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Solomon 1
EricSolomon
ProfessorGoldberg
FinalWriting
GoodWords:AMindisForgetting
Memoryrevealsitselfthroughimagination.-JosephRoach
Theyaremydocuments.IkeepwatchoverthemToreminisceandwoolgatherisnegative.Youhave
todifferentiatebetweenmemories.Areyougoingtothemoraretheycomingtoyou?
Ifyouaregoingtothem,youarewastingtime.Nostalgiaisnotproductive.
Iftheycometoyou,theyareseedforsculpture.
-LouiseBourgeois
Thewoodcreaksbeneathmyweight.Aroundtable,fourchairscrackedand
rickety.IhavebeentoldthistableandchairscrossedtheAtlanticonaboatfrom
Germany.Itbelongedtomygrandmotherbeforeitbelongedtomeandbeforeheritwashermothersandsoonuntil,atsomepoint,theBlackForestpinewassevered
fromtheGermanearthandcarpentersworkedtoperfecttheroundshapedtop
beforefixingittothepedestalbasewithbracketsandnailsnowlongrusted.
Thisessayfallsinmediasres,inthemiddleofthings,whileIsitatmy
grandmotherstable.TheparticularthingIamininthemiddleofiswhatsome
mightcallgrief,othersmourning,andsomeevenmelancholia.Beinginthemiddle,I
amnotsurewhatIwouldcallit.ThisisastoryIhavebeencirclingforaverylong
time(warning:thisisgoingtobepersonal,andperhaps,sentimental).The
memoriesflood.(Andoftendonotcohere).
Thefuneralprogramsayswitness.Iamwitness.Iamtodelivertheeulogy,
goodwordsinherhonor.1
Butfirst,Imusttrytoremember(letthememoriescometome).AnnetteKuhnwritesinFamilySecrets:ActsofMemoryand
Imagination,Memoryworkhasagreatdealincommonwithformsofinquirywhich
involveworkingbackwardssearchingforclues,decipheringsignsandtraces,
makingdeductions,patchingtogetherreconstructionsoutoffragmentsofevidence(4).Butasmuchasmemoryworkislikeadetectivenovel,itisalso
indeterminablemystery,ateveryturn,asfurtherquestionsareraised,thereisalwayssomethingelsetolookinto(6).Mymemory-workinthisessaywill
inevitablybeaformofforgettingjustasmuchasitisanattemptto(re)member.It
willbemoremysterythandetection.Evenstill,asKuhntellsus,memoryworkisa
methodandapracticeofunearthingandmakingpublicuntoldstories(9).Assuch,
thisisbutoneuntoldprivatestorythatIwill(re)tell(asbestasIamable).Thefacts:hernamewasMarthaAbel-Solomon.HerparentswereWalter
HeinrichAbelandMaryDouglasPrice.Shewasaschoolteacher.ShewasMethodist.
HergrandfatherwasaGermanJewishdoctorwithblonde,curlyhairandblueeyes.
Nooneinourfamilyrememberswhenconversionoccurred.ShemarriedE.L.
Solomon,mygrandfather(Papaw),onAugust18,1951.Theyweremarriedfor
1Eulogy(etymology):eulogia,ClassicalGreekforgoodwords,blessing(OED).
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overfiftyyears,livedinCleveland,Mississippi,andproducedtwochildren,oneof
whomismyfather,Walter.TheyweremarrieduntilE.L.sdeathinFebruary2006.
WhenMarthadiedonSeptember27,2011,shehadlivedonlyonedaymoreinthe
numberoftotaldaysthanherhusband:Helivedatotalof28,348days;shelived
28,349.(Mybrother-in-lawfiguredthisoutatthecemetery,probablyoutof
boredom).E.L.wasborninMay1927;MarthawasborninJanuary1933.TheroughlyfiveyearsE.L.spentwithoutMarthabeforeshewasborn,Marthaspent
withouthimafterhisdeath.(Thissoundssentimental,butsometimesfactsrefuse
anyotherrhetoric).
WegrandchildrencalledherMeme,andthesobriquetfit.(She,ofcourse,chosethespelling).Shecouldbeanextremelyselfishandsuperficialwoman,
seldomwithoutherstringofpearlsandChanelNo.5.ShewasaSouthernbelle:memberoftherosesocietyandallthatjazz.Perhapsbecauseofhereccentricities
andover-the-topappearance,sheandI,ayoungqueerkid,alwayshadanintimate,
strange,andcatty(becausenootherwordwillsuffice)understandingofeachother.Iwillneverforgetthefollowingstatementfromher:You(meaningme)think
yourecutebutyourenot.Soundsharsh,butthatwasus.IresembledhergrandfatherwhenIhadmorehairthanIdonowandbeforehatswereapartofmy
dailywardrobe(moreonthislater).MemeandIare(were)theonlyonesinour
familywithblueeyes.(Anunclehasblueeyes,butthatstheothersideofthe
family).
