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BOUNDARIES

Jeanette Nadonley, DC, BA

November 10, 2012

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Boundary

Definition: Boundary - A thing which servesto mark the limits of something; the limit

itself, a dividing line.

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Boundaries Notice the absence of the word "rejection" in that

definition? That's because boundaries -- whetherphysical, psychological or emotional -- are NOT

rejections. Nevertheless, people frequently interpretboundaries as a rejection, or are afraid to setboundaries for themselves for fear that someone elsewill interpret their boundary as a rejection. To set the

record straight once and for all: a boundary is notintended as a rejection, nor should it be interpretedas one. But why, then, are boundaries somisunderstood?

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Boundaries The Great Boundary Misunderstanding is the

common inclination to interpret a boundary in

a black-and-white way. Black-and-white thinking means that there is

no gray -- no middle ground.

Boundaries will not always be clear-cut, andcircumstances can change them.

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Boundaries The boundary dilemma and the fear of rejection

becomes a compounded problem for many peoplewith dysfunction. Dysfunctional families are often

dysfunctional in large part because they DON'T sethealthy boundaries. As a result, during their crucialyears of development, the children of substanceabusing or dysfunctional parents very frequently

ARE rejected by their loved ones. Children fromdysfunctional families commonly develop ahypersensitivity to rejection as a result.

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Boundaries However difficult it may be for a given individual to

deal with boundaries, the fact remains that

boundaries are a healthy, normal, and necessary part

of life. Boundaries are a way to manage one's life

and one's interpersonal relationships -- a way to set

limits. The next time you need to set a boundary, or

accept a boundary that someone else has set, justremember: a boundary is simply a boundary and not

a rejection.

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Boundaries Most of the adults in our lives tend to fall into

one of two categories: Bulldozers orDoormats.

Bulldozers may appear to take care ofthemselves, but their version of self-care doesnot take other peoples needs into

consideration. Bulldozers need to win, to havetheir needs taken care of, and feel entitled todo so at the expense of the other person.

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Boundaries

This is not boundary-setting. Boundary-

setting considers the needs of the otherperson, although it does not always

accommodate them. In other words, My way

or the highwayis bulldozing, not boundary-setting.

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Boundaries Doormats function as though they had no boundaries. They

are agreeable, nice, FINE. (At least until their resentmentbuilds up to one nasty tolerance break, after which they canmake the meanest Bulldozer look pretty tame.) Doormats areterribly accommodating, but do so at the expense of their ownneeds. They tend to be on the losing end of most conflicts.However, by not sticking up for themselves, they can notonly avoid many conflicts, but they also get to look good,

be self-righteous, and validate a self-perception ofhelplessness and victimization. So when you think about it,theres a great payoff for being a Doormat, but theres also ahigh price to pay in the loss of ones self.

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Boundaries These patterns have nothing to do with

boundary-setting, although Doormats oftenfunction in the hope that being nice enoughwill inspire the people around them to figureout and accommodate their needs. Boundary-setting always takes ones own needs into

account and relies on honest and directcommunication, (rather than manipulation andclairvoyance).

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Boundaries

Setting boundaries is not a more sophisticated

way of manipulation - although some peoplewill say they are setting boundaries, when in

fact they are attempting to manipulate. The

difference between setting a boundary in ahealthy way and manipulating is: when we

set a boundary we let go of the outcome.

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Boundaries

"It is impossible to have a healthy relationship

with someone who has no boundaries, with

someone who cannot communicate directly,and honestly. Learning how to set boundaries

is a necessary step in learning to be a friend to

ourselves. It is our responsibility to take care

of ourselves - to protect ourselves when it is

necessary.

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Boundaries

The purpose of having boundaries is to protect

and take care of ourselves.

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Dont Take It Personally

We cannot possibly understand someoneelses motivations for what they do or whatthey say, what they dont do or what theydont say. We cannot understand because weare not them. We do not live inside their skin,their mind, their life. We do not have their

history, their fears, their passions, theirassumptions, their scars, their hopes ordreams or disappointments.

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Dont Take It Personally

Nor can they possibly know what life is like inside

our skin, our mind, our heart, and thus tailor their

responses and interactions with us accordingly. They

do not know us, therefore they are not the one

pushing our buttons or getting under our skin, if

that is what is happening. We are the only one who

knows us that well and can do that. So to take something personally, is the height of

ego-driven behavior.

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Dont Take It Personally

When buttons get pushed, feelings get hurt,

fears get activated, anger gets unleashed, orshame rears its ugly head as a result of our

interactions with others, it is instead simply a

clear signal from within that something iswounded and needs our attention.

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Dont Take It Personally

The other person may never knowandcertainly never will unless we show itthat

they have impacted us in any way with their

behavior or comments. The same goes for us,in our interactions with others.

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Boundaries with Mentees Family

Setting Boundaries with your Mentees family

is very important. In order for the mentor-

mentee relationship to progress, otherinterfering obstacles hinder the working

relationship.

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Final Thought on Mentoring

It is good I have some one to

help me, he said.

Right here in my hat on the

top of my head! It is good

that I have her Here with metoday.

She helps me a lot. This is Little Cat A. And

then Little Cat A took the hat off HER head. It

is good I have some one To help ME, she said .

This is Little Cat B. I keep him about, and

when I need help then I let him come out.

The Cat in the Hat Comes Back & Dr. Seuss

Enterprises, 1958.