CHILDREN SHARING in household duties—willingly,without a sponge being thrown at them—soundsterrific. But getting there is a long and, yes, messyprocess—one that often doesn’t seem worth it.Not only do you have to teach them how to loadthe dishwasher but you also have to wrestle withthe following: Is it important that they load it likeyou do? How long do you nag until you just do ityourself? And is it the best use of their time whenthey get home late from debate practice and havemounds of homework? Here’s the thing: Cleaningis a crucial life skill. “Research shows that doingchores as a child is a predictor of professional suc-cess. If we don’t teach children that life requires awillingness to do crummy stuff, we are not givingthem the tools it takes to thrive,” says Julie Lyth-cott-Haims, the author of How to Raise an Adult,who, as Stanford University’s dean of freshmen,started noticing that her incoming students werelacking in practical skills. She discovered that par-ents—like her—who failed to teach their kids topitch in were partly to blame. “We are doing toomany mundane tasks for them,” she says, “want-

How to finally—seriously, we mean it,

for real this time—getyour kids to clean up

You’ve tried bribes and chartsand screaming at the top of

your lungs. But don’t throw inthe towel (or, ahem, hang it

up for him) just yet. Here’s howto make the training stick.

Written by Sharlene Breakey

Illustrations by Gwen Keraval

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ing to be loved, trying to makelife easier.”

Foisting those duties on your kidswill be difficult—at first. Keep twothings in mind. First, cleaning choresneed to be second nature. “If it’s ahabit, it ceases to be a source ofconflict,” says Gretchen Rubin, theauthor of Better Than Before:Mastering the Habits of Our Every-day Lives. That means it needs tobe easy. (Won’t put a coat on ahanger? Buy a hook.) Second, don’tbe a tyrant. Have an all-for-onevibe where everyone pitches inbecause he or she is part of a family,not because Mom will yell if youdon’t. “Kids need to know that theirhelp is valued. So appreciate it.When there’s less shame and guilt,kids tend to get with the program,”says Laura Markham, Ph.D., a clinicalpsychologist and the author ofPeaceful Parent, Happy Kids. If theydon’t? Blame the plan, not the kids.You may be expecting too much forwhere they are developmentally. (Orthe hook is just too high.) These tipswill help ensure that your dirty workhas long-lasting results.

TODDLERS

TE ACH THEM TO…Hang up coats, pull up bedding, put clothesin hamper, bring plates to sink.Toddlers think of work as play, making this theideal time to turn what they’ll think of as drudgerylater into habits now. “Toddlers don’t have aninternal sense of time or sequence. Putting a toyaway so they can find it later isn’t a reward. Butfollowing routines gives them a sense of calm,”says Tovah Klein, the director of the BarnardCollege Center for Toddler Development and theauthor of How Toddlers Thrive. Use that to youradvantage. Institute consistent tasks that youguide them through at the same time each day.

“They also feel a sense of accomplishment, whichdevelops independence,” says Klein.

FOR BEST RESULTS…KEEP IT FUN. Wearing underwear on your headwhile you race them to the dresser is a surefireway to get them interested. “And don’t get exas-perated if they can’t manage,” says Laura S. Kast-ner, Ph.D., a clinical professor of psychiatry at theUniversity of Washington and the author of Get-ting to Calm: The Early Years. Power strugglesequal the end of cooperation, so if they balk, don’tdig in your heels. Instead, have fun giving them anassist. “Your goal is to establish a routine so that

someday it’s autopilot,” she says.SAY IT OUT LOUD. Repeat little man-tras. “Say, ‘When we come in, wehang up our coat. When we eat din-ner, we put the dish in the dish-washer. When we take our bath, weput laundry in the hamper.’ In time,they will lead the way,” says Klein.MAKE THEM MINI ME’S. Toddlers willdo almost anything that involvesimitating you. Amy Palanjian, theauthor of the Best of Yummy Tod-dler Food books and blog, says, “Icut sponges in half to fit my three-year-old’s hands, and she helps mewash dishes. You’d be surprised athow good little hands are at gettingmeasuring cups clean.” Or buy a kid-size laundry basket that lets themfold and carry a load. When it’s timeto scrub the bathroom or kitchen,give toddlers their own caddy, filled

WHAT IF…You’ve been doingeverything for your kidsfrom Day 1. (Isn’t thatbeing a loving mom?)And now they’re tweenswho don’t know wherethe hamper is.It’s never too late to startteaching them, says JulieLythcott-Haims, whosekids were also tweenswhen she stopped wait-ing on them hand andfoot: “Sit them downand, in a tone neithermean nor apologetic,say, ‘You are old enoughto help out.’ When mykids asked why, if it’s soimportant, we neverasked them to helpbefore, we said, ‘That’sour mistake. But youneed to learn thesethings, and it’s our jobto help you do it.’ ”

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ELEMENTARY-SCHO OL KIDS

TE ACH THEM TO…Put away coat and backpack, pick up toys, cleartable and load dishwasher, wipe out bathroomsink and tub, vacuum, dust, clean toilet.

