Post on 04-Apr-2018
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Chapter 1
The car drives away with a chorus of cheers
and well wishes being sung as the bride dangles
out of the window, wildly waving goodbye. Iknow it isn't forever. But the empty house waiting
for my return makes it feel as though it is.
Mom, are you ready to go or do you want
to stay and help clean up? Blake asks from
behind me as he pulls his jacket off.
I quickly take a deep breath to push away
the forlorn shudders before they force the tears to
come that I desperately tried to keep in check.
The crowd mills around chatting and laughing as
if this is the most joyful day in the world. It
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should be. My daughter's dreams just came true.
She married the man that stole her heart away
years ago. I never dreamed the relationship would
have survived through high school, let alone four
years of college. But if anything, Austin proved
to be dedicated to Jocelyn. He's a good boy. He
has a good head on his shoulders and as I have
been reminded on almost a daily basis for the
past several years, a very handsome head.
Jocelyn was swept away by him when she was
only fifteen years old and I don't think she has
ever found her own feet since. But she's happy.
Mom, are you alright? Blake asks again.
I'm fine. I said as I turned to give him a
reassuring smile.
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Blake is three years older than Jocelyn. He
married the love of his life two years ago. Carrie
is a sweet petite, very quiet, little thing that I
don't quite understand, but that could have a lot
to do with the fact that I never really had the
chance to get to know her. They met in college
and as soon as they graduated they married and
moved away to California where they both had
jobs waiting for them that had something to do
with computer programming. It isn't exactly easy
driving from Indiana to California for a quick
visit.
Austin and Jocelyn on the other hand aremoving to Florida. They're on their way now to
spend their honeymoon traipsing around getting
familiar with their new home for two weeks and
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then Austin will begin his new job as an engineer
for some company that makes nautical
equipment. Jocelyn has yet to find a job but
they're not concerned about it. She's even talked
about having children and staying home with
them rather than working.
Both of my children turned out far better
than I ever dreamed. At least that's what I keep
telling myself over and over again when all it
feels like their doing is flying away from me to
far off lands. I've had to say far too many good
byes in the past few years. I expected the children
to leave eventually. That's what children do.Marty and I worked hard so when this time came
they had everything they needed to begin a new
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life on their own. But I never dreamed I would be
saying these goodbye's without him.
Come on Mom, are you hungry. I'm
starving. You would think they would at least
have had a short reception after putting us
through this crap. he grumbled as he loosenedhis bow tie.
Well, they needed to get moving as quickly
as they could to get settled before Austin started
work. They don't even have a house to live in
yet. I said as we headed back into the church.
Oh, I'm sure his father has some kind of
surprise waiting for them when they get there.
That man is loaded. he said quietly so no one
could overhear.
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How long are you and Carrie staying? You
just got here this morning and I haven't had more
than five minutes to talk to you.
We're heading back tomorrow. I have a
deadline looming over my head that I have to get
finished before they end up firing me.
You're not having any problems at work are
you?
Not as long as I keep pumping out those
codes. Everything is actually going really well
and if I get this project taken care of then they're
talking about possibly giving me a promotion to
project manager. That's why I want to make sure
everything is finished and tested before I turn it
over.
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That's great.
Yeah, it means more money but of course it
places a lot more responsibility on my shoulders,
but I'm ready for it. I'd like to start my own
company one of these days. There are a million
different areas out there just waiting for somekind of computer program to come in to simplify
things. If I can keep this up for five more years
then Carrie and I both may be able to take on that
new adventure.
You have more courage than I do.
Yeah right. Who do you think I got this
enterprising gene from? You're the one that
started your own business from a tool shed, and
now look at you.
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It wasn't just me, honey. Your father had
more to do with that than I did.
Remember all that faith you kept telling us
we needed to have in ourselves. You never did
find your own, maybe now it's time you did. We
all miss Dad, but even he said you were thebrains of the operation. He just had that unique
ability to talk people into anything. While he was
out there chatting it up, you were home working
your fingers to the bone, making sure he had
something to sell. You still have your customer
base. If you don't want to keep making business
websites, then do something else. Advertising canbe a very lucrative business and you have the
skills to make a good go at it. But there are a
million other things you can do as well.
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I know. I thought about going back to
work. The past five years have been a whirlwind.
First with your father's illness and then you two
graduating college and getting married. I guess
now that it's all over with I'm going to have to
find something to do.
