Where’s it gorn? The time, I mean ... I thought that having to do the mag every 3 months insteadof 2 would give me plenty of time..... Wrong ..... it’s time to throw everything at poor old Antonio theprinter and I’ve yet again got to make him get the printing done yesterday. Oh well, life’s like that.Since I last regaled you with my moans and things, I’ve been back to Blighty again and this time,sad old sod that I am, I took notice of some of the prices in the supermarkets there, ‘cause me andthe present Mrs Gruntfuttock were discussing like as how prices seem to have gone up here re-cently. This was brought home when I saw, in a little greengrocer in Bournemouth, Spanish straw-berries at a quid a kilo. The week before, we paid 2.50 a kilo in Mercadona. Now, I may be wrong,but I think I’m right in saying that Bournemouth is about 1,700 miles from Murcia. Chiclana is onlydown the road a bit. Something doesn’t quite add up does it? Another thing that struck me wasPeasmold Junior moaning about his electricity and gas bill. It was 40 quid a month. Flippin’ ‘eck,our leccy alone is nearly that a week! AND..... I was able to buy petrol at Morrison’s in Cornwallabout 10 cents a litre cheaper than here. It seems that the days when you could come here withfifty quid, and buy a villa on the coast and live for a year are long gone. Still, the sun shines hereand I can still get gin for a fiver a bottle (but not at the Barrossa Gardens Hotel - over 8 euros for aG & T.) Blimey, no wonder it’s nearly all Germans who stay there!You may have heard the story about our friendly neighbourhood burglar who visited just before Iwent away. It seems he may be languishing somewhere eating porridge, ‘cause we haven’t seenhim around as we used to. Let’s hope he stays there for a while.... his girlfriend came to see meand told me she didn’t want him to go to the nick, so I told her to tell him to stay out of other peo-ples’ houses! Fair ‘nuff, I thought. I thought it rather odd, though, that the Ayuntanamiento wantedme to give a talk to the old bill explaining how I came to take his photo. You’d have thought theyknew how to do things like that by now. Anyway I couldn’t do it ‘cause I was orf to the U.K. thatday. Also, I was asked by Canal4 TV to do an interview and there was a feature in Diario de Cadizabout it as well. What surprised me was the fact they seemed to think it was exciting and different.I reckon it was just me using a bit of common sense and grasping an opportunity. Oh well, maybesomeone else will snap a burglar - it doesn’t half make catching them easier!As you wend your way through this edition of Baywatch you might notice that there are a couple ofthe usual pages missing, namely the Community News page and the Classified Ads page. Thereason for these omissions is quite simple really - there doesn’t appear to be anything going on inthe area During the coming 3 months (other than the re-commencement of my World Tour inJuly), or if there is, nobody’s told me anything about it, and no-one has anything they want to sellor buy. C’MON YOU LOT, if you don’t give me the info about your club, function or whatever Ican’t help you let others know. Baywatch is, after all, a Community mag, so it would be nice if thecommunity contributed. Right moan over.........On a positive note, we’ve got several new advertisers, notably nearly all Spanish. They seem tohave realised that in order to get customers you have to advertise. If you don’t, nobody knowsyou’re there. Please dear readers, if you decide to contact any of our advertisers, please tell themyou saw their ad in Baywatch. It will help us to keep helping them to help you.A notable re-opening is coming up on 1st June. Venta Pepe, which has been closed for a coupleof years, has been taken over by Jose (who used to be a waiter at Venta Garza) and he speaksEnglish and is a nice geezer, so try and get in to see him soon. Details and a map are on his adon page 22. Oh, and before I go - an apology for something wot I wrote. In the last issue of Baywatch I waswaxing lyrical about Bar Oasis and it’s new proprietors Antoine and Deborah when I used theword “erstwhile” to describe their affiliation. This adjective means - literally - in the past, or by-gone, although it’s one of those words that are used in common parlance to mean exactly the op-posite and it’s in that context I used it. Some clever bugger cottoned on to this, and so I stand welland truly admonished which means, of course, scolded, slapped on the wrist, told off etc. I’m gladto report that Antoine and Debs are not in the least erstwhile!Right, I’m off back to the naughty step - I’ll see ya around no doubt, so have a good 3 months inthe sun and look after yourselves.‘Til the next time Hasta Banana.

ENERGY EFFICIENCY CERTIFICATES ARE OBLIGATORYIN SPAIN FROM 1 JUNE 2013

From 1 June 2013, it will be obligatory for any property offered for rental or sale to have an EnergyEfficiency Certificate. The certificate is required for any property which is rented out for more than4 months per year or properties offered for sale. This certificate is already in place in other EUcountries (such as the UK) and aims to give clear and easily understood facts about the energyefficiency of one property against another. This information will be of particular interest to propertybuyers and clients wishing to rent.A poor energy rating will not mean that the property cannot be sold or rented and while the certifi-cate will make suggestions as to how the energy rating could be improved, it will not be compul-sory to make those alterations to your home.The certificate can only be issued by authorised and qualified professional technicians, who will berequired to visit the property to take measurements and gather information to produce the certifi-cate. The process is a little complicated with many aspects having to be measured, assessed andcalculated. The certificate will last for 10 years once issued.There are a few exceptions which do not need a certificate such as properties of under 50M2,places of worship and protected monuments but if you own a private dwelling and you want to sellor rent it then you need a certificate. The fines for failure to comply range from 3,000 euros to600,000 euros.Cadiz Casa have been in negotiation with such a company and can advise you and make allneccessary arrangements on your behalf, so for more information give them a call - their contactdetails are in their ad on page 3.Editor’s note..... What a loads of old cobblers. Energy Efficiency - oh yeah.....no insulation any-where, no damp courses, ricketty aluminium framed windows that fit where they touch, the most ex-pensive electricity on the planet (for those lucky enough to have any). We don’t need an expensive bitof paper to tell us we’re not energy efficient. Obviously just another way to con money from us!

The teacher said to young Denzil “ What is the chemical formula for water?”Young Denzil replied “H,I,J,K,L,M.N.O Miss”.The teacher said “What are you talking about?”.“Well” Denzil said “yesterday you said it was H to O “.

As far as their health is concerned, many people are keen on what are called “alternativetherapies” nowadays, as they feel the ingestion of many kinds of drugs can be counterproduc-tive and damaging to the system. Well, PreviaMed is a local clinic that is all about health andoffers Physiotherapy, Sportmedicine and Alternative Chinese Medicine. This is a family busi-ness, established in 2000, based in the Hotel Ibersostar Andalucia in Novo Sancti Petri and isavailable for all who require their services including Acupuncture, Qi Gong, Tuina, PosturalAnalysis and Training, Sportphysiotherapy, Chiropractic, Personal Training, Medical Training,Therapy, pain therapies, and Hydrocolontherapy. There is more information on their websiteat: www.previamed.es, or give them a call for more information about their services - Their adwith more contact details is on the previous page.. I’m off down there next week - my back’skilling me, so I’ll probably see you there!

A new service is now availale to our community in this area and is provided by Dr Alicia Padial whois a fully qualified dermatologist with 10 years experience in this field.Dr Padial has recently opened a new practice in the Camposoto area of San Fernando, situated inLa Policlinica La Milagrosa and offers extensive aesthetic and cosmetic treatments using lasertechnology. She is also qualified and experi-enced in surgical interventions. See her ad in the“Health and Beauty” section for more informationon the services she can offer you. Among light skinned people, skin cancer is themost common form of cancer and exposure tothe UV rays of the sun is, of course, one of thehighest risks, so if you have any doubts or wor-ries Alicia will be happy to answer any questionsyou may have. There is no language problem asshe has an excellent command of English.She is looking forward to seeing you in her clinic.Make your appointment now for your dermatol-ogy needs and enjoy the sun this summer re-sponsibly.Here is a location map to help you find your way:

Welcome to the gold award winning community magazine for the Costa de la Luz .It’s fun .. It’s informative .... It’s...your Baywatch

Here’s your dose of Soduko for this monthbut we call it.... SOD-U-DOH!

