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Wedding Planning

Wedding Planning

by Dominique Douglas, Bernadette Chapman, Marcy Blum and Laura Fisher Kaiser

Wedding Planning For Dummies®

Published by: John Wiley & Sons, Ltd., The Atrium, Southern Gate, Chichester, www.wiley.com

This edition first published 2014

© 2014 John Wiley & Sons, Ltd, Chichester, West Sussex.

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A catalogue record for this book is available from the British Library.

ISBN 978-1-118-69951-5 (paperback); ISBN 978-1-118-69948-5 (ebk); ISBN 978-1-118-69949-2 (ebk)

Printed in Great Britain by TJ International, Padstow, Cornwall

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Contents at a GlanceIntroduction ................................................................ 1

Part I: Getting Started with Wedding Planning .............. 5Chapter 1: First Things First ............................................................................................. 7Chapter 2: Avoiding Those Wedding-Bill Blues ........................................................... 21Chapter 3: Making It Legal .............................................................................................. 35

Part II: Preparing for Your Big Day ............................. 47Chapter 4: Finding the Perfect Venue ........................................................................... 49Chapter 5: Setting the Scene........................................................................................... 63Chapter 6: Flower Power ................................................................................................. 87Chapter 7: Planning a Destination Wedding ............................................................... 105Chapter 8: By Invitation Only ....................................................................................... 121Chapter 9: Toasters Are Banned!: Putting Together Your Gift List ......................... 147Chapter 10: Rings That Rock ........................................................................................ 159Chapter 11: And the Bride Wore . . . ............................................................................ 173Chapter 12: Attending to the Bridal Party .................................................................. 207Chapter 13: Partying Before and After the Wedding ................................................ 221

Part III: Ceremony Survival Guide ............................. 233Chapter 14: Creating a Foolproof Wedding-Day Schedule ........................................ 235Chapter 15: Sensational Ceremonies Part I: Choosing the Type of Ceremony ...... 245Chapter 16: Sensational Ceremonies Part II: Determining the Details .................... 257

Part IV: A Rousing Reception ................................... 281Chapter 17: What’s on the Menu? ................................................................................ 283Chapter 18: Let’s Drink to That .................................................................................... 303Chapter 19: A Piece of Cake .......................................................................................... 319Chapter 20: And the Band Played On .......................................................................... 329

Part V: Pics and Trips .............................................. 345Chapter 21: For Posterity: Photos and Videos ........................................................... 347Chapter 22: Handling the Honeymoon ........................................................................ 363

Part VI: The Part of Tens .......................................... 373Chapter 23: Ten Top Tips for Perfect Planning ......................................................... 375Chapter 24: Ten Tricks for Saving Money ................................................................... 381

Index ...................................................................... 385

Table of ContentsIntroduction ................................................................. 1

About This Book .............................................................................................. 1Foolish Assumptions ....................................................................................... 2Icons Used in This Book ................................................................................. 3Beyond the Book ............................................................................................. 3Where to Go from Here ................................................................................... 4

Part I: Getting Started with Wedding Planning ............... 5

Chapter 1: First Things First . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 7The ‘Ise’ Have It ............................................................................................... 7

Familiarise: Spreading the news .......................................................... 8Fantasise: Envisioning your dream wedding ...................................... 8Prioritise: Deciding what’s really important .................................... 10Visualise: Making a reality checklist ................................................. 10Organise: Breaking down the details without breaking down ....... 11Synchronise: Dispelling the timetable myth .................................... 12Deputise: Choosing your team ........................................................... 15

Working with a Wedding Planner ................................................................ 16Understanding different wedding-planning services ...................... 17Interviewing prospective planners .................................................... 18

Chapter 2: Avoiding Those Wedding-Bill Blues . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 21Love is a Money-Spender Thing ................................................................... 21Knowing What You Can Afford .................................................................... 22Start Spreadsheeting the News .................................................................... 23Controlling Costs ........................................................................................... 28Comprehending Contracts ........................................................................... 29

Making written contracts with suppliers .......................................... 29Forking out a little at a time................................................................ 31Covering your bash ............................................................................. 32

Bargain-Hunting Online ................................................................................. 32

Chapter 3: Making It Legal . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 35Registering Your Wedding: Understanding UK Law .................................. 35

Playing by the rules ............................................................................. 36Civil ceremonies ................................................................................... 36Faith weddings ..................................................................................... 38

Drawing Up a Prenup .................................................................................... 40

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Playing the Name Game ................................................................................ 41Deciding whether to change your name ........................................... 41Updating your records ........................................................................ 42

Unplanning a Wedding .................................................................................. 44Settling up ............................................................................................. 44Deciding who keeps the ring .............................................................. 45

Part II: Preparing for Your Big Day .............................. 47

Chapter 4: Finding the Perfect Venue . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 49Looking for Love in All the Right Places ..................................................... 49

