Good Words a Mind is Forgetting

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Solomon 1

EricSolomon

ProfessorGoldberg

FinalWriting

GoodWords:AMindisForgetting

Memoryrevealsitselfthroughimagination.-JosephRoach

Theyaremydocuments.IkeepwatchoverthemToreminisceandwoolgatherisnegative.Youhave

todifferentiatebetweenmemories.Areyougoingtothemoraretheycomingtoyou?

Ifyouaregoingtothem,youarewastingtime.Nostalgiaisnotproductive.

Iftheycometoyou,theyareseedforsculpture.

-LouiseBourgeois

Thewoodcreaksbeneathmyweight.Aroundtable,fourchairscrackedand

rickety.IhavebeentoldthistableandchairscrossedtheAtlanticonaboatfrom

Germany.Itbelongedtomygrandmotherbeforeitbelongedtomeandbeforeheritwashermothersandsoonuntil,atsomepoint,theBlackForestpinewassevered

fromtheGermanearthandcarpentersworkedtoperfecttheroundshapedtop

beforefixingittothepedestalbasewithbracketsandnailsnowlongrusted.

Thisessayfallsinmediasres,inthemiddleofthings,whileIsitatmy

grandmotherstable.TheparticularthingIamininthemiddleofiswhatsome

mightcallgrief,othersmourning,andsomeevenmelancholia.Beinginthemiddle,I

amnotsurewhatIwouldcallit.ThisisastoryIhavebeencirclingforaverylong

time(warning:thisisgoingtobepersonal,andperhaps,sentimental).The

memoriesflood.(Andoftendonotcohere).

Thefuneralprogramsayswitness.Iamwitness.Iamtodelivertheeulogy,

goodwordsinherhonor.1

Butfirst,Imusttrytoremember(letthememoriescometome).AnnetteKuhnwritesinFamilySecrets:ActsofMemoryand

Imagination,Memoryworkhasagreatdealincommonwithformsofinquirywhich

involveworkingbackwardssearchingforclues,decipheringsignsandtraces,

makingdeductions,patchingtogetherreconstructionsoutoffragmentsofevidence(4).Butasmuchasmemoryworkislikeadetectivenovel,itisalso

indeterminablemystery,ateveryturn,asfurtherquestionsareraised,thereisalwayssomethingelsetolookinto(6).Mymemory-workinthisessaywill

inevitablybeaformofforgettingjustasmuchasitisanattemptto(re)member.It

willbemoremysterythandetection.Evenstill,asKuhntellsus,memoryworkisa

methodandapracticeofunearthingandmakingpublicuntoldstories(9).Assuch,

thisisbutoneuntoldprivatestorythatIwill(re)tell(asbestasIamable).Thefacts:hernamewasMarthaAbel-Solomon.HerparentswereWalter

HeinrichAbelandMaryDouglasPrice.Shewasaschoolteacher.ShewasMethodist.

HergrandfatherwasaGermanJewishdoctorwithblonde,curlyhairandblueeyes.

Nooneinourfamilyrememberswhenconversionoccurred.ShemarriedE.L.

Solomon,mygrandfather(Papaw),onAugust18,1951.Theyweremarriedfor

1Eulogy(etymology):eulogia,ClassicalGreekforgoodwords,blessing(OED).


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overfiftyyears,livedinCleveland,Mississippi,andproducedtwochildren,oneof

whomismyfather,Walter.TheyweremarrieduntilE.L.sdeathinFebruary2006.

WhenMarthadiedonSeptember27,2011,shehadlivedonlyonedaymoreinthe

numberoftotaldaysthanherhusband:Helivedatotalof28,348days;shelived

28,349.(Mybrother-in-lawfiguredthisoutatthecemetery,probablyoutof

boredom).E.L.wasborninMay1927;MarthawasborninJanuary1933.TheroughlyfiveyearsE.L.spentwithoutMarthabeforeshewasborn,Marthaspent

withouthimafterhisdeath.(Thissoundssentimental,butsometimesfactsrefuse

anyotherrhetoric).

WegrandchildrencalledherMeme,andthesobriquetfit.(She,ofcourse,chosethespelling).Shecouldbeanextremelyselfishandsuperficialwoman,

seldomwithoutherstringofpearlsandChanelNo.5.ShewasaSouthernbelle:memberoftherosesocietyandallthatjazz.Perhapsbecauseofhereccentricities

andover-the-topappearance,sheandI,ayoungqueerkid,alwayshadanintimate,

strange,andcatty(becausenootherwordwillsuffice)understandingofeachother.Iwillneverforgetthefollowingstatementfromher:You(meaningme)think

yourecutebutyourenot.Soundsharsh,butthatwasus.IresembledhergrandfatherwhenIhadmorehairthanIdonowandbeforehatswereapartofmy

dailywardrobe(moreonthislater).MemeandIare(were)theonlyonesinour

familywithblueeyes.(Anunclehasblueeyes,butthatstheothersideofthe

family).