(SOLUTION AT THE BACK SOMEWHERE AS USUAL)

We went to have a look at the restaurant Trastiends the other Friday and we were immediatelyaware that this place was one of those that we would be visiting quite often.Situated behind Lusol’s fabulous gourmet shop in Chiclana La Trastienda’s access is at the rear ofLusol in Calle Duela. The decor and layout of the restaurant has the feel and look of a really expen-

sive place and the service is absolutely second-to-none. BUT -the prices are not what you’d expect of a restaurant of this quality.For instance a Gallega produced Solomillo de Ternera with veg-etables and chips (of course) is 16 euro, certainly not over thetop. Importantly, the vegetables we had were superb - artichokewith bacon (sounds wierd, but was wonderful) - certainly not themicrowaved sloppy sludge that is often served in lieu of some-thing edible! The menu is extensive and the wine list is huge -ranging from the normal “fiver a bottle” range up to over two hun-dred euros a bottle, so watch out you wine lovers! All of the foodand wines are available in the shop as well, so if you find a newfavourite wine, you can pop in the next day and stock up. Theservice here is perfect, with your waiter/ess paying attention toyour needs and not hanging around talking about football andboys. If you’ve got a special occasion coming up, do yourself afavour and try it - you most certainly won’t be disappointed. Onthe subject of trying things out, you really must visit the shop..there is the most unbelievable range of hams, cheeses to die for,cooked meats of all kinds - you name it, it’s there and for a gift,there’s available a vast range of bottled, preserved and cannedgourment foods, superb wines galore and a massive selection offood-related giftware, from bottle openers to wine aerators.

It’s not a very well known fact, but I like my Gin!Now - here’s where you’ll find me most nights fromJune. A brilliant new concept has been developed byLeo, the personable proprietor of El Coliseo in Chi-clana centre - it a bar with a difference! This com-fortable al fresco bar specialises in fruit and ginbased cocktails, many of which are exclusively Leo’sown inventions. What about a Hendrick’s with tonic

and cucumber- unbelievably tasty and refreshing - or a gin with strawberry,raspberry of cherry juice? Leo has over 40 different gins and 7 kinds of tonicsto offer, all mixed expertly with fresh fruit - no canned or bottled juices here! Ofcourse, there are other varieties of super drinks available for those who aren’tinto gin including rum and vodka based cocktails - a house speciality being the Pina Colada,made, of course, with fresh fruit. If you don’t drink alcohol, read on,because there are plenty of specialities just for you as well ..... nonalcoholic smoothies made with fresh fruit as a range of cocktails.This is just the place to visit on one of those warm summerevenings when a relaxing hour and a tantalisingly refreshing drinkis the order of the day. You’ll be made welcome by Leo -whoseEnglish is better than mine - and his staff. C’mon down andbring your friends - then it’s off to El Coliseo for a game of pool.

Gin & Juice -just waiting for you Gin and Strawberry

Join us here this summer

Jim at European Pool Serviceshas the top tips for

a tip top pool

STOP PRESS ....... New “Anti Crisis” menus availableNº 1 -Buffet of fried foods, salads, meats, sushi, rice dishes, crispy duck, sweets etc (everythingexcept wok and plancha cooked dishes) Adults 7.90 euros - Kids up to 9 yrs 4.90 (Not avail-able weekends and fiestas)Nº 2 - Normal menu Monday - Friday lunch time and evening now 10.95 - Kids from 3-6yrs - 5.50, Kids 7-11 yrs 9.50, - Kids under 3 Free.Nº 3 - As above, but weekends and fiestas all day Adults 12.95, Kids 3-6 yrs 5.50, Kids7-11 yrs 9.50, Kids under 3 Free

It’s that time of the year again and everybody is starting to open their pools ready for the nice warmsunny summer. Some will be green, some will still be clear, some will have problems, hopefully nottoo many.Firstly, for the ones that are green, you will probably need to give it a good shock dose, with eitherliquid chlorine or a shock granule. Remember to test the ph level of your water, because if you useliquid chlorine it will raise your ph, therefore you need to test it and reduce the ph as close to 7.2 aspossible to give you the best effective use of your chlorine. Don’t forget to check your chlorine lev-els, if it’s very green it will eat your chlorine quick, so keep a check on it.You will need to run your pump until your water clears, don’t forget to give it a good backwash whilecarrying out this process, because if you don’t, your filter may not work correctly. When clear, vacout your pool carefully.For those of you who are lucky enough to still have clear water but with a dirty bottom (!), you justneed to carefully vac out the debris from the bottom of the pool. When doing this it might be advis-able to vac your pool to waste, so that all the dust does not return into the pool. When you have fin-ished this process, check your chemical levels and hopefully you would be aiming to achievechlorine levels of 1.5 to 2ppm and 7.2 to 7.6 on the ph scale (nearer 7.2 if possible).Just to clear one or two things up, I get asked a lot what is the best multifunction tablet? A lot ofmultifunction tablets such as 4, 6, 8, 10 and 12 actions are nothing more than a sales gimmick.There is a very minute trace of the elements in these tablets and over the season they turn out veryexpensive. The easiest and cheapest way is to buy straight forward chlorine tablets or granules, orsome people prefer liquid chlorine to sanitise their pools. To control your ph, some people preferagua fuerte and some prefer the ph granule which is a dry acid that you carefully mix with water.When working with any type of chemicals please be very cautious and careful and never mix them.A lot of pools in Spain have poor circulation and it would be advisable to buy a reasonable-to-goodquality algaecide which will help prevent your pool from going green. To give your water that nicesparkle there are now several flocculants available in the pool shops in this area. They are basi-cally an aluminium sulphate tablet to help take the smaller dust particles from the water.There are also other methods of sanitising your water, one of which I get asked a lot about is saltchlorination, and we can discuss this in future issues.If you need any advice or any information, it’s only a call or email away!This information is only a guideline to help you, if in doubt or you require further information, do nothesitate to email or call.Email: epools@hotmail.co.uk, Phone: 956233219 or Mobile: 699524776

ASTRONOMER - MOON STARER DESPERATION - A ROPE ENDS IT THE EYES - THEY SEE THE MORSE CODE - HERE COME DOTS

Here are a few fun anagrams....

Some of us are old enough to remember the ballrooms over Burtonsin every large town in the UK.Well, now here`s the Spanish equivalent. It`s not over Burton`s, butit`s the same idea.... La Cabaña Del Buda has arrived! As you enter via the huge marble staircase,it is as though you are setting foot in a clas-sic cinema or theatre back in the fifties..therich red carpet and classic decor will take

you back to a more refined time when these things mattered!Upstairs it`s a magnificent function room and ballroom all rolled intoone. It`s huge, beautifully decorated and well equipped. Simply a greatplace to be and just what we need to banish those blues from time totime. From tea dances to excercise classes the unique La Cabaña deBuda is just the place to go.

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear good readers.....how do I write about this without upsetting some of you? Anew advertiser has come on board the good ship Baywatch and I’m instructed to tell you all about thegoods and services they have to offer, but I’m not even sure I can let Mrs Gruntfuttock know I’ve been inthere to have a look! Oh well, here goes.........You see, nowadays, it’s not all dirty raincoats, false beards, dark glasses and furtive glances around be-fore entering (oops.... can I say that?), but there seems to be a place in society for the specialist “Adult”supplies shop. Lots of people spice up their love lives with the aid of various toys and things, and it’sabout time the more prudish amongst us accepted the fact.One of the most successful mail order businesses on the planet is Anne Summers and now Chiclana hasit’s own version of this as a “cash and carry” - postal charges are exorbitant in Spain, so it makes senseto buy locally and save money. There’s a massive range of party novelties and gifts as well, so next timeyou need something different for a birthday or whatever, try there for a fun gift.

