WORKAHOLICS

"Best Friends Forever"

written by

Valerie Bryant

FIRST DRAFT

Valerie.ann.bryant@gmail.com 03 20, 2014

COLD OPEN

INT. GUYS HOUSE - NIGHT

We see Anders and Blake passed out drunk inside their respective bedrooms. There are various other people passed out around the house too, indicating theyve just had a party.

EXT. GUYS HOUSE - ROOF

Adam and Karl are lying on the roof, looking up at the stars.

ADAM

Why is toothpaste white? If it was

black, I could get it on my shirt and

it wouldnt be a big deal.

KARL

You could wear white shirts.

ADAM

Youre so smart, dude. I wish I was

smart.

KARL

Youre anything you want to be.

Heretofore, you are smart.

ADAM

You cant just do that. Unless you

can. Am I smart?

KARL

Let me put it this way, should

toothpaste be black?

ADAM

Oh my god, I always say that! I say

that all the time! Youre my best

friend.

KARL

And youre my breast friend.

ADAM

Wheres my knife? I want you to carve

that into my arm.

END OF COLD OPEN

"Epidode Title" 2.

ACT ONE

INT. GUYS HOUSE - KITCHEN - THE NEXT DAY

BLAKE AND ANDERS ARE FRANTICALLY GETTING READY FOR WORK. BLAKE QUIETS ANDERS BY PUTTING HIS HAND ON ANDERS CHEST.

BLAKE

Theres someone in the house.

BLAKE REACHES HIS HAND UNDER A SIDE TABLE AND PULLS OUT A GUN THAT WAS TAPED TO THE BOTTOM OF THE TABLE.

BLAKE SNIFFS THE AIR.

BLAKE (CONTD)

Wait, no -- Waffles!

BLAKE REACHES BACK UNDER THE TABLE AND PULLS OUT A KNIFE AND FORK.

THEY WALK TOWARD THE KITCHEN.

ANDERS

Dont hide stuff under tables. That

was cool, but dont do that anymore.

BLAKE

The gun scare you?

ANDERS

It surprised me, but Im really not

crazy about the knife and fork either.

"Epidode Title" 3.

INT. GUYS HOUSE - KITCHEN

ADAM AND KARL ARE COATED IN FLOUR AND SPATTERED WITH BATTER. THEYRE MAKING WAFFLES.

ADAM

Hey guys!

KARL

Morning, sunshines!

ANDERS

Hey...guys.

BLAKE

Yeah. Hey.

ANDERS

Adam, we gotta get to work.

BLAKE

That job wont do itself.

KARL

Do itself? Like masturbate.

ADAM LAUGHS.

KARL (CONTD)

Masturbating job.

ADAM LAUGHS SO HARD, HE CANT CATCH HIS BREATH.

KARL (CONTD)

Id take that job.

ADAM STARTS FALLING TO THE FLOOR, LAUGHING, AND HE BRINGS KARL DOWN WITH HIM.

ANDERS

Were leaving.

"Epidode Title" 4.

ADAM

I stopped caring like ten minutes ago.

Im not going. Its me and Karls...

Karl and Is? Mine and Karls?

ADAM AND KARL LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND SMILE.

ADAM (CONTD)

Anyway, its our anniversary. I cant

go to work on our anniversary.

BLAKE

Anniversary of what?

ADAM

Of the day we became best friends.

Its our one-day anniversary.

ANDERS AND BLAKE ARE SAD, BUT ANDERS QUICKLY HIDES IT.

ANDERS

Whatever. I dont have time for this.

BLAKE

I wanna stay.

ANDERS

Me too. Were gonna stay too.

KARL

Its kind of an A and B day.

ADAM

So C your way out of it.

BLAKE

Can I have a waffle?

"Epidode Title" 5.

ADAM

I dont know, can you?

KARL LAUGHS, ADAM BEAMS WITH PRIDE.

BLAKE

Forget it.

ANDERS AND BLAKE LEAVE.

ADAM

Remember when I said C your way out

of it? Callback.

INT. ANDERS CAR

ANDERS AND BLAKE ARE IN THE CAR DRIVING, WITH AN OBNOXIOUS DJTALKING ON THE RADIO. THE VOLUME IS UP REALLY LOUD, SO THEY WONT HAVE TO TALK ABOUT WHAT JUST HAPPENED. THEYRE SHAKEN.

INT. GUYS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

KARL AND ADAM ARE EATING WAFFLES.

KARL

Have you ever eaten a waffle with a

pan on your head?

ADAM

What? No. Thats crazy.

ADAM CONTINUES TO EAT. KARL CASUALLY PLACES A PAN ON HIS HEAD.

