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A Novel
Nicole F. McKnight
First Canadian Revised Edition
HeartAMothers
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2011 by Nicole F. McKnight
All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form
whatsoever.
First Canadian Revised Edition.
All the characters in this book are fictional, have no existence outside the imagination of the author, and
have no relation whatsoever to anyone bearing the same name or names. All the incidents are pure
invention.
Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication
McKnight, Nicole F. (Nicole Fabienne), 1961-
A mother's heart [electronic resource] : a novel / Nicole F.
McKnight. -- 1st Canadian rev. ed.
Originally publ.: Frederick, MD : PublishAmerica, 2004.
Electronic monograph in PDF format.
ISBN 978-0-9869082-1-7
I. Title.
PS8625.K56M68 2011 C813'.6 C2011-903237-6
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Authors Note
To my readers: As you know, though this novel is a work of fiction, it is based on a true story.
The heart and soul of it was inspired by true events. Because many of you have reported that
you identified in very significant ways with the characters of A Mothers Heart, I wanted to
revamp it. I gave it a more contemporary voice and re-worked the scenarios for you. If you
enjoyed A Mothers Heart the first time, I know youll love this revised version even more!
Enjoy, and please visit me at www.libellulee-books.com.
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Dedication
This book is dedicated to the memory of my parents, Simon and Collette Larivire, who taught
me to always do my best and strive for success, and whose lives have inspired the story that
brought about the birth ofA Mothers Hearts first edition (published by PublishAmerica in
2004).
This second edition I dedicate to my husband, Charlie, light of life, and my son, Kristofor, childof my heart, for their unwavering love, support and patience, but above all, for their belief in
me.
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CHAPTER 1
Papa closed the door behind the doctor. He didnt say a word. He didnt look at her. He turned
into the hall, continued past the summer kitchen and silently disappeared into the store.
Gabrielle hadnt been privy to their conversation, but she didnt like the dismal glimmer thathad passed between the two men just now. Mama was very sick, but she was going to get
better. She had to.
Gabrielle ordered the worry from her face and poured fresh water into a glass. She lifted the
corners of her mouth into a smile and headed toward her mothers bedroom. She walked in
and crossed to the little table. Mama? The look in her mamas pale face stayed her hand
halfway to the nightstand. Mama, whats wrong? Gabrielle managed as fear clutched her
throat.
Instead of answering, her mother shifted her pain-ravaged eyes to the window. The water glassforgotten, Gabrielle followed her mothers gaze to the bleak winter scene where grey clouds
gathered and the wind harassed leafless trees. She heard the snowflakes brush the window, a
light tick before they gathered on the sill. A soft sigh escaped Mamas dry lips and she closed
her eyes, fingering her rosary.
Gabrielle set the glass down and watched in apprehensive silenceMama was praying. Praying
with devastating despair. Fidgeting with the corner of her apron, Gabrielle bit her lip, dread
settling in the pit of her stomach like a stone. A few minutes passed, then Mama heaved in a
long breath and beckoned Gabrielle nearer.
Gabrielle leaned in close and covered her mothers chilled hands, What is it Mama? What can I
do?
Her breath came out in a wheeze. Mama closed her eyes briefly and gripped Gabrielles hand.
Give me some brandy, love, will you? she whispered.
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2 A Mothers Heart
Gabrielle nodded and reached for the brandy. It soothed, dulled Mamas pain between the
doses of the strong medicine she could only have every four hours. As Gabrielle poured, her
eyes shifted to the bottle of Laudanum the doctor had prescribed. It made Mama confused and
disoriented, and it made her sound like a different person. It frightened Gabrielle sometimes,
but Dr. Letendre said this was the strongest medicine for pain, and the only thing he could dofor her mother now. The rest was up to God.
After a few swallows of the brandy, Mama seemed stronger. Gabrielle, I want you to do
something for me. Her dull eyes bore into Gabrielles with a hint of their old spark. She sipped
again. I want you to go to the attic. She emptied the glass, and continued in short bursts.
Beside the stackof cardboard boxes. In the trunk. Youll find black dresses. Take all of them
out. Youll needone foreach of the girls. She lay back winded.
Black dresses? One for each of the girls? Wha..? Oh Mon Dieu, please dont let her talk to me
about...
Of course theyll need to be adjusted, washed and pres A phlegmy cough stole her breath
and Mama brought a frail hand to her chest.
Gabrielle swiftly adjusted the pillows so Mama might breathe easier. Seeing moisture glistening
on her forehead and gathering on her upper lip from the shear effort of it, Gabrielle reached for
the cloth she kept in a basin of water and wrung it out. She wiped her mothers face tenderly.
The dresses...washed and pressed, Mama finished with difficulty.
Gabrielle turned to put away the cloth. Desolation beat at her eardrums, drowning out hermothers words. Tears rose in her throat, choking her as she fought to keep them inside. If
Mama could be so brave, she could do no less. She swallowed over the lump in her throat and
faced her mother.
M-mama, she stammered, tugging the sides of her cardigan one over the other across the
fear that chilled her heart. Were Her eyes pooled with unshed tears. She swallowed,
crossed her arms over the sweater and tried again, Were not going to needyou dont
mean...
Go do it, my girl. Even though her voice cracked with weakness, there was no arguing with
Mama once she made up her mind. I need to sleep , she added, her tone softening.
Yes, Ma. Gabrielle nodded, blinking back tears. She rubbed a palm across the back of her
mothers hand, kissed her cheek. Ill come back and check on you in a little while, she said,
hefting up the thick comforter that had slipped off because of all the coughing, and pulled it up
under Mamas chin.
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Nicole F. McKnight 3
Once outside her mothers room with the door shut behind her, Gabrielle swallowed hard, took
a slow breath, and closed her eyes. Instead of bringing the calm she sought, the action conjured
the morning the ambulance had come for her mama.
That morning was stamped on Gabrielles brain forever. Mama had taken a turn for the
worsethe radiotherapy hadnt worked and the doctor wanted to operate. Papa had asked for
a few hours off work. He greeted the paramedics sombrely and handed them the papers Dr.
Letendre had signed.
Just seeing the white vehicle entering the drive had been enough for Gabrielle. Gripped by an
inexplicable fear of having to accompany Mama to the hospital and what they would do to her
mother there, Gabrielle hid behind her mothers bedroom door when the ambulance men
came in.
Meanwhile the attendants lifted Mama onto a stretcher and loaded her into the ambulance.
The paramedics left and Papa returned to work, but Gabrielle stayed rooted in this very spot in
the doorway of the bedroom for a long time before returning to her chores.
Gabrielle opened her eyes and swiped at the tears on her cheeks. She pushed away from the
door and walked slowly down the hall. She remembered the day her mother took her out of
school to help around the house. Her shoulders sagged a little. That was three years ago, but
her heart still sank at the thought. Gabrielle understood that her mother needed an extra pair
of hands, and truth be told, she really didnt mind all that much. Oh, sometimes she watched
the others go off to school and envied them for the things theyd learn and the games theyd
play in school that day, but mostly she just dug into her work with a cheery heart. She enjoyedhelping Mama and always did her best to live up to her responsibilities. The fact that her
mother needed her made Gabrielle feel proud and grown-up. That was before Mama went to
see Dr. Letendre. Before everything changed.
Mamas illness started with a lump in her breast that gradually grew larger and more painful,
instead of going away, so shed finally allowed Papa to take her into town to see Dr. Letendre. It
was cancer, theyd been told. His first plan of attack was using radiation, but ensuing surgery
confirmed that the cancer had spread. Metastasized Dr. Letendre called it. The surgeons did
what they could and followed with more radiotherapy, but everyone whispered that the
prognosis wasnt good.
When Mama came home from the hospital, tending to her had naturally fallen to Gabrielle,
since she already almost single-handedly saw to the running of the house. As the weeks wore
on though, Gabrielle grew more and more concerned as her mothers condition worsened.
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4 A Mothers Heart
It hadnt been easy growing up so many years in just a few months, but Gabrielle knew she had
no choicethere was no one else. Yet the weight of the responsibilities thrust upon her was
nothing compared to the dread descending on her. The black dresses could mean only one
thing.
She shook her head, set her jaw. There was no time to worry. Mama had given her a task and,
heaven help her, she was going to see it through. With the relief that always came with action,
Gabrielle marched herself into the kitchen for the matches to light a lamp, then turned toward
her bedroomthe attic was dusty, shed need a kerchief for her hair.
Upstairs, Gabrielle opened the first drawer of the bureau she shared with her sister Francine,
and rummaged through it. When you take your umbrella with you in case it rains, it never does.
The thought just popped into her mind. That was it! Mama was just preparing them for the
worst, that way it wouldnt happen. Clinging to that thought, she sniffled and ran a knuckle
under her eyes to dry them. She found what she was looking for and was about to close thedrawer, when she realized what a mess shed made in her agitation. She stopped to rearrange it
before securing the kerchief on her head. She tied the ends neatly under her braids and picked
up the oil lamp from the night table. After looking in on the two youngest boys napping in the
next room, she proceeded down the hall toward the attic door.
