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[Alarm beeping]

2

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Aah!

3

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Morning, Champ.

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[Laughs]

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Funny how things...

Work out.

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♪ I need a fix ♪

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♪ I need to fix my ignition ♪

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Flower power, dude.

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Anders,

why are you messing around?

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We're gonna be late for work.

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What is going on?

Why are you guys doing this?

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Why do I love my mom so much?

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Why do kids start

at different reading levels?

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Why are girls pretty?

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Why do I get sleepy

after I touch myself?

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No more pranks, okay?

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We're not in college anymore.

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We're grown-ups!

So act like it.

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Just--just act

like grown-ups, please, okay?

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Thank you.

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Ow!

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Oh, this is not even funny!

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Oh, what, are you gonna break

on through to the other side?

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Jim morrison?

The doors?

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'Cause of the...

There's a door frame.

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And the...

'Cause if y--

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[hip-hop <i>America the beautiful]</i>

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♪ ♪

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Hey, buddy.

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Hey, can you get your dad's

credit card out?

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Yeah, there you go.

Chief.

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Does it start with a four?

Guys.

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Jesus.

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Can I call you back?

They hung up.

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Thanks, Jillian.

Every time.

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I'm really sorry, you guys.

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I just--I haven't

really been the same

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since Michael Jackson

died in that knife fight.

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Mm, that's what big media

wants you to think.

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He's on a beach with Brad Renfro

and heath ledger

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drinking beers.

This guy.

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Look it up.

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Oh, in other news,

I overheard Alice say

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that she's gonna create

a senior sales position.

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It's a pay raise,

it's health insurance,

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and a key

to the executive bathroom.

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Basically a pay bump

and a comfy dump.

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Wow. Gross.

Why are you telling us this?

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'Cause I think one of you guys

could totally get it.

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Really?

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Yeah, you guys have been here

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for, like, forever,

and you're not waymond.

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Can I help you?

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A pay raise.

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Sounds like someone's finally

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gonna get that 401k started.

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- Oh.

- What's a 401k?

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I'm glad you asked.

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Basically, it's a

retirement plan so you can...

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Oh, no.

Never mind.

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Totally thought it was a laser.

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Okay, can I talk now?

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Because with my pay raise,

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I get a flying squirrel suit

to go base jumping with,

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and that health insurance?

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Ooh, boy!

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I wouldn't mind

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taking a growler

in that executive bathroom,

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but, uh,

not the promotion thing.

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You know, mo' money,

mo' problems.

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Why don't we all just

be honest with each other?

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We all want the promotion.

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- No, I really don't.

- I do.

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But only one of us can get it,

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so let's make a supportive

thing happen here.

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Sure, I can--

we can do that,

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'cause we are

kings of friendship.

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- Exactly.

- Friendship titans.

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Yeah, I think the only

promotion I'm interested in

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is promoting you guys to

generals in my friendship army.

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Yes, sir.

Well said.

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'Cause in no way is that,

Alice,

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gonna affect this.

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'Cause this right here, bros,

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is why I love coming to work,

hanging out with my partners.

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My chiefs.

Best friends for life.

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You'd have to be

a real scumbag to mess that up.

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The thing everyone

hates about Anders

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is his disrespect for women,

you know?

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He treats chicks

like second-grade citizens.

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And they're not.

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Natalie Portman

went to Harvard,

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and she's smart as [Bleep].

She's super smart.

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How did you get in here?

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If I were Anders,

I'd punch you in the face

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for asking something like that.

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But I'm not.

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Thank God I'm Adam

and I love women.

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All women.

All shapes and sizes.

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I just love 'em.

Love 'em.

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Blake asked me the other day

how to spell "if."

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Gonna trust

that level of smartness

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with a multi-thousand-

dollar corp?

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Adam, I think we're done.

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Oh, and, Alice, it's...

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I-f.

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"I," if you didn't know.

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I hate my life.

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Hey, Alice,

do you have a second?

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For you?

No.

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Okay, I'll be really quick.

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Uh, I put together a binder

of new sales techniques

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that I've been using

on my calls,

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and they've turned out

to be super fruitful.

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You know I don't like people

going off my script.

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Alice, Mr. Benson's

on the line.

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I just think we

could do better.

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Please take a look

at my binder.

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[Sighs]

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All right, I'm pretty sure these

numbers are wildly inaccurate.

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But put together a powerpoint,

and I'll look at it or whatever.

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Okay. I'll work on it

over lunch.

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You're not

gonna be disappointed.

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Did you want this, uh,

open or closed?

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- Hi, Mr. Benson.

- Did you want this open, or--?

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Oh, halfway.

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Uh, yeah,

did you get those numbers?

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Right.

They look good, huh?

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Oh!

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Yeah, but imagine it

way, way hairier.

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Oh, man.

That--that's a problem.

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- Right?

- Got to see that in person.

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Oh, well, well, well.

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Look what we got here.

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Blake schmoozing with the help.

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Think your way to the top's

through the bottom, buddy?

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I vote wrong.

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Adam, I don't want

that stupid promotion.

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I already told you.

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Yeah, okay, Blake, and your

hair doesn't look like a wig.

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Guess what. It does.

Everyone thinks so.

