hey! I've got a belly over here!"Larch: "Well, the bathroom's all nice and shiny clean if you want a bubble bath."Orikes: "Sweet."

Seriously, Orikes takes two or three bubble baths a day.

Larch: "Hello, little childrinions! Be nice and Eeevil for Daddy!"Orikes: "They could be nice, you know."Larch: "Aaaww, you know I'm just kidding. I loved my nice grandchildrinion just as much as the mean one. I love my childrinions whether they're, you know, minion-y or not."Orikes: "I know. I've seen you with your kids."Larch: "What can I say? I may be Eeevil, but I'm a Family Sim."Orikes: "I've also seen you with Spider Jerusalem."Larch: "Uh... I feel the sudden urge to kiss you!"

Larch went and did this autonomously, which surprised me no end. Through judicious use of the RenuYu Orb, I've gotten Larch and Orikes all the way up to neutral chemistry, so I very much didn't expect him to do things like this on his own. But there he goes, Romantically kissing his wife without being told.

Larch Vetinari--full of surprises.

Orikes: "Larch! Babies!"Larch: "Yeah yeah yeah, twirl and catch already! Childrinions now!"Orikes: "A little sympathy would be useful at this juncture."Larch: "Uh... I'm here to be shocked and stand around like a statue. Sim men don't really do 'useful' during the birthing process."

Orikes: "Here's the first one. Hang on a sec and I'll twirl out the other."Larch: "CHILDRINIONS!"

Yup, childrinion #1 is a brown-haired, brown-eyed boy.

And childrinion #2 is a brown-haired, blue-eyed boy.

In keeping with the theme of Larch's kids being named after flowers, I've decided to call these two Nasturtium and Daffodil.

Hahaha no. Larch's twin is Reed; Orikes's is Basil. And that's the British pronunciation of Basil, with the short a and the hard s (Baz-ul), as opposed to the American Basil, with the long a and soft s (Bay-sil), because it sounds cooler. And, OK, not technically flowers, but who's going to quibble over details?

Since I can cheat here, time to grow the useless babies up into toddlers!

Interesting-looking, but not nearly as weird as Zee and Finn. I think he'll be cute. I do believe that is the Vetinari jaw!

Reed's a Scorpio 10/9/9/1/6. So, same Zodiac as Finn, but neater, more outgoing and active, more serious, and a heck of a lot nicer.

"I wanted a minion. Six nice points is not a minion."

Those are some monster cheeks on that kid. And possibly the Vetinari jaw as well.

Baz is definitely a Vetinari, though: Aries 10/10/4/3/1--exact same personality as Zee, if I remember correctly.

"He's my little minion!"Yes, Baz is Daddy's Little Minion. So, I had to do it...

Baz gets a fauxhawk just like Daddy's!

Seriously, how adorable are they?

And now for some power Want-fulfilling for Larch and the toddlers!

Larch: "Can you say 'Eeevil,' Baz?"Baz: "Eeevil!"Larch: "Who's my little minion?"Baz: "Me!"

Reed's a little bit of a tougher nut to crack.

Larch: "Can you say 'minion,' Reed?"Reed: "NO MINION!"Larch: "Slightly minion?"Reed: "No."

Reed: "Sunshine!"Orikes: "I like sunny days too! Sunny days and bubble baths!"Reed: "Sunshine and kitties!"Orikes: "I'd like a kitty too!"

Baz: "I'm like Godzilla! Squish squish squish RAWR!"Larch: "That's my little minion!"

Orikes does spend quite a bit of time with her kids. Even grouchy little Basil loves his mommy.

But now that the toddler skills are all learned, there's no point in them being wee anymore, so time to bust out the Sim Modder and grow them up!

"I'm still cute!"

It's like looking at Larch and Cypress if they had brown hair. He's totally going to grow into those features.

"I'm still Eeevil!"

But cute too. Cute and Eeevil, just like his daddy.

Time to move on to Styx and Wren!

Styx: "Hiiiiii! Hi hi hi! Hola! That's 'hi' in Spanish!"Wren: "...I love you, but you have too many nice points."

