Living Life on Life's Terms by Jason Firmani
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Transcript of Living Life on Life's Terms by Jason Firmani
1
Living life
On
Life’s terms
(A voice of addiction)
By
Jason Firmani
2
I met a lady one night
Not being me I came across, not right
But of that night inspiration came
To write this book to explain
For I am an addict, one of pride
Clean and sober, from the world I don’t hide
Jason
I’m battling to sleep, my head in a spin
A book to write, so others can win
My gift to you, all part in creation
For those who seek addiction salvation
Jason
This book dedicated to
To my beautiful daughter Jayde for teaching me the true meaning of
unconditional love
To my family- Cheryl (mom), Albie (dad), Jodie (sister), Viv (brother-
in-law) and Daniella (niece) for all their love and support through
trying times
To my friends for putting up with my moods
To all who have walked with me in my recovery
To Ross for believing in me in a somewhat unorthodox way and for
accepting me for who and what I am. Thanks for being you. To our
past, present and future together
To Robin, Cathy Lee, Melanie and Leon for proof reading from an
objective point of view and to Bunny and Fudgie for lessons taught
3
Contents
Part 1: Understanding
Chapter 1. Jason, page 4
Chapter 2. The drugs, page 11
Chapter 3. Addiction, page 16
Chapter 4. The addict, page 22
Part 2: Recovery
Chapter 5. Approach, page 29
Chapter 6. The tools, page 40
Chapter 7. My recovery , page 46
Chapter 8. You, page 62
4
Chapter 1
Jason
One’s worst day in recovery is better than one’s best high in active addiction!!!
Surprised? Yes? Then let me explain.
Hi! My name is Jason and I’m a recovering drug addict.
The reason why I say recovering drug addict, besides from it being the truth, is that i’m
recovering my life, my sense of purpose, all that I am in discovering myself again. I lost
it all to this dreaded disease of drug addiction. Material possessions can be replaced. I
can’t! I’m not a nobody or just a somebody. No. I am Jason Firmani. We are all special,
every single one of us (including you).
So lets go back to the opening line. One’s best high is that first hit or first pill or first sniff
etc (you get the picture), well it never comes back. So how come some people try it once
and never again, some say it did nothing for them and for the majority of us we always
say that we’ll stop tomorrow? For some, tomorrow never comes due to an overdose. I
have lost good friends through o/d, because of there addiction. So what is it? Addiction is
not the drugs or booze or money. No. Addiction is the nature of the addict, not the
person, two very distinct personalities in one human being, as I’ll explain in this book.
Now for one’s worst day in recovery. When nothing seems to be going right, you feeling
down and asking yourself is this really worth it? Why me? I have no life, etc? By now in
active addiction we would’ve got loaded, but all we are doing is delaying our growth
stages of recovery. When we have these feelings of doubt and no self worth, while we
ride this emotional roller-coaster, actually what we are experiencing is life and all its ups
and downs. Life is not easy, yet it is simple. So why do we complicate it more? Recovery
teaches and equips us with the abilities and tools to live life on life’s terms, so when we
are having bad days all that it is teaching us, is to address the situation or problem,
identify the emotion or feeling and deal with it as normal people would. I use the word
normal loosely, as I have met normal people who are even more messed up in the head as
what addicts are. So from
Now on I’ll refer to non-addicts as straight people and us addicts, well, we’ll just be
ourselves. My own definition of normality is one’s own perception of what one would
deem as acceptable or permissable.
A quick story as to why I’m writing this book came about when i was six months into
recovery, when my hairdresser set me up on a blind date. I was pretty excited by this as
this is what recovery is all about, living and enjoying life without the use of drugs and
having new experiences and most importantly, having fun, while living clean. Any way i
arrive at our rendevoux point and we introduce ourselves and get chatting. I order her a
glass of wine and a soft drink for me. This surprised her a bit (I know why I can’t drink),
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so, first dilema: how do I explain the reason why I can’t drink? During active addiction
my pancreas started playing silly buggers, which gave me the perfect out (or so I
thought). I told her I was a diabetic, end of that. No. She proceeds to tell me her friend’s
diabetic and they usually enjoy a few glasses of wine together.
My quick come back still doesn’t get me out of this one as I tell her that her mate
probably is on insulin or some form of medication, but I control mine by diet (take that! I
say to myself). She asks if I have ever drunk? If so, what did I drink? I say I used to enjoy
a beer or scotch. Then I get told that it is okay for me to drink these (clever girl this), we
harped on this for a while still, then she realised no was no and our conversation took its
course on many topics. The end of the evening came and we went our seperate ways,
agreeing to see each other again, which never materialised. It came out later via my
hairdresser that my blind date thought I was a nerd. I am deffinately no nerd and may as
well throw no angel in with this too. So the messages I wish to portray in this book is
firstly to help the addict to realise themselves- that recovery is possible. Secondly to help
the straight person to better understand the addict, so when someone says to you that they
are an addict, you wont label us and think lesser of us. We are not gutter junkies which
most people think we are. Thirdly is that we are not looking for sympathy. Only a fair
chance in society to pay our debts, not just to you, but ourselves too. Fourthly, please
don’t treat us any differantly as you would any body else.
Some background info into my life and up bringing, I was born on october 16th
1968 into
a middle class family in Johannesburg. Being my dad, Albie and my mom, Cheryl and
my sister, Jodie. While growing up I was spoilt as I wanted for nothing and had a lot of
opportunities to experience things and do things with a bright future that awaited me in
adulthood. I never really had any hang ups, I adjusted and adapted well to any situation I
was in and got on well with just about everybody. I had
Good friends, alot of whom I am still in contact with today. I guess I grew up a happy
child (a little over weight but I learnt how to remedy that later on), my parents were a
little over protective but they eased off as I grew older. I spent a lot of time as youngster
with my grandmother while my parents were at work and all through primary school
Life in primary school was a breeze for I was a pretty bright lad who listened well in
class. I was not the studious type as I’ve always had a good memory (I thank God today
that active addiction did not destroy it, I knew the dangers of addiction and the mind and
memory are attacked badly, I always had my nose in crosswords to stimulate and exercise
my brain while in active addiction). I could never understand why my class mates took
the allocated time period to complete there assignments or projects when it could be done
in one afternoon and homework could also be known as, before the schoolday starts
schoolwork, why waste a good afternoon of doing nothing or getting upto mischief.
School is school and hometime is hometime. My sister was the exact opposite who
always did her homework and studied for tests and exams, believe me she is a bright and
intelligent girl in her own right who also had the same opportunities and up bringing as
me, yet she is an addict to, so where’s the connection? Brings me back to saying that
6
addiction is by nature and not that, to which we are addicted. To which we are addicted to
serves us merely as a crutch.
Moving onto high school life is the same, parents are less protective by allowing us to be
on our own in the afternoons to instill in us responsible behaviour. Passed standard six
much the same way I did primary school but now I was becoming to realise I was
different to the other scholars and not knowing how to express it, it was just sense of
knowing.
I always made myself fit in, the clever studious kids were always ridiculed (never show
your true talents or abilities to escape been taken advantage of-bad philosophy), I wanted
to be liked, which wasn’t that difficult as I had a sharp sense of humour and enjoyed
making people laugh, and I still do. A friend of mine got married last year and roped me
into doing a comedy stand up thingy and it felt great!
I played sport but never really excelled because, hey, I was a fat kid, till about standard
eight which is when I started to come into my own. The teasing didn’t bother me (porky
pig, Fattis and Firmanis) as I could laugh at myself and throw some witty retorts back to
those who were teasing me. My couson gave me a bit of a hard time while growing up,
not because of my weight, but because I think he wanted to make sure that I would
always be able to handle myself, so I fought regularly through his pre-arranged fights
(not a bad thing, but senseless).
From standard eight I naturally started losing weight and started training in a gym which
the owner had converted his garage into. The more I trained the more physical changes I
noticed, I never really grew very big for my genetics wouldn’t allow for this. Then I
noticed that the girls were paying a lot more attention to me, which I thought was about
time! In high school I never had any serious relationships, these came later on in life. I
was just enjoying the moment (good advice-even now). It was in high school that first
realised the effects of human behaviour and the human mind always fascinated me. I was
in the naughtiest, loudest, disruptive class imaginable. Twenty four of the naughtiest boys
in school, all placed in one class with six girls, need I say more. A good bunch of guys
never the less and we all got on well. The girls weren’t that naughty but good fun
anyhow. I think it was more along the lines of sink or swim. So, yes, our class was
marked, not buy our abilities, but by how we came across. Which I proved to myself
when writing matric finals. I had failed every term in matric including prelims, yet when
my final papers were marked by someone who had no clue as to who I was, passed me
and quite well too. So please explain this to me when all through matric I was told I am
going to be repeating matric again! Showed them didn’t I.
7
Left school joined the police force and was stationed at the Soweto Riot Unit for three
years (it was enough, enjoyed the job but my life was worth more than R1200-00 a
month). Had many eye opening experiences, just as to how cruel people can be with total
disregard for human life, “this coming from a drug addict”, I hear you say! It was in the
police force where I discovered the power of drugs, not narcotics yet, but steroids.
They fulfilled many functions in my life which all manipulated my mind set into
believing that the bigger I got, the more humiliating my presence I would have as a
policeman. As I grew, the more I accepted myself. No more fat kid. (now there’s a joke,
once a fat kid always a fat kid in the mind until one truly comes to love themselves just
the way they are). I cycled as a sport in the police and the steroids did there thing by
enhancing my abilities when training and racing. The steroids were a big part of my life
for about five years
I left the police force weighing 96kg’s on my 1.72m frame with a 32 inch waist. My
weight at the end of active addiction was a whopping 63 kg’s and a 28 inch waist. Now
seventeen months into recovery I weigh roughly 73 kg’s and I’m heading towards my
personal goal weight at a lean 80 kg’s.
This book is not about me, but what recovery is all about! So I’ll wrap up this chapter as
brief as possible. After the police I had a few jobs, repping, personal trainer, topless
waiter in a night club on ladies nights (yes please), you ladies!!! are worse than guys at
strip shows, (I know this due to first hand experience) and I thank you from the bottom of
my heart. I could never seem to find my feet or grounding in purpose, the police robbed
me of every emotion and raped my mind. One learns how to switch off, but never how to
switch back on. I was not very nice or understanding with the woman i dated as i did not
care much for their feelings. If you are one of them, please accept my appology and I ask
your forgiveness? One particular girl comes to mind who I hurt numerous times. Tracy I
am sorry!
My mates were more important to me, than a relationship. I used to party all the time and
used to get oiled on alcohol, still not discovering narcotics yet. Being an ex-policeman, it
went against my beliefs. This party mode lasted for about four years (where my memory
abilities played a part in my mate’s lives.
Whenever we went out they would never write down the names and numbers of the girls
they would meet. Instead I was used as a walking filo-fax. The next day my phone would
ring off the hook. Hey Jay, the blonde’s name again and her number?) Or which one was
Jill and what is Mary’s number?
Then one night some people were doing coke and I thought what the hell, lets give it a
try? Boom!!!! A whole new world had opened up for me and every feeling and emotion
can flooding back, wow I thought as I saw myself through new eyes. Coke was a
weekend recreational passtime and every now and then during the week. The frequncy of
using was increasing all the time and I was totally unaware. I was hooked from the first
line. In the interim with my new found emotional state of mind I met a cute little sexy
8
gymnast from Cape Town and had no clue about my using at first. She later became my
wife. She gave me the ultimate gift. The most adorable and truly specially gifted
daughter, Jayde. She has the most incredible mind, very intelligent. At the age of four she
was building puzzles out of her head. By grade two she could recite her readers. She is
just gorgeous with the biggest bluest eyes and incredible personality.
Before we got married Brenda said to me to stop the coke or its no wedding. So no more
coke and got married. The marriage lasted four years. The divorce was triggered due to
the family business, of which I was involved in, went under because of the financial
partner my ex-inlaws had. What a control freak! I still hear you asking so where does the
addiction come in? I’ll get to that shortly. The financial strain took its toll on us and
divorce was inevitible, also we weren’t compatible at all and divorced in July 98.
The last year of marriage we discovered rave parties and clubs (watch this boy boogie.
Yes, that’s me, dancing on the speakers with no shirt on for a change), with all trappings
that came with them. Ecstacy was the final straw. This way of life became the norm for
me. Since the divorce my ex and daughter have moved to Ireland and have been there for
a few years already. I miss Jayde every waking day more and more. Seeing her once a
year is not enough. I think of all her growing years I’m missing out on, not being there to
be able to comfort her or just being able to tuck her in at night with a big hug and kiss. I
love booboo!
By now you can gather, I have no excuses for my drug addiction. Only one reason, that is
by choice. Which I fully accept and come to terms with(after I stopped blaming everyone
and everything for my short comings and misfortunes). I could have picked myself up
and carried on like straight people do, but the drugs became my escape. An escape from
reality. The big question is, escape to where?
The same place every addict escapes to, the world inside there heads, where everything is
logical and seems to make sense. What is it that reality or life can’t offer the addict, that
forces us to escape into our own little world of destruction and despair. These only
surface once in full blown addiction. Once we’ve lost control of our own lives. It is at this
point of losing control that our addict steps in to take over and we humbly give him or her
our power of self control.
Reality seems to have no stimulus for us to live life on life’s terms. Look at movie stars,
rock stars, famous people, etc.
They slip into addiction due to a false sense of reality, where life has become
meaningless and by perception addiction has all the answers.
9
Chapter 2
The Drugs
Many types I have tried
From which, so many have died
I hope to save even the life of one
Then I know, this books work is done
I have been spared for a reason
To help you through every season
Of emotion and feeling
To find life, the meaning
10
I’m not professing to be a leading authority on drugs and addictions but I speak from two
view points, active addiction and a life without the use of drugs. My findings and
discoveries are from my own personal experiences with this disease and that recovery is
possible.
Addiction is a disease, from which, there is no known cure. It can be understood then,
one’s personal recovery begins.
Incurable disease because its all cunning, baffling and progressive. If it were physical,
then a doctor could treat it. If it were mental, then psychiatry could treat it. If it were
spiritual then one of the cloth could treat it. So what is it? It’s all three.
In this chapter we’re going to have a look at the different types of drugs, whether it be on
black market or over the counter.
1) Alcohol:
Freely available and the one most accepted by society. Disguised in many preparations,
eg. Beer, wine, spirits, shooters and many medicinal preparations. Said to be calming
after a hard days work or a form of relaxation, but to the addict, the apposite is true. Can’t
stop at one or two.
