The Squeaky Clean Legacy, 17.1: Looking For Love Part Two

InPartOne,ourGenera.onNineheiresshadrenewedheracquaintancewithAngusPleasant.

HerbrotherPalomidesopinedasfollows:

Palomides:Oh,EUGGH.Gawaine:Excuseme,Palomides,istheresomethinggoingonthatIoughttobeinformedaboutimmediately?Palomides:No,ofcoursenot.Listen,Elaine,don’tburnyourboats,okay?There’safriendofmineIreally,reallywantyoutomeet.

Palomides:Ian!Greattoseeyou!

IanLegacina:Remindmewhywe’refriendsagain?

Palomides:Becauseofmycharm,emo.onalsupport,andgeneralawesomeness?

Ian:Yes,butyourfamilyisalwaystryingtosellmesomething.Pinballmachines,icecream,lightupreindeer—IalwaysgohomewithsomethingIhadn’treallyplannedon.Palomides:What,thelightupreindeerdidn’tlightuporsomething?Ian:Itdid,butthat’snotthepoint.Palomides:Thisisn’tlikethisatall.There’sthisguywho’sinterestedinmysister,andshe’stoogoodforhim.IthoughtI’dintroduceyouand...Ian:Sellmeontheideaofda.ngher?Nothanks.

Palomides:You’llchangeyourmindaQeryouseeher.Oh,Iseeyoualreadyhave.

Palomides:Psst.Cute,huh?Gorgeous,huh?Ithinkyouguyswouldmaketheperfectcouple,butdon’tletmepressureyouintoanything.

*awkwardsilence*

Ian:Doyousome.meshavetheurgetostabyourbrotherintheeye?Elaine:Funny,thathadn’toccurredtomebefore,butitsoundslikeaverygoodidea.

Elaine:Pleaseforgivehim.I’msurehemeantwell.

Ian:Don’tworryaboutit.Everythinghe’spressuredmeintohasbeenverycute.Especiallythelightupreindeer.

Elaine:Howareyourporkchops?They’reafamilytradi.on.Ian:They’refine.Onethingthatinterestsmeaboutyourfamilyisthewaythattheyremindmeofmyfamily.

Parsifal:Eventhosewhoarepureofheartrequireporkchops.

Ian:Especiallyinthewaytheydon’thaveanythingincommonatall.

Elaine:Wearen’taveryadventurousfamily,it’strue.Andyouprobablythinkourcustomcontentissilly.

Ian:Iwouldn’tsaythat.YourtownisverydifferentfromTerraLostundo,butI’veenjoyedthepeaceandquiet.It’snicetobesomewherewheremaniacsdon’tdisrupteverything,includingtheweatherpaZerns.AndeveryoneI’vemetfromyourfamilyhasbeenverynice,evenPalomides.

Elaine:...I’m, um. . . Conflicted?  He’s so handsome. He’s got such pre9y red hair.  And he’s really nice!  And I can tell he’s an interes>ng person from an interes>ng place.  And I’d really like. . .  . . . But what kind of True Love starts with a fix up from your brother?

Asopposedtoafixupfromthematchmaker?

Nausicaa:IthinkIrecognizehim.Areyousure?

Matchmaker:Look,youaskforadate,Igetyouanicehighchemistrydate.Idon’tdocharacterreferencesorbackgroundchecks.

Nausicaa:ButNinoCaliente?Doesn’thehaveabadreputa.on?

Oh,well,he’shere.Imightaswelltry.

Nausicaa:He’s shy!  I wasn’t expec>ng that.

Adatewherebothpar.esarethereinordertohumorsomeoneelse‐‐

‐‐let’ssaythepoten.alisn’tverygood.

Ian:YoumustbeoneofElaine’ssororitysisters.

Blondegirl:No,I’mjustarandomdormiewalkby.Isthatyourdatebackthere?

Ian:Oh,right.

Ian:I’msorry,Elaine.Iwasuplate.

Ian:Now,whatwereyousaying?

Elaine:A bad conversa>on!  He thinks what I’m saying is boring.  Isn’t he supposed to like everything I say?

Elainereallydoesgiveitherbestshot.

Elaine:I’msorry,Ididn’tmeantospendsomuch.metalkingaboutromancenovels.Maybeyou’dliketoplaykickybag?

AndaQerawhile,theicewasbrokenandtheywerebothhavinganice.me.

Elaine:Hey!  He’s fun!  I’m actually having fun!

Elaine:But it’s not easy.  There are some awkward moments!  And isn’t there supposed to be irresis>ble chemistry?  Wouldn’t I know when my love comes along?  And my brother fixed us up! And I’m embarrassed. 

Elaine:Psst, Regina, interrupt?  Please?  Help?

Elaine:Psst!Mr.Legacina?

Ian:Nowyou’remakingmefeelold.I’mIan.Elaine:AmIroman.c?Fascina.ng?Beau.ful?Doyouadoreme?