"So, I love you, and you have lots of friends to introduce me to for the Aspiration boosts, and you don't seem to mind me throwing lots of parties, and you're cute and I'm into the baby thing. We're totally having a great party, and it's all because we're getting married!"

"I love you and your Stabby Death Nose, and you can make friends with as many SimSelves as you like, as long as you don't roll up any cheaty-Wants, and also as long as we have some gorgeous babies. ...We are going to have gorgeous babies, right?""Depends on your feelings about Stabby Death Nose.""Gorgeous babies!"

Obligatory wedding kiss shot! They are officially Mr. and Mrs. Stabby Death Nose!

No, I didn't really do that.

Gin turns out to be our formal-wear shunner this time around, and Gypsy Matchmaker is our party crasher.

Larch: "It seems like practically yesterday that we were doing this, honey."Orikes: "It was practically yesterday."Larch: "Pretty, and smart too."Orikes: "Flattery will get you everywhere."Kaiyah: "I'm totally next!"

Gilbert: "Such a lovely ceremony."Cass: "Uh... Do you think you and I should... You know..."Gilbert: "Jump under one of those arches ourselves? Heheheno. Romance Sim, remember?"Cass: "Yeah, me either. You wanna go raise the party score?"Gilbert: "Yes. Yes I do."

Wren's a cake-shover! It must be random, because Larch didn't do it, and the only thing Wren is more of than Larch is nice.

Styx doesn't seem to mind."If only it were CHEESEcake!"

Gilbert: "Cassidy, you are hot!"Larch: "Spider Jerusalem's not here, Gilbert. He can't see you not heart-farting anyone else."Gilbert: "And I'm not heart-farting anyone else, because that would be wrong and hurtful and I would never ever do that!"Cassidy: "It's not like I mind being heart-farted by my boyfriend, honestly."Gilbert: "You wanna go raise the party score?"Cassidy: "Yeah, okay."

Styx: "Roof Raiser! Race you to the limo, Wren!"

Wren: "I threw a Roof Raiser! I've just had a day full of Aspiration points! Time for a honeymoon!"

"Babies! Soon!"

Wren has a tendency to follow her around and flirt with her. It's kind of cute.

Wren: "So what do you think we should do in the nursery?"Styx: "Don't talk to me while I'm snarfing down cheesecake!"Wren: "Okay then."

Styx: "Yoohoo? Babies now!"Wren: "Yessss!"

Yup, Wren actually rolled the Have a Baby Want. Wren kind of rules.

Styx: "Baby!"Wren: "How long until we can be best friends?"

Baby the first is a black-haired boy with Styx's custom eyes and skintone. I'll be using the name theme for Gen 5 of the Dualegacy--when I get there. Of course, Wren's kids wouldn't be under that restriction, but, whatever! This little Wren/Styx spawn is Jordan.

Baby the second is a brown-haired boy with Styx's custom eyes and skin. His name is Cameroon.

Again, babies are boring, plus there's only one way to tell if the spawn have inherited Wren's most lethal feature, so it's growing-up time!

He definitely looks more like Styx than like Wren. He's got her mouth and chin as well as her eyes and skin. But I'm not used to the skin, and I can't tell if that's the custom-skin version of Stabby Death Nose!

Cam's a Pisces 5/3/10/7/9. Great; he and Styx can have conversations and smile creepily at each other. I try to get Wren to grow Jordan up, but he decided he'd rather pee instead, so I got Styx to do the honors.

It looks like Jordan's got Wren's mouth, and the same nose as Cam. But I still can't tell if it's Stabby Death Nose with Styx's skin, or the male version of Styx's nose!

Jordan's an Aries 5/8/5/3/5--pretty similar in personality to my Founders and his great-grandma Juniper. Finger-guns, but no creepy smiles.

Cam: "Mommy!"Styx: "Yaaaay!"Cam: "Cweepy smile?"Styx: "Creepy smile!"

