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AMEEKA INTERNATIONAL.

ABOUT THIS ISSUEBY TOM BECKETT

Greetings fellow AMICAns. You are about to be led into anew reading experience in AMICA News Bulletins with thislampoon issue. Having met a good many of you over the yearsI feel assured that AMICAns are AMICAble to the point ofenjoying a humorous side to the hobby. I am sure that some ofthe thoughts expressed on these pages have ocurred to manyof us.

There has been no attempt to direct embarrassment at anyregular (or irregular) contributer to THE AMICA but rather toparody our regular news magazine departments. Yourpublisher takes full responsibility for the decision to compileand produce this issue from material directly solicited fromvarious authors.

I trust no one will be offended-if you are, perhaps you aretaking this hobby too seriously. You will note that thelampoon comes as a Bonus Supplement to a regular issue so ifyou don't want this BS issue just throw it away and pretend itnever happened.

My thanks to the following contributers to this issue:

Roger TorkelsonRichard ParkerJim WeisenborneTerry SmytheTom BeckettMike SchwimmerDoyle CasselCarole BeckettMolly Yeckley

INDEX

Cover story: the cover of this issue was createdfrom various old things found in the filesincluding a naughty post card printed in Englandentitled, "Try this on your piano."

INTERNATIONAL AMEEKA 26AMEEKAn Wins Pedal Award 4

ROLLS & MUSICCuring the slips 31Odd Roll Review 31

F.l.N.A.L. CHAPTER 24lOWA AMEEKA 3BIOGRAPHICAL SKETCHES

Fleeta Feinmacher 29INSTRUMENTS

Undoing the Pseudo-Art 27TECHNICALITIES 1

FAST ACTIONAVERTS ~OSSIBLE TRAGEDY

ALTURAS: Some of the members of the Northern CaliforniaChapter of AMEEKA who made last month's special field tripto "remote collections" got a bit more than they anticipated.

Members rush to aid of technicians overcome by fumes fromleak developed in methane powered reproducer.

The feature piano at the meeting was a methane gas poweredAmpeeco built especially for this location in the high Sierras,an area that due to heavy seasonal snowfalls is subject tofrequent loss of electrical service in the winter. As is the casewith many of the mechanically-minded in AMEEKA, our localtechnicians could not resist a peek underneath the piano toview the methane powered gear. Unfortunately, a small leakhad developed and gone unnoticed until some of the othermembers noticed a sudden lack of communication from thetechnicians. Our host recognized the symptoms almostimmediately and the technicians were quickly pulled fromunderneath the piano. They soon revived once in fresh airwith no ill after effects and the leak, a loose gas line coupling,was speedily made right.

The rest of the meeting went without incident and a goodtime was had by all.

AMEEKA INTERNATIONAL.

PHILADELPHIA AMEEKAN'TOP PERFORMER IN

GRAND PEDALINGCONTEST

Miss Virtually Unassisted of Philadelphia,Pennsylvania survived three days ofexciting competition between 57 entrantsfor the title of Miss Pedal Expression of1926. The climax of her performance wasa chilling rendition of Ravel's "Bolero."

In spite of Miss Unassisted's delicateappearance, she told this reporter thatshe normally works out for several hourseach day with jogging exercises to buildup her leg and ankle muscles whilesqueezing tennis balls to improve herfinger control.

Miss Unassisted's inclination to thewearing of long dresses is reputed to hidelegs that would be the envy of anyfootball player or grand piano.

TINY VORSETZER

Rumors of the existance of a tinyvorsetzer (and equally miniscule grandpiano) may possibly prove to be a realityas evidenced by' the scaling in the photoshown here.

The story has it that the vorsetzer wasoriginally built inside a bottle (as persome sailing ship models) using speciallymade tools. The piano rolls are said to beaccurately scaled and play for about 2.3seconds,

There is some SuspiCIOn cast on theauthenticity of the photograph (noticethe hand has 6 fingers-curiously enougheven numbered so they wouldn't beoverlooked) so efforts at verification ofthis news item will continue.

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~OL.LS & MUSIC

THE SANDMAN'S FROLICOR

HOW I CUREDMY SLIPPING ROLLS

BY EDIE OTT

We've all had our troubles with the long-playing recut rolls. They slip whencrossing the tracker bar and causeannoying pauses in the music. This isparticularly evident in some of the rollsthat are played rather heavy-handedly bythe male artists. These men-o-pauses areespecially embarrassing when you'reshowing off your piano to someone who'snever heard a reproducer-a non-believer. There have been manysuggestions in the Bulletin, some of themquite zany, I'll admit, but none sopractical and foolproof as mine.

Now to get to the core of the matter. Buythe following: five sheets. of mediumgrade emory cloth (use the kind made byCarborundum - the most sturdy andpliable. Prices range from 49¢ to 55¢.)Tape the five sheets end to end to form apiano roll. Use a sturdy tape like mysticor furnace tape. Obviously, you tape theemory cloth on the non-abrasive side!And don't, like Emse Dawson of Wichita,staple the sheets together. This will causenotes to play because of the air leaks, andafter all it wouldn't look authentic.

Next, take an empty roll spool, one thatyou have left from an old torn roll or anew one purchased from a vendor suchas QRS or Player Piano Company. Tapethe abrasive side of the emory roll to thecardboard core, winding the clotharound the spool, forming a roll. Taperthe remaining end of the roll with ascissors and affix a tab. Place the emoryroll in the spoolbox; set the tempoindicator at 40 and run the roll back andforth over the tracker bar several times.In no time you'll notice plenty of drag onthe waxy paper, the problem of slippagewill be lic1

ROLLS & MUSICThe roll is PianoLodeon #P-7 produced by the now-defunct J.Chien & Co. of Burlington, New Jersey. I found this particularperformance a delight although the rolling bass set off somerather annoying vibrations in the plastic frontboard of myPianoLodeonTl'. Unfortunately, the words on the roll are a bitracist in character while describing a somewhat deformed,though good-looking black lady. Two left feet may be oh, soneat, but they certainly must hamper the proper use of thesustaining pedal when the poor girl sits down to play. Thetune is quite catchy, however. As it unrolled, I began towhistle and five little boys outside my window began playingbasketball!