A teenage boy asked his granny, “Have you seen my pills?- they were in a bottle labelled LSD”

His Granny said “Never mind them - have you seen those dragons inthe kitchen?

Old Silas caught his wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He got out hisshotgun, put it to his head, looked at his Wife and said "Don't laugh, you’m next!”

In El Colorado, you will find the best range of Pizzas and Italian delicacies on offer served up in aconvivial and comfortable atmosphere. The range is second to none, the service impeccable and the whole experience will leave youwanting to return again and again. Join the friendly staff and bring your friends to have a great nightout. Also remember, the whole diverse range on offer is available as take away . Just ring yourorder in and collect it when you`re ready. Lorenzo is ready and able to prepare you the best in PIz-zas - go on, get over there and give it a try.

Doctors in Wales have defined a new obsessive disorder as Tom Jones Syndrome. Thepatient keeps singing “The Green Green Grass of Home”" When asked by our reporterif it was common, a spokesman remarked “Well, It’s Not Unusual” It has been announced this week that Viagra is now available in tea bags. Apparently itdoesn't enhance your sexual performance but it does stop your digestive biscuit goingsoft. Johnny Entwhistle, aged 14 of Oldham-On-Sea was in court yesterday accused of theftof a mountain bike. He said, in his defence, “For ages I’ve prayed every night for a newbike, but I realised that the Lord in his infinite wisdom didn’t work that way. So instead,Ipinched this one and asked Him to forgive me”.Channel 4 have announced a new series where four Jeremy Kyle guests take it in turns to cookfrozen pizzas and Pot Noodles for each other.It's called “Scum Dine With Me”.

Staff at a Cornwall job centre refused to place Denzil Clutterworthy of Penzance after,when applying for a job as a blacksmith, the employment officer said “Have you evershoe-ed a horse?” and Mr Clutterbuck was heard to reply “No, but I once told a donkey tobugger off”A new U.K. Home Office directive has suggested that to prevent burglars stealing every-thing in the house, occupants simply move everything in the house into their bedroomwhen they go to bed. In the morning they should simply move it all back again. The wedding of two television arials was held in Little Cringeworthy church last Saturday.A village spokesman said “The service wasn’t up to much, but the reception was excel-lent”Yesterday it was announced that a new method of fending off shark attacks has beendeveloped by Marine Biology researchers. If you are ever unfortunate enough to beapproached by a shark, they recommend that you swim towards it aggressively andpunch it on the nose with as much force as possible. If this doesn’t work, they suggestyou beat the shark with your stump.Lower Shufflewick police officers have been issued with sheets of very thin paper andpencils. Constable Bert Cringeworthy explained “They’m very ‘andy when we needs totrace somebody” Finally.........A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in a cave on a smarturbanisation near El Colorado. Archaeologists believe it may be a Pharaoh Roche.

I bought my wife a Memory Stick, it's a great invention. She hasn't forgottenthe housework, my beer, dinner or sex once since the first time I whacked her with it!

BAYWATCH ...your only effective advertising choice for the Costa de la Luz

The most popular place to eat, drink and bemerry in Pago del Humo is Casa Blas where ateam of staff headed by the personable (andEnglish speaking) Blas are waiting to welcomeyou. All the year round you’ll find great food atvery reasonable prices along with regular enter-tainment nights. The restaurant here offers afabulous a la carte menu in delightful surround-ings and if you prefer the menu del dia in thehustle and bustle of the main bar you’ll find greatvalue. Now, Blas has bowed to Brit opinion andoffers a full English Breakfast every day, with theusual fry-up using British sourced ingredients,cooked just the way we all like. Certainly worthpopping in for this tasty treat - it makes a greatstart to the day, although it’s available all day,not just in the morning.... c’mon, let’s go.

There are many restaurants in the area, but from time to time, almost all expats yearn for some goodold British food. Well, the answer can be found in the new innovation made by Simon, the new ownerof the former Lemon Tree, the new Pizzaiolo Rocks.In addition to the tasty wood oven pizzas, ------- unique taste and preparation as in the old school-now everyone can enjoy the taste of traditional British cuisine. There is also a new offering - the RoastMixed Grill Special comprised of delicious speciality Iberian meats. Pizzailo Rocks are committed toquality, which is why the Iberian products purchased for these Iberian grills carry the quality seal thatguarantees the high standard of the Jabugo Iberian products supplied by our friend Steve of Litch-fields.Chef Wayne surprises us each week with a diverse range of typical British dishes, among which weoffer Steak Pie, fish and chips, roast pork and beef , curry of the day, Liver and bacon pie and more.On Sunday Evenings or Mondays we will announce on the Baywatch and MyCadiz forums the specialdishes of the week, and if you have any suggestions feel free to make them – we'll do our best to com-ply. As an additional service, all meals can be provided to take away.In order to make expatriates feel at home, there are English speaking staff to cater to your every whim.Additionally, there is live music from time to time adding to the overall atmosphere and your enjoy-ment. Coming up on Saturday 29th June is our first anniversary party – a great night with music for listeningor dancing by Lee Dean – why not join us in our celebrations!Isn't it about time you visited Pizzaiolo Rocks to try the best they have to offer?Our Summer opening times will take effect on June 17th – full details in our advertisement. If youhave any queries in the meantime, call us on 956 49 23 94 during office hours.

The “Ni-Ni” ProblemAfter the wettest “Spanish Monsoon” since 1947 – the weather has finally changed. In the words of the“Beach Boys” - “Summer's Coming Soon” - and not a moment too soon in the opinion us here at theSheep Pen. But summer brings other problems. The “doorstep culture” of our adopted country is at oncea blessing – and a curse – because the streets will soon be taken over by an entire subculture of mar-ginal youth. “Los Ni-Ni”, unemployed young people who “Ni Estudia, Ni Trabaja” - who aren't working andaren't in formal education – is a problem that affects between 25-30% of the population under the age of25.The larger problem – is that the average Ni-Ni behaves like a juvenile delinquent thug– causing problemsin the neighbourhood for everybody. Black Sheep lives in what used to be a nice mixed working classarea: Young couples with young children, older couples with large families who have moved away andthen arrive for major fiestas – increasing the population of the street almost ten-fold. There is a smatter-ing of incomers – of which we are the unique English family in the street – if not in the entire barrio itself.The only other foreigners here are the Latinos who spoke Spanish when they arrived – which is an ad-vantage in itself.But over the last 9 years – the mix has changed. The kids next door are now stroppy teenagers withmopeds, girlfriends and horrible mobile phones that play tinny music into the wee small hours. They at-tract more Ni-Ni types – and the end result is a permanent fiesta on the corner of our street – and on thedoorsteps of both ourselves and the rest of the neighbours. They don't respect the communal space. The drinking, shouting and laughing will continue until 2-3AM –annoying many neighbours who have young children. The conversation – such that it is – is a mixture ofteenage bravado alongside continual plans for robberies, drug-deals and enough swearwords to make adocker blush. In the morning the entire street is a mess – nutshells, empty McMuck wrappers, tins, bot-tles, broken glass and anything else you can think of – but would rather not. The problem is the lack of respect. When the locals finally get annoyed enough to threaten action – theNi-Ni respond with abuse – even when threatened with the police and the Guardia Civil. The other prob-lem is that the Ni-Ni – although not working – always seem to have enough money to smoke pot anddrink beer. They wear designer clothes – t-shirts and shorts so expensive that the money they spend onan annual basis would keep me in clothes for the next 10 years.Where does the money come from? The two major sources of income here are drug-dealing and scrapmetal. We all know the drugs come from Morocco – but the scrap metal? Quite simple really – the Ni-Niare converting prime houses into ruins – as they strip out the window frames, copper cabling, water pipesand anything else they can sell. Several blocks of apartments and flats have been totally gutted – brandnew buildings that the bank has repossessed are nothing more than modern ruins. Here at the SheepPen a bombona was stolen the first in 9 years. From talking to my neigbours – I am not alone in this prob-lem. Apparently they get 3 euros for a bombona – not even enough for a lump of hashish – but they stealthem anyway.But what can we do as residents? When the Ni-Ni scofflaws laugh at our attempts to protect what is ours– it is time to take action. Residents of marginal barrios need to form action groups to protect themselves– forge links with the local police and the Guardia Civil – forming a multi-national form of the good oldfashioned “Neighbourhood Watch”. If we all work together – we can solve the Ni-Ni problem – but weneed to start now.

