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Simpsons TM, created by Ma~ Groening, is the copyrighted and trademarked property of Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation. Used with permission . All rights reserved.

THE SIMPSONS LIBRARY Of WISDOM THE HOMER BOOK

Copyright 2004 by Bongo Entertainment, lnc. and Ma~ G roening Productions, lnc. All rights reserved.

Printed in China . No part of this book may be u sed or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critica! articles and reviews. For information address

HarperCollins Publishers lnc., 1 O East 53rd Street, New York, NY 1 0022.

HarperCollins books may be purchased for educational, business, or sales promotional use. For information please write:

Special Markets Department, HarperCollins Publishers lnc.,

1 O East 53rd Street, New York, NY 10022.

ISBN 0-06- 111661-0 11 12 13 SCP 10 9 8 7

Publisher: Matt Groening Creotive Director: Bi ll Morriso

Managing Editor: Terry Delege Director of Operations: Robert ;

Art Di rector: Nathan Kane Special Proects Art Director: Serban Cristescu

Production Manager: Christopher Ungar Production/Design: Karen Bates, Art Villanueva

Staff Artists: Chia-Hsien Jasan Ha, Mike Rote Production Assistant: Nathan Hamill

Administration: Sherri Smith Legal Guardian: Susan A. Grade

THE SIMPSONS LIBRARY Of WISDOM Conceived and Edited by Bill Morrison

Book Design and Production by Serban Cristescu Contributing Editor: Terry Delegeane

Research and Production Assistance: Nathan Hamill Contributing Artists:

Serban Cristescu, Mike DeCarlo, Lu is Escobar, Chia-Hsien Jasen Ho, William Mahaney, Bill Morrison, Kevin M. Newman, Mike Rote, Kevin Segna

Contributing Writers: Jamie Angell, Scott M. Gimple, Nathan Hamill, Jesse L. McCann, Bi ll Morrison, Eric Rogers

HarperCollins Editors: Susan Weinberg, Kate Travers Specia l Thanks lo:

Pete Benson, N. Vyolet Diaz, Deanna Maclellan, Helio Salvatierra, Mili Smythe, Ursula Wendel, and Doug Whaley

,

HARPER

N E W Y O R K LO N DO N T O RO N T o S Y D N E Y

DoV\..rfS. DoV\1.tt 1'\:o\es.

3. 1'\:o{ C.\'\:~~Sj-Ci~-vs-r t>lltA, f...e f"ood o.f' ~iV\'3S\

L\. Bic;3 f.-pe 'Nee't oV\ ~\\ioV\ I:>ollo.r ~o\Jie. S. f"ovr ~eo..v"ti.f'vl \t-t\e 'tlords:

A.u...rv-C.A.N ~A.-rN 1\e lo\Jel'{ '3o\eV\ \-.ve o.f' s'tleef 1 s'tleef ~eer.

1-. 1\e \-.o..llvc.iV\o'3eV\iC. ~vrV\ o.f' o.. reo..\\'{ -f'iM c.\-.ili.

g, SV\Il'3'3\iV\'3 'tlif... N..o..r'3e. 9. Beo..{iV\'3 f...e poiV\{ Spreo..d. lo. Beo..{iV\'3 f...e l'2. 1\e 'tlo..rl'3. The c.rvi'!.\. \...o\)iV\'3 f...e .f'o..l'

AGE:DA~ONE Horner astounds

rnedkal staff/parenta ~ sornehow gettihg

hold of pizza ih hospital ~~~A-ser,_

Runhihg f rorn "the law," Horner's rnother Moha

leaves horne. T old she had died, Horner spehds high t cr::lihg 1 rnourhihg. Severa!

evenihgs of Abe-adrnihistered ~Quil follow.

Horner's first ::1ear of school. Never forgets father Abe's advice oh first da::l: "~ou're

as durnb as a rnule ahd twice as ugl::l. If a strahge rnah

off ers ::lou a ride, ::lou should take it."

AGE:7 Homer plahts hot dog tree

behihd f amii::J f armhouse; spooks the cows so the::J give sour milk;

dreams of becomihg presideh t someda::l b::l imitatihg JFK Abe

ihspired to start callihg him "Meloh Head."

Horner ihvehts hew garne that ihvolves

crarnrnlhg cra::JOh5 up his hOse 1 Sheezihg

thern out. Accidehtall::l leaves ohe lodged ih his brain f urther lowerihg his mental capabilities.