I'm not trying to be nosy, I just want to
make sure you're alright, but, how are you doing
on money?
Oh, I'm fine. You don't need to worry about
that.
Why don't you sell the house? It's a lot of
responsibility to take care of. I know you've
managed it all our lives but you don't need to
have all that unnecessary work to do if it's just
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you living there. I don't want to impose but I
don't like you living out there in the middle of
nowhere all alone.
Well maybe you and Carrie can move back
and I'll give it to you. I said jokingly.
Mom, don't keep it for us. You can sell that
place for a good chunk of money, buy something
smaller and have all the rest of the money to do
whatever you want with.
I know. I guess I have a lot of things to
think about. But let's not worry about that now. I
only have a few hours to spend with you and I
want to enjoy what little I do have. I said as I
turned to look around the sanctuary.
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Jocelyn made sure she had a whole crew
working to clean up the church after the wedding
and as we walked around it seemed like
everything was already being taken care of. Blake
took off to find Carrie so I sat down in one of the
pews in the middle section and simply stared up
at the baptismal. So much has happened in this
little country church. It seems like my whole life
could be found it its record books. I grew up here.
I was saved, baptized, married; my children were
saved and baptized here. My parents were the
same and their lives ended here with a memorial
service after their car accident. Before Marty's
death I looked to this church as a support to get
me through the highs and lows in life, but now,
it's difficult even walking through the doors. It
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seems like every time I do step foot in the door
it's to say good bye to someone. Even the church
itself is changing. The old guard that made this
church a strong beacon of light are moving on to
their everlasting homes and leaving us with a
smaller congregation of semi-dedicated
parishioners that want to be given forgiveness for
their weekly sins each Sunday, and move on to do
them all over again.
Oh, what am I complaining about? I'm no
better. I never could reach the level of integrity
and morals in which those old standards held as
they walked in every Sunday with their headsheld high, looking over the congregation, just
waiting to single a sinner out and help them learn
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the errors of their ways. It was those very eagle
eyes I spent most of my life avoiding.
Even now, as I'm about to turn fifty, I can
still hear my mother warning me, every Sunday
before we walked in, to sit still and be quiet and
don't interrupt adults when their speaking. Butmost of all, do not fall asleep or fidget with the
hymnals when the pastor is preaching. Then the
parade down the pews would begin where I
always felt as if every eye was watching and
judging me according to my behavior and how
clean my dress was. Even as an adult I felt that
way. But I have to admit, walking in here aloneon Sunday mornings is frightening because of
those old lingering feelings. Marty was the one
that gave me the confidence to walk with my
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head held high because marrying him was one of
the best things I did in my life. But now that he's
gone and my family is all gone, I feel like my
legs have been cut out from under me.
I haven't been going to church as often as I
should. I'm reminded of it every time I run intosomeone from our church in town. Even the
pastor has given the job of updating the church's
website to someone else. He was kind about it
and didn't want to make it appear that my lack of
attendance was the cause, but I know better.
Right now I'm the wounded sheep that is on the
verge of walking out of bounds and everyone istrying to love me back in, but most of the time, it
feels more like judgment then love and I've found
myself avoiding it as much as possible.
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But there are so many other memories that
plague me even more so now that I have so much
time to reminisce over the past. It always seems
to be those old feelings that never go away no
matter how many years have passed. What little
time I did get to have with Marty and the
amazing life we shared never seemed to make
those feelings go away. He loved me to no end,
and I knew it every day of my life with him. I
loved him too. I never questioned that. But I've
never been able to extinguish an old fire that if
given only the slightest thought to, would flare up
feeling like a burning inferno inside of me. It has
felt like a demon has taken root inside of me, and
instead of dying away, it continues growing,
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plaguing me with all the memories I wish I could
scrape away from my brain forever.
I used to console myself with the thoughts
that everyone has a lost love in their past that
they feel this way towards. I'm not unique and I
shouldn't feel guilty, or even that I've donesomething wrong. But it's only words that could
never quench the desire for forgiveness. It isn't as
if I hadn't had hundreds of other relationships
throughout my life that have ended sourly. But
they don't plague me. In fact I most often feel like
a better person for ending them. I do tend to be a
little too judgmental towards others and have ahorrible disposition when it comes to offering my
own forgiveness. It's not that I necessarily hold
grudges; I just don't associate myself with people
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that have wronged me in one instance or another.