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We're all talking about it.

I don't think so.

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Let's just consider me having

this promotion locked up.

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I just talked with Alice.

It's pretty official.

145

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Tales from

an alternate universe

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00:05:32,550 --> 00:05:34,690

as told by Adam devine.

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I don't know what that means,

Jillian.

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It means Anders pretty much

has this sewn up.

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00:05:38,630 --> 00:05:41,090

Did you see that binder

he showed Alice?

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00:05:41,130 --> 00:05:43,000

Oh, my gosh.

It had graphs. In color.

151

00:05:43,030 --> 00:05:44,460

Wow, color, graphs.

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00:05:44,500 --> 00:05:47,200

I did that when

I was in 11th grade, I think.

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00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:48,700

Well, it impressed Alice,

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'cause she wants to see

a powerpoint right after lunch.

155

00:05:50,510 --> 00:05:52,210

So good for him, right?

Yeah.

156

00:05:52,240 --> 00:05:55,840

Man, I love him.

♪ for he's a jolly good fellow ♪

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And nobody can--

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nobody--

but I can--

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- mm-hmm.

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00:06:01,250 --> 00:06:02,350

Nobody c--

I'll get this.

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- Okay.

- But I...Can...

162

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I'm gonna look up those lyrics.

163

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- You got it.

- All right.

164

00:06:08,860 --> 00:06:10,060

- That was good.

- Bye, Blake.

165

00:06:10,090 --> 00:06:11,520

- Bye, Jillian.

- See you, Adam.

166

00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:13,190

Bye.

167

00:06:13,230 --> 00:06:16,560

So ders is doing

actual work, huh?

168

00:06:16,600 --> 00:06:19,060

That is cheating, dude, right?

169

00:06:19,100 --> 00:06:21,000

We cannot let him

get this promotion.

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00:06:21,030 --> 00:06:23,370

Um, nope. You're not roping me

into this one, bud.

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00:06:23,400 --> 00:06:24,640

Blake, you are roped.

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00:06:24,670 --> 00:06:26,340

You are fully roped,

young calf.

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00:06:26,370 --> 00:06:28,640

Could you imagine

ders being your boss?

174

00:06:28,670 --> 00:06:30,740

Actually,

I didn't think of that.

175

00:06:30,780 --> 00:06:32,480

You know, I'm gonna be

a much cooler boss than him.

176

00:06:32,510 --> 00:06:34,080

Executive bathroom?

177

00:06:34,110 --> 00:06:36,010

More like Blake's personal

masturbating chamber.

178

00:06:36,050 --> 00:06:38,050

Oh, I'd like that.

179

00:06:38,080 --> 00:06:41,190

Yeah, me too!

And so it is written.

180

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Let us form an alliance.

181

00:06:43,360 --> 00:06:45,720

Like, uh, Woody

and buzz lightyear, right?

182

00:06:45,760 --> 00:06:47,230

Yeah, okay.

To infinity.

183

00:06:47,260 --> 00:06:48,730

And beyond.

184

00:06:48,760 --> 00:06:50,700

Ah, ha.

That was easy.

185

00:06:50,730 --> 00:06:52,200

Yeah, well, I'm a pushover.

186

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Hey, big guy.

187

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We're about to go out

and get that new,

188

00:07:02,160 --> 00:07:04,200

triple bacon, double mushroom,

Swiss melt burger.

189

00:07:04,230 --> 00:07:05,970

Oh, great. Yeah, that--

that sounds good.

190

00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:07,240

I can't go.

191

00:07:07,270 --> 00:07:09,140

I got this

lunchtime spinning class

192

00:07:09,170 --> 00:07:10,410

that I'm gonna go to instead.

193

00:07:10,440 --> 00:07:11,640

You know, bust some cardio.

194

00:07:11,670 --> 00:07:13,070

Oh, for sure.

Got to stay tight.

195

00:07:13,110 --> 00:07:14,140

Know what I mean?

Yeah.

196

00:07:14,180 --> 00:07:15,610

- We get that.

- Right.

197

00:07:15,640 --> 00:07:17,550

- Know all about staying tight.

- Right. Got to.

198

00:07:17,580 --> 00:07:19,310

Look a little loose

in the cage, brother.

199

00:07:19,350 --> 00:07:20,510

No, I'm not.

You are.

200

00:07:20,550 --> 00:07:21,820

Hey, we'll let you know

201

00:07:21,850 --> 00:07:23,150

how the triple bacon,

double mushroom,

202

00:07:23,190 --> 00:07:24,950

Swiss melt burger goes.

Great.

203

00:07:24,990 --> 00:07:29,120

All right. It's time

to handle the scandal, Blake.

204

00:07:29,160 --> 00:07:30,920

Yes, and by scandal you mean

205

00:07:30,960 --> 00:07:32,960

triple bacon, double mushroom,

Swiss melt burger.

206

00:07:32,990 --> 00:07:35,000

No, right now we have

to ruin ders

207

00:07:35,030 --> 00:07:36,730

and all that he stands for.

208

00:07:36,770 --> 00:07:39,470

And then get the triple bacon,

double mushroom,

209

00:07:39,500 --> 00:07:40,870

Swiss melt burger.