Ian:CanIsayallthatonthefirstdate?WhywouldyoutrustmeifIdid?

Youmustknowyou’rebeau.ful.Youdon’tneedmetotellyouso.Ican’tmake youmorebeau.ful.Buttoansweryourques.ons:maybeyou’realiZletooroman.c.AndIdon’tadoreyou.Ithinkmovingfastisareallybadidea.Butyouarereallyinteres.ngandIlikeyouandIhopewecanbefriends.Elaine:Friends.  If he was going to love me, he would never say we could be friends. 

Ian: Maybe she is a li9le fascina>ng.  It’s impossible not to find her charming.  And she wears her heart on her sleeve.  That’s sweet. 

But it’s also scary.  She wants too much, too fast.  And I don’t do that anymore. I  learned that the hard way. 

Too bad.  I hate to give up on her.

Elaine:WhyisthereadancingRomaninhere?

Becauseyouinvitedhimin.

Nausicaa:HasNinobeenrakingeversinceIwenttoclass?

Yes,hehas.

Nausicaa:That’s so sweet! But he probably only wants one thing.  

Nino:It’sreallynicejustsi^nghereandtalkingtoyou.Ineverwenttocollege,andIdon’tgetmuchofachance—Imean,peoplearen’tusuallyinterestedintalking—WhatImeantosayisthatwhenI’vedated,um,otherpeople,thingsusuallyareabout—Well,I’mnotsayingthisright,butit’snicetotalktosomeonewhowantstolistentome.

Marcus:Ilovemakingfriends.AreyouElaine’sfriend?

Ian:IhopeIam.I’mafriendofthefamily.

Nino:Andyoulikedancingwithmeandeverything?

Hmm.NinoCaliente.NausicaawantsFiQyDreamDatesandmaybeit’snotagoodideawithhim,butontheotherhand,basedonthewayhe’sac.ng—Maybehe’sbeZerthaneverybodythought.

AlexandraGoth:Thanksforjoiningme,Vespasian.It’snicetogetawayfromallthedrama.Vespasian:Youmeanthewayeveryoneintownislivingsomekindofsoapopera?Alexandra:Itdrivesmecrazy.Dad’sallrightandCaspian’sallright—mostly,buttheydon’talwaysmakegreatchoices.EvenMom—well,wedon’ttalkaboutheranymore.Butallthegrownupshavesuchmessyrela.onships.Theythinkkidsdon’tno.ce,butwedo.Ihopedwe’dallgetoutofitwhenwecametocollege,butsomepeoplebroughtitalong.AtleastyourfamilyispreZynormal.

Vespasian:Funnyyousaythat.MyfamilyleQourhometowntogetawayfromallthedrama,too.Alexandra:Messyrela.onships?Vespasian:Mostlyserialmurders.Alexandra:Oh.Vespasian:Somygreat‐greatgrandfatherMarcelluspackedup,leQRome,andneverlookedback.

Vespasian:Idon’tthinkweeventhinkaboutbeingCaesarsanymore.GrandpaDomi.anjustcallshimself“Mr.Caesar.”AndmygrandmaDiana’saGoodytwoshoes.Shedoesn’tseemtoknowanything.Grandpaevencallsher“Empress”asapetnameandshes.lldoesn’tgetit.

Grandma’snotthesharpestknifeinthedrawer,butit’skindofcute.

Vespasian:Speakingofmessyrela.onships,Ithoughtyouwereda.ngLinusBurb.

Alexandra:Linus?  Linus is a terrific friend.

Alexandra:But no.

Vespasian:That’sgood.Idon’tthinkpeoplewhoareda.ngshouldseeotherpeoplethatthepeoplethey’reda.ngdon’tknowabout,evenwhentheotherpeoplearejustfriends,notthatyou’reda.ngLinus.It’sjustagoodthingtoknow.

Alexandra:Anyway,thanksforcomingandhavinglunchwithme,Vespasian.IalwaysfeelbeZeraQertalkingtoyou.I’mreallygladIhaveyou.

Vespasian:Um,thanks.

Alexandra:Agh, awkward.  How do I do this?

Alexandra:Imean,I’mreally,reallygladIhaveyou.Alot.

*s.ckyhug*

Vespasian:Doyouwanttoletgo?

Alexandra:Notreally.

Vespasian:Good.Don’t.

Some.mesthingsgetdecidedwithouthavingmuchofadiscussion.

Max:Grandpapa,what.meisitwhereyouare?

Cecil:Extremelylateevening.Surelyyouareawarethatthereisasubstan.al.mezonedifferencebetweenyouandTakemizu.

Max:Yes,Ididknow,whichiswhyIasked.Inotherwords,youarecallinginthemiddleofthenight.Whatisgoingonthatissoimportantthatyouhavetocallinthemiddleofthenight?IsanythingwrongwithMama?

Cecil:ThereisnothingwrongwithyourMama,andthe.meofdayisimmaterialtome.Isimplywishedtoinformyouofourprogress...