I don't need people like that. I'm far from perfect
and obviously have my own long list of mistakes
but I'm not a glutton for punishment either. At
least, I don't think I am. I try not to be, but these
memories seem to be just that, and no matter how
desperately I try to push them away to the land of
forgetfulness, they refuse.
Then you have poor Marty. I don't think he
ever knew. If he did he never spoke of them. He
was far better of a man than I ever could have
deserved. Perhaps it was because he wasn't a
native of our fair town of Fairmount. He wasn'tfilled with the predetermined opinion of me like
so many of the others in our community. Not that
I necessarily had a bad reputation, I was never a
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person of any particular interest to much of
anyone. Not even my family thought I would
make my life anything worthwhile. Marty
changed all of that for me. He swept into town
after taking the position of the new third grade
teacher in the elementary school and was an
instant hit with everyone. He was such a happy
person, it was contagious to anyone he was near.
Even the children adored him. He was so
completely opposite of me I never dreamed of
even catching his eye. I wasn't trying when it did
happen. But I was so conflicted at the time I
didn't even notice that God had sent me a saving
grace.
I was only eighteen at the time, fresh out of
high school, and lost to my future. I grew up in a
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family that survived. We had everything we
needed but little for anything else. Both my
parents worked long, hard hours. I have a brother
that is four years my elder, but there was never a
particular close relationship that ever developed
between us. In fact, today was the first time I
have seen him since Blake's wedding. We're
congenial to each other and always promise to
make an effort to see each other more often, but
we never seem to keep those promises. He lives
in Columbus, in Southern Indiana, and has a full
life with three children of his own, and eight
grandchildren that adore him. He's always had a
beautiful family, and his wife, Lizzy, is a sweet
kindhearted person. For all intent and purposes,
they feel more like acquaintances than family. I
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think it has a lot to do with the fact that we both
grew up with the importance of being self-
resilient, and not depend on others to carry our
weight, being pounded into our heads. But it
created a void when it comes to maintaining
personal relationships. I think it has inadvertently
carried on to my children as well, hence their
need to conquer the great frontier of our modern
day world. I've tried to instill in them the
importance of maintaining a strong sibling
relationship, but without having my own example
to prove that fact, I'm afraid it was more words to
them than necessity. Their relationship is far too
similar to that of mine and Jared's.
Well I can only hope the good far outweighs
the bad, just as I can only hope that Marty's life
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was as happy as the life he gave me. So many
hopes, and so many regrets. Life simply passes
by far too quickly, and yet, mine seems to be at a
standstill now.
Come on Mom, Jared was able to reserve
the party room at Ryan's for us. Let's go getsomething to eat. They're just about done here.
I took his hand and stood up just in time for
the lights to shut off in the sanctuary. I'm not
exactly sure why but it stirred a little bit of fear
inside of me. It was almost as if someone was
closing the curtain on the first act of my life and
forcing me to move on to the next act of the
show. But I was allowed a short intermission that
was far more than I expected.
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While we were eating a new plan was
formed that held a bittersweet blessing. When
Jared discovered that Blake and Carrie were
flying home the next day he and his wife decided
to stay the night rather than head home that
evening. So instead of having me drive them to
the airport, Jared would simply drop them off on
his way home. I was excited to have them all stay
the night, but at the same time, it meant I was
going to lose a few more precious hours with my
son. Driving in a car with him was the best time
to converse because there was nothing else
around to distract him. While growing up his
teachers were bound and determined to convince
me that he had Attention Deficit Disorder
because he always appeared to be distracted by
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something other than what the current topic of
discussion was. But I knew better. He's one of
those kids that has such a brilliant mind that he's
easily bored and is constantly looking for
something to occupy it. All I had to do was make
them look at his grades to prove that he was
simply not being challenged enough. They
eventually created a program for gifted
children and I never heard a complaint about him
again. He and I used to spend hours talking about
computers and learning new design programs
until his comprehension exceeded mine, and he
became my teacher, until I could no longer follow
what he was attempting to teach me.
Oh, how I miss those days. Blake took after
me in so many ways, we always had that certain
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understanding of each other, where Jocelyn was
the opposite. She took after her father and loved
to be around people. She has a very strong and
intelligent mind as well, but she is one that enjoys
discussing just about anything anyone has to talk
about, simply for the sake of conversation. I don't
know if she ever had a sour relationship in her
life with anyone. If she did then she simply let is
slide off her back and moved on without a second
thought of it. Just like her father. Having her
around the past few months has almost been as if
Marty never left us. Saying good bye to her is
almost as if I'm saying my final good bye to
Marty. But I won't think about that now. The time
will come when I'll be surrounded by silence and
I'll have no other choice but to confront the pain
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and loss. But now my home will be filled for one
more night. I'm going to try to make the best of it
and enjoy it as much as I can. I wish I could
bottle up some of the laughter that is spreading
around the table as they all eat and talk about
what's going on in their lives.