It’s new.. It’s informative It’s...The Baywatch Fun ForumTo get there, simply go to our website at www.baywatchspain.comand you’ll find a button there that will take you to thereA little girl went into a pet shop and asked "Excuthe me, do you have any icklewabbits?".The shop keeper's heart melted. He got down on his knees so that he was onher level and said "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy bwackwabbit? Or maybe one like that widdle bwown one over there?". The little girl

blushed, rocked on her heels, put her hands on her knees, leaned forward and whis-pered....... "I don't weally fink my pyfon gives a toth”

After having been closed for a long time, we bid awelcome return to the well known Venta Pepe inPinar de los Franceses. The new owner, Jose waswell know to a lot of us from his time spent at VentaGarza, where he proved to be a popular addition tothe staff there. He has now moved on and will betaking his own brand of sociability and humour to hisnew venta. He will be specialising in fresh localmeats, grilled on the barbecue and local fish andseafood dishes. Jose’s specials at the moment area full meal for two - either meat or fish based, com-prising of salad, main course, dessert and a bottle ofwine for just 25 euro for two people. Great value!These offers, coupled with bar snacks, drinks at sen-sible prices and a friendly and happy atmosphereguarantee you’ll want to return time and time again.There is a lot in the offing over the next few months, including large screen TV for football (yawn),special entertainment nights, bingo etc. etc. Of great benefit to all is Jose’s command of the Eng-lish language (he’s fluent and a bit of an Anglophile), who has an interest in all things British, soyou know you’ll be made extra welcome. Come and see and taste for yourself - you won’t be disap-pointed.

VENTA PEPE

Are you still not advertising in Baywatch? It’s the only way to get yourmessage across to the English speaking community on the Costa de la Luz. It’s costeffective and it works! Call us on 678 745 025 and find out how we can help

Horizontales1. enfermadad del hígado3. para pensar5. para sorber8. para embrazar9. hecho de calcio11. pintura del piel14. narcóticos18. para probar los sabores19. cicatriz del cordón umbilical20. líquido rojo

Verticales1. hace latidos2. para oír4. temperatura alta6. diente7. médico10. para digerir12. encima de los ojos13. para respirar14. para teclear15. para ver16. líquido de boca17. dermis

HERE`S YOUR REGULAR CROSSWORD - IT´S NOTTOO DIFFICULT THIS MONTH, BUT IT`S ALL INSPANISH, SO YOU`LL HAVE TO WORK A BIT!

A Welshman and a Cornishman were sitting down one day debating who had the superiorculture. The Welshman said "We have Caernarfon Castle." The Cornishman said "We’ve got the Eden Project."The Welshman said "We’ve got great rugby players." The Cornishman said "We’ve got even better ones." This went on for nearly an hour until finally, the Welshman said triumphantly "We invented sex." The Cornishman nodded slowly and thought for a minute then replied "Ar, that may be so boy,but t’was the Cornish who introduced it to women."

There are some great restaurants in this area, including some thatpurport to be fish and seafood specialists, but I have just visitedone that really deserves a place in the ratings For the best thereis, visit Restaurante El Huerto which is situated in the most fantas-tic position on the beach at Conil, lending itself to a natural ambi-ence in accord with the fare they offer...after all. how much closerto the source of your ingredients can you get? One of the housespecialities is “Productos Almadraba” which is prepared from

freshly caught local Tuna from Barbate - it’s phenomenallytasty and a real gastronomic treat. Also available is whatcan be, I suppose, classed as the Spanish version ofSushi - known as “Sushimi”, prepared, of course, with fab-ulously fresh fish. Overall, it’s a fusion of traditional andleading edge cuisine, giving you a taste to remember. Ifyou visit their website, you will see images of some of thedishes they will offer you. So, all in all, a real fish and seafood treat awaits you. There’s a maphere to guide you, so get going!

After 30 years of marriage, Jethro and Emelda were lying in bed one evening when Emelda feltJethro begin to fondle her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.It tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of herback. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly working his hand down over her stopping justover her stomach.He then put his hand on her left inner arm, and caressed her side again, working down until hepassed gently over her buttocks and down her leg to her calf.Then he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He con-tinued in the same manner on her right side.Then suddenly he stopped, rolled over and started watching TV.As Emelda had loved every minute of the loving and gentle touch of her husband, she asked in aseductive voice, “Yer Jethro, that felt proper noice, why did ‘ee stop?”Jethro turned to her and said “I found the remote.”

Take nearly 400 people bent on having a great time dancing and singing along to their favouritemusic, add the fact that they’re nearly all Irish (a friendly and fun-loving breed) and you have therecipe for a hand-clapping, foot stomping time. At this time of year, as over the past 25 years, Chi-clana (well, La Barrosa) has played host, this year at the Barrosa Gardens Hotel, to a fun loving,warm hearted and exuberant crowd - whose favourite traditional Irish music has fused brilliantlywith Country music to bring a happy, danceful and entertaining mix of musical styles to this part ofSpain where there’s a dearth of any type of live music other thanFlamenco and Sevilliana.This musical feast - for that’s what it surely is - is brought here eachMay by the well-known Irish Music Tour guru Paul Clafferty, whosecompany have been arranging this type of thing for more years thanhe cares to remember. For six nights (and some afternoons) wewere treated to some of the most musically able and well knownIrish talent. From the superb Mike Denver Band featuring MikeDenver himself who can sing up a storm, that hilarious comicConal Gallen who had the crowds rolling about, a great vocalistDerek Ryan with a terrific range and a big personality to match,

The Conquerors a superbly capable band of real musicians with their greatdance music and a late addition to the ensemble, a real family outfit - a mother,son and daughter act, whose really pheromonal har-mony work and the energetic leaping about of themale third of the ensemble brought the audience totheir feet on several occasions. These were “CrystalSwing”, and they’re surely going to go places ifthere’s any justice at all. Stealing the limelight, onceagain, was the irrepressible Michael English - an un-believably able and entertaining multi instrumental andvocal performer, whose close to two hour set wasenough to earn him a standing ovation. Forget watch-ing these TV talent shows where some young goodlooking boy can sing one song - these performers arethe real thing - they know their business and can de-liver the goods for more than three minutes at a time.

On Sunday afternoon we attended the poolside show - what a way to spend a few hours in thesun. We were treated to some great music and it was with uncontrolled delight I saw an IrishCountry legend take the stage. Brendan Quinn, who has had more hits in Ireland than anyoneelse I can think, of loped onto the stage and his voice just captivated the crowd. With a relaxedstyle reminiscent of Don Williams and a warm voice to equal that of the late Jim Reeves, he enter-tained us all for two hours in the sun - and he never even took his hat off! I had the great privilegeof spending some time backstage with him and I’m glad I did - a real performer who learnt his craftthe hard way - and it shows! Also, I was heartened that I’m not the only old swinger about!

