Eight Sessions

SATURDAY & SUNDAYIntroduction GEP 1 The Core Need for Connection & Acceptance GEP 2The Core Need for Connection & Acceptance GEP 3The Core Need for Healthy

Autonomy & Performance GEP 4

MONDAY The Core Need for Healthy Autonomy &

Performance GEP 5TUESDAY & WEDNESDAYThe Core Need for Reasonable Limits GEP

6THURSDAY & FRIDAYThe Core Need for Realistic Expectations

GEP 7The Plus One Need for Spiritual Values

and Community GEP 8

“In a world of too much information, Good Enough Parenting uses movies

to teach parents how to meet core needs, and, at the same time, how to avoid

passing down their own dysfunctional behaviors. Schema Therapy has been

successful with adults, but I have always wanted to see someone do something on

preventing schemas, or Lifetraps, in children, and here it is!”

~ Dr Jeffrey YoungDept of Psychiatry, Columbia University,

USAFounder, Schema Therapy

SESSION THREE:MEETING THE CORE EMOTIONAL NEED FOR

CONNECTION & ACCEPTANCE

DISCONNECTION & REJECTION1. Social Isolation / Alienation2. Emotional Deprivation3. Defectiveness / Shame4. Emotional Inhibition5. Failure6. Mistrust / Abuse

Maladaptive Schemas (Lifetraps) contrasted with Adaptive or Positive TraitsSocial Isolation / Alienation vs Belonging & AffinityEmotional Deprivation vs Emotional Fulfillment & IntimacyDefectiveness / Shame vs Self-Acceptance & Openness

Maladaptive Schemas (Lifetraps) contrasted with Adaptive or Positive TraitsEmotional Inhibition vs Emotional Spontaneity & ExpressivenessFailure vs Mastery & SuccessMistrust / Abuse vs Trust

Connection & Acceptance in Genesis

Connection and AcceptanceRead Genesis 25:19-34» What were the strengths and weakness of

both Esau and Jacob?» In Genesis 25:28, how much do you think that

favoritism from the parents by Isaac and Rebekah on Esau and Jacob respectively affect the relationship between the two sons?

» How did Esau feel being so different looking (“red”)? Did he feel accepted by Rebekah, or perhaps flawed inside? Did he feel like he “fit in”?

» How did Jacob feel not being able to match up with his brother’s hunting skills and adventurous spirit? Did he feel accepted by Isaac, or perhaps flawed inside?

» How much was the subject of the blessing to the oldest son, or birthright, discussed and talked about among and between them as they grew up?

» On the whole, was the advantage of the firstborn greatly exaggerated, according to Deuteronomy 5:16 and 21:17?

» Considering Jacob’s relationship with Isaac, which of Jacob’s core needs were probably not met by his dad?

» How may have this affected Jacob as a teenager growing up and later on as an adult?

» Considering Esau’s relationship with Rebekah, which of Esau’s core needs were probably not met?

» How may have this affected Esau as a teenager growing up and later on as an adult?

Meeting the Core Need for Connection & Acceptance

Children who feel connected and accepted become better at handling their own feelings of sadness, anger, fear, etc.

Movie Moment

The Prizewinner of Defiance, Ohio

Here is a really great example (true story) of a woman who met the core need for connection, acceptance, and many others with her ten children in spite of difficult circumstances.

We begin with a timely diaper change…

Dreikurs on Discouragement

“A misbehaving child is a discouraged child.”

(p. 36, Dreikurs, R. (1964). Children: The challenge. New York: Plume)

a. Rudolf Dreikurs (1960s)

b. Fritz Redl (1960s)

c. Haim Ginnott (1970s)

d. Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish (1970-80s)

e. Gerald Patterson (1980s-present day)

f. David Elkind (1980s-present day)

g. John Gottman (1990s-present day)

Some of the most Influential Parent Educators over the past fifty years:

Connection > Behavior

All these highly intuitive writers and educators have a common important theme – being attuned to the emotions of the children.

Emotional Connection

The challenge for many of us is connection with our children at an emotional level and learning how to be empathetic when there is a need (but not overly so).

Definition of Empathy

Empathy is the ability to "put oneself into another's shoes", or to in some way experience the outlook or emotions of another.

Matthew 7:1212So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.

What is the real test of your values and beliefs?

» What you do to others?» What you ought to do to others?» What you think others should do to

you?

Jesus taught us to treat others the way we WISH they would treat us…This not only involves empathy but also compassion.

Empathy is about knowing how the other person feels. Once we know how they feel, the compassion becomes easier.

King of Research

Dr. John Gottman, professor at the University of Washington, followed 119 families.

He observed how parents and children react to one another in emotionally charged situations, from age four to adolescence.

After two in-depth studies, he found this:

Children who were connected with their parents and felt

accepted:» Had better health» Scored higher academically (math and

reading)» Had better friends» Had fewer behavior problems» Were less prone to violence

1 Peter 3:88Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble.

Colossians 3:12-17 Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing psalms, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.