Oh I almost forgot to tell you who came in
and applied for the supervisor position at work,
Jenna. When I first saw the application I thought
it was just a coincidence, but when he came in for
an interview, it was like seeing a ghost from our
past.. Jared said with his rotten grin that made me
want to cringe without him even saying a word.
Who was it? I asked hesitantly.
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You're not going to believe it. I swear the
man has barely aged, in what has it been, around
thirty years now?
Who, Jared?
Brad Harris, of all people, I swear, I was
speechless. He walked into my office, and all I
could do was stare at him in amazement. We
talked for over a half hour before we even got to
the actual interview.
It was if someone punched me right in the
chest. My heart stopped. Of all people why did it
have to be Brad?
Who's Brad Harris? Blake asked.
That's one of your mom's old boyfriends.
They were pretty serious for a while, until your
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mom dumped him. A few months later she met
your father. I always liked Brad. We went fishing
together a few times when I came home for the
summers. I never did understand what happened.
I figured they were going to get married the way
they both talked about each other when they
weren't together. But I guess it wasn't meant to
be. But he seems to be doing really well for
himself. He's got a couple of kids. One is married
and the other just enlisted into the army.
Really, that's interesting. I've never heard
Mom talk about any of her old boyfriends.
Blake said with a devious tone.
Why would I talk to you about my old
boyfriend? Do you talk about girls you dated
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before you met Carrie? I asked a little more
pertly than I intended.
Calm down I was just making an
observation. It's interesting to hear about when
your parents were kids. You never talk about your
past. Dad used to talk about when he was a kid allthe time, but you never do. I'd love to know what
you were like.
I didn't have the life your father led. I didn't
even have many friends. There isn't anything
worthwhile to talk about.
How many boyfriends did mom have in
high school? Blake asked Jared, choosing to
ignore me.
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I don't really know. I started college her
freshman year so I wasn't really around to know
much of what she did. Brad was the only one I
ever met, other than your father.
Oh, now that's no fun. There isn't anyone
around to give us any dirt on what she was reallylike. It's not fair.
Well, maybe you can stay at my house the
next time you fly in, and if we hire him, I can
invite him over so you can get all the dirt you
want.
Did he ask about Mom, or talk about her?
Not really. I didn't broach the subject. That
can be a touchy subject sometimes and I didn't
want to make the interview uncomfortable.
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So did he know it was going to be you that
would be giving him the interview, or was a it a
surprise to him as well?
He seemed pretty studied up on our
company, so I'm sure he knew it was me. The
company website has all of the management andadministrative personnel's pictures posted next to
our contact info.
Thankfully the waitress came to clear the
dirty plates and the subject was dropped. We left
for my house soon after, and the conversation
transitioned to some new hunting spot that Jared
had discovered and he wanted Blake to come in
the fall to hunt with him. Then moved forward to
us all celebrating Thanksgiving at Jared's house
this year and by the time we reached my house
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they were already looking on their cell phones for
airline tickets.
I didn't join in with the conversation. That
fear that began to twinge in the church was
starting to settle in like a lump lodging itself
permanently in my throat. I desperately wanted toknow what Jared and Brad talked about but I was
afraid to ask because I didn't want the topic to be
open for public discussion again. There was so
much that Brad didn't know about. There was so
much that no one but Brad new about, and I
wanted more than anything to keep it that way.
I've managed to move forward in my life, andeven though I've never been able to shake it off
completely, I've managed to live beyond it. I
knew Brad still hated me. We never had a chance
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to even see each other after everything fell apart.
What he does know is only a very small part, and
if it was even hinted at, my life would fall to
pieces. I don't even know if my children would
want anything to do with me if they were to ever
learn about the secrets I have locked up ever
since.
As we walked up to my front door I started
fumbling through my purse to find my keys. It
seemed like no matter what I did, my hands
simply would not function properly. Everything I
touched seemed to jump out of my purse until I
was so frustrated, tears were filling my eyes.
