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BOUNDARIES
Jeanette Nadonley, DC, BA
November 10, 2012
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Boundary
Definition: Boundary - A thing which servesto mark the limits of something; the limit
itself, a dividing line.
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Boundaries Notice the absence of the word "rejection" in that
definition? That's because boundaries -- whetherphysical, psychological or emotional -- are NOT
rejections. Nevertheless, people frequently interpretboundaries as a rejection, or are afraid to setboundaries for themselves for fear that someone elsewill interpret their boundary as a rejection. To set the
record straight once and for all: a boundary is notintended as a rejection, nor should it be interpretedas one. But why, then, are boundaries somisunderstood?
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Boundaries The Great Boundary Misunderstanding is the
common inclination to interpret a boundary in
a black-and-white way. Black-and-white thinking means that there is
no gray -- no middle ground.
Boundaries will not always be clear-cut, andcircumstances can change them.
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Boundaries The boundary dilemma and the fear of rejection
becomes a compounded problem for many peoplewith dysfunction. Dysfunctional families are often
dysfunctional in large part because they DON'T sethealthy boundaries. As a result, during their crucialyears of development, the children of substanceabusing or dysfunctional parents very frequently
ARE rejected by their loved ones. Children fromdysfunctional families commonly develop ahypersensitivity to rejection as a result.
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Boundaries However difficult it may be for a given individual to
deal with boundaries, the fact remains that
boundaries are a healthy, normal, and necessary part
of life. Boundaries are a way to manage one's life
and one's interpersonal relationships -- a way to set
limits. The next time you need to set a boundary, or
accept a boundary that someone else has set, justremember: a boundary is simply a boundary and not
a rejection.
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Boundaries Most of the adults in our lives tend to fall into
one of two categories: Bulldozers orDoormats.
Bulldozers may appear to take care ofthemselves, but their version of self-care doesnot take other peoples needs into
consideration. Bulldozers need to win, to havetheir needs taken care of, and feel entitled todo so at the expense of the other person.
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Boundaries
This is not boundary-setting. Boundary-
setting considers the needs of the otherperson, although it does not always
accommodate them. In other words, My way
or the highwayis bulldozing, not boundary-setting.
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Boundaries Doormats function as though they had no boundaries. They
are agreeable, nice, FINE. (At least until their resentmentbuilds up to one nasty tolerance break, after which they canmake the meanest Bulldozer look pretty tame.) Doormats areterribly accommodating, but do so at the expense of their ownneeds. They tend to be on the losing end of most conflicts.However, by not sticking up for themselves, they can notonly avoid many conflicts, but they also get to look good,
be self-righteous, and validate a self-perception ofhelplessness and victimization. So when you think about it,theres a great payoff for being a Doormat, but theres also ahigh price to pay in the loss of ones self.
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Boundaries These patterns have nothing to do with
boundary-setting, although Doormats oftenfunction in the hope that being nice enoughwill inspire the people around them to figureout and accommodate their needs. Boundary-setting always takes ones own needs into
account and relies on honest and directcommunication, (rather than manipulation andclairvoyance).
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Boundaries
Setting boundaries is not a more sophisticated
way of manipulation - although some peoplewill say they are setting boundaries, when in
fact they are attempting to manipulate. The
difference between setting a boundary in ahealthy way and manipulating is: when we
set a boundary we let go of the outcome.
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Boundaries
"It is impossible to have a healthy relationship
with someone who has no boundaries, with
someone who cannot communicate directly,and honestly. Learning how to set boundaries
is a necessary step in learning to be a friend to
ourselves. It is our responsibility to take care
of ourselves - to protect ourselves when it is
necessary.
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Boundaries
The purpose of having boundaries is to protect
and take care of ourselves.
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Dont Take It Personally
We cannot possibly understand someoneelses motivations for what they do or whatthey say, what they dont do or what theydont say. We cannot understand because weare not them. We do not live inside their skin,their mind, their life. We do not have their
history, their fears, their passions, theirassumptions, their scars, their hopes ordreams or disappointments.
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Dont Take It Personally
Nor can they possibly know what life is like inside
our skin, our mind, our heart, and thus tailor their
responses and interactions with us accordingly. They
do not know us, therefore they are not the one
pushing our buttons or getting under our skin, if
that is what is happening. We are the only one who
knows us that well and can do that. So to take something personally, is the height of
ego-driven behavior.
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Dont Take It Personally
When buttons get pushed, feelings get hurt,
fears get activated, anger gets unleashed, orshame rears its ugly head as a result of our
interactions with others, it is instead simply a
clear signal from within that something iswounded and needs our attention.
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Dont Take It Personally
The other person may never knowandcertainly never will unless we show itthat
they have impacted us in any way with their
behavior or comments. The same goes for us,in our interactions with others.
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Boundaries with Mentees Family
Setting Boundaries with your Mentees family
is very important. In order for the mentor-
mentee relationship to progress, otherinterfering obstacles hinder the working
relationship.
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Final Thought on Mentoring
It is good I have some one to
help me, he said.
Right here in my hat on the
top of my head! It is good
that I have her Here with metoday.
She helps me a lot. This is Little Cat A. And
then Little Cat A took the hat off HER head. It
is good I have some one To help ME, she said .
This is Little Cat B. I keep him about, and
when I need help then I let him come out.
The Cat in the Hat Comes Back & Dr. Seuss
Enterprises, 1958.
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