Deciding on location ............................................................................ 50Considering popular choices ............................................................. 50Choosing between ‘on-premise’ and ‘off-premise’ ........................... 51Doing your homework ......................................................................... 51Vetting the venues ............................................................................... 52

Determining Whether You Need More Than One Space .......................... 53The turning of the room ...................................................................... 53Ceremony here, reception there ........................................................ 53

Taking a Space Walk ...................................................................................... 54Asking the right questions .................................................................. 54

Planning a Marquee Reception .................................................................... 56Locating a marquee site ...................................................................... 56Choosing your marquee ...................................................................... 57Covering all the bases ......................................................................... 59

Chapter 5: Setting the Scene . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 63Knowing What to Contemplate Before You Decorate ............................... 64Choosing a Wedding Designer ..................................................................... 66What’s in a Room? ......................................................................................... 67

First impressions ................................................................................. 67Up, down and all around: Ceilings, floors and walls ....................... 69The drinks reception area .................................................................. 71Dining area arrangement .................................................................... 73Chairs .................................................................................................... 76Tabletops .............................................................................................. 76Bathrooms ............................................................................................ 82Transitional spaces ............................................................................. 82

Making the Most of a Marquee .................................................................... 82Doing Your Guests a Favour ......................................................................... 83

Chapter 6: Flower Power . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 87Getting a Feel for What You Want ............................................................... 87Finding a Fab Florist ...................................................................................... 89Decorating the Ceremony Site ..................................................................... 90Choosing Personal Blooms ........................................................................... 93

Bride and attendants ........................................................................... 93Mothers, stepmothers, fathers’ girlfriends and others................... 95

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Grooms, ushers, stepfathers, mothers’ boyfriends and others ......... 96Little touches for little people ............................................................ 97

Decking Out Receptions ............................................................................... 98Making floral arrangements measure up .......................................... 98Styling your centrepieces ................................................................. 100Additional floral displays .................................................................. 101

Making Your Own Arrangements .............................................................. 101Keeping the Bloom On ................................................................................ 102

Chapter 7: Planning a Destination Wedding . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 105Understanding Why Couples Pick a Destination Wedding,

and Counting the Cost ............................................................................. 105Finding a Faraway Venue ............................................................................ 107Understanding the Legalities of Marrying Abroad .................................. 109Organising from a Distance ........................................................................ 111Checking Out a Typical Timeline ............................................................... 114Thinking About Your Guests ...................................................................... 115

Putting together the guest list .......................................................... 115Telling guests what they need to know........................................... 115Ensuring winning welcomes ............................................................. 119

Partying When You Get Home ................................................................... 120

Chapter 8: By Invitation Only . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 121Preliminary Planning ................................................................................... 122Formalities First ........................................................................................... 123

Creating formal invites ...................................................................... 123Sending announcements ................................................................... 130When things don’t go as planned .................................................... 132

How Else Can We Put This? ........................................................................ 132Striking a less-formal tone ................................................................ 134RSVP remedies ................................................................................... 136The non-printed invitation................................................................ 137

Sorting Invitations for Other Events ......................................................... 137Typefaces and Other Technicalities ......................................................... 138

Printing methods ............................................................................... 138Paper ................................................................................................... 139Fonts .................................................................................................... 140Ink colour ............................................................................................ 141Envelopes ............................................................................................ 141Proof it all night.................................................................................. 142

Creating Your Own Invitations .................................................................. 142Addressing Traditions ................................................................................ 143

Outer envelopes ................................................................................. 143Inner envelopes .................................................................................. 144Fit to be titled ..................................................................................... 145

It’s a Postage Thing ..................................................................................... 145

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Chapter 9: Toasters Are Banned!: Putting Together Your Gift List . . . . 147Retail Details ................................................................................................ 148Going Beyond Department Stores ............................................................. 150Surfing for Gifts ............................................................................................ 152Hinting and Hoping ...................................................................................... 152What We Really Want? Well, It Rhymes with Honey ............................... 153Keeping Track .............................................................................................. 155Giving Thanks .............................................................................................. 156Dealing with Problem Presents .................................................................. 157

Chapter 10: Rings That Rock . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 159Understanding Diamonds ........................................................................... 159

Cut ........................................................................................................ 160Colour .................................................................................................. 161Clarity .................................................................................................. 162Carat weight........................................................................................ 163The fifth C – cost ................................................................................ 163

If Diamonds Aren’t Your Best Friend ........................................................ 164Judging gemstones ............................................................................ 164Real or not real? That is the question ............................................. 165

Setting Pretty ................................................................................................ 165Metal Matters ............................................................................................... 167Equal Rights – Don’t Leave Out the Groom .............................................. 167Finding the Right Ring ................................................................................. 168

Buying new ......................................................................................... 168Analysing antique pieces .................................................................. 170

Chapter 11: And the Bride Wore . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 173Sizing Up Your Style .................................................................................... 174