The addict (alcoholic) drinks for a number of reasons, for its so called calming
therapeutic effect. If only it stopped there, but it does’n. We drink ourselves into oblivian
to run away from the harsh realities of life
From dependance we suffer such things as lethargy, incapacity of one’s voluntary
movements and concentration, physical and mental impairment, the inablity to function
on normal levels without a quick pick me up in the mornings. The list goes on and on.
When sobering up insomnia sets in, aggressive behaviour comes out including irritability
and nervousness
Effects of abuse attacks you mentally, damage to internal organs such as the kidneys and
liver, bearing in mind that alcohol is a preservative which is why you always hear of an
alcoholics liver being enlarged. This comes about from the liver growing in order to
function. Many alcoholics suffer from convulsions and often drink themselves to death
due to the effects of abuse. Death is not intentional but a realty of the abuse
2) Nicotine:
A temporary stimulant, and highly addictive. One that I battle with constantly, especially
when my addict’s telling me that its ok to smoke as I can function fully aware in society,
it’s not mood or mind altering (but run out of cigarettes and watch true addict behaviour
come through. Feelings of anxiousness, hyper activity and restlessness, focussed attention
on not having any. Etc….)
11
Available everywhere including vending machines. I’m not going to go into detail on
nicotine. Just pick up a newspaper or magazine and it’s in your face, the dangers and
risks of smoking, yet everyone still smokes. With all the new laws being passed about
smoking, the smoker doesn’t smoke less. When they go out, they all slip out for a quick
puff on two cigarettes. Yes, you too. I know this because I’ve seen you and you’ve told
me (I’ve done it too, so don’t feel bad you’re not alone)
3. Over the counter:
Codeine is the biggest culprit and the one my sister battled for thirteen years. She must
have the constitution of a horse because of the amounts she would take. It boggles the
mind. Her daily dose would be up to one hunred tablets a day, yes one hundred, then at
night up to ten sleeping tablets and still be awake for two hours (see, it’s a progressive
disease). Don’t confuse this state being awake as being in a conscious state. Far from
that. Sorry Jodie I’m not being judgemental but pointing a finger at myself too.
Pharmacies have a codeine register wherein patients/customers need to sign for very
purchase as a means of control.
Some do and some don’t, its business as it pays the bills and I can’t blame them as I was
dealing a bit to support my habit too.
Ephadrine, used in most weight loss products, in tonic, capsule or tablet form, is highly
addictive. Beneficial only when taken as prescribed, so why does a bottle meant to last
for two weeks, last only a few days? Is it not easier to drink a dose than to measure the
dose? The sips get bigger and the feelings become more enhanced, you know the ones,
I’ve also experienced them. That tingling feeling over the scalp, the goose bumps on the
skin, heart racing, that anxious feeling we confuse with hyper activity. I would drink half
a bottle and drive straight through to Cape Town. Leave at night and get there the next
morning and still not be able to sleep that day.
Dangers of this drug, is convulsions and yes overdose, organ failure, etc.
Pethidine, a pain killer which is only available on prescription (not really) is also highly
addictive and one which killed a friend of mine due to overdose (not intentional but a
reality of addiction). There is a fine line between a hit and an overdose and it gets crossed
daily. Some are lucky, as they make it, others, who are not found in time, do not.
Other medicinal drugs which are addictive are morphine, welconol or pinks by there
street name, tranquilisers and even analgesics and sleeping tablets.
4) Black market:
Firstly, everything from the pharmacy irrespective of the scheduling (how do you think I
got my steroids, one of them being a schedule 7 drug, which has now been removed from
12
the market. A very toxic drug. Even equine medication is available which is common
amongst steroid users. “safe to take” because there is no common disease between man
and horse or so I’m told).
Then we get a host of other drugs (narcotics), such as heroin, cocaine, crack cocaine,
mandrax, marijuana or dagga (natural and coated), hybrids of marijuana by fusing
different types of the herb together and growing new strains, ecstasy available in tablet,
capsule and liquid form, also known as MDMA and has been around since the second
world war.
So not quite the designer drug people are led to believe. Designer being justified by the
fact that it is cut with whole lot of other drugs such ephadrine (the one found in weight
loss medication carrying a schedule 2 grading), ketamine being another drug cut with
MDMA. LSD, has also been around for many decades and still very popular. I’m not a
pharmacist and this book is not to advocate the use of drugs but to bring your attention to
what is available. I did not want to consult the medical profession for research in my
book. I want to relay the message that we all have it within us to do it ourselves as I did.
Those who say it can’t be done, are constantly been shown by those who are doing it!
13
Chapter 3
Addiction
Bound by addiction, a slave to you
Robbed of life, and its intentions too
You brought me down
Now, on you I frown
Not your fault, as I gave you permission
To invade my life, to total sub-mission
Now I bid you my best farewell
As I condemn you, straight to hell
14
Addiction is the very force which drives the addict to do the crazy things we do. It’s in
understanding the dynamics behind this force that we begin to know the addict.
Addictions come in many disguises and forms. Other than substance abuse, straight
people have addictions, which we’ll chat about in this chapter too. People are addicted to
money, sex, power, people, gambling and even bad relationships.
Addiction is a serious topic, so my chirpy self will take a brief break as we expose this
monster.
The best way for me to describe the dynamics of this force is by using success in an
analogy. Most people view success as being financially independent, living in this
mansion of a house. Furnished with nothing but the very best that money can buy. In the
garages, top of the range luxurious cars. We drip with jewellary and only wear designer
labels. Nothing wrong with this. These are merely the trappings of success. Success is the
steps taken in order to achieve a predetermined and worthwhile goal. So success is in the
journey, not the end result. It is an on going journey. Now, as with every month we need
to meet these obligations and now the pressure is on. Money is now the master, not the
servant. We’re living beyond our means and out of control. So with money being the
master, we’ll try and do anything to lay our hands on it. We forsake our family and
friends, unknowingly at first. Our very focus is on serving the master. The funny thing is,
the master couldn’t care in the least about you, because there are so many other “faithful
servants” doing the same. So the servants compete against each other, unconsciously, in
trying to gain the masters approval all the time. Our actions, our way of thinking, our
emotional state, our outlook on life gets turned upside down as we become so focused on
the master. It’s not a sin to be rich and it’s every persons birthright to be the best that they
can be, in whatever career or profession they have chosen for themselves, as long as it is
ethical and no one gets hurt in the process of achieving. But to the servant in this analogy,
everyone and anything that stands in his/her path gets knocked down, in all aspects of
his/her life chasing that centre of attention.
If you ever un-suspectingly meet a recovering addict and his answer to your question of
why he will not a have a drink with you is: “for starters, I’ll drink you under the table,
then i am only starting to warm up. Then I’ll drink out whatever money you have on you.
When that’s finished we’ll go clear out your bank account and carry on (you said you’re
buying).
Then we’ll take a quick drive up the road and pawn everything of value you have
including your car to the dealer for drugs, because alcohol is not really what I’m looking
for. If you’re lucky you’ll be home in a few days still wearing your shirt! I appreciate
your offer, but no thank you”
Don’t be surprised. He just explained to you from first hand experience what addiction is
all about.
The principle of addiction or the dynamics of addiction is the same, even when we are
addicted to different masters. Addiction takes our control away and takes over our lives
causing total mayhem and destruction. We lose touch with reality and rely on the master
15
to dictate how we act, how we feel, what to do and even what our needs are. This is best
explained through the analogy of being addicted to a person.
We rely so much on this person for our false senses. Happiness is a state of mind, comes
from within. So why does the servant’s happiness have to depend on the master? We can
nurture ourselves but again the servant depends on the master for this. The master has full
control of the servant’s emotional state, frame of mind, actions and behaviour patterns.
Living in this false state the servant leads himself to believe that without the master there
is no life. What a load of hogwash. I know what pleases me and what ticks me off. These
are my feelings and I am not dependant on others for my emotional state. I have no
control over people, places or things. Nor do I want to have this control. I’ve learnt this
hard lesson in recovery. People have the ability to be themselves and it is impossible to
please everybody all the time. Coming back to master/servant scenario, the problem is
created on a see-saw of dominance and control. The dominant personality stagnates as
there in no stimulation and the submissive personality get suppressed because there is no
feelings of self-worth. Once, the ties in this relationship is severed the master tumbles and
the servant starts to grow.
Being addicted to bad relationships leads the master to believe that the only way he/she
can be truly loved is by being placed on a pedastal. If the servant doesn’t show the master
the gratitude he/she is lead to believe they’ve earned, then it’s the end of the world, the
servant gets confused and all false emotions errupt in both the master and the servant.
Strange but true. Self love and acceptance is the golden key in any relationship.
Now we better understand addiction. It’s not us but obsessive behaviour. We all have
obsessive tendancies, just some manage to control them and find balance, yet with others
it becomes the main focus and everything else takes a back seat. This alone shows that
there is something lacking in our lives and instead of addressing the issues, we’d rather
make excuses to justify our irrational and illogical behaviour. Easier to shift the blame,
than take responsibility for our own lives and actions. Feelings and emotions associated
with addictions are hurt, pain, guilt, remorse, inadequacy, low self-esteem, no self worth
and no self love, anxiousness and paranoia. In terms of addiction, anxiousness sets in
when we need to get our hands on drugs and will do anything and everything to get them.
Then comes the trip to the dealer, not the longest drive but it takes for ever. Everyday
when people drive the same routes all the time for arguments sake, to work. It becomes
so routine and trivial that we drive to work hypnotically. Not to the drive to dealer and we
know the route so well, yet we take notice of everything along the way. Paranoia sets in
on the way home. Who was watching? Did anybody recognise me? Paranoia leads to
feelings of insufficiency. We’ve bought three gram’s of coke and one gram is used on the
drive home, oops!!! Maybe we should’ve got more, one gram is already finished and this
sets the tone for the rest of the evening: little trips back and forward pleasing the master.
Crack cocaine is nasty as you’ll spend the rest of your life chasing those few minutes of
false bliss.
16
Trust me when I say this, healing is possible and it only comes from within. Addiction
directly affects the lives of sixteen people. Wow. We can’t even take responsibilty for our
own lives. That’s the thing, they adapt as they are forced to, but eventually they get sick
and tired of thee excuses and what they see as empty promises. We’ll discover in the next
chapter these promises aren’t really empty as they carry two
Intensions. Your addict’s intention is much stronger than your own (yup, I’ve
experienced this numerous times too). “mom”! “dad”! “please can you help me, there is
this person I owe some money to who is actually a supplier of mine and he has threatened
to hurt me quite seriously if I don’t pay him (underground drug trade has no ethics in
there business dealings, pardon the punn). And by the way I am a drug addict”. That
night I made every promise I could think of to stop the drugs. My addict got pissed off
with me for not consulting him in this regard and showed me for another year who was in
charge (yes master!!!!) There is money to be made in drugs, lets not kid ourselves. The
addict enjoys all the benefits of the profits and we see nothing. And that’s the truth. If
you are thinking about taking this route, don’t. It’s not worth it. Go into recovery and see
the rewards that it has to offer
Addiction is not easy to overcome. For that master who you valued so highly has no
place in recovery, for in recovery you can’t serve two masters. And no. Recovery is not a
master either. The only master in recovery is you.
Recovery is not for the chosen few but for those who choose it. A life without substance
abuse is the ultimate high! Don’t believe me? Then I challenge you. Don’t take my word
for it. Find out for yourself!
Cross –addiction is just as serious as addiction itself. All that happens is a new master
presents himself to fill the void of the addiction that was present previously. Life still just
exists with no purpose and no direction. Most importantly balance in life is non-existant.
Same behavioural patterns serving a different master. We kid ourselves constantly in
believing, now that we’ve stopped the drugs it’s ok to drink. Sex is a major cross-
addiction amonst “recovering addicts”. There are no feelings involved, as the physical act
becomes the master. Focusing on the new master shifts our attention away from the
drugs. Sex becomes the new drug or alcohol or exercise or even recovery. Recovery
becomes a master when our attention is solely on clean time and not living. Another
major cross- addiction to watch out for is gambling, as with drugs and alcohol there are
no winners, except for the “lucky few”.
My father battled with gambling for many years and he will be the first to tell you it’s a
big no-no. Gambling was his master. Extremely destructive and crippling. He has been
“clean” now for eight years.
The addiction to gambling is so rife, that gamblers can have themselves blacklisted at
casinos. If you are blacklisted, and lets say you win a jackpot at that casino, you will be
charged and arrested for fraud. Casinos even offer the gambler help by means of trained
psycologists. Pity the same can’t be done to help the substance abuser. Imagine
17
blacklisting yourself at all dealers (or pubs and clubs). You rock up there and instead of
being supplied with your drugs you are a supplied with a psycologist. Wow! What a
caring dealer. Not.
18
Chapter 4
The Addict
Of my life, you had control
For your consequences, I pay the toll
These I’ve accepted as my own
I reap what you have sown
Destruction and chaos behind me now
Humbly before myself I bow
For my forgiveness and for you
I have triumphed, this is true
19
Don’t kid yourself for one moment into believing that the addict is an idiot. Drugs don’t
discriminate, people do! I have used with and dealt to other addicts, I myself would never
had suspected. At clubs and parties (I never sold there, far to dangerous, not for fear of
the police but what would be done to me for selling in someone else’s territory. A lot of
politics involved and I don’t see the need to elaborate), I would bump into old
acquaintances and people I had met during my life. And I would greet them with utter
shock and dis-belief.
These people could be the high powered lawyer who is your neighbour, the woman
executive with her own business across the road, the doctor who stays behind you, even
you. So not that easy to identify physically, only by behaviour. Me being one and having
spent so much time in the company of addicts, helps me to identify them pretty quickly.
People who know me will be shocked when they discover that i am an addict too!
The addict is a clever little so and so. The addict can justify anything. The addict is sly,
cunning and extremely resourceful. If they can’t get their own way, they will lie and
cheat. So focused is their attention on serving their master, they will come across totally
believable. If you don’t buy into their, stories the addict will then play on your emotions
and pull every guilt string they can find. (manipulative little bugger, hey!). If that has no
effect they will steal you blind and pawn anything they can lay their hands on. So fueled
is the addict by addiction that consequence never even features. The addict does not care
when they are in this “feeding frenzy”. After the little binge and all the effects have worn
off, guilt sets in and every other feeling and emotion that is associated with this guilt (the
hurts and the pains) .the person can’t deal with these feelings on an emotional level and
presto! The addict takes over, again, hence leading to another “feeding frenzy”. The guilt
stems from knowing, that the way in which the drugs were obtained goes against their
very nature, and guilt for knowing that drugs are a no-no.