Colossians 3:12-17 And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.

18 Wives, submit to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.

19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.

20 Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.

21 Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.

There is even a verse about how to treat a servant…

Colossians 3:21

21Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged. (NIV)

21Parents, don't come down too hard on your children or you'll crush their spirits. (The Message)

Part of meeting the core need of Connection & Acceptance

Involves valuing your children’s emotions, even the ones you may look at as “negative”, such as

Anger Sadness Fear Guilt

Shame Abandonment LonelinessFrustration

Exercise on Processing Difficult Emotions

Think of some of the common types of emotions – joy, excitement, happiness, contentment, longing, anger, loneliness, embarrassment, fear, shame, sadness; feelings of betrayal, helplessness, depression; feeling unwanted, or rejected – which ones are you most uncomfortable dealing with when you see them in your children?

What is it about these feelings that makes you uncomfortable?

Which of the three broad coping styles (surrendered, avoidant and counterattacking/overcompensating) do you rely on when you see these emotions mentioned above?

How do you go about specifically coping with these feelings when you see them in your children?

» Do you behave in a similar way each time your child experiences these feelings?

» Can you remember specific incidents involving these feelings from your childhood? (Maybe you experienced these emotions or someone around you did.)

» Did your parents welcome these feelings? » In general, how did your parents deal with

your emotions?» When your parents dealt with you this way,

how did that make you feel?

» Is there anything you wish that they said or did instead?

» What did you want from them?» So in the end, how did you cope with

these feelings when you were a child? What do you remember doing specifically?

» Why do you think this is so difficult for you?

» Is this similar or different to how you would deal with your child when he experiences the same feelings?

» What do you say to your child when these feelings come out in them?

» What do you think they wish you would do or say instead?

» If you did that, how would it make you feel now?

» Do you see that not talking about feelings with your child can be harmful or do you think it is helpful?

Our favourite three prominent parenting experts

in the area of giving valuable guidelines on how to process feelings with children in a healthy way

are Ginott, Gottman, and the team of Faber & Mazlish. The principles they advocate apply to both older and younger children.

In summary they are:

i) Be aware that the child is experiencing emotions, and have an initial idea of which emotion(s) they might be feeling. This involves interpreting the verbal expressions, tone, and non-verbal expressions of the child.

ii) See the child’s feelings as an opportunity to connect with them at an emotional level. This will strengthen the bond between the parent and child. Parents should not rush into giving solutions. Both the tone of voice and body language is crucial in communicating this message to them.

iii) Draw the child out verbally to be able to express these emotions or feelings, and to label these feelings or emotions correctly. This process will train the child (and in the beginning, the parent) to process his feelings, and thereafter cope in a healthy way.

iv) Validate the emotion(s), then show empathy and compassion to the child. Again parents should not rush into giving solutions.

v) At a suitable time, collaborate with the child and help resolve the issue that triggered the child.

Exercise

» If someone happened to be observing YOUR CHILD at that moment, what would they see?

» How do you cope with these feelings?» Where did you learn this

outlook/behavior? (Maybe from your parents?)

Comes from their “child side”, not from

their coping styles

Also includes dealing with emotions more often seen as being “positive”, such as peace, happiness and fulfillment.

When your children are experiencing any of these

emotions…Understand that these so-called

“negative” emotions are an opportunity to teach/coach/ and connect with your children.

» Not poking fun of feelings that make you feel uncomfortable

» Empathizing with soothing words and affection

» Offering guidance – children have a right to their feelings but behavior has limits (timing is important)

» THIS IS GOOD ENOUGH PARENTING!

What does it look like?

Movie Moment

Taare Zameen Par

What does empathy look like?

Proverbs 17:2222 A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.

Proverbs 18:1414 A man's spirit sustains him in sickness, but a crushed spirit who can bear?

Proverbs 29:1111 A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control.

Proverbs 30:3333 For as churning the milk produces butter, and as twisting the nose produces blood, so stirring up anger produces strife."

Movie MomentTaare Zameen Par “Stars on Earth”

The father overcame his ignorance with some helpful training and became grateful.

When you meet the core need for Connection & Acceptance

you are conveying to your children:

“Your feelings matter…”

“Your preferences matter…”

And they should feel,

“Wow, I am special…”

When you meet this core need, you will:

» Value all of your children’s emotions – anger, sadness, fear, etc

» See these emotions as an opportunity to teach/coach/connect

» Know what needs to be done – giving direction, guidance

Age Appropriate

» Explanations/sharing should be shorter for younger children

» As children get older, you should ask their opinion more often, and be prepared to admit that you may also be wrong

» Share personally about things that happened to you at their age.