The heavy wooden door opened onto narrow steps. Oh, how she hated those steps. They were
steep and led to a dark gloomy place, where she had climbed only once before, a long time
agoto get the cradle Papa had made for the first baby, the cradle that each baby in turn had
spent its firsts days in.
She remembered Mamas pains had come early and, since Papa was haying in the field with the
older boys, Gabrielle and Francine had been sent up to get the cradle. The baby had only lived
for two hours. , with this terrible task ahead of her, Gabrielle wished Fran were here.
She set the lamp down on the windowsill at the bottom of the stairs, walked up to push open
the trap door, and hurried back down again. She fished in the pocket of her apron for the
matchbox shed brought from the kitchen. She lit the wick, picked up the lamp in o ne hand her
skirts in the other, and climbed three quarters of the way. She set the lamp on the door and
scrambled up the last steps into attic space.
The roof pitched upward in dark beams above her, and her shadow sprang up the wall,
elongated and grotesque. It was shivery and dusty up here, mysterious with the collections of
generations past gathered all around. Boxes, pieces of broken furniture and a small pile of
discarded booksMamas probably, from her schoolteacher dayswere stacked beside the old
cedar chest.
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Nicole F. McKnight 5
She fingered the old volumes with wonder. Curious, she plucked one off the pile and blew off
the dust. It was a history book. Inside the cover she read: This book belongs to Miss Anna
Bensette. Perhaps it was during her teaching yearsbefore shed marriedthat Mama had
developed the special kind of organization and motivation skills that she would so effectively
use on her family. Her joie de vivre mustve made her very popular with her students, Gabriellemused.
She smiled as she stroked her mothers angulated script inside the books cover. It was hard to
imagine Mama as anyone but the strong, funny, loving mother she knew. There was no one in
the world like Mama. Sometimes, while they were preparing supper, she would start telling a
funny story. Gabrielle would get laughing so hard, shed lose track of what she was doing and
peel too much off the potatoes. Without missing a beat, Mama would see, correct her, then go
on with the story, her cheery laughter filling the kitchen with love.
In the summer, Mama would send the little ones to wash their feet in the dew while sheprepared breakfast and the older children went about the morning chores around the farm.
When they were indoors and became too noisy, shed call them to the window and point out
the swallows perched on the barn roof. See the little birds? shed say, her voice hushed.
Watch how they tilt their heads toward heaven. Theyre talking to God. Shed smile and
whisper, Listen... Hear them signing their prayers? With wide-eyed belief, calm ensued and
silence would reign for a few precious moments. No matter what she was doing, hanging out
the wash, scrubbing the dairy down or weeding the garden, Mamas singing could be heard
mingling with the sounds of nature. Her voice was as much a part of the soothing sounds of
summer as was the bird chatter, the croak of frogs or the cheep cheep of crickets. Gabriellesighed.
She approached the cedar chest as though it was Pandoras Box. Then with childish trust, she
brought the lamp closer. Surely if she opened it to the light, hope would dissipate the shadow
of death that the idea of the black dresses had cast into her heart. When you take your
umbrella with you in case it rains, it never does. Once again, the phrase came to her as if to give
her heart courage. She dusted off the chest cover with her hand, and slowly lifted it.
There were old photos in the compartments dividing the top box-like shelf. She recognized one
that mightve been her father as a young boy. Curbing the temptation to study th em and delaythe inevitable, Gabrielle pulled the shelf out and set it down atop an old crate.
The first thing that caught her eye was a small bundle wrapped in a dishcloth. Lifting it out
carefully, she unfolded it to discover it was the Sainte-Anne porcelain font for holy water that
had always hung in the old house. She remembered it had broken during the move. Mama had
said shed glue it one of these days and hang it in the entryway, so that her patron saint could
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6 A Mothers Heart
protect this houseas it had the previous onefrom the destruction of fire. Making up her
mind to do just that the minute she had free time, Gabrielle wrapped it up again and set it
down beside her. Again, she bent to her task, leaning deep into the fragrant trunk, to continue
her search. Under a layer of clothes that smelled of mould and mothballs, she found the
dreaded black dresses.
As soon as she lifted them out, the smell of incense that still clung to them caused a memory to
rush to the fore with a force that surprised her. It was the image of a coffin set in the suffused
purple of the candle-lit space below the chancel of Saint-Aims Church.
Aunt Emma, her Godmother, had passed away three days after Gabrielles fifth birthday.
Gabrielle hadnt understood much about the funeral goings-on, but as long as she lived, she
would never forget the sombre ceremony. Everyone wore black. The air, thick with the pungent
odours of flowers, incense and burned wax, made Gabrielles stomach heave.
After a lot of wailing and praying, and talking about the poor soul, Grandma took Gabrielle by
the hand to go visit Auntie before the final closing of the casket. Visit. Thats what shed said.
Were going to go visit Aunt Emma. You couldnt visit with a dead person. They were cold and
stiff. The someone theyd been inside was gone.
The absurdity of that visitespecially the grownups insisting she touch Auntie to say
goodbyehad been totally terrifying. Aunties skin was cold and grey -white, and she smelled
weird. Trying not to cry, Gabrielle had averted her eyes and focussed on the statue of the child
Jesus. But then shed thought, Jesus might be sad because after all, Auntie was going to be with
Him . Then there were the things shed overheard her big sisters whisper regarding preparingthe corpse for the wake. She shivered and shook out the dresses.
There were five, varying in size, all made with thick rough cotton. As she sat back on her
haunches holding them, the full meaning of what her mother asked her to prepare for became
a vice around her chest. It squeezed and squeezed, stealing her breath and leaving a hole
somewhere near her heart, a hollowness that burned as she tried to breathe. She sat huddled
in the pale light of the lamp, crushing the dresses to her, while the wind buffeted the house,
echoing the pain in her heart as it wailed gustily through the cracks in the attic.
Oh, no, Mama, she uttered, her voice raw. Please, you cant leave us. The supplicationcame in a whisper through muffled sobs.
Hail Marys and Our Fathers spilled from her trembling lips. She offered up her despair to God
and prayed, imploring him to give her strength. Her eyes burned and she tasted salt and dirt
from the tears that ran down her dusty face into her mouth.
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Nicole F. McKnight 7
How could they carry on without Mama, without her smile, without her singing? Who would
tell them the stories about the good old days? Dear God, please heal her, shes your most
devoted servant. Shes a loving mother and she never lets us forget our prayers or the rosary
every night. She never sins. Oh, heavenly Father, shes the closest thing to an angel you have
here on earth and...And we need her so much. Her body sagged in dejection, and heaving sobsovertook her.
She gave way to the pain and let her tears fall, offering them to God. When the torrent slowed,
she caught her breath and continued in urgent hiccups, Dear L-Lord, I know Im not s-supposed
to question your will, but how can I not? It isnt fair for you to ask me to give her up to
demand the little ones grow up without knowing her. She sniffled, wiped her nose with the
back of her hand. B-because theyll forget her laughter, her stories. Her songs.
Before Mama got sick, life used to be so pleasant, so full of fun and laughter, Lord. One time,
during taffy making, you know? Fran started a sticky game of tag with the wooden spatulasHer breath hitched on a strangled laugh. W-we chased the boys right into the house, giggling
and hollering and carrying on, you know? Welluntil we came up short, bumping into Mama.
Gabrielle passed a knuckle under her nose again and went on. She tried to scold us for running
in the house, but couldnt. Instead, she burst out laughing. She even helped us catch Lionel.
Mama was so pretty when she laughed, Lord. Her brown eyes shone and the sound of her
laughter always made us feel happy inside. Gabrielle paused in her remembering, then added
dreamily, I love the way she lifts a hand to smooth the wisps of hair that escape the braid
down her back.
She shook her head, heaved a shuddering breath and mopped her face with a corner of her
apron, before replacing the shelf and closing the chest cover. How long had she been crouched
here, clutching her memories? Her legs were stiff and suddenly, she was aware of the cold
through her cardigan. Reluctant to get back to the here and , she got to her feet.
Encumbered by the dresses and the font, she backed down the first few steps. She stretched to
blow out the lamp, picked it up and pulled the trap door shut before making her way back
down.
She replaced the lamp, and went down to splash her face with water from the basin on the
kitchen sideboard. She didnt want Mama or the babies to see her puffy eyes and worry. Also,
shed do well to hide the dresses. The others would be home from school in a while. She didnt
want anyone to catch sight of them and start asking questions to which Gabrielle had no
answers.
God, how on earth would she break this to Fran? Francine was going to have as much trouble
facing the black dresses as she had. In fact, knowing Fran, shed simply refuse to listen. But
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8 A Mothers Heart
Gabrielle needed to tell someoneand who else could she talk to about this? Francine was her
best friend and her confidante.