See the pattern, compounded feelings and emotions get more and more suppressed the
more we use. Eventually addiction becomes the foundation for our coping skills in life.
The deeper into addiction we go, the bigger the part, the drugs start to play. In reality all
that is happening is we’re masking our feelings to the point that we think they don’t exist
anymore.
The same is said for straight people, who live on tablets to cope with the stresses in life.
They come home to a full buffet of tablets, for every situation they “feel” they are in. “I
had such a bad day so I’ll just take a little pick me up, you know, just so I can unwind”.
For this problem there’s that, for that problem there’s this. They are becoming addicts
without even realising it. That’s how my sister got hooked. It all started with a few tablets
for her sinus problem, thirteen years later, my sister who had become a zombie, was still
justifying why she needed this little helper. Thanks to her addict. My sister is no zombie
but her addict is.
Myself and my addict share the same body. Let’s call it myself with a splintered
personality. Not schizophrenia, because my addicts name is Jason too. I have my way of
doing things, I have my own interests and beliefs. I have desires and intentions and I
20
know what I’m all about. The same can be said for Jason the addict. That’s where it ends!
We do not connect on the same level. I live in reality and he lives in my head. He tries to
control the way i think, act and do. In active addiction, he got it right, as i came across as
not giving a hoot. I am the one who has to answer to his actions. I’m not passing the
buck, but it was his frame of mind that consumed me for four years. And it was his
master being served, not mine. I accept full responsibility though, as it was my decision
to fully consciously allow him to consume me to the point where I had given him full
control. He will always be with me till the day i die. He still pushes his luck with me and
thinks he can trick me to help him to serve his master. He doesn’t care which master.
It was Sunday the 25th
November 2000, that I finally took control of my life again and
said goodbye to the drugs and alcohol. For about year leading up to this date, I had tried
so many times to stop the drugs. The less drugs I took, the more I drank and I’ve never
been a big drinker. All I was doing was substituting drugs with alcohol (cross-addiction).
The alcohol was never what I was looking for. So when I used drugs, I would binge. I
would get about three or four weeks no using (just drinking) and “reward myself”.
Most addicts have a drug of choice. Not me. I enjoyed a full buffet. However!! There
were drugs I avoided completely and can honestly say have never tried. I knew I had an
addictive nature and stayed away from crack cocaine; heroine; welconol and mandrax. I
used cocaine, my ecstacy and lsd was chased with ephadrine, Iused speed, poppers and
the occasional bottle of cough mixture (codeine).
For those who are into palmistry, one look at my hands and you’ll see the addict. As I’ve
learnt and discovered, on my left hand, I have a simian line. That is when the head line
and the heart line are one line. A solid thick stripe, running across my hand. They say one
in every ten thousand people will have a simian line. (Now this is where the plot
thickens) it also occurs on my right hand. The lines on my hands are almost mirrors of
each other. People with simian lines battle with emotions and are coldly logical. My lines
are quite high up on my palms, which means I’m more coldly logical than emotional,
which I fully understand now. These lines don’t influence me negatively as I understand
them and recovery has taught me which emotions to use when making decisions. When I
was a young boy (and fat) a man by the name of Mike, worked with my mom and he
could read palms. Whenever I went to work with her, he would always study my hands
make photo copies of them as my hands fascinated him.
As I said before, drugs don’t discriminate, people do. They label us addicts attach a
stigma to us. These stigma’s which society places on us are dangerous and hurtful, not
just to us but society too. When I was born my mom labeled me Jason. That’s the only
label I wear. I’ll wear the label of addict only when necessary i.e. when reaching out to
other addicts or when to protect myself.
Let me tell you a story about the destructive forces of stigmas. Once upon a time……
(hey! This is not a fairy tale)! Sorry about that. No. This is a true story but I’ll change the
names. We have Mike*, Greg* and Andy*. All roughly the same age given a few years
and I know them personally. Mike is an acquaintance, Greg a friend and Andy a very
21
good friend of mine. Other than having drugs in common they are all retired professional
boxers having had a good professional records.
Mikes* debut into the professional ring was rewarded with a first round knockout in I
think it was about twenty odd seconds after the bell (I stand to be corrected). This was to
become the norm in his pro career. During his career he partied with his mates who took
advantage of his boxing abilities and would always make trouble relying on Mike* for
back-up (nice friends hey). Being a pro boxer what could he do? If he fought his pro
licence would be revoked (what did his friends care)? Asthma put paid to his career. His
mates, still the little trouble makers would involve Mike*. Mike* got a reputation as
being a bully and would hit anybody, putting a lot of people in hospital with serious
injuries (he was a heavy weight boxer with a big punch). Thanks to all the little
instigators, this became the norm. Drugs and alcohol were becoming more regular for
Mike until full blown addiction. His addict was making him do crazy things and he was
out of control. His mates still letting up on him. Forcing him to live up to his reputation to
the point where it was second nature for him. Eventually he would even smack his mates
around and cause such havoc in area.
People were calling him a menace to society and trying everything to get him locked up.
Menace now being the stigma he wore worked well, as he showed them all what a
menace was all about. Mike* was in so much pain and anger but society and his friends
would not let up. Knowing that mike* had addiction problems did not stop anybody. All
the while it was Mike’s* addict creating all the chaos as the master needed to be served
by any means. This very same society could have helped mike* differently if they only
understood the addict and addiction. With understanding and compassion society could
have helped in another way. The straight person is ignorant to the epidemic of addiction
and I hope to help you to better understand.
The good news is and I’m happy to say, Mike* managed to clean up his act and can take
his rightful place as a productive member of society. Change is possible. And it comes
with recovery. We are not bad people trying to become good. No, we are sick people
getting better (we are healing and it’s constant). If only society would re-accept us and
afford us the opportunity to set things right
Now we meet Greg*, also had brilliant career, fought for world titles. His friends loved
him and he is a great guy. They did not take advantage of Greg* and somehow drugs also
came into his life. Yet he never went through what mike went through, because the
people in Greg’s* life were supportive and understanding and never took advantage of
his status. They respected him. Through this love and understanding he never endured
what Mike* did and was able to get the right help. Well done Greg*.
Then there’s Andy*, same brilliant pro career. Also had world title fights and a real
gentleman. Drugs only came into his life when he retired. Sometimes I blame myself for
his drug using (I gave him his first ecstacy capsule). It was his conscious decision to take
it. After that it was all up to him. We partied for two solid years. Sometimes I envied him
as he was still very responsible and professional in his business. He’s also cleaned up his
22
and has truly found his path in life, and now runs a successful boxing gym. Andy* I take
my hat off to you with the utmost respect and wish you all the very best that life has to
offer buddy. You’ve earned it!
I also have markings that are synonomous with addicts. I have tattoos (no piercings-not
for me). But don’t judge me by them as tattoos have been around for centuries.
Another craving which addiction fed is adrenalin. I have always been a bit of an adrenalin
junkie and drugs seemed to have had a part in this too. Whether it be in the buying of or
the selling of or just in the taking of the drugs, somehow I used to get an adrenalin rush.
A subtle feeling but one I could feel (difficult to explain in words). Addiction is a slow
death sentence. One that is self imposed when we consciously decided to take that first
drug and allow the addict in us to take control. I liken it to a game of Russian-Roulette.
One never knows when the gun will go off. (slowly committing suicide)
That’s why it’s a progressive disease. Your body builds up an immunity to the dosages
you take. The further into addiction we are sucked the bigger the dosages get in order to
get that “high we are always chasing”.
I made a promise to myself in recovery that I would never play Russian-Roulette with my
life again with things I had no control over.
23
Part 2:
Recovery
24
Chapter 5
Approach
With knowledge, I myself empower
To rise above addiction, I now tower
For i live a life, so serene
Because from drugs, I now am clean
It’s not easy, but oh so simple
I smile with a cheeky dimple
Put down the drug
And kick it, like a thug
25
Facing Cause Face
An Of Everything
Inner Using And
Truth Recovery’s Recover
Heals A
Great
Effort
Leave What Son
Everything Our Of-a
To Recovery Bitch
God Knows Everything’s
Okay Real
Any Anybody Solutions
Change Doing To
To Drugs Every
Improve In Problem
Our Compulsive Sober
Natures Trouble
Personal Wrong Simply
Recovery Or How
Involves Right I’m
Deflating Remain Thinking
Ego Yourself
Nothing Ass
Else Saving
Worked Kit
26
Recovery Choosing
Exists Honesty
Life Allows
And New
Program Growth
Seem Everyday
Empty
Welcome to recovery! We did not become addicted in one day, so don’t expect recovery
to happen overnight (aint that the truth). There is one little trick that makes it all possible.
One trick so simple (not easy) that even you can do it and astound yourself. Are you
ready? Here it comes? Wait for it! (deep breathe) put down the drugs. Don’t pick up,
no matter what! That’s it! If they are not in your hand, you cannot take them. It’s that
simple. And yes it’s not easy (but possible).
There are many methods and means for recovery. We have support groups and
rehabilitation centres and even some institutions, which offer recovery programmes. If
you feel that you cannot do it alone and will benefit from professional help, then I
suggest a rehab centre that offers the twelve step programme (you won’t be sorry. I
promise). Using my sister as an example (thanks Jodie), she was in active addiction for
thirteen years and tried and tested just about every avenue possible to the addict. Sleep
therapy, detox centres, you name it, she tried it. Why were these methods insufficient?
Because they only treat the systems and not the cause! I’m not knocking them as many
addicts have benefitted and managed to clean up their act, so don’t get me wrong. The
difference at a twelve step recovery centre is their holistic approach to the disease of
addiction. They get right down to the cause and that’s where the healing starts, in
learning to identify the addict and the reasons for which we became involved in active
addiction. Jodie is now eighteen months clean due to the twelve step programme’s
approach to addiction. This same programme helped my dad to achieve eight free
addiction years from gambling and my seventeen months from drugs (I promised it could
be, done didn’t I)!
Withdrawal is a mental one but some drugs have physical withdrawal symptoms too,
such as heroin and codeine. The withdrawal is so severe as the mind and body fight for
that fix and the pain the addict suffers is very intense (but worth it). Help is at hand to
relieve the pain of the physical. Methadone is given to addicts while going through the
detox stages for heroin and codeine. Rehabs are good and offer the addict a kickstart to
their clean time (remember, recovery is not about clean time, but living life without the
use of drugs)
While in rehab, the addict is protected from external forces of addictions and is equipped
to fight the internal forces with one’s self. When you are dis-charged from rehab and set
foot outside, that’s when recovery life really starts, as now it is up to you to make it work.
27
Avoid dark people, places and things. It was hard on me to turn my back on friends, yet it
was extremely necessary as I knew these people would bring me down, and quickly. So I
placed myself under house arrest purely out of self preservation. This protected me from
the external temptations (I was already fighting my addict self and did not need added or
undue pressure from others). I had a select number of friends who I could trust with
whom I could associate. Thereby not putting my recovery in jeopardy or myself, so I
would be in situations I could control, not my addict. Seventeen months later, I have no
desire or need to use and drink and it is hard work to get to this point.
Recovery is possible when, and only, the addict stops living in “denial”, (no, it’s not a
river in Egypt). Accepting that you are an addict and that you are powerless over your
addiction, is taking the first step (a liberating feeling). Once you have admitted this to
yourself, start recovery today (at this point your little addicts voice is going to do all that
is possible to get you to continue using. Trust me and remember this is a clever tricky
little bugger and is going to make deals with you. Just once more, then we’ll stop. Wait!
We’ll stop tomorrow, not right now. Come on bud, you’re not an addict you can stop any
time. And so on and so on. You’ll even be tricked into believing that you are a successful
or merely recreational user. Stand your ground, take charge now and by all means
don’t give in). Tomorrow might not come so do it now! Please!!!!!
Give up your addiction and your addict as this starts a positive mindset. Do it for yourself
and no one else. Giving in to others to clean up creates an environment conducive to the
addict. Reasons for your relapses are perfectly calculated without you even realising it.
When relapses occur, the predetermined reasoning pops out of no-where. Giving up
comes willingly. Giving in comes forcibly. No one likes to be forced to do things.
Therefore do not be forced into recovery as your approach will be half hearted. Recover
willfuly and receive the rewards that recovery offers (these rewards only come with
effort. Work your recovery). At the beginning of my recovery the approach I used was to
clean up by any means possible. I was going to be as committed to recovery as I was to
addiction. In addiction I did everything possible to please the master and now I was to
use the same driving force for recovery in a positive manner. This is why I try my best to
live by spiritual principles. Remember, we are not bad people trying to become good. No.
We are sick people healing and getting better. These spiritual principles enrich my life
and open me up to all the good that life has to offer. The healing that these principles
offer the addict are priceless and the therapeutic effect they have in your life are without
parallel. Again. Don’t take my word for it and try for yourself and enjoy life’s blessings.
The most important of these principles which to live by in everyday life, are, honesty,
willingness, to be openminded, faith, hope, trust and positivity (come now it is
simple. Okay, I’ll give you a little tip then, if you think it’s not possible. Fake it till you
make it. By which time it will have become second nature. There we go). The most
important of these principles is faith and hope. Apply these two and all is possible.
I appologise for drawing this chapter out a bit, but it is for a good reason. Firstly to gain
your trust by tweaking your interest and secondly to open your mind up to an incredilble
life that awaits you in recovery (i promised you a better way of life, didn’t I?). A quick
28
re-cap (bare with me). Let’s see! We’ve identified we are addicts and have put down the
drugs. We’ve told our addict, sorry pal, but this is where i take over again, no deals. (our
addict will be with us for the rest of our lives, so please don’t bargain with this
destructive character. Tell this character to shut up whenever it starts to take up your
thoughts and pay this character no attention. Who cares if it sulks). We’ve consciously
decided that recovery is what we want and made the commitment too.
Now we are ready (this is where faith and hope come in). In faith and hope we
surrender our will (we’ve discovered how easily it can be manipulated. So you are
already used to it), to a higher power (no! Not the master again. But, the ultimate
authority who makes it all possible). God! (this is where your open mind comes in, so
don’t give me that, I have not bible punched once in this book nor am I going to). You
can choose to call this higher power what ever you want to, till you are comfortable to
call this higher power, god. We surrender our will to a higher power (whom i choose to
call god) as this higher power only wants what is best for us and will guide us
accordingly. My god has proven to me numerous times of his existance and to you too.
