Lexeme Relay

8/6/2019 Lexeme Relay

1/15

Lexeme Relay

(A Word Race Parody}

Marnie Kanarek

Characters

TYLER: male, late teens; judge of Word Race

MARNIE: female, late 20's; wife of Gray

GRAY: male, late 20s; husband of Marnie

HEATHER: female, early 20s

LUCY: female, mid-late teens

LILLIAN: female of indeterminate age

JILLIAN: female, mid-late teens

AERIA: female, early-mid 40s

ANDREW: male, early 20s

THOMAS: male, early 20s

KATIE: female, early 20s, eliminated contestant

CODY: male, early 20s, eliminated contestant

KEVIN: male, early 30s, creator of AllPoetry


2/15

SCENE 1

(The lights come up on a set of 11

chairs, 10 of them filled. The 11th

has

a sign that says peace to all, bitches

Johanna. Each person is staring

straight forward to simulate the lack

of personal interaction on the

internet.)

(A spotlight falls on TYLER, and he stands.)

TYLER

Members of Word Race... you have a new challenge. Now, I had

something really amazing planned, but due to the fact that Kevin

has "upgraded" AllPoetry again to include invisible fonts,

vanishing poetry, a random porn generator, and a lava lamp, I

decided to change it up.

(All the other contestants roll their eyes except CODY,

who randomly gets up and walks off stage right.)

TYLER

You have two options. Option One: a word bank poem. It must be

free-verse, 59 words exactly. The word bank is: Pickle, Smut,

Bayreuth, Mustache, Chimpanzee, and Tightrope Walker. Option

Two: A sonnet that has no rhyme and no meter, and is exactly 10

lines long. And it must be an Acrostic. I will provide you

with the word that you must base your acrostic on. The word is

IMBECILE. I am looking for something deep here, so don't holdback anything. I want to feel your tears through my computer

screen, I want you to cry your poetry onto your keyboard, feel

the damp plastic as you type through your throbbing heartache...

I want fucking emotion, people!

(TYLER is getting heated. He pulls off his shirt and

starts jogging in place. HEATHER looks over

appreciatively and wiggles her eyebrows suggestively.

LILLIAN leans over and smacks her arm.)

LILLIAN

Stop breaking the fourth wall! We are supposed to be on theinternet! You can't see Ty's incredible abs on the internet!

(HEATHER sticks out her tongue at LILLIAN, and faces

forward again, pouting. LILLIAN shoots a furtive

glance over at TYLER, who is standing there, arms

crossed, tapping his foot impatiently.)


3/15

TYLER

Are we done with the peep show?

(LIILAN nods, looking guilty. HEATHER scowls

defiantly.)

TYLERGood. Moving on. So this is a collaboration round. These are

your pre-assigned groups: Group 1: Gray, Marnie, Lucy, and

Jillian. Group 2. Heather, Lillian, Thomas, and Andrew. Group

3. Aeria. That's it, everybody... Now go write!

(TYLER claps his hands briskly, then strides over to

his shirt which is lying abandoned on the floor. He

picks it up and wipes his face with it. After a

moment's hesitation, he chucks the shirt in HEATHERS

direction. She leaps up and grabs it to her,

shrieking. Everyone else rolls their eyes.)


4/15

SCENE 2

(AERIA is alone on stage, pacing back

and forth. She is wearing a tunic with

a lace frill and has a feather quill

and parchment roll in her hand.)

AERIA

To be or not to be...

(She shakes her head, muttering.)

No, too obvious. Lets see. Aha!

(With a flick of her quill she does a twirl and then

stands in the middle of the stage. After a moment, she

looks up above her and puts her hands on her hips.

Suddenly, a spotlight goes on.)

Much better. Ahem. I shall entitle this "Bleeding Hearts":

Bleeding hearts are bleeding bleeding bleeding

they ooze atop my keyboard's shiny face

I wish that neighbor Joe would stop the weeding

and gently touch his hoe upon my place.