Selecting the right silhouette ........................................................... 174Figuring out the neckline .................................................................. 177Negotiating arms ................................................................................ 178Looking behind you ........................................................................... 179Deciding what lengths you’ll go to .................................................. 180Considering a train ............................................................................ 181Choosing the right white................................................................... 183Feeling your way through fabrics .................................................... 184Getting a taste of the icing on the dress ......................................... 184

Getting the Goods ........................................................................................ 185Tracking down the dress .................................................................. 186Thinking about quality control ........................................................ 188Getting the right fit ............................................................................ 189

Delving Underneath the Dress ................................................................... 191A little bra-vado .................................................................................. 191Perfecting your proportions ............................................................. 192

Dressing Your Tippy-Toes .......................................................................... 192

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Getting a Heads-Up on Headwear .............................................................. 194Comparing types of veil .................................................................... 194Hats, headpieces, crowns and trinkets ........................................... 196

From Hair to Eternity .................................................................................. 197Making Your Face Wedding Proof ............................................................. 199Accessorising: The Finishing Touches ..................................................... 200

Covering up ........................................................................................ 200Going for hand-some gloves ............................................................. 201Selecting your jewellery .................................................................... 202Bagging it ............................................................................................ 202

Getting into the Dress ................................................................................. 202Caring for Your Dress After the Party ....................................................... 203

Preserving for posterity .................................................................... 203Recouping your investment ............................................................. 204

Chapter 12: Attending to the Bridal Party . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 207Choosing Your Entourage .......................................................................... 208Next Stop: Wardrobe ................................................................................... 210

Choosing bridesmaid dresses to please all .................................... 210Outfitting the guys ............................................................................. 212Making Mum look good ..................................................................... 218Dapper dads ....................................................................................... 219

Showing Your Appreciation ....................................................................... 219

Chapter 13: Partying Before and After the Wedding . . . . . . . . . . . . . 221Surprising Your Spouse-to-Be with a Special Proposal .......................... 221

Knowing the traditions ...................................................................... 222Preparing for the big day .................................................................. 222Five simple ideas ................................................................................ 223

Throwing an Engagement Party ................................................................. 225Showering the Bride .................................................................................... 226Reinventing the Stag Party ......................................................................... 227Planning the Hen Bash ................................................................................ 229Gathering for Pre-Wedding Celebrations .................................................. 230

Revving up: The rehearsal dinner.................................................... 230Coming together the evening before ............................................... 231

Wrapping Up the Day After ........................................................................ 232

Part III: Ceremony Survival Guide .............................. 233

Chapter 14: Creating a Foolproof Wedding-Day Schedule . . . . . . . . 235Putting Everyone on the Same Page .......................................................... 235Working Out Transportation Timings ....................................................... 236Creating the Master Schedule .................................................................... 238

Devising your schedule ..................................................................... 239Managing the schedule on wedding day ......................................... 242

Receiving-Line Logistics ............................................................................. 242

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Chapter 15: Sensational Ceremonies Part I: Choosing the Type of Ceremony . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 245

Going for a Civil Ceremony ......................................................................... 246Opting for a Religious Ceremony ............................................................... 247

Church of England ............................................................................. 248Hindu ................................................................................................... 250Jewish .................................................................................................. 251Muslim ................................................................................................. 252Roman Catholic .................................................................................. 252Sikhism ................................................................................................ 254

Chapter 16: Sensational Ceremonies Part II: Determining the Details . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 257

All Together, Vow! ....................................................................................... 257Thinking traditional ........................................................................... 258Going for contemporary.................................................................... 259

Getting Ideas for Readings .......................................................................... 260They’re Playing Our Song ........................................................................... 261

Music for the ceremony .................................................................... 261A soloist, a choir or something in-between? .................................. 262Now for the fun bit: Choosing the tunes ......................................... 265

Getting with the Programme: Producing the Order of Service .............. 269Places, Everyone – Time to Rehearse ....................................................... 277

Having a quick run-through .............................................................. 277Going over the rules and expectations ........................................... 278

Part IV: A Rousing Reception .................................... 281

Chapter 17: What’s on the Menu? . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 283Finding and Working with the Perfect Caterer ........................................ 283Savouring Your Options: From Concept to Taste ................................... 286

Setting up the tasting ........................................................................ 287Getting the best out of the tasting session ..................................... 287

Creating a Memorable Reception Meal ..................................................... 289Tucking into the postnuptial nibbles .............................................. 289Serving up a sumptuous sit-down meal .......................................... 290Bigging up buffets .............................................................................. 293

When Dinner is Not Served: Nibbles and Nosh for Other Times ........... 296Creating a winning selection of canapés......................................... 297Tea for two (hundred) ....................................................................... 299Other ways to munch: Breakfast, brunch or lunch ....................... 299Midnight munchies ............................................................................ 300

Considering Special Dietary Requirements .............................................. 300

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Chapter 18: Let’s Drink to That . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 303Tending Bar .................................................................................................. 303