Doctors /teachers surprised that lower rnehtal capabilities

are possible.

AGE: 21 Horner goes oh "T~e Gohg Show" witl, Barhe::Ji the::1 rec~ive more gohgs

thah a break-dahcihg robot that

catches fire.

AGE:l8

AGE:2~ Horner fihall::l lahds job a t Sprihgfield

Nuclear 'Power 'Piaht, chahgihg lif e of

C. Moh t gorner::l BurhS f orever. Shortl::l after, Bart is borh, chahgihg

lives of ever::JOhe ih Sprihgfield forever.

AGE:~ Nothihg rnatches ~th ::lear: Horner learhS his

rnother is still alive, his rniddle harne is Ja::li he has a half-brother, Herb 'Powell He bowls a "perfect" garne, takes severa! cahhOhballs to his gut, recovers frorn

triple b::Jpass, battles ex-'Presideht of \Jnited

Sta tes, clirnbs Murderhor11. Nothihg beats lollihg farnii::J

waitihg at horne while ih outer space eatihg

potato chips.

[}{J@ODlJ@ITo@ [}{J@IT@@@ C5lliillJr3[b ~~

As Hotner 's guardiah ahgel, Colohel Klihk appears to show Hotner how miserable his lif e would be if he had tnarried

1'-\ihd~ Sitntnohs ihstead of 1'-\arge.

Who he is: Rctiohal Gertnah 'P.O.W. catnp colohel frotn 'bOs TV series "Hogah's Heroes."

ldehtif~ihg tnarks: Groove ih upper left cheek frotn tnohocle.

Hotner's obsessioh: loves to tauht Klihk with khowledge of secret ahtics b~ Hogah ahd his tneh.

T rue idehtit~: Sir Isaac Newtoh.

Reasoh f or charade: T o appear as sotneohe Hotner would recoghize ahd rever-e.

(}G@Q'J~~~ ~QD~ THE WORKPLACE 1. Mr. Burns' top-secret closed-circuit

spying device. 2. Vent for dispersa! of toxic gas. 3. Toxic gas. 4-. Safety monitoring equipment. 5. Bewildering screens. 6. Freedom. 7. Distracting dials. 8. Confusing switches. 9. Perplexing buttons. 10. Mesmerizing gages. 11. Motivational device. 12. Donut. 13. Donut crumbs. 14-. Coffee stains. 15. Candy wrappers. 16. Safety rules. 17. Coffee mug 18. (affeinated sludge. 19. Warning light. 20. Access to break room. 21. lnscrutable symbol. 22. Vital safety device. 23. Uranium-enriched upholstery. 24-. Butt groove. 25. Console chair with squeaky wheel.

("Nothing a little donut grease can't fix!") 26. Sleep station. 27. Emergency communication device with

vital info. 28. Motivational poster.

A LOT HARDER !'M AROVND.

) _ \\o"'er- Si"'psor:s ~Zf>oN>-'/ , ) DeQ.I'" T>o1"eY\1"iQ.\ ( "'plo'/el'",

\

""/ fQ.\'"d S\-.iH -o\e Spl'"iY\'3-t"e\ ""fo'f.IY\e Guie L>..Y\le ~Q.'ter-) -S\Q.S\-.-Co ~\leS S,Q.\eS"'Q.Y\ -1"-e T'i1"iless T'up ~1"1"Q.c.'t- Do'3 Sc.\-.ool Du"'"''/ -Gulp 't.~' B\o'f.l ("'plo'/ee

-~s1"\'"oY\Q.u1" -~Q.Y\Q.'3er- of; c.ouY\-tr'/ "'usic. SiY\'3er- \...llfleeY\ \...ll"'p't.iY\ -SY\O'f.l T>lo'f.l o'f.IY\edopei'"Q.1"of ~(. T>lo'f.l .