Mom, are you alright? Blake asked as he
started helping me pick up everything.
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I'm fine, I'm just tired from all the
excitement today, I guess.
Here, just put everything back in your
purse, I'll unlock the door. I still have a key. That
is, unless you've changed locks trying to keep me
out of the house.
No dear, I'd leave the door wide open if
you would only come back.. I said as I managed a
smile.
Blake unlocked the door and held it open for
me. The old familiar smell enveloped me and hit
me, like it so often does these days, like a warm
breeze from the past. There are times when I find
myself expecting Marty to come walking out of
the kitchen with some left overs he found in the
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fridge, with that silly grin on his face. I could feel
myself growing weaker by the second. These
were the times when I needed Marty the most. He
was like my crowbar that would force away any
rock that held me down. If he couldn't move the
rock then he would blast away the hard places
with his booming laughter until the rock rolled
away. I don't know if anything every bothered
him. That is until the day we found out he had
prostate cancer. He tried to keep his spirits up for
me. I think that was his biggest battle.
Oh, I have to stop thinking about these
things. I have family here now, and I need notwaste my time with sorrows when I get to have a
house full of laughter, for a little while. I walked
into the kitchen, quietly thanking God for giving
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me the foresight to go grocery shopping the
previous day so I could have enough drinks for
everyone. The others went into the living room to
sit down and enjoy the air conditioning. The poor
old central air unit sounded like it was pumping
it's lungs out trying to keep up with the heat of
this sweltering June day. I grabbed the pitcher of
Iced Tea and some glasses to take into the living
room for everyone.
You didn't have to do that. We could have
gone to the kitchen to get our own drinks. Sit
down and relax. Blake said as he took the tray
from me.
Jenna, you have those old photo albums of
Mom's, don't you?
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Yes, they're in that cabinet behind you.
I was just telling Blake about that bear hunt
I went on with Uncle Peter and he said he never
met him before. I wanted to see if I could find
that picture of us with the bear. he said as he got
up and walked over to the cabinet.
To be honest, Jared, I only remember
seeing the man once in my life. I guess he was
around a lot when we were little, but I don't
remember it.
He moved to Alaska when I was around
seven, I think, so you were probably too young.
He used to take me fishing all the time. I think
that's where I got the bug from. I made Dad's life
a living hell the next few years, begging him to
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take me. Finally, he just started planning the trips
just to keep me quiet.
That, and so he could take a nap in the
shade of a tree in the peace and quiet. I said
jokingly.
He never really was the outdoorsy type. I
guess he didn't really have a lot of time for those
things. We drove by the old place on our way to
the church. It looks so strange now that they have
flowers in the yard. All I could think was how
quick Dad would have mowed those down. It
took less than a half hour to mow that little plot
of yard, but by golly, if there was just one little
thing that he had to mow around, it was gone in a
flash.
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I begged and begged Dad to let me have a
little flower bed. He let me as long as I kept the
grass mowed and the yard cleaned up. When I
moved out, he mowed over every flower in that
bed. I had mulch in it, but he didn't care. He
mowed over it too.
He was a little peeved at you for moving
out and not going to school. he said as he stood
up and glanced over the top of the album towards
me with that curious look he gets when he's being
nosy.
Why didn't you go to school? Blake
asked.
I didn't want to at the time. I had other
plans.
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Dad swore up and down it was Brad's fault.
You two broke up around that time, and he swore
you were sticking around, hoping to mend things
with him. Then he up and disappears. Did you
know he went into the Air Force? He was a pilot.
He just retired a few months ago. I have to admit,
that impressed me. They don't just let anyone fly
those jets. They have to have a good solid head
on their shoulders. I went to school with his older
brother, and I hate say it, but he was a loser. I
wasn't too enthused hearing Jenna was dating his
little brother at first. But I guess you can't always
judge people by the family they come from.
I thought you guys were talking about
hunting. I said frustratingly.
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Sorry, I forgot you didn't want to talk about
him. Anyway, here's the picture. Man, I forgot
about all the pictures in these albums. They sure
do take you back. he said as he sat down next to
Blake.
I leaned my head back and closed my eyes,trying to force all the old feelings away before
they started choking me. When I raised my head
back up I noticed Lizzy eying me suspiciously. I
simply pretended not to notice. I'm sure this
subject had given her and Jared plenty to talk
about through the years. I should have made up a
lie to stop all the suspicion. It wasn't as ifbreaking up with a boyfriend was completely
unheard of. I could have simply said he was
moving away, and we decided to end the
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relationship. But, I was always a terrible liar, and
frankly, at that time, the mere hint of his name
was like someone stabbing a dagger into my
heart. Apparently, it hasn't lightened its effect on
me through the years.