After all he has answered your prayers, one of which is he has spared you for a life in
recovery. Your reading this book aren’t you? In active addiction how many times haven’t
we asked god, “if you can get me out of this one, I’ll…………?”. And he did! Time and
time again. So in faith and hope we’ve surrendered our will to a higher power and
recovery is now possible. Your higher power will express himself to you as a loving and
forgiving one and in ways that you will have no doubt in your higher powers existance,
and you will be guided to all that is good for you in life. Again I ask you not to doubt
your higher power as you have already been guided to start your recovery here.
(awesome stuff, hey!)
Through believing in this higher power, it automatically instills trust in us as it brings
about a calming effect to our lives. We all have war stories from active addiction and we
know of the destructive and un-managable lives we led in total chaos. This chaos alone
should have opened our eyes, yet we just carried on (yes master!).
My dreams, hopes and desires that I carried with me in active addiction are coming true
and being fulfilled everyday as I see the miracles being performed. Every night I thank
my god of my understanding for not using drugs and drinking today. Recovery teaches
you that just for today Iwill not use. There are two days we need not worry about which
are yesterday and tomorrow, they have already been determined by what we did today
(cool, no pressure). Life is good and gets better everyday. This I gaurantee you of
(another promise, I’m really going out on a limb here, hey!). Just put down the drugs,
don’t pick up the alcohol, stick to your commitment, surrender your will to a higher
power, with your open mind full in faith and hope, trust that your life will be one of
serenity!
Recovery offers untold rewards for those whom actively seek it. At the start our
emotional roller-coaster does not let up so don’t be discouraged. It’s a tough ride but
worth it. Feeling these emotions is all part of the process. Your ups are ups and your
downs are downs. Teaching us the ability to recognise what it is that we are feeling,
29
discovering the reason for it and identifying the cause then dealing with it on the spot.
Don’t suppress it. Deal with it. These emotions will have trigger points so identifying
them will become second nature with time. (like that dog Pavlov, the stimulus and
response canine). In dealing with emotions we are being equipped with coping skills.
These skills we have already learnt while growing up and are deeply rooted within us, so
accessing them is not an impossibility but a given. Very often it’s by our own perception
that we don’t have them and it was our so called inability to use them that led us into
addiction in the first place as we saw an easy way out. The joke’s on us as we are greeted
by them on the way back into recovery. It does not matter what we do or don’t, they are
there. They lay dormant till given the chance to catch you off guard. The sooner you
accept them and deal with them the better off you’ll be. So many times I have heard and
spoken to recovering addicts with lots of clean time behind, some even years and yet they
are still full of pain and hurt and anguish and carry resentments and grudges against
everything and everyone including themselves (dumb; stupid and ignorant). Build that
bridge and get over it now, you are holding yourself back. There is no place in recovery
for self pity so living in what could’ve been or what should’ve been and what might’ve
been does not work. You are where you are exactly by your own choice. You choose to
wollow in self pity, you choose to hate your life, you choose to blame not yourself. The
world and society owe us nothing so choose to take responsibility for yourself now (even
if it means adopting a personality and losing the attitude. See, fake it till you make it).
You can do it! I know you can. Others are so why not you?
I came into recovery with junkie pride as do we all. This junkie pride will be your
downfall. At my first support group meeting I was cut down to size by myself as I heard
the other recovering addict’s stories. It was a very humbling experience and one Iwill
never forget (NB! Note to self. Find a support group that offers a twelve step
programme). That night I realised I was not the bad assed junkie I thought I was. No
way. There were addicts there far worse off than I was and my junkie pride flew out the
window, and all Icould sense was how honoured I was to be with this bunch who had
overcome there problem and had found this new way of life without the use of drugs.
And I wanted it to. That night I promised myself I would never take drugs again and just
for today it is possible (seventeen months later I’m still proving it to myself). I’m
achieving what I set out to do and based my recovery on a positive, grateful and happy
mindset. I hurt many people in active addiction, family and friends and fellow addicts.
My addiction and addict nature turned me into a monster around those I loved and cared
for, those who did not really know me would’ve been none the wiser as I hid it well as
you’ll find out in the next chapter when we’ll chat about relationships (both in active
addiction and recovery). Most importantly I hurt myself and it was me that needed to heal
first so that I could mend what I had destroyed with others later. I did not want my
recovery to be based on guilt, hurt, anger, remorse, etc (all the negative emotions). In
order for me to benefit from a positive recovery I had to forgive myself first for recovery
to be possible, then i came to terms with what needed to be done and put the negative
emotions on hold regarding others as I needed to focus on myself. (clearly, as this is
where the problem stems from- Jason the addict). Jason (me of course) is actually a nice
guy (friendship fees to any takers, only joking). Seriously though, i needed to find myself
again. And i have! So can you!
30
Patience and tolerance is fundamentally important in recovery. These two principles for
me were difficult to start with as they have never been one of my strong points, as,
believe it or not, I am an impulsive little bugger. (I hope you are enjoying reading this
book as much as I am writing it. Extremely therapeutic for me and for you too I hope).
My family will be the first to acknowledge this impulsive behaviour on my behalf (thanks
guys) as it has been brought to my attention on numerous occasions. Wait? Impulsive or
compulsive? Okay, so I’m both. I woke up the second day in recovery and I wanted to
know where everything is that this recovery’s promised me. I wanted my car, my house,
my motorbike, my girlfriend, my job, my fat salary, etc! Etc! Etc!
Then a little voice asked that isn’t it more important to maybe find myself first? Clever
little voice this I thought only to discover later that everyone has one of these clever little
voices and it has name. They call it intuition. Wow! Listen to your intuition as it will
guide you to all that is good in recovery (higher power stuff this. Yes, I know, just as
long as I don’t pick up the drugs). See now this is the part where patience and tolerance
comes in. There are no time restraints in recovery. Things happen when they happen at
the right time. Tolerance helps you through the trial and error stages of waiting for the
right things to happen. A big plus for me is that patience and tolerance have even helped
me in controlling my temper (I lose it once in awhile, luckily not to often with no drastic
outcomes. Thank goodness), I’m only human and I am allowed to get cross every now
and then, just like straight people do (remember you are the non-addict). Marvelous thing
this recovery as it allows me to go under cover in society and act and behave and be a
productive member of society. Mission accomplished, only if I don’t pick up the drugs,
cause then I’m going to stick out like a sore thumb, again (no thanks, this non-destructive
and manageable life I have now is better than any drug). Living by spiritual principles
means I don’t have to go under cover in society as this is one of the reasons for me
writing this book, as hopefully by now you have a better understanding to addiction and
the addict, if you reading this as a straight person. Us addicts do not have to hide away or
live as a recluse. We have a function in society and we will fulfull it. The opportunity is
all we ask for, when we are ready!
Recovery is a personal thing and often referred to as selfish. This selfish ability is not to
hurt others but to protect yourself from active addiction. I can’t do recovery for you. Only
you can do it for yourself and only if you are prepared to. As are the principles in active
addiction the same for all addicts, so are the principles the same for the recovering addict.
Recovery is not the same for all addicts but the principles do apply just as long as you
put down the drugs and don’t pick up, no matter what! Once you have achieved this
then the sky is the limit.
We all have limitations, straight people included. And let me be the first to tell you that
our limitations are not obstacles. The simplest way for me to explain it is as follows: I
can’t drive an eighteen wheeler truck but that does not stop me from driving my car. I
can’t fly an aeroplane but I can still fly to Cape Town. I may not be the best looking boy
in town but I can still get a girlfriend, get the message. There are only two things I can’t
do (actually three), that which I haven’t tried and that which does not interest me (and
stick my elbow in my ear). What I’m trying to say is that everybody has a purpose or a
role to play in life. Which is why we are all different. The only common bond we have is
31
the interests and beliefs we share. I am me and you are you. I do what I do and you do
what you do. If no-one gets hurt then we get on. That’s where respect for each other
come in. Respect yourself first then I know you’ll have respect for me. And I promise not
to judge you so then you’ll not judge me, then we’ll get on. Know yourself first then
you’ll give yourself the time to know me and vice versa, then we’ll get on. Love yourself
and you’ll have love for me and vice versa, then we’ll get on. I am better than no-one and
no-one is better than me, we are all included in the scheme of things on an equal level,
but the functions we perform are different so as to make the scheme of things work for
the benefit of all. There are more important things to worry about in this world, like
trying to make things work for you in life so that we all win, so don’t pay attention to the
trivial or meaningless things in recovery as they have no bearing on your life. If you do
you’ll become what is known as a “dry addict”, life is the same as in active addiction
with addict behaviour. The only difference is your not using. You have no recovery,
why? It’s your frame of mind that needs working on first. Why do you think of yourself
as worthless? Why are you carrying resentments? Why do you think you don’t deserve
recovery? Why have you become so complacent? Why do you think life is so terrible?
Why? Why? Why? Could it be that recovery is not working for you because you are not
working recovery? I can’t answer that for you, wish I could (typical addict bahaviour it’s
easier not to do it than to do it). You have the answers in you, find them and live. Others
are, so why not you too. Complacency is a killer in recovery as it opens you up to addict
thoughts and behaviours. Complacency occurs when you think you have recovery waxed,
till it bites you on the arse and you wake up after a relapse and ask how did that happen?
Patience and tolerance, do what is required of yourself (you owe it to you and no-one
else) and keep on trying. We all falter, as we are, again, only human. Everybody makes
mistakes as there are lessons to be learnt why. The only real mistake is not to try and it’s
sad, you are missing out on so much that life has to offer. You’ll miss the opportunity if
you don’t wake up to it. Recovery offers all that you have asked for and aides you in
identifying the opportunities as they arrive, so why pass on them, when all you are doing
is passing them on and denying yourself (it’s silly and does not make sense to me).
Recovery is personal and selfish and as I said before I can’t do it for you.
You will only be helped if you are prepared to help yourself and that’s the truth (I am
very passionate about recovery as it really is a gift and one that is available for all addicts
looking to be “cured” from drug addiction). You’ve served the master long enough. Now
it’s time to serve yourself. Don’t let your past dictate your future. You’ve learnt your
lesson so don’t live in the past. It’s not healthy! Life is meant to be enjoyed, not feared.
Fears manifest and so does joy. I choose joy! Which do you choose? (clue: fear kept us in
active addiction and it wasn’t very pleasant, remember?) The only thing we are assured
of in life is that the sun will rise to the setting moon. Recovery offers us the opportunity
to make hay while the sun shines (I was just as philosophical in active addiction as what I
am in this book. My friends will vouch for this because of the most profound things I
would say. I remember one afternoon “in a higher state of mind” watching an
international cricket game against South Africa. There were two tv’s on and both
showing the same game, but there was a delay between them. Each connected to a
different decoder and this puzzled me or a while. Then genius here figured it out. One
was analogue and the other was satellite. The genius part is that the analogue signal is
32
one bounce and the satellite signal was a double bounce thus causing the delay. When I
explained I got blank stares. Made sense to me. Use it, don’t use).
Addiction cannot be cured. It can only be controlled, which is why our approach to
recovery should be of a positive nature. We have nothing to lose (we’ve lost it already)
and all the more to gain. That which we have lost materially is gone, never to come back.
Not a bad thing as they are replaced with the new and better as this is what recovery
offers us, a new slate, new beginnings and the opportunity to set things right with
ourselves first then others. In active addiction we destroyed relationships with family and
friends and just as we need healing so do these relationships too and when the time is
right we can make amends where ever possible (time heals all wounds). Harbouring
grudges and carrying resentments will only stunt your growth, which is why we heal
ourselves first to make everything all possible. This is not to say that we should avoid
problems, deal with them as they arise and get them out of the way in order to move
forward. If things bother you or if you are not to sure about things then express yourself
and don’t bottle up. It is not healthy. Learn to speak your mind and express your feelings
find solutions you’ll be astonished by the therapeutic healing it brings on. Force yourself
to open up to healing and never be ashamed of what comes out. I take my recovery very
seriously even if I’m sick. I don’t take medication which contain mood or mind altering
substances, so be honest with your doctor that you are a recovering drug addict and he
will medicate you with safe medicines. There are no reasons for relapses! Only excuses!
33
Chapter 6
The tools
I use the tools with purpose and meaning
Undoing the burdens on me so bearing
Lightening the load
On this clear road
A journey on which to embark
In the sun, not the dark
In faith and hope
Not drugs and dope
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Surrender your will
We’ve discovered how easy this is, so while we’re in this frame of mind give to a power
greater than ourselves. Enough said on this.
Higher power
Any power greater than ourselves with our best interests and for our own good. This
higher power i choose to call god. A god of my own understanding as he has expressed
himself to me. I’ve come to know him as a loving and understanding god and i hope you
do to!
Faith and hope
On which recovery is based. These two go hand in hand as without one, the other has no
purpose. It instills a sense of knowing that everything will be okay in time to come. In
faith and hope our mind set is imbedded on recovery creating the mental awareness
needed for recovery to happen and to start the healing process.
Patience and tolerance
Patience and tolerance is what has to be applied to all aspects of recovery. From dealing
with problems to identifying emotions. Being persistant in getting our lives back on track
to finding employment. By employment I don’t mean getting a job, it’s finding a
rewarding and fulfulling career bringing every aspect of success into our lives. Patience
and tolerance teaches us to accept the bad times and the good times as well as trial and
error stages of recovery. Learn the lessons from the bad and enjoy the good (do not
question either unless there are lessons to be learnt and skills to master). We also need to
become patient and tolerant of ourselves and apply it to others. The calming effect is
awesome as we come to know that we are powerless over people, places and things.
Good things come to those who wait!
Powerlessness
This is what we all are and straight people included. We like to think that we have control
but do we really! Just let things be and that will eradicate the domino effect of dominance
and sub-missive behavior. The only things that we can actually control is ourselves and
what happens to us and it stems from choice being in different situations. We learn what
works for us and that which doesn’t. I have met many control freaks, trust yourself so you
can trust others, then that harmonious environment will be created for everyone to benefit
from. The world would be a better place through understanding and motivation instead of
the destruction that comes from trying to control. Keep control for yourself that way you
won’t set yourself up for a fall. We are powerless over our addiction but we control
ourselves not to pick up the drugs. Simple strategy.
35
Program
The twelve step programme for me is the most beneficial one for any recovering addict,
as it puts strategies in place for us that makes our recovery possible as we become
productive members of society. Giving back what we have held back, ourselves and all
that comes with us. So set up a programme that will enrich your life with all that is good
and full of personal growth. Again I say that recovery is not about clean. It’s not the
quantity of clean time that matters but the quality of life living clean and sober. Do you
want to exist or do you want to live? Your choice?