-~oY\oi'"Q.i\ C,oY\uc.1"or--;o'f.lef T>\Q.Y\1" VY\i'tY\ ~pfeSeY\1"Q.1"i\Je - 1"-e Be-S\-.Q.fpS BQ.(\.efs\-.op GuQ.Me1" ~e"'\.er--S1"0eV\1" (Spl'"iY\'3J;e\ VY\i\JefSi-\'.1) -B\Q.c.'t-)Q.C.'t- DeQ.\e( -T'efSOY\Q.\ ~SSiS1"Q.Y\1" 1-o C. ~oV\1"'3o"'ef'/ Bur-Y\S -Mu\1" (uc.Q.1"ioY\ ""feQ.c.\-.er--Su'3Q.I'" S,Q.\eS"'Q.Y\ -BQ.(Y\e'/'s Bo'f.II-O-~"'Q. ("'plo'/ee -~us-\'.11\-.e C:\o'f.IY\ \"'pefSoY\Q.1"or--~a1"\'"oY\iC. Solic.i1"ol'" (\JQ. -fe\ep\-.oV\e ~\l1"odiQ.\er-)

1. Peepers - Trained to stay open during nap time at work.

2. Ha ir- Making a heroic last stand in the Battle of the Bald.

3. Sniffer- Able to identify any food from a distance of up to 100 yards (300 yards when windy). 4. Noodle- "A mind is a thing to waste." - The Ad Council

5. The Equator -"Awaist is a terrible thing to mind ." - Homer Simpson

6. Ears- Accumulating wax, soon to be u sed to make a decorative pencil jar for workstation. 7. Five O'Ciock Shadow - The envy of George Michael and pouty mal e models the world over.

8. Fingers- Short and stubby, a Simpson family trait. Sometimes mistaken for sausages at breakfast and nibbled on.

- Used for jabbing ribs of friends and strangers

that jokes are understood. Flipper - Always at the ready.

1 buttons have been worn away, by Homer's thumbprint.

Duff Beer - A versatile brew. Accessorizes

-1"- n;nnl.. with jeans 1 shirt

anda

- Lined with plastic es for stain-free smuggling of

dressings, and dips from restaurants.

rt- Takes a lickin' and keeps

Knees - Protected by extra layer of fat that provides for unlimited

wear-and-tear when begging, praying, groveling, and mooching.

16. Dogs - Always barking. Last seen by Homer (while standing) in the spring of '81.

THE OTHER NIGHT AT MOE'S BAR WE PLA~ED THIS GAME ... SIX DEGREES OF SOMETHING OR OTHER ..

I THINK IT HAO TO DO WITH BACON . MMMM ... BACON. AN~WHO, THE WA~ IT WORKS IS ~OU TR~ TO FIGURE OUT HOW ONE PERSON

IS CONNECTED TO SOMEBOD~ ELSE, BUT NOT DIRECTL~ .. l THINK THAT'S WHERE THE SIX DEGREES PART COMES IN. I HAO A FEW BEERS, SO I'M NOT REALL~ SURE. WELL, I'VE MET SOME

PRETT~ FAMOUS PEOPLE OVER THE ~EARS, SO I THOUGHT I'D MAKE UP M~ OWN VERSION OF THE GAME ANO SEE WHAT

OTHER CELEBRITIES I'M CONNECTED TO. I CALL /T ..

_ ""--__ ___c.,._._ __ .......o, ___ -+---1 1. fnergy supply. --~---+---.l,----+-----1 2. Ball racks with bowling balls-Prepare to

commence hurling!" large beverage cup holders. luxurious, hard plastic, on-deck, banquette-style seats. Pro-Shop entrance-look like a pro instantly without all that tiresome practicing!" Standard issue hand-crippling device. Novelty Claw Prize machine (features cute plush animals, kazoos, magic tricks, lobster harmonicas, and Harvard diplomas). Floor surfaces (by the bar: sticky; on the lanes: slicky). Sweat-B-Gone Mystery Air Blower 3000.

10. Scoring table. 11. Free pencils with scorecards. 12. Trophy case. 13. Clock-Any Time is Kegling Time!" 14. Trap door in ceiling-holds 300 game"

-------=""""":::::=! celebratory balloon. 15. fntrance to The fleventh Frame." ~-- ' 16. Courteous well-trained staff.

17. Dusty shoe renta! cubbyholes (behind front counter).

18. lntercom microphone set to maximum distortion. --------.:'::-::~~~~ 19. Bowling-Fresh Shoe-Deodorizing Spray

(sanitizes toilets, undogs drains, and dissolves rust).

1

1

~

BOWLING ALLE:::lS CAN BE DARK, SMELL:::l, CONFVSING PLACES, FVLL OF ODDL:::l-DRESSED PEOPLE

WHO SEEM TO SPEAK A KOOK:::l LANGVAGE. 1 CAN'T HELP THE DARK, SMELL:::l PART,

BVT HERE' S SOMETHING TO TAKE THE EDGE OFF THE CONFVS ION THAT 1 LIKE TO CALL ..