Speaking in bar code ......................................................................... 303In-house pricing ................................................................................. 304Venue-only options ............................................................................ 306Liquid logistics ................................................................................... 308

Avoiding Traffic Jams .................................................................................. 310Considering the Bar Structure ................................................................... 311Specialty Drink Stations for Blithe Spirits ................................................ 312Selecting Wine, Beer and Champagne ....................................................... 314

Wining when dining ........................................................................... 314Don’t worry, beer hoppy ................................................................... 315Bring on the bubbly ........................................................................... 316

Chapter 19: A Piece of Cake . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 319Setting the Recipe for the Perfect Cake .................................................... 320

Finding a cake designer ..................................................................... 320Totting up tiers and toppers ............................................................ 321Selecting the confection .................................................................... 322Size matters ........................................................................................ 324Slicing and pricing ............................................................................. 325

Cake on Display: No Drooling, Please ....................................................... 326Cutting the Cake .......................................................................................... 327Saving the Top Tier ..................................................................................... 328

Chapter 20: And the Band Played On . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 329Setting the Tone ........................................................................................... 329

Welcoming guests to the drinks reception ..................................... 330Making a dramatic entrance into the wedding breakfast ............. 331Accompanying the wedding breakfast ............................................ 331Taking your first dance ..................................................................... 331Dancing with parents ........................................................................ 332Making special requests.................................................................... 333Dancing till dawn ............................................................................... 334

Booking the Band ........................................................................................ 334Tracking down bands ........................................................................ 334Shortlisting bands .............................................................................. 335Getting in tune .................................................................................... 337

Spinning with a DJ ....................................................................................... 341

Part V: Pics and Trips ............................................... 345

Chapter 21: For Posterity: Photos and Videos . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 347Getting Focused ........................................................................................... 347Taking Your Pic ............................................................................................ 348

Finding a photographer you click with ........................................... 349Choosing a photography style ......................................................... 350

xiv Wedding Planning For Dummies

Calling the shots ................................................................................ 355Figuring out fees and packages ........................................................ 356Choosing which shots to enlarge..................................................... 357Compiling the wedding album ......................................................... 358Scheduling the formal photos .......................................................... 359

Videotaping Your Day ................................................................................. 360Casting for a filmmaker ..................................................................... 360Thinking like a movie director ......................................................... 361Get on the mic .................................................................................... 362

Safekeeping the Past for the Future .......................................................... 362

Chapter 22: Handling the Honeymoon . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 363Determining Your Honeymoon Style ........................................................ 363Researching Destinations Online .............................................................. 366Working with a Travel Agent ...................................................................... 367Making Your Money Travel Farther .......................................................... 368Hitting the Road (or Sky): Tips for Before You Travel ........................... 370Going Abroad ............................................................................................... 371

Part VI: The Part of Tens ........................................... 373

Chapter 23: Ten Top Tips for Perfect Planning . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 375Set Your Budget ........................................................................................... 375Find Your Venue .......................................................................................... 376Create a Timetable ...................................................................................... 376Brainstorm Ideas with a Mood Board ....................................................... 376Select Your Suppliers .................................................................................. 377Create a Contact Sheet ................................................................................ 377Make a Master Schedule ............................................................................. 378Keep an Eye on the Big Picture .................................................................. 378Work Together ............................................................................................. 378Get Some Help .............................................................................................. 379

Chapter 24: Ten Tricks for Saving Money . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 381Start with a Budget ...................................................................................... 381Cut the Guest List ........................................................................................ 381Reduce the Hours ........................................................................................ 382Limit the After-Dinner Bar .......................................................................... 382Avoid Overtime ............................................................................................ 383Dress for Less ............................................................................................... 383Skip the Fancy Details ................................................................................. 383Go for an Orchestra in a Box ...................................................................... 384Do Easy Things Yourself ............................................................................. 384Get Married Off-Peak and Mid-Week ......................................................... 384

Index ....................................................................... 385

Introduction

A wedding, whether it’s a quiet civil ceremony or a pull-out-all-the-stops extravaganza, requires equal parts creativity, planning, diplomacy and

nerve. We admit that the whole ordeal can seem overwhelming at times. After all, getting married is a profound rite of passage. But we’re here to tell you: please don’t panic. You’re in good hands (as long as you have this book in your hands)!

The mission of Wedding Planning For Dummies is to demystify and simplify myriad details that go into the Big Day, inspire you with wonderfully innova-tive ideas to personalise your wedding celebration, instil confidence in you to pull off a memorable ceremony and reception (no matter what your budget or wedding style) and hopefully enable you to have some fun while doing it.

About This BookWedding Planning For Dummies isn’t just for brides. Because a wedding (not to mention a marriage) is a joint venture, we recommend that the bride and groom participate equally in its creation. If you’ve done zero planning, we’ll get you up and running. No matter what stage you’re at, however, we won’t make you go back and start over because you’ve done something wrong. Generally speaking, no single right way exists. Whatever makes you and your intended happy is the right way for you.