I want to kill the rabbits in my yard

they hop around like little cotton whores

the weeds grow tall and strong like stone so hard

to crush the little bunnies more and more.

the pain of sunlight jabs inside my eyes

depleting all my blood into the sink

the kitchen sink the sink of hell and lies

and death that fills with demons, blood and ink.

I wish for one more sip of passion's soup

I am the best damn rhymer in this group.

(Looking pleased with herself, she bows with a

flourish.)

Take THAT, Word Race!

(She strides purposefully offstage.)


5/15

SCENE 3

(The lights come up on HEATHER,

LILLIAN, and THOMAS, arguing.)

HEATHER

I think we should wait for Andrew.

THOMAS

We have been waiting for two days. If we don't start working on

our poem soon, we won't finish in time.

LILLIAN

I think we should get to work. Andrew can catch up later.

HEATHER

Look, Ill just go look for him.

(HEATHER stands up and starts to walk offstage.)

LILLIAN

Heather! You cant do that!

(HEATHER stops, looking confused.)

HEATHER

Why not?

LILLIAN

We are supposed to be on the internet, remember?

HEATHER...Whats your point?

(LILLIAN looks exasperated.)

LILLIAN

You can't just "go and look for someone" in the jungles of

cyberspace! Look, we'll send him a message.

(THOMAS stands up.)

THOMAS

Ill do it.

(He clears his throat loudly, and cups his hands around

his mouth to amplify his voice.)

THOMAS

Andrew, we are working on our poem for Word Race! Where are

you??


6/15

(THOMAS sits back down. HEATHER shakes her head.)

HEATHER

This is so ridiculous.

LILLIAN

OK, now that thats out of the way, lets get to work. Illstart.

(All three stand in a line, staring out at the

audience. Each time one speaks, a spotlight

illuminates them.)

LILLIAN

The Pickle and the Tightrope Walker.

The pickle and the tightrope walker

were metaphorically smutty.

HEATHER

They grew brown mustaches

LILLIAN

Not brown, sexy. Sexy is better.

(Heather rolls her eyes.)

HEATHER

They grew SEXY mustaches and braided

them together as a sign of their love,

and spoke often about seeing the world.

THOMAS

The pickle was German, and he said

that Bayreuth was a flower filled with salty

desires.

LILLIAN

The tightrope walker disagreed,

as did the chimpanzee,

HEATHER & THOMAS (in unison)

so they ate the pickle!

(HEATHER and THOMAS high five. LILLIAN looks at them

like they are crazy.)

LILLIAN

You are breaking the fourth wall again... don't you guys

understand anything??


7/15

SCENE 4

(LUCY and JILLIAN are standing alone in

the middle of the stage. Every few

seconds JILLIAN checks her watch.)

JILLIANWhere are they?

LUCY

No idea. Should we get started?

(GRAY and MARNIE stumble out from stage left. MARNIES

hair is a mess and Gray is zipping up his jeans.)

GRAY

Erm... hi, guys! Sorry we were late... we were... uh...

MARNIEPutting the baby to bed.

GRAY

Right! Putting the baby to bed. Totally.

(JILLIAN looks unconvinced. GRAY puts on a big geeky

smile.)

GRAY

So... a collaboration poem, eh? Lets get to it!

LUCY

Alright, I have been thinking about this a lot, and I think it

would be a good idea to do the 'sonnet' option.

MARNIE

OK, well, I noticed some issues with the prompt. For example,

it's not a sonnet at all. That might prove to be difficult.

GRAY

True. Also, it has to be a 10-line acrostic using the word

imbecile.

MARNIE

And imbecile is only eight letters.

JILLIAN

Well... those arent impossible hurdles, are they? Lets just

do the first eight lines, and then go from there, shall we?


8/15

GRAY

Alright. Ill go first.

I feel the deepness of the rain

My pain is really friggin deep,

MARNIEBut in my deepest heart

Everyone hates me more than I do.