210

00:07:40,900 --> 00:07:42,470

You don't even

like mushrooms, Blake.

211

00:07:42,500 --> 00:07:45,370

I know.

I get it without mushrooms.

212

00:07:45,410 --> 00:07:47,640

Greetings and welcome.

213

00:07:47,680 --> 00:07:49,940

When I was nine years old,

I took a fishing trip,

214

00:07:49,980 --> 00:07:51,610

and I was stopped

by a native American man,

215

00:07:51,650 --> 00:07:53,050

and he said, "who--

216

00:07:53,080 --> 00:07:54,580

- what the [Bleep]

Are you talking about?

217

00:07:54,620 --> 00:07:57,220

I know that this

is a really big deal for you,

218

00:07:57,250 --> 00:07:58,850

but it's such a minor

part of my day,

219

00:07:58,890 --> 00:08:01,690

so can we please just hurry up?

220

00:08:01,720 --> 00:08:03,390

P.S. Good luck.

I'm rooting for you, stretch.

221

00:08:03,420 --> 00:08:07,030

Thank you. Enjoy.

222

00:08:07,060 --> 00:08:08,260

[Computer beeps]

223

00:08:08,300 --> 00:08:10,160

My name is Anders,

224

00:08:10,200 --> 00:08:12,170

and these are my super-weird

ideas for telemericore.

225

00:08:12,200 --> 00:08:14,200

Computers made of--

I'm such a weirdo...

226

00:08:14,240 --> 00:08:15,670

Are those--

are those your nipples?

227

00:08:15,700 --> 00:08:17,470

What? No!

No, no, no.

228

00:08:17,510 --> 00:08:19,110

No, no, no, they're not.

229

00:08:19,140 --> 00:08:20,710

Is this a joke?

230

00:08:20,740 --> 00:08:22,540

Just...

This isn't--I'm sorry.

231

00:08:22,580 --> 00:08:23,780

It's a malfunction.

232

00:08:23,810 --> 00:08:26,440

Shh! Shh!

It seems like grade-a stuff.

233

00:08:26,480 --> 00:08:28,510

Come back, uh, in 12 minutes.

234

00:08:28,550 --> 00:08:31,280

Look, Anders,

no, just end--

235

00:08:31,320 --> 00:08:33,720

Anders, look,

I have a sense of humor, okay?

236

00:08:33,750 --> 00:08:35,290

I really do, okay?

237

00:08:35,320 --> 00:08:37,720

I'm funnier than everyone else

in this office.

238

00:08:37,760 --> 00:08:38,960

It's true.

239

00:08:38,990 --> 00:08:40,790

But I laugh when

it's appropriate, okay?

240

00:08:40,830 --> 00:08:43,260

Nights, weekends.

I'll laugh all Sunday long.

241

00:08:43,300 --> 00:08:45,560

I've seen adult swim.

I get alternative comedy.

242

00:08:45,600 --> 00:08:47,400

- Let me just--

- No, we're done.

243

00:08:47,430 --> 00:08:50,030

We're done.

244

00:08:50,070 --> 00:08:51,770

Hey.

245

00:08:51,800 --> 00:08:55,610

With radical change

comes indignation, okay?

246

00:08:55,640 --> 00:08:57,710

Not everyone's gonna get it.

247

00:08:57,740 --> 00:08:59,810

Guess who does get it.

248

00:08:59,850 --> 00:09:01,550

You want to take a guess?

249

00:09:01,580 --> 00:09:03,210

[Sighs]

Do you get it?

250

00:09:03,250 --> 00:09:04,250

Yeah, I get it.

251

00:09:04,280 --> 00:09:05,650

I'm gonna go talk to her.

252

00:09:05,680 --> 00:09:07,320

- No.

- I'm gonna make this happen.

253

00:09:07,350 --> 00:09:09,420

- Jillian, don't.

- I'm gonna do it.

254

00:09:09,450 --> 00:09:12,590

Oh, ho ho!

255

00:09:12,620 --> 00:09:14,060

Looks like you're gonna

have a hard time

256

00:09:14,090 --> 00:09:15,830

getting that promotion now,

dude.

257

00:09:15,860 --> 00:09:18,560

Maybe your weird nipples

can put in a good word for you.

258

00:09:18,600 --> 00:09:20,730

Yeah, remember? Because

your nipples were talking.

259

00:09:20,770 --> 00:09:22,100

Mm-hmm.

260

00:09:22,130 --> 00:09:24,500

Oh, man, we handled you

something fierce.

261

00:09:24,540 --> 00:09:25,740

How's that make you feel?

262

00:09:25,770 --> 00:09:26,900

Yeah, honestly, that hurts.

263

00:09:26,940 --> 00:09:29,240

It hurts pretty bad.

264

00:09:29,270 --> 00:09:30,640

I mean, so break something.

265

00:09:30,680 --> 00:09:32,140

Go crazy.

Come on. It's cool.

266

00:09:32,180 --> 00:09:33,950

You know, at the house,

I get it.

267

00:09:33,980 --> 00:09:35,250

It's fair.

268

00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:36,680

But when you bring it

into the office,

269

00:09:36,720 --> 00:09:38,020

you're crossing a line, okay?