Packed with wit and wedding knowhow, Wedding Planning For Dummies, UK Edition, helps you figure out your own wedding style and guides you through each stage of the planning process. What size wedding is right for you and your budget? Where’s the best place to have the ceremony and reception? How can you make sure everybody will show up at the church on time? How can you save money without looking cheap? Whatever the wedding-related issue, the answer is here in this easy-to-use reference.

We’ve organised this book to make planning your wedding as stress free and logical as possible. Each chapter is divided into sections, and each section contains useful information, such as:

✓ How to set a budget and stick to it

✓ Tips for evaluating prospective venues for the ceremony and reception, whether for a local or destination wedding

2 Wedding Planning For Dummies

✓ Thoughtful ways to make guests feel welcome

✓ Ideas for creating memorable menus, music playlists and party favours

✓ How to keep your wedding day running smoothly by creating a no-surprises schedule

Although some wedding guides love to dictate timelines for when to do what, we find that contrived deadlines produce more anxiety than efficiency. A wedding can be two years or two months in the making. Rather than lay out a strict protocol or chronology, we’ve organised this book according to what makes sense for real brides and grooms, for many of whom the demands of work or family leave little time for wedding planning. We say: let your priori-ties determine the timing for everything from setting the date to jetting off on honeymoon.

The great thing about this book is that you decide where to start and what to read. It’s a reference you can jump into and out of at will. Just head to the table of contents or index to find the information you want.

Foolish AssumptionsEvery book is written with a particular reader in mind, and this one is no different. As we wrote Wedding Planning For Dummies we made a few assumptions about you:

✓ You’re a newly engaged couple and you’ve just begun really thinking about the kind of ceremony and reception you want to have.

✓ You haven’t had much experience with planning weddings or even large parties, and yet you know you don’t want a wedding-by-numbers.

✓ You want basic information – tips from the pros – but you don’t want to be bombarded with minutiae.

✓ No matter what size your budget, you’re starting to feel panicky, wonder-ing just how much the wedding of your dreams is going to cost and how you’re going to afford it.

We can’t tell you what kind of wedding to have – that decision is completely up to you. But we can tell you how to make the most of your resources and budget. We realise that you want to know not only the traditional ways of celebrating your big day, but also, in some cases, innovative ways to tweak the official rites and rituals. We can help you figure all that out. And, dare we say, make the process fun.

3 Introduction

Icons Used in This BookIcons are the nifty little pictures in the margin of this book. They each grab your attention for a different reason:

Contrary to what some sexist ninnies think, the bride and groom should be responsible for pulling the wedding together. Of course, a natural delineation of duties may occur, but some decisions require input from both parties. When you see these entwined wedding rings, it signals a matter where you should consult each other.

Yes, we realise that your Aunt Betty graduated with honours from the TJTWID (That’s Just The Way It’s Done) Etiquette Academy, but we’re here to tell you that times have changed, and so have certain iron-clad rules of decorum. When you see this icon, expect either an alternative way for handling a sticky wedding situation or simply a heads-up on making everyone feel comfortable.

Although we don’t advocate being a slave to calendars and endless to-do lists, every now and then a timely reminder is in order. When you see this symbol, adjust your personal wedding timetable accordingly.

No matter the budget, anyone planning a wedding wants to get the most bang for their buck. This symbol means we’re about to impart vital information regarding a practical money matter. Although many times we tell you how to save money, we just as often explain why pinching pennies in a particular area may not be wise. We also use this icon to flag information that may save you precious time, and simply help you out in the planning.

Weddings, like life, can be unpredictable, but certain mistakes, pitfalls and tacky traps are easily avoided. Defuse these little bombs before they explode.

Beyond the BookAs you work your happy way through planning your wedding, you can aug-ment what you read here by checking out some of the access-anywhere extra information that we’ve hosted online. You can find the book’s e-cheat sheet at www.dummies.com/cheatsheet/weddingplanninguk, and by going to www.dummies.com/extras/weddingplanninguk you can access four bonus articles and an extra Part of Tens chapter.

4 Wedding Planning For Dummies

Where to Go from HereYou may find that you need to fast-forward to the reception chapters because the space you want gets booked a year in advance. No problem. This isn’t a Stephen King novel – you can jump around all you want without missing any major plot twists. Check out the table of contents to find a topic that suits your fancy.

If you’re just getting started, you may as well turn to Part I. Chapter 1 starts you off easily. Before you know it, you’ll be planning like a pro.

Part IGetting Started with

Wedding Planning

For Dummies can help get you started with lots of subjects. Visit www.dummies.com to learn more and do more with For Dummies.

In this part… ✓ Get straight down to business – work out what is important to

you and what kind of wedding you want.

✓ Stay on track from the start by working out what you can afford to spend, devising a budget – and sticking to it.