LUCY

Cant you see?

I am crying, crying, crying.

JILLIAN

Lost in this stupid fucking world,

Entire countries hate me.

LUCYWell, thats eight lines. Now what about the last two?

(LUCY exchanges a worried look with JILLIAN.)

GRAY

Dont fret. Well figure something out.

JILLIAN

Ive got it! Lets just start the last two lines with

exclamation points!

GRAYBrilliant!

! These exclamation points provide a counterpoint

! to the angst-ridden drivel of this shitty poem.

LUCY

I love it! You are so clever, Gray.

(GRAY blushes, grinning like an idiot.)

MARNIE

Look, Lucy, I know we are on the internet and all. But keep

your claws off my husband or I will send you a really strongly-

worded AP message...got it?

(LUCY looks embarrassed and starts to tear up.)

LUCY

Um... yeah. Sure. Sorry.


9/15

(LUCY runs off the stage, weeping. Marnie grabs Gray's

hand, and drags him off in the other direction, still

grinning. Jillian shrugs.)


10/15

SCENE 5

(TYLER is throwing around pieces of

paper and muttering.)

TYLER

Ok, well, I guess we should get on with the judging. I willmake sure to make it painfully long and boring, just like your

poems.

(He clears his throat loudly.)

TYLER

Alright, I will start with you, Aeria. Even though you had the

most difficult people in your group to work with, you did win

the last round, so you should have rocked it! But your meter

was far too metric, and you did end-line rhymes, even though I

specifically told you not to. If that wasn't enough, you

ignored the acrostic completely and instead, did some crazy form

with 14 lineswhatever that was.

(He pauses, making a shes crazy gesture. Meanwhile,

AERIA is sitting in her seat, quietly fuming. TYLER is

clearly unaware of this.)

TYLER

Technique aside, I did like some of your emotion, but really, it

felt a little too "happy" for me. I mean... bunnies? Bunnies

are the universal symbol of joy and love. I wanted angst! I

wanted fire!

(AERIA jumps up, unable to stand it anymore. She

points a finger at TYLER, voice shaking with anger.)

AERIA

You know NOTHING about sonnets! You weren't even ALIVE when

Shakespeare was. I could be upside down on my head, in a pool,

naked and drunk and still write better form poetry than all of

you!

(GRAY and THOMAS jump up and grab AERIAS arms to keep

her from lunging at TYLER. HEATHER is giggling, and

LILLIAN looks annoyed.)

LILLIAN

Doesnt anyone know what a fourth wall is??

(KATIE runs in from stage left with a shot glass and a

bottle of vodka.)


11/15

KATIE

Here, Aeria, to feel better make you drank good this plez.

(AERIA stops struggling and looks at KATIE with a

confused expression.)

AERIA...What?

(KATIE sighs and speaks very slowly.)

KATIE

Sorry... phone sucks... drink this.

(AERIA takes the shot glass, fills it, and knocks it

back. She then gives the glass and bottle back to

KATIE.)

AERIAThanks, I needed that.

(KATIE gives a little curtsey and runs back off-stage.

AERIA stands there for a second before shrugging the

two boys off of her, and gives TYLER a sheepish look.)

AERIA

Sorry, Tyler. I just got a little excited. I'm OK now.

(TYLER raises his eyebrows. AERIA slowly sits back

down, and TYLER sighs.)

TYLER

I think we should move on to the next entry. The next group was

Marnie, Gray, Jillian and Lucy. While you did adhere to the

rules of the prompt, I felt like it was lacking in some way -

I'm not sure it really felt "sonnet" enough for me. Plus, Katie

told me earlier that the spell check on her phone said that

imbecile is spelled i-m-b-e-e-c-i-l-w-e. Which is 10 letters.

But, it wasn't too horrendous. I probably would have liked a

little more cursing though.

(GRAY stands up, looking annoyed.)

GRAY

Look, Tyler, I don't like the way you are judging this round.