Styx: "Come on, Cam! One foot in front of the other!"Cam: "Cweepy smile!"

Wren: "Can you say 'Daddy,' Jordan?"Jordan: "..."Wren: " 'Daddy?' "Jordan: "..."Wren: " 'Dada?' "Jordan: "..."Wren: " 'Stabby Death Nose?' "Jordan: "Stabby Def Nose!"

Styx: "Jordan, you can do it!"Jordan: "Stabby Def Nose!"Styx: "There is nothing wrong with Stabby Death Nose!"

OK, this kid is a cutie. He's freaking adorable. And it's killing me that I can't tell if that's Stabby Death Nose or not!

Jordan's also a cutie, but takes after Wren more than Styx. Ditto about the nose.

Maybe I'll be able to tell when I grow them up again. Time to kiddify the toddlers!

Cam--I still can't tell about the nose!

Jordan--it looks like Stabby Death Nose, but I don't know what the male version of Styx's nose looks like! Argh!

Eh, anyway, time to get to the wedding you've all been waiting for. Or, at least, the wedding that Kaiyah's been waiting for.

This completely pointless slide brought to you by the lullabye.

We hope you have enjoyed this completely pointless slide.

Oh yes, and I haven't introduced him yet. Spider Jerusalem Vetinari, the bachelor, Reaper son of Cypress Vetinari, villain of the Dualegacy. Er, Cypress is the villain, that is. Not Spider Jerusalem.

Spider: "This is the same suit Uncle Larch has. Awkward!"Kaiyah: "I get the tiara, because I won! That is me! I am the winner! And I get the tiara!"

Kaiyah: "When I was put in that house, I knew it was destiny! We would one day be together! Just you and me and my rusty fork!"Spider: "Uh... That guy you wanted to stick with a rusty fork? He's kinda dead and I kinda kicked his tombstone."Kaiyah: "You see? We were meant to be!"

"Well, you're a hot Knowledge Sim and I'm a hot Knowledge Sim, and I'm mean and you have a rusty fork obsession, so I'm absolutely in love with you and want you to have my childrinions."

"I'm cool and you're hot, and we're perfect together, and now that we're married, we can do that three-bolty stalking thing, and if anyone tries to stop us, it's BAM rusty fork! Oh, and I love you too."

Obligatory wedding kiss shot!

Everybody managed to make it into formal wear this time around, except for Baz and Reed.

Some people had to be excluded from the ceremony for reasons of slapping, so, sorry, Kendra, De, and Styx. This will be a wedding free of physical violence!

Stacilee, Gin, and Orikes: "Gilbert's a Romance Sim!"Cassidy: "And he's MY Romance Sim, so hands off!"

Spider Jerusalem's a cake-shover! Big surprise there.

Oh yeah, party-crasher Morty's REALLY missing Bella.Orikes: "Eeeww. Creepy old man heart-fart."Di: "This is most disturbing."Cory: "Tell me about it--I'm the one crushing on Stacilee, and this old goat's gotta go and ruin the fantasy!"

Gilbert: "Where's Spider Jerusalem? Look! I'm heart-farting Cassidy! He's right there, and I'm heart-farting him! See him? See me heart-fart him? I love my boyfriend!"Cassidy: "So... Party score?"Gilbert: "Like I'm gonna say no at this wedding!"

It's another Roof-Raiser, and Spider Jerusalem and Kaiyah head off to their limo.

CHEESECAKE SLOB-OFF

Kaiyah somehow manages to get the maternity clothes that match her headband. Freaky coincidence!

Spider: "Hello potentially mean fetuses!"Kaiyah: "Yeah, that's weird. Don't say that again."Spider: "Okeydoke."

Kaiyah: "You're hoping for some childrinions, aren't you?"Spider: "Just think of it--an army of mean Sims wielding rusty forks..."Kaiyah: "The perfect world..."

They then proceeded to congratulate on each other for being hot for the next hour and tell each other dirty jokes.

"Spider Jerusalem, get your well-formed butt over here now!"

"But I have meat-hands! I can't touch a baby with meat-hands!"