1. BOWLING TROPHY HOOD ORNAMENT 2. DELUXE SUPERCHARGED V8 ENGINE 3. HORN THAT PLAYS "LA CUCARACHA" 't. FLUORESCENT ANTENNA BALL TO HELP FINO

CAR IN PARKING LOT 5 SOUNDPROOF BUBBLE DOME FOR THE KIDS

(W 1 OPTIONAL RESTRAINTS & MUZZLES) 6. SPOILER 7. TAIL FINS 8. EXTRA-NOISY YEAR-ROUND SNOW TIRES 9. EXTREMELY LARGE BEVERAGE HOLDER TO

ACCOMMODATE SUPER SLAKERS FROM KWIK-E-MART 10. TRUCK-SIZED SIDE VIEW MIRROR 11. DRIVER-SIDE STEPLADDER 12. BART -VIEW MIRROR 13. FURRY STEERING WHEEL COVER 14. DELUXE CHROME NAME PLATE 15. HIGH BEAM 1 LOW BEAM 1 LOWER BEAM HEADLIGHTS 16. FAUX ROLLS-ROYCE GRILL

17. GAS PEDAL SHAPED LIKE A BARE FOOT 18. SHAG CARPETING 19. AUTOMATIC TRANSMISSION WITH PHONY

FOUR-ON-THHLOOR 8-BALL GEARSHIFT 20. RACK STEERING (PINION IS OPTIONAL) 21. BUILT-IN SEA! WARMERS 22. BUILT-IN SNACK WARMERS 23. QUADRAPHONIC 8-TRACK TAPE PLAYER

(COMES WITH COMPLIMENTARY COPY OF "GRANO FUNK RAILROAD'S GREATEST HITS")

,.,......-ec.,....,.,.,....,_::::::r~'

)>'\ e>!'\0\ \ '\?('"-1 f"-0'\ e;>b)'\N \\"'_l.- . o7. "'\1'\0"-~.\-'g o,. ~'OI(S ,.Je>f\~0/ "b'Z. ''-~ ,.'"''\ 0'\1"'- /---f'b I(Wj g-z. " " e;>f\\J,.?'()O)d e;>)0"-1 e>g "i;.'Z.

J,-1 b\,1\0\' ,.J"

TIIE gfMpgoNg' ICEBOK. CIIILLY CONIIEYOR OF COMFORT FOOP. grtJRPY gENTRY Of' gTAPLEg, ANP YET. go MtJCII MORE/ REIIEALEP IIERE. FOR TI/E flRgr TIME. ..

Mr: Meatball Meatball Mix. Vust add onions.) Air ~iscuit Brand Aromatic Biscuit Mix. Swampy Joe's Cajun Jainbalaya! ("You'll roux the day you don't try it!")

'R Sideshow Mel's Milk 'N' Cookies in a Carton. Mustetchupaise "Mustard, Ketchup and Mayonnaise - All in One Bottle! Now with Relish!" Mustard (stolen from Springfield Stadium). Ketchup (stolen from Krustyburger). Salad Dressing (stolen from Paul Newman). Spring water (from concentrate). Maggie' s bot.tles labeled "Homer! Do not drink!" Farmer Krusty's Bacon-flavored Butter. Oennis Franz's COP TARTS. "The 6reakfast that Takes Oown Hunger!" -"NYPO Blueberry" Flavor. 1't real eggs and 1 fake one with a house key inside.

, Five Han Solo action figures, frozen in blocks of ice since 1980.

- 'ltchy &. Scratchy "Guts 'N' Entrails' Oinner" (Spaghetti &. Meatbalfs), ..

, . Three frozen, ready-to-eliplode ecans of Buzz Cola. v' Homer's Secret Rainy Oay fund.

Krustcicles. Gabbopops (circa 1996).

' Cookie Jar !H. Currently contains 3/'tths of a Fudge Stripe cookie and a single Oreo top. Cookbooks, including: "Fiuffer NuHers and Other Peanut Butter/Marshmallow Spread Recipes," "Siaw Anything," "Toledo Cookin' !," "The Griii!Y 6ible,"and "How to Make Vegetables Taste like Meat." Two sixteen-cube capacity ice trays (empty). Homer's Cold Cap (An old army helmet Homer keeps in the freezer for sweltering days). A gallon freezer bag of Chief Wiggum's chili (for use in vision quests).

lnflatable raft. ~Coiohel Krusty's Pried Chicken Parts Dinner with

Mystery Cobbler. Brigaclier Ge.neral Krusty's Steak Oinner wth Mystery Raj Krusty's Paneer Dinner Mystery Biryani.