✓ Remember that your wedding day isn’t just about photographs and partying and understand the legalities involved in tying the knot with your loved one.

Chapter 1

First Things FirstIn This Chapter▶ Figuring out what’s important to you

▶ Setting your own timetable

▶ Choosing a date

▶ Working with a wedding planner

S o here you are, engaged! Congratulations. Finding your perfect partner and the person you want to spend the rest of your life with is such

an amazing thing. Organising your wedding is often the first major event you experience together and it should set you off, hand in hand, on your wonderful journey.

Whether you’re planning a large wedding or an intimate event, you need to take certain steps to ensure that your dream wedding turns into reality. In this chapter, we set out the first steps you need to take to get it all started.

The ‘Ise’ Have ItIn spite of what you’ve heard, the time between your engagement and your marriage needn’t go down in the history of your relationship as the Dark Ages. What follows is a series of ‘exercISEs’ to kick off your wedding planning and set you on the right track to pulling off the wedding of your dreams. As you familiarISE, fantasISE, prioritISE and so on, the goal is to figure out what’s important to both of you and to achieve your vision with as little acrimony and heartburn as possible. Okay – we admit this ISE thing is cheesy, but it really works.

8 Part I: Getting Started with Wedding Planning

Familiarise: Spreading the news Some etiquette books still advise that a man ask a woman’s parents for her

hand. However, some brides may be offended by the connotation of owner-ship. Nonetheless, after someone has proposed, we recommend that you demonstrate respect and courtesy by telling your parents first. This isn’t the time, however, to ask them to foot the bill. Give them oxygen. Let them bask in the glow a bit. (If there’s no glow in sight, proceed directly to Chapter 22 and start planning your honeymoon – it may be time to elope.)

This is a natural time for the first communiqué between the bride’s and groom’s parents if they don’t already know each other. We recommend you rely on your own sense of whose parents should initiate contact. If it’s a toss-up, you can fall back on tradition and suggest that the groom’s parents call the bride’s.

If either of you has children, tell the kids before you tell other people (or other people tell them). Life isn’t like The Brady Bunch; the merging of families can be highly charged, even if everyone seems to get along famously.

We realise that you’re overjoyed with your decision to marry, but don’t let your enthusiasm lead you to draft 82 people for your wedding party as you spread the news among your friends and relatives. If you’ve known since you were two years old who your best man or maid of honour is going to be then by all means that person should be among the first few people to know. Otherwise, hold off broadcasting even tentative plans until you know how many of your 2,000 closest friends you can actually invite.

Fantasise: Envisioning your dream weddingAll too often, people begin planning their wedding by setting a strict budget and then trying to shoehorn in all the things they think they should have in their wedding. This process not only doesn’t work, but it can also leave you feeling like you can’t afford to have your dream wedding in any way, shape or form. We suggest that you work backwards. Before you rein in your dreams, imagine that no budgetary or logistical constraints exist. Start thinking about all the elements that would go into your fantasy wedding. Be as specific as you can, using all your senses. Are there aspects you’ve dreamed of since you were a child? How big is the wedding? Where are you? What time of day is it? What colour are the bridesmaids’ dresses? What does the band sound like? Who’s there? What does the venue smell like? What are you eating? What are you drinking?

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Write down these thoughts on a piece of paper and exchange them with your spouse-to-be. Collect images that express the style for your dream wedding and then compare; do you see any similarities between your per-fect weddings? You may feel more comfortable brainstorming out loud together, but the point is that you should both be honest and open-minded. Take each other’s fantasies seriously. Refrain from making dismissive snort-ing sounds. This type of open exchange is neither a mind game nor an exer-cise in futility, but rather a very helpful step in discovering what both of you really want.

Guest-imating your costsYou can never make a preliminary guest list (in writing) too early. Thinking about whom to invite and who will actually show up has a tremen-dous impact on the way your wedding planning evolves. The number in your head may not cor-respond to the reality, and seeing the names on paper helps check your natural tendency to invite casual acquaintances. While certain costs such as venue hire, ceremony costs, music and the wedding dress are usually fixed, items such as centrepieces, food and beverages change in proportion to the number of guests attend-ing. The difference between 100 and 125 guests may mean three more tables and everything that entails at the reception. Only you can decide whether those people make the day more spe-cial or simply blow your budget. In simple terms, remember that every guest adds to the cost.

Including everyone who really matters while not inviting everyone either of you or your

parents have ever met is a precarious juggling act. Before you ask your prospective in-laws to submit a list of names and/or an estimate of the number of people they’d like to see there, give them some parameters upfront so no confusion occurs later. After you’ve agreed on a tentative number of guests, you can go out looking for venues with a much more realistic idea of what will accommodate your group as well as your budget.

Remember that the mysterious folk who calcu-late wedding statistics say that you can expect 10 to 20 per cent of those invited not to attend. That’s the national average, but it could be irrelevant to your situation, so don’t bank on this when planning the size of your venue or determining your budget’s bottom line. You may be the lucky ones blessed with 100 per cent attendance.