Spider: "All right, all right, drop the baby into my germy, disgusting mitts."Kaiyah: "Gimme a second over here!"

Alpha baby is a boy with Kaiyah's skintone and Spider Jerusalem's eyes and hair.

Beta baby is a girl with the same coloring as her brother.

And again, immediate baby growing up-ness.

This is Mitch, named after Spider Jerusalem's editor in Transmetropolitan.

Mitch is... different... Sorta like his features are too big for his head.

He's a Gemini, and a Vetinari! 5/9/9/5/1.

Spider Jerusalem throws childrinions!

This is Channon, named after Spider Jerusalem's bodyguard in Transmet.

Now, Channon looks like a little doll, and not just because of the puppet-skin. She's quite pretty.

And also a Vetinari! Gemini 5/9/10/10/1. Mean, but playful! A lethal combination.

Since we have two Knowledge Sims in the house, it's toddler training, no waiting!

Spider: "I appear to have reached a stalemate."Kaiyah: "Me too."Spider: "They're stubborn when they're mean."Kaiyah: "Imagine how poor Cassidy must have felt!"Spider: "You know, sometimes you don't make any sense at all. But I still love you!"

They do simul-walking too.

Afterwards, Spider Jerusalem went to pee because he didn't want to do any potty-training and Kaiyah wanted to potty-train them both. So while Kaiyah was potty-training Mitch, Chan wandered outside, which doesn't happen in Riverblossom because all my houses are built on foundations...

Come on, how freaking adorable is this? Chan's trying to catch fireflies! SO ADORABLE! If you don't think this is adorable, you need to have an adorability transplant, stat.

Sadly, the adorableness is short-lived as Kaiyah potty-trains Chan and I grow up the toddlers.

Mitch is... yeah... Too much face, not enough head.

Channon still looks like a little doll! I think her features are similar to Mitch's, but they're softer because she's a girl.

One shot of kiddie-hugging before I grow them up one more time! Because, really, don't you want to know?

Looks like Mitch has Kaiyah's nose and Chan has Spider Jerusalem's.

Hah! Perfect synchrony!

Channon? Still cute!

Mitch? Grew into his face!

And a shot of all of them together.

Now on to grow up the next batch of spawn!

Is it? Isn't it? I can't tell! I think it is, but how often am I wrong about these things? I must know! Grow up already, kids!

Cam? Still a cutie!

Jordan still doesn't do the creepy smile!

To satisfy my curiosity...

...yes...

...and yes!

Oh, Stabby Death Nose. What do I have to do to get rid of you?

Family shot!

One batch left...

Baz: "Let's get one thing straight--I'm hugging you. You try to hug me, we're gonna have a problem."Reed: "You wanna come cheat me at chess now?"Baz: "Yeah, all right."

I grow them up instead.

Reed definitely has the Vetinari features. And the nose! I love the Vetinari nose. Of course, the alternative seems to be Stabby Death Nose, so really, no wonder there.

Baz has the Vetinari nose and jaw too, but not the cheeks or cheekbones.

Baz: "So, Dad, wanna start teaching me some of that Eeevil?"Larch: "You're my favoritest minion ever."Baz: "Yeah, because I'm not all obsessed with hearts of any color."Larch: "Hey, they did all right. You talk smack about my other childrinions, and there's gonna be trouble!"Baz: " 'Kay. Can I grow a goatee?"Larch: "You can try, son. You can try."

Last family shot!

"So, yeah, that's it for the Spider Jerusalem BC. Hope you enjoyed it!

"Given the glitchiness of my backup, the safest thing to do is probably nuke Riverblossom Hills and start from scratch. So, blah. And, what with the moving close to 3000 miles shortly, it might be a while before I update. But don't worry, I'm not throwing in the towel! There will be more non-hypothetical Vetinari goodness in the future. Just, you know, more distant than any of us would really like.

"It is what it is, right? Catch ya on the flip side!"

Tummy rubs? Kitty is deprived! Kitty needs tummy rubs!