DELORES VALSE, Op. 170 - by Waldteufel (Henrich orOtto or Hugo or somesuch Teutonic cognomen). This roll isCecilian #5197 manufactured by the Farrand Organ Companyof Detroit, Michigan in a rather weird size. Though the roll ispunched to the convential 65-note scale, the paper width is13~4 inches! No doubt some high muckety-muck on theFarrand Board of Directors specified this size in the mistakennotion that "bigger is better." Well, I've got news for him andhis fellow corporation-types who are trying to cram theirrevolutionary ideas down the throats of the American public:It won't work! Why didn't you test-market your idea first inPeoria? In this day and age of convenience foods and laborsaving devices, the thought of having to hacksaw 2 inches offevery Farrand-Cecilian roll to get it to play on your push-upPianola is patently ridiculous! Well enough of my view onCorporate America-they'll learn. This is supposed to be a rollreview: so be it. Even taking into consideration a few missingnotes in the treble, a drearier piece of claptrap it has neverbefore been my misfortune to hear. "Delores" means "sad" inSpanish and it certainly is, Stanley. Not only do I notrecommend the purchse of this roll, but I strongly suggest thatall of you write to the Farrand people in Detroit and tell themyou are boycotting all their future issues until they put out abetter sounding and more conventional product.

VARIOUS TUNES FROM CAPITOL 2013 - a lO-tune rollfor orchestrions of the "A" persuasion. Space does not permitthe normal-size review of each tune and so I shall try and give

Capitol Roll & Record Co.721 N. Kedzie Ave., Chicago, Ill.

PROGRAMI. A Little Bit Bad-Fox Trot2. After Awhile-WaItz3. That's Why I Love You-!'~ox Trot4. Katinka-Fox Trot5. If You Miss Me As I MIss You-Waltz6. Could I? I Certainly Could-Fox Trot7. Do You Believ€ In Dreams-Fox Trotb. Hello Aloha! Eow Are You?-Fox Trot9. Why Don't You Marry the Girl-Fox Trot

10. Hi! Ho; The Merria-Fox Trot.

2013you the overall flavor of the roll with a few pithy commentson each number: 1. "A Little Bit Bad" - exactly. 2. "After

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Awhile" - sort of grows on you. 3. "That's Why I LoveYou" - too dirty, can't repeat. 4. "KaTINKa" - a little toomuch mandolin. 5. "If You Miss Me As I Miss You" - notvery accurate 6. "Could I? I Certainly Could" - seecomment on number 3. 7. "Do You Believe In Dreams?" -a fantasy on acquiring the Nethercutt collection. 8. "Hello,Aloha, How Are You?" - question man asks a Hula-Hula girlin hopes that she'll give him a lei. 9. "Why Don't You MarryThe Girl?" -the flowers on the lei wilted. 10. "Hi! Ho! TheMerrio!" -misprint. It should have read, "Hi! Ho! The MerryEye!", a tune about a lecherous Santa Claus. On the whole, Irecommend you try this on your nickelodeon.

IF I HAD MY LIFE TO LIVE OVER (I'd Live It Over ADelicatessen) - a nostalgic reminiscence with words by BagelN. Lokse and music by Shood B. Lean. Roll is Hartberne 182-Much manufactured by Grepwasser & Sons, Brooklyn, NewYork for the Seeburp Mortuary Organ. This lively tune, highlyrecommended for the funeral of any AMEEKAn, tells thestory of Irving, a caraway-seeds-in-his-cole-slaw addict, whois evicted from his bed-sitter above the 6th avenue Deli by hisheartless landlord, a German potato salad freak. Cast out intothe cruel world, Irving takes up residence as a toenail clipperto the daughter of a fashionable Long Island suit and cloakmanufacturer. Although he is given his own suite of roomswith access to the pool, sauna and refrigerator, Irving isheartsick-for the entire family is allergic to cabbage andsubsists totally on Kraft dinners and white bread with plentyof mayo. Irving longs for the sights, smells and gut-rumblingsof his beloved tenement-and that's just the verse! In thechorus, well, I shouldn't give it all away, should I? This roll isa must for you Mortuary Organ owners and if enough demandis generated, I'm sure Bill Flynt will code it for the Ampicoand Duo-Art.

FAVORITE FAMILY HYMNS - a selection of sedate Sundaysongs. Gavioli Cardboard Music Book No. 8865. As I handcranked this through my Thibouville-Lamy Pianista (doesn'teverybody have one?), I was profoundly touched by themoving simplicity of this primitive, yet thoroughly satisfyingpiece of music. Vowing to play it again shortly, I set it asideand took up a good book, The Care and Feeding of KeyPneumatics, by Elmer Gloo. Absorbed in my reading, I failedto notice that my son, state champion in the 50-yard dash, hadrun through the parlor, knocked the Gavioli book music to thefloor, and trod upon its entire length in his track shoes!Snapping out of my reverie, I bounded from my chair,determined to corral the careless young whelp, but he hadalready whizzed out the door heading for track practice. Whatto do? Slowly I picked up the tattered cardboard to assess thedamage. I placed it lovingly on the Pianists and absentlyturned the crank. To my amazement, "Nearer My God ToThee" had acquired a snap and bounce that it never hadbefore! "Come To the Church in the Wildwood" beckonedwith a boogie beat! "Rock of Ages" became today's rock as adecidedly disco dance! If those of you with cardboard bookmusic will mail me your selections, 111 have Junior run overthem for you at just $1.00 per yard. Spice up your Pianista'aplaying NOW at these low, low prices!

/

F.I.N.A.L. CHAPTER ,..

/

/

AMICA'S F.I.N.A.L. CHAPTERBY WILHELMINA WELTE

I have always wondered why, with the mobility of mostAMICAns, no one has thought to form a moveable feast sortof chapter, and sure enough some jet-setters finally did! Thisalliance of allegiance comes through Florida, Illinois,Nebraska, Alabama and Louisana because each of these stateshas AMICAns in business who travel from one state to anotheron business-and pleasure-and who saw the need to meetwhen and where they could because there were no officialchapters in their areas. I happened to be in flight with adelightful couple named Gerry and Sali (20th century spelling,I suppose) and as I sat reading my AMICA Bulletin, theyintroduced. themselves as fellow members of the group-Isuppose fellow travelers is too strong a statement?-and theyinvited me to join them at their home for a F:I.N.A.L. Chaptermeeting.

