8/6/2019 Lexeme Relay
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Lexeme Relay
(A Word Race Parody}
Marnie Kanarek
Characters
TYLER: male, late teens; judge of Word Race
MARNIE: female, late 20's; wife of Gray
GRAY: male, late 20s; husband of Marnie
HEATHER: female, early 20s
LUCY: female, mid-late teens
LILLIAN: female of indeterminate age
JILLIAN: female, mid-late teens
AERIA: female, early-mid 40s
ANDREW: male, early 20s
THOMAS: male, early 20s
KATIE: female, early 20s, eliminated contestant
CODY: male, early 20s, eliminated contestant
KEVIN: male, early 30s, creator of AllPoetry
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SCENE 1
(The lights come up on a set of 11
chairs, 10 of them filled. The 11th
has
a sign that says peace to all, bitches
Johanna. Each person is staring
straight forward to simulate the lack
of personal interaction on the
internet.)
(A spotlight falls on TYLER, and he stands.)
TYLER
Members of Word Race... you have a new challenge. Now, I had
something really amazing planned, but due to the fact that Kevin
has "upgraded" AllPoetry again to include invisible fonts,
vanishing poetry, a random porn generator, and a lava lamp, I
decided to change it up.
(All the other contestants roll their eyes except CODY,
who randomly gets up and walks off stage right.)
TYLER
You have two options. Option One: a word bank poem. It must be
free-verse, 59 words exactly. The word bank is: Pickle, Smut,
Bayreuth, Mustache, Chimpanzee, and Tightrope Walker. Option
Two: A sonnet that has no rhyme and no meter, and is exactly 10
lines long. And it must be an Acrostic. I will provide you
with the word that you must base your acrostic on. The word is
IMBECILE. I am looking for something deep here, so don't holdback anything. I want to feel your tears through my computer
screen, I want you to cry your poetry onto your keyboard, feel
the damp plastic as you type through your throbbing heartache...
I want fucking emotion, people!
(TYLER is getting heated. He pulls off his shirt and
starts jogging in place. HEATHER looks over
appreciatively and wiggles her eyebrows suggestively.
LILLIAN leans over and smacks her arm.)
LILLIAN
Stop breaking the fourth wall! We are supposed to be on theinternet! You can't see Ty's incredible abs on the internet!
(HEATHER sticks out her tongue at LILLIAN, and faces
forward again, pouting. LILLIAN shoots a furtive
glance over at TYLER, who is standing there, arms
crossed, tapping his foot impatiently.)
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TYLER
Are we done with the peep show?
(LIILAN nods, looking guilty. HEATHER scowls
defiantly.)
TYLERGood. Moving on. So this is a collaboration round. These are
your pre-assigned groups: Group 1: Gray, Marnie, Lucy, and
Jillian. Group 2. Heather, Lillian, Thomas, and Andrew. Group
3. Aeria. That's it, everybody... Now go write!
(TYLER claps his hands briskly, then strides over to
his shirt which is lying abandoned on the floor. He
picks it up and wipes his face with it. After a
moment's hesitation, he chucks the shirt in HEATHERS
direction. She leaps up and grabs it to her,
shrieking. Everyone else rolls their eyes.)
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SCENE 2
(AERIA is alone on stage, pacing back
and forth. She is wearing a tunic with
a lace frill and has a feather quill
and parchment roll in her hand.)
AERIA
To be or not to be...
(She shakes her head, muttering.)
No, too obvious. Lets see. Aha!
(With a flick of her quill she does a twirl and then
stands in the middle of the stage. After a moment, she
looks up above her and puts her hands on her hips.
Suddenly, a spotlight goes on.)
Much better. Ahem. I shall entitle this "Bleeding Hearts":
Bleeding hearts are bleeding bleeding bleeding
they ooze atop my keyboard's shiny face
I wish that neighbor Joe would stop the weeding
and gently touch his hoe upon my place.