Marge's Secret Rainy Day Fund:i$507 in a Greenman's Broccoli Florets box.

: 1 Soygurt. Box of frozen Reggie! bars (circaiJ983). Ally McMeal: Frozen' Carrot Sticks, Celery, and Water (circa 1997). Rlph-Abets- bite-sized chunks of chuck, shaped like letters, in' ~ savory gray liquid. Marge' s Up-and-Coming Walnut Ambrosia lcebox Cake. Krustofski Vineyards Bulk Red Wine (not kosher) .

MAYOMANIA! ' "Real Yolks" Brand Egg Yolk Substitute Alternativ..

Bagel-flavored Cream Cheese. ' High-gloss, quick-drying chocolte syrup.

1 Cloudy O (Non-alcoholic Ouff juice 'clrink for kids). Homer's Mystery Punch (1 part Hawaiian Punch 1 part flat beer). "' Ouff Chai in biodegradable spun soy bottles. (6ought by mistake.) "' Ouff Hard lemonade. Ouff Non-Aicoholic-But-Stiii-Extremely-Hard lemonade. Ouff Gummy Ale.

- Ouff Sour Apple lager. Open box of Baking Soda (circa 1992). Marge's Obscure Artichoke lasagna.

: Marge's Famous Gelatin Fish loaf. Paint thinner (for sorne reason).

Rarely opened mystery produce bin.

W HEN 1 HEAR SOMEONE TOEJAM TALK ING ABOUT SOMET H ING T HAT SOUNDS ~UMM~, M~ MOUTH GETS ALL

NICE AND WATER~. THEN 1 FIND OUT THAT MICROCIIIP IT' S ALL A BIG LI E. T HOSE J ERKS AREN'T TALK ING A BOUT FOOD A T A LL! NOW !'VE ONL~

GOT SO MUCH SALIVA, SO 1 CAN'T PORK BARREL PENPINC AFFORD TO WASTE IT ON ... 1 PINCLEBERRIE

PEPPER PRAY mlli) JIVETURKEY ~ TIIE MAYO CLINIC PRUM TICK

ROAP APPLE PICOTU JEUflll Lt'CC

'

111/NILLA ICE ALMONELLA PETROLEUM JELLY LUCNUT

URINAL CAKE IIEMORRIIOIP PONUT COWPIE 1/UMBLEPIE

TIIE PICE CIRL PACKINC PEANUT CONPOLEEZZA RICE COUCII POTATOE

IIAMBURC. CERMANY CORNPAP WINCNUT OUPYALE

trPACKAB FRUITCAKE

LAPYFINCERg ! TOAP IN TIIE IIOLE

NAPOLEONg CR/NPERg ,

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"NEROEg CAPE~ MUgELIK

PAt1WOtiog LOK

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P0 1 80Yg sgcRAPPLE

,!"LOPPY JOEg 1

;;;COOL WIIIP 8AKEP ALAgKA '

FLAPJACKg !1 1111g11 PUPP/Eg

JERKY ., CRffg ,. .

ELEPIIANT EARg ,.gANO PA8g

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+ROLLMOPg 1/ECEMITE

TOFIJ i' ZWiEBICK

J; IIUMMUg PU pi) PlAffER

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8ROWN8ETTY ';iji:; :li.

IIORNY POWN IN TI/E PUMpg RILEP-UP MAP ABOUT ''rilE BOY"

PI~COMBOBULATEP RAIIENOU~ PUMBFOUNPEP tJU/LTY CLUELE~ UNtJLUEP tJRUNT/NtJLY ANNOYEP

Q:Q@GYJ8C~t (X!0J3D~ll

:5 KWJK -E-MART 1. Tourist film camera stand. 2. Imp ulse items (naked lady ink pens, Kap'n

Krusty 's Chawin' Baccy, "Kwik-E-Mart's Most Wanted Check Bouncers" playing cards).

3. Breakfast options [fresh day-old donuts at week-old prices (fancies extra), donut holes, muffin stumps (tops sold separately), curry crullers, reclaimed sprinkles].