KARL

Hey Adam.

ADAM GLANCES UP BETWEEN BITES AND SEES KARL. ADAM CRACKS UP.

ADAM

You are nuts, dude.

"Epidode Title" 6.

INT. OFFICE - GUYS CUBICLE - SAME DAY

ANDERS AND BLAKE ARE WORKING WHEN JILLIAN WALKS INTO THEIR CUBICLE.

JILLIAN

Wheres Adam? I need him to try out a

dog bed for me.

BLAKE

Uh, hes sick. Can I do it? I love

me some round, fuzzy bed.

JILLIAN

No offense, Blake, but youre no

bulldog.

BLAKE

I do take offense to that, Jillian.

JILLIAN

Im sorry.

ANDERS

Hes feeling sensitive today. Any

other day hed be happy to hear hes

no bulldog.

JILLIAN

Anders, before you start to beg, let

me stop you and say youre no bulldog

either.

ANDERS

Whoa!

"Epidode Title" 7.

BLAKE

Its one thing to say that to me, but

to Anders!

JILLIAN

Sorry for lashing out, but I really

need Adam. How sick is he?

BLAKE

Hes sick as a dog.

JILLIAN

What kind of dog? Just kidding, I

couldnt risk getting Rocky sick.

Rockys the name of the dog Ill be

dogsitting. Hell be with me all

weekend. Im kind of nervous about

it.

ANDERS

Can we not be a part of this dilemma

anymore?

JILLIAN

Oh, of course, duh, Im sorry.

JILLIAN WALKS AWAY.

ANDERS

You are a bulldog.

BLAKE

Youre a bulldog, dude. Full on.

BLAKE AND ANDERS SIT IN SILENCE FOR ABOUT FIVE SECONDS. THEYRE CLEARLY BOTH OBSESSING OVER WHAT HAPPENED WITH ADAM.

"Epidode Title" 8.

ANDERS(trying to sound casual)

That was weird back there, right?

BLAKE

Oh, yeah, the bulldog thing. Weird.

ANDERS

Hah. Yeah.

SILENCE.

ANDERS (CONTD)(pretending to be casual)

And also the thing with Adam and Karl

being best friends.

BLAKE(pretending not to care)

Oh, sure, I guess that was a little

weird.

THEY BOTH CONTINUE ON PRETENDING THEYRE NOT BOTHERED.

ANDERS

Im not too worried about it either.

Im not like oh no, where do I belong

now? Is there any point in living

anymore?

BLAKE

Hahahah.

THEY SIT IN SILENCE AGAIN.

BLAKE (CONTD)

Karls probably gone by now anyway.

ANDERS LOOKS VISIBLY RELIEVED AT THE POSSIBILITY.

"Epidode Title" 9.

ANDERS

Youre so right. Hey, what do you say

we have a pizza night tonight?

BLAKE

From Adams favorite place?

ANDERS(lying)

Hmm..I hadnt really thought about it,

but why not?

BLAKE

Why not?

THEY SIT IN SILENCE AGAIN.

ANDERS

Yep. Karls probably long gone by

now.

MONTAGE:

(FRIENDSHIP MONTAGE, MUSIC PLAYS)

1. ADAM AND KARL TAKE A BATH TOGETHER IN THEIR BATHING SUITS.

2. ADAM AND KARL DRINK PICKLE JUICE, THEN ACT EXAGGERATEDLY, CARTOONISHLY DRUNK.

3. THEY PLAY HOUSE. KARL IS THE WIFE, ADAM IS THE HUSBAND. ADAM PRETENDS TO BE MAD, KARL ACTS UPSET, ADAM FEELS GUILTY.

4. WE SEE ADAM AND KARLS SILHOUETTES INSIDE OF A FORT THEY BUILT IN THE LIVING ROOM. THEYRE MEASURING THEIR DICKS.

END MONTAGE:

INT. GUYS HOUSE - LATERBLAKE AND ANDERS WALK IN THE DOOR WITH PIZZA.

ANDERS

Honey, were home!

BLAKE

Honey, were home!

"Epidode Title" 10.

KARL AND ADAM ARE ON THE COUCH, THROWING CANDY INTO EACH OTHERS MOUTHS.

ANDERS

Oh, hey Karl.

BLAKE

Hevacheck, hey.

ADAM

Dont break our concentration, guys.

ADAM TOSSES A CANDY AT KARL AND IT HITS KARL IN THE FACE.

ANDERS AND BLAKE GO INTO THE KITCHEN.

ANDERS(whispering)

What are we gonna do about this?

BLAKE(whispering)

We could slut shame him.

ANDERS(whispering)

At least I have respect for myself!