Inmyhandswasplacedtheeulogy.Remember.
Afterherdeath,wefoundtheletters.Twoofthem,writtenaround1951,the
yearofhermarriagetoE.L.(Weretheremore?)Theselettersarebuttwoexamples
oftheepicromancenarrativethathasbecomesomethingofmythinourfamily.
(Seeimagesfollowing).Thestoryoftheirmeetingissimple:E.L.wasachildhood
friendofMarthasbrother,Claude.WakingupClaudeonemorning,Marthawas
surprisedwhenshepulledonherbrothersfootandthefootbelongedtoanothermansleg.ThiswasE.L.,allsix-foot-twoofhim.
Theircourtshipwaslengthy.MembersoftheGreatestGeneration,World
WarIIinterruptedthings.E.L.,orPlutoasfriendsknewhim,joinedthearmyinquicksuccessionafterhiselderbrothers,J.M.andBilly.E.L.joinedlate.WhenJ.M.
waskilledinEurope,Billyseverelywoundedandthoughtdead(thetrainhewasconductingderailed,leavinghimwithoutmostofaskullandanexposedbrain),E.L.
wascalledhome(alaSavingPrivateRyan)tobewithhiswidowedmother(and,of
course,Martha).
AndthisbringustothestorythatIhavebeenretellingforseveralyears,
nevergettingitright,neverfeelingsatisfiedwithwhatseemslikeatooperfect,too
romanticlovestory:Panama.Ihavewrittenaboutitinseveralforms.First,thebadpoem:
Panama
Heclimbedtelephonepoles
foraliving;sheworeChanelNo5.
Hewouldturnoffhishearingaid
towatchByeByeBirdie;shewouldhum
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HowLovelytobeaWoman.
Ashedied,mymotherfedhim
icecubeswhenheforgothowtoswallow,
cuppedhispenistochangehiscatheter.
Ashedied,shereclined,Diabeticfeet
alwayselevated,andtoldthestory
ofPanama,herpearl-coveredwrists
rattlingwitheachhandgesture.
HewasstationedattheCanal,
anMPduringtheGreatWar.
Butwhenhisbrotherlosthisskull
inatraincrashinGermany,hecame
hometome.Ashelaidintherented
hospitalbed,dementedandsilent,
asmymotherwashedhissheets,
trimmedhisbeard,administeredI.V.fluidsandantidiuretics,
shetoldstoriestotheemptyair.
*
NotDementia.NotAlzheimers.Notquite.
Onedaysheknewyourname,thenextday
sheknewhername,thatshe
hadchildren,andI(hergrandson)
couldbehersonwhosename
shecouldnotremember.Atnight,
wewouldtuckherbeneathherfavoritefloralblanket,pull
uptherailsonherrentedhospitalbed,
switchontheclosetlight,kiss
herforehead.Andwhisper
sweetdreams.Shedidntknowhow
toaskforabedtimestory,
butasweclosedthebedroomdoor
shewouldstart,Panama.
Itshouldprobablybementionedthatdeathhasalwaysbeenaconstantpresencein
mylife.Asadoctorforhospice,mymotherhelpspeopledie.Ihavebeentomany
memorialservices.Bereavementmightbemysecondcareer.(Holdinghands,administeringmorphine,sleep).Ontopofthat,mymotherhasaheartcondition
(thatIhavesubsequentlyinherited).ThepoemTheGirlNeverBornisanexampleoflate-night-emergency-roomrunsandfearingthatmymotherwouldnotcome
backhome.Instoryafterstory,poemafterpoem,Ihavekilledmymother.
TheGirlNeverBorn
Thesonogramshowedagirlin1986:
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Katiewouldhavebeenhername.
Perhaps,shewouldhaveworkedwithhospice,
likehermother,administeringmorphine,
holdinghands,peace.Perhaps,
shewouldhaveknownhow
tothreadanI.V.andnevermissthevein,knowntomemorizethenumbers
ofthecountycoronerandthevarious
funeralhomes.MaybeKatie
wouldhaveknownthetechnicalterms
foraheartofabnormalrhythmandflow:
mitralvalveprolapse,supraventricular
tachycardia.PerhapsKatiewouldhaveknown
whattodoeverytimeshesawhermothercrouch
headbetweenherlegs,shouldersraising
toano-necklevel,herrighthand'sfingerspressedintotheribcage's
in-betweens.PerhapsKatiewould
havecalledanambulancesooner,
wouldhavemassagedthesternum
tostartCPR,wouldhavedonemore
thanhold,cradle,andletgo.
