TX Citizen 12.20.12
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Transcript of TX Citizen 12.20.12
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Motorsports | 7 Day Live Music Guide | Regrettable Christmas Tunes
VOLUME ONE
ISSUE ELEVEN
12 .20 .12
"Aren'tweforgettingthetruemeaningofC
hristmas?Youknow...thebirth
ofSanta."
BartSimpson
Get Stuffed!The Stocking that Rocks
Page 4
SS
Crush the line every week at The happy cow, The Black whale pub,PRickly pear lounge, scores sports bar & grill or buffalo wings & rings.
take your shot at $10,000! Hurry, the deadline to turn INyour Week 16 picks is Saturday at 5pm!
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TX
CITIZEN
1111N.
Waln
utAvenue
NewBraun
fels,
TX78130
830.2
21.0
593
Alloriginalc
ontentiscopyright
TXCitizen.TXCitizenispublished
everyThursday.
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nis
availablereeocharge,withtheprior
writtenconsentoTXCitizenrequiredto
removemultiplecopiesromdistribution
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ts.Multiplecopiesandbackissues
areavailableatT
XCitizenofcesor
$2.50each.
STAFF/
CONTACT
Publisher/Editor-in-ChieMikeReyno
lds
ArtDirectorKaylaWa
llace
SalesRepsChantMazy,
Russe
llDow
den
Editorial:[email protected]
Advertising:sa
Distribution:
PHOTO
CREDITS
1stWord:
MikieFarias
Cover,Cit
izenDog:
CitizenSta
ff
BeltSande
rRaces:
LynnHens
ley
2 TX CITIZEN
table of contents
1st WordStuff that stocking. Stuff it real good.
6Citizen Dog
Silas want to own you.
Advice fromUncle Esel
Got a problem? You will.
12
11
15Guest MegatorialKyle Van Son takes time away fromhis Xbox to throw eight classicChristmas songs under the bus.He should be given a medal.
4MotorsportsThe Happy Cow lit up the trackfor Decembers belt-sander races.7
The Beer HunterWh en Mi tc he ll dr in ks ,
we al l le ar n so me th in g.
10The CountysMost WantedMake your mama proud.
Ask a MexicanGustavo offends in two languages.
The Ninja on Food Noah returns with his annual
homage to the turducken.
Your Horoscope,Featuring the Heavenly Bodies
Dont make a move without i t .
13
8Citizen Soundcheck
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TXCITIZEN.COM 3
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When I was a kid, I got some weird Christmas stockings.While other kids got Transormers robots and Hot Wheelscars and Wham-O Super Balls in traditional Santa-style
ootwear, I got one-gallon jugs o blueberry shampoo,little tins o Band-Aids, and painul, authentic woodenshoes inside o wait or it wait savor thesuspense ok now: I got that stu inside o one legsworth o pantyhose. Now stop reading and let that onesink in or a minute.
Anyway, while assembling my kids stocking or this yearI got to thinking about what makes a stocking rock. Then I went downtown to GotToys, and bought some pretty sweet stu that any ten year-old boy worth his saltwould be pleased as Punch to pull out o a big red sock (or hal a pair o shnets,which I am indeed considering).
Extreme Base Jumper Parachute Guy: Best red rom a slingshot or other device, butjust as un i simply thrown into the air, Parachute Guy is good or hours o amusement.This one is super-high quality, with a heavy plastic Guy and nylon chute, and way betterthan the ones we had as kids - which were only good or two or three jumps beorethe cheap plastic parachute basically dissolved. This one will last a human lietime, oruntil it gets stuck in your neighbors tree, at which time, well, as Jack Handy would tellyou, its just gone, man.
Drinking Bird: These things are nothing short o awesome. You set a glass o water
down in ront o the bird, warm up his belly in the palm o your hand, and watch him goto work. When I was a kid in the SoCal youd have to drive to Tijuana or its less-likely-to-get-murdered-at twin sister, Olvera Street in Los Angeles, to get your hands on one othese. I dont know i itll work with liquor, but rest assured, 2012 is the year we nd out.
Candy Cigarettes: These politically-incorrect treats are illegal in Caliornia and NewYork, which is reason enough to give them to your little Texan.
Slinky: Just like Grandma, it tumbles down stairs when given the slightest nudge,and there should be no doubt that every American kid needs one. According to the
Slinky jingle, girls like them too. Go gure.
