Assertive Communication - anderson1.org · Assertive Communication • __You choose and make...
Transcript of Assertive Communication - anderson1.org · Assertive Communication • __You choose and make...
Assertive Communication
Our communication patterns can
take several different forms:
• Aggressive—forceful and brutally honest
• Passive—allow others to make decisions
for you
• Passive-aggressive—manipulate others to
get your way
• Assertive—You choose your decisions,
but you are sensitive to others
Is Assertive
Communication not
your style?
Nice Lady
Bombshell
Whiner
Appeaser
Sellout Self-advocate
Clinging Vine
Silent Victim
Fairy Princess
Scardey Cat
Are you a:
BEING ASSERTIVE IS NOT MY STYLE
If being assertive is not your style – What is
your style?
How do you typically react to other people?
ARE YOU THE…
Nice Lady
who is afraid to say anything or do anything
that might offend anyone – especially
bureaucrats, because they will call you
other names instead of “nice lady”?
Passive
Whiner
who constantly whines and complains about:
a. The services you need and are not receiving?
b. How other people treat you when you ask for
services?
c. How professionals treat you when you try to
discuss your progress (or lack of progress)?
d. How bad everything is – but never does
anything about it?
Passive-aggressive
Clinging Vine
who clings to others and expects them to
stick up for your rights and intervene on
your behalf?
Passive
Silent Victim
who has resigned herself/himself to lack of
needed services because “there’s nothing
I can do about it”?
Passive
Fairy Princess
who expects everything to happen, and
every service to be delivered without any
effort on your part.
Passive-aggressive
Waiter
who waits for a miracle to happen, for
something someone promised, who
waits and waits and waits for someone else
to do something.
Passive
Bombshell
who fires angry missiles sporadically,
instead of calmly and methodically building
a good case for what you need?
Aggressive
Scaredy Cat
afraid that “if I make trouble they’ll get
back at me”?
Passive
Sellout Self-advocate
who makes deals with one group to get
services for himself/herself and pressures
others not to rock the boat?
Passive-aggressive
Appeaser
who compromises your needs because “if
I ask for too much they won’t give me
anything”?
Adapted and reprinted from “How to Get Services by Being Assertive” published by the Family Resource Center on
Disabilities, Chicago,
Passive
These are the traits of each
communication personality
Aggressive Communication
• __You choose and make decisions for others.
• __You are brutally honest.
• __You are direct and forceful.
• __You put others down to build yourself up.
• __You’ll participate in a win-lose situation only if you’ll win.
• __You demand your own way.
• __You feel righteous, superior, controlling – later possibly feeling guilt.
• __Others feel humiliated, defensive, resentful and hurt around you.
• __Others view you in the exchange as angry, vengeful, distrustful and fearful.
• __The outcome is usually that your goal is achieved at the expense of others. Your rights are upheld but others are violated.
• __Your underlying belief system is that you have to put others down to protect yourself.
Passive Communication
• __You allow others to choose and make decisions for you.
• __You are emotionally dishonest.
• __You are indirect and self denying.
• __You are inhibited.
• __If you get your own way, it is by chance.
• __You feel anxious, ignored, helpless, manipulated, angry at yourself and/or others.
• __Others feel guilty or superior and frustrated with you.
• __Others view you in the exchange as a pushover and that you don’t know what you want or how you stand on an issue.
• __The outcome is that others achieve their goals at your expense. Your rights are violated.
• __Your underlying belief is that you should never make someone uncomfortable or displeased except yourself.
Passive-Aggressive Communication
• __You manipulate others to choose your way.
• __You appear honest but underlying comments confuse.
• __You tend towards indirectness with the air of being direct.
• __You are self-enhancing but not straight forward about it.
• __In win-lose situations you will make the opponent look bad or manipulate it so you win.
• __If you don’t get your way you’ll make snide comments or pout and be the victim.
• __You feel confused, unclear on how to feel, you’re angry but not sure why. Later you possibly feel guilty.
• __Others feel confused, frustrated, not sure who you are or what you stand for or what to expect next.