No, it just doesnt pop.

BLAKE(whispering)

This pizza is only big enough for the

three of us.

ANDERS(whispering)

You think I dont know that?

ANDERS LOOKS OVER AT KARL AND ADAM WHO ARE NOW SITTING CLOSER TO EACH OTHER, STILL ATTEMPTING TO THROW CANDY INTO EACH OTHERS MOUTHS.

"Epidode Title" 11.

BLAKE(whispering)

Lets just act cool with it. We dont

want to seem jelly, thats not gonna

get him back.

ANDERS(whispering)

Perfect plan.

ANDERS AND BLAKE WALK INTO THE LIVING ROOM. ADAM AND KARL ARE NOW SITTING AS CLOSE AS POSSIBLE, JUST FEEDING EACH OTHER CANDY.

ANDERS (CONTD)

Hey guys, cool trick. Want some za?

BLAKE

Its from your favorite place.

ADAM

Im kinda stuffed from those waffles

this morning.

KARL

I could go for some pizza.

ADAM

Actually, yeah, I could go for some

pizza.

KARL

I have to leave though. My old ladys

been on my ass lately.

BLAKE

Whos your old lady?

"Epidode Title" 12.

KARL

Oh, you know, just some old lady.

Ill come back tonight with my

sleeping bag, cool?

ADAM

The coolest.

ANDERS

Cooler than that.

BLAKE

Ice cold.

KARL

Ill take a slice for the road.

KARL ROLLS UP THE ENTIRE PIZZA AND TAKES IT WITH HIM.

KARL (CONTD)

Later skaters.

ANDERS

Cool!

ADAM IS IN AWE OF KARL. KARL LEAVES.

ADAM

God, hes cool.

BLAKE

Yeah, definitely. So hes staying

over tonight?

ADAM

His old ladys been on his ass, so

hes crashing here, yeah. Did you

know hes lactose intolerant?

"Epidode Title" 13.

ANDERS

He just ate a whole pizza.

ADAM

Its not serious or anything, but

isnt that crazy? And he uses head

and shoulders shampoo even though he

never has dandruff. Hes so cool.

BLAKE

Jillian was looking for you at work

today. Dont worry, I covered for

you.

ADAM

Oh. Okay. Thats nice, thanks. Why

would Jillian care--

ANDERS

Wanna have an ice-cream party tonight?

ADAM

Well, Karl is lactose-intolerant,

so...

ANDERS

Oh, right...

ADAM

But, I mean, he loves ice-cream, so

yeah.

ANDERS

Great. Ill take care of all the

details. Dont worry about it.

"Epidode Title" 14.

ADAM

Okay. Id better go get cleaned up.

Its amazing how little you get clean

when you bathe with another person.

ADAM WALKS AWAY.

ANDERS

This isnt working. Im so jelly.

Im so jelly and it shows. I just

want to take a bottle of sleeping

pills and never wake-up.

BLAKE

Wait a minute, Ders, thats it! We

need to give him a taste of his own

medicine. We need to make Adam jelly.

ANDERS

But how?

BLAKE

Oh, youll see.

BLAKE RUBS HIS HANDS TOGETHER. ANDERS LOOKS CONFUSED.

BLAKE (CONTD)

Ill invite Jillian over.

ANDERS

Oh. Huh.

END OF ACT ONE

"Epidode Title" 15.

ACT TWO

INT. GUYS HOUSE - NIGHTBLAKE OPENS THE FRONT DOOR TO LET IN JILLIAN WHO IS WEARING A NEW PAIR OF HELLO KITTY PAJAMAS. SHE IS HOLDING A DOG BED AND A CABOODLES MAKE-UP BOX. BLAKE IS WEARING WHATEVER HE NORMALLY WEARS TO BED.

BLAKE

Jillian!

JILLIAN

Blake!

BLAKE NOTICES THE DOG BED.

BLAKE

Did you bring that dog?

JILLIAN

What dog? Oh, you mean Rocky. No.

So much drama, I cant even.

BLAKE

But the dog bed?

JILLIAN

You know you cant return these once

theyve been slept in?

BLAKE

Really?

JILLIAN

Whatever, its comfy as heck. Im not

complaining.

ADAM IS SITTING ON THE COUCH, FACING AWAY FROM THE OTHERS.

JILLIAN (CONTD)

Adam, you feeling better?

"Epidode Title" 16.

ADAM

Huh? I feel great. Dumb question.

JILLIAN(to Blake)

What a tough lil guy. So

inspirational.

ANDERS WALKS UP WEARING CAPRI PAJAMA PANTS, AN OVERSIZED GARFIELD TEE, AND A BREATHE RIGHT STRIP ON HIS NOSE.