Butinthat1987birthmoment,
itwasnotKatiesredhairthatflamed
asalittleboycrowned.Itwasnot
Katiesheartbeatthesonogramsaw;
Itwashis;aflawedsonoffaintheart,neverknowingwhattodo.
ButKatieisadifferentstory.WhatPanamaaspoemgivesusistwodeaths:a
literalonewhereE.L.forgotallofhisnormalbodilyfunctionsshortlyafter
forgettinghowtotalkandMarthassocialdeath,nearlyfouryearsofforgettingbeforeherliteraldeath.Yet,italsopresentsuswithPanama,thegrandromantic
gestureofE.L.andMarthasrelationship.Afterbeingsummonedhome,E.L.docked
inFlorida,andforonereasonoranother(sothestorygoes)wastoldtohitchit
home.E.L.[likeInmaninFraziersColdMountainorevenOdysseusinHomer]
walked,hitcheditfromFloridatoMississippitobewithhisbeloved.(Thereisa
short-fictionversionofPanamaaswell,butitistoolongforinclusion).
IusedtoseethestoryofPanamaasagrandromanticmetaphorformy
grandparentsentiremarriage.Inthisversionofthestory,theylovedeachotherso
muchthatneitherwarnorgulfcouldkeepthemapart.Now,inthelastfewyearsof
caringforthemalongwiththerestofmyfamily,theshapePanamatakesisquite
different.Inthisnewversion,Inotonlyseeagulfbridged,butacountrycutinhalf.Panamassynapticshape,therivenmindtornfrommeaningandmemory.Ilook
backatapoemlikePanamaandinsteadofseeingtheproblemswithlineandother
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issuesIcringeatasapseudo-poet,theasterisktransfixesme.Theasteriskisthat
gap,thatcanalwhichseparatesevenasitconnects.Theasteriskiswhatwasleftof
memoryafterAlzheimersorDementia(thatundiagnoseddisease)ravagedboth
E.L.andMartha.WhatdidPanamamatter?Allanyoneseemstoknowabout
Panamaisthecanal(oratleastthatisallweseemtocareabout).Whyarethe
goodwordsofapersonslifealwayswhathappenedlongbeforetheirdying?IcanthinkofnogreaterbeautythatMemesneedtoclingtoPanama.Yet,wouldthis
havehappenedhadhermindnotbeenslipping?Wouldthepearlladenfaadehave
shownsuchclearvulnerability,suchclearache?WhichversionofPanamaneeds
representation?Whichoneasksforremembering(forgetting)?Thecountry?Thecanal?Theunion?Thesplitting?
Papawforgot.Memeforgot.Whatweretheyforgetting?Whyweretheyforgetting?Memoryisapalimpsest.Memoryisanarchive.Memoryis
neuroscience.Structures,metaphors:otherPanamas.Butwhatofremembering,
forgetting,theprocessesthatdrivethemetaphor,buildthestructure?(Returning)Myhatobsessionstartedlongago.AndIhaveMemetoblame.
Letmebackup,issueswiththebrainmustbeinourgenes.TherewasatimewhenIhadabaldheadafteracraniotomytoremoveabenignbraintumor.My
grandmother,anartistofknittingandcrocheting,mademeabeanie.Iworeitfor
years,myobject.AlthoughIseldomwearitnowduetoitsfragility,Iworeitonthe
dayofherfuneral(beforegoingintothechurch).YetIstilldidnotknowwhat
exactlyIwouldsay.IntheonepictureIhaveofmygrandparentsfrombeforetheir
marriage,Papawiswearingabaseballcap.(Heworethemallthetimetoo).
Figure1MarthaandE.L.(Martha'sGraduation)
AmIdwellinginmelancholia,inhyper-cathectedmemories?Freudwritesofthemelancholicpatient:thepatientisawareofthelosswhichhasgivenriseto
hismelancholia,butonlyinthesensethatheknowswhomhehaslostbutnotwhat
hehaslostinhim.Thiswouldsuggestthatmelancholiaisinsomewayrelatedtoan
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object-losswhichiswithdrawnfromconsciousness,incontradistinctionto
mourning,inwhichthereisnothingaboutthelossthatisunconscious(Strachey
245).IsthisperhapswhatIamexperiencing?Melancholia,theabnormal,
pathologicalformofmourning?(242).IsthefactthatIcannotarticulatewhatIhave
lostbecauseitiswithdrawnfromconsciousness?Whythefailuretowritethe
eulogyforher?Whythehoveringfingersabovecomputerkeys?Whythehat?Ireturntotheletters.