270

00:09:38,050 --> 00:09:39,620

You're messing with my job.

271

00:09:39,650 --> 00:09:42,520

But if you guys want

to step on me to get ahead,

272

00:09:42,560 --> 00:09:45,490

that's fine, but why would I

want to be your friend?

273

00:09:45,530 --> 00:09:46,930

Anders, it was just

an awesome prank

274

00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:49,100

that was super well crafted.

Thank you.

275

00:09:49,130 --> 00:09:50,470

No, man.

276

00:09:50,500 --> 00:09:52,730

I don't want anything

to do with you guys anymore.

277

00:09:52,770 --> 00:09:55,670

All right? I'm putting my two

weeks in and I'm moving out.

278

00:09:55,700 --> 00:09:58,810

What?

279

00:09:58,840 --> 00:10:02,380

I won't continue

to live in fear.

280

00:10:04,510 --> 00:10:06,810

- Okay.

- Wow.

281

00:10:06,850 --> 00:10:08,380

Ders.

282

00:10:08,420 --> 00:10:09,550

Come on, dude.

283

00:10:09,590 --> 00:10:10,620

You can't just move out.

284

00:10:10,650 --> 00:10:12,490

Not without talking about it.

285

00:10:12,520 --> 00:10:14,220

Look, all right,

we took it too far today,

286

00:10:14,260 --> 00:10:15,660

but we're really, really sorry.

287

00:10:15,690 --> 00:10:17,460

Right, Adam?

288

00:10:17,490 --> 00:10:18,990

Adam?

289

00:10:19,030 --> 00:10:21,360

Yeah.

I'm so sorry, Anders.

290

00:10:21,400 --> 00:10:24,370

God, I'm sorry.

For what we've done.

291

00:10:24,400 --> 00:10:25,970

Are you serious?

292

00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:29,640

Said we're sorry, dude.

What more do you want?

293

00:10:29,670 --> 00:10:31,570

Is he really moving out

right now?

294

00:10:31,610 --> 00:10:35,380

Yes. This stupid promotion's

gonna cost us our best friend.

295

00:10:35,410 --> 00:10:37,080

And rent split two ways

296

00:10:37,110 --> 00:10:38,850

is, like, three times

more expensive.

297

00:10:38,880 --> 00:10:40,380

Yeah.

298

00:10:40,420 --> 00:10:42,820

I think I'm actually

gonna miss him, you know?

299

00:10:42,850 --> 00:10:45,320

We got to get ders

that promotion.

300

00:10:45,350 --> 00:10:48,390

Or we can just

give me the promotion

301

00:10:48,420 --> 00:10:52,130

because I'm the best

and ders sucks, right?

302

00:10:52,160 --> 00:10:54,360

No.

We'll blow our interviews.

303

00:10:54,400 --> 00:10:55,730

That way Alice will know

304

00:10:55,770 --> 00:10:57,100

ders is the only man

for the job.

305

00:10:57,130 --> 00:10:59,070

Yes. I like that plan

better than mine.

306

00:10:59,100 --> 00:11:01,340

All right, buzz,

what do you say? To infinity...

307

00:11:01,370 --> 00:11:02,340

I'm Woody.

308

00:11:02,370 --> 00:11:03,770

- Wait.

- What?

309

00:11:03,810 --> 00:11:05,180

No.

No, you're definitely buzz.

310

00:11:05,210 --> 00:11:06,710

- No, I'm Woody.

- No, you're buzz.

311

00:11:06,750 --> 00:11:08,510

- Buzz is the astronaut?

- Tim Allen.

312

00:11:08,550 --> 00:11:11,220

Okay, yeah, I'll be him.

He's cool. Beyond.

313

00:11:11,250 --> 00:11:13,490

Actually,

uh, I'm not really cool

314

00:11:13,520 --> 00:11:16,190

with the amount

of responsibility I have now.

315

00:11:16,220 --> 00:11:19,160

So if you wanted

to promote me down a peg,

316

00:11:19,190 --> 00:11:20,690

I'd be cool for that.

317

00:11:20,730 --> 00:11:22,360

This isn't my style, you know?

318

00:11:22,400 --> 00:11:24,160

Anders would love

something like this.

319

00:11:24,200 --> 00:11:26,900

Something this small.

Of this magnitude.

320

00:11:26,930 --> 00:11:29,970

I'm not sure I would be

the number one pick

321

00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:32,370

to be...

To be a boss around here,

322

00:11:32,410 --> 00:11:35,040

because I think you

would find me snacking a lot.

323

00:11:35,080 --> 00:11:36,140

Did you see the charts?

324

00:11:36,180 --> 00:11:37,510

Have you seen him in a suit?

325

00:11:37,540 --> 00:11:39,010

He's gonna

keep his hair forever.

326

00:11:39,050 --> 00:11:40,710

I was mowing the yard

without tennis shoes.

327

00:11:40,750 --> 00:11:43,650

And ders came out

with my tennis shoes.

328

00:11:43,680 --> 00:11:44,780

[Imitates flatulence]

329

00:11:44,820 --> 00:11:46,150

He put them on my feet for me

330

00:11:46,190 --> 00:11:48,320

because I was having

sciatica pain.