I want to kill the rabbits in my yard
they hop around like little cotton whores
the weeds grow tall and strong like stone so hard
to crush the little bunnies more and more.
the pain of sunlight jabs inside my eyes
depleting all my blood into the sink
the kitchen sink the sink of hell and lies
and death that fills with demons, blood and ink.
I wish for one more sip of passion's soup
I am the best damn rhymer in this group.
(Looking pleased with herself, she bows with a
flourish.)
Take THAT, Word Race!
(She strides purposefully offstage.)
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SCENE 3
(The lights come up on HEATHER,
LILLIAN, and THOMAS, arguing.)
HEATHER
I think we should wait for Andrew.
THOMAS
We have been waiting for two days. If we don't start working on
our poem soon, we won't finish in time.
LILLIAN
I think we should get to work. Andrew can catch up later.
HEATHER
Look, Ill just go look for him.
(HEATHER stands up and starts to walk offstage.)
LILLIAN
Heather! You cant do that!
(HEATHER stops, looking confused.)
HEATHER
Why not?
LILLIAN
We are supposed to be on the internet, remember?
HEATHER...Whats your point?
(LILLIAN looks exasperated.)
LILLIAN
You can't just "go and look for someone" in the jungles of
cyberspace! Look, we'll send him a message.
(THOMAS stands up.)
THOMAS
Ill do it.
(He clears his throat loudly, and cups his hands around
his mouth to amplify his voice.)
THOMAS
Andrew, we are working on our poem for Word Race! Where are
you??
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(THOMAS sits back down. HEATHER shakes her head.)
HEATHER
This is so ridiculous.
LILLIAN
OK, now that thats out of the way, lets get to work. Illstart.
(All three stand in a line, staring out at the
audience. Each time one speaks, a spotlight
illuminates them.)
LILLIAN
The Pickle and the Tightrope Walker.
The pickle and the tightrope walker
were metaphorically smutty.
HEATHER
They grew brown mustaches
LILLIAN
Not brown, sexy. Sexy is better.
(Heather rolls her eyes.)
HEATHER
They grew SEXY mustaches and braided
them together as a sign of their love,
and spoke often about seeing the world.
THOMAS
The pickle was German, and he said
that Bayreuth was a flower filled with salty
desires.
LILLIAN
The tightrope walker disagreed,
as did the chimpanzee,
HEATHER & THOMAS (in unison)
so they ate the pickle!
(HEATHER and THOMAS high five. LILLIAN looks at them
like they are crazy.)
LILLIAN
You are breaking the fourth wall again... don't you guys
understand anything??
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SCENE 4
(LUCY and JILLIAN are standing alone in
the middle of the stage. Every few
seconds JILLIAN checks her watch.)
JILLIANWhere are they?
LUCY
No idea. Should we get started?
(GRAY and MARNIE stumble out from stage left. MARNIES
hair is a mess and Gray is zipping up his jeans.)
GRAY
Erm... hi, guys! Sorry we were late... we were... uh...
MARNIEPutting the baby to bed.
GRAY
Right! Putting the baby to bed. Totally.
(JILLIAN looks unconvinced. GRAY puts on a big geeky
smile.)
GRAY
So... a collaboration poem, eh? Lets get to it!
LUCY
Alright, I have been thinking about this a lot, and I think it
would be a good idea to do the 'sonnet' option.
MARNIE
OK, well, I noticed some issues with the prompt. For example,
it's not a sonnet at all. That might prove to be difficult.
GRAY
True. Also, it has to be a 10-line acrostic using the word
imbecile.
MARNIE
And imbecile is only eight letters.
JILLIAN
Well... those arent impossible hurdles, are they? Lets just
do the first eight lines, and then go from there, shall we?
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GRAY
Alright. Ill go first.
I feel the deepness of the rain
My pain is really friggin deep,
MARNIEBut in my deepest heart
Everyone hates me more than I do.
LUCY
Cant you see?