They moved on to looking through the restof the pictures and Jared began his story telling
down memory lane. I knew if I continued to be
too quiet then everyone was going to continue
growing more and more suspicious, then I would
end up having to have this discussion all over
again, so I started adding in my portions of the
memories in hopes it would carry us well into thenight, and then bedtime, and possibly fill their
heads with too many other subjects for them to
place any focus on the forbidden one. One thing I
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was certain of, Brad obviously did not tell Jared
anything, otherwise, he would have not even
bothered coming to the wedding. That, or he
would berate and interrogate me this very minute,
demanding to know why I would disgrace the
family in such a way. He was always one that
was more conscious of his reputation and making
sure I did nothing to tarnish it.
As I had hoped, Jared's stories lasted long
into the night until Lizzy decided she'd had
enough and was ready for bed. Carrie and I
followed her upstairs to make sure the rooms had
everything they needed for the night. Just as Iwas about to shut my bedroom door, I heard
Blake and Jared laughing hysterically. I stood
there for a moment simply soaking in the sound,
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when Lizzy opened her door and peeked out at
me.
Jenna, I was hoping you and I would have a
chance to talk alone. Do you mind, or are you too
tired? she whispered across the hall.
I smiled and motioned for her to come to my
room. After she walked through the door, I shut it
behind her. She sat down on the end of the bed
and patted the spot next to her for me to sit.
I know this isn't a conversation you want to
have. You've made it quite clear, but there is
something I've wanted to ask you for years now. I
always wanted to ask you in private, but have
never had a chance because the few times we do
get together seem to be only at funerals or special
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occasions where everything is too hectic. Jared
mockingly calls these your family reunions. I
have always thought it was sad, but I know your
family is very different than mine. Granted, I
can't claim to know you as well as I would like,
but I can't forget the very first time I met you. I
can't shake that there was something terribly
wrong that day, and I tried to cast it away because
no one else seemed to notice, and maybe I'm
wrong, but am I? Everyone has things that they
would rather not discuss in their life, and they
have the right to keep it that way. I don't want to
pressure you. But even now, when that man's
name is mentioned, I see a pain in our eyes that
reminds me of that very first meeting of ours.
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I suddenly felt as if was going to get sick.
My saving grace has always been the lack of my
family's focus on these kinds of things with me.
This subject hasn't even been broached since
before I met Marty. Now it's like everything is
being resurrected, and I have no idea how to deal
with it. I shouldn't be. It was something that
happened so long ago, and there is a span of
thirty years of other things to talk about. Why do
I have to be so sensitive and revealing when I
should have just been able to cast it off as nothing
by now?
I really don't want to pressure you, honey.My intention is really to protect you. Jared has
spoken about that man almost nonstop since the
day of that interview. He's acting as if he met a
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long lost friend from his childhood. If this man
did something to hurt you, then I would rather tell
Jared to back off and forget about him rather than
risk him coming back into your life. I won't give
him any specifics, if you don't want me to, but I
don't want him hurting you because of something
he doesn't know about. Regardless of how it
appears, he really does think the world of you,
and he worries about you. I know he would never
intentionally hurt you.
A million things were swirling around in my
head. I didn't want to say a word, but it was
quickly becoming apparent that if I didn't saysomething, then this whole mess would end up
falling right back into Brad's lap, and he was the
innocent one that didn't deserve any of this. I was
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the one at fault. I was the one that hurt him. I
never dreamed I would have to face this again.
No, Brad didn't hurt me. In fact I was the
one that destroyed everything between us. Brad
was an amazing young man that treated me better
than anyone has ever treated me in my life,barring only Marty, of course. There were a lot of
mistakes and misunderstandings, that Brad had
nothing to do with, that I mistakenly accused him
of. I always wanted to ask him for forgiveness
because it still plagues me to this day, but I never
got a chance to speak to him again. He left so
soon after our argument that it was as if he justdisappeared from my life. But there is more to it,
and I really don't want to resurrect things that
should be long dead to us all. The last thing I
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want to do is put him through this mess all over
again. We've both moved on in life. It's simply
not worth it.