What a fantastic week.........The show’s off to Portugal later in the year, and I think I’ll bemaking the trip (Carry yer bags Guv’nor?).

Michael English joins inpoolside

Crystal Swings in action

the legendaryBrendan Quinnby the pool

BAYWATCH... Your numberone for info and fun

Jethro was reminiscing withDenzil one night when he said“Yer, when I were very young,we was so poor we couldn'teven afford to pay attention”

Hello again readers. The weather continues to surprise us and the unusual patterns both here andat home are certainly affecting the wildlife with the migration the oddest I`ve yet seen.First of all two bits of good news. The common cranes that wintered in La Janda were very late inleaving for their breeding grounds in the boreal forests and bogs in the far north and north east.One pair however, and they may well be La Janda birds, have decided to nest in a part of Britainthat last saw them over 400 years ago.The location is obviously well guarded and here`s hoping.On the Chiclana front I was pleased to here of, and then to be able to observe an unusual nestingbird for this area.

A pair red-rumped swallows have taken up residence under a bridge inour town. They would normally nest and feed in more remote hilly andmountainous locations. We have all seen the cup shaped nests of mudthat barn swallows construct but this species builds the mud into aclosed shaped with an entrance tunnel. As their name implies theyhave a pale rusty red rump, (the barn swallows is dark) and a similarly

coloured nape behind the head, also it`s `jizz`, (a birdwatching term for the way it moves) is some-where betweena swallow and a house martin. If anyone wishes to see this bird contact Baywatchand Lee will pass you on to me. I`ll be more than happy to show you the location.I recently saw my first Spanish badger, but sadly it was lying dead by the side of one of the narrowroads in La Janda.The roads are not too bad in general there but many of the people who workthere have 4x4`s and inevitably it seems these days drive at breakneck speed. Road kill is everspreading.A Spanish birder has told me that the Junta have introduced Ospreys to breed on the Embalse deCelemin, not far from Benalup, and I will be going there this week and hopefully in the next issue Iwill be able to confirm this.And finally a fact to amaze..... The thrush family is a large one and amongst it`s numbers are thewheatears. A favourite of mine they are slender, elegant and beautifullyplumaged. We see three species here, the northern,the black eared and theblack, (the latter more often seen in hilly, rocky areas a little further south andeast). The northern breeds here and in Britain,migrating through Spain fromAfrica.Amongst it`s numbers is a sub-species called the Greenland wheatear,which, as it`s name suggests breeds in Greenland and even further west inCanada.Barely 6" long, including the tail, and weighing only a few grams this lit-tle guy,or gal, crosses huge oceans, estimated to involve 2,400 km non stop flights in 30 hours.Beat that Eddie Izzard!!!!Bye for now ....... Chile

A man approached a pretty young woman in a shop. He said "I can't find my wife, would you mind if I spoke to you for a few minutes?" The woman said "Of course you can, but why?” The man replied “Whenever I talk to an atractive woman like you, she appears out ofnowhere!"

The DubtonezAn Italian, a German, a Jamaican and twoEnglishman walk into a bar… no it’s notthe beginning of a random joke but theformation of the coolest band in Cadizregion. It was early last summer when thefive members of the band, drawn together by their mutual love of reggae, began sessionsaround El Palmar. With a bass player who used to work for the Stones on one of BillWymans old guitars, a Jamaican rapper/rhythm guitar player, a German metronomicdrummer and former DJ/MC as singer topped off with the multitalented flair of an Italianlead guitarist, shortly after their first sessions the bookings flooded in.Basing their set on the classic rhythms of late 70’s early 80’s Jamaican ska/reggae/dubwith such favourites as “Stir it up”,“Monkey Man” and “Police and Thieves” they alsobranched out with some very original intepretations of classics such as “Rehab”, Whatsgoing on” and “Aint no sunshine” to name but a few. A regular weekly slot at Pica de laOla on the seafront at El Palmar garnered a loyal local following at sunset every Mondayand soon bookings at Zahara de los Atunes, Huelva, Bambu at Sancti Petri, Canos deMeca followed to round off a busy first summer.After spending the winter in various studios in the region, writing and practising, they nowhave a new CD ready to launch with over a dozen wholly original tracks with guest vocal-ists and sax player but still rooted in the dubby reggae vein. Stand out tracks to listen outfor are D Day and Limbo Land with lyrics reflecting on the current crisis and everyday so-lutions. So this is reggae for the new millenium still with a social conscious and designedto keep a smile on your face and a spring in your step on the dance floor.Alongside the group, as a separate booking, there is the Dubtunez Dj Sound System withup to three DJ’s, laptops, samplers and sound effects plus guitar, vocals and percussion.Playing all aspects of reggae from early bluebeat and ska through to dub and dancehallthis is very popular in its own right with every Sunday Sunset in May and June, and prob-ably beyond, at Poniente Bar (ex Gadir) just outside Vejer near the paragliding take offpoint. There will also be a residency for Dubtunes DJs at El Dorado, the hippest bar onthe beach at El Palmar with West Indian BBQon Monday nights from mid June.Ideal for cool bars, weddings or parties bookings for the group or DJ Sound System canbe organised by contacting Louis on 600019997 or email either djlouismac@hotmail.comor shaunclarkeworld@yahoo.co.uk with your details and requirements. You might need tobook well in advance as the season is hotting up in more ways than one!

HERE’S SOMEMUSIC NEWS !.......

Jethro’s wife came home from shopping and said to him "Have you ever seen a twenty pound noteall crumpled up?" "No" he said.She gave him a sexy little smile, reached into her ample cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twentypound note."Have you ever seen a fifty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked."No," he said.She gave him another sexy little smile, reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fiftypound note. "Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 10,000 pounds all crumpled up?""No," said Jethro, now completely intrigued. She said "Well, go and ‘ave a look in the garage."

don’t forget to visit the new Baywatch Forum - Go to www.baywatchspain.com and click on the link

When your kitchen appliance lets you down, don`twaste time and money fixing it, because in our shopnew appliances are available at unbeatable pricesand include a 2 year warranty. Our customers arevery satisfied with the quality of our service and ourspeed.Take advantage of all our summer offerings.We have a variety of brands(Indesit, Bosch, Teka, Schneider, Beko etc...) and allat affordable prices to suit every pocket.We are very near Eroski, just off the new roundaboutand offer a wide range of quality appliances for allsituations. We also have a large display of kitchenswith different types of doors and worktops and wecan make your kitchen to suit your budget.We have an exclusive computer design program sothat you can see how your kitchen would look com-pletely finished in 3D. Our goal is simply to fulfil yourneeds whilst giving a friendly and trustworthy serv-ice. For more information, call us now.

Blasé about Ticks? I hope not ......If you walk your dogs in the woods or long grassy areas, you need to checkfor and remove ticks as soon as you get home. There are diseases carried byticks that can affect your dogs and you. Ticks can be removed easily with tickremovers purchased from pet shops for a reasonable cost.There are three main diseases transmitted by ticks: Lyme, Babesia & ErhlichiaAll three have broadly similar signs and symptoms and a simplified list below indicates most ofthem:.