4. Freezer Case (with Frostillicus). S. Sage advice. 6. Deep-fried pickles. 7. Plastic jar of desiccated meat-like jerky chew. 8. Bombay surprise (shotgun under counter). 9. Charity donation bucket (Krusty the

Clown's Marathon for Motion Sickness). 10. Kwik-E-Mart heart and soul. 11. Squishee machine. (New Chutney Flavor!) 12. Magazine Racks (includes such stellar

publications as: "Vicarious Living," ''Bar & Stool," "Mosh Pitter:' "Danger Liker," "Meddling Today," "Non-Threatening Boys;' "Bear Baiter Magazine;' "Jugs & Ammo").

13. Duff Beer-amid. 14. Great White Hunter video game. 15. Heat-lamp dogs. 16. Never-washed condiment tray. 17. Closed-circuit store monitor. 18. Fully-cooked caffeinated sludge. 19. Non-dairy powdered cream-like substitute

in difficult-to-open packages. 20. Unseen in janitor closet: shrine to Ganes ha.

1 '

SNAKE CAREER CRIMINAL & JAILBIRD

MR. SPARKLE HOMER LOOK-ALIKE LOGO FOR POPULAR JAPANESE DISH DETERGENT

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-,- .}~1- 7:00 a.m. - Homer wokes with funny toste in his mouth. He dreomed obout sucking _u. , ' rospberry filling out of giont donuts.

-1-1- ~~ e::'- 7:0S a.m. - Discovers new tube of rospberry-flovored toothposte in bothroom , :; \ is holf-empty. /'

7:1 S a.m. - Eots entire package of grohom crockers topped with remoining rospberry toothposte.

7:30a.m. - Tokes lengthy shower, sings most of libretto from "Tommy" by The Who. Coincidentolly, chokes on water ond gets soop in both eyes

during "deof, dumb, ond blind" port.

8:00 o. m. - Time lo gel dressed. After severo! minutes weighing pros ond cons, decides lo weor blue ponts ond white shirl.

8: 1S o.m. - Breokfost is served! Mmmm ... bocon, eggs, sousoge, toas! ond woffles. Pleosont mood is interrupted when Borl ond liso orgue oboul price of leo in Chino. Homer ongrily pounds toble with fist, cousing one of his plump sousoges lo go flying onto floor.

8:16 o. m. - In ponic lo rescue rolling sousoge, Homer stobs ot floor with fork. Accidentolly stobs the tip of Snowboll ll's foil. Spontoneous col clowing follows, from Homer's chin lo foreheod.

9:00 o. m. - After dropping Snowboll 11 off ot veterinorion, Morge drives Homer lo emergency room. Homer sobs inlo bloody towel obout "his foce, his beoutiful foce."

9: 1S a.m. - Dr. Hibbert ond emergency room stoff gel quite o few chuckles from col scrotches on Homer's foreheod-they form on imoge closely resembling stote Springfield is in.

'30 a.m. - Extremely irriloted, Homer lcoves hospital with his enti re foce bondoged up like The Mummy. He tells Morge he will wolk lo work, since she is still giggling obout his foreheod.

9:40a.m. - Stops lo hove brunch ot new restaurant in town, "Fritz's Friendly Fried Fritters." Gets mople syrup oll over his heod bondoges while eoting friendly fritters.

10:00 a.m. - Sworm of honeybees, drown by syrup-sooked bondoges, choses Homer os he exits restaurant. They finolly leove him olone ofter he rips bondoges off ond throws them lo homeless person.

10:0S a.m. - Slips into Moe's for quick one.

11 :00 a.m. - Po ir of poromedics stop into Moe's for o liquid lunch. Fisticuffs ensue when one poromedic nolices Homer's foreheod ond osks if "he's the new Stote Dork."

11 :10 o.m. - Poromedics give Homero beot-down, then drive him lo emergency room. Hospital stoff hoppily welcomes him bock. They stop lo toke pictures of his foreheod for their scropbook.

11 :2S a.m. - Re-bondoged, Homer tokes taxi bock to Moe's.

11 :40 a.m. - Wounded, u noble lo see, ond quite tipsy, Homer mistokes King Toot's Music Store for Moe's men's room. Tokes wizz on Wurlitzer.

11 :4S a.m. - King Toot's owner choses Homer down street, trying lo clobber him with trombone.