• __Others view you in the exchange as someone they need to protect themselves from and fear being manipulated and controlled.
• __The outcome is that the goal is avoided or ignored as it cause such confusion or the outcome is the same as with an aggressive or passive style.
• __Your underlying belief is that you need to fight to be heard and respected. If that means you need to manipulate, be passive or aggressive, so be it.
Assertive Communication
• __You choose and make decisions for yourself.
• __You are sensitive and caring with your honesty.
• __You are direct.
• __You are self-respecting, self expressive and straight forward.
• __You convert win-lose situations to win-win ones.
• __You are willing to compromise and negotiate.
• __You feel confident, self-respecting, goal-oriented, valued. Later you may feel a sense of accomplishment.
• __Others feel valued and respected.
• __Others view you with respect, trust and understand where you stand.
• __The outcome is determined by above-board negotiation. Your rights and others are respected.
• __Your underlying belief is that you have a responsibility to protect your own rights. You respect others but not necessarily their behavior.
I-Messages
• An I-message is a way to be strong without being mean (that is, assertive) when you are angry or upset or disappointed with something another person has done. The formula for an I-message is as follows:
• I feel __________________________ (say your feeling)
• when you ____________________ (describe the action)
• I want__________( what will it take to make you happy?)
• because ________ (say why the action connects to your feeling)
Here is an example of an I-message:
“I feel frightened when you use big medical
words. I want you to speak slower and
use smaller words because English is my
second language.”
Assignment
• Read the following episodes and change
the you-messages to I-messages.
1.
Father wants to read paper. Child keeps
climbing on lap. Father irritated." You
shouldn't interrupt someone when he is
reading."
2.
Mother using vacuum cleaner. Childs
keeps pulling plug out of socket. Mother is
in a hurry. "You're being naughty."
3.
Child comes to table with very dirty hands
and face." You're not being a responsible
big boy. That's what a little baby might do."
4.
Child keeps postponing going to bed.
Mother and Dad want to talk about a
private problem of concern to them. Child
keeps hanging around, preventing them
from talking. "You know it's past your
bedtime. You're just trying to annoy us.
You need your sleep."
5.
Child keeps pleading to be taken to a
movie, but he has not cleaned up his room
for several days, a job he agreed to do
"You don't deserve going to a movie when
you have been so inconsiderate and
selfish."
6.
Child has been sulking and
acting sad all day. Mother
doesn't know reason.
"Come on now. Stop this
sulking. Either brighten up
or you'll have to go outside
and sulk. You're taking
something too seriously."
7.
• Child is playing the stereo so loud it is
interfering with conversation of parents in
next room. "Can't you be more considerate
of others? Why do you play that so loud?"
8.
• Child promised to set the table for a dinner
party. During day she dawdled; now its'
one hour before guests arrive and she
hasn't started the job. "You have dawdled
all day and fallen down on your job. How
can you be so thoughtless and
irresponsible?
9.
• Child forgot to show up at agreed upon
time she was to be home so Mother could
take her to buy shoes. Mother is in a
hurry. "You should be ashamed. After all, I
agreed to take you and then you are
careless about the time."
• How can the use of I-messages help you
to communicate more effectively?
• Can I-messages ever be manipulative?
• Explain.
10
When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving me advice, you have not done what I asked.
When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn't feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem, you have failed me, strange as that may seem.
Listen! All I asked was that you listen, not talk or do - just hear me.
Advice is cheap; 20 cents will get you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same paper.
I can do for myself; I'm not helpless - maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.
When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself, you contribute to my fear and inadequacy.
But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to convince you and can get about the business of understanding what's behind this irrational feeling.
When that's clear, the answers are obvious and I don't need advice..
Irrational feelings make more sense when we understand what's behind them..
Perhaps that's why prayer works, sometimes, for some people - because God is mute, and He/She doesn't give advice or try to fix things.
"They" just listen and let you work it out for yourself.
So, please listen and just hear me.
And if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn - and I'll listen to you.
. . . Author Unknown
The End