331

00:11:48,360 --> 00:11:49,560

This is awesome.

332

00:11:49,590 --> 00:11:50,720

Oh, oh, he's biting my dick!

333

00:11:50,760 --> 00:11:51,790

[Laughs]

334

00:11:51,830 --> 00:11:52,990

Choose Anders.

Okay.

335

00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:57,500

Hey.

336

00:11:57,530 --> 00:11:59,100

Yo.

337

00:11:59,130 --> 00:12:00,900

Hi.

338

00:12:00,930 --> 00:12:04,440

So I, uh, got the promotion.

339

00:12:04,470 --> 00:12:06,340

- Yes!

- That's great.

340

00:12:06,370 --> 00:12:08,110

I am so proud of you.

341

00:12:08,140 --> 00:12:09,770

Congratulations.

342

00:12:09,810 --> 00:12:11,210

Great.

343

00:12:11,240 --> 00:12:12,440

Alice told me you guys

put in a good word,

344

00:12:12,480 --> 00:12:13,510

so I appreciate it.

345

00:12:13,550 --> 00:12:15,380

Nah, it was all you, buddy.

346

00:12:15,410 --> 00:12:18,920

Yeah, we did help out a lot,

but it was you.

347

00:12:18,950 --> 00:12:21,220

So?

Are you still moving out,

348

00:12:21,260 --> 00:12:23,260

or are we all good?

349

00:12:23,290 --> 00:12:26,060

[Laughs]

350

00:12:26,090 --> 00:12:28,800

This is just...

I want to savor this.

351

00:12:28,830 --> 00:12:30,800

Um, 'cause this is adorable.

352

00:12:30,830 --> 00:12:32,370

Yeah.

353

00:12:32,400 --> 00:12:33,430

What's adorable?

354

00:12:33,470 --> 00:12:35,900

Your tender innocence.

355

00:12:35,940 --> 00:12:38,110

His sweet naivete.

356

00:12:38,140 --> 00:12:39,470

What?

357

00:12:39,510 --> 00:12:42,610

I was never gonna move out,

you damn fools.

358

00:12:42,640 --> 00:12:43,940

[Laughs]

359

00:12:43,980 --> 00:12:46,750

It's called the long con, okay?

360

00:12:46,780 --> 00:12:47,980

You know, it's weird.

361

00:12:48,020 --> 00:12:49,480

For a second,

I thought you guys

362

00:12:49,520 --> 00:12:51,080

were gonna be smart fish,

go under the boat,

363

00:12:51,120 --> 00:12:52,820

but, no, you bit hard.

364

00:12:52,850 --> 00:12:54,220

Hook, line, and sinker.

365

00:12:54,250 --> 00:12:55,890

How long have you

been conning us for?

366

00:12:55,920 --> 00:12:57,860

Since, like,

yesterday at 3:00.

367

00:12:57,890 --> 00:13:00,160

- That's not long.

- Not long.

368

00:13:00,190 --> 00:13:02,230

Well, it's longer than

any con you've ever pulled.

369

00:13:02,260 --> 00:13:03,460

Uh, I've got a con

from last year

370

00:13:03,500 --> 00:13:04,460

you don't even know about.

371

00:13:04,500 --> 00:13:06,070

Ders, you were crying.

372

00:13:06,100 --> 00:13:07,570

Part of the con.

373

00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:08,800

Those were real tears.

374

00:13:08,840 --> 00:13:10,340

- Were they?

- Yeah, they were.

375

00:13:10,370 --> 00:13:12,310

It's like when you watch

Tupac videos online,

376

00:13:12,340 --> 00:13:15,110

and you're like, "we need

to start making some changes.

377

00:13:15,140 --> 00:13:16,910

Change the way we eat."

378

00:13:16,940 --> 00:13:18,480

Okay, for the record, we do.

379

00:13:18,510 --> 00:13:21,310

And things are gonna start

changing around here

380

00:13:21,350 --> 00:13:23,650

starting tomorrow.

381

00:13:28,290 --> 00:13:31,760

- Did he just--

- Yeah, he just Tupac walked us.

382

00:13:40,220 --> 00:13:41,720

20 minutes late.

383

00:13:41,750 --> 00:13:43,850

That doesn't make me

look good at all.

384

00:13:43,890 --> 00:13:45,090

Well, you took the car,

385

00:13:45,120 --> 00:13:46,250

so we had to share

my roller blades.

386

00:13:46,290 --> 00:13:47,920

Bosses ride alone.

387

00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:49,560

Nice suit, by the way.

388

00:13:49,590 --> 00:13:52,330

What, did you get drafted

by the Denver nuggets?

389

00:13:52,360 --> 00:13:54,600

Look like you're ready

to sell me a Honda sol.

390

00:13:54,630 --> 00:13:55,730

I'm the senior

sales associate now.

391

00:13:55,760 --> 00:13:57,370

Do you know what that means?

392

00:13:57,400 --> 00:14:00,400

That means I have jurisdiction

over the have-nots,

393

00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:02,440

the great unwashed, you guys.

394

00:14:02,470 --> 00:14:04,870

I'm your boss.

You have to follow my rules.

395

00:14:04,910 --> 00:14:06,770

Did you wet your hair down

to come talk to us?