Change
Change everything about you which is associated with addiction and addict behaviour.
Change is possible. Live by your nature and not the nature of your addict (that destructive
tricky little bugger. You know the one). Change your thinking, your outlook on life, your
attitude, your way of doing things. Change yourself into a recovering drug addict and
embrace a life without drugs and alcohol. Very important, change your view of alcohol
and see it as the downfall it brings with it! Change your perceptions and life in this mind
set of change.
Gratitude
Keep a gratitude journal and write in it as often as possible all the things you are truly
grateful of and for no matter how meaningless it may seem. Express and show gratitude
when it is appropriate to. Give thanks and be thankful. There is so much i am grateful for.
I’m grateful for recovery and all that it has done for me. I am grateful for my family and
friends and all the love, help and support they have given me in cleaning up. There have
been some rocky times when I haven’t been the nicest person (yes! I have off days. Part
and parcel of life). I’m grateful for all the opportunities in my life and this book being
one of them. When you think that things aren’t going so well you’ll be grateful for your
gratitude journal as you can reflect on how well things really are! Life is not a bed of
roses but what you make of it, it’s all up to you. I’m grateful for the u-turn that my life
has taken and the direction I am heading.
Courage
Strong as a bear and as brave as a lion (now I’m getting ahead of myself here)! Nothing
as severe as this, but courage enough to face our fears and stand our ground to deal with
all that life deals us. You’ll soon see that things aren’t as bad or as big as what we make
of them. Life waits for no one. Courage gives us the ability to climb back in, not where
we left off but at the point where we choose to fall in again. The past has gone but our
future is there. You are the master of your own destiny and it will only go where you
want it to. You can steer it out of fear or from faith and hope (a sense of knowing). I
choose faith and hope. You?
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Fear
How you see things and how you deal with things. Fear manifests into reality so don’t
entertain it. So many recovering addicts relapse purely out of fear of relapsing. So
focused are they on this fear that it actually happens. Focus on the positive aspects in life
and not the negative. Life is really good and gets better each day. Identify your fears, face
them and embrace them then send them on their way once you have dealt with them.
They have no place to live with you as they hold you back. Release your fears and move
on to discover all that awaits you, if you want it (take it! It’s what you’ve asked for,
haven’t you)? There are two types of fear and we’ve just discussed emotional fear. The
other fear is physical (sorry, can’t help with this one only adrenalin can). It’s called self
preservation, use it!
Let go
Let go of everything that will hold you back. Don’t hang onto things that you yourself
will place in front of you as obstacles. Remember there are no obstacles in recovery only
limitations which we learn to cope with and soon accomplish. In active addiction we had
obstacles which are more difficult to overcome than limitations. We did everything
possible to please the master, didn’t we? And we went out of our way to use didn’t we?
Active addiction is an obstacle in life. A jail sentence if you like and one that is self
imposed. The good part is we are eligible for parole any time we like. So let go of active
addiction and parole yourself and rehabilitate in recovery. Let go of your addict, your
addict behaviour, your using thoughts. Most importantly is to let go of your friends and
places in active addiction. Don’t worry about them, worry about yourself first and
hopefully your recovery will be contagious and they will catch it too once they see the
positive changes in your life. I caught recovery from my sister, who had done all the
rehabs for both of us. It was only when she went to a rehab that offered the twelve step
programme did I really see the change in her. When she left rehab, I went with her to a
twelve step support group meeting and have been clean ever since. She is six weeks
ahead of me in clean time (remember recovery is not about clean time but quality of life
living clean). My dad let go of his gambling addiction to the twelve step programme too,
he is nearing nine years. Recovery works for all addicts irrelavent of the master. We
share the same approach to recovery, I won’t take mind or mood altering medicines when
I’m sick, he doesn’t play lotto (my sister included). To let go is to surrender to help.
Relapse
Banish the thought. Relapse occurs through complacency, boredom, not working
recovery. No reason to relapse, only excuses (I’m hard hey?).
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Honesty
Be honest with yourself in everything that you do, say, think and be. Then you will be
honest with and to everybody around you watch as you slowly start building up and
regaining trust. That’s all I’m saying! (be yourself not the addict, if you have to fake it till
you make it, then do so)
The Twelve Steps
1. We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction, that our
lives had become unmanageable.
2. We came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity
3. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god as we
understood him .
4. We made a searching and fearless moral inventry of ourselves.
5. We admitted to god, ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our
wrongs.
6. We were entirely ready to have god remove all these defects of character.
7. We humbly asked him to remove our shortcomings.
8. We made a list of all the persons we had harmed, and became willing to make
amends to them all.
9. We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so
would injure them or others.
10. We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly
admitted it.
11. We sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with
God as we understood him, praying only for knowledge of his will and the power to
carry it out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this
message to addicts, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.
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Chapter 7
My recovery
My life destroyed or so I thought
In courage I this battle fought
Desperate and brave to face my fear
Often, shedding a needed tear
I needed this, I had to recover
And I, myself, to re-discover
I endured the hardships and the pain
To fight for my life, Ihad to regain
This went on for quite a while
Often having to fake a smile
I won’t pick up, no matter what
My addict against me trying to plot
This voice eventually in subdue
To my recovery I stuck like glue
I found the life I seeked to require
And all my heart held in desire
My addict I have forgave
As I’m alive and in no grave
A second chance I’ve been given
So have you, if you’re driven?
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I begin this chapter buy saying that in two weeks time, 26 may 2002, I’ll be eighteen
months clean and sober. This book is a gift to myself, to share with you. The first months
in recovery were hell, but worth it. If I had to go back and do it again then I would do it
gladly as anything is better than active addiction. The grounding lessons learnt in the first
months are what got me to this stage of my life which makes everything possible. Living
life on life’s terms is no bed of roses, make no mistake about that (I’m sure you straight
people would agree?). It’s dealing with everything that life is about whether it be in good
times or bad, it’s about adapting to the situation and getting on with it. In active addiction
we were all to pleased to experience good times, yet when faced by adversity we were no
where to be seen (well physically maybe and that’s about all) as we would escape into
our warped little world back in the corners of our minds thinking it to be a safe place to
hide. Our perception of adversity is a little less severe as the actual. But thinking back to
my time in active addiction every molehill seemed like a mountain (hey cool, more
excuses to use) as all we did were compounding our problems, piling them up one on top
of another. In recovery these problems don’t miraculously disappear (wish they did) but
are the start of our growth by dealing with them. Can’t avoid those dreaded creditors calls
anymore, facing people we so magically avoided, not hiding from family either, being
open and honest with ourselves as to who we really are and what we are going to do to
fix our lives. In grounding ourselves we search for the answers deep within us and allow
our true natures to lead the way in discovering our very essence of who we are (you’ll see
we are pretty damn alright) and finding a sense of purpose in life for what ever reason it
may be. No one’s recovery is exactly the same, only the principles in making it happen.
As you embark on your journey to self discovery as that is what it really is. Your
pessimistic view of life will gradually change to one of optimism (remember negativity
has no place in recovery- big lessons to be learnt here. Not negativity but complacency or
fear of facing your problems and not being grateful). In recovery there’s bitter pills to
swallow. Take them as they are vitally important for your growth as they prevent us from
returning to active addiction (think of them as vitamins). Even as I write this book I still
have to take that bitter pill every once in a while. Life is what you make of it. You can
choose to live in it or you can choose to exist in it. I choose to live and with choices there
are consequences, be they good or bad I have to accept them as they came with my
choices and cannot blame or give credit to anybody else other than myself. From bad
comes good as we learn to see what works for us and that which doesn’t. Anything that
prevents us from returning to active addiction irrespective of the consequences is part of
our growth process. It is said that our maturity growing stages are stunted in active
addiction, so lets say you were twenty when in active addiction and kicked the habit at
age twenty seven, then you would be a twenty seven year old with the maturity levels of a
twenty year old. Please don’t be hard on you if you compare yourself with straight people
of the same age, they’ve gone through all the head bump growing stages you are just
starting on (you’ve only prolonged these stages that’s all. We catch up quickly if you
hang in there).
Now, for my recovery! My addiction to mind and mood altering substances (steroids,
drugs and alcohol) was nine years. Not consecutively though, as the first three years of
my marriage I behaved myself only having an occasional drink at socials, no drugs or
steroids at all.
40
If I could go back in time and change things, would I? No! Not a thing because I would
not be the person that i am now. I have learnt so much and my personal and spiritual
growth has bloomed through all the lessons I’ve learnt (and still learning daily). Some
simple and some hard but worth it. Combining active addiction with recovery in regard to
lessons that I’ve learnt has empowered me with so much wisdom and knowledge that I’m
sure I would not have discovered elsewhere had my life had taken a different path. Not
easy to explain this but I just know it so please trust me on this. Speak to any other
recovering addict and you’ll be told the same. The lessons I have learnt we’ve discussed
in chapter 6 under the tools and by applying them in life we see that we can overcome
all.
I came into recovery with the right mind set, no matter what I won’t pick-up, I’ll do
whatever it takes to fight this and I will triumph (try with umph). They say that Africa is
not for sissies and neither is recovery and as I said before recovery is not for the chosen
few but for those who choose it! This chapter is about relationships as everything in life
is relative. Recovery for me is having a relationship with life and all it’s ups and downs,
disappointments, good times and bad, happy times and sad, things working out or not etc.
Before we can have a relationship with life we have to have a relationship with ourselves
first, as this will determine your relative life or existence in life’s journey. I am to have a
fulfilled, prosperous, happy and successful life. I will not deprive myself of all that active
addiction took away from me (with my permission), I broke it so I must fix. I can’t be
anybody other than myself (there is no one else qualified for the job. I asked but no one
applied), and it was myself I discovered in recovery. Not a new and improved version or
an upgraded model, nor some body brand new. The myself I discovered was me, the
person I have always been, the same person I had neglected by destroying this
relationship with myself. There was no way I could function in life living and being in
this state. Early in recovery while getting re-acquainted with Jason I was shocked at what
I had become (not me, I must have an evil twin somewhere), a purposeless human being
(I fooled a lot of people in active addiction as I was ashamed of them finding out the truth
about me). It took a long time for me to admit to myself that I was an addict. Even when I
admitted to myself that I was an addict I still couldn’t clean up. I battled for the last year
in active addiction to quit the drugs by myself. I would last a couple of weeks then
relapse, not realising then that alcohol kept on tripping me up (pardon the punn), I drank
more and drugged less, then I would binge and then the cycle would start all over again.
When I was drunk I new alcohol wasn’t what I was really looking for and this was my
road to relapse every time. Being drunk and fighting the cravings made me quite
aggressive at times, luckily not getting physical bar one little incident at my local
watering hole. I merely helped out the one waiter who was having a hard time with one of
the patrons. My message to you, if you want to clean up say no to alcohol too. We cannot
drink, it bites us and defeats us and becomes a cross addiction leading to relapses, ask any
successful recovering addict. By successful I mean not using!
I said in the beginning of the book that recovery held two meanings for me. Firstly that I
would clean up and get better and secondly to recover all that active addiction had taken
from me. These two meanings have bearing on my life everyday. I have daily healing and
41
with this healing comes gifts and rewards, a lot of which straight people take for granted
and it is there perogative to do so. Another way for me to define the second meaning of
recovery is reclaiming and these are where the gifts and rewards come in, not just
materially but non-materially as well (probably the most important and beneficial to the
recovering addict as without them we have nothing). The material things you have lost,
are gone. Never to return yet they can be replaced. Financially, emotionally
materialisticly I was ruined. As I write this book I am still to pay off a lot of debts. Rome
was not built in a day nor did active addiction happen overnight, my debts will be paid up
with time as does recovery happen in time. I thank my family and friends for all their
help and support in me getting this far (one of the rewards of recovery is healing
relationships that active addiction destroyed). A big thank you to my parents who
supported me unconditionally through all the lies and deceit and my wrong doings. Mom
and dad I am blessed to have you as parents and one day I’ll be able to make it up to you
in whatever ways possible and am truly grateful for all you have done for me. My mom is
a woman of substance and has endured a lot of hardship and pain, she has put up with
three addicts (my dad a gambler, my sister addicted to over the counter medication and
me) and never once turned her back on us as she was always there to help us out. To my
dad a big thank you too for showing me that recovery is possible irrespective of which
master we serve. I saw how faith and hope in a higher power worked in his life and the
benefits there of. Mom and you have a right to walk around with your heads held high.
Thank you. A big thanks to my sister too who went to all the rehabs for me.
Here in one family you can see that the twelve step program really and truly works and is
the key to a fulfilled life, free from active addiction. There are so many people who I
need to thank which I will do face to face when the time is right. The most important
person I need to thank and appologise to is my daughter Jayde. She taught me the true
meaning of unconditional love. A better daughter no one could wish for. With her living
in Ireland for the last few years shielded her from seeing me at my worst. I love her and
miss her terribly and don’t get to speak to her as often as I’d like but she is always in my
heart and thoughts. I only get to see her once a year and it’s hard on me as I think about
the most important years of her life that I’m missing out on. Recovery helps me to cope
with this situation with my daughter and I’m comforted to know that for that one month a
year I still get to see her and have treasured memories of our times together. We have
many years ahead of us and this is even reason enough for me to stay clean so I can enjoy
the experiences of our brief times together. Jayde, I love and miss you booboo, daddy!
In having a personal relationship with myself I have rekindled all my feelings, emotions,
thoughts, ideas, wants, needs, dreams, hopes, desires, goals, successes now and future,
coping and life skills enabling me to live life on life’s terms and to have a healthy
relationship with myself, life and everybody else. This was only made possible by
putting down the drugs and taking the time in getting to know me. During this time I
discovered me and everything about me. How I think, what works for me and what
doesn’t, who I am and what I am, self forgiveness and self love. Life is good and gets
better everyday! Recover to discover yourself! Have a relationship with life and
everybody benefits! My relationship with myself and life is as it should be and accepting
all the terms and conditions that apply, not letting my past dictate my future, not blaming
42
others for my downfalls and shortcomings, not letting emotional fear deciding for me,
using courage to take the steps forward to finding happiness, prosperity, success and
fulfillment. Taking responsibility for my life and being the best that I can be and
consciously search for the gifts and rewards that there are for me, and I know that they
only come with effort. We reap what we sow, don’t we?
Today I am here through choice. I chose to recover by choosing to put down the drugs
and accepting I will not use mind or mood altering substances and that I am an addict.