Inatable Cthulhu Beard: While Great Cthulhu sleeps, well-read kids can await thecall o their avorite nightmare uel with this handsome blow-up plastic beard. As theysay, Phnglui mglwnah Cthulhu Rlyeh wgahnagl htagn, and really, you cant expectmuch more than that or the time being.
Bird Call: I remember thinking these things were awesome. You turn the plunger-thing and it chirps like a real bird. Its crazy. But it doesnt take long beore real birdstarts eel like nails on chalkboard, so maybe its best not to give one to your own kid.Im sending this unit to a nephew. Its or the best.
Bacon: Sometime over the last ew years, the very idea o bacon has become somekind o homo-erotic bonding agent amongst meat-eating hipsters. Your kid will sco at thishoney-bacon pop, giving you a prime opportunity to make o with it as they heap scornupon your candy selection skills. You, on the other hand, will thoroughly enjoy the salty/sweet result o a honey bees contribution and a pigs last ull measure o commitment.
W RDSTMIKE
REYNOLDS
WITH
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Zero-Gravity Fridge Rover: Its a wind-up space car that drives up the side o your
rerigerator with nothing but the power o MAGNETISM to keep it stuck to the surace.
Science is important, and kids love magnets. (You might want to pass on this one i your
amily practices witchcrat or is otherwise hostile to empirical data.)
Bomb Bag: Squeeze the bag and, through the miracle o chemistry, it lls up with
some kind o gas and explodes. At 40 cents a pop, you cant go wrong with this. What
boy doesnt like blowing stu up? None that I know.
Astronaut Food: Got Toys has lots o dierent reeze-dried spaceman oods, butthe ice cream sandwich has always been my avorite. The chalk-like block melts into
vanilla, chocolate and strawberry goodness as soon as it makes contact with your
warm saliva. #delightul
Wind-Up Robot: Nothing, and I mean nothing says Christmas like an early-to-mid 20th
century style wind-up robot. The shop has tons o em, but I settled on this one, Cragstans
Mr Atomic. Its going to look great on my desk ater I decide to keep it or mysel.
Pop Rocks: While a combination o Pop Rocks and soda will not make your stomachexplode, its always un to tell your kids that it will, and then prove it to them with a
demonstration eaturing your acting skills and willingness to scar their collective psyche.
Magic 8 Ball: As long as were invoking a the powers o a psychic uber-el who
fies around the world aided by supernaturally-powered reindeer to righten our kids
into obedience, why not nish the job by making the occult a part o everyday lie?
The Magic 8 Ball knows the answer to any yes-or-no question you can pose to it, and
while it sometimes instructs you to Ask Again Later, later can be, like, two or three
seconds down the road. Just dont shake it. Shaking it slows its responses. And never ask
it the same question twice. Asking it the same question twice threatens its credibility andthereore angers the gods.
Crick-ettes: I went with the salt and vinegar crickets, but there are plenty o other
insect/favor combinations to choose rom.
Silly Putty: You can do a lot with Silly Putty, my avorite thing being a tie between
snapping little Silly Putty bubbles and distending Dick Tracys ace. Whats super cool
is that you can still get it in the old-school, 60s era packaging that says The Real Solid
Liquid on it. Once your kid recovers rom your cruel Pop Rocks stunt, you can explain
that back when Silly Putty was invented, jazzbos and other degenerates used the word
solid interchangeably with cool. Youll be a hep cat i you do.
Potato, or Spud Gun: You stick the barrel o the spud gun into a potato, plug
the business end with starchy ammo, and use the power o manual air compression to
re harmless tuber shots at riends and oes alike. Im sure well take some heat or
advocating that anything called a gun be used as a toy, but lets ace it, there are way
more dangerous applications or a potato. #carbs
And with that, my work is done. Have a swell Christmas, everybody.
\m/
Mike Reynolds
Publisher/Editor-in-Chie
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6 TX CITIZEN
Dog
Visit the New Braunfels Humane Society at 1920 Kuehler Ave.For more information, call 830-629-5287.
is a sweet, 18-month-old,
saint-like Chihuahua. He'd
make a great companion for
anyone named Paul.
is a sweet, 18-month-old,
saint-like Chihuahua. He'd
make a great companion for
anyone named Paul.
