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Lesson 6 – Dating and Mate Selection

Robert Wonser

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Dating

Dating as we know it developed in the 20th century. It is a practice in which people meet and participate in activities together in order to get to know each other.

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Filtering

When we see people we filter them as either being in or out of our pool of eligibles.

Filtering is the process of identifying those we interact with as either being in or out of our pool of people we might consider to be a date or mate.

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Forming Relationships, Selecting Mates

The process of selecting mates is largely determined by society

Two concepts (homogamy and propinquity) tell us a lot about how this process works.

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Forming Relationships, Selecting Mates

Homogamy means “like marries like,” and is demonstrated by the fact that we tend to choose mates who are similar to us in: class, race, ethnicity, age, religion,

education, and even levels of attractiveness.

Propinquity is the tendency to marry or have relationships with people in close geographic proximity.

Jerry Falls in Love with ‘Himself’

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What about the effect of new technologies?

Propinquity is logical; we are likely to find possible mates among the people in our neighborhood, at work, or at school.

The internet makes courtship and romance possible across much greater geographical areas, as we can now meet and converse with people in all parts of the world, so our pool of potential mates moves beyond local bounds.

But even this technology may intensify homogamy by bringing together people with very specific interests and identities.

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We Like Those Like Ourselves

The similarity principle states that the more similar two people perceive themselves to be, the more likely their relationship will continue and succeed.

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Signs of AttractionSigns of Attraction

increased pulse rate & blood pressureincreased pulse rate & blood pressurerapid breathingrapid breathingtensed muscles & better posturetensed muscles & better postureblushing/flushedblushing/flushedagitationagitationeyeseyesbody orientation and distance body orientation and distance

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Why do you date?Why do you date?

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What do you personally look for in a What do you personally look for in a date?date?

Specific characteristics (physical or Specific characteristics (physical or otherwise)otherwise)

Who influences this?Who influences this?

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Personal AdsPersonal Ads

If you were to write a personal If you were to write a personal ad, how would you describe ad, how would you describe yourself and what you have to yourself and what you have to offer?offer?

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Sexual Aggression and Dating Sexual Aggression and Dating ViolenceViolence

Verbal Sexual CoercionVerbal Sexual Coercion-using verbal coercion to obtain sex-using verbal coercion to obtain sex

Date RapeDate Rape-forcing of involuntary sex-forcing of involuntary sex

Progression of ViolenceProgression of Violence-verbal aggression may progress to -verbal aggression may progress to physical aggressionphysical aggression

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Avoiding Date RapeAvoiding Date Rape

go to a public placego to a public placeshare expenses so you don’t owe himshare expenses so you don’t owe himavoid drugs and alcoholavoid drugs and alcoholdon’t leave drinks unattended don’t leave drinks unattended avoid ambiguous verbal and non verbal avoid ambiguous verbal and non verbal

behaviorbehaviorbe forceful and firmbe forceful and firmif things get out of hand, be loud, leave, get if things get out of hand, be loud, leave, get

helphelp

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Applying TheoryApplying Theory Exchange TheoryExchange Theory

AssumptionsAssumptions We maximize rewards while minimizing costsWe maximize rewards while minimizing costs If rewards are greater we choose that mateIf rewards are greater we choose that mate If costs are greater we move onnIf costs are greater we move onn Costs and rewards are determined by the Costs and rewards are determined by the

actor, not the observeractor, not the observer ApplicationApplication

Abusive relationshipsAbusive relationships

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Applying TheoryApplying TheoryStimulus-Value-Role TheoryStimulus-Value-Role Theory

AssumptionsAssumptionsThe exchange is mutual and dependent upon the The exchange is mutual and dependent upon the subjective assets and liabilities each person brings to subjective assets and liabilities each person brings to the relationshipthe relationship

StimulusStimulusTrait that draws your attentionTrait that draws your attention

ValueValueWhat is desirableWhat is desirable

RoleRoleBeing a boyfriendBeing a boyfriend

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Applying TheoryApplying Theory

Stimulus-Value-Role TheoryStimulus-Value-Role TheoryApplicationApplication

You see someone in class and the stimulus You see someone in class and the stimulus is that you think he is cuteis that you think he is cute

Sit next to him and talk to him after classSit next to him and talk to him after classDrop a pencil to see if he picks it up for youDrop a pencil to see if he picks it up for you In talking you find he is a conservative just In talking you find he is a conservative just like you-valueslike you-values

After a while you start to date-roleAfter a while you start to date-role

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