11 :SO a.m. - Homer's oppeoronce, o long with his swoggering groons, frightens Mrs. Rooney's first-grode closs while on wolking field trip lo City Hall. Sorne children ore missing for hours.

1

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12:00 p.m. - Shows up for work jusi in time lor lunch. Todoy's speciol: Borbecue Surprise.

12:15 p.m. - Everyone in lunchroom wonts lo know whot hoppened to his luce. Homer describes how he soved orphonoge lrom hungry wolves- in grophic detoil.

12:40 p.m. - Bondoges ore splottered with Borbecue Surprise sauce. He mistokenly enters ludies' room ond removes them, except lor one thot covers his foreheod.

, STAY ALERT!, 1 STAY SAFE!

( ( 1

12:50 p.m. - Homer reolizes he's in ludies' room when Rodon Speciolist lsodoro "The Moose" Brouvonovitch, 6' 4" former women's shot-put chompion for Soviet bloc, comes out of stoll ond delivers right hook lo his chin. When he comes lo, she mokes pass ot him.

1 :00 p.m. - Lunchtime over, Homer chollenges Lenny lo electric cort roce in Sector 8-C. He loses control on third lop, croshes into coolont exhoust panel.

1:15 p.m. - Coolont exhoust olorms deor foctory. Homer, Lenny, Corl, ond

Chorlie shoot crops in the parking lot.

2:00 p.m. - Returning lo his workstotion for lirst time todoy, Homer occidentolly erases oll his phone messoges.

Most of them were from Mr. Burns.

2:10 p.m. - Mokes pronk phone colls. Most of them ore lo Mr. Burns.

3:00 p.m. - Noptime.

4:00 p.m. - Donuts ond coffee break. Homer remoins in break room until it is time lo dock out.

5:10p.m. - Homer, Lenny, ond Corl stop by Moe's for ofter-work operitif- or two.

6:00 p.m. - Remembers lo stop by Kwik-E-Mort lo pick up sorne things for Morge.

6:05 p.m. - Eots Bucket-0-Microvove Rovioli.

6:10p.m. - Returns lo Kwik-E-Mort when he remembers he forgot lo pickup sorne things for Morge.

6:15p.m. - Eots Tub-0-Corndogs.

7:00 p.m. - Home in time for dinner. Morge nogs him for lorgetting the things she osked him lo pick up ot store. Snowbollll hisses ot him, fovoring tip of her toil which is wropped in bondoge.

7:30p.m. - Homer ond Bort enjoyo little fother/son bonding. They repeotedly ring Flonders' doorbell ond run owoy.

8:00p.m. - Fomily TV time. Tonight's movie !ore: "The Mon with o Thousond Foce Scrotches," storring Troy McCiure. Mony comporisons, gigglings, ond temper flores ensue.

9:00 p.m. - During commerciol, kids try lo see whot is under Homer's foreheod bondoge. He reluses, but they pursue him oll over house. He hides in treehouse until they go lo sleep.

9:30 p.m. - Homer decides lo ring Flonders' doorbell one more time. While running owoy, gets hit in street by ombulonce driven by drunk poromedics. Homer tolks

them into going lo Moe's insteod of hospital.

10:50 p.m.- Poromedics drop Homer off ot home. He doesn't remember why, but he has o trombone wropped oround his neck.

11:00 p.m. - Ten intimote minutes with Morge.

11:10 p.m. - Glod doy is linolly over, Homer gratelully drilts off lo sleep.

11 :12 p.m. - Moggie rips bondoge off Homer's foreheod lo see whot is underneoth. She loughs ot whot she sees. Homer screoms in poin.

C=O[][3~a@ ~~m HOMER'S '70s CRASH PAD

1. Pink Flayd "Dark Side af the Maan" paster (wan fram Barney in "The Superbawl af Chinese Faatball").

2. Pressbaard "peace sign" made in AP Waadshap. ~~:::s:::=:c+::~ 3. Ultra-melty candle. 4. S.A.T. prep baak (unapened). S. Nattering Nabab Brand X-tra Wide Law-Rise

Bell Battams. 6. Puma sneakers. 7. Patriatic "peace sign" rug. 8. Springfield Squatters Cap (name later

changed ta "lsatapes"). 9. 52 thread count sheets. 10. Lamp with black lightbulb. 11. Black light Led Zepplin paster (impartant

symbal af commitment ta "racking hard") 12. Pet Rack. 13. Abe's hand-me-dawn lucky drinking sweater. 14. JCPenney's waad veneer faur paster bed. 15. Empty beer can collectian (concealing a six

pack af full cans). 16. Springfield Civic Pride Pennant (faund in the

trash autside af the Quimby hause). 17. The Rack Pit (area reserved far seriaus

racking, featuring: beanbag chair, headphanes, quad-sterea system, LPs and 8-Track tapes, including Grand Funk Railraad "On Time," Deep Purple "Machine Head," Alice Caaper "Billian Dallar Babies," and Ray Stevens l::::::::::::::=::.::::=::::::::;~ "Gitarzan").