I am crying, crying, crying.
JILLIAN
Lost in this stupid fucking world,
Entire countries hate me.
LUCYWell, thats eight lines. Now what about the last two?
(LUCY exchanges a worried look with JILLIAN.)
GRAY
Dont fret. Well figure something out.
JILLIAN
Ive got it! Lets just start the last two lines with
exclamation points!
GRAYBrilliant!
! These exclamation points provide a counterpoint
! to the angst-ridden drivel of this shitty poem.
LUCY
I love it! You are so clever, Gray.
(GRAY blushes, grinning like an idiot.)
MARNIE
Look, Lucy, I know we are on the internet and all. But keep
your claws off my husband or I will send you a really strongly-
worded AP message...got it?
(LUCY looks embarrassed and starts to tear up.)
LUCY
Um... yeah. Sure. Sorry.
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(LUCY runs off the stage, weeping. Marnie grabs Gray's
hand, and drags him off in the other direction, still
grinning. Jillian shrugs.)
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SCENE 5
(TYLER is throwing around pieces of
paper and muttering.)
TYLER
Ok, well, I guess we should get on with the judging. I willmake sure to make it painfully long and boring, just like your
poems.
(He clears his throat loudly.)
TYLER
Alright, I will start with you, Aeria. Even though you had the
most difficult people in your group to work with, you did win
the last round, so you should have rocked it! But your meter
was far too metric, and you did end-line rhymes, even though I
specifically told you not to. If that wasn't enough, you
ignored the acrostic completely and instead, did some crazy form
with 14 lineswhatever that was.
(He pauses, making a shes crazy gesture. Meanwhile,
AERIA is sitting in her seat, quietly fuming. TYLER is
clearly unaware of this.)
TYLER
Technique aside, I did like some of your emotion, but really, it
felt a little too "happy" for me. I mean... bunnies? Bunnies
are the universal symbol of joy and love. I wanted angst! I
wanted fire!
(AERIA jumps up, unable to stand it anymore. She
points a finger at TYLER, voice shaking with anger.)
AERIA
You know NOTHING about sonnets! You weren't even ALIVE when
Shakespeare was. I could be upside down on my head, in a pool,
naked and drunk and still write better form poetry than all of
you!
(GRAY and THOMAS jump up and grab AERIAS arms to keep
her from lunging at TYLER. HEATHER is giggling, and
LILLIAN looks annoyed.)
LILLIAN
Doesnt anyone know what a fourth wall is??
(KATIE runs in from stage left with a shot glass and a
bottle of vodka.)
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KATIE
Here, Aeria, to feel better make you drank good this plez.
(AERIA stops struggling and looks at KATIE with a
confused expression.)
AERIA...What?
(KATIE sighs and speaks very slowly.)
KATIE
Sorry... phone sucks... drink this.
(AERIA takes the shot glass, fills it, and knocks it
back. She then gives the glass and bottle back to
KATIE.)
AERIAThanks, I needed that.
(KATIE gives a little curtsey and runs back off-stage.
AERIA stands there for a second before shrugging the
two boys off of her, and gives TYLER a sheepish look.)
AERIA
Sorry, Tyler. I just got a little excited. I'm OK now.
(TYLER raises his eyebrows. AERIA slowly sits back
down, and TYLER sighs.)
TYLER
I think we should move on to the next entry. The next group was
Marnie, Gray, Jillian and Lucy. While you did adhere to the
rules of the prompt, I felt like it was lacking in some way -
I'm not sure it really felt "sonnet" enough for me. Plus, Katie
told me earlier that the spell check on her phone said that
imbecile is spelled i-m-b-e-e-c-i-l-w-e. Which is 10 letters.
But, it wasn't too horrendous. I probably would have liked a
little more cursing though.
(GRAY stands up, looking annoyed.)
GRAY
Look, Tyler, I don't like the way you are judging this round.