Their elegant elephantine estate is a home only to them! It is'Tve-Died-And-Gone-To-Heaven" for the rest of us! It isnamed "Mander-Laye" or "Mander-Lea" (I am not sure of thespelling as we whizzed past the stone portals after their manopened the iron gates so quickly that I barely had time tofocus through the trees at what I thought would be a glimpseof the main house but proved to be only the caretaker'scottage, all three stories of it). As we continued on the road toMander-Laye I talked with the Manders-for that is theirsurname, you may have surmised-and found that in additionto their fly-by-night chapter, each Mander is a collector oftheir own speciality; jointly they own the only prize of theircollection, the very rare Klutzmeier Art-o-Matic.

Gerry owns a 9 foot Hason & Mamlin Ampeeco "B" in acustom Chinoiserie case. Sent to China in 1937 and returned tothis country by way of Taipei after W.W. II, it has a mostinteresting story, more of which later.

Sali's P. & J. (that's pride and joy, not pajamas, Bill) is a 9-footMeinway Pseudo-Art with the special art case carved from theruins of a Balinese temple as overlay. The Meinway logo wasinset in moonstones, the word Pseudo-Art in opals. More onthis one later.

The Klutzmeier Art-o-Matic was an instrument built in theearly tweens but that is what makes it so special; most of theinstruments built later were considered inferior, even thoughtheir cost in the 1920s was over $17,000 and each was builtonly to order. I have always wanted to hear one but neverthought I'd be lucky enough to .... it is the only instrument ofits era known to have been saved and it puts everything elseI've heard in any collection to shame.

This instrument can sing like a canary, bellow like a bull, roarlike a lion, purr like a kitten, howl like a hound, and everymenagerial sound in between. I have never heard anything sostunning! It has the power to light every lamp in the house orit can make you strain to hear it breathe! In comparison, theSan Andreas fault is a crack in the sidewalk!

The finish on the Klutzmeier is 43 coats of hand-rubbedliquor-no, not lacquer, liquor. It was found that theevaporation of the alcohol content of 100 proof liquor wouldmake the grain rise to the surface, and as this duplicated theoriginal finish, it is far superior to any method of refinishing Ihave ever seen. The phrase "wood-grain alcohol" derivedfrom this process created by the factory in Klutzemeirsburg,Kansas. The factory later converted to making whisky barrelsfrom their Art-o-Matic wood stock, changing the lettering to"aromatic" by just not stenciling the "t" into the barrels, and itis from this that we get "aromatic whiskey."

The very special paper used in the rolls for the instrument wasmade from Egyptian papyrus-the real thing! It was foundthat the preservation of these scrolls (the "sc" was laterdropped and they became known as just 'rolls) was insured byusing the method invented during the plebescite period, justbefore the Pharoahs began building the pyramids. Papermade during this era didn't tear, warp, woof, or shred, aspreserved examples have shown. It has proven remarkablydurable throughout the life of the instrument as no rolls haveever needed tape, repair, or replacement. The entire libraryfor the instrument, all 21,000 rolls, is stored in the Mander'sroll library which takes up the entire third floor of the two-story manse.

F.I.N.A.L. Chapter members watch in fascination as theManders demonstrate the ability of the Klutzmeier Art-o-Matic to light every lamp in the house with its crashing power.

Just incidentally, all of the felts used throughout theKlutzmeier Art-o-Matic are made from Australian lambswoolfor its lanolin content. It was found that this made any otherform of lubrication unnecessary, so none of the felts have everneeded replacing.

In my excitement over the discovery of a living, breathingKlutzmeier I almost neglected to fill you in on the details ofthe home and the menu! Last night I dreamt I went toMander-Lea again, and I plan to go again and again, even ifonly in my dreams ... the drive through the enchanted forestto the four-story portico; the entrance hall with the trumpeters

F.I.N.A.L. CHAPTER ,t.. .. r---'announcing each of us with an extraordinary "toot"-well,Philadelphia is going to have to come up with SomeExtravaganza to beat this ordinary chapter meeting! Themanse seemed to be constructed of native stone outside, butinside rivals San Simeon-each ceiling was brought from acastle either in Ireland, England or Scotland; hang theexpense, as it were. I half suspect, but cannot prove, that someof the world's "missing masterpieces" have been pirated tothis well-guarded setting as I saw a few signatures on thepaintings that mean much in the art world! I do feel thatPicasso should not hang next to Rembrandt, but that is just aprivate opinion, not an expert one. And Vincent Van Goghnext to Joshua Reynolds is tacky, too; so there!

I could see an organ chamber and what looked like about 70ranks scattered around the balcony, but such was myexcitement at the K.A.-o-Matic that I completely forgot tolook for the console-I think someone mentioned Moller butthat is awfully common in that area of the country as it is alsoin Michigan.

About half of Tiffany & Company's output has found its wayto the home of Gerry and SaW Not to mention Persia's rugoutput and the 16th through the 19th centuries furnitureoutput! I was merely put out. Why should some people have itALL?

The menu was about what you'd expect at an always-hungry-AMICAn gathering: much' booze-wine, whisky, cordials,etc., and a seven course buffet, if you can figure that one out.We went around the table seven times and each time the foodhad been changed. With all their attention to detail, you canimagine that the food was placed on the tables by seven little

men too, can't you? I mean, the trouble these AMICAns go toto see that Their Meeting is different, weill The housekeeper'sname was Blanche Snow, I was told.

I almost forgot to say that the collection also included a Welte-Welte. This was the company begun by my great grandfather,you may recall, and although I dearly love the instrument, ithad the usual sorry collection of rolls with it, so we didn'tbother to play any. If only the great Ampeeco artists everyoneknows and loves (Adam Carroll, Frank Milne, et. al.) hadrecorded for the Welte, I'm sure we'd all find and restorethese instruments, but the proliferation of artists from Europethat none of us has ever heard of-names like Grieg, Debussy,et. aI., makes the instrument not worth the bother.