“Kids this age like learning and becoming compe-tent at stuff,” says Kastner, which makes it a greattime to add some more complex jobs, like vacu-uming, that go beyond picking up their ownthings. Even if you have a housekeeper, kidscan still learn to scrub a toilet before companycomes and wipe out the tub after a bath. Onecaveat: “Young kids want to become mastersof their own universe,” says Kastner. “It’s yourjob to make tasks achievable for them. This isthe age when parents can get into trouble. Youmay have been asking nothing of your kids andsuddenly jump from zero to one hundred. Goslow and steady.”

FOR BEST RESULTS…BREAK IT DOWN. Parsing jobs intoeasily visualized steps helps chil-dren have more ownership overthe process. Kids don’t know whatto do when you tell them to “tidy”their rooms, so write down a con-crete list of three or four steps—put dirty clothes in hamper; hangclean clothes; dust top of dresser—that they can follow, says Kastner:

“This helps organize the task intheir minds.”PUT LIKE WITH LIKE. When setting upa child’s bedroom or playroom, orga-nize it by zones. “Decide together onthe three to five activities that theydo in the room,” says Julie Morgen-stern, the author of Organizing Fromthe Inside Out. “Then store every-

with little brushes and cloths, sothey feel as if they’re pitching in,says Becky Rapinchuk, the founderof CleanMama.net. (She makes akid-safe cleaning spray with 1 cupwater, 1⁄4 cup vinegar, and up to 20drops of lemon or orange essentialoil.) It also promotes a team mental-ity—that everyone helps clean thehouse, not just grown-ups.COPY PRESCHOOL. Once your childstarts school, he’ll have a set of rou-tines for picking up the classroom.Use them. “Why have a wholenew way to hang jackets, clear thetable, or store blocks?” asks Kastner.Instead, try to capitalize on thecubby system and buy similar stor-age bins. You can even learn theschool’s cleanup song.

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thing where they do it for easycleanup.” You might not think toput small plastic sea creatures andMagna-Tiles together, but to the childwho spends hours building geomet-ric, shark-powered submarines, thecombination makes perfect sense.DON’T WORRY ABOUT WHERE THINGSREALLY “GO.” Extend the activity-zone idea to the whole house. Sayyour kids do homework at the coun-ter while you cook. Don’t make themstore textbooks and school suppliesat their desks. Instead, give them ashelf in a kitchen cupboard for thebooks. “I put trays on the countertop,and that’s where the supplies live,”says Barbara Reich, a professionalorganizer and the author of Secretsof an Organized Mom.

RETHINK RECYCLING. Tidying up after an elemen-tary-school homework project or a group artdate can send kids into a tailspin. “Worksheets,coloring paper, tiny cut-up scraps—it’s all hard topick up,” says Amanda Wiss, the founder of theorganizing firm Urban Clarity. She recommendsputting recycling bins wherever your kids workso they can throw away as they go. Make it some-thing cute (an old wooden apple crate or a bas-ket) to make you happy.CALL FOR A TEAM CLEAN. When kids are asked tohelp with the weekly cleaning of bathrooms orbedrooms, they are certain to get distracted. It’snormal. So instead of asking everyone to tacklehis own room, make your way from bedroom toliving room as a family—a single, unstoppablecleaning force. “One person fluffs pillows; anotherdusts,” says Morgenstern. “Meanwhile, you canmonitor the work and set the tone and energylevel.” Bonus: You finish way faster.

WHAT IF…Your kids clean up but leave you withstreaked mirrors and a jumbled dish-washer—and you’re a neat freak.“Do not reload the dishwasher in theirpresence,” says Markham. “Kids need tofeel like their contributions are valued.”That said, you can teach as you go, asa collaboration. Says Markham: “Say,‘Great, you cleaned the mirror. Youknow, there’s a streak right where myface is. Let’s try a paper towel on that.’”

You stopped fighting your sonabout keeping his room clean. Butnow it smells, and there are crustycereal bowls everywhere.Before you tell a child that you won’tpoke your nose in his bedroom, setground rules. For example: If you’regoing to eat in your room, bring out thedishes every night or face conse-quences. Waking him up early to scrubcereal bowls will have an impact.

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T WEENS

TE ACH THEM TO…Do all of the above, plus anyother routine household task theyhaven’t yet learned, like moppingthe floor or doing laundry.

“By the time kids are 11 and 12,they are sensitive to how otherssee them,” says Markham. “Thatmakes them more interested intheir appearance, but also in theirhome.” Of course, their standardswill be different from yours (see thenext page about leniency when itcomes to the bedroom). But thiscan be an opening for chores—doinglaundry or organizing the closet—that play to a desire to present theirbest selves.