Lyme Babesia Erhlichia fever fever feverloss of appetite loss of appetite loss of appetitepainful joints weakness lethargydepression lethargy weight loss vomiting pale gums/tongue vomitingthirst red/orange urine nose bleedsswollen lymph nodes swollen lymph nodes swollen lymph nodesswollen spleen swollen spleen swollen spleen

jaundice bruisingdiarrhoeadepressionanaemia

All are difficult to diagnose relying heavily on history as well as blood tests. All can cause kidneydisease in severe cases.Treatment varies between specialised drugs, antibiotics and blood transfusions. If your dog has a thick coat or a long coat finding the little blighter's can be difficult – check betweentoes, ears, head and chest level first as these are the most likely places before moving on to checkthe rest of the body. Use of preventative collars and drops will significantly reduce or eliminate therisk of ticks on your dog. As Lyme disease is also a human disease, tick removal and prevention becomes all the more im-portant.Dealing with ticks takes time and money (collars and drops), possible consequences of not dealingwith them, will take lots of time and lots of moneyBe Tick Aware!P.S. Worm your dog every three months – I know most people forget this one! Especially importantif your dog has contact with children.

The Pet Page is sponsored by: K9 Style Grooming and Boardingwww.k9cadiz.com Tel: 666208741

HAPPY ENDING - FINAL FELIZA regular round-up of information tokeep you up to date and informed ofthe work of this commendable charity

The first thing I´d like to do is to thank Jilly from LDH for the amazing marathon run she undertookon behalf of Happy Ending-Final Feliz. She suffered injuries during her hard training and had achest infection on the day. Nevertheless, she managed to raise over €2,246 from the race and thebringing home the medal party. This amount considerably reduced the vet´s bill and we are all is soindebted to her. Well done Jilly.At the moment we are short of volunteers at the kennels. If you can lend a hand, even occasion-ally, we would be very grateful. If you are interested in becoming a volunteer, either to help clean,feed or walk the dogs then please contact Margarita on 617 099 706.If, by any chance you have a ladder of 6 meters or more that you don´t want any longer, then wewould love to have it as we need one this height to get to the top of the water containers. Also ifanyone would like to donate a strimmer, we would be really grateful as the one we have leaks fueland can´t be used. If anyone is interested in helping out then please contact Margarita.If you would like to donate then you can do so via PayPal on our website http://www.happy-ending-final-feliz.eu or by transfer to our main account. Caja Rural del Sur, Avenida de los Descubrimientos134, 11130 Chiclana de la Frontera, Cádiz. .acct no: 3187 0133 12 3019069313 Asociacion HappyEnding - Final Feliz

ATTENTION MOTORISTS.......You may not know, but the administration has no obligation to inform you of any traffic fines youmay get, nor do the Old Bill have to stop you to nick you..All traffic fines are now published on the BOE and as it’s ages after the event, you can’t appeal ortake advantage of the quick settlement discount. They’re crafty buggers aren’t they?Well, now some enterprising Robin Hood has set up a website carrying all the details, so you justenter your NIE and vehicle registration and they will tell you if there are any outstanding fines be-fore they’re published in the official gazette, so you’ll be able to deal with them quickly before theyembargo your bank, house, car and dog. Do yourself a favour and go to: www.buscamultas.com

More and more we’re all getting aware of the importance of being a responsible and caring petowner, and thankfully, this is certainly true in the case of the local indigenous population.There is now a superb new veterinary centre open in Chiclana, just around the corner from the newBurger King, and this centre offers every kind of care that your pet is likely to need. The facilities inthis new practice are second-to-none, with a fully equipped operating theatre, three separate setsof recovery/hospital room facilities, a fully equipped laboratory for blood analysis, a state of the artgrooming parlour, a veterinary pharmacy - in fact everything required to make this a top practice.

Actually, the next time I feel poorly, I’m quitelikely to pop down there myself!The original business was established in 1994supplying animal foodstuffs and everythingassociated with animal husbandry and farm-ing, and it has been a natural progression toadvance in the direction of the care and treat-ment of animals, both domestic pets and farmlivestock, and to this end there is a very expe-rienced and dedicated team who are there todeal with all your pet’s needs.To coincide with the opening, there are somespecial offers to enable you to visit and see

for yourself the facilities and treatments that are available, and, interestingly, there is a conferenceroom/teaching facility where training and information aboutresponsible pet ownership will be taking place.Yes, this is a forward-looking and well equipped operation (no pun intended), and will be there tohelp you in what can be difficult and distressing times. Don’t worry about the language, there areEnglish speakers there and more than enough parking. What more can be said? Pop on downand see for yourself.

My Hacker Life: Part 41993 was the apogee of my hacker life. It was the best of times and the worst of times – but I didn't knowit yet. I had absorbed the techniques of hacking to the point that nobody was safe on the Internet. Small things confirmed my power and control. While talking to a university friend he complained that hecouldn't login to his UNIX account because he had lost his password. I fixed it by non-standard means. Ibroke into the computer that hosted his account – and changed his password using admin level privi-leges. I phoned him up 30 minutes later and told him his new password. It was a game for me – a way to evade the petty restrictions of system administrators who didn't want theaverage undergraduate to have access to the internet. I fixed it unofficially in ways that are probably ille-gal now. I was a hacker – and I loved it – the next step was to meet more hackers.The Dutch organisation “Hacktic” were early hacktivists promoting “Open Access” to the Internet. In 1993they announced a hacking festival called “Hacking at the End of the Universe”. Somehow six adults, fourchildren and an old 286 PC made their way across to Holland. We found out that the “World's LargestOutdoor LAN” had problems. We renamed it “Hacking at the End of the End of the Universe”. So the in-ternet connection was a little flaky – but that was not what we were there for. Two days of workshops,group discussions, some hacking and a chance to touch base with our peers was the best thing.When I returned to England - I started attending the monthly meetings of the London “2600” group. Itmight come as a surprise to people who think the stereotypical hacker is an unwashed loner who has atotal lack of social skills – although I have met some who do fit the stereotype – but hackers are very so-cial. The monthly “2600” meetings are a chance to catch up with other hackers, to drink beer and talkabout hacking, computers, information technology. All the stuff that fanboy techno-geeks love – andsends most people into a trance. At last I found myself in a peer-group that understood my obsession –because they had the same obsession.I hooked up with the notorious English hacker “ZAP”. If you have never heard of him it is because he wasone of the hackers who were good enough not to get caught. There are bold hackers and old hackers –but there are very few old, bold hackers. Eventually they hack themselves into a prison cell.We founded a UK based online hacking magazine called “Phreak/Hack United Kingdom” (P/H-UK) whichwe distributed anonymously via the “2600” group. A Google search might turn up a few copies of thiselectronic magazine even today. On the internet you can never fully erase your digital history and oldUSENET posts can come back to haunt you years later.It was the social grouping of hackers that caused problems. Working together on the internet we commu-nicated together, shared information and software, sometimes shared hacks. This was the downfall of thegroup. Several high-profile police raids led to the removal of vast amounts of confiscated floppy disks,hard disks, computers and printouts. Any of which could implicate all of us in an alleged “hacking conspir-acy”. Freaking out and paranoid about arrest – I did the only thing possible. I shredded my printouts,wiped my floppy disks, and reformatted my hard drives. I was no longer a “hacker” - now I was an “Ex-Hacker”. My “Hacker Life” had ended forever. The onlything I kept was my “2600 Blue-Box” t-shirt – which led to another adventure. But that is a story for an-other time.