I think we've all heard enough Meinways and Hason &Mamlins to last us all a lifetime, so I won't go into any detailsexcept to say that it's a shame we can't play the "case" (youknow, the wooden gut-holder) as these instruments looked sosuper but they play just like all the rest of them. You know-"close, but no cigar ... n

Anyway, my thanks to Gerry and Sali Mander for allowing methe privilege of seeing and hearing the fabulous KlutzmeierArt-o-Matic. It seems a shame that none of you will ever get tohear it, but I understand that there was some problem withthe government-which one, I don't know-and that thehouse and its collection has been seized and impounded untilthe year 2000 at which time it will be turned over to theAmerican Museum and Instrument Collection of America(AMICA) which although it has the same acronym as our club,can surely be no part of it as our group will surely have itsown museum going "full tilt" in California before then!

~,.. .. IOWA AMEEKA

IOWA AMEEKA"NOT ENOUGH CHIEF AND TOO MANY INDIANS"

The long awaited biweekly meeting of the Iowa Chapter ofAMEEKA retu~ned again recently to the founding city ofOskaloosa. Due to the number of members attending and inpreparation for the annual 'Toughest Winter" contest with theMidwest Chapter, this meeting was held in the backyardGazebo of host and long time member, C. F. Mahaska."Chief," as he is called by his fellow AMeriCAns, was unableto be in attendance himself until late in the afternoon, havingbeen out shooting a few turkeys in aoaftempt to satisfy theappetites of the members. (f\s. mstruments become morescarce and groceries more expensive at home, these "snacks"are becoming a larger part of the program each month. In

The Gazebo and some of those ilttending.

./

IOWA AMEEKA to. ..~

fact, Mother Hubbard's Tips on Weightwatching has becomea regular part of the business meeting.) Happily, we were ableto get old "Chief" inside and thawed out by the cook stovebefore the program ended.

Members came from all over this and surrounding states. Theentire population of the cities of Guernsey, What Cheer, andeven Farmersburg turned out for the event (private joke forIowa residents only!). Ole Ronson from Minnestoa, not usedto driving such short distances, overshot town and ended up inTruax becoming the first visitor to that area in 30 years. Itwasn't a total loss however as he managed to buy a couple ofroller organ cobs that only needed repinning.

The host brings homes the snacks.

Most of the afternoon was spent assembling and regulating thelarge and ornate Ampeeco keyboardJess cabinet piano withAmpeechron shown in the photograph. It would have beengreat to have been able to listen to it, but no one knew whereto put the roll. We did manage to get a few notes out of itevery hour or so, however. "Chief" has promised next time tohave on hand a large group of recut rolls from Mike theSwimmer's roll auction so we can really appreciate it. At thattime he intends to put the instrument up for auction-so bethere! Reason for selling .... like the man who built the yachtin his basement, there just isn't a door big enough to get thisthing inside. Let's hope it doesn't rain.

Live entertainment for the day was supplied by a group whocalled themselves the Second PianoLodeon Quintet. Failing toreceive the expected standing ovation after the first number,they felt it only deserving to render more efforts to their

J captive audience (the turkey and trimmings hadn't beenserved yet). Unfortunately, their music should have beenrendered some time ago.

- 29-

In all, it was a fun time-and a fitting tribute to the placewhere the Iowa Chapter got its start.

The highlighted instrument of the day.

BIOG~APHICALSKETCHES

FLEETA FEINMACHERARTISTE EXTRAORDINAIRE

BY MS. B. Z. BODY

Fleeta Feinmacher (1909-?) was born in Oshkosh(b'gosh) Wisconsin, the third of five sisters. There wasno history of musical talent in her family and as a smallchild she exhib,ited no particular predilection for thepiano-or any other musical instrument, for that matter.It was Fate, in the guise of the death of her great AuntBessie, that brought Fleeta and the world of musictogether.

When Great Aunt Bessie's possessions were divided among hersurviving relations, the Feinmachers found themselves theowners of a very large and very heavy upright player pianoand 1,500 rolls. (Everyone else professed to have no room forit.) Fleeta's mother, miffed that she hadn't gotten Bessie'sfour-poster French walnut bedstead and matching wardrobe,was determined to show those "vultures" who really got thechoice piece of the lot. She decided that one of her girlswould take lessons and would ultimately become a worldfamous pianist. When it was learned that Fleeta was the onlydaughter who was not tone deaf she, of course, became thecandidate for that glittering future.

BIOG~APHICAL SKETCHESIt was an uphill struggle for Mrs. Feinmacher, though. Fleetawas just 13 and the Twenties were roaring. She simply wouldnot practice! Not, that is, until she invented 'a game that madewhat had seemed a deadly chore a pure delight.

Fleeta called her game "Outplaying the Player." The objectwas to listen to a piano roll and then play the same piece byhand, note-for-note, only faster. Of course, in the beginningshe had to cheat a bit by setting the tempos very slow. But shelearned quickly and in only a year she had progressed to thecorrect tempo settings on nearly every roll they had inherited.Even more rolls were purchased and Fleeta concentrated onlearning them all-a repetoire that was to become the envy ofevery concert pianist.

But Fleeta was not content just to increase her repetoire-evengreater speed and accuracy had become her goal. Shepracticed incessantly and the tempo indicator crept up and upuntil it reached its limit. Fleeta, however, had not yet reachedhers.

During the summer of 1925 a passer-by heard Fleeta's 10-second rendition of the "jvlinute Waltz" through the openwindow and her talents burst upon an astounded world. Shemade her concert debut that fall, at the age of 16, with theOshkosh (b'gosh) Symphony Orchestra playing Beethoven's

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"Emperor Concerto." (Fleeta finished while the orchestra wasstill playing the opening bars of the first movement.) Fromthat time on she was in constant demand on the global concertcircuit.

The critics raved. Such accuracy! Such nuance of expression!Such agility! They called her magnificent, incomparable,wunderkind. (And some called her atrocious, an aberration,and a threat to c1assicaItechnique.) She was the delight of allreluctant concert goers who must accompany a moreappreciative music lover, because her performances neverlasted more than 15 minutes, including one intermission andtwo encores.