Max:...In curing whatever is not wrong with Mama.  Go ahead.

Cecil:We did, as you may have surmised, seek out the Wise Old Man of Takemizu.  

Cecil:I felt it might be useful to consult him aRer the Indigenous Physician suggested it, although aRer he had presented me with a doll, I was not especially sanguine about his judgment.

WiseOldMan:Humilityisindeedthekey.

WiseOldMan:ButMr.Goodytwoshoes,youarefarfrombeinghumble.

...ANDyouareimpa.ent.Whathasbeenmustbeandwhatisis,butwhatmightbeisnotnecessarilywhatisifwhathasbeeniswhatis.Tea?No?

WiseOldMan:Thenletmetellyouanen.relyunrelatedliZlestory.

WiseOldMan:Areyousi^ngcomfortably?ThenIshallbegin.

WiseOldMan:Onceupona.me...

WiseOldMan:...therewasalovelyandinnocentyoungmaiden.Shewashumbleandunfailinglyobedienttoherelders.

WiseOldMan:Thengreatdistressfelluponthemaiden.ThehorrorsofWrong,Injus.ce,andDeathcameintoherpeacefulexistence.

Shehadalwaysbeenpa.entandobedient.Shehadneverknownthatpa.enceandobediencewerenotalwaysadefenseagainstadversity.

Hereldershadfailedher.Hereduca.onhadfailedher.Shedidnotknowwhattodo,andsoshewasabletodonothing.

WiseOldMan:Shesoughtforhelpinthemostunlikelyofplaces.

WiseOldMan:Anotherwiseunremarkabletouristsitebecameaplaceforhertobegforwisdomandstrengthandstar.nganew.

WiseOldMan:Andsomethingnewhappened:adragonappearedtoher.

Cecil:Thisledtoahappyending,didit?

WiseOldMan:Itwasaveryhappyendingforthedragon.

WiseOldMan:Ihopethishasgivenyoufoodforthought.

Cecil:Yes.Yesithas.

WiseOldMan:PerhapsyouwouldliketopurchasesometeafromourgiQshop.Itisgrownlocally.Itisverynice.

Asforyourdaughter...

WiseOldMan:Whynottakeherfishing?

WiseOldMan:She seems to enjoy fishing.

WiseOldMan:Well,that’senoughesotericwisdomforoneday.Whoopsydaisy!

Cecil:Tea.Fishing.Hesuggestedteaandfishing.

ImustadmitthatIalmostbecameslightlyirritated.

Max:Hmm.Grandpapa,Ihaveanen.relyradicalsugges.on.

Max:Whydon’tyou,forthefirst.meinyourlife,tryDOINGWHATSOMEONETELLSYOU.

Max:Andsendmethetea.Hello?Grandpapa?Hello?

Sigh.

Cecilia:Oh,please.

Please. 

Elaine:Sigh.  Zane and Lenore have the perfect rela>onship.

Dotheyreally?Theydon’thavearguments,butthat’sbecauseZaneagreeswitheverythingLenoresays.

Lenore:Andsports.Whydopeoplehavetotalkaboutsports?That’sanotherthingIdon’tlike.Justthinkingaboutitmakesmeannoyed.

Zane:IfyouloathesportsIshallloathethemtoo,darling.

Lenore:Holdthephone.You’renotgoingtodisagreeatall?Ever?You’renotevengoingtothinkaboutit?

Zane:Butyouareprac.callyperfectineveryway!

Lenore:Oh,well.

Lenore:It’shardtoresistthiskindofthing.

Somaybeitisn’ttheperfectrela.onship.

Buttheyareawfully,awfullycutetogether,andinsulinshockfromallthesugarysweetnessisasmallpricetopay.

Elaine:Sigh.  I should be so lucky.

Angus:Thanksforjoiningme,Elaine.IhadtogetawayfromLionel.Hekeepshi^ngmewhenI’mjusttryingtostudy,andnooneelseseemstocare.Some.mesIthinkyou’remyonlyrealfriend.Elaine:PoorAngus.

Angus:Andbesides...Ikeeprememberingourdatelastyear.IwantedtotellyouhowswellIthinkyouare.

Angus:You’resograceful...andbeau.ful,andthere’ssomethingaboutyouthatjustfillstheworldwithRomance.It’slike...Valen.ne’sDaywithyouallyearround.

Elaine:Oh,STOP.

Angus:No,really.There’ssomethingspecialaboutyou.Lookatyou.You’reabsolutelyadorable.There’sonlyonethingwrongwithyou.

Elaine:There’ssomethingwrongwithme?

Angus:You’reallthewayoverthere.

Angus:IsthatbeZer?Don’tyoufeelmorecomfortablehere?

Openingpicture:JohnWilliamWaterhouse,Psyche Opening The Golden Box. Closingpicture:JohnWilliamWaterhouse,The Soul of the Rose. Credits:IanLegacina,Orikes,Pseudo Legacy. ZaneDevereaux,Peasant007,Devereaux Legacy.