Post on 21-Mar-2016
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FANTASY
5#
“Warp speed satire” – Wired.com
“It’s seriously funny.” – The Escapist
“Devastator is poised to start picking up the slack left by the decline of magazines like Mad, Cracked or even Lampoon, with a
smart mix of humorous prose and comics.” – Jeffrey Brown, author of Clumsy and Cats Are Weird
GEOFFREY GOLDEN - Editor-in-Chief
AMANDA MEADOWS - Managing Editor
RUSSELL LEE - Design Director
Contributing Editors:
PATRICK BAKERJOHN F. FORD
MICKI GROVERASTERIOS KOKKINOS
LESLEY TSINA
LYNNE DONAHUE - Photo Editor
LEE KEELER - Assistant Editor
REUBEN SAUNDERS - Associate Editor
Copyright © 2012 The Devastator and its Contributors.
Cover Art by Dan Hipp
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. No part of this work can be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means without the permission of the copyright owner, unless such copying is permitted by federal copyright law.
First Edition: May 2012
ISBN-13: 978-0-9845838-4-3 ISBN-10: 0-9845838-4-X devastatorquarterly.com
PRINTED IN DINOTOPIA KOREA
The Devastator is a book of satire. All names and characters who appear in this book are fictional and satirical representations. Any similarities between Devastator creations and living persons are purely coincidental. Also, don’t sue us. We have no money!
CONTENTSi
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Reverse
Map of the Fantasy Author’s Home by Kevin Pedersen, art by Reid Psaltis
The Raw Spiel with the Editors
Magic: Without a Gathering by Alexander Barrett
Stat Attack! The Relative Hotness of Fantasy Races by Lesley Tsina
Rat Knights of Rat’s Hollow by John Ford, art by Nate Pride
Game of Phones by Jared Hedges
How it Feels to Be a 30-Year-Old Geek by Zach Weiner
Fill-In Fantasy by Asterios Kokkinos, art by Ajay Karat
The Roast of Thulsa Doom by Scott Gross
The New Narnia Chronicles by Lynne Donahue, art by Elan’ Trinidad
Harry Potter and the Itchy Nipple Syndrome by Matt Taylor
Legend of the Myth of the Lore by Micki Grover, photo by Patrick Baker
Ringcycling by Geoffrey Golden, art by Erin Nagy
Adopt-an-Abomination by Amanda Meadows, art by Tony Millionaire
Harlem Renaissance Faire by Patrick Baker
The Real Last Unicorn by Marly Halpern-Graser, art by Jojo Ramos
Surreal Estate by Josie Campbell, art by Dane Ault
Bogs of Ba’Ghohrr by Scott Gairdner
Who’s With Me? by Greg Schmidt, art by Jimmy Hasse
Contributors
Slaytex by Lee Keeler, art by Grace Anderson
Sponsored: The Magnificent Milam of Lar!
by Plastic Lamellar and Editors, art by Scott Gross
Wizards of C*ckblock Forest
by Geoffrey Golden, edited by Asterios Kokkinos, cover by Marc J. Palm
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geoffrey@devastatorquarterly.comtwitter.com/getdevastatedfacebook.com/getdevastated
THE RAW SPIELwith the editors
Geoffrey GoldenEditor-in-Chief
Allakazooks, Devastators and Devastatrixes! It’s your favorite mercurial magician of comedy magazines here — Geoffrey Golden, Editor-in-Chief! In this issue, we cast a powerful spell on you! No need to panic, it’s not a fire spell! My arson days are over, but I’ll always have wonderful memories of that “fiery” time in my life! Never mind, I used my photo albums as kindling to set a tapas restaurant ablaze for the insurance money!!!
We hope you’ve broken in your questing boots, because your magnificent Managing Editor, Amanda Meadows, and I are proud to set you off on the expedition of ecstasy we call our Fantasy issue! On your journey, you’ll discover the legendary Tony Millionaire, courageous cartoonists Zach Weiner and Dan Hipp, and Master of Riddles Scott Gairdner! Your questing party includes the delightful D-Team Writers and Artists, equipped with terrific tales of RPG clichés (“Fill-In Fantasy” by Asterios Kokkinos, illustrated by Ajay Karat), literary nepotism (“The New Narnia Chronicles” by Lynn Donahue, illustrated by Elan’ Trinidad) and ratastrophe (“Rat Knights of Rat’s Hollow” by John Ford, illustrated by Nate Pride)!