Practicals:

1. Empathize with them…

2. “If I felt like this, I would be angry too…”

3. Personal sharing…(Age appropriate

4. Remember to accept the feelings, not necessarily the behavior.

5. If we had to go back, what could have been different?

6. Remember limits on behavior.

7. Voicing disapproval and anger is NOT wrong, provided it is firm but not contemptuous, character attacking, or punitive (must be age appropriate)

8. Teach and guide (Age appropriate)

9. Closure and reconciliation (Age appropriate).

Important…

» Parents determine which behavior is appropriate; Spirituality makes a difference

» Appropriate anger shows which values are held dearly

» Manipulation is to be avoided – don’t be confused with the need to show empathy.

When it is not appropriate:

» In front of others» When in a hurry» Too tired / angry» Serious behavioral problem

» When emotional connection is strong then your children will enjoy being with you, not just respect and love you…

» If emotional connection with children is strong then your disapproval and mild anger will already be a form of discipline because they care about your relationship with them.

» If weak, then it motivates them to do the opposite – to provoke you instead.

Elkind quote

Teenagers are paying us back for our earlier sins…

How would your kids rate YOUR communication

skills?

Communication

Words - 10%Tone of Voice - 30% Non-Verbal Cues - 60%

Connection and Acceptance Involves Empathic Listening

THINK ABOUT IT…

If you were pouring out your heart to a friend about a really bad day with your boss, how would you feel if the friend judged you, denied your feelings, gave you advice, or tried to psychoanalyze you?

No, we don’t want that!

»We want someone to LISTEN!

»To show EMPATHY!

Now think about your COMMUNICATION WITH

YOUR KIDS!

Don’t we do the same thing to our children?

Empathic Listening

1. Listen Quietly and Attentively

2. Verbally Acknowledging their Feelings (Mmm…, Oh, I see, etc…)

3. Give the Feeling a Name (“That sounds frustrating!”)

Practicing Listening Quietly and Attentively – With Full Attention

Instead of…

Try this…

Practicing the Skill of Acknowledging their Feelings with a Word

Instead of…

Try this…

Practicing the Skill of Giving your Child his Wishes in Fantasy

Instead of…

Try this…

Practicing the Skill of Giving their Feelings a Name

Instead of…

Try this…

Audience Participation

Learn to Identify the Child’s Feelings

(Download feelings chart)

The child says: The bus driver yelled at me and everybody laughed.

Feeling: Embarrassment

Statement: That must have been embarrassing OR Sounds as if that was embarrassing

The child says: Janie is moving away and she is my best friend.Feeling:Statement:

The child says: We had a math test today and I couldn’t get anything right!Feeling:Statement:

The child says: I’d like to punch that Michael in the nose!

Feeling:

Statement:

The child says: Just because of a little rain my teacher said we couldn’t go on our excursion. She’s dumb.

Feeling:

Statement:

What if you guess the wrong emotion?

Never mind, the child will set you right!

Son: “Dad, our test was postponed till next week!”

Dad: “That must have been a relief for you.”Son: “No, I was mad cause now I’ll have to

study the same stuff over again!”Dad: “I see, you were hoping to get it over with.”Son: “Yeah!”

Why will this help a child?

Same reason it helps with adults –» It helps us to feel accepted and loved» It helps us to diffuse our emotions» It frees us to be clear minded so we can

better think of what to do next» Or we feel secure enough to want to ask for

help

FAMILY DEVOS

“Acting it out”, like

The Good Samaritan

Luke 10:25-37

Some possible reasons why we find it hard to show

empathy…

Some possible reasons why we find it hard to show

empathy…

1) Our own lifetraps are getting triggered!

Some possible reasons why we find it hard to show

empathy…

Discuss defectiveness getting triggered…

Movie Moment

Taare Zameen Par

Dad’s defectiveness lifetrap getting triggered…

Reasons why we sometimes do not meet this need:

2) We have our own agenda(same clip that we just saw

– the dad’s agenda took precedence)

Some possible reasons why we find it hard to show

empathy…

3) We jump to conclusions (don’t take time to listen)

Movie Moment

Taare Zameen Par

Fighting scene -

Not listening to the child, assuming the worst…

This invalidates the children’s feelings, making them angry and discouraged.

Some possible reasons why we find it hard to show

empathy…

4) We think that “one-way interaction” is conversation…

Movie Moment

I Not Stupid Too

What do they see you saying?

Reasons why we sometimes do not meet this need:

5) We are too tired and burdened from our own

problems

Movie Moment

It’s A Wonderful Life

Movie Moment

The Prizewinner of Defiance, Ohio

Flowers for Mom

Movie Moment

The Prizewinner of Defiance, Ohio

Teenaged boys (also related to the third core need for Reasonable Limits)

Movie Moment

The Prizewinner of Defiance, Ohio

Teenaged girls (also related to the fourth core need of Realistic Expectations)

Expectations

» Each child with each parent once a week

» Dinner 5 times a week (with devos for younger children)

» Connect with their highs and lows. Accept their feelings but not necessarily their behavior.

» Mothers put kids to bed and take time (some of them talk at night)

End Session Three

Next two sessions are about the Core Emotional Need for Healthy Autonomy