396

00:14:06,810 --> 00:14:08,480

- I didn't wet--

- No, you did. Obviously.

397

00:14:08,510 --> 00:14:10,750

You obviously did.

398

00:14:10,780 --> 00:14:12,980

Why don't we go to my office,

okay?

399

00:14:13,020 --> 00:14:14,950

You guys can see

my ergonomic keyboard,

400

00:14:14,990 --> 00:14:16,790

my wireless mouse,

401

00:14:16,820 --> 00:14:18,420

and I'm gonna think

of all sorts of thininings

402

00:14:18,460 --> 00:14:19,820

for you guys to do today.

403

00:14:19,860 --> 00:14:23,530

Are my worker bees

ready to buzz the hive?

404

00:14:23,560 --> 00:14:24,730

Yeah, back and forth.

Short strokes.

405

00:14:24,760 --> 00:14:26,100

Make sure you feel the bristles

406

00:14:26,130 --> 00:14:27,530

massaging the carpet.

407

00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:28,600

That's how you're gonna clean.

408

00:14:28,630 --> 00:14:29,600

Is that a personal call?

409

00:14:29,630 --> 00:14:30,970

Please hang it up.

410

00:14:31,000 --> 00:14:32,670

I've been promoted!

411

00:14:32,700 --> 00:14:34,270

See the suit?

412

00:14:34,300 --> 00:14:35,340

You getting in there?

413

00:14:35,370 --> 00:14:36,500

Yeah.

414

00:14:36,540 --> 00:14:38,570

Come on.

I want to hear it.

415

00:14:38,610 --> 00:14:40,910

Hey, Cynthia.

Is that a personal call?

416

00:14:40,940 --> 00:14:42,440

Please hang it up.

417

00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:45,710

Sit your ass down right now.

418

00:14:45,750 --> 00:14:47,450

Hang it up.

Hang it up.

419

00:14:47,480 --> 00:14:50,020

Great. Thanks.

Any sales today?

420

00:14:50,050 --> 00:14:54,220

I let Cynthia go today.

421

00:14:54,260 --> 00:14:55,530

That was rough.

422

00:15:02,530 --> 00:15:04,440

Oh, guys.

423

00:15:04,470 --> 00:15:06,470

Still working hard.

424

00:15:06,500 --> 00:15:08,470

That shows a lot of fortitude.

425

00:15:08,510 --> 00:15:10,440

That's gonna go

a long way with me.

426

00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:11,440

Really happy to see this.

427

00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:12,810

Oh, hey, Alice.

428

00:15:12,840 --> 00:15:14,950

You see these guys

just slaving away?

429

00:15:14,980 --> 00:15:16,310

Really being team players.

430

00:15:16,350 --> 00:15:18,350

Wow. Yeah.

Nobody cares.

431

00:15:18,380 --> 00:15:20,180

Look, um, the cutco reps

432

00:15:20,220 --> 00:15:21,790

are gonna be here

at 10:00 a.M. Tomorrow,

433

00:15:21,820 --> 00:15:23,390

so I need

the conference room prepped.

434

00:15:23,420 --> 00:15:24,660

Right. Okay.

435

00:15:24,690 --> 00:15:27,360

And lay off the styling gel,

Bradley Cooper.

436

00:15:27,390 --> 00:15:30,630

Wow. Bradley Cooper.

Thank you.

437

00:15:30,660 --> 00:15:31,630

You hear that?

438

00:15:31,660 --> 00:15:34,000

Um, look, to celebrate today

439

00:15:34,030 --> 00:15:36,370

and the long and fruitful

relationship

440

00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:37,840

we're going to have,

441

00:15:37,870 --> 00:15:40,470

I clocked a resie at

a chic little bistro uptown,

442

00:15:40,510 --> 00:15:42,710

so tuck your shirts in.

443

00:15:42,740 --> 00:15:45,910

It's a hip crowd.

444

00:15:45,950 --> 00:15:47,150

[Baby cries]

445

00:15:47,180 --> 00:15:48,680

How about that meatloaf, Blake?

446

00:15:48,720 --> 00:15:50,420

Pretty good after

you slather it in ketchup.

447

00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:51,880

Yeah?

Well, chowhound said

448

00:15:51,920 --> 00:15:53,690

it's decadent and moist

enough, so...

449

00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:55,190

They nailed that, man.

450

00:15:55,220 --> 00:15:56,650

Are you guys sure you don't

want any of these egg rolls?

451

00:15:56,690 --> 00:15:59,420

They're Texas Mexican.

No. Stuffed, boss.

452

00:15:59,460 --> 00:16:01,160

Yeah, let's just get

some more drinks, huh?

453

00:16:01,190 --> 00:16:04,060

That's what I'm talking about.

Garcon?

454

00:16:04,100 --> 00:16:05,930

[Whistles]

Where is this guy?

455

00:16:05,960 --> 00:16:06,930

Yes, sir.

456

00:16:06,960 --> 00:16:08,900

"Sir."

I love this kid.

457

00:16:08,930 --> 00:16:11,800

Uh, first of all, I'd like

to see the chef face to face.

458

00:16:11,840 --> 00:16:14,540

These are the best cajun chicken

niblets I've ever had.