ANDERS

Jillian!

JILLIAN

Hey Anders! Where should I put my

stuff?

BLAKE

My room!

ANDERS

But I thought--

BLAKE

My room will be better.

ANDERS

Okay...

JILLIAN WALKS AWAY, TOWARD BLAKES ROOM.

BLAKE

Hey Adam, did you see Jillian?

ADAM

Yeah.

ANDERS

Jillians so great, isnt she, Blake?

"Epidode Title" 17.

BLAKE

Yeah.

ANDERS

Adam, isnt Jillian great?

ADAM

Not really.

ANDERS(frustrated whisper to Blake)

This isnt working!

THE DOORBELL RINGS.

ADAM

I got it!

ADAM JUMPS OVER THE COUCH. HE OPENS THE DOOR AND SEES A ROLLED-UP SLEEPING BAG ON THE GROUND WITH A NOTE ON IT.

ADAM (CONTD)

What the hell?

HE PICKS UP THE NOTE AND READS IT ALOUD.

ADAM (CONTD)

Sorry, couldnt come. Love, Karl.

ADAM TURNS AROUND, TEARS IN HIS EYES.

ADAM (CONTD)

Karl couldnt come, you guys.

KARL POPS OUT FROM BEHIND ADAM AND GRABS HIS SHOULDERS.

KARL

Boo!

ADAM SCREAMS AND HUGS KARL.

ADAM

Oh my god, dude. Good one.

"Epidode Title" 18.

ADAM WIPES THE TEARS FROM HIS EYES.

ADAM (CONTD)

He was joking, everybody. Hes here.

ADAM HUGS KARL AGAIN.

KARL

Guess what I brought? Stephen Kings

It, brother.

ANDERS

Oh, I dont know. Maybe we should

just set up the ice-cream bar and

watch a family-friendly movie.

JILLIAN

Or we could play truth or dare?

ANDERS

No...

BLAKE

Or tell ghost stories.

ANDERS

No...

JILLIAN

Or use my quija board.

ANDERS

No! Lets just make ice-creams and

watch Getting Even With Dad. I paid

$3.99 to rent it for 24 hours, so can

we just please watch that instead?

"Epidode Title" 19.

KARL

No can do, buddy.

ADAM

Sorry, Ders, maybe next time.

INT. GUYS HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - SAME NIGHTIT IS PLAYING ON THE TV AND ANDERS IS SITTING BEHIND THE COUCH, TOO TERRIFIED TO LOOK AT THE TV, BUT ALSO TOO AFRAID OF THE SOUND TO STAY IN THE ROOM.

ANDERS STANDS UP.

ANDERS

Anyone else feeling tired?

BLAKE AND JILLIAN LOOK AT EACH OTHER MISCHIEVOUSLY.

JILLIAN

Okay, Anders, lets go to bed.

BLAKE

Yeah, that sounds fun.

ANDERS

Really? Okay, great, Ill go get my

pillow.

ANDERS HOPS HAPPILY TOWARD HIS BEDROOM AND BLAKE AND JILLIAN QUIETLY LAUGH TO ONE ANOTHER.

ADAM AND KARL ARE CURLED UP ON THE SOFA TOGETHER. ADAM IS SCARED AND BURYING HIS FACE IN KARLS ARM.

INT. GUYS HOUSE - BLAKES BEDROOMANDERS IS LYING ON THE FLOOR, WHILE JILLIAN AND BLAKE SHARING THE DOG BED THAT THEYVE SET ON TOP OF BLAKES BED.

ANDERS

We had some fun tonight, didnt we

guys?

"Epidode Title" 20.

BLAKE(sarcastic)

Oh, yeah.

ANDERS

I mean, sure, Getting Even With Dad

wouldve made it more fun, but It was

okay too. It wasnt too scary.

JILLIAN(sarcastic)

I agree with you.

JILLIAN AND BLAKE GIGGLE.

ANDERS YAWNS.

ANDERS

Goodnight, guys. See you in the A.M.

ANDERS PUTS ON HIS SLEEP MASK AND FALLS ASLEEP.

THE NEXT THING WE SEE IS WHAT ANDERS SEES. ITS PITCH BLACK AND THERE IS LAUGHTER ALL AROUND HIM. HE TAKES OFF HIS SLEEP MASK AND FINDS JILLIAN RUBBING A HOT DOG COATED IN MAYONNAISE ON HIS FACE.

ANDERS KNOCKS THE HOT DOG AWAY AND IT LANDS ON BLAKES BED.

BLAKE

What the hell, man? You got mayo on

my bed.

ANDERS

You guys are mean!