Every phonograph company and the three majormanufacturers of reproducing pianos vied for rights to FleetaFeinmacher recordings. She had absolutely no time for the"tinny sounding phonograph" but she was interested in those"fabulous pianos." She refused any exclusive contract,however, preferring to record for all three companies so thegreatest number of people could enjoy her playing. Shortlybefore her career came to its tragic and unexpectedconclusion she held recording sessions with all of them. Butthe results were somewhat disappointing. Although all thesystems were able to record her playing quite accurately, noneof the pianos were able to play the resulting rolls. The rollswere all less than two feet long and essentially looked likenothing more than a series of parallel chain perforations. Theyreduced the existing reproducers to heaps of quiveringpneumatics. Ampeeco and Psuedo-Art immediately enteredinto a cut-throat competition to develop and market a pianocapable of duplicating her remarkable musical feats.

But before such a piano reached the music stores, Fleeta'sflying fingers were silenced forever. It happened during abrief visit home between concert tours in Mongolia andPoland. She was playing her 12-minute rendition of thecomplete works for solo piano by Rachmaninoff on herbeloved old piano at a family gathering, when someoneaccidently (or perhaps not-her mother insisted it was thedeliberate act of a jealous cousin) engaged the keylock. PoorFleeta was rushed to the hospital with compound fractures ofall ten fingers.

Complications resulted and a stunned public heard the newsthat Fleeta Feinmacher would never play again. She retreatedcompletely from society and it was reported that the very

. sound of a piano sent her into deep depression. Her mothersold the old player piano (using the money to at last acquirethe coveted bedstead and wardrobe).

Fleeta's seclusion was so complete that today we have norecord of her life or possible death after that tragic accident.What a loss to the world of music that the new "super"reproducing pianos had not yet been perfected so we cannever hear those few trial rolls that are all that survives of themeteoric career of ·this brilliant pianist! When the Ampeecofactory was sold, the experimental Model C was discovered ina back storeroom, a curiosity that no one could explain. It wassl,1bsequently scrapped and with it went our last chance toexperience the playing of Fleeta Feinmacher, a talent the likes "-of which the world is not likely to see again.

INSTRUMENTS

•

sempre lento, rna un poco

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F, Chopin, Op. 10, No. 12

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Allegro can fnoco ' •.

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malta legato e stretto

But by the time Chopin got to "Opus 10, No. 12," he was ableto make the piano sing three words. (footnote #7)

RO"":'iZE ~I ~(so,.) (

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For some curious reason, Chopin continued the Scarlattitradition of causing the instrument to speak only Italian.Perhaps it was out of deference to that master; perhaps he justthought it sounded better. At any rate, the phrase in "Opus 55,No.1" is puzzling. Translated from the Italian, it sings: "TheLeghorns are moulting in the street." Had he forgotten aboutAllegro? Was there a tiff between them? Was he expressinghis sorrow in music? (footnote #8)

LISZT, THE LINGUIST

The story is well known of how Franz Liszt, upon first hearingthe young Chopin play, fled from the concert room andretired from public performance for almost two years. It hasalways been assumed that he went home to practice hisdouble octaves. It is now known that he enrolled in a crashcourse at Berlitz and when he returned in triumph to the stagehe had learned to make his piano sing in three languagessimultaneously! What a breakthrough! Shattered was thetradition of causing a piano to sing only in Italian. As thisexcerpt from "Evening Star" illustrates:

And by the time Chopin got to one of his latest works, the"Nocturne in F minor, Opus 55, No.1," the phrases pouredfourth from his beloved instrument:

And in his "Mephisto Waltz," even though he limited thesinging to the Italian language, he introduced sly humor to theconcert hall:

UNDOING THE PSEUDO-ARTBY GREGOR NOSLEKROT

PART 473: MAKING IT SING!

What bugs me to boils about the Pseudo-Art reproducingsystem is its wretched, disgusting inability to make the pianoSING. As we all know, pianists of the Golden Age of Pianism(c. 1818-1928) got lauded and fawned over for their ability tomake the instrument sing. (see footnote #1) They also made afew bucks at it. Latter-day critics, who never heard thosekeyboard immortals in the flesh, have assumed that the termreferred only metaphorically to matters of timbre andphrasing. (footnote #2) not so! Pyrochinsky, Alotoff,Hoffperson and even lesser lights like Lautenbanger wereactually able to make the piano utter words! (footnote #3) Butcan the Pseudo-Art sing? Can it really express the full emotionthose immortals poured into their playing? You bet your sweetbippy it can't. Not long after I acquired my Pseudo-Art Idetermined to restore its lost vocal chords. But before I tellyou how I did it, let me tell you why.

WHY. AN HISTORICAL PERSPECTIVE.

Music began as a vocal art. (see footnote #4) And whenmusical instruments were invented it was soon obvious that alot had been lost: the ability to vocalize words. But we werestuck with them; especially the keyboard instruments(footnote #5) But as keyboard techniques improved, thegreatest virtuosos discovered that by touch alone they couldget the instrument to speak at least one simple word. Themanuscript of Domenico Scarlatti's "Sonata XLI (K. 420)"reveals that this master had taught the harpsichord to sing theword "Allo" (Italian for "hello") at the beginning of the piece.What a charming way to greet one's listeners!

Yet not until the pianoforte was invented did keyboard artistshave an instrument that was capable of singing entire phrases.Even so, Chopin's earlist works reveal that even this mastercould manage only a single word at the beginning of "Opus10, No.1":

Douze grandes Etudes

J AU~::f#rt4':'::,,'~~1(~~.~~~~~ ... .,~~

.;------------Unlike Scarlatti's cheerful "hello," Chopin's piano softlybreathed the name of his lover, Allegro, to whom the piece is

./ dedicated. (footnote #6) It is characteristic of Chopin's moreintimate approach to music that this be so. Scarlatti wasoutgoing; Chopin reclusive.

