How to Turn a Hated Colleague in an Ally final

Follow us @PosIgnition www.positionignition.com

How to Turn a Hated Colleague into an Ally

A person’s individual make-up plus the environment they inhabit in their life are two things that coalesce to make a combination unique to them. There is the uniqueness of the way somebody is and also of their current situation. At any time, therefore, they could be happy, sad, stressed, or whatever. Those two factors make the person, any person. Although our DNA doesn’t change, we are transitioning into different environments all of the time, partly because we’re aging and partly because we’re moving through the different stages of life; such as young adulthood, marriage, empty-nesting and so on. It’s always important to remember this, whenever we encounter someone new in life, be they a co-worker, neighbor, in-law or a friend’s acquaintance. It takes at least two people to have a battle. In a situation where you have hatred between the two of you, it’s not appropriate for you to say “it’s nothing to do with me, I didn’t do anything” because while it may well be that the other person possibly has their own immaturity or hang ups to deal with, they may just not like you. They may not like the way you look or they might be jealous of you, your situation, possessions, education…you just don‘t know. Whatever it is, it creates a tension. 1. Use Creative Tension

Creative tension is where something positive is taken from a tense situation. It is very important in a work context yet quite often people veer away from it. In recruitment we tend to recruit ‘nice’ people who think a little bit like us. In truth, great companies and great teams can be found not simply where there’s tension but where the importance of tension is recognized. When turning a hated adversary into an ally, you move around this pivotal point of tension.


2. Be Self-Aware

Look at areas where you are strong but also admit there are some areas where you’re not so strong and need to therefore give leeway to others. Don’t try and fake what you’re good at as people will see through you and be antagonized if they feel you’re building yourself up to be someone you’re not. Be it at work, home or play people will respect you more if you acknowledge your weaknesses, ask for help and work on areas for improvement than if you just ignore said weaknesses.

3. See the Good

Believe that everyone has something to give. Its’ so easy for us to be quick to judge, be competitive, see everything as black and white. But there is not much place for that when we’re trying to build relationships with co-workers, new relatives or really anyone we come into contact with on a regular basis.

4. Make a Spidergram

A color-coded spidergram, or mindmap, of your different networks can help you identify problem areas. Color each individual in each network with either a cold or warm tone depending on whether you hate them or not. Look for clusters of the same type of color and ask yourself what you can do to turn things around in that particular network. Noticing patterns of hate clustered in the same place is a useful way of analysing the situation, especially if you’re particularly visually literate.

5. Don Their Shoes

Put yourself in the position of the person. Try and understand who they are and what is going on in their world. Be curious. As we know, we’re the world’s expert on ourselves, so the more you ask someone about themselves and encourage them to open up the more likely you are to find out about them. There’s no need to dive into their life history straight away. Start with polite, open questions such as “how was your vacation?” or “you look nice, where have you been?”

6. Dig Sensitively

Alternatively you can gain an increased understanding of the individual by doing a little bit of sensitive digging and by asking others what’s going on with the individual.


It is possible to do this without being gossipy—don’t put words in people’s mouths but simply let them tell you the facts. In some cases you can know someone for 20 years and not know what they’re going through right now if you don’t mine for information.

7. Find Common Ground

Find similarities in experience—be it school hobbies, or a band you both like, or your system of values. Perhaps you didn’t realize that this individual has been helping homeless people at a place of religious worship for the last 10 years - and maybe they didn’t know that you volunteer at a soup kitchen for the homeless! By looking beneath the surface, you may recognise a different person.

8. Stay Calm

If you’re about to clash with someone, just take a deep breath. Be more conscious of your surroundings - and what the consequences of your actions will be- rather than being self-conscious. If someone says something that really annoys you, try not to react. This will escalate the situation and increase the heat.

9. Ignore Minimizers

There are people who are very fond of minimizing themselves—i.e. playing down their strengths. But then there are the people who deliberately go out of way to minimize others to make sure they, the minimizer, gets more attention or kudos or whatever. It might the mother-in-law who comes to stay and is aghast that the hoovering isn’t done or your child’s friend who comes to play and disregards house rules.


The key to ignoring minimizers is to remember not to take it personally. The more time you spend with these people, the more you’ll realize they do it to others too.

10. Express Gratitude

Letting someone know you appreciate them is one of the simplest things to do but can also be one of the most powerful and quickest way to turn their opinion of you around. Simply saying “thank you for sending out that report/email; it was really informative” or “thanks for organizing this event; it’s great fun” can make someone’s day and get them thinking about their relationship with you from a different, more positive perspective.

This checklist has been created by Position Ignition Ltd, one of the UK’s leading career consulting companies.

Please contact [email protected] for more information or to suggest additional resources.

How to Turn a Hated Colleague in an Ally final

Documents

Transcript of How to Turn a Hated Colleague in an Ally final