459

00:16:14,570 --> 00:16:16,410

Uh, yeah.

460

00:16:16,440 --> 00:16:17,940

- Great. Hey.

[Whistles]

461

00:16:17,980 --> 00:16:19,780

Um, also, we're gonna

want to get dessert.

462

00:16:19,810 --> 00:16:21,810

I'm wondering

which wine pairs best

463

00:16:21,850 --> 00:16:23,880

with the oreo cheesecake.

464

00:16:23,920 --> 00:16:25,420

I don't--

I wouldn't know that.

465

00:16:25,450 --> 00:16:27,180

You don't know.

466

00:16:27,220 --> 00:16:29,990

Okay, perhaps you should

send over the house Somalian.

467

00:16:30,020 --> 00:16:31,960

Uh, Greg is from Nigeria.

468

00:16:31,990 --> 00:16:33,260

No, I don't mean Craig.

469

00:16:33,290 --> 00:16:34,660

I don't see how this helps us.

470

00:16:34,690 --> 00:16:36,730

I just want cheesecake

with a good wine.

471

00:16:36,760 --> 00:16:39,460

Okay, let's skip dessert and

just get some more drinks, huh?

472

00:16:39,500 --> 00:16:41,130

Yeah, we got

some celebrating to do.

473

00:16:41,170 --> 00:16:42,330

Indeed.

474

00:16:42,370 --> 00:16:44,030

So, uh, ders, come on,

475

00:16:44,070 --> 00:16:46,240

tell us what's it like

to be on top of the world.

476

00:16:46,270 --> 00:16:47,510

Honestly, this is great.

477

00:16:47,540 --> 00:16:50,210

I feel terrific.

I look great.

478

00:16:50,240 --> 00:16:52,180

Wearing a suit to the office,

no joke,

479

00:16:52,210 --> 00:16:54,680

it makes you better than

everyone else there.

480

00:16:54,710 --> 00:16:57,320

To our best friend,

who we'll never betray. Ever.

481

00:16:57,350 --> 00:16:58,780

Let's talk business, guys.

482

00:16:58,820 --> 00:17:00,850

Are you guys familiar

with vertical integration?

483

00:17:00,890 --> 00:17:02,860

You got to look

at your bottom line.

484

00:17:02,890 --> 00:17:04,490

There's net,

and there's <i>net</i> net.

485

00:17:04,520 --> 00:17:06,830

Here's the thing.

Now that I'm in charge,

486

00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:08,830

get on my coattails.

487

00:17:08,860 --> 00:17:10,800

You can't be messing around

at the office.

488

00:17:10,830 --> 00:17:11,900

I look at it this way.

489

00:17:11,930 --> 00:17:14,270

Promotion, car, wife.

490

00:17:14,300 --> 00:17:16,630

We're gonna change things up

around the office.

491

00:17:16,670 --> 00:17:19,600

I'm gonna let Alice know

who's in charge now.

492

00:17:19,640 --> 00:17:20,840

Let's keep things the same.

493

00:17:20,870 --> 00:17:23,040

Oh, my God!

What is this?

494

00:17:23,080 --> 00:17:25,110

That's what we call

diversifying.

495

00:17:25,140 --> 00:17:26,750

Do you even know karate?

496

00:17:26,780 --> 00:17:28,350

Two, three...

497

00:17:28,380 --> 00:17:29,550

Get used to this.

498

00:17:29,580 --> 00:17:34,050

[Belches loudly]

499

00:17:34,090 --> 00:17:36,220

I'm gonna go to the bathroom.

500

00:17:36,260 --> 00:17:39,790

Can a mother[Bleep]

Get the check, please?

501

00:17:39,830 --> 00:17:40,790

Who are you?

502

00:17:40,830 --> 00:17:42,400

You asked to see me.

503

00:17:42,430 --> 00:17:44,000

I made your

cajun chicken niblets.

504

00:17:44,030 --> 00:17:46,670

No, no, no.

505

00:17:46,700 --> 00:17:49,570

You made my year.

506

00:17:49,600 --> 00:17:51,700

You have a gift.

507

00:17:51,740 --> 00:17:53,710

And a super-dope hat.

508

00:17:53,740 --> 00:17:55,170

This is cool.

509

00:17:55,210 --> 00:17:58,880

All right, boys.

Let's go.

510

00:18:09,390 --> 00:18:10,690

[Screams]

511

00:18:18,260 --> 00:18:20,600

[Screams]

512

00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:24,100

[Grunts]

513

00:18:24,130 --> 00:18:26,630

Hi, are you the locksmith?

514

00:18:26,670 --> 00:18:28,040

I'm glad you think

it's hilarious,

515

00:18:28,070 --> 00:18:29,240

but I need to get it

off my neck!

516

00:18:29,270 --> 00:18:32,510

[Screams]

Come on!

517

00:18:35,440 --> 00:18:36,750

Okay.

518

00:18:36,780 --> 00:18:38,380

Looks like we got this

all settled up,

519

00:18:38,410 --> 00:18:40,780

so I'm gonna go ahead

and get two dozen

520

00:18:40,820 --> 00:18:43,420

throwing stars

out to your residence

521

00:18:43,450 --> 00:18:45,490

in bellevue, Nebraska.