Silas
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Wedding Facilities Available
Live Music Every Night
Never a Cover
Kid & Pet Friendly
1263 Gruene Road 830.625.1045
Call for Hours!
omalovesyou.com
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Store Hours: OPEN Mon. - Sat. 9:30 AM - 7:00 PM Sun.: 11 AM - 6 PM
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The Happy Cow hosted the thunder once again as December's belt-sander race champions were crowned in beautiful "San Braunfels" TX, (still labeled as "Hunter"
on most maps). The nal winner for 2012 in the Stock Division was Team Colonel Sanders, while Team Booby Trap took home the gold in the Modied category.The 2013 season begins in less than a month, with the track reopening on January 19 at 3pm. For entry information, call 512-353-0030.
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Thu 12.20
Adobe VerdeGarrett Heinrichs8pm
AJs Ale HouseRock & Roll Sing Along Piano Bar Show9pm
Billys Ice HouseRoadside Libby
8pm
Black & Tan PubAntiqu ity8pm
Black Whale Pub3 Man Front9pm
Cheatham Street WarehouseKem Watts Trio
9pm
Gruene HallJordan Minor Band6pm
Oma Gruenes Secret GartenJam Night w/ The Kinfo lk6pm
On The Hal Shell Oyster Bar
Josh Holden9pm
Phoenix SaloonSteven Vee5pm
Rileys TavernSamantha Lynn9pm
River Road Ice HouseMario Flores & The Soda Creek Band8pm
Tavern in the GrueneAustin Gilliam & The Poli ticians8pm
Triple CrownPeppers Blues6pmCelebrate Kwanzaa &The Birth of Barack ObamaVictor Holk, The Hill Country Gentlemen8pm, $4
Uptown Piano BarAshley Stone8pm
Fri 12.21Adobe Verde
Bru Erdman8pm
AJs Ale HouseRock & Roll Sing Along Piano Bar Show9pm
Billys Ice HouseRetro Fx
9pm
Black & Tan PubFury Within, Endless Nightmare,Prizmatic, Steel Soldiers8pm
Black Whale PubTBA9pm
Cheatham Street WarehouseT-Bone & the Bluetones9pm
Gruene HallCharlie Robisonw/ The Statesboro Revue8pm, $25
The Happy Cow3rd Annual Mule Tide Gathering1st Annual End of the World Party
Mark Jungers & More8pm
Oma Gruenes Secret GartenThe Knowhow6:30pm
On The Hal Shell Oyster Bar2 Lane Alley9pm
Phoenix SaloonLucas Taylor5pm
Ugly Christmas Sweater Competition!DJ B.Read Presents: Two Handfuls
of Funk!9pm
Rileys TavernBraken Hale
9pm
River Road Ice HouseEnd of the World Party & Toy Drive!Bring a Toy, Get a T-Shirt!
Dave Fenley & the Good Deal8pm
Tavern in the GrueneForest Wayne Allen8pm
Triple CrownEric Hisaw6pm
End of the World Party!Sp_aces, Spilt Milk, Robbie & the Robots
10pm, $5
Uptown Piano BarBarry Adams8pm
Vino en VerdeLeAnn, Ashley & Kenn Trio
8pm
Vineyard at GrueneZack Walther7pm
Sat 12.22
Adobe VerdeMandi Powell
8pm
AJs Ale HouseRock & Roll Sing Along Piano Bar Show9pm
Billys Ice House3 Man Front
8pm
Black & Tan PubDoug Blank & Violet Man, Momma Tried
Bertha
8pm
Black Whale PubAdam Johnson & The Pay Mes
9pm
Cheatham Street WarehouseX-Mas Party & Potluck Supper!
Doctor G & the Mudcats
w/ Tessy Lou & Shotgun Stars
7pm
Gruene HallHot Club of Cowtown
1pm
Kelly Willis & Bruce Robison Holiday
Show
w/ Betty Soo
9pm, $25
The Happy CowJavi Garcia & Jordan Minor8pm
Oma Gruenes Secret GartenMC & The Mystyx
1pm
Stray Dog & The Wolves
6pm
Phoenix Saloon
Mario Flores & The Soda Creek Band9pm
Rileys TavernJoel Hofmann Band
9pm
BROUGHT TO YOU BY
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Fri 12.21
AntonesEnd of the World Juke Joint Apocalypse!