This is a daily ritual and affirmation. I found affirmations to be extremely valuable in my
recovery and I know they’ll work for you to. This is one of the ways we re-programme
our minds.
3x just for today I will not use
3x I have purpose in life
3x I am happy and successful in aspects of my life
3x I can do anything I put my mind to
Write each one on a separate piece of paper and say them to yourself three times a day.
When you wake up, in the afternoon and when you go to bed. Say each one three times.
There is a reason for saying each one three times as it imbeds it in your sub-conscious
mind. First time mind goes sure I’ve heard it before (sarcastically), second time it says
wait a moment you might be serious, third time it tells the subconscious to make a note of
it and guide you to it. Do it, for twenty one days and see for yourself. It doesn’t have to
be these affirmations, you can use your own. Always affirm in the positive using positive
statements and make them short, sweet and to the point. Affirm starting with I am or I
can are powerful affirmations. Write them down and read them as it adds to the
effectiveness of your affirmations. Think it! Believe it! Become it!
Get involved in exercise of some sort, whether it be running, cycling or gym, whatever
tickles your fancy do it. We owe this to ourselves. Healthy mind and a healthy body plus
it keep’s us sane. My body is another reward which I’m getting back. I accept I’ll never
get to a lean 96kg’s clean from steroids as my genetic structure won’t allow it but I’ll get
to 80kg’s and be equally happy. I have experienced the health benefits of recovery and
training, during active addiction my pancreas was playing up and instead of quitting the
drugs, I quit sugar and foods high in glucose (pretty dumb don’t you think)? Over the
past seventeen and a bit months my pancreas has stabilised and my sugar levels are
normal now. See that’s the thing with steroid abuse, the problems only surface later in
life. Don’t do it! Get cracking and get training and enjoy the natural release of
endorphins.
Now, we are not designed to live life alone! Which is why we have relationships with
other people too, whether it be with family, friends, loved one’s or work colleagues etc.
There are people we get on with and people that we don’t, people we like and people we
dislike, people who inspire us and people who simply drain us. There are all types of
people that we encounter on our life’s path so we all need to co-exist. This is possible by
applying principles before personalities. I have asked for us not to be judged in this book
so therefore in return we should not judge others (this applies to everyone. Addicts and
straight people combined). Everyone has their own life to live and we can’t live it for
43
them. We are powerless over people, places and things. People make their own decisions
and choices in life for the purpose of growth along life’s journey. Often our paths cross
and if things work out, we like to take the credit for it, and if things don’t turn out as we
would have liked to then it is all to easy to blame everybody else. Everyone has a part to
play so play it to the best of your ability and accept the responsibilities which are part of
it. It is impossible to please everybody all the time, this is a fact of life, just do the best
you can and be honest with yourself. The wheel of life turns continuously and it’s not our
responsibility to be the downfall of others. Do others wrong and wrong will be done unto
you (you get the picture). We need to create healthy and harmonious relationships to co-
exist, only possible by putting principles before personalities which comes from
understanding other peoples view points which is determined by there frame of mind. If
people act irrationally maybe it’s because they are going through tough times. With
understanding comes compassion and we soon realise that we have no right to judge
others. We only judge others by our own standards so again what works for one doesn’t
count for someone else. Who’s to say we were right in the first place. It’s in our personal
approach and understanding that determines our actions and reactions along life’s
journey.
Recovery is a selfish programme so as to avoid relapses and to live life on life’s terms but
this doesn’t make us stingy people otherwise we could not be productive members of
society. We give back what we have received in order to receive so as to give back. I
have healthy relationships in my life today and when I meet people I give them and
myself the time to understand and know the person. So often we are told by others that so
and so is like this. And when we meet that very person we discover they are like that.
Totally contradictory to what we were told. Because you don’t get on with that person
doesn’t mean that I won’t either. I prefer to make my own decisions thank you. I can get
on with just about everybody and so can you which means we’ll get on too. Today I get
along with a lot of my using friends and we have mutual respect and understanding. I
don’t see them often (for obvious reasons) but when we do get together I make sure it’s a
safe environment which they understand and hopefully one day they’ll join me in
recovery. I have very special relationships in my life, which I am blessed to have. From
family to friends and even ex-girlfriends and I thank you all for the lessons I’ve learnt.
I look at the relationship I have with my parents (yes 33 years old and living with mom
and dad since my divorce, not for to much longer, I’ll be on my feet soonest, another
reward of recovery), after all I’ve put them through they are still there for me. The trust
has been re-established and has become the foundation to our bond. We have our
differences every now and then. Soon I’ll be able to do for them what they have done for
me. We have a good understanding with a lot of love and respect. Two very special
human beings with strong characters and deeply rooted in principles and morals which I
have received from them and applied to my life. Mom and dad I may not show it as best I
can but I am grateful for all you’ve done for me in depriving yourselves so I can have.
Thank you and I love you. You guys are the best.
The relationship with my sister is strong and with us going through recovery together has
strengthened our ties. Even in active addiction we were close even though we used to
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take advantage of each other with emotional blackmail. Between my mom and my
brother-in-law they could write a best seller on coping and living with addicts. Just goes
to show what can be accomplished out of love, understanding and compassion.
In their sixteen years of marriage my sister was an addict for thirteen and my brother-in-
law never left her side and living with faith and hope that one day she’ll get better. And
she did and her relationship with her daughter has blossomed and grown. My mom,
having the same devotion to my dad, aided in his recovery too, all from understanding
addiction and the addict. There is a support group too for the family of addicts.
The relationship I have with my niece is like a big brother. She calls me Jason not uncle
and I wouldn’t have it any other way and in her eyes I can do no wrong. In my daughters
eyes I can do no wrong too and we have an incredibly strong father-daughter bond. An
amazing little girl.
Then I have a deep rooted friendship with my buddy Robin. It’s more than a friendship,
he’s the brother I never had and has always been there for me through thick and thin and
me there for him. I have brother-sister relationship with his sister Dalene and his mom
Vicky is like a mother to me too. Being so close they also felt the pinch of my active
addiction. Thank you to the Millers. Robin and my friendship started in high school in
1986 and we’ve been close ever since, my partner in “crime” and womanising. I have
many special friends in my life and I treasure our friendships especially Alan, his wife
Candice and Melanie, including you Miss-B to name but a few. Lots of lessons learnt
here in how true friendships work. And the friendships i have made with the people i
grew up with and went to school with most of which i till contact with today. Then there
are friends from active addiction who are genuinely good people and who’s names i
choose not to say. They know who they are
Now I come to my intimate relationships starting with my ex-wife, Brenda. Let me start
off by saying that I love short woman with dark hair and strong bodies. Abs and calves
are my weakness, turns me into putty (my mom says I’m not shallow but deeply shallow.
I have always been fortunate enough to date very attractive woman. Before I was married
steady relationships were not for me and again I appologise if I hurt any of you. Back to
Brenda who was a provincial gymnast so already she scored bonus points. The physical
attraction is always the initial attraction, once we get to know the person do we find out if
there is a future or not. When I first met Brenda she was timid and very shy and we
clicked. Slowly she started coming out of her shell as things started to progress. I got on
well with far family and her with mine. Over time we thought we were ready for
marriage (I had to stop the coke first, which I did and her family and mine had no idea of)
and tied the knot. I knew that she was insecure and possessively jealous and I thought
that they would go when we got married. I tried my best for her not to have any reason to
feel these emotions, and this was the start of our problems, instead of us being able to
work through them, all I did was accommodate her insecurities and gave them room to
grow. She found a good career and I got involved with the family business with my in-
laws, her mom and stepfather. I had a good relationship with both her father and
stepfather. Her dad lives in Johannesburg and her mom and stepfather in Cape Town.
Within the business they ran it from Cape Town I looked after the Gauteng region. We
manufactured and marketed cosmetics which were skin treatments from a doctor from
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London. It took off very well and there was lots of money to be made. Brenda, Jayde and
myself had everything. There were still parts of our marriage that needed attention and to
the outside world we seemed to be the perfect couple. All marriages have problems I
know, we just couldn’t get past her insecurities and jealousies, and I accept my
responsibilities for the marriage not working. We really did try to make it work. The
financial partner in the business crippled us and skipped the country, during the same
time myself and brother-in-law were trying to set up a business in America to market our
products there. We had sold everything we had and were ready to go. We pulled out of
the American deal weeks before it was to happen because we did not trust our partners
who were setting the American market up for us. To cut a long story short we were in
dire straights and had lost everything. Our marriage collapsed and there was nothing to
salvage, eventually Brenda and myself merely existed in the marriage. The last year was
traumatic for us and the drugs started to come back into my life. At first just ecstacy and
after the divorce I went off the rails. The divorce gave me excuses to use again and it
wasn’t long before I found the coke again and everything else, all within about eight
months of the divorce and I simply gave up. This lasted just over four years. The pain of
the divorce was unbearable, and I swore to myself that I would never go through or feel
that pain again, nor would I inflict it on anybody else. This would be immensely cruel
and heartless of me. I have no regrets about my marriage and Brenda and myself are good
friends today and I hold nothing against her. We had many good times together and
shared a lot of common interests. We both had a passion for motorbikes and we each had
a superbike. One experience I’ll never forget was when myself, Brenda and the rest of her
family (who also had bikes) all went to the buffalo rally together. An incredible weekend.
It’s strange how people come into your life at just the right time. Here I will introduce
you to three other woman who had a strong impact on my life and for the lessons each
one taught me. I’ll refer to them by the nicknames I gave them. They are Bunny, Fudgie
and Ross. The lessons I learnt from Bunny is that it is possible to love again and one must
not fear taking that chance in finding love (which brings to mind the saying it is better to
have loved and lost than to never to have loved at all). Being a Libran, I admire beautiful
things and am a hopeless romantic. I met bunny a few months after the divorce and I
wooed with flowers and poetry till she agreed to have supper with me and we hit it off
pretty well. She had just come out of a ten year relationship and she also learnt that life
with someone else is possible (didn’t have to be with me but with anybody whom she
wanted to) and we helped each other to get over the hurts and pains of our previous
relationships as best we could. At supper she told me that she had gone or an interview to
work in Dubai and did not want to get involved or hurt me. She got the job and we shared
an amazing few months together before she left. She knew about my using as we had met
in a club. We got on very well and I have some memorable times with her, eventually the
time had come for her to leave and she was off to Dubai for two years. I was devastated
at first but knew the drugs would sort me out. We kept in contact all the time and not
realising that the drugs were giving me a false sense of love. I was more in love with the
idea of being in love than I was in love with her. She hated Dubai and returned after six
months by which time I had gone through my grieving period with not a scar thanks to
the drugs. When she got back she told me she needed time and space and that was that. I
moved on and never pursued her as I was with my true love being the drugs. Bunny is a
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beautiful girl and a beautiful person, she is extremely motivated and driven and if we
were to have had a relationship when she returned from Dubai I would’ve held her back
from achieving her goals and ambitions. She deserved more than that I thank her for the
brief period in my life and for all she did for me. We bump into each other now and then
I’m glad to see how successful she is and is getting married at the end of the year.
Congrats Bunny and may you find all the very best that life has to offer.
The time period between Bunny and Fudgie was over a year and no relationships in
between other than with the drugs. Having a weakness for abs and calves I also find
maturity in a woman an extreme turn on and have gone out with some older woman in
the past. Hence, one of my attractions to Fudgie. I had known Fudgie in the past (before
the drugs during my little steroid binges) as we had a few common friends in the social
circles that we mixed in. One guy that she dated is still one of my best friends today. She
was a dancer (now get your minds out of the gutter, not a stripper but danced in
productions) so imagine the legs and abs on this girl. We bumped into each other one
night and rekindled our friendship. By this time I was trying my best to clean up and
relapsing all the time. She was very anti-drugs and I thought that if I got involved with
her then I would succeed in kicking the drugs, she had no idea about my addiction as I
could hide it well. Make no mistake, I was no idiot during active addiction and my mind
was sharp, just that my addicts mind was sharper, anyhow she was attracted to my
intellect and knowledge of the human mind, I have always been quite philosophical, I had
all the knowledge and wisdom of the human mind but was not strong enough to kick the
habit totally. The mind and body has always fascinated me and I read books on anatomy
and mind power often, also from training and cycling I had extensive knowledge of how
the body functions and how easily it can be manipulated. I’m going off on a tangent here
so coming back to Fudgie. She was a very bitter and angry person from being hurt from
relationships. I helped her work on this by changing her mind set and re-programming it
(affirmations work) and indirectly working on myself. I always knew that I would clean
up one day only never knew when. In working with Fudgie she was working with me as I
could see the changes in her. I still believed it would take a relationship to do the trick. I
pursued her and chased her thinking that she was my lifeline, things started progressing
between us and I was so desperate to clean up and I thought this is it. Thinking back as I
write this our relationship would never have worked and I confused our physical
relationship with that of a steady one. Neither of us were ready and an addict is incapable
of having a healthy relationship. We would have ended up hating each other, in writing
this I put principles before personalities in order for me to be honest. From Fudgie I
learnt a lot and most importantly that it would take me to clean up and no one else. Also
that self preservation is only applicable after the relationship is over and not during and to
be yourself so as the other person gets to know you completely so they can see you for
who and what you are. If you hide yourself in relationships they will never work. Today
Fudgie and myself are best of friends and am proud of her as to how far she has come.
She is also finding her spiritual path in life and is growing in leaps and bounds. She still
doubts herself every once in awhile, don’t we all? She has lost the anger side to her and
replaced it with a positive outlook on life and facing and dealing with her issues to
finding serenity. Well done Fudgie and thanks for your friendship. A stunning person
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with lots of potential to really make it in life (of which I have no doubt she will) and has a
lot to offer. All the best to you Fudgie in the future!
The points I’m making with these relationship stories is that only I could clean up for my
myself and no one else could get me to clean up as I thought. By the same token nobody
could make me relapse other than my self if it had to have happened, so let me continue
and tell you about Ross.