After drying her face, Gabrielle tucked the black dresses under the stack of mending and ironing
atop the Singer sewing machine in the far corner of the kitchen. Surely, no one would look
there. No sooner had she hidden them away, than the two little ones awakened and she was
back upstairs.
She scooped them up, one toddler on each hip. It was a relief to have them to take her mind off
the dread that had settled over her. They wrapped their arms around her neck as she carried
them down. Taking solace against her sorrow, she nuzzled them, breathed in the baby smell she
loved. She hugged them gently. Their warm little bodies, limp from sleep, comforted her.
She gave them milk and oatmeal cookies, which they gobbled down as small boys do, leaving a
mess of crumbs on the table and a white moustache under their noses. She wiped their face
and hands, applying tricks and tickles against their objections, then dressed them for outside.
Once they were busily trudging in the snow, she went down the hall to peek in on Mama.
Finding her sleeping peacefully, Gabrielle decided it was the perfect time to set to work on the
font.
Turning it over in her hands, she examined the damage. The small porcelain figure of Saint-
Anne stood behind the font, her arms wide, displaying the receptacle for holy water. As
Gabrielle studied the Bonne-Sainte-Anne, as Mama called her patron saint, the porcelain face
seemed to shine with heavenly perfection. Luckily, that part of Mamas treasure hadnt been
damaged in the move five years before.
Gabrielle had been eight years old when the family moved to this farm. The town had wanted
to appropriate the stream on their old farm to bring water to the village, so town officials made
arrangements with Papa. they lived at the Vanier farm, which had earlier become town
property. It was closer to the school and church, about a mile from the town of Asbestos,
named after the open pit asbestos mine, the Johns-Manville, where Papa worked as a daily
labourer making moulds and sweeping.
At school, Gabrielle had learned that asbestos was a fibrous mineral with special fire, heat and
sound insulating properties. Papa had explained that the mined asbestos fibres were sorted and
graded to be used in fabrics or moulded goods, mostly for the purpose of making building
materials.
The new farm suited them perfectly. Papa hired a man to help the older children work the
extensive land and take care of the animals, while he continued to work at the mine. From the
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Nicole F. McKnight 9
bottom of the new farm, they could still see the old elm tree beckoning them from their land-
over-yonderas Papa had baptized the old property. Every summer the family gathered for
picnics in the shade of its umbrella-like branches.
Shortly after the move to the Vanier house, Mama, with her ingenuity and good business
acumen, opened a general store. It was set up in the large front section of the house, with a
separate door to the right of their entryway so customers could access it from outside.
Soon her little business was known up and down the neighbouring rows. People even came
from out of town to buy their supplies, and travellers often stopped in as well.
Colourful flowers rioted red, pink and gold along the porches in the summer. Asparagus and
peonies mingled with petunias, jonquils and alyssums made a pretty island across the entrance,
providing a decorative circle drive for the horse and buggies and motorcars to come and go
easily.
Gabrielle always enjoyed working in the store. To her way of thinking, tending the store was a
glamorous sort of job. It was fun to fill Mrs. Reneaults egg basket or dispense bread flour for
Mrs. Scott. They also sold sugar, butter, cream, milk, and in season, vegetables from the
garden. Other necessities such as lamp oil and lighter fuel were provided through a travelling
salesman who came round regularly.
It was quite a balancing act to co-ordinate housework, the store and caring for her mother, but
Gabrielle managed somehow. Perhaps Mamas organization skills were rubbing off on her.
Nevertheless, she was thankful for the weekends, when Fran could help. It meant Gabrielle
might be free to babysit for the neighbours and earn a little pocket money.
Her thoughts returning to the task at hand, Gabrielle examined the font more closely. The
receptacle was cracked and chipped, but it looked like the chunk wrapped in the dishcloth had
broken off clean. She carefully took the pieces to the large kitchen table, and set to work by the
window, where the light was best, and where she could keep an eye on the little ones.
She dabbed a bit of glue along the jagged edge of the loose piece and meticulously worked it
place. Then, using a darning needle, she guided a thin line of adhesive along the length of the
crack, from the lip to the middle of the bowl to seal it. She set the font aside to dry on the
worktable beside the sewing machine. When it was ready, Gabrielle would show it to Mama,
and fill the small font with Easter Water to hang in the entrance hall.
Easter Water was collected from the stream on their old property just before sunrise on Easter
Sunday, and blessed by Father McGregor during Easter Sunday Mass. Mama kept it in a small
crock in the pantry. It had many uses.
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10 A Mothers Heart
When a violent electrical storm hit, Mama would sprinkle it in the windows for divine
protection. When Papa bestowed the New Years benediction, he would dip his fingers in the
ladle, and make a small cross on your headfrom Mama down to the smallest babe. Easter
Water might be used when praying for a sick child or administering the last rites. It was also
said to be effective when performing exorcisms.
Not long after she finished the repairs on the font, Gabrielle heard her brothers and sisters
returning from school, joking and hollering as they got ready to do their outside chores. She
plucked her coat from the entry hook and opened the door halfway. Leaning a shoulder against
the doorframe, she folded her arms over the crisscrossed edges of her coat and watched her
siblings unobserved.
Francine came out of the hen house, swinging a basket of eggs in one hand and her
schoolbooks in the other. Gabrielle winced as Francines outgrown coat sleeves rode halfway up
her forearm when she raised the basket. Ill have to give her Audreys hand-me-down that Ifixed for myself last week, she thought, the sleeves that were too complicated to hem will fit her
arms better. I dont need it except for church anyway, she convinced herself. Besides, I can
always wear Frans for thatthe outgrown sleeves wont be so noticeable on me.
Fran noticed Gabrielle watching from the doorway. She looked up and held up the basket. Hi,
sis. Nice haul huh? she called. Enough for omelettes in the morning andto sell in the store,
she hollered over the noise of the four youngest playing leapfrog in the snow.
Gabrielle was taken aback. Shed never realized before how much her younger sister truly
resembled her. As Fran neared the house, Gabrielle eyed her sister, appraising. Fran was aslightly rounder, half-inch taller version of Gabrielle, her hair ash brown whereas Gabrielles
was lighter.
She shook her head. No wonder everyone had taken to calling them the twins. It was almost
like looking in the mirror! Not only that, they were less than a year apart in age and
inseparableat least they had been up until Mama got sick.
Fran came up the steps, kissed Gabrielles cheek and grinned. Her smile showed slightly
overlapped eyeteeth and a small gap in the front, where she d chipped a tooth once, playing
baseball with the boys. This made her mild lispa condition that afflicted many of the Gregorychildrenmore noticeable and caused her to pronounce certain words with a hissing sound.
Gabrielle opened the door wider to let her in. What do you feed the hens, I ask you? Look at
the sizeof these eggs, she teased as she took the basket. Ill help you clean them while you
tell me everythingthat happened at school today, then well get supper started. They peeled
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Nicole F. McKnight 11
off their coats and linked arms to walk into the kitchen together, kindred spirits no matter
what, work or play.
For Gabrielle there was very little play these days. It was just as well, she supposed. Work was
the one thing she could count on to keep the bte-noire from creeping into her thoughts. After
all, when one was focussed on feeding thirteen hungry mouths, cleaning up after thirteen
messy people and running the store, there wasnt much time for thinking let alone worrying.
Marcel and Justin were at it again today, Francine said with a mischievous spark in her eyes as
she pumped water into the sink. Marcel was harassing Justin, you know, the way he always
does? Well, hes going on about Justin looking like a ranch hand with his tattered pants and all,
and then he says, What? Didnt have time to change after doin your Pas work this morning?
We all know hes a drunk. So Justin picks up Marcel by the shirtfront and forces him backward
all the way out of the school house into the yard, where he proceeds to pummel him until Miss
Gervais comes out and physically separates them!
Youre joking! Mild mannered polite Justin?
The very same.
Gabrielle shook her head. She liked Justin. He was one of the older boys at school. He was
bright, kind, and strong looking, but for all his muscles, he was gentle as a lamb. Gabrielle
thought it unfair that the other boysespecially Marcelalways made fun of him. Bravo I say.
Its about time Justin stands up to that bully finally!
She had told him to once, when, walking home from school he had fallen in step beside her andMarcel the bully has started taunting and mimicking, egged on by his two sidekicks. Gabrielle
had resisted the urge to go punch him out herself. Shed grabbed Justins books and said under
her breath, Show em what youre made of. Hed hesitated, saying his Ma didnt like him
fighting. She wouldnt want you taking this abuse. Go on, shed urged.
No sooner had Justin rolled up his sleeves and put up his dukes than Marcel veered off in the
opposite direction, his cronies loping alongside him. She and Justin had taken the long way
back. Hed carried her books as they discussed the geography assignment they were to
complete for homework. Shed gotten home late and had had to rush through her chores so
Mama wouldnt scold her.