522

00:18:45,520 --> 00:18:48,090

You're gonna enjoy that,

Mr. Johnson.

523

00:18:48,130 --> 00:18:50,490

Thank you.

Okay, I love you too. . Thanks.

524

00:18:50,530 --> 00:18:53,660

- Good morning.

- Whoa. You are late.

525

00:18:53,700 --> 00:18:55,960

Yes, because you stole my car.

526

00:18:56,000 --> 00:18:59,070

Well, bosses ride alone, right?

527

00:18:59,100 --> 00:19:00,670

I'm guessing you guys

528

00:19:00,700 --> 00:19:02,140

didn't bring the key to this

to the office.

529

00:19:02,170 --> 00:19:05,070

Uh, no,

actually the key is here.

530

00:19:05,110 --> 00:19:07,070

It's--it's in our cubicle.

531

00:19:07,110 --> 00:19:11,910

Yeah, and you're actually

pretty warm right now, Anders.

532

00:19:11,950 --> 00:19:14,580

Both:

Warmer.

533

00:19:14,620 --> 00:19:16,520

Yes. Yes. There we go.

The chase is on.

534

00:19:16,550 --> 00:19:18,420

There you go.

Anders on the hunt.

535

00:19:18,450 --> 00:19:20,020

You are warm.

Search, search, search.

536

00:19:20,060 --> 00:19:21,560

Keeping it warm.

537

00:19:21,590 --> 00:19:23,560

You're a little bit

cooled down.

538

00:19:23,590 --> 00:19:25,060

Guys, I have to prep

the conference room

539

00:19:25,100 --> 00:19:26,500

in, like, five seconds.

540

00:19:26,530 --> 00:19:27,770

Dude, you're really close.

541

00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:30,100

Yeah. Keep--

believe in yourself.

542

00:19:30,130 --> 00:19:31,100

[Clears throat]

543

00:19:31,140 --> 00:19:32,440

Hey, Alice.

544

00:19:32,470 --> 00:19:34,070

Anders.

545

00:19:34,110 --> 00:19:35,770

Morning.

546

00:19:35,810 --> 00:19:38,240

The, um, clients are here.

547

00:19:38,280 --> 00:19:40,950

Yeah. Hey.

Anders holmvic. Welcome.

548

00:19:40,980 --> 00:19:42,380

Interesting name.

Are you Finnish?

549

00:19:42,410 --> 00:19:44,450

No, sir.

I'm just getting started.

550

00:19:44,480 --> 00:19:46,050

[Nervous laughter]

551

00:19:46,080 --> 00:19:50,690

Okay, uh, Anders is our

newest sales representative.

552

00:19:50,720 --> 00:19:52,590

So...

553

00:19:52,620 --> 00:19:54,890

Why don't, um, you go ahead and

head into the conference room,

554

00:19:54,930 --> 00:19:56,730

and I'll meet you there

in just a minute, okay?

555

00:19:56,760 --> 00:19:58,830

Yeah, I was just gonna say

let's go to the conference room.

556

00:19:58,860 --> 00:20:00,760

No, you aren't going anywhere.

557

00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:03,170

I just want

to congratulate you, Anders,

558

00:20:03,200 --> 00:20:06,370

'cause you made it

24 whole hours.

559

00:20:06,400 --> 00:20:10,340

Give me the executive

bathroom key now.

560

00:20:13,940 --> 00:20:15,740

Anders, you have a...

561

00:20:15,780 --> 00:20:17,680

[Clears throat] A little...

562

00:20:17,710 --> 00:20:19,050

- Yeah.

- ...Bike lock right here.

563

00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:20,680

I know, Jillian.

564

00:20:20,720 --> 00:20:22,650

I could just tell

it was bothering Alice, so...

565

00:20:22,690 --> 00:20:23,850

- Yeah. Great.

- All right.

566

00:20:23,890 --> 00:20:25,320

Thanks a lot.

567

00:20:25,350 --> 00:20:27,290

Okay, you guys have won.

568

00:20:27,320 --> 00:20:29,760

Now please give me the keys.

569

00:20:29,790 --> 00:20:33,100

Both:

Colder.

570

00:20:33,130 --> 00:20:34,760

Colder.

571

00:20:34,800 --> 00:20:36,430

- Ooh.

- Ice cold.

572

00:20:36,470 --> 00:20:37,870

- Really cold.

- Oh, that is so cold.

573

00:20:37,900 --> 00:20:39,140

Wait a second.

574

00:20:39,170 --> 00:20:41,410

If this is the key

to the bathroom

575

00:20:41,440 --> 00:20:43,310

on the bike lock key chain,

576

00:20:43,340 --> 00:20:46,280

then that means

that you just gave away...

577

00:20:46,310 --> 00:20:48,280

Oh, you get it.

Now you get it.

578

00:20:48,310 --> 00:20:50,180

He's no dummy.

He's no dummy.

579

00:20:50,220 --> 00:20:51,980

We got you, bro!

580

00:20:52,020 --> 00:20:53,820

Those wheels are a-turning.

581

00:20:53,850 --> 00:20:55,220

Ders.

582

00:20:55,420 --> 00:20:57,820

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