I was ten months into recovery and things were finally starting to take shape in my life. I
was working and my parents had helped me to by a car in their name, my mind focused
and I knew what I wanted out of life and with patience, tolerance, hope and faith I would
achieve it. I also knew exactly what attributes I was looking for in a girlfriend and I was
not prepared to get involved with someone for the hell of it, because I was lonely (yes
recovery can be lonely but you are not alone), also it would not be fair on the other
person. Ross and myself have a bit of history together which dates back to my cycling
days. She was this cute and spunky little beautician who used to wax my body and helped
me with my steroid induced acne problem (my back was bad, thanks Ross). She was also
very married which I respected. I would tease her and chat her up and she would put me
in my place time and time again. Very sharp this beautician is. A very honest and straight
forward friendship developed over the years and we got to know each other for who we
were. To cut along story short she got divorced then met someone else and moved to the
country while I had got married. During this time we had bumped into each other once
and it was like we had never lost touch. Years later and my tenth month of recovery she
bumped into my sister and asked me to give her a call. We met for coffee and she was
shocked at the sight before her and I could see it in her face (she should’ve seen me when
I started recovery, that would’ve been a shocker). With us always having an honest and
straight forward relationship I knew I didn’t have to hide anything from her and told her
about my drug addiction. We chatted for hours and reminist over the past and played
catch up. She hadn’t changed and got better with age. Coffee became supper and I was
smitten with her all over again. Within the first half an hour I knew that Ross was all I
was looking for and so much more. I behaved myself that night because I wanted to be
sure about this. We went to movies during that week and by the Saturday I knew, Ross is
the one and I sensed that she was developing feelings for me too. In that week we played
mind games feeling each other out. We connected on all levels and as our relationship
developed we agreed to take things slowly and see where it would lead us. She had been
hurt a few times in the past and did not want to repeat the same mistakes again. Recovery
had helped me deal with and overcome my issues in life and to let things happen
naturally, I was ready for this. Ross had a few reservations about us, one being that she is
five years older than me and thinking that one day I’ll look for someone younger which
had happened to women that she knew of. This would never happen as she was exactly
what I was looking for in a woman in every conceivable way and to fill her shoes would
take someone not of this earth. Two months into our relationship her self preservation
kicked in when she thought things were happening to quick and she did not want to open
herself up to being hurt and put the brakes on. Around this time my grandmother passed
away. This was tough on me but I stuck to my guns and did not relapse as now I had
plenty of using excuses. Two weeks later my grandfather passed away and instead of
using I stopped smoking (the mind is an incredibly strong tool if you apply it). At the
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time of my grandfather’s passing Ross and I agreed to be friends as the friendship was far
more worth saving than the relationship. Wasn’t long before we were back together. We
had tried to put boundaries and restrictions on us but they did not work, the universe had
other ideas for us. The bond that I had with her daughter and son was awesome and really
enjoyed our times together. I would fetch them from school every second Friday and the
afternoon would be our time. For Ross and myself to be able to make it meant that we all
had to get on with each other (myself and her children, as she put it, it was a package deal
and one that I gladly accepted as this is what I was looking for. We all got on well and I
missed being a dad). Ross and my relationship grew and progressed then took a wrong
turn somewhere with us putting so much pressure on each other that we “lost the plot” to
make it work. No relationship has a chance when either party applies pressure, let alone
both. We would listen to each other and not hear what the other one was saying and I
accept full responsibility for my part. Eventually Ross applied the brakes again when her
sense of self preservation kicked once more. We had the makings of a life long
commitment. The details of the failings are not important but it is a bitter pill to swallow
when someone you love in entirety walks out on you. Here was the woman of my dreams
who I had envisioned growing old and living a fulfilled life with, now gone. I know the
mistakes I made and I can’t go back into the past to correct them but I have grown from
them and life goes on. Ross, thank you for believing in me and encouraging me to write
this book for it’s been in my head for so long, and finally, here it is. We had opportunities
to make it work and I realise that we needed this time apart to deal with ourselves and
grow from this. From you I have learnt a lot. Thanks for being you and for your love and
support. From the relationship I learnt that it progresses at it’s own pace and no matter
what we do the progression is natural and we tried to go with the flow. My self
preservation kicked in afterwards and Ross’s during our time together. Relationships do
not work under pressure and we were unfair to each other, which brought us down. Being
powerless over people means we cannot force someone to do things against their will as
they need to make conscious decisions for themselves. The last few weeks have been
great and thanks for your understanding. You are a stunning, intelligent and amazing
person (not to mention extremely sexy), we have some very deep conversations which I
still enjoy and am glad that we have no regrets. My feelings for you have not changed
and you still rock my world Ross! I’ll never forget you.
As you can see by living life on life’s terms does not constitute a relapse. Relapses are
self inflicted by not taking responsibility for our own actions. My grandparents passed
away who were always there for me and I suffered a great loss along with the rest of my
family, I went through some rocky stages with Ross but my life is just as important as
everyone else’s. I’m not “captain recovery”, I’m just committed. With what Ross and
myself went through towards the end I was frustrated with myself and thought I could
have one cigarette and I’ll be fine. Nope. Still trying to quit again which I’ll get to in
chapter eight. Stay focused and committed and all is possible. They say we should avoid
intimate relationships in the first year as we are still trying to heal the relationship with
ourselves. My most important relationship is the one with my higher power who has
made this all possible. I have seen how having a personal relationship has changed my
life and the lives of all recovering addicts. Within time you will come to know this too!
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To my grandparents, Pat and Ernie, who have been an inspiration to me all my life.
Thank you. Rest in peace.
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Chapter 8
You
Stop the using, I know you can
I urge everyone, woman and man
Just for today I will not drug
On addiction I pull the plug
Do it and you’ll find
A serene peace of mind
As you recover
Yourself to discover
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Welcome to your recovery. This chapter is devoted to you, to make the decision by
admitting who you are and what you intend to do about it. I know it was not easy but well
worth the journey to self discovery. Addicts come and go as do dealers but the drugs will
always be. If you, the reader have never taken drugs then leave it at that and pat yourself
on the back. If you have been thinking of trying it? Please don’t! For some of us
fortunate one’s it’s a long and bumpy uphill climb back, a journey that many people
never had the privilage of accomplishing or finding. For the addict reading this book,
there is hope if you choose to recover. Do it and do it now. Tomorrow may never come.
To the straight person I hope you found this book to be informative and to better
understand addiction and the addict. Maybe even you managed to apply some of what
you read and understood to your life. What you have read are my thoughts and my own
personal philosophies on life which have helped me to get this far.
My family have been kind by letting me include their testimonies on condition that I give
to you the poems which I wrote for them as they hope it will inspire you as much as it did
them. So thank you to my dad (Albie), sister (Jodie) and couson (Kerryn). Living proof in
one family that it is possible and being done. I’m not an unreasonable person and am
willing to do this with you, the reader. I saw how easy it was to be addicted by lighting
that first cigarette after having quit for two months. So I’ll start, then you?
I, Jason Firmani, admit that I am powerless over my addiction to nicotine. I surrender my
will to my higher power (my god of my understanding) and pray for his will over me and
the knowledge to carry it out. Just for today I will put down the cigarettes and not pick
up. No matter what! This I promise to myself.
Now it’s your turn!
I, , admit that I am powerless over my addiction to
, I surrender my will to , just for today
, I will put down the
, and not pick up no matter what! This I promise
to myself. (do it for twenty one days and see?)
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Jodie
Wonderland
Hang in there my little sis
On your road to bliss
Who am I to point and judge
As you, over obstacles, now trudge
As you’ve seen, addiction does not discriminate
Yet, out of it only the strong will eminate
Through tears of sorrow and joy you’ll cry
When time answers to your question of why
Wonderland is not great
Simply a euphoric mind of state
A vehicle to leave reality
To withdraw in totality
Euphoria your mind to rape
Wonderland your place to escape
Reality is what is now
Endure the pain in appreciation of how
Kicking is half the battle won
Day at a time, no magic wand
Others have, others will, you can
You’re strong, stick to your plan
It is habitual to take
Now, habitual to forsake
Think it! Believe! Become it!
Just about you keep your whit
From out of the depths of despair
Comes your road to repair
Not alone, I to you do say
Be positive and in thanks to pray
As you draw strength from those around
Look for your lifeline it will be found
Listen to their stories and take to heart
Don’t sit one side to be apart
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We are all one and the same
Bonded and joined by guilt and shame
One for all and all for one
To defeat this battle that weighs a ton
Back to back, stand and fight
Kick it hard with all your might
This is poison, me it will kill
Don’t need it, to live I will
Every morning when you awake
These words I give you to take
Today, I will stay clean
Because it is what you mean
Yes, it’s hard I kid you not
But what it takes, you’ve got the lot
Stick around and pray, but do not fear
As humans, our only limitation’s to put our elbows in our ear
Jodie’s story:
As at today I am exactly 19 months clean and sober. I started my recovery in a rehab
because I never felt that I was capable enough of doing this recovery thing alone. In
rehab I was introduced to the 12 steps. My story starts about thirteen years ago when my
daughter was only around 1 and a half years old at the time. I had sinus problems and my
darling doctor told me to use sinutabs (the pink and white ones with codeine), for pain.
He said this was cheaper than getting script after script filled off my medical aid. I took
these for a good couple of months and then decided to have the sinus problem corrected
by having a nose operation. Up till now I had realised that these tablets took away the
pain and also at the same time made me feel really good. After the operation I remember
thinking well surely now I don’t need these tablets my operation is now done. I was only
home 24 hours and I felt that over whelming need to take a sinutab. Why did I feel this
way? It made no sense to me at all. Little did I know that I was well and truly physically
and mentally addicted to these tablets already. My mother went to my doctor and told
him that she suspected I had a “problem” with these sinutabs. Her chemist had told her
how much I was buying from them. They also suspected something. What did he do
about it? Just gave me more tablets when I saw him next and asked for them and I even
got them on a script to make it cheaper for me. It might even sound like I am blaming
him for my addiction but I am actually not. I just think that I resent him to a certain
degree for having introduced me to these death tablets. This was the start of my
downward spiral to “hell on earth”. I started off on about 2 tablets 3 – 4 times per day.
Soon this wasn’t enough anymore. Within a two year span I was taking a minimum of 8
tablets at a time up to 4 – times per day. My family realised I had a problem by now and
booked me into a government rehab . I was only there for two weeks and then discharged.
I don’t even think that I lasted 2 weeks out of rehab before going back onto my tablets at
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full steam ahead. Another two years went by. By now I couldn’t get through a day or
anything for that matter without my “fix”. I was once again put back into the same
government rehab and this time didn’t even make the two weeks to dry out. I felt so lost
by now that I new I had big trouble but I didn’t know how to cope with it. I was terrified
of the drugs but even more terrified of not having them. I was well and truly hooked.
Years and years of abuse of up to 60 tablets a day started taking its toll on my life. I tried
so many times to stop. Like cutting down, having my husband dispense less to me, hiding
them from myself. You name it I tried it. This all went on until approximately July 1998.
This is when the big trouble hit. You think by now that god it can’t get worse but guess
what it does and in a big big way. I had a very serious accident at work where I almost
died. I was operated on and after that I went through some very intense and painful
occupational and physio therapy on a daily basis for months. I was in pain for 24 /7. Of
course all the doctors were willing to give me anything I wanted because of it. Its around
this time that I discovered “cocktails”. Here I saw that if I mixed all the medication they
were giving me together I could go on a high of note and none of my ailments could
worry me. I was taking sleeping tablets, tranquilisers, sinutabs (as always) and valoids.
You name it and I took it. This went on for at least 6 months and it was in this time that I
started having memory blackouts. Its very scary let me tell you not to remember hours
that you lose out of your life. I had started losing weight after my accident and I wasn’t
well for long time and by now I had lost around 60kg. Around this time I had a nervous
breakdown, and ended up in a 5 star fancy ”mental hospital” for help. Ha ha I was dried
out for a couple of days and then I spent another two weeks there monitored by the
doctors. In this time I was put on a hole lot of new, good, heavy drugs. Wow it was great.
Anti-depressants, tranquilisers, heaviest sleeping tablets available. I was released and
took so many of these tablets mixed that that 30 days worth lasted me just under 7 days. I
was having a ball on all these legal drugs. It was at this time that I pawned all my and my
husbands jewellery worth at least r50 000 for around r5000. I needed cash because i had
certain chemists that would sell anything to me over the counter as long as it was cash.
No script needed. Anything I wanted I got from these chemists. Never a question was
asked as long as I paid cash no one cared. It was just after this that I had a very serious
brain seizure in front of my husband and my daughter. I came too in my bedroom with a
hysterical daughter, a terrified husband, and a very distraught mom and dad as well as a
room full of paramedics that had me hooked up to every machine they had. I spent the
night in hospital. I also never thanked my husband for saving my life as I thought when I
came too that he was trying to have me taken away against my will. I didn’t realise what
had happened to me so I just got paranoia and screamed at him like a raving lunatic
instead of thanking him. Of course this did not stop me. It was business as usual the very
next day as I got home. My husband tried locking up all my “stash” as he called it, in our
safe so that he could monitor what I was taking. Of course I was always to clever for him
and always had a back up plan in case of these “emergencies”, because he had tried to do
this to me many times before. In this period we also went to America on holiday. I took a
good 4 weeks worth of tablets with me. (100 rehypnols, 800 sinutabs, and 150 valods).
We would be away 3 and a half weeks and I did not want to run out. Needless to say I
went on a binge from the moment I hit that aeroplane seat and I finished my tablets
within the first 12 days of my holiday. I landed up in hospital in Kissimmee twice while I
was there with a bladder infection according to them. It turned out that I had a 1cm
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kidney stone in my right kidney and this was only discovered on our return to South
Africa. I could not get anymore tablets in America so I was well and truly out. They do
not sell codeine over the counter in America and no one would give me more than 20 on
a script. My holiday and everyone else’s around me turned into a nightmare. I could not
wait to get home. I was going through withdrawal and I was in pain in a strange country.