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Prioritise: Deciding what’s really importantNow, take all your fantasy elements and put them in some order of impor-tance. Are towering bouquets of white lilies more important than drinking vintage Champagne? Are you flexible on the time of year? The time of day? Must you have a couture dress, or are you willing to go with something less lavish and instead spend more money on an eight-piece band? Does the venue have to be a dream castle or would the local hotel serve the same purpose?

Compare your priority list with your intended’s. Maybe you both agree that having a sit-down dinner isn’t so important. Perhaps you’ve always pictured a rustic country wedding in a barn but your better half thinks only a country manor house will impress everyone. What compromises are you both willing to make? (This is good practice for the rest of your lives.)

Visualise: Making a reality checklistThe next step is to take these priorities and paint the picture of where you’re going to spend your money. Start by estimating the cost of each of the most important elements. These estimates provide you with a rough budget, a way to set some parameters; you’ll flesh it out later. (See Chapter 2 for more infor-mation on setting a budget.)

Remember that none of this budgeting is set in stone, so you can afford to be flexible. Assuming you can’t afford the world’s most exotic flowers or vin-tage champagne, assess which parts of your prioritised fantasy line-up may really work. Although you both may have in mind a caviar-and-blini bar, you may also see a band that sets you on fire. Because having both will blow your whole budget, one has to go. To facilitate that decision, think back to what sticks in your memory about great weddings you’ve been to. Was it the food? The setting? The music?

Weddings aren’t planned in a vacuum. Nor do they end when the cake is cut. You’ll encounter both familial and interpersonal ramifications that last far longer than this one day. A good idea, therefore, is to find out at the very beginning what the highly charged issues are – and when in doubt, compro-mise. Doing so makes for a happier day and a happier future family life.

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Organise: Breaking down the details without breaking downIf the word organise strikes fear into your very core then you really need to read this. And even if you’re uber-organised, you may benefit from reading the following tips on getting organised and setting a budget.

Approach your wedding as any other big project in your life: divide it into manageable pieces. Group several little steps into segments and plot them along a timeline or calendar, setting deadlines that fit in with everything else going on in your life:

✓ Jot down tasks and deadlines on your calendar. Use a pencil or an electronic calendar in case things change. They will change. Count on it.

✓ Organise your time to make things easy on yourself. If you’re starting university, changing jobs or moving, this probably isn’t the time to plan a complex wedding with a cast of thousands. Although weddings are happy occasions, they are, nonetheless, stressful. Ask yourselves, ‘How much are we willing to give up?’

Dealing with kiddie complicationsOne of the wonderful things about weddings is that they can bring many generations together under one roof. On the other hand, you may not be delighted to have screaming infants punc-tuating your vows, or paying for even the most adorable Shirley Temple clone to take up a seat at your reception.

Whether to invite children to your wedding is one of the more emotional issues you may face during your premarital meanderings. As you may have noticed, people can get positively fierce when it comes to their little darlings. So what are your choices, and after you make your decisions, how do you impart them most graciously?

Don’t count on guests being versed in the nuances of invitation addressing. (In other words, they probably won’t realise that their children aren’t invited if their names aren’t on the envelope.) After you’ve made your decision,

be gracious but firm when people call and ask whether the exclusion was an oversight. The easiest way to start an all-out family war is to cave in and make an exception for some chil-dren but not others. Specifying an age cut-off is difficult. If you have young ladies and gen-tlemen involved in your ceremony as junior ushers and bridesmaids, they’ll undoubtedly be crushed if they aren’t invited to the reception. What’s more, depending on your families, you may be pressured to invite other relatives of the same age if you’re including these kids. And for an evening reception, trying to have any chil-dren whisked away at their witching hour with-out having to bid farewell to their parents is next to impossible. One solution may be to arrange a quiet area adjacent to your reception where this age group can be deposited to nap – under the supervision of a wedding nanny – until their parents are ready to leave.

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✓ Create a planning folder. An expanding file with several sections or clear plastic sheet protectors (the kind that fit into a ring binder) are handy for keeping track of all the ephemera that multiplies as you plan your big day: contracts, menus, wine labels, brochures, guest lists, fabric swatches, stationery samples, photos, plane tickets, receipts, magazine articles and so on. When the wedding’s over, a lot of this stuff makes great scrapbook fodder.

✓ Use technology to ease the planning. Most households have a smart-phone or tablet, making wedding planning a far more portable task. You can download various apps that allow you to enter wedding tasks, with an action date, and set reminders. Create an account at Pinterest.com and collect images that you can then show suppliers, like the cake designer and florist, to express your wedding vision. And use the note function to record thoughts and light-bulb moments as they happen.