\

Profondement calme (Dans une brume doucement sonore).-_.~~

'l\;: ~~.:::- u:'" .a:~-

l~:~;;:?1~ Lp-pe-;=-.=:",... ~---..'. jJP ~.-..., :" ...

(J]:}:~~:~~?~~jE~~~~~:~~~~:-~t'~~~Naturally, Debussy played the piano in French. The workopens with a soft chord played in "plein air" well beyond thelimits of the piano keyboard, and the half-heard phrase"Profondment calme." (I prefer calamity.) Subtle Debussyknew well enough to begin his diatribe softly, but with apunch to itl A melody in inverted octaves rises to the quietphrase "Dans une brume doucement sonore." (The Danes willbe swept away because they have been induced to sleeploudly.) Can you imagine the murmer of unrest that spr~dthrough the hall when the piece had its first performance ~nCopenhagen in 1911? (footnote #11) A few tiaras trembled, I IIbet you that!

But waitl there is morel At the top of page two, the pianosings out boldly 'Peu a Peu sortant de la brumel" (The poorestof the poor will sort out the sweepers.) (footnote #12) ANDby the time we get to the bottom of page three, the pianothunders: "Un peu moins lent!" (Oh pooh on man's religiousfestivals!) Then as quickly whispers in return, almost as anaside: "Dans un expression alJant grandissant." (The Danes aredrinking strong coffee with their grandmothers.) (footnote#13)

What a magnificent statement of a brave man's beliefs,regardless of how you agree with them, or .vic~ versa. B~tdoes the Pseudo-Art give you even an mklmg of thISdimension to Debussy's music? It does not! I determined to dosomething about it. But what?

DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT. WHAT.

Unfortunately, the art of making a piano "sing" is a lost artwith the possbile exception of Glenn Gould. (footnote #14)And those stupid Pseudo-Art engineers, who at least hadaccess to people who did know the technique, did not botherto preserve the nuances of touch that create the effect. I hadto do the best I could with the inadequate materials at hand.Fortunately, I have access to electronic technology, and vice-versa. And sometimes luck enters into the picture, as laterdevelopments will illustrate.

The LOUDSPEAKER may be mounted above or below thesoundboard depending on the space available. In either case,be sure to cut the proper size hole in the soundboard to insureproper functioning and superior tone of the loudspeaker.

• Ifw·.

')1'\'~~:~3W:~;.J ;..;~;;t'i:~~~·::-~';~lL\f a;~'~,gro;,. ;, k;j~ i.,;c;. i. . .··.. ··'1··'..

Un poco mellO (rna poco.) (La misura elasticameme).'~ ----------:--.

The phrase is translated as "Sweets may safely graze," dearlyan attempt at homage to Bach whom Liszt was known torevere. It is unfortunate that Liszt got the translation wrong,but good intentions count for a lot in my book. But can thePseudo-Art play it? No! On the Pseudo-Art, the phrase soundslike this:

This magnificent masterpiece is more than mere music; it ismainly a mordent monograph of mighty mein meant to movethe murmering masses to more meaningful means of mashingthe malevolent might of the miserable monarchy. Yet itprecedes the appearance of Lenin by at least a year and ahalf! How are we to know, unless the piece is performedproperly, of what Debussy truly meant the work to mean?The title itself gives you a clue. The status quo, as symbolizedby the cathedral, have been in power far too long. Thesubtitle clinches it: "Extrait du Premiere Livre de Preludes /Pour Ie Piano." (Rip out the Premier's liver! He is lewd! Poorlittle Piano!) But a glance at the opening page, and the wordsDebussy intended to piano to sing out loud leaves no room forambiguity. Indeed, there is not a trace of ambiguity anywherein this masterpieceI

What a travesty! By the omssion of a few simple words, theentire depth of meaning of the work has been lost! It isenough to make you want to tum your piano into a cat litterbox. (footnote #10) But what really steamed my strudel wasthe violence of this sin of omission committed to Debussy's"La Cathederale Engloutie." (The elongated cathedral.)(Pseudo-Art roll No. 34~ played by Myma Mess.)

THE SEMI-ELONGATED CATHEDRAL

The phrase is freely translated: "Who pokes men? Yourmother pokes. It's because of her miserable girdle." Not athigh-slapper perhaps, but it does illustrate the man's goodhumor. (footnote #9)

Now .. .I can tolerate a piano's inability to sing "Da Capo AlFine" (AI has a swell cap) or "Ma non troppo" (Watch yourstep, mother). I can live without Chopin's mumering to hislover or Liszt's clumsy attempts at concert-room humor. Butconsider something more serious: this phrase from Liszt's"Hungarian Rhapsody No.9":

.. 19 ..

I decided to sing the words myself, record them on magnetictape, and synchronize them with the music. By placing theloudspeaker within the piano itself, the effect would fool eventhe dullest fool. (footnote #15) But where to mount thespeaker?

/ Fortunately, my Pseudo-Art has a lot of soundboard that justsits there unused. I cut a large hole in it and mounted thespeaker there. (footnote #16)

The tape recorder can be any machine that is equipped withan electrically-controlled "pause" mechanism. So much forthat part of the project. But the tape has to be synchronized.How, oh how?

SYNCHRONIZING THE TAPE

As even the dullest Pseudo-Art owners must surely know(footnote #17), the top 44 notes of the keyboard have beenusurped for control functions, leaving the piano a trifle bass-heavy. Indeed, some Pseudo-Art owners (footnote #18) areblissfully unaware that the "Melody in F" comes equippedwith a melody. (footnote #19)

Now, if any of you Ambiguo or Wilted-Chignon owners arebeginning to feel smug at this point, I say you had better startplaying Viva towels on your stupid instruments, they leak somuch. Ha ha hal

As I was saying, before the thoughts of those hoity-toityAmbiguo owners made me so mad, there are precious fewholes left in the tracker bar to appropriate for a synchronizingcontrol function. Yet somehow, it has to be done. Ever alert, Inoticed that only very rarely are middle C and the C# justabove it ever played simultaneously, and even then, never atthe same time. By somehow opening both holes to theatmosphere at the same time, a control signal could beextracted, fed to the controls on the tape machine, and the

/ words would sing out at the appropriate moment.