Inmyhandswasplacedtheeulogy.Remember.

Afterherdeath,wefoundtheletters.Twoofthem,writtenaround1951,the

yearofhermarriagetoE.L.(Weretheremore?)Theselettersarebuttwoexamples

oftheepicromancenarrativethathasbecomesomethingofmythinourfamily.

(Seeimagesfollowing).Thestoryoftheirmeetingissimple:E.L.wasachildhood

friendofMarthasbrother,Claude.WakingupClaudeonemorning,Marthawas

surprisedwhenshepulledonherbrothersfootandthefootbelongedtoanothermansleg.ThiswasE.L.,allsix-foot-twoofhim.

Theircourtshipwaslengthy.MembersoftheGreatestGeneration,World

WarIIinterruptedthings.E.L.,orPlutoasfriendsknewhim,joinedthearmyinquicksuccessionafterhiselderbrothers,J.M.andBilly.E.L.joinedlate.WhenJ.M.

waskilledinEurope,Billyseverelywoundedandthoughtdead(thetrainhewasconductingderailed,leavinghimwithoutmostofaskullandanexposedbrain),E.L.

wascalledhome(alaSavingPrivateRyan)tobewithhiswidowedmother(and,of

course,Martha).

AndthisbringustothestorythatIhavebeenretellingforseveralyears,

nevergettingitright,neverfeelingsatisfiedwithwhatseemslikeatooperfect,too

romanticlovestory:Panama.Ihavewrittenaboutitinseveralforms.First,thebadpoem:

Panama

Heclimbedtelephonepoles

foraliving;sheworeChanelNo5.

Hewouldturnoffhishearingaid

towatchByeByeBirdie;shewouldhum


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HowLovelytobeaWoman.

Ashedied,mymotherfedhim

icecubeswhenheforgothowtoswallow,

cuppedhispenistochangehiscatheter.

Ashedied,shereclined,Diabeticfeet

alwayselevated,andtoldthestory

ofPanama,herpearl-coveredwrists

rattlingwitheachhandgesture.

HewasstationedattheCanal,

anMPduringtheGreatWar.

Butwhenhisbrotherlosthisskull

inatraincrashinGermany,hecame

hometome.Ashelaidintherented

hospitalbed,dementedandsilent,

asmymotherwashedhissheets,

trimmedhisbeard,administeredI.V.fluidsandantidiuretics,

shetoldstoriestotheemptyair.

*

NotDementia.NotAlzheimers.Notquite.

Onedaysheknewyourname,thenextday

sheknewhername,thatshe

hadchildren,andI(hergrandson)

couldbehersonwhosename

shecouldnotremember.Atnight,

wewouldtuckherbeneathherfavoritefloralblanket,pull

uptherailsonherrentedhospitalbed,

switchontheclosetlight,kiss

herforehead.Andwhisper

sweetdreams.Shedidntknowhow

toaskforabedtimestory,

butasweclosedthebedroomdoor

shewouldstart,Panama.

Itshouldprobablybementionedthatdeathhasalwaysbeenaconstantpresencein

mylife.Asadoctorforhospice,mymotherhelpspeopledie.Ihavebeentomany

memorialservices.Bereavementmightbemysecondcareer.(Holdinghands,administeringmorphine,sleep).Ontopofthat,mymotherhasaheartcondition

(thatIhavesubsequentlyinherited).ThepoemTheGirlNeverBornisanexampleoflate-night-emergency-roomrunsandfearingthatmymotherwouldnotcome

backhome.Instoryafterstory,poemafterpoem,Ihavekilledmymother.

TheGirlNeverBorn

Thesonogramshowedagirlin1986:


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Katiewouldhavebeenhername.

Perhaps,shewouldhaveworkedwithhospice,

likehermother,administeringmorphine,

holdinghands,peace.Perhaps,

shewouldhaveknownhow

tothreadanI.V.andnevermissthevein,knowntomemorizethenumbers

ofthecountycoronerandthevarious

funeralhomes.MaybeKatie

wouldhaveknownthetechnicalterms

foraheartofabnormalrhythmandflow:

mitralvalveprolapse,supraventricular

tachycardia.PerhapsKatiewouldhaveknown

whattodoeverytimeshesawhermothercrouch

headbetweenherlegs,shouldersraising

toano-necklevel,herrighthand'sfingerspressedintotheribcage's

in-betweens.PerhapsKatiewould

havecalledanambulancesooner,

wouldhavemassagedthesternum

tostartCPR,wouldhavedonemore

thanhold,cradle,andletgo.