Cedric Burnside Project
w/ Old Gray Mule, Black Squeeze
8pm, $10-$80
The Continental ClubClub Lineup:
The Blues Specialists, 6:30pm
Speedy Sparks End of the World Party,10pm, $20
Gallery Lineup:
The Robert Kraft Trio, 8:30pm
The Mike Flanigin Trio, 10:30pm, $5
Cowboys DancehallJack Ingram
8pm, $15 for 21+, $20 for 18-20
Floores Country Store
Bleu Edmondsonw/ Crooks
8pm, $12
Red Eyed FlyLaura Foster & the Severed Strings
10:30pm, Inside
E.B.M.
w/ Drifter, Black Thorn Halo,
The Hazard Houndss, Fight Plan
8:30pm, Outside
Sams Burger JointMax Stalling
w/ blacktopGYPSY
8pm, $13
Stetson BarShawn Allen & The Bout Time Band
9:30pm
Stubbs BBQ
OConquerorw/ Southbound Drive, The Chorderoys
9pm, Inside, $8
Thirsty Horse SaloonDave Jorgenson
8pm
Sat 12.22
AntonesVallejo Annual X-Mas Show!
Vallejo
w/ Hector Ward & The Big Time,
Brett McCormick
8pm, $10-$75
The Continental ClubClub Lineup:
Redd Volkart, 3:30pm
Paul Ray & The Cobras, 10pm, $12
Barfield, 12am
Gallery Lineup:
Scarlett Olson, 8:30pm
The Mike Flanigin Trio, 10:30, $5
Floores Country StoreCody Johnson Band
w/ John Slaughter
8pm, $10
Red Eyed FlyHere & Sea
w/ Lost of Evermore, The BadNotes,
Madmartigan, Sinsored
8:30pm, Outside
Sams Burger JointEmory Quinn
w/ Wheeler Brothers
8pm, $12
Stetson BarSmall Town Habit
9:30pm
Stubbs BBQ
Don Chani9pm, Inside, $8
Thirsty Horse SaloonChilton Vance Band
8pm
River Road Ice HousePoor J Brown8pm
Tavern in the GrueneKyle Reed Band9pm
Triple CrownThe Sonomatics, The Johnny Five,BeerGnomes, Johnny Hootrock9pm, $5
Uptown Piano BarJohn Maclean8pm
Vino en VerdeThe Vagabonds9pm
Vineyard at GrueneSarah McSweeney
7pm
Sun 12.23
Adobe VerdeT&C Miller8pm
Gruene HallThe Kirks12pm
Ponty Bone & The Squeezetones4pm
The Happy CowKim Meeks & Her Bad Habits8pm
Oma Gruenes Secret GartenChris Ruest Band2pm
Phoenix SaloonThe Al Barlow Show2pmTony Taylor, Jackson Parten, AllanGoodman7pm
Mon 12.24
Triple CrownDavid Harris6pmChief & TheDoomsdayDevice9pm
Tues 12.25
Billys Ice HouseMerry Christams!
w/ Rodney Pyeatt8:00pm
Triple Crownunsurpassed profit, Attic Ted,Van Sanchez9pm, $4
Wed 12.26
Billys Ice House3 Man Front8pm
Black & Tan PubKen, LeAnn & Ashl ey Trio9pm
Cheatham Street WarehouseKent Finlays Songwriters Circle9:30pm
Gruene HallBetty Sue & Will Sexton1pmThe Georges6pm
Rileys TavernThe Loose Hinges9pm
Triple Crown
Jo Beth Henderson6pm
Uptown Piano BarJohn Maclean8pm
OUTOF
BROUGHT TO YOU BY
COMAL COUNTY SASK A MEXICAN!
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7/30/2019 TX Citizen 12.20.12
10/1610 TX CITIZEN
By Gustavo Arellano
Dear Mexican: Many o my riends
think Im loco or playing with my
dad the way I do. See, mi padre is now
retired and living in Mexico, and is
very worried that I am now 30 and
not married yet, so he wants me togo back to where he lives to try and
take an india rom there back here to
los EEUU, i only to at least look ater
me. I retaliate by kindly reminding
him as much as possible that we are
leprecanos (yes, I read your previous
articles), to which he gets very angry.
Everyone says that hes going
to beat me up one day, but it never
happens. Last year, I gave him orNavidad a bowler hat, an Irish soccer
shirt and matching knee high socks.
Let me tell you, he was so red or a
second I thought he was going to
explotar, but we still love one another
very mucho. Are amily relationships
between gabachos so much dierent?
Concerned Green Bean
Dear Leprecano: Just a quick reminderor the gabachos and wabs that mightve
orgotten your ethnicity: a leprecano is a
hal-Mexican, hal-Irish person and thereore
probably the most raza borracha o them all.