As she scrubbed the eggs, Gabrielle was no longer listening to the tale of Frans day. Without
realizing it, as she often did lately, she slipped back to an easier, better time.
Not that long agoyet a lifetime ago it seemedher days had gone along according to the
routine that governed most French Canadian households. School, chores, play, the rosary at
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12 A Mothers Heart
seven oclock each evening and church on Sunday. There was never a dull moment in the
Gregory household.
Life had been pleasantly simple then. Though she always had her hands full with the house, the
outside work or the store, Mama always found a few minutes to play with themas long as
their homework and their chores were done. Kickball in the backyard. A round of cards. A
snowball fight. Everyone would join the frayeven Pa Joe, as the older boys called Papacould
be persuaded on occasion.
Leisure time did not abound however. Mama had special jobs for everyone in her brood. Haying
was reserved for the older boys. Feeding the animals, weeding the garden or milking the cows
were jobs the school-aged children were assigned. The task of collecting the eggs usually fell to
the young girls. And berry picking in season was a family affair.
Mama knew her children well and assigned duties accordingly. She made it known that
whatever job you did, the spirit with which you worked was what mattered in the eyes of God,
and so it was important to always do your best.
Gabrielle believed strongly in that principle. She strived to make God, Mama and Miss Gervais
proud, whatever she undertook. Secretly shed hoped to continue her education and join the
convent. But those dreams seemed as likely as her joining the circus.
The two eldest girls in the family were married, and Lorie worked on the farm. The next
daughter in line was Audrey, but since shed entered the postulate before misfortune hit, it was
Gabrielle whod been taken out of school to help out in the house. Lucky Audrey. Gabrielle had
to admit she was a little envious.
Without a doubt, it wouldbe nice to have an education, to have her own room and the priory
cook prepare the meals. Wouldnt she love to have time left over from her studies to read or do
fancyworkafter all, idle hands might be tempted to do the devils work. It was much better to
use them for ladylike graces like embroidery, which could be put to good use in the convent or
in the church.
Gabrielle knew it had been hard for her mother to withdraw her from schoolhaving been a
teacher, Mama believed strongly in educationbut with a large family to care for and her
health deteriorating, shed needed the help and Gabrielle had been the obvious choice. She
thrived on working beside her mother, without a single thought to shirking her tasks. Though
she tried not to show it, Gabrielle knew there was a special place in her Mamas heart for her.
Theyd enjoyed many heart-to-heart moments while working together. As Gabrielle visualized
the years stretching ahead without her guidance, she wondered what would become of them
all.
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Nicole F. McKnight 13
Right, Gabs? ... Gabs?
Gabrielle blinked. Sorry, Franc, she said, using her pet name for Francine to chase away the
worried look in her sisters eyes, I guess Im just tired.
Softly sighing away a tinge of envy for things that mightve been, Gabrielle went diligently backto work. Keep your chin up, girl, she told herself.
Fran gave her sister an inquisitive look but asked no questions as they prepared the evening
meal side by side.
The tablecloth was smoothed on and the meal served, but suppertime wasnt the same either.
Even though it had been ages since Mama had joined them at the supper table, they just
couldnt get used to her chair being vacant. Without her to buffer Papas sternness, the evening
routine seemed flat.
Put your hands on your lap, mister, we havent said grace yet, Gabrielle chastised Ross as he
reached for the bread. Not in the least intimidated by his sister, he eyed her with an arch glance
from across the table as Lorie proceeded to say grace.
Gabrielle dished chicken stew into little Donnys bowl and turned to Francine, Franc, would
you mash this and feed the baby while I serve the little ones, please?
Sure.
Sonya, Marjolaine, Danielle and George were seated side by side, waiting their turn. Sonya tried
to keep little George from squirming out of his seat. Sit nicely, Georgie and Ill spread your
bread with extra butter for you. At nine, she was already like a little mother to him.
Okay! But dont mash my tatoes. Im not a baby.
When everyones plate was filled and the bread and butter passed around, the family ate with
relish. This is really tasty, girls, you did a good job. Luc smiled appreciatively. Worldly -minded
and bossy though he was Luc was always kind.
Oh, Maggie dear, dont eat your potatoes with your fingers. Use your fork. Danielle wiped
Maggies fingers and looked at her with encouragement. Thats a good girl , she smiled.Marjolaine had a mild mental deficiency and would sometimes regress to babyish behaviour.
Danielle, though slightly younger, had become her champion and always looked out for her.
Mama would be proud, thought Gabrielle.
It looks like were going to get more snow. I hope it doesnt turn into a blizzard, Papa
commented.
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14 A Mothers Heart
If we do, Jeffrey-Todd will be put in charge of the hen house, stated Lorie. She looked
pointedly at JT. Last time the animals needed to be sheltered in the barn, you forgot to
separate Brandy and Biscuit the next day, and Biscuits in foal. She shouldnt be. Not until next
year at the very earliest.
Yeah yeah, listen to the old maid, miss know-it-all, grumbled JT.
Lorie, the old maidso named by her siblings because she had long since passed the suitable
marrying agewore overalls and took care of the outside jobs. Cleaning out the stalls, seeing to
the chickens, feeding the cows and working in the fields were the chores Lorie excelled at and
seemed to enjoy best. She could put in a hard days work and accomplish as much as any one of
the men. In fact, it was she who oversaw the work to be done in and around the barnyard. She
even helped with the haying.
Old maid indeed. If it wasnt for your lack of diligence youd be a good worker, JT, Lorie said
with the gentle sarcasm that was her habit and reputeand always delivered without even the
hint of mirth.
Be nice to him, Lo, you knowhe has difficulty working without his ol pal Lionel, Ross put in.
Without looking up from his plate, JT cuffed him upside the head.
It was true. He did miss his older brother Lionel, who had fled to Ontario to join the army after
his last row with Pa Joe. But in as much as JT was the spitting image of his father, blonde and
lanky, he had none of Papas industriousness. He lived one day at a time, quite happy to be told
what to do, as long as he could get a pint or two down his gullet on a regular basis.
Oh. I almost forgot, Gabrielle said. Rose dropped by on Marys behalf this morning. Shes
been having dizzy spells again. The doctor has ordered her to bed-rest for a few days, so shell
need an extra pair of hands on the weekend.
Because of Marys frail constitution, she often needed assistance, and often asked Gabrielle and
Francine to come to her house to do chores or help tend the children.
Ill go Gabrielle, Fran offered. Youve got enough on your hands. Ill take Danielle and George
with me. Theyll keep Marys little ones occupied so she can rest and I can concentrate on thehousework.
When everyone had eaten their fill and the table was cleared, Fran and the children settled at
the table with homework or cut-up paper bags and crayons. Gabrielle made her way to her
mothers room with a tray. Papa was already there, pulling the drapes closed against the
evening chill. Mama, Ive brought you a little supper, she said, setting the tray down.
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Nicole F. McKnight 15
Oh my sweet girl, her mother replied. Im afraid Im not very hungry. Her voice was thin and
gravelly.
Ma, you have to give it a try, Papa said gruffly. Its really very good, he added more gently,
winking at Gabrielle.
That made Gabrielle nervous, because Pa Joes face was rarely other than serious or
contemplative. Except when he spoke to store customers or to his co-worker friends. And shed
neverheard him compliment anyone before. She stared blankly at him until she heard him say,
Come on, girl, help me prop your mother up a little.
Yes, Pa.
As he gently eased her into a semi-sitting position, Gabrielle slipped more pillows behind
Mamas back for added support. When she was relatively comfortable, Gabrielle fed her a little
of the broth from the stew she and Fran had made for supper. Mama only managed a fewspoonfuls before she grew exhausted and they had to lie her down again. Papa gave her a dose
of Laudanum and she drifted off to sleep.
After the dishes, the children dutifully recited the rosaryled by Lorie , and the little ones were
bathed and put to bed. Fran and Gabrielle set the table for breakfast, and, after a last check on
their mother, went up to prepare for the night.
It was there in the darkness, snuggled down under the covers next to Frans warmth that
Gabrielle was finally able to share her burden.
Franc... How could she put it into words?
Fran twisted in the bed to look at her. Gabrielle opened her mouth but no sound came out.
Well, what? enquired Francine impatiently.
Gabrielle swallowed and hauled the duvet up to her chin, gathering her courage.
Whats eating you, Gabs? And dont go telling me nothing because I can tell this is big. Youve
been preoccupied all evening, and dont think I havent noticed your red eyes.
Gabrielle heaved a sigh and tried again, Franc...Mama sent me to the attic to
Well if thats whats upset you, you should have waited for me. I would have gone up with you.
I know how you hate going up there and
Gabrielle shook her head, gripped Frans wrist. You dont understand. She sent me up there to
get the black d-dresses from the trunkshe swallowed and licked her lips because her mouth
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16 A Mothers Heart
had gone dry from nervesShe s-said that each of us girls will need one. Choking on a sob,
she gulped and cried, Oh, Franc, Im so frightened!