AsIwalkintothefuneralhome,IoverhearmydadscrazyAuntBettyasking
mymother,Whereisthebody?ApparentlyAuntBettydidnotgetthememothat
Memeaskedtobecremated.AuntJackie(anewcharacter)presentsmewithajournal:Memesfromwhenwegrandchildrenwereyoung.Ireadofherdesireto
movetoNewYorkCityandbecomeawriter.Anotherdiscovery.ThenshemetE.L.Desireschanged.Anotherstorywritten.Weareallmysteriouscreatures.HowdoI
bearwitnesstomystery?
Ibeginmyeulogy:SigmundFreudwrites,Thecomplexofmelancholiabehaveslikean
openwound(Strachey252).Ihavebeenmisbehaving[](anellipsesofmystery;IcannottellyoueverythingIsaidbecauseIdonot
rememberit)IreadMatthewDickmansGrief.Ireturntomyseat.
*
Inthespring,returningtoFlorida,drivingitslengthtothesouthernmost
pointinthecontinentalU.S.(Only90milestoCuba!),IimagineE.L.hitchhikinghome
tobewiththewomanheloved.Canalsandgulfsbehindhim,theworldmusthave
seemedinfinite.AsIwalkalongtheWhiteStreetPier,neartheKeyWestAIDS
Memorial,variouspeoplecomplimentmeonmyshirt.Thesleevelessshirtismy
owncreation:asyntheticnavysailorshirtwithwhitecorddetails,shoulderpads,andanchorbuttonsdownthefront.Moreaptly,theshirtisarefurbishedhand-me-
down.ItbelongedtoMeme.Hershadsleevesandwasslightlylarger.Itoreoffthe
sleeves,took-intheseams,creatingsomethingdifferent.Iplacedtheremnants,the
sleevesandothermemorialrags,intoadrawer.
JamesE.Youngtellsusthatmemoryisnevershapedinavacuum;themotivesofmemoryareneverpure,andperhapsmyrippingoffthesleevesserves
asasymbolofmylarger(im)puremotivationstoshapememoryinthephysicalact
ofwritingthisessay(2).Yet,whenamindisforgetting,motivationdefiesdescription.TheverytitleofthisessayreturnsustoPanamaandthatasterisk.
GoodWords:AMindisForgetting.Everythingdependsonthecolon.Thegood
wordsaremine.Themindishers.Yet,(good)wordshermindisforgetting.Mymindisforgettingher(good)words.Howtointerpret?Whatshapedoesthisessay
take?Fragmentedflow?
Iliedinthebeginning.Iamnotsittingatmygrandmotherstablewriting
thisessay.(Anothertrickon(of)themind).Thetableandchairssitinstoragein
Mississippi.Theyarefartoounstabletomakeyetanotherjourneyacross.
Predicatedonalie,thisessayaskswhatismemorybuttheshiftinggroundbeneath
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ourfeet,thecanalwatersrisingandfallingwiththeopeningandclosingoflocks?
Whatismemorybutmiddle?IamremindedofametalsculpturebyRoyTamboli
nearWilliamFaulknershome.ItiscalledtheBardoofRose,Rosebeingaperson
whohadAlzheimersandBardotheBuddhiststateofthein-between.PerhapsIam
inanin-betweenstate.Afterall,grief(mourning,melancholia),asDickmanwrites,
isapurplegorilla(228).Ifindmyself,still,snugglyinthemiddleoftwopurple,furryarms.
Figure2MeintheBardoofRose(withhat)
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WorksCited:
Dickman,Matthew.Grief.TheArtofLosing:PoemsofGriefandHealing .Ed.Kevin
Young.NewYork:Bloomsbury,2010.(228-229).
Kuhn,Annette.FamilySecrets:ActsofMemoryandImagination.NewYork:Verso,
2002.Strachey,J.(1917).MourningandMelancholia.TheStandardEditionoftheCompletePsychological
WorksofSigmundFreud,VolumeXIV(1914-1916):OntheHistoryofthePsycho-Analytic
Movement,PapersonMetapsychologyandOtherWorks,237-258.
Young,James.E.Introduction.TheTextureofMemory.NewHaven:YaleUP,1993.
TheLetters:
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