I rummaged around in my spare parts box for a few minutesand came up with this simple pneumatic logic system:

TECHNICALITIES

THE SELF-RESETTING COINCIDENT DISPARITYDETECTOR

Transfer valves A and B are introduced into the tubing that" leads from tracker bar ports representing middle C and the

C# just above it. This is accomplished by saying: "Valve A, I

- I -

would like you to meet tube C." And so on. These valves arenormally at rest, being supplied with vacuum through thebleeds in the piano action itself. When a hole in the music rolluncovers either the C or the C# aperture (but not both), thecounter-compensating ball-check valves C and D preventeither valve from getting fired. The signal therefore passes tothe piano action as it is normally supposed to, causing the noteto sound.

However, when the large hole you have poked in the musicroll uncovers both apertures simultaneously, all hell breaksloose! Both valves A and B fire via bleeds E and F, ball-checkvalves C and D having been reduced to a state of blitheringindesision. Bleeds G and H, which are otherwise adequate,suffer severe overload and the tension on pouches I and J ismodified accordingly.

Pouches I and J and the float valve between them togetherform a cross-fired maybe/maybe gate that serves as anintentional disparity discrimination detector. Being self-compensating, and having very little else to do, they arecapable of making the subtle distinction between nothinghappening simultaneously (blank paper over both holes) andeverything happening simultaneously (both holes uncoveredto the atmosphere). What they say, goes.

If the appropriate lack of disparity exists, pouch valve Lknows about it immediately. It does its thing, which no oneunderstands fully, and allows atmosphere from valve P (whichis normally under great tension due to the well-publicizedinaction of multiple valve M) to overcome the vacuumflowing smoothly through bleed 0, and, by lifting ball-checkvalve N, fire multiple valve M which has been asking for it allalong, having been so inactive.,

All clear so far?

Before it dawns on valve P that terrible things have beentaking place behind its back (so to speak), and that valve Mhas finally been fired, pouch R has had time to collapseagainst its pre-loading spring. This is because bleed Q hasbeen quietly going about its nefarious business. We will hearmore from that sneaky bleed Q later.

The collapse of pouch R, though not serious in itself, hasallowed the electric contacts above it to close, therebydefeating the "pause" function on'''your tape recorder. Thetape starts moving and plays whatever you have recorded onit through the loudspeaker in the piano, giving the instrumentthe desired "singing tone" effect.

You may be happy with the effect, but valve P is furious overhaving been duped. It finally snaps shut in a state of highindignation. Since it is at a crucial point in the circuit, itapplies vacuum to absolutely every part of the circuit in achildish attempt (some say) to have its own way. Bleed Q,which earlier had conspired against valve P, now aids it,thereby insinuating itself back into valve p's good graces.Valve P, like so many of its type, never learns that there aresome bleeds you simply can't trust.

However, the audio signal now coming from the tape playeractivates solenoid S, which opens a magnetic valve, admittingatmosphere to valve M, despite valve P's frantic efforts toflood the entire place with vacuum. Bleed 0, which valve Phad earlier trusted, is only too happy to help.

For all its complexity, valve M is by far the most stupid valvein the entire assembly, and, ignorant of all that is going on,remains fired as long as there is an audio signal coming fromthe tape player. Bleed T which is also not very bright, would

like to help but since it is very small, and in the wrong place, itserves absolutely no function whatever.

When the sung passage you have recorded on the tape ends,solenoid S, deprived of current, allows the valve beneath it toclose again. This finally allows valve P to succeed in closingvalve M; something it has been wanting to do for some timenow. Pouch R is immediately restored to good health, opensthe contacts above it, and the "pause" mode resumes on thetape player, causing the tape to stop. The system is thereforeautomatically reset until the next hole you have jabbed in themusic roll starts the whole shebang going again.

"What about sub-assembly U?", I hear you ask. And I'm gladyou did. As any fool can plainly see, sub-assembly U is astandard balanced-ball counter-compensating pressureregulator with motional feedback. A set screw bleed allowsyou to adjust the effect of bleed V on the sub-assembly,therefore allowing you to determine just how far things shouldgo. Someone has to.

The circuit may appear to contain redundancies, such as thepresence of both ball-checks C and D and the discriminator I-I. If you fully understood the genuine needs of pouch-valve L,you would think quite differently about it, I'm sure. It needsall the help it can get.

I made this circuit out of a piece of beaver board and plasticfood wrap. Any stiff piece of cardboard will serve.

CORRECT: A pencil iammed through the music roll makesthe right size hole to activate the mechanism.

WHAT THE PIANO SINGS

If you don't have the sheet music and/or can't sing in Italianor French, despair not. Put a roll on your Pseudo-Art. Put thetape recorder in the "record" mode and start the piano roll.Let the music move you and when you can't hold back aminute longer, jab a sharp pencil through the music roll insuch a location that the resulting hole will uncover middle Cand C# at the same time. Then sing, shout, whisper or croonwhatever it is you feel is appropriate into the microphone.Repeat until the roll has ended. Rewind the roll and the tapeand you're in bsuiness.

photos

WAS IT WORTH IT?

No. Unfortunately, most of my friends are not interested inmusic or in politics, and tend to start talking the minute I put aroll on my Pseudo-Art. They seem to think that the voice

- 28 -

coming from the piano is simply someone trying to get a wordin edgewise and it only makes them talk louder. I am so mad Icould spit! The whole venture was a miserable failure, butwell worth the effort.

INCORRECT: A banana thrust through the music roll makesa hole that is far too large. Use a pencil.