Fran swallowed hard and gripped Gabrielles hands tightly. By the light of the moon shining
through the window she searched her sisters face, but refused to acknowledge what she saw in
the solemn eyes looking back at her. Then, sounding very much like their mother, she said,
Gabrielle Gregory, get a hold of yourself. You know Mama, shes always preparing for the
worst. Besides, you know what Grandma always, says: when you bring your umbrella in case it
rains, it never does. She mimicked their grandmother perfectly.
When Gabrielle didnt laugh, she pushed herself up on an elbow. With her head in her hand,
she said in a softer tone, Hey...come on. Im sure youre getting worked up for nothing.
At that, Gabrielle sat up, straight-faced. No. This time its different, Franc. I really think Mamas
going to die. Shes been sick for a long time and shes not getting better. In fact shes getting
worse. There was a long pause. Remember what Father McGregor said last summer when
little Alice Cookley drowned? He said that God takes those he loves sooner.
Francine gave a slow nod and pushed herself up and sat, her eyes big and round in her small
face as Gabrielle continued, And for Petes sake, Franc, God must love Mama at least twice as
much as she loves Him, because shes so pious and she never sins.
This seemed to puncture Frans stubborn resolve. Fat tears began to rain down her face.
Gabrielle gripped her shoulders, Mamas going to die and she knows it! she said in a squeaky
whisper. Thats why she sent me to the attic for the black dresses...
Their tears mingled as they fell into each others arms. Gabrielle could finally let the tears come
and share her desolation.
This wasnt the way it was supposed to be. They should be scampering in the woods, making
daisy chains, telling secrets and giving each other home perms, not getting ready for their
mothers death.
Instinctively the two girls pushed to their knees in the bed and began to recite Hail Marys and
Our Fathers, while fingering the medal of the Holy Face of Jes us that their mother had pinned
to their camisoles. Eventually they eased onto their haunches and for a long time they stayed
like this, holding each other, bathed in moonlight, praying and crying together.
Franc? Gabrielle asked tentatively after a while, Remember the time we ran away from
doing the dishes? Her nose was congested from crying and she sounded like she had a cold.
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Nicole F. McKnight 17
Ha, yeah... Fran gave a sob-strangled laugh. We stayed away thinking Mama would assign
someone else to the job, only to discover the dirty dishes waiting for us when we got back at
sundown, hot and tired from hiding behind the hay stacks.
Gabrielle gave a sniffle and added in a shaky voice, Those dishes were so crusty it took me
twice as long to wash them!
For a long moment neither girl spoke. Suddenly Frans voice broke the silence.
Remember the time Mama played confession with all of us when Uncle Arthur came to
visit? she asked in a nasal whisper.
How could I forget?
Uncle Arthur, Mamas brother, who was as high-spirited and impish as she was, had decided to
play a trick on all of them. Mama was more than happy to oblige, and had agreed to play the
priest.
With the kitchen table skirted with a long sheet that reached the floor, Mama sat in a chair atop
it with the afghanher vestmentsaround her shoulders. The rag rug had been pulled from in
front of the sink and placed before the table, half of it neatly tucked under, hidden by the
sheet.
Each child in turn came in and stood on the rug to confess his or her sins while the others
waited in the parlour. As soon as Mama granted absolution, Uncle Arthurwho hadnt gone to
the outhouse as theyd been told but was, instead, hiding under the tableyanked the rugfrom under the unsuspecting childs feet, and she or he found themselves on their rump. The
prank was repeated until everyone had gone through, and Mama laughed gleefully every single
time.
Thats what Ill miss most about Mama, her laugh. You? Fran asked, swiping at the tears of
sorrow and laughter on her cheeks.
Yeah, me too. That, and the way she sang all the time. Gabrielles voice trailed off and fresh
tears filled her eyes. I miss her already, she thought, while quiet sobs shook her body. Fran held
her tight, and it wasnt long before Gabrielle felt Frans tears drenching the shoulder of hernightdress.
They clung to each other until their weeping subsided and they became calm again.
Gabrielle dried her face with a corner of the bed sheet. Franc?
Yeah?
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18 A Mothers Heart
Promise me something?
Anything, Francine repliedin a shaky hiccup. She tilted her face to meet Gabrielles eyes.
Promise me well always be best friends. That well always be there for each other no matter
what.
I promise, she said, knuckling her wet eyes.
Swear it on Auntie Emmas grave and all the saints.
I swear, cross my heart and hope to die. Fran traced a cross over her heart with her finger.
After a last hug, they blew their noses and made a plan for the next day. Francine would stay
home from school to help Gabrielle do the inside chores and work on the dresses. The sooner
they had their umbrella ready, the sooner they could prevent the storm from coming.
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CHAPTER 2
The sun was bright on this mild February Saturday, and it smelled like spring. The little ones
were playing outside, the older boys and Lorie had gone into town with Papa. It was barely two
oclock and the chores were donewell, except for the hemming. The black dresses were
posing a bit of a challenge and Gabrielle and Fran had to see Rose for pointers.
Gabrielle wiped the cookie crumbs off the table, rinsed the dishcloth and wrung it out. Drying
her hands on her apron, she entered her mothers room. What she saw made her happier than
discovering presents under the tree on Christmas morning.
Mama was smiling.
She hurried to the bedside, pulled the straight-back chair close to the bed.
Whats brought on that beautiful smile, Mama? she asked gently, leaning in to kiss her.
Ohwatching the little ones playing in the snowthinking about all the times I gave you kids
rides in the snow scoop. She shook her head lightly, a dreamy look in her eyes. The games we
played she breathed.
Her voice was barely audible, but it was so good to see a smidgen of the old spark in her eyes.
I remember, Gabrielle said, covering her mothers handsthey were seldom without her
rosary, We had a lot of fun, didnt we? She said, bringing the frail hands to her cheek. She sat
reminiscing with her for a few minutes. She tired so easily. Even a short visit left her breathless.
A light sheen of perspiration glistened on her forehead. Gabrielle smoothed back a damp curl,
wrung out the facecloth from the basin and patted Mamas face.
Cool. Tfeels good, Mama whispered and smiled weakly. Gabrielle rinsed the cloth and wrung
it out, but when she turned to bring it to her mothers face again, Mama stayed her hand.
Water, she croaked.
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20 A Mothers Heart
Gabrielle put the cloth back. She brought the glass of water from the bedside table to her
mothers lips and lifted her head so she could take a sip. Mama managed a few drops then
winced away from the glass. Gabrielle helped her lay back.
Lets put some lip balm on your lips. They look awfully dry, she said with the smile she was
getting used to pasting on to belie the worry she felt at seeing her mother in so much pain.
It was time for more Laudanum.
Afterward, with a practiced hand, Gabrielle felt beneath the bedclothes. Finding them damp
and bunched up, she said, Ill go get Fran and well change these sheets for you, Mama. You
rest while we get everything readyby the time we get back the medicine will have kicked in.
A few minutes later Francine came in behind Gabrielle, carrying an armload of linens. Here we
are, fresh from the clothesline and warmed beside the stove. She dropped the sheets and
towels on the chair and bent down to kiss her mother.
Well have you refreshed and comfortable in no time, Mama, Fran chirped. To Gabrielle she
said, Ive got this side, Gabrielle. She removed the coverlet and the top sheet from the bed,
and tucked a pillow behind Mamas back, securing it to give her support and help roll her onto
her side.
On the opposite side of the bed, Gabrielle peeled the bottom sheet from under the mattress
and folded it over, close to Mamas body, tucked it gently under and met her eye, Ready?
When Mama nodded, Gabrielle cradled her in her arms. Okay, lean on me.
On the count of three, Fran carefully rolled Mama onto her side, covered her with a fresh sheet
and eased the bottom one from under her. Mama, did you know that the little mare, B iscuit is
in foal? The vet came today and confirmed it, Fran announced as she worked. They spread the
fresh linen out and in one smooth movement had Mama back onto the clean sheet, fastening it
on the other side while removing the soiled one.
Oh. Brandy mustve gotto her, Mama put in haltingly. She swallowed with difficulty and
continued, Joe told Lorie toput him in a different paddock.
She did. But during the storm on New Years, the animals were sheltered in the barn and there
was chaos the next day, getting them out again, Fran explained.
JT probablyforgot toseparate them, Mama whispered and smiled knowingly.
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Nicole F. McKnight 21
She stared absently out the window for a second, and then asked, her voice hoarse, When
they come back in, havehave the little ones put their mittens by the stove to dry. Theyll need
themfor school tomorrow.
Francine looked up perplexed. Mama? Tomorrows Sunday She shot Gabrielle a questioning
look.
Its the Laudanum, Gabrielle whispered to her.
Oh, she mouthed.
Sundayalready Mama murmured and fingered her rosary.
After the fresh sheets were pulled taut and a clean comforter smoothed over top, Gabrielle
went to the kitchen stove to get a basin of warm water, and Francine left with the load of soiled
linens.