18. Lava lamp stain.

' 1

1

1 70s PRINCIPAL DONDELINGER HoMER's HIGH scHooL PRINCIPAL ~ 1 70s BARNEY GUMBLE HoMER's aEsT auoov ,,,

o

1 70s ARTIE ZIFF HoMER's RIVAL

\\omet d\dn't gtaduate \l\g\l sc\loo\ un\\\ \le v.Jent

bac\( to pass Remedia\ Sc\ence a\most tv.Jentv

veats \atet.

~'f ~o,...._e( "S. S\,...._psoV\ ""~ J>o"Oeli"'3e( l>"-"'" 0-"'\e(S

(>e.e(o-1 Jl."'-t>-11 oiC ~..,_"'.;s er-B"'eS J>e"-" ?e'l\.erl" (>o-l"cl

llJll '' . : .

Spittoon. Morale-building bar apron. Genuine faux-Naugahyde barstools. A brief history of gum {under bar ral). Jar of pickled eggs {extra brny). Cash register/porn-mag storage. Exotic liquor bottles {strictly set dressing). Barney> s bar tab. Mirror-Warning: People may be more inebriated than they appear.

10. Ever-present bar rag {never washed, never changed, strangely slimy).

11. Bartender> s best friend. 12. Bartender>s second best friend. 13. Barney>s emergency beer supply 14 Cheerful sign. 15. Necessary distraction. 16. Lave Tester. {How do you measure up?-

Cold Fish, Luke Warm Fish, Hubba Hubba, Casanova, Hot Tamale.)

17. Motivational poster. 18. Windows {a thick greasy fllm prevents

detection from the outside world). 19. Breathalyzer testing equipment Oevels

include: Tipsy, Soused, Stinkn', Boris Yeltsin). 20. Door. (Caution! During certain hours,

daylight may be seep in.) 21. lnspirational poster. 22. Emergency sleeping area/tanning bed. 23. Tanning light.

1

'~ . BARNEY GUMBLE HOMER'S DRINKINGEST BUDDY

[}{J@Ol])@ITo~ [}{J@Q~ m&~

As cohductor 0 f a rUhawa~ rnohorail, Horner's first choice for a savior is Batrnah. Sadl~, he rn~st ac~ep~ help frorn

a cornrnoh hoh-cape-wearlh& sc1eht1st.

Also khoWh as: .. The Caped Crusader," ''The Dark Khight," ahd ohe half of ''The D~harnic Duo."

Secret idehtit~: t-\illiohaire pla~bo~ Bruce Wa~he. Super powers: Despite classificatioh as superhero-hohe.

Favorite weapoh! The Batarahg.

Choreograph~ credit: Origihator of .. The Batusi." Cornrnoh rniscohceptioh! ~ike rnost 5-~ear-olds, Horner believes Batrnah 1s a real persoh.

Therne sohg: Na-ha ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha, Na-ha ha-ha ha-ha ha-ha, Batrnah!

1. Personal rnessage in fluorescent ink 2. Beer dispensing hat 3. Rainbow wig 4. Pennants of opposing tea m S. Mouth-level food tray for easy hands-off gorging 6. Mustard stain 7. Beer stain 8. Binoculars 9. Giant sign with inspiring rnessage for television viewers 10. Extra large boot tops to redairn food & drink spillage 11. Portable radio so as not to miss play-by-play of garne while

distracted frotn actual garne by food 12. Portable butt pad for rnaxirnurn viewing cornfort 13. Cararnel corn perrnanently affixed to shirt 14. Hurniliating plan to get on TV 15. Giant foarn hand with inspiring rnessage for tearn 16. Flecks of beer foarn around rnouth 17. Charcoal under eyes for no practica! reason other than because it looks cool 18. Vein throbbing alarrningly in forehead 19. (Not pictured) Hornetown Pride

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