Hiya sports lovers of Baywatch. I’m back again with a roundup of events since the last edition.Marathon Running - This is quite amusing .... there was a recent Marathon in Sunderland whichturned into a complete fiasco. The winner, Jake Harrison was the only runner to complete the courseand had built up such a big lead that he was out of sight to all the other runners, which resulted in the2nd and 3rd runners taking a wrong turning approaching the finishing area and the rest of the runnersfollowed them and finished up running 264 yards short of the 26miles 385 yards distance. What a dis-appointment for them all (apart from Jake Harrison )of course. Also see below for details of Jilly’sresult in Manchester.Triathalon - Alistor Brownlee opened the World Triathalon Championship Competition with a victoryin the San Diego leg, wining in a time of 1hr 47mins 16secs, Adam Bowden(GB) was 6th and DavidMcNammee(GB) was 10th. Alistor’s brother, Jonathan is recovering from an operation so unfortu-nately was unable to compete.Rugby - 6 Nations ( continued from last edition ) Wales won the 6 Nations Tournament –

Wales bt Italy 26 -9, Scotland 28-18 and England 30-3.England bt France 23 -13, and Italy 18-11Scotland bt Ireland 12-8 and lost to France 23-16

Final Table P W D L F – A PtsWales 5 4 0 1 122 – 66 8England 5 4 0 1 94 - 78 8Scotland 5 2 0 3 98 – 107 4 Italy 5 2 0 3 75 – 111 4 Ireland 5 1 1 3 72 – 81 3France 5 1 1 3 73 - 91 3

Tennis - Britain’s Andy Murray (or to some Scotland’s Andy Murray ) continued his good performancein winning the Miami Masters beating Spain’s David Ferrier 2-6 , 6-4, 7-6 but then flopped in theMonte Carlo Masters , loosing in the 3rd round to Stanislav Worwinka 1-6,2-6, and since then he hadto retire, hurt, in the Italian Open against Spain’s Marcel Grannoles, and is now struggling to be fit forthe French Open. Boxing - British Heavyweight, David Price was surprisingly K.Od in the 2nd round by 41yr old Ameri-can Tony Thompson. This was David’s first professional defeat. Price now has a rematch with Thomp-son on 6th July in Liverpool Derek Chisora is hoping for a fight with Price (providing he beats Thompson)David Haye, former World Heavyweight Champion was due to make a comeback on June 29thagainst the German, Emanuel Charr, but Haye has sustained an injury in training to his hand, and hasbeen forced to postpone his return to the ring Scotland Ricky Burns retained his WBO Lightweight Title in beating Puerto Rican, Jose Gonzales whoretired in the 9th round with a wrist injury. Jose previously won all his 22 fights. Amir Khan beat Julio Diaz at Sheffield in April winning all 3 judges scores.Carl Froch is due for a re-match with Mikkel Kessler on May 25th. Their previous fight in 2010 wasconsidered to be one of the best fights of all time.

Boxing contd.......Lee Purdy (the Editor's got a dog called that) challenged IBF World Welterweight champion Devon(he lived there once) Alexander in America on Saturday 18th May and lost on a 7th round TKO.Lee was outfought and way out of his depth. Lee originally accepted the fight at short notice as theoriginal challenger Kell Brook pulled out of the title fight.Audley Harrison announced 3 weeks ago that he was retiring after 2 first round K/O defeats by De-notay Wilder and David Price. Harrison`s record is 31 wins and 7 defeats. He has now stated thathe is not returning – where does he go from here?Golf - The Masters Tournament in America was won by Adam Scot, in doing so became the firstAustralian to win the Coveted Green Jacket, (always presented to the winner ) Cycling - Chris Hoy has announced his retirement from the sport . Chris won 6 Gold Medals at theOlympics and 11 World Championship Gold medals , a well deserved retirement . Bradley Wiggins pulled out of the tour of Italy complaining of chest pains, but should be fit enoughfor the Tour De France. EDITOR’S NOTE: I think it was disgusting how everyone treated LanceArmstrong especially as he won the Tour de France 7 times whilst on drugs. When I was on drugs Icouldn't even find my bike!Football - Manchester United won the Championship for the 20th time. Alex Ferguson announcedhis retirement as United boss. He has been in charge since Nov 1986 . Under Fergie, United havewon 13 League Titles, 5 F.A Cups, 4 League cups, Champions League twice, and many other ti-tles. David Moyes has been chosen to replace him. Chelsea beat Benfica 2-1 in the Europa League final. with a 93rd min goal by Bratislav Ivanovic.Chelsea then became the 1st club to hold both major European Trophies at the same time ,( evenif it’s only for 2 weeks) when the European final is played at Wembley, between 2 German sides. The battle for the 3rd and 4th places went down to the final day of the season. The 3rd placedteam automatically get a place in the Champions league next season , the 4th placed team have toplay in a qualifying round . Chelsea finished 3rd , Arsenal 4th , and Tottenham 5th so Tottenhamwill now play in the Europa league.Tony Pullis resigned as Stoke City manager after 7 years in charge. Clubs without managersat the moment are Man City, Chelsea and Stoke City – who will take over. “ME” says PeasmoldGruntfuttock - “The money's better than running a magazine an` it's prob`ly fewer hours”.West Ham agreed to sign Andy Canoli on a permanent basis for 12 million pounds (“SEE” saidPeasmold). Jose Mourinho is expected to take over at Chelsea.Cricket – England crushed New Zealand in the first test at Lords. England bated first and scored232. N.Z. Then scored 205 – England then scored 213 in the second innings leaving N.Z. To score238 and were skittled ( that`s not cricket, old boy ) for 68 runs – the 10th lowest total at Lords.Broad took 7-44 in the second inningsWell, that’s it for now .. more next time, see ya in Eroski!Well done Jilly........Jilly of LHD recently took part in the Manchester Marathon.Unfortunately she was taken ill with a chest infection prior tothe race which hindered her training. However she still man-aged to take part and completed the distance in 5hrs47mins, raising over 2,250 pounds for her chosen charity,so well done to Jilly, who is still in training and hoping totake part in a half marathon in October, and we wish herluck. Here she is with her well deserved medal.......

Hello friends,Summer has finally arrived, so lets have a look at what we should be doing in the garden, wa-tering daily all your pots and make sure the irrigation works properly, it should have beenchecked and tested as one of your spring jobs. Dead-heading encourages new blooms, so walk round the garden and nip off all the dead bitsat least once a week. Mow lawns regularly, lawns are easier to mow if cut on a regular basis, little and often promotesbetter growth and makes life much easier than trying to struggle with long grass in the heat ofthe summer. Geranium moths are the blight of my garden, there is a product by greendell thatyou dilute with water 5cc/litre so it works out a lot cheaper than the pre mixed sprays. Usewashing up water nightly as a general insectacide as you wander with a glass of something coolround the garden. If necessary remember Chas 48 is an all rounder for most insect problemsbut if you have the tiny yellow flies covering oleanders just give them a real hearty spray withthe hose to dislodge the little blighters they dont need an insectaside just pretend you are yourfavourite super hero and zap them hard with the hose.Dont forget the pesky weeds, remember you can use glyfosato if you have large areas or vine-gar if you want to be organic and not use chemicals. Hoe any open areas of soil to keep theweeds down but also think of some mulch or bark to put down as this also keeps the weedsback. Ground cover is fantastic at hiding any weedy areas and after a time does strangle theweeds so you dont have as many. Aptenia,verbena or nasturtians will grow rampantly and giveloads of colour.You should all have your salad veges starting to grow now so remember to keep planting themin stages so you have all you need over the summer, but without an overdose of rotten lettucebecause you planted too many all at once. You dont want the neighbours running away whenthey see you in case you ply them with even more salads and veggies......Also start to thinkabout what you want to plant for the winter (planning not planting) as it will soon be septemberand we will want winter warmers.Enjoy all your familly and friends who come to visit and remember to get them helping, it is not achore but a pleasure!Have a safe and happy summer and see you in the autumn.