Gabrielle returned to wash her Mamas face and hands. She wiped slowly and softly over the
translucent skin. She was about to slip Mamas wedding ring back on, but Mama stopped her
and closed Gabrielles fingers around the plain gold band shed worn since her wedding day.
I want you to have it, Gabrielle.
But Mama Gabrielle breathed.
Her mother squeezed Gabrielles fingers and blinked her affirmation.
Gabrielle swallowed, nodded, and slipped the ring onto the chain with the cross pendant she
wore around her neck, trying not to think of the significance of what had just happened.
She carried on with the sponge bath, making sure to cover Mama with thick towels as she
moved from top to bottom. Then she mixed a drop of rubbing alcohol into a little fragrant utter
creamMama swore it was the best moisturizer there was. She gently rolled Mama sideways
with a pillow cradling her front and another between her knees, then began to massage her
back.
Whatre you makingfor supper, ma poulette? There should be enough beef leftover to make
hashi.
Yes, dont worry yourself, Mama. Theres plenty left for hashi, and Fran and I already have the
vegetables ready to go in it. Put your head down and let me massage your back, while I sing A
la claire fontainefor you, she ordered mildly.
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22 A Mothers Heart
Her mother loved the folk song. She used to sing it often as she worked, and the children had
picked it up in no timeeven the two small boys knew most of the refrain. Gabrielle sang
softly, the misery of the moment forgotten while she relaxed Mamas knotted muscles with
warm palms and nimble fingers. When she was satisfied, she slipped a clean nightdress
carefully over each armshed altered three of them to fit like hospital gownsand tied theribbons at the back.
There. Thatll feel better. She smoothed the nightgown over Mamas legs and pulled up the
covers. Next, she began to brush her mothers hair. Only a few months ago it had been thick
and silky. , it was thinning and brittle and a lot of it fell out with every gentle stroke of the
brush.
Gabrielle swallowed her tears as she settled Mama against the fresh fluffy pillows that Fran had
just brought in, on her way to see to the two boys whod woken from their nap.
Gabrielle Massaged Mamas feet, working her magic and restoring circulation. Afterward she
pulled warm chausetteson each foot, tugged the comforter up to Mamas chin before giving
her a good measure of brandy.
There, youre all warm and cozy, she said, clearing her throat to cover the tremor in her voice,
and smiled at her mother. Bending over the frail form nestled in the bed, Gabrielle couldnt
help thinking how unrecognizable her mother had become. The life was slowly seeping out of
her, and there was nothing she could do. There was nothing any one of them could do. She
kissed her mothers forehead and left her to rest.
A week later, in the half-light of dusk, Anna lay quietly in her room. She could hear the after
supper bustling-about, even though it had been toned down for her benefit. She smiled to
herselfthis used to be her time with her children. For a few minutes after supper, as they
tidied the kitchen, they indulged in playful banter, teasing and horseplay. How many times had
she herself been the instigator? Of all the family activities they did together, this time had
always been her favourite. The end of the day when they were all gathered around her...
The door opened, admitting Gabrielle into the twilight of the room. Anna came out of her
reverie and watched her daughter light the lamp. She summoned Gabrielle to her side and eyed
her with a heart full of tenderness. Gabrielle was so dear to her.
Her gaze fell on the porcelain figure of her patron saint, which Gabrielle had taken the time to
repair, and tears of love blurred her eyes. When Gabrielle had surprised her with it, shed been
so touched that shed asked to have it hung on the wall beside her bed.
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We hemmed and pressed the last two dresses today, Mama, Gabrielle volunteered.
With a wan smile, Anna nodded her approval, then gathering her strength, she asked, Is
everyone in from doing the chores? She laboured to breathe and her throat felt like shed had
sandpaper stew. She ran her tongue over her dry lips and closed her eyes briefly.
Yes, Mama, Gabrielle answered, the words catching in her throat. Um, the little ones would
like to look in on you if thats okay? Theyve been very good and finished their lessons. Theyve
even cleaned their hands and face.
The poor child was rambling on. Anna knew Gabrielle felt compelled to report the young ones
good behaviour, if for no other reason than to fill the ominous silence, but the child also figured
it might cheer her mama up. The children had indeed been at their best lately as children often
are when they feel tension in the air. Sadly, despite Gabrielle and Frans bes t efforts to keep a
semblance of normalcy, Anna could tell the young ones sensed the sombre mood around the
house.
Mama nodded her acquiescence to Gabrielles question, and then she said something that
made the blood drain from Gabrielles face. Ma poulette, could you send Luc up the lane to tell
Rose and Mary to come?
Gabrielle blinked then nodded, and went out of the room. She didnt have to be told that
something was wrong. Mama would never ask the older girls to come at this time of nightthe
time when their babies were being put to bedeven though they were literally only a hop, a
skip and a jump away.
Gabrielle returned a moment later, with Danielle following behind her, holding Donald, and
Sonya, Maggie and George slowly bringing up the tail. Their faces freshly washed, their hands
clasped together, they stood in their nightshirts and the mismatched socks that kept their feet
warm on cold winter nights. Their eyes flitted back and forth between their mother and the
floor. Braver than his siblings, George smiled sheepishly from between Sonya and Maggie. The
girls had obviously combed his hairit was stuck to his forehead and trickles of water ran down
to his temples.
Came to kiss you goodnight, Mama, he said, a finger toying with his lip.
Anna smiled and held out a hand. He scooted over, kissed her quickly and scooted back. What a
little imp that one is. Her eyes travelled over each of her children, the beauty of their faces
pushing away the pain and the sorrow.
It wouldnt be long, she was going to have to entrust her babies to Gods care, she thought, as
they came one after the other to kiss her cheek. Danielle her gentle lamb, Maggie, a little slow
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24 A Mothers Heart
but so eager to please, Sonya, delicate and demure, and Donaldher babyher golden boy
who would never know his mother.
He squirmed in Gabrielles arms as she carried him to the bed, twisted toward Anna.
Mama...kisses. Anna opened her arms and the toddler kissed her noisily on the mouth, curled
up and lay his head down beside hers on the pillow. He put his chubby hand lightly on her
cheek. Mama sleep, he said.
She cupped a hand over his curly blond head. My children, my gifts from heaven. Oh, how I will
miss you, miss everything. Your joys and your sorrows. Your successes and your struggles.
Lord, I know each of them will touch this world in his or her own way. I ask that you walk with
them. Protect them along their lifes journey.
Fran entered the room, Ross and Lorie behind her. Theyd finished the outside chores and just
washed up, bringing with them the pleasant smell of animals, hay and soap. The other childrenparted to give them space at her side. Gabrielle scooped Donald into her arms. He was sawing
logs already, his thumb in his mouth. Anna watched Gabrielle leave with Sonya in tow, to put
the little ones to bed.
Ross bent his stocky form and brushed her forehead with a gentle kiss. Anna smiled at him as
he lifted away. Ross is such a good soul. His spunk will surely sustain his brothers and sisters. He
has a love of life that has never failed to delight me. Even, through his tears, I can see it. I pray
he never loses that.
She looked past Ross to where Lorie was pressed against the wall. Her face was devoid ofemotion, but her Bible was clutched to her chest in white-knuckled hands. Lord, because of her
introverted personality, my Lorie trusts only You for her solace, guidance and salvation. Protect
her. Set her on a course to serve you in a way that will suit her.
As soon as Gabrielle and Sonya returned, Gabrielle found her way to Frans side, and the two
linked hands.Ah, the twins. Anna smiled to herself.
Lord, you know my Fran is opinionated! Nevertheless, shes carefree, filled with the same spunk
as Ross. Keep her strong, and guide her always. She will be good for Gabrielle.
Little Gabrielle. She would take care of the whole world if she could. Lord, I know you will see
that she has a happy life. Surely, shell inspire everyone she meets, with her kindness and her
sunny disposition.
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As Anna looked over her family, a great calm filled her. Weightless, her mind clear, her pain
vanished. Time stood still. that her mind and her body were at peace, she could hear the
muted sounds of the men talking in the kitchen. It was almost time...
Luc, JT, Joe. She sighed. Lord, let them hear me and come, so that I may say goodbye.
As though her thoughts had summoned him, Luc stuck his head in the door. At her smile, he
entered, followed closely by Joe. The children shuffled to the side, allowing them to step to the
head of the bed.
She enquired with her eyes about JT. Joe shook his head. JT wouldnt leave the kitchen. He
couldnt bring himself to face what was happening. Tell him I love him, Anna pleaded with her
eyes. When Joe nodded, her thoughts shifted to Lionel, still in Ontario. She sent him a silent
goodbye.
Lord, protect and keep Lionel and JT. I can see so much pain ahead of them. I wish I could fightoff their demons and prevent their suffering. Please bless them and let them know how much I
love them.
She looked up into Lucs eyes, The girls?
Theyre on their way.