I was desperate and very miserable. The best holiday I could ever have wished for was
turning into hell for me – self induced of course. I was on a roller-coaster to hell and I
couldn’t stop it. I had to have surgery to get rid of the kidney stone and now I was even
getting pethadine along with everything else. A couple of months later I ended up in
another rehab. I was in Tara for about 3 months. The longest clean time I had had in
years. I went through hell but it did not stop me. No I only lasted 6 weeks out before I
was back on all my stash. This was now in the July of 2000. When I started up again I hit
the worst period ever in my life. From July 2000 – October 16 2000 I took so many
tablets that how I am still here today is truly a miracle. I was taking:
20 sinutabs, 4 valoids, 2 tranquilisers in the morning
20 sinutabs, 4 valoids, 2 tranquilisers at around 12:30
15 sinutabs, 2 valoids, 1 tranquiliser at around 3:00
30 sinutabs, 6 valoids, 2 tranquilisers at around 5:30
30 sinutabs, 4 valoids, 12 rehypnols at around 10:00
If I could not get rehypnols then I would take anything I could get my hands on. At this
time I was having panic attacks severely. I could not even function in any way as a
normal person. I was aggressive and very hysterical at times. I was blacking out so much
that I was losing 2/3 of my day everyday. Its not like passing out. To others you look like
you are there but it is as if your brain goes to sleep only so when you come around you
are still in the same place but you cannot remember what has happened in that blank
space of time. I started forgetting everything. I couldn’t remember things like numbers,
names, places I had been, or even things I had done. As an example one night my
husband went out to get us take-aways. He was only gone for about an hour. In this short
time I had a blackout. I came around alone and scared. I could not remember where my
husband was and I couldn’t remember his cell phone number to call him and ask him
where he was. He came home to a hysterical wife clueless to her surroundings. This went
on for weeks. My mom and dad were also at their wits end. My dad new about the twelve
step programme at one of the leading private rehabs. He asked me to phone the helpline. I
phoned this help line with a lot of skepticism. I spoke to 2 really great guys. They really
tried to help me but also told me that I couldn’t get well over the phone and I would have
to come to one of the narcotics anonymous meetings to start with the healing. I did not
want to go. I had become very reclusive by now and hated mixing with people. I was
pushed by my family and I went to my first meeting. I cried through the first half of that
meeting, (real dronk verdriet), talking rubbish and gibberish to anyone that would listen.
Then to add insult to injury I blacked out for around 10 minutes and came to not
remembering where I was or how to cope with where I was. I had a panic attack. I was
hysterical, it took 6 members to calm me and get me back to my husband waiting for me
in the car park. I didn’t even know how to get back to him on my own. My daughter at
this time was spending very little time with us at home. She spent most of her time with
my mom and dad. After I had that seizure she was terrified and she wouldn’t come home
too much. My husband did his best to keep her around but I was taking up so much of his
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time he just couldn’t cope with both of us. I can only thank god that my mom and dad
were also there to help give her a sort of “normal” life. It was at this time that I was
persuaded to go into the 12 step rehab. The day that I walked in I walked in a total wreck
of a human being. I went into rehab purely to get out of having to start a new job on the
Monday. I had been for an interview the previous week and had even got the job. When I
got home I didn’t even remember the interview or even the building I had been in. Yet I
still managed to con the person and get the job. Addicts can and are very devious people
when in active addiction. I didn’t really want the job my husband wanted me to get out
and have a life and he thought this job was what I needed. Once again ha ha. So to get out
starting this job I went into rehab on the Sunday. I may have gone in with this attitude but
let me assure you that my attitude did a 360 degree turn in the next 6 weeks. My first 10
days were hell on earth. I was going through a horrific physical as well as mental
withdrawal. They make it look rough on TV but let me assure you that it is 50 times
worse in real life when you are going through it. They had to put me on a special
medication called methadone to wean me in the first few days. If they don’t you can
actually have a heart attack and die, if left to go cold turkey from day one. I thought I was
not so bad because I was “only” on over the counter drugs. Little did I know that I was as
worse off as the heroine addicts and let me tell you it was horrific. There is no distinction
if you are taking street drugs or over the counter. Don’t fool yourself in believing
otherwise. Going through withdrawal in a room with 3 other heroin addicts trust me there
was no distinction. This was like nothing I had ever been through before. I was so angry
with myself for allowing things to come this far. In the second week I started getting
involved in my twelve step program that I was given. I started out with a lot of
skepticism. How could all this writing and talking possible help me and my problem?
How could this “just for today” stuff ever really mean anything to me or make a
difference in my life? All these questions my very much alive addict was battling to cope
with. It didn’t suit my addict. My addict in me wanted to doubt everything. It suited me
to. Boy was I wrong. Once I started and got into the work we had to do I realised that it
was making a huge difference to me. How I felt about myself. For the first time in years I
really had to look at myself. I had to disect every aspect of my life in every way possible.
I answered so many questions in my life. I found out why I was always so self destructive
and I was put on that long road to recovery with the tools I would need to walk that road.
One day at a time really did start to mean something to me. I realised that I had to take
my life and my recovery one second at a tome if necessary and not that no matter what I
could not pick up the drugs. No matter what I had to say no.
“no” to drugs. I realised that one is too many and a thousand will never be enough. I also
had to understand that all addictions go hand in hand and to keep truly on the right road I
had to stay away from all addictive behaviour including not drinking any alcohol. I had
never been any kind of an alcohol drinker but I realised that if I drank alcohol this could
lead me to crave my drugs. By not getting the high I would like to get through
Alcohol would make me crave the drugs of my choice. I realised even though I had never
thought about alcohol I could see how easy it would be to cross-addict to something like
alcohol. I heard how a lot of addicts cross addict very easily and I did not want that to
happen to me. So now I abstain from all mood and mind altering drugs and alcohol. It is
all so complicated and yet also all very simple too. Recovery has never been easy for me.
I really have taken each day as it has come to me, got through it and sometimes even
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enjoyed it. I still live with a lot of the consequences of my addiction. There are periods in
my life that I have totally forgotten.
I sometimes have no recollection of a lot of things that happened to me in active
addiction. I have had to accept that I did this to myself and I can get through life now
without drugs. As things come up now I have to deal with them with a sober and clean
mind. I have had many obstacles put in my way over the past 8 months but I have
managed to get through them one day at a time. I know that if I had not gone into rehab
when I did I am sure that I would not have made it to December 2000. I thank god that I
have taken stock of my life and am alive and not in Wespark Cemetary. I would like to
thank my husband, Vivian, for his tireless patience with me and for all his help in the
darkest time of my life, for the love and the understanding. I thank my mom and dad,
Cheryl and Albie, for helping me with my daughter when things were falling apart and
not to mention the unconditional love and support you showed me. To my grandparents,
Patsy and Ernie, that I lost in December 2001. Thanks for the hours of company that you
gave me in my height of addiction and also the love an the support you showed me. To
my brother, Jason, for standing by me as a comrade in my addiction and also for joining
me on this journey. Mostly to my darling daughter, Daniella, you endured years of a
mother that was never really there emotionally for you. You have grown up a beautiful
and talented girl despite me and I love you for it. I am glad you come home now and you
seem happy so I must have done something right. Thank you for your love and support
through some very difficult years.
You all helped me every inch of the way. You all never gave up on me. I thank you for
this and love you all very much. I am just glad that I have been given an extended lease
on life to make it up to all of you.
**The poem put in with my story was written for me by Jason and given to me in rehab.
It kept me going during a very hard time in my life. Thanks Jason.
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To Kerryn:
To our own lives are we the authors
Yet in life both students and tutors
For to half we learn
The rest we earn
From the twelve steps you will find
Times when you were hard and kind
Times when you were happy and sad
Times when you were calm and mad
The twelve steps offers a new foundation
To be applied in daily application
For gambling too is an addiction
No known cure only arrestation
Step 1 is the crux to it all
Admit powerless so as never to fall
In life things happen for a reason
Never as clear as the changing of a season
As family we often take each other for granted
As sure as the farmer knows what he’s planted
But out of the blue a storm appears
And what was always sure now disappears
Not gone and forgotten
But a time of separation to grow and reflect on
As we all have now come together again
Our family bonds to strengthen and deepen
For in that time we were apart
Gave us the experiences needed for this rejuvinated start
For each to help and to show
What’s required for our family to grow
No resentments or regret
Just true faith on each other to bet
United we stand, divided we fall
Never to a no answer call
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Friends come and friends go
Some have gone to a place we don’t know
But family lasts till the end
A promise at birth on which we depend
To motivate, help and encouragement for you
A foundation of support in times of feeling blue
A collective of experiences learnt to share
For each other to nurture and care,
Love Jason
Kerryn’s story:
Hello, my name is Kerryn and I am a compulsive gambler. I am a 33-year-old mother of
2. I wanted to write about what happened to me, because it may help others not to
become like myself and if this could help at least one person, I know then that my life is
changing for the better.
I had a perfectly happy childhood and have a wonderful family so I cannot blame
anything or anyone in my life, for where I am now, except myself. I started like so many
others. Going to the casinos every now and then, my parents and family being avid
gamblers, I would often join them, spending a small amount of money. Even though they
did introduce me to casinos, I must say that in no way are they responsible for my lack of
control. The more times I won, the more times I would visit the casino. I had my
favourite machines that I played. I would actually get upset if i went in and someone else
was playing my machine. Then quiet a few casinos opened a lot closer to home. I then
started spending a lot more time at the casino’s. I would go for an hour after work and
started lying to my family about my whereabouts and the amounts of money I was
spending. I have two small children who needed me and as much as I hate admitting it to
myself, I began to spend too much time away from them. While I was at home with them,
I was planning my next “escape” to the casino. I would also then feel very guilty and buy
them things to try to appease my guilt. My husband often knew I was going to the
casino’s but he had no idea of the amounts of money I was spending or where I was
getting it from. I would leave my bank cards at home with him, but in the meantime, I
had applied to various banks for credit cards, which he did not know about, and
eventually got us into a very bad financial state of affairs. Still this did not stop me. I
clearly remember walking out of the casino, hating myself and wishing I could die on the
way home so that this would all end. In fact once, I actually drove home through red
traffic lights, hoping someone would smash into my car and end this all. I knew I had a
problem but did not want to do anything about it, because then I knew I could never go
into another casino again. I was going to a casino at least 5 times a week. At times my
husband would go to the casinos with me. I would give him some money and he would
go off and play. See, this way he never saw how much money I was spending. I lost the
respect of my husband and had no friends anymore as I was always letting them down!
This I could not bare.
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A very good friend of mine, became the person who I have to thank for getting me onto
the right path. She and I had not spoken for years but it just so happened that she
contacted me after going through hell herself now being a member of NA. She told me all
about her recovery and is such a beautiful person, someone I hope to become one day. I
started confiding in her and eventually she convinced me to “come clean” with my
family. That evening, I don’t know how it happened, but I told all to my husband. He
only looked at me, very hurt and said that he knew what was happening but could do
nothing, he said that he was just waiting for it all to end, he thought, through a divorce
and us loosing everything. I cannot tell you how hard it was to tell him what I had been
doing and to see the look in his eyes, but the immense relief once it was all out in the
open was huge! The next morning I phoned my folks and told them, my mother and I
having a very close relationship. I knew she would blame herself and would have done
anything to convince her that in no way was she to blame. I then contacted the help line
and after speaking to that “angel” for over an hour, phoned our local gamblers
anonymous group and found out where the meetings were. I remember my first meeting,
sitting outside of the centre, and thinking of every reason why I should not go inside.
Eventually, I got out my car and went into the meeting. I remember bursting out into tears
as I walked in, feeling so humiliated and hating myself. The people there were nothing
but nice to me and made me feel comfortable to be there and welcomed me. To each and
every person there, I truly thank you. It has now been 4 months since I have gambled and
I must say that the first few months very indeed very hard. I found myself one evening
begging my mom to take me to a casino and eventually, she talked me out of it. I then
made use of the “phone list” given to me at GA and now I can say, that it has become so
much easier. To phone someone who knows what I am going through helped and still
does. Not only did they help me to stop gambling, slowly they are helping me become a
better person and to start liking whom I am. In no way and I at the end of the road, but I
now have become addicted to getting well and to start becoming a better person. You do
not realise how much you miss while being controlled by the disease and how much you
gain once you start arresting it.
Although I have not gone into the “nitty gritty” details of how bad a person I became
whilst gambling and what terrible things I did, believe you me, if you have thought about
it, I did it and still hate myself for it, but the one thing I wake up feeling each day is that
“today” I will try to make a difference.
To each of you who have supported me through this time, whether it is family or friends
or fellow GA members, I can only thank you from the very bottom of my heart and hope
each one of you know how very much I do appreciate you.
Most of all i thank my husband and two boys and my mother, who have never given up
on me and continue to support and encourage me daily.
Update:
It is now 13 months that I am clean, and I must say that the road has been long and hard
but I feel that without attending my weekly GA meetings and doing the intensive 12-step
program, I certainly wouldn’t have made it thus far. These things have become my
“insulin” and have also shown me how I can become a better person. The support you get
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at these groups is immeasurable and since the first day of being clean, my life has taken a
turn for the better.
Albie’s story:
25th
august 1993, the first day of the rest of my life. I attended my first gamblers support
group meeting and realised that I am not unique and the terrible person I thought I was as
I suffered from an illness that cannot be cured, only arrested. And so started my long
recovery. As I write this testimony it is eight years and nine months to the day that I
attended my first meeting. And man do I feel good due to the twelve step programme! I
tried various forms of gambling, poker, faa fee, horse racing and casino’s and ended up a
loser.
My recovery started at my first meeting when I said “hello, my name is Albie and I am a
compulsive gambler”. As you are aware as an addict we are the best liars, con artists and
dreamers in the world. May be 2nd
to politicians. The lengths we went to, to get money to
feed our addictions, being a gambler is not as noticeable as an alcoholic or drug addict.
As the addiction grows we undergo a change in personality which we cannot notice, but
our families do and as a result suffer extensive damage.
I broke the trust my wife had in me, a hurt which may never be overcome, only time can
heal this feeling of being let down by your loved one. Cheryl never turned against me as
she continued to give her love and support. The most important “medicine” necessary to
my recovery from being a compulsive gambler to living a 100% gambling free life. I love
you Cheryl, my blessing from god. Without your love and support, who knows what
might’ve happened to me?
Over the years I have applied the twelve step program in my recovery. I never missed a
meeting for the first six years. I still attend meetings today to remind myself of my illness
and continue on my road to recovery. Cheryl and my family are still there supporting and
encouraging me everyday.
I still do it one day at a time. I know my testimony at meetings has helped many
gamblers and their families to recover from addiction and to gain respect and trust again.
In closing I would like to thank Cheryl for her love and support, Ajay, Michelle,
Ingrid, Tony, Peter and Poobie who have helped me in my recovery since my first
meeting.
The 25th
August 1993 was my daughter’s birthday and I was so broke that I could not
even afford a birthday card. Michelle gave me a red rose tied with a ribbon to give to
Jodie. I made a promise to myself that this would never happen in my life again.
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Recovery from an addiction is a long, painful road to travel without the support from my
wife, family and my support group. I thank my god, my higher power, for my recovery
and big thank you to all who cared.
Albie
25-05-2002
There you have it. Proof that recovery is possible and more importantly that it is for life
and it all starts once you have accepted and acknowledged it for yourself that you are an
addict, irrespective of your addiction.
And we (you) all lived happily ever after in recovery!!!!!
The end
Or is it………………..