✓ Start keeping track of your guests as early as possible. Use a comput-erised spreadsheet. Each entry contains data on everyone to whom you send an invitation – the correct spelling, address, RSVP, gift, spouse or significant other, and who invited them. Such a compilation proves invaluable when planning your seating chart (see Chapter 5).

Just as you collect ideas and pictures of things you want for your wedding, it’s equally important to note things you don’t want. That way you have a better chance of remembering, for example, to tell the caterer that Aunt Myrtle is fatally allergic to nuts or to tell the band that under no circumstances are they to play ‘Agadoo’.

Synchronise: Dispelling the timetable myth

With the exception of invitations, which can take up to four months to print and mail, you can accomplish almost every aspect of a wedding in less than two months. Not that we suggest waiting until the last minute, but you don’t have to be a slave to someone else’s timetable. Okay, now here’s the big shocker: Wedding Planning For Dummies doesn’t have the ubiquitous wedding timeline that tells you, for example, ‘Two days before: Polish your left toenail.’ We believe this set-in-stone manifesto strikes terror into the hearts of even the most courageous couple. In devising your customised timetable, allow your priorities, budget, personal schedules and reality constraints to come into play.

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First things first We do advise that you attend to certain details sooner rather than later. In

fact, even before you’ve finalised the date of your wedding, you should get moving on aspects that are hard to find, in great demand or simply take a long time to accomplish. Generally speaking, these include:

✓ Band: Like popular venues, good bands (and DJs) require that you book them several months in advance. (See Chapter 20 for info on finding musicians.)

Having everyone’s contacts at a glanceAs you plan your wedding, you’ll make a lot of phone calls and send a lot of emails, so pull together everyone’s contact information in one place. As you assemble your nuptial team, keep an up-to-date contact sheet of all the key players. Include their phone numbers – home, office and mobile – as well as postal, email and website addresses. For suppliers, include the company name and contact person. At some point during your planning, the following players – listed here alphabetically – may be on your speed-dial:

✓ Attendants’ attire (company or store)

✓ Best man

✓ Bride

✓ Bridesmaids

✓ Bride’s parents

✓ Cake maker

✓ Calligrapher

✓ Caterer or banquet manager

✓ Ceremony musicians

✓ Ceremony contact

✓ Decorations and party favour company

✓ Dress designer

✓ Drinks company

✓ Florist

✓ Groom

✓ Groom’s parents

✓ Hair stylist

✓ Hire company

✓ Jeweller

✓ Lighting designer

✓ Maid of honour

✓ Makeup artist

✓ Mobile toilet company

✓ Photographer

✓ Reception musicians

✓ Reception wedding co-ordinator

✓ Registrar or priest

✓ Stationer

✓ Suit-hire shop

✓ Tailor

✓ Transportation company

✓ Travel agent

✓ Videographer

✓ Wedding planner

14 Part I: Getting Started with Wedding Planning

✓ Photographer: If photos are incredibly important to you, sourcing a pho-tographer as soon as you have your venue and date organised is a good idea. Great photographers can get booked 12 or more months in advance.

✓ Invitations: Traditionally, you mail invitations six to eight weeks before the wedding, but most couples post them much earlier, especially if the wedding is in the summer holidays. A way to get around posting the wed-ding invitation earlier is to post a save-the-date card a year in advance, meaning key friends and family pencil in your wedding date. (See Chapter 8 on invitations and other stationery needs.)

✓ Location: You’re not the only two people getting married in the foresee-able future, so if you want to get married in high season at a popular venue, you may have to book up to a year in advance. (See Chapter 4 on choosing a space and Chapter 17 on working with a caterer.)

✓ Wedding dress: The source of much pre-wedding anxiety, the hunt for the perfect wedding dress is unpredictable. Even if you score the first time you go shopping, you need to allow time for the dress to be altered. Then you have to get the veil, shoes, bra . . . see Chapter 11 for the gory details.

Picking the dateWhen it comes to picking the date, keep in mind the following:

✓ Don’t get in knots trying to please everyone. Maybe your maid of honour goes on a spa retreat at the same time every year. Or your future mother-in-law already has tickets for a three-month Caribbean cruise next summer. People may put in requests, but you can’t please every-one. In the end, you must decide what’s best for you and the majority of your guests. When you’ve set the date, stick to it. Your guests will have to deal with it. And most of them will deal with it very well.

✓ Work around availability. Perhaps you want a specific photographer or venue, so you set the date with availability in mind.

✓ Consider carefully before piggybacking. Having a wedding coincide with another major holiday is often tempting. (See the nearby side-bar ‘Dates to bear in mind’.) This can work if your family usually gets together anyway at this time, or if people coming from out of town need a few extra days’ cushion and the holiday provides some extra time off work. But holiday weddings can be costly (think how much you’d charge to work on a holiday; the service staff feels the same way). And sometimes people resent having their precious holiday time eaten up with a social obligation. If they must sacrifice, however, they may expect the gracious host to make sure there’s plenty to keep them entertained.