FOOTNOTES1. Formerly, they achieved fame for their ability to make the instrumentcollapse. Handel, oddly, was very good at this. And rich.2. John Cage is a notable exception in this regard, and you know what hedoes to pianos. It is very difficult to be objective these days.3. Gracie Porringer it is claimed, could make the piano utter drollwitticisims such as "your father's moustache" and "a fat duchess breaksno wind," but none of these have been preserved on piano rolls.4. The Latin term for it is "Ars Lunga." It is that old!5. See Schumann's "Klavierstuke" for a contemporary comment on theproblem.6. This has deeply troubled scholars who feel that it should be spelled"Allegra." "Allegro" is the masculine form of the name. George Sand hasnothing to say of this in an)' of her writings, and perhaps we should besilent on the subject as well.7. You translate this one yourself! I wouldn't touch it with a ten-footHungarian!8. Nocturnes have a tendency. to be wistful under the best ofcircumstances and Chopin may simply have been carried away by themood. Heaven knows, it has happened to many of us.9. Ladies in Liszt's audiences fainted because their girdles were tootight, not because of anything he did to them. This may have been Liszt'sprivate little joke with the ladies. Then again, maybe not.10. The next article in this series will be on the subject of how to turnyour piano into a cat litter box. Watch for it.11. It is unclear why Debussy picked the Danes as the recipients of hismusical barbs. They always seem to be the butt of musical insults as in"Danse Macabre" hy that other Frenchman, Saint-Saens.12. Debussy is confused here as he surely intended the piano to say"...will sort out the sleepers." It's the same kind of mistake Liszt made andwe shouldn't judge him too harshly.13. Debussy, who had never been to Denmark, idly assumed that allstrong coffee was espresso coffee. That's what comes of getting aclassical education with insufficient attention to practical matters.14. Hark unto any of his recordings and you'll hear what I mean. Re-viewers assume that it is Mr. Gould singing. That's all they know about it!15. Joe Dumbe, of East Landfill, Michigan.16. If you do not have a saw, pound smartly with a large hammer untilyou have created a hole of requisite size. But do it neatly or the speakermight fall straight through.17. Joe and Mary Dumbe, of East Landfill, Michigan.18. Toe and Mary Dumbe and their son Horace, of East Landfill,Michigan.19. A lovely melody in the key of C# minor.20. There is no twentieth footnote. Gotcha!

CLASSIFIED../

FOR SALE: Gebanger reproducing grand with Red Beltesystem - fully restored. Also have some Black Belte and BrownBelte choice unrestored models in stock. Write Box 7A, TheAMEEKA Bulletin.

FOR SALE: A 10 year collection of old piano parts that no onein his right mind would want but I know AMEEKAns will buyanything. Will consider trade for 1970 or older Rolls Royce. Box16, AMEEKA Bulletin.

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TACKICALITIES XI

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Please make checks payable to AMEEKA INTERNATIONAL.

New AMEEKA release In the Tackl Series. IReprints of the worst articles from the 1956-1980 AMEEKA BULLETINS. 400 pages,stapled and tied with a yellow ribbon, only£28.50 (U.S. currency only) from:

Rider S. Kremp73 Reno Strip

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"SKIP-A-TONE"

MILITARY BAND'S ORGAN: We have recently acquired theportable reed organ from a now-defunct foriegn military unit. Ifcase repair is your specialty (some bullet holes) this one's agem! Inquire Box 130, AMEEKA Bulletin.

CUSTOM BUILT AMPEECO: Offering an unusual Ampeecoreproducing grand 8'6" long and 2'4" wide originally designedfor small apartment. Unique string arrangement and playerdesign, possibly one-of-a-kind. Finish good but player needsnormal restoration. Make offer to: "Thin Player", Box 85, A.B.

WANTED: Set of Hispano-Suiza reed pipes for Farton TheatreOrgan. Wind pressure 85". Prefer the pipes with brassresonators but will consider formica alternate version. Directreplies to: "Pipes", care of the AMEEKA Bulletin.

FOR SALE: Original nickelodeon electric motors from my. extensive 30-year collection. Perhaps I have the motor that

../ was one time in that player you bought to restore! Am retiredand can no longer afford the electric bill to run them all at oncebut what a thrill it has been! Sell individually or as a lot. Box 2,A.B.

WANTED: Player rolls for Rollmonica 'C' (changer model), willpay top price. Box 34L, AMEEKA Bulletin.

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9' CONCERT GRAND SMITH & WESSON: with Mono-Artreproducer. Fabulous gold lame finish! Totally restoredincluding new needlepoint bench cover. A truly unique item.Write Box 22F, AMEEKA Bulletin, for more details.

FOR SALE: Special edition Murlitzer .005 band organ. Thisscaled-down version of the famous 637 model was built forthose who weren't hard of hearing and preferred the big bandsound in the comfort of their living room. Excellent restorablecondition. Write "Murlitzer", care of the AMEEKA Bulletin.

DISCOVEREDI: Secret horde of period reproducing pianobenches, plain and art case. Fabulous assembly of pianobenches long thought to have been destroyed - all styles, allfinishes. Did your grand come without a bench? Maybe it ishere! Send a full description (plus photo) of your piano to usand we'll see if we have a match. SASE please.

• The AMEEKA Bulletin does not guarantee the claims made ,n the CLASSIFIED section as ourJottices do not list any box numbers. We suggest you hold on to your money tightly and proceed

,./with caution

I

NEW PLAYER ATTACHMENTI Designed to savewear on your piano - plays only even numberedkeys for one selection and odd numbered keys foranother. SPECIAL SWITCHING DEVICE for trackerbar alternately opens and closes half the ports(except re-roll) every time a new roll is started.

EXTEND YOUR PIANO'S LIFE - Sklp-A-Tone playshalf the notes - halves piano action and valve wear!

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PLAYER THINGSBox 226139178

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Avoid that long separation from your prizedinstrument. Call REST-EASY for an at-homerestoration estime today!

Pictured are two of our intense, dedicated,factory-trained service representativesworking on a Pseudo-Art stack right in acustomer's home.

Now enjoy the availability of expert playerpiano restoration without the trauma ofmoving your precious instrument or parts tothe cold, sterile surroundings of some out-of-the-way workshop. REST-EASY can do thework for you in the warm atmosphere of yourown living room.

Two of REST-EASY's intense, dedicated, factory-trained service representatives working on aPseudo-Art stack right in a customer's home.

THE REST-EASY PLAYER PIANORESTORATIONCOMPANY

AUTOMA TIC MUSICAL INSTRUMENT COLLECTORS' ASSOCIA TlON

Presents

THE AMEEKA (Lampoon Issue)

PUBLISHER

Tom BeckettP.O. Box 401807Dallas, TX 75240

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