What if you don't get to be the one decides
whether or not this mess remains buried? People
can be very vindictive, this may be your onechance to clear yourself before he starts speaking
of the past. Some people harbor pain inflicted by
others simply with the intention of getting them
back the first chance they get. This has obviously
caused you great pain all these years. What if it's
the same for him? You have to admit, it is very
strange that he chose to apply at the very sameplace your bother will be the one responsible for
giving him the interview.
What if it was just a coincidence?
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Jenna, you know as well as I do that there
is no such thing as coincidences. We may not
understand why things happen at the time they
occur, but hindsight usually gives you the answer
later. No, I believe this was intentional, and
maybe he is only doing it in hopes of
reconnecting with you. I know you loved him,
and from what I have heard, he loved you too. It
could be innocent intentions driving this, but
even those could turn against you if you're not
careful. You've gone through so much with losing
Marty, and I know how difficult it is with your
children moving off into the world, leaving you
behind. I don't want you to be hurt anymore, and
if I can prevent it, I would rather ask Jared to
drop it right now before things grow worse for
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you. What's going to happen if Blake does
happen to meet him? Jared is crazy enough to do
it just for the entertainment it would offer. Right
now, he thinks he's just teasing you and there is
nothing more to the breakup than your typical
youthful experiences. Is that all this could be
construed as, or was it more?
I stood up and started pacing trying to
control the rage that was building up inside of
me. This was ridiculous. I can't, I simply cannot
tell her. Everyone will despise me and think that I
have lied to them all these years. I didn't, but
that's not what it's going to appear as. This wascompletely personal, but yet, it affects everyone it
shouldn't.
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Before I could even make a decision, there
was a knock on the door as then Jared slowly
opened it and peeked in. I quickly tried to collect
my composure and smile as much as I could.
I just wanted to say goodnight or good
morning rather. We just realized it's already afterone and we have to be on the road by six to make
it to the airport in time. Time sure does fly by
when youre having fun.
It sure does. I said quietly.
Well I guess I better get to bed too. Lizzy
said as she looked at me with a mixture of
disappointment and sorrow.
Night, Sis. Jarred said and then walked
across the hall.
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There's still time if you want to talk. Lizzy
said quietly.
It's fine. You need to get some sleep. You
have a long drive tomorrow.
She walked over and gave me a hug then
quietly walked out, shutting the door behind her.
All I could do was stand there. There was no such
thing as time. My life is crashing down around
me. Even if I did want to tell her, five measly
hours wouldn't be nearly enough time to
thoroughly explain and attempt to redeem myself
before they left never to speak to me again. I feel
like I've been running away from this my whole
life, but I've never ran away from anything. I
never left. I've lived in this town my whole life. I
dealt with everything the only way I knew how. I
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confronted my responsibilities, and never asked
anyone to take care of them for me. I can't help
that it didn't turn out the way I expected. But the
one thing I do know is that everything my life has
been since that day will be forever tarnished, and
I can't do that to my children. They deserve to
have a life they can be proud of. I don't want their
past to be shattered because of something they
had nothing to do with. I certainly don't want
them to feel guilty, or cheated, and I'm afraid
that's exactly what will happen. I've thought this
over so much, that I don't think there could
possibly be any other way they could view it. No,
this needs to stay covered up, and if I simply stay
here and clear of Brad, then most likely the
subject will not be brought up. Hopefully, he'll be
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too concerned about keeping his job rather than
bringing up damning information from the past
that simply can do nothing to further him in life
now.
Three in the morning came so quickly, I
decided to change clothes and go downstairs tostart fixing something for breakfast so at least
they wouldn't be starving on their trips. I couldn't
believe that the time had gone by so quickly and I
couldn't help but feel cheated. This was supposed
to be time I got to spend with my family, not
trying to dodge and avoid them. If Jared had just
kept his mouth shut, none of this would haveeven been brought up and things would have
been as they should be.
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Regrets of the Heart
By
Stephanie Laws
Copyright 2013 All rights reserved. No part of this publication
may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any
means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or
mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the author.
Cover photo courtesy of: stock.xchngevi
ki
by Andy Reis
___________________________________________________________
Also by Stephanie Laws
THE KNIGHTINGALE SERIES
Knightingale
Gale Swept
Knightime (Coming Soon)
Source Key (Coming Soon)
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For more information
Please visit Stephanies website at
www.authorstephanielaws.com
http://www.authorstephanielaws.com/http://www.authorstephanielaws.com/