She gave him a small but loving smile. Luc would be this familys anchorthe invisible mesh
that would hold the family together in a way that she knew Joe never could. Dear Lord, thank
you for all the blessings you have given me in Luc and the man hes become. Im so proud ofhim. Walk with him always. Luc touched his mothers shoulder, then stepped back to give his
parents a moment.
Her gaze travelled to Joe. He was a man rigid in his convictions, unchangeable. Hardened by life,
he had been, and always would be, difficult to understand. There was goodness in him though.
It was to that goodness that she appealed now, as she looked lovingly at her husband of almost
twenty-five years. Take... care... of our family, she whispered, breathless.
She could see the pain in his wet eyes as he swallowed hard and took her hand between his
callused ones. This is so hard for him. She could feel him rubbing his thumb over her knuckles.He closed his eyes for a moment and shook his bent head. All of a sudden, she felt his whole
body convulse with silent sobs. She cradled his head with her free hand. Oh, merciful God, help
Joe through his grief. Help him find the patience and the strength for the hard times ahead.
And now, sweet Jesus, into your hands I deliver my life and my soul, amen. She let her hands
slowly slip back down to the coverlet.
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26 A Mothers Heart
Just then, Rose and Mary came through the door. Without taking off their coats and hats, they
rushed to the bed. Mama? they whispered in unison, each reaching for one of her hands.
Anna smiled gently. Lord, bless them and walk with them always. She released their hands and
felt for her rosary on the coverlet.
Gabrielle rushed to her mothers bedside, elbowing past Mary and Rose. Can I do something
for you, Mama? she breathed, smoothing back the hair from Mamas waxen cheek. She
needed to touch her, to hear her. To be doing something for her. Do you want a little water?
Anna shook her head slowly, looked at her little nurse tenderly, closed her eyes and drew her
last breath.
The lamplight flickered and the house grew completely still.
Gabrielle froze. But, Mama, wwe had our umbrellas ready...
Her gaze shifted to Fran. We did, didnt we, Franc? This cant she stammered, cutting her
sister a panicked glance ofstunned disbelief. She wanted her sister to tell her it wasnt true.
Fran came on silent feet to rest a hand on Gabrielles shoulder.
Gabrielle bent over her mothers still form. Mama? Mama? she cried. Tears poured out of her
eyes, blinding her. Mama...
Shes gone, Gabrielle, Fran said gently and gathered her sister to her.
Gabrielle let Fran cradle her head against her shoulder and held on. She let the pain wrack herbody, as her sister sat with her in the straight-backed chair and rocked her, enfolding her grief,
absorbing it to meld with her own.
The family stood where they were, crying softly. The children wide-eyed, Papa, Luc and JT
struck dumb, their hands stuffed in their pockets.
When Gabrielles tears subsided, she sucked in a ragged breath, wiped her face on her sleeve
and stood to look at her mother. Oh, Mama...whatever are we going to do without you? She
bent to kiss her mamas cheek. At least your suffering is over. Youre with the angels now, she
murmured, lovingly touching her mothers face. It was white and peaceful looking. Like thepicture cards of the saints that Miss Gervais had at school.
The next few days went by in a blur. Neighbours showed up at odd times with casseroles,
breads, cakes and squares. Papa hung a closed sign on the door to the general store. The
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Nicole F. McKnight 27
stockman was given a week off, and people shed never seen before kept traipsing in and out of
their house. The routine theyd always known was practically non-existent, and the whole
household was in upheaval. Gabrielle was on autopilot. She did what needed to be done,
navigating the best she could, as though through a thick fog.
After the funeral and gravesite ceremony, friends and relatives gathered at the house.
Somehow she helped set out the food buffet-style on the large kitchen table. She moved as if
submerged in wet cement. It took amazing effort, but she managed to fetch and carry, pour
and serve. Meanwhile she let her mind wander to the comforting memories of better times.
She remembered when Papa had surprised the family with this very table. Papa was a good
carpenter. Hed made the table and the two matching benches and chairs from the big oak tree
the town had cut down on the old property. It was a long time ago Donald wasnt even born
then. After Mama had wiped it clean, theyd had roast pork with brown potatoes, and beans
and carrots from the garden for supper. Apple pie for dessert. Mama baked the best pies...
Fran tapped her on the shoulder, I need more plates. They want to set the desserts out in the
living room.
Gabrielle snapped back to the harshness of the present. What? Oh. Hang on. She reached
into the cupboard for dessert plates. Dividing the stack in half, she went in with Fran to set
them out on a tray.
People dressed in black swirled around her, like in a dark delirium. Meanwhile, George and
Donald chased each other on all fours around the room. Someone had let one of the dogs in.
Surely this meal, the talking, the laughtersurely it was all a nightmare? If it wasnt...Gabrielle
brought her hands up to rub at her face.
Surely, life wouldnt go on as it had before? Not without Mama? It seemed unbelievable that
the world hadnt stopped, even for a fleeting moment, to acknowledge Mamas passing. Why
could no one else see that the entire world had shattered and would never be mended again?
The familiar outlines of her life were fading away, but everyone was acting as though this was
just another family get-together. Especially the grownups. Couldnt they see that nothing was
ever going to be okay again?
They were all acting normal. Just because the funeral was over didnt mean that everyone
should simply forget. She didnt understand. Her heart ached with a hollow, a void that seemed
to grow bigger every day. It was swallowing her from the inside out. Didnt they feel it too?
Gabrielle went around the room picking up dirty plates, oblivious to her surroundings. She was
trying to make sense of something that made no sense.
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28 A Mothers Heart
When you fell and scraped your knee, grownups picked you up and told you, Its nothing. Well
put a Band-Aid on it and youll be fine. But it hurt. They didnt want you to cry, so you had to
get up, dust yourself off and keep going.
Maybe they believed the funeral was like a Band-Aid. That now, they just had to dry their tears
and move on. Somehow, that didnt seem right. She, for one, wasnt going to go along with it.
She was nevergoing to forget Mama.
She came and went, serving and cleaning, glad enough of the distraction from her grief
perhaps she shouldnt judge everyone so harshly. Still.
She stood at the sink washing dishes, when one of the aunts gently took the glass shed just
washed, set it down on the draining board and plucked the tea towel off her shoulder. Here,
Ill do that, Gabrielle.
Someone else pressed her into a chair and handed her a plate of food. Go on sweetie, youneed nourishmentyoure pale as a ghost. And youre asleep on your feet, poor thing.
They were right. She hadnt slept the night before, and shed been up for well over twelve
hours by then. She was in a sleep-deprived, grief-stricken haze.
Gabrielle accepted the plate and walked out onto the porch. She needed air, space. She sat on
the steps and nibbled on a piece of bread. She only managed a few bites. Nothing could get
past the stone growing in her throat today.
It had turned out to be a surprisingly warm afternoon. It struck her that she hadnt noticedearlier, so numbed with grief was she. In fact, the clouds that had threatened all day had finally
dissipated.
The mourners had brought black umbrellas to the cemetery and, collapsed, theyd hung like
sleeping bats from the crook of their arms. Grandma had been right after all. The umbrellas
hadnt been needed. Too bad hers and Fransthe black dresseshadnt worked the same
magic. If they had...if they had, then...
She was suffocating again. She took in great breaths of air, trying to quell the panic rising inside
her, silence the humming in her headthe humming of the funeral lamp that had stood besideMamas coffin. However, as she sat there, the humming, the voices from inside the house, the
noise, the laughter, still reached her, overwhelming her senses. Suddenly she couldnt stand
any more. She set the plate down, removed her apron and made for the hayfield.
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Nicole F. McKnight 29
She began to run. She ran through the slush and snow like the thirteen-year-old child she was,
looking up at the sky and screaming inside her head, Mama! Mama, where are you? Come and
get me. Take me with you, Mama...please!
The treetops flashed past faster and faster. The tears streaming down her cheeks, windswept
from her running, chilled her face. I dont want to go on without you, Mama. I cant do it. I just
cant...
She ran past the outbuildings and the neighbours cornfield. She tore along the row, her braids
flying behind her. Up the road she flew, toward the old farm until, stumbling over a rock, she
pitched forward and landed on her hands and knees. Her hair tumbled across her face, undone,
one ribbon gone, the other in the mud by her hands. She didnt care.
She staggered to her feet, wiped her muddy hands on the tattered black dress and shoved her
hair out of her eyes. Like a hunted animal, she resumed her mad flight. She didnt care that her
shoes were caked with mud, that her wool stockings were drenched. She wanted to run from
the pain, from the condolences, from the desolation she felt. She wanted to run forever. Her
lungs burned, and the muscles in her legs began to cramp, but she kept on going. Perhaps if she
ran long enough shed step back in time and none of this would be happening.
Gabrielle! Gabrielle?
She thought she heard her name echoing on the breeze. She looked up, and through the haze
of her shellshock came a silhouette, opaque against the sun slipping behind the horizon.