FOR BEST RESULTS…ASSIGN A DRAWER. Makeup, deodor-ant, acne lotion. Middle schoolerswith their changing bodies collectlots of flotsam—and it all lands onthe bathroom sink. Clear a drawer orprovide a basket for them to dumpit all. And toss in some cleaningwipes for the sink while you’re at it,says Jeanie Engelbach, the founderof ApartmentJeanie.com.MAKE ROOM FOR EXTRA TOWELS. Your

little Narcissus suddenly needs onefor her body, two for her hair? AddS hooks to the towel rod so there’sroom for all to hang side by side.TIME ’EM. Even kids who have beenclearing dishes for years will balk astheir homework load increases. Butit takes less time than they (and,frankly, you) think that it does, soset a timer for proof. “Bet them theycan’t get the job done in 10 minutes,”says Wiss. If they don’t quite make it,see if they can come up with tricksfor shaving off a minute or two, thentry again the next night.CREATE A DONATIONS BIN. Getting ridof old toys and too-small clothes iscrucial for keeping a house clean,but persuading a kid to spend all ofSaturday morning going throughstuff is a long shot. Instead, have aspot in the house where they canput things as they decide they’rethrough with them. Allowing kidsto purge on their own terms givesthem a sense of control, says Wiss.MAKE A PUNCH CARD. Fun still mattersat this age. Wiss suggests customiz-ing loyalty business cards at a sitelike Zazzle.com, then giving them apunch each time your kid takes onan onerous chore. Reward: a doublechocolate-chip Frappuccino.

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TEENAGERS

TE ACH THEM TO…Do all of the above, plus bigger jobs,like cleaning the garage, and tasksthey’ll need to know how to do incollege. (Disinfecting a mini fridge?)By now, your teens may be moreor less in the habit of putting awayhomework, clearing dinner, andeven vacuuming on weekends. Sogo ahead and toss in an extra jobnow and then. “They need to getused to the idea that in life your bosswill ask for more than your jobdescription,” says Kastner. Just don’tblow your top when you find themtexting, not sweeping. “Teens getdistracted by whatever is in front ofthem. They’re not being jerks—it’sbiology,” says Frances Jensen, M.D.,a professor of neurology at theUniversity of Pennsylvania and theauthor of The Teenage Brain. That’sbecause a teen’s frontal lobes (thepart of the brain governing empathy,judgment, and cause and effect)aren’t fully developed yet. They stillneed clear directions—and patience.

FOR BEST RESULTS…FACE FACTS. Your teen simply doesn’thave the ability to ignore messagesfrom friends while doing a boringtask. Instead of lashing out (or givingup), gently nudge him back to real-ity. “I’m not saying be lenient—justtreat teens like a hybrid betweenchild and adult,” says Jensen.STAY OUT OF THEIR SPACE. Constantlyfighting about his bedroom? Shutthe door. “Our kids’ rooms are theirdomain, where they get a break,”says Lythcott-Haims. Morgensternagrees: “Their lives are complicatedand in transition, and their spacereflects that. What looks messy to usmight make perfect sense to them.”LAY IT OUT. Teens aren’t big extrapo-lators. If there’s a multistep taskbefore them, like tidying afterfriends leave, list what needs to be

done. “Put your arm around themand say, ‘OK, so we need touncrumple the rug, put the afghanback on the couch, and scoop upthe snack wrappers,’” saysMarkham. When they come backwith “Ugh! I’ll do it later!” remindthem that it will take only a minuteand it’s not fair to others to leavecommon rooms a mess. “Teens arenot uncaring—they’re just otherwiseoccupied,” says Morgenstern.DON’T TALK, POINT. When tensionsrun high, reminding your teen towash the dishes might be the flamethat ignites the fireworks. Kastnersuggests listing agreed-upon taskson a whiteboard. “If you’ve beenclear about consequences, you canjust point to the board and say, ‘Thisis your reminder. I want you to besuccessful so that you don’t loseyour phone,’” she says. “That’s verydifferent karma from nagging.”

WHAT IF…You only want to knowthe all-age, every-room,no-fail cleaning tools youshould buy in bulk.The simple answer:Hooks. For coats in theentryway, towels in thebathroom, and jeans youcan’t get your son tofold, every expert weasked offered this solu-tion. They also men-tioned: Boat totes. Theycome in all sizes, they’resturdy, and their rolecan evolve, from storingtoys to carrying laundry,says Jeanie Engelbach.Labels, whether it’sSharpie on washi tape orfrom a label maker. Kidsneed easy clues aboutwhere to put stuff. Trashcans. Not just in thekitchen but by their bedsand the couch, too. “Ifkids have to walk acrossthe room, gum wrappersdon’t get thrown away,”says Barbara Reich.

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