Or any of the rounds for that matter. I am going to stand up

for everyone and bitch about the things that bother me because I

am super dramatic.

(GRAY starts waving his arms around emphatically.)


12/15

GRAY

I am an astrophysicist. That means that I am a genius and am

always right. As a gesture of how seriously dramatic I am, I am

going to pretend to quit right now.

(GRAY starts starts to walk off-stage. Everyone else

looks stunned.)

MARNIE

Gray, you should come back.

(GRAY stops, looking confused for a second.)

GRAY

I should?

MARNIE

Yes. Go sit down.

GRAY

Oh. OK.

(GRAY sits back down, and MARNIE pats him on the head.)

MARNIE

Sorry Tyler, go on.

(TYLER rubs his face with his hands and sighs.)

TYLER

You know... you guys are a lot more annoying than my X-Factor

Contestants.

(LUCY starts to cry. HEATHER gets up and goes over to

her.)

HEATHER

Its OK, Lucy. Tyler wasnt talking about you. He was talking

about Gray.

(GRAY looks indignant, and starts to stand up again.

MARNIE places a firm hand on his shoulder, restraining

him. LILLIAN looks over at HEATHER.)

LILLIAN

Heather, you aren't supposed to go over to... you know what?

Never mind.

(HEATHER just shrugs, gives LUCY a hug and walks back

over to her seat.)


13/15

TYLER

Can we finish this, please? I have a Lady Gaga concert to make

tonight!

(Everyone nods, abashed.)

TYLEROK. The last group is Heather, Lillian, Thomas and Andrew. But

I have been told that Andrew never showed up. That means that

unless he comes to me with a really good reason, he will be

eliminated this round. So, to the three of you that did do the

work, I thought it was really excellent. Original and abstract,

but really concrete. My favorite line was the one about the

sexy mustaches. Fantastic imagery!

(LILLIAN looks smug.)

LILLIAN

Yes, Tyler, I thought that section was full of creative nuance.

(HEATHER starts to look disgruntled.)

TYLER

But, while your poem was easily the best, I have decided to only

award you the silver trophy.

(LILLIAN is offended.)

LILLIAN

Why? If its the best, why wouldnt we get gold?

(TYLER stands up, pulls a crown out from under his

chair and puts it on his own head.)

TYLER

Because I deserve gold!

(There is stunned silence all around.)

THOMAS

But... Ty... you arent competing? How can you win gold?

TYLER

After putting up with you guys, I think I more than deserve it.

(TYLER bows dramatically and then strides purposefully

off stage. Everyone is left looking confused. LUCY

bursts into tears again. LIILIAN stands up and starts

kicking down chairs, yelling at everyone.)


14/15

LILLIAN

I will not stand for this! This is an outrage! This is a

travesty... this is

(HEATHER stands up calmly and goes over to LILLIAN.)

HEATHERLillian.

(LILLIAN gets right in HEATHERs face.)

LILLIAN

What the hell do YOU want!?

HEATHER

You are breaking the fourth wall.

(The lights go out.)


15/15

SCENE 6 (Epilogue)

(Stage is empty. After a few seconds,

ANDREW runs on from stage right, out of

breath and a little annoyed.)

ANDREWHey, guys, I'm so sorry I'm late! This fucking upgrade has

given me nothing but problems and I got so lost that I guys?

(ANDREW looks around confused.)

ANDREW

Where is everybody?

(At this point, KEVIN walks on stage, carrying an open

laptop. He is looking at the screen and muttering to

himself, oblivious of ANDREWs presence. ANDREW looks

at him quizzically.)

ANDREW

Uh... who are you?

(KEVIN pays no attention to ANDREW, instead focusing on

pressing buttons on his keyboard.)

KEVIN

Aaaaand, that should do it!

(KEVIN jabs a button forcefully.)

KEVIN

AllPoetry... Deleted!

ANDREW

Wait, man, what are you doing!? You can't just delete us like

that! Who do you think you

(The lights go out.)

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