Butinthat1987birthmoment,

itwasnotKatiesredhairthatflamed

asalittleboycrowned.Itwasnot

Katiesheartbeatthesonogramsaw;

Itwashis;aflawedsonoffaintheart,neverknowingwhattodo.

ButKatieisadifferentstory.WhatPanamaaspoemgivesusistwodeaths:a

literalonewhereE.L.forgotallofhisnormalbodilyfunctionsshortlyafter

forgettinghowtotalkandMarthassocialdeath,nearlyfouryearsofforgettingbeforeherliteraldeath.Yet,italsopresentsuswithPanama,thegrandromantic

gestureofE.L.andMarthasrelationship.Afterbeingsummonedhome,E.L.docked

inFlorida,andforonereasonoranother(sothestorygoes)wastoldtohitchit

home.E.L.[likeInmaninFraziersColdMountainorevenOdysseusinHomer]

walked,hitcheditfromFloridatoMississippitobewithhisbeloved.(Thereisa

short-fictionversionofPanamaaswell,butitistoolongforinclusion).

IusedtoseethestoryofPanamaasagrandromanticmetaphorformy

grandparentsentiremarriage.Inthisversionofthestory,theylovedeachotherso

muchthatneitherwarnorgulfcouldkeepthemapart.Now,inthelastfewyearsof

caringforthemalongwiththerestofmyfamily,theshapePanamatakesisquite

different.Inthisnewversion,Inotonlyseeagulfbridged,butacountrycutinhalf.Panamassynapticshape,therivenmindtornfrommeaningandmemory.Ilook

backatapoemlikePanamaandinsteadofseeingtheproblemswithlineandother


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issuesIcringeatasapseudo-poet,theasterisktransfixesme.Theasteriskisthat

gap,thatcanalwhichseparatesevenasitconnects.Theasteriskiswhatwasleftof

memoryafterAlzheimersorDementia(thatundiagnoseddisease)ravagedboth

E.L.andMartha.WhatdidPanamamatter?Allanyoneseemstoknowabout

Panamaisthecanal(oratleastthatisallweseemtocareabout).Whyarethe

goodwordsofapersonslifealwayswhathappenedlongbeforetheirdying?IcanthinkofnogreaterbeautythatMemesneedtoclingtoPanama.Yet,wouldthis

havehappenedhadhermindnotbeenslipping?Wouldthepearlladenfaadehave

shownsuchclearvulnerability,suchclearache?WhichversionofPanamaneeds

representation?Whichoneasksforremembering(forgetting)?Thecountry?Thecanal?Theunion?Thesplitting?

Papawforgot.Memeforgot.Whatweretheyforgetting?Whyweretheyforgetting?Memoryisapalimpsest.Memoryisanarchive.Memoryis

neuroscience.Structures,metaphors:otherPanamas.Butwhatofremembering,

forgetting,theprocessesthatdrivethemetaphor,buildthestructure?(Returning)Myhatobsessionstartedlongago.AndIhaveMemetoblame.

Letmebackup,issueswiththebrainmustbeinourgenes.TherewasatimewhenIhadabaldheadafteracraniotomytoremoveabenignbraintumor.My

grandmother,anartistofknittingandcrocheting,mademeabeanie.Iworeitfor

years,myobject.AlthoughIseldomwearitnowduetoitsfragility,Iworeitonthe

dayofherfuneral(beforegoingintothechurch).YetIstilldidnotknowwhat

exactlyIwouldsay.IntheonepictureIhaveofmygrandparentsfrombeforetheir

marriage,Papawiswearingabaseballcap.(Heworethemallthetimetoo).

Figure1MarthaandE.L.(Martha'sGraduation)

AmIdwellinginmelancholia,inhyper-cathectedmemories?Freudwritesofthemelancholicpatient:thepatientisawareofthelosswhichhasgivenriseto

hismelancholia,butonlyinthesensethatheknowswhomhehaslostbutnotwhat

hehaslostinhim.Thiswouldsuggestthatmelancholiaisinsomewayrelatedtoan


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object-losswhichiswithdrawnfromconsciousness,incontradistinctionto

mourning,inwhichthereisnothingaboutthelossthatisunconscious(Strachey

245).IsthisperhapswhatIamexperiencing?Melancholia,theabnormal,

pathologicalformofmourning?(242).IsthefactthatIcannotarticulatewhatIhave

lostbecauseitiswithdrawnfromconsciousness?Whythefailuretowritethe

eulogyforher?Whythehoveringfingersabovecomputerkeys?Whythehat?Ireturntotheletters.