We would like to take this opportunity to thank one of our generous sponsors, Plastic Lamellar, for working with us on a comic titled, “Milam of Lar!” Their wares are perfect for medieval LARPers! I’d visit the park and give a demo, but LARPers — equipped with latex swords and foam throwing knives — apparently don’t want to hang out with a guy who carries three real guns on his person at all times!
So I like to bring a gun to a plastic knife fight, what’s the big deal?!?
Hail Devastator,
Today’s hottest fantasy author is George R. R. Martin, writer of the book series A Song of Ice and Fire. Today’s hottest gadgets are smartphones. “Perhaps there’s money to be made combining the two,” the Devastator editors wondered aloud.
“Yeah hi, it’s Tyrion, please accept, a Lannister always pays his debt—”The imp’s words were cut short. “If you’d like to accept the call, please press one…”The bastard Jon Snow sighed and deleted the voicemail. He had missed the
collect call thanks to his worthless coverage.Jon’s fingers were frozen. He had climbed atop the 700-foot Wall in desperate
search for more bars. His poxy bitch of an iPhone 4S never had bars. In beauty, it had no rival. Its carapace was as black and reflective as dragonglass, encircled by an elegant strip of metallic silver. It had not one, but two cameras, and a flash bright enough to shame the sun. It was true what men said: None could forge a phone like the Great Slavepits of the East.
Yet when choosing a plan, Jon had opted for ATT&T because it was cheaper, and most of House Stark had ATT&T, too. It had seemed the sensible choice.
“Siri, where can I get better reception,” John growled into his iPhone. “Let me think about that...” Siri responded, before chiding, “You know nothing,
Jon Snow.”Jon grimaced, striding down the Wall. He needed those bloody bars like a boil
needed a leechman. If Jon couldn’t call King’s Landing and demand more men to strengthen the Watch, all of Westeros would be lost. Winter was coming, and so were the Others.
Still no bars. Jon’s phone was officially roaming. Aimlessly roaming. Just like everyone else in the Seven Kingdoms.
Uuuuuuuuuuuuuhoooooooooo.Jon’s eyes widened. It was unmistakably a ring, yet his iPhone had not stirred.
Was it his second phone, the Blackberry Curve 8530, paid for by the Night’s Watch, which was of little and less use because it had even shittier coverage from MetroPCS? Jon reached into his cloak pocket, even as he knew it was not the Blackberry Curve, with its distinctively rounded edges and full QWERTY keyboard. For the Blackberry Curve was set to vibrate…
Uuuuuuuuuuuuuhooooooooooooo.Seven Hells! The sound was coming from behind him! It was his third phone,
the fabled Phone of Winter, the Motorola DynaTAC 8000X, captured from the King-Beyond-The-Wall. Jon had left it charging at the Wall’s sole outlet, one
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hundred steps away, because its gigantic brick battery only lasted one hour, then had to be recharged for ten. How could this be? It hadn’t rung in 8,000 years!
Uuuuuuuuuuuuhooooooooooooooooo.“Gods be damned!” Jon Snow cursed as he ran. Not NOW! I’m too far away!Suddenly Jon’s smallclothes were wet from urine, and his cock, which had still
been half-strong from shamefully remembering the bare breast of a milkmaid in Mole Town, was now flaccid with dread.
Jon ran with all his strength toward the Phone of Winter. Its battlehorn cry filled the air, now louder and longer. Jon should have known immediately it was the ancient phone. No one uses monophonic ringtones anymore.
Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuhooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.Jon reached the head-sized behemoth upon its fourth ring. He snatched it up
and feverishly depressed the “On” button. Surely there would still be a voice on the other side. Surely four rings would not be enough. Surely there would be many and more.
“Hello? Hello?!”But the line was dead. The only sound was the cold wind of winter.
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