JILLIAN

It was a joke!

ANDERS

Well then I guess I dont get it,

cause its not funny to me.

"Epidode Title" 21.

ANDERS LEAVES THE ROOM IN A HUFF, WHILE BLAKE AND JILLIAN LAUGH THEIR BUTTS OFF.

INT. GUYS HOUSE - LIVING ROOMANDERS GETS ON HIS HANDS AND KNEES AND CRAWLS TOWARD THE LIVING ROOM. HE SITS UP AGAINST THE COUCH AND CRIES. THEN HE HEARS ADAM AND KARL TALKING. THEYRE PLAYING A VIDEO GAME AND ADAM IS GETTING FUSSY.

ADAM

Please dont hit me with a red shell

this time. This is my first time in

third place and so please just dont.

ADAM YELLS. HES CLEARLY BEEN HIT BY A RED SHELL.

ADAM (CONTD)

I asked nicely!

ADAM BITES KARL. KARL SCREAMS, THEN BITES ADAM BACK AND ADAM SCREAMS.

ADAM (CONTD)

I hate you!

KARL

Youre fat!

ADAM

What? I am?

KARL

Everyone thinks so.

ADAM STARTS TO CRY.

KARL (CONTD)

Aww, baby gonna cry now?

ADAM

No! No! I can cry on cue. Im

crying on purpose to mess with you.

"Epidode Title" 22.

KARL

What? Really?

ANDERS STANDS UP FROM BEHIND THE COUCH.

ANDERS

Hey, Karl, pick on someone your own

size. I mean, not cause youre fat,

Adam, just.. Just stop picking on

Adam.

KARL

What are you gonna do about it, huh,

fartknocker?

ANDERS

I...I...

KARL

Is that semen on your face?

ANDERS WIPES THE REMAINING MAYONNAISE OFF HIS FACE.

KARL (CONTD)

Im outta here. You guys are weirdos.

KARL WALKS TOWARD THE DOOR AND ADAM RUNS TO HIM.

ADAM

Wait a minute, Karl.

KARL TURNS AROUND.

KARL

What is it?

ADAM

Who are your friends?

"Epidode Title" 23.

KARL

Huh?

ADAM

Name all of your friends.

KARL

Um, lets see...Derek, Creature,

Hambone, Xavier, Mr. Kibbens, and all

the guys in the hobo circle I run in.

ADAM

Anyone else?

KARL

Lets see...No.

ADAM

Are you sure?

KARL

Yep. Bye.

KARL WALKS OUT OF THE DOOR AND ADAM STARTS TO CRY. ANDERS WALKS OVER AND GIVES HIM A HUG.

ANDERS

You dont have to feel ashamed of

crying, Adam. You know why?

ADAM

Why?

ANDERS

Cause I was crying too.

ADAM

You were?

"Epidode Title" 24.

ANDERS

Yeah, I was. What do you say we have

ourselves an ice-cream party?

ADAM

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

ADAM GOES TOWARD THE KITCHEN AND ANDERS DOES TOO, BUT HE HESITATES.

ANDERS

You go on and get started without me.

Theres something I have to do first.

INT. GUYS HOUSE - BLAKES BEDROOMBLAKE AND JILLIAN ARE PLAYING A CLAPPING GAME, MISS MARY MACK, ON THE BED WHEN ANDERS OPENS THE DOOR.

ANDERS

I know youre sick of me right now,

Blake, and thats fine, but...Karls

gone.

BLAKE

We got our Adam back?

ANDERS

We got our Adam back. Ice-cream?

BLAKE

Hell yeah.

THEY START TO WALK OUT OF THE ROOM TOGETHER.

ANDERS

What about Jillian?

BLAKE

Who cares about Jillian? We got our

Adam back.

"Epidode Title" 25.

JILLIAN CLASPS HER HANDS TOGETHER BENEATH HER CHIN AND BEAMS WITH JOY AT THEIR REUNION.

INT. GUYS HOUSE - KITCHENTHE BOYS ARE MAKING ICE-CREAMS WITH FANCY TOPPINGS. THEY ARE BONDING BIG TIME. THEYRE NOT TALKING, JUST SMILING, LAUGHING, AND GOOFING AROUND WITH ONE ANOTHER.

ADAM

That was weird when you had semen on

your face.

EXT. GUYS HOUSE - ROOFANDERS, ADAM, AND BLAKE ARE PASSED OUT ON THE ROOF, ICE-CREAM COATING THEIR FACES. WE PAN OUT AND SEE THAT THEIR BODIES ARE CREATING THE SHAPE OF A HEART.

END OF EPISODE

"Epidode Title" 26.