Or any of the rounds for that matter. I am going to stand up
for everyone and bitch about the things that bother me because I
am super dramatic.
(GRAY starts waving his arms around emphatically.)
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GRAY
I am an astrophysicist. That means that I am a genius and am
always right. As a gesture of how seriously dramatic I am, I am
going to pretend to quit right now.
(GRAY starts starts to walk off-stage. Everyone else
looks stunned.)
MARNIE
Gray, you should come back.
(GRAY stops, looking confused for a second.)
GRAY
I should?
MARNIE
Yes. Go sit down.
GRAY
Oh. OK.
(GRAY sits back down, and MARNIE pats him on the head.)
MARNIE
Sorry Tyler, go on.
(TYLER rubs his face with his hands and sighs.)
TYLER
You know... you guys are a lot more annoying than my X-Factor
Contestants.
(LUCY starts to cry. HEATHER gets up and goes over to
her.)
HEATHER
Its OK, Lucy. Tyler wasnt talking about you. He was talking
about Gray.
(GRAY looks indignant, and starts to stand up again.
MARNIE places a firm hand on his shoulder, restraining
him. LILLIAN looks over at HEATHER.)
LILLIAN
Heather, you aren't supposed to go over to... you know what?
Never mind.
(HEATHER just shrugs, gives LUCY a hug and walks back
over to her seat.)
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TYLER
Can we finish this, please? I have a Lady Gaga concert to make
tonight!
(Everyone nods, abashed.)
TYLEROK. The last group is Heather, Lillian, Thomas and Andrew. But
I have been told that Andrew never showed up. That means that
unless he comes to me with a really good reason, he will be
eliminated this round. So, to the three of you that did do the
work, I thought it was really excellent. Original and abstract,
but really concrete. My favorite line was the one about the
sexy mustaches. Fantastic imagery!
(LILLIAN looks smug.)
LILLIAN
Yes, Tyler, I thought that section was full of creative nuance.
(HEATHER starts to look disgruntled.)
TYLER
But, while your poem was easily the best, I have decided to only
award you the silver trophy.
(LILLIAN is offended.)
LILLIAN
Why? If its the best, why wouldnt we get gold?
(TYLER stands up, pulls a crown out from under his
chair and puts it on his own head.)
TYLER
Because I deserve gold!
(There is stunned silence all around.)
THOMAS
But... Ty... you arent competing? How can you win gold?
TYLER
After putting up with you guys, I think I more than deserve it.
(TYLER bows dramatically and then strides purposefully
off stage. Everyone is left looking confused. LUCY
bursts into tears again. LIILIAN stands up and starts
kicking down chairs, yelling at everyone.)
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LILLIAN
I will not stand for this! This is an outrage! This is a
travesty... this is
(HEATHER stands up calmly and goes over to LILLIAN.)
HEATHERLillian.
(LILLIAN gets right in HEATHERs face.)
LILLIAN
What the hell do YOU want!?
HEATHER
You are breaking the fourth wall.
(The lights go out.)
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SCENE 6 (Epilogue)
(Stage is empty. After a few seconds,
ANDREW runs on from stage right, out of
breath and a little annoyed.)
ANDREWHey, guys, I'm so sorry I'm late! This fucking upgrade has
given me nothing but problems and I got so lost that I guys?
(ANDREW looks around confused.)
ANDREW
Where is everybody?
(At this point, KEVIN walks on stage, carrying an open
laptop. He is looking at the screen and muttering to
himself, oblivious of ANDREWs presence. ANDREW looks
at him quizzically.)
ANDREW
Uh... who are you?
(KEVIN pays no attention to ANDREW, instead focusing on
pressing buttons on his keyboard.)
KEVIN
Aaaaand, that should do it!
(KEVIN jabs a button forcefully.)
KEVIN
AllPoetry... Deleted!
ANDREW
Wait, man, what are you doing!? You can't just delete us like
that! Who do you think you
(The lights go out.)
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