AsIwalkintothefuneralhome,IoverhearmydadscrazyAuntBettyasking

mymother,Whereisthebody?ApparentlyAuntBettydidnotgetthememothat

Memeaskedtobecremated.AuntJackie(anewcharacter)presentsmewithajournal:Memesfromwhenwegrandchildrenwereyoung.Ireadofherdesireto

movetoNewYorkCityandbecomeawriter.Anotherdiscovery.ThenshemetE.L.Desireschanged.Anotherstorywritten.Weareallmysteriouscreatures.HowdoI

bearwitnesstomystery?

Ibeginmyeulogy:SigmundFreudwrites,Thecomplexofmelancholiabehaveslikean

openwound(Strachey252).Ihavebeenmisbehaving[](anellipsesofmystery;IcannottellyoueverythingIsaidbecauseIdonot

rememberit)IreadMatthewDickmansGrief.Ireturntomyseat.

*

Inthespring,returningtoFlorida,drivingitslengthtothesouthernmost

pointinthecontinentalU.S.(Only90milestoCuba!),IimagineE.L.hitchhikinghome

tobewiththewomanheloved.Canalsandgulfsbehindhim,theworldmusthave

seemedinfinite.AsIwalkalongtheWhiteStreetPier,neartheKeyWestAIDS

Memorial,variouspeoplecomplimentmeonmyshirt.Thesleevelessshirtismy

owncreation:asyntheticnavysailorshirtwithwhitecorddetails,shoulderpads,andanchorbuttonsdownthefront.Moreaptly,theshirtisarefurbishedhand-me-

down.ItbelongedtoMeme.Hershadsleevesandwasslightlylarger.Itoreoffthe

sleeves,took-intheseams,creatingsomethingdifferent.Iplacedtheremnants,the

sleevesandothermemorialrags,intoadrawer.

JamesE.Youngtellsusthatmemoryisnevershapedinavacuum;themotivesofmemoryareneverpure,andperhapsmyrippingoffthesleevesserves

asasymbolofmylarger(im)puremotivationstoshapememoryinthephysicalact

ofwritingthisessay(2).Yet,whenamindisforgetting,motivationdefiesdescription.TheverytitleofthisessayreturnsustoPanamaandthatasterisk.

GoodWords:AMindisForgetting.Everythingdependsonthecolon.Thegood

wordsaremine.Themindishers.Yet,(good)wordshermindisforgetting.Mymindisforgettingher(good)words.Howtointerpret?Whatshapedoesthisessay

take?Fragmentedflow?

Iliedinthebeginning.Iamnotsittingatmygrandmotherstablewriting

thisessay.(Anothertrickon(of)themind).Thetableandchairssitinstoragein

Mississippi.Theyarefartoounstabletomakeyetanotherjourneyacross.

Predicatedonalie,thisessayaskswhatismemorybuttheshiftinggroundbeneath


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ourfeet,thecanalwatersrisingandfallingwiththeopeningandclosingoflocks?

Whatismemorybutmiddle?IamremindedofametalsculpturebyRoyTamboli

nearWilliamFaulknershome.ItiscalledtheBardoofRose,Rosebeingaperson

whohadAlzheimersandBardotheBuddhiststateofthein-between.PerhapsIam

inanin-betweenstate.Afterall,grief(mourning,melancholia),asDickmanwrites,

isapurplegorilla(228).Ifindmyself,still,snugglyinthemiddleoftwopurple,furryarms.

Figure2MeintheBardoofRose(withhat)


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WorksCited:

Dickman,Matthew.Grief.TheArtofLosing:PoemsofGriefandHealing .Ed.Kevin

Young.NewYork:Bloomsbury,2010.(228-229).

Kuhn,Annette.FamilySecrets:ActsofMemoryandImagination.NewYork:Verso,

2002.Strachey,J.(1917).MourningandMelancholia.TheStandardEditionoftheCompletePsychological

WorksofSigmundFreud,VolumeXIV(1914-1916):OntheHistoryofthePsycho-Analytic

Movement,PapersonMetapsychologyandOtherWorks,237-258.

Young,James.E.Introduction.TheTextureofMemory.NewHaven:YaleUP,1993.

TheLetters:


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Good Words a Mind is Forgetting

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