First of all I would like to apologise for my lack of enthusiasm but I have had nothing to reportsince my last message in November.The town hall planning department still haven't replied to our official letter regarding issues that af-fect electricity on white land and illegal housing in Chiclana. It was delivered early last summer, fol-lowed by a reminder in the autumn and rumour has it they don't have any plans on replying anytime soon (they must be overwhelmed with work). Our lawyers were hoping to use their reply to take these serious issues to the European court ofhuman rights and find out if it was legal to deny residents of any nationality basic services such aselectricity and water, but without an official written stance we are stuck in a stalemate. StrangelyI've had unconfirmed reports by members that other local councils such as Conil are allowing elec-tricity to some illegal homes because it would be against their legal rights to cut it off.According to a recent press release (Diario de Cadiz 23rd May) by the PVRE councillor Mrs.Marysol Ayala the provisional planning regulations should be ready in June (this year), howeverthese regulations are not the promised and long overdue new, new, new town plan, they are just atemporary patch to resolve issues that mainly affect big business in established urban areas suchas the town centre, la Barrosa and the Euroski zone. As far as I know they haven't agreed to add a clause that we and other local associations pro-posed to urgently recognise and re-classify the approximately 25,000 (so called) illegal houses asnot built on specially protected land which could then allow many of them to have electricity andbasic services without necessarily being urbanised. The general feeling is extremely frustrating,thousands of Spanish and foreign residents feel let down time and time again by political spin andcynical promises. Where are the results?ChiFRA are still supporting local charities to collect food for the needy and you can still show yoursolidarity by donating tinned food, rice, oil and legumes at the collection point in the “Hogar dePensionistas” in Chiclana (next to the football field) on any weekday morning. The internationalfood and musical event we held there at the end February involved over 200 people but only a fewof them were our members. I find it very sad that even though so many claim that that they want tointegrate they never seem to have the time. Many thanks to those of you who made the effort anda special thank you to “Mezcla Casual” for the great music - good time was had by all!We will be holding our AGM as usual at the Azahar Costa on the 26th of June at 7pm and hopesome of you will step up and offer your help to join the committee. It's a very unrewarding, oftenboring but necessary job. New blood is always useful to bring in new skills, ideas and keep us ontrack. As a committee member you will be part of a group of people who are the first to be “in theknow” and you will have the chance to voice your opinion and shape how we move forward.

Please remember to visit or web page www.chifra.org for the latest local news in English and up-dates on local events and click on the links to support our sponsors.Best regards,Roger Alan Holmes - ChiFRA President

Here’s the Sod-U-Doh & crosswordsolutions - how did you do?

Published by: Baywatch Publications U.K.102, Wareham Road,Lytchett Matravers,Dorset. BH16 6DTLocal Tel: 678 745 025

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CA-552/06 Who does what around here......Editor Lee DeanProduction Lee Dean Design Lee DeanStaying up all night toget it out on time Lee DeanMaking the tea Lee DeanTaking the blame Lee DeanDistribution Carol DeanListening to editor’smoaning Carol Dean

Copy and payment drop-off points:Box 34, The Post House, Los Gallos, Box 11, Milenuim Locutorio, C/Virgen del Carmen,(Road next to bus station by old bridge).

Regular Contributors include:Brian LambertPaul DayHelen HardyPeasmold GruntfuttockRoger HolmesCyJan Hill (Final Feliz)The Black SheepDr KFiona HicktonChile

Anything to say??? Why not join them, wealways welcome your contributions

How is the word “GHOTI” pronounced?????Answer is “FISH”...... Here’s how.....The GH in “enough” is pronounced “f”

The O in “women” makes the short “i” soundThe T in “nation” is pronounced “sh”Welcome to the English language!!!!

Right Ho--Here’s the Advertisers’ DirectoryIt’s our own version of Yellow Pages and we’ve tried to putthings under their appropriate headings as best we can.ANIMALS & PETS

Final Feliz 617 099 706Home Call Vet 685 521 157K9 Grooming 666 208 741Medina Sidonia Kennels 956 233 468The Dog House Kennels 638 144 925

BARS & RESTAURANTSAl Compas 956 409 578Bar Oasis 650 910 933Casa Blas 956 239 019Di Bocca di Bocca 687 303 972 El Coliseo 956 407 976Hotel Sindhura 956 448 568 Pizzaiola Rocks 620 140 191Thai Coco 687 217 349Trastienda 956 405 584Wok Chinese Buffet Libre 956 495 536

BUILDING & MAINTENANCE Adam 682 067067Clemente 634 336 788Nick (Painter) 636 060194SH Construcciones 617 466 295Spanish Builders 647 070 193Sueno Andaluz 956 498 502

PRINTING & PUBLICITYGraffiti 678 745 025

CARPENTRYSteve 680 958 785

COMMUNICATIONSLa Alternativa 956 531 347Sky Internet 628 811 969

COMPUTER SERVICESAt Your Service 600 885 081Colin Wood 658 307 518

ELECTRICALSteve Harris 679 195 027

FOODSTUFFSCreative Cakes 956 230 841 Litchfields 661 971 462Monopoly 956 531 297

GARDEN SERVICESChiclana Gardens 666 663 228Clemente 634 336 788Sueno Andaluz 956 498 502Pools & GardensYour Way 670 429 406

HEALTH & BEAUTYBarefoot & Beautiful 697 354130 Dental Anglada 956

1010 51Dr Alcia Gomez-Torrente(Dermatologist) 956 898 971 Dr Kate Walsh (GP) 678 672 210Dr Jover Hernando (Opthalmologist) 956 313 555Lola del Rio 956 53 08 07Optica Barbado 956 402 600Oscar Dentist 956 452 140Scootercuts 678 262 658 Tesoro’s 606 419 982

HOUSEHOLD & FURNISHINGLoCostKit 627 624 321Mr Wizard Cleaning 678 493 955House Clearance 674 516 550

INSURANCE & FINANCEBlevins Franks 952 809 212Foncusegur 659 974 690I Stand By You 659 293 766LHD Autos 956 495 388Maria 667 454 784

LEGAL SERVICESContaleg 653 243 610Fransisco Camacho 659 974 690Sonia M.G iron Pacheo 956 534 036Temple Cambria 617 073 659

LEISURE AND SPORTSCortijo Calinka 693 737 211La Patina 647 300 596

METALWORKINGCerrajeria El Tarifa 956 498 820

MOTORINGFred Stephen Mechanic 689 338 998LHD Autos 956 495 388

PLUMBING & GASGraeme Claytor 680 706 481Thermo Aqua 630 540 074

POOL MAINTENANCE Agua Pura 636 060 194Altamarino y Hijos 956 400 168Clear Water Pools 658 382 237European Pools 956 233 219Pools & Gardens Your Way 670 429 406Sueno Andaluz 956 498 502

PROPERTY LETTING& MANAGEMENT

CadizCasa 956 495 177Clear Sky 670 405 163KPM management 634 336 788M & S Maintenance 673 425 603Skyline Costa Luz 606 256 572Sueno Andaluz 956 498 502

SOLAR ENERGYThermo Aqua 630 540 074

TRANSLATION SERVICESMaria 667 454 784Martin DeWitte 678 128 757

TUITIONActive Language 956 221 426

TV/SATELLITE SERVICESColour Vision 956 494 415Steve Harris 679 195 027PLEASE NOTE:Many of these advertisers have morethan one contact number - see their adsfor additional ones.Inclusion in this directory does not imply arecommendation by us, although we arenot aware of the inclusion of any naughtyor nasty people.This directory listing is not intended to re-place the rest of the magazone, so don’tjust tear this page out and chuck the restaway.

Blevins Franks Financial Management Limited is authorised and regulated by the Financial Conduct Authority in the UK, reference number 179731. Where

advice is provided overseas, via the Insurance Mediation Directive from Malta, the regulatory system differs in some respects from that of the UK. Blevins

Franks Trustees Limited is authorised and regulated by the Malta Financial Services Authority for the administration of trusts and companies. Blevins Franks

Tax Limited’s advisers only give taxation advice and are fully qualified.

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952 809 212david.bowern@blevinsfranks.com