Mama? Mama! You came for me!
She tried to get up, but her legs failed her and she fell back against the old elm tree, shivering . I
must look a fright, she thought. Oh my, thatll never do. She plucked a leaf off the front of her
wool sweater. Her dress was soaked through. Oh dear. Her hair was a mess, her stockings torn
and her knees bleeding. Im sorry, Mama.
The next thing she knew, Ross was pulling her to her feet. He covered her with his coat, put his
arm firmly around her shoulders and turned her toward home.
Its going to be alright, Gabrielle. Really. It will.
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CHAPTER 3
Time has a way of moving on. Days turned into weeks, weeks turned into months. It was six
full months before Gabrielle could bring herself to go through her mothers things.
She and Fran decided with grim determination that it was time to sort and organize the last of
their mothers clothes into boxes, which Rose would collect later that day to donate to the
church. The Dames de Sainte-Anne, an organization of women affiliated with the church, would
distribute them to needy families.
It was Saturday, so everyone was out and about, and the house was quiet. The two sisters
worked silently, each lost in her own memories, when suddenly Gabrielle blurted out, You
know when Ross brought me back in from the field the day of the funeral? After the shot Dr.
Letendre gave me and Id rested, I came back downstairs. When I saw what they had donetheaunts, I meanI was so angry. I wanted to storm in and say, Get out! Leave her slippers and
wrap where she had them! And put back the water glass, prayer missal and medicine spoon on
her night table. I wished theyd have left alone the last things Mama touched.
Fran dropped the shawl she was folding, crossed the room to sit beside her sister, and draped
an arm around her.
Gabrielles shoulders drooped. But they She closed her eyes, swallowed, But they moved it
all. Her voice became quiet as trickling water, They even stripped her bed. That was m-my
job. Her chin quivered and tears spilled out. She tried to stay in control, but her voice came outhollow and shaky, And I didnt realize it at the time, but when they came in with their cake
pans, their casseroles and their roasters, they pushed things aside to put out food, and moved
the kettle from the front of the stove where Mama always kept it. It justit wasnt right... She
wiped her nose with the back of her hand.
They meant well, Gabrielle. You know that, dont you?
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Nicole F. McKnight 31
I know they m-meant well, but they shouldnt have done that, Gabrielle answered. They
shouldve waited. She took the tissue that Fran held out to her and blew her nose.
Staring at the sunlight on the windowsill and battling tears, the two shared their grief. It was so
hard still, for all of them, adjusting to Mama being gone. It had been a painful end to a short life
and a huge loss. She had given them so much love, so much wisdom and, through her great
sense of humour, she had set a great example for them on how to live their life to the fullest.
Her death had left a large void and, even though months had gone by, Gabrielle couldnt
imagine what theyd do without her.
In the following year, the flow of life resumed with the business of everyday things giving a
semblance of normality. The children grew. Donald had almost caught up to George in size.
George would be starting school in the fall. Although most children didnt start until the age of
five or six, George, whod be almost four and a half by then, was so advanced largely due to
Gabrielles tutelagethat the school board had assured Gabrielle theyd bend the rule.
Gabrielle tended the house and the store, and tried to teach Donald his letters. Unfortunately,
he wasnt as willing a student as his brother.
It was Monday, washday. Gabrielle loaded the gas-powered washing machine with the whites,
filled it with water from the pump at the kitchen sink, then added soap powder and bleach. She
pressed the pedal and started the machine. While the agitator did its job, she went out to peg
the previous load on the clothesline.
The day was hot and windy. After pegging the clothes, she rammed the stopper into the
clothesline pulley wheel, and decided to go check the mailbox at the end of the lane.
To her surprise, one of the letters was addressed to her. It was from Lionel. With a tickle of
curiosity, she tore open the envelope, unfolded the paper with a snap. Her bottom lip between
her teeth, Gabrielle read his untidy scrawl.
Dear Gabrielle,
How are things in Asbestos? I hope this letter finds you wellthough up to your eyeballs in work
Im sure! I wont pretend to careabout whats going on over there, with the old man and all, but
I do miss everyone.
Were doing okay. Im working at the Kerr-Addison mine and renting a house in the town of
Larder Lake. Look, Ill just get to the point. I want to ask you to come and staywith us. The truth
is, Susans expecting and nearing her time. It would be good for her to have another woman
around, and wed really appreciate your help with the baby. We have a spare bedroom and I
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32 A Mothers Heart
think youd like it here. You could meet new people, people your own age to go out with. Think
about it and let me know.
Sincerely,
Your brother, Lionel.
This was certainly something to consider. She pocketed the letter and kept on walking. As she
passed their elm tree on the old property, many possibilities ran through her head. The
prospect of escaping her fathers arbitrary control, along with the responsibilities thrust upon
her, was very tempting. She had put in an application to work at the overalls factory in town
hoping to rent a room like Lucbut hadnt heard back yet. It didnt take much deliberation to
come to a decision.
So, with a spring in her step that hadnt been there for a very long time, Gabrielle took the long
way home, convincing herself that the world wouldnt end if she were to leave. After all, the
young ones were growing up and Danielle and Sonya were very capable in the house. Fran was
over thirteen and was already second in command. Shed be able to take charge easily.
Gabrielle walked on, lost in her thoughts, keeping to the road instead of crossing the hayfield.
It irked her that everyone seemed to have their life foreordained, while she just seemed to drift
from day to day, taking Papas orders, doing what needed to be done. What about her? Shed
already had to give up her dream of entering the convent. Itd be a relief to succumb to the
appealing live-by-rote routine after having had to grow up so fast. But with Audrey alreadythere, and Danielle entering in the fall to continue her studies, it seemed no longer her destiny.
Besides, with Mama gone, Papa would never agree to spend the money for her education. She
was much too practical at home.
While Luc still helped oversee things here, giving a hand with the haying and checking on things
when he came for Sunday dinner, hed moved to an apartment in Asbestos, worked at the mine
and pursued his own interests in town. She walked on, skirting the outbuildings used for
storage along the property line. Everyone had their plans. Even Papas life had taken an
unexpected turn.
One Saturday morning not long ago, Mrs. James was persuaded to accompany her first
husbands children to the Gregory General Store. Being young adults, they were trying a bit of
matchmaking. Since the passing of their father, they were trying to get their lazy, meddling and
wayward stepmother out from underfoot. It seemed their efforts hadnt been in vain.
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Nicole F. McKnight 33
Quite delighted, shed walked into the store, double-chinned and bosomy, with her skirts
swaying, batting her eyelashes. Pa Joe acknowledged the introductions with his usual curt nod,
and then stood behind the counter with his arms crossed. When Mrs. James started to flirt,
using suggestive language and blinking at triple speed, Pa Joes eyebrows lifted and a corner of
his mouth curved. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other, surveying the scene.
Evidently, she had captured his attention, Gabrielle chuckled, remembering the performance
shed witnessed from the other side of the screen door that Saturday morning.
After that day, Mrs. James often made the half-hour trip from St-Fortuna to buy provisions
from the store. It wasnt long before she went as far as extending a most cordialinvitation
from herselfandher brother Ambrose, of coursewould Joe join them for dinner and a round
of cards on Saturday night.
Hedbeen going over every Saturday night since. It didnt take a genius to figure out what was
going on, there! Who wouldve thought?
With a decisive nod, Gabrielle bounded up the porch steps, more alive than shed felt in years.
With renewed energy, she finished her load of washing, put it through the wringer then back
into the machine for a rinse, and through the wringer again. This final load ready for the
clothesline, she drained the washing-machine basin. Flipping the tap at the bottom, she let the
dirty water run out into a bucket, which she emptied out onto the grass, and repeated the
sequence many times. This done, she stepped out to gather the dry clothes, and peg the last
load.
Only after having peeled the potatoes for supper did she seek out her sistershe wanted to
hug her decision to herself for a while, and savour the sense of freedom it gave her.
Fran was upstairs, putting laundry away in a chest of drawers.
Franc, I have something to show you, Gabrielle called, taking the stairs two at a time.
Busily stacking socks and undershirts, Fran calmly glanced at Gabrielle over her shoulder. She
took the time to arrange the clothes in the drawer before answering.
It seemed to Gabrielle that Fran was the more grownup one these days. Shed begun todevelopvisibly surpassing Gabrielleand to attract the attention of one Paul Charles. Paul
delivered the newspapers to the store a couple times a week, and Fran had had a crush on him
for months.
Come on, Franc! Leave that for a minute, look!
Take it easy, girl, youre going to hyperventilate! Whats up? Fran enquired on a laugh.
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34 A Mothers Heart
Ive got a letter from Lionel. Susans expecting and wants me to help when the baby comes.
They want me to come to Ontario and live with them! Gabrielle announced, full of enthusiasm.
They have a room for me and everything, read! She thrust the letter at her sister, and
bounced on her toes while Fran scanned Lionels chicken scratch.
Wo