As or your question: why are you
asking me about gabachos? Theyre a
bigger mystery to me than Mayan Long
Count calendar. The one spiel I can pull out
o your hilarious pregunta, though, is the
idea o Mexican amilies in the United States
sending their pocho sons to the motherland
to nd himsel a nice rancho girl.
While intermarriage rates among
Latinos continue to risethe Pew Hispanic
Center reported this year that 26 percent
o Latinos marry outside their ethnic group,
second only to Asians among Americas
largest ethnic groupsthe reality is that
Mexican immigrants want their childrento marry within their old social structures.
Thats why a Mexican-American teenagers
lie is a perpetual weekend o weddings,
quinceaeras, birthdays, baptisms, and
boxing matchtheyre all staging areas
or courtship. O course, the best-laid plans
o Mexis and madres usually ail here in el
Norte, what with all the girls rom Jalisco,
Zacatecas and Sinaloa firting their way
toward every Mexican mans heart. Thats
why the ail-sae measure or parents is the
rancho option: Theres always going tobe a third cousin in the ancestral village
whos still a virgin, waiting patiently or
pocho peen salvation.
Dear Mexican: Why do Mexicans
all ock back to the motherland at
Christmas or weeks at a time? Te
buy a shitload o presents, new clothes
and basically check out o the USA.
Tey blow their all eria, and then come
back broke and start all over again. M
olks are rom the beautiul state o
Chihuahua, and I cannot remember
ever leaving at Christmastime or
an extended trip to Mexico....come
to think o it, I cant remember an
presents either. Sucks or me.
Mexicana Por Fortuna
Dear Wabette by Fortune: Most o the
Mexicans who historically made the trip
back home to Mexico (I say historically
because ewer Mexis are making such
trips at the moment due to the narcowars
and pendejo border ences) loaded up on
presents or relatives back home, relatives
that were usually poorer than them. Also
dont orget the conspicuous consumption
angle (immigrants want to appear as itheyve ound success, especially when
going back home) and the act that Mexicans
return to Mexico because theyre Mexicans
and have Mexican relatives who still live
in Mexico and want to see their Mexican
relatives in Mexico because Mexico Mexico
VIVA MEXICO, CABRONES!!!
MOST WANTED
$200REWARD
COMAL COUNTY S
BENDER,
SHERI MICHELLEFemale 504 180 lbsDOB: 10/22/1976CHARGE: Failure toappear for motion torevoke for theft of
firearm
DEVINE,WAYNE LELANDMale 510 145 lbsDOB: 01/13/1955CHARGE: Drivingwhile intoxicated 3rdor more
GONZALES,
FLORENTINORICHARDMale 509 160 lbsDOB: 05/03/1952CHARGE: Four countsof indecency with achild and four counts ofaggravated sexualassault of a child
GARCIA, ESTELLAGUADALUPEFemale 502 170 lbsDOB: 07/02/1990CHARGE: Credit cardor debit card abuse
ARMENDARIZ,
MARISSA NATALIAFemale 502 185 lbsDOB: 04/21/1994CHARGE: Credit card
or debit card abuse
HODGES,
DOUGLASMale 511 190 lbs
DOB: 03/29/1975CHARGE: Motion to
revoke for theft ofproperty over $1500under $20,000
MEDINA, ANTONIOPEREZ JR
Male 510 135 lbs
DOB: 01/06/1993
CHARGE: Theft of
property over $1500
under $20,000
MARTINEZ,BENITO III
Male 510 270 lbsDOB: 01/10/1984
CHARGE: Motion torevoke probation for
burglary of habitation
NINES,
DEBORAH LYNNFemale 507 180 lbs
DOB: 02/25/1965CHARGE: Burglary
of habitation
MORALES,MARCOS RIVAS
Male 508 170 lbs
DOB: 01/22/1962
CHARGE: Theft of
property under $1500
with two or more
previous convictions
The names listed have been released in accordance with the Texas Public Information Act Code 552.001 st.seq.annotatedPublic Record and Information disclosure statues. This is a true and accurate account as of Monday, December 17, 2012at 11:00 am and may not be current by the time it is read. Do not try to apprehend anyone. For anonymous tips and rewards,
please contact Crime Stoppers at: 24-Hour Phone number 830.620.3400; Mon-Fri 8am to 5pm 830.620.3411. These are
listings of criminal warrants with the Sheriffs Office and are not indicative of guilt or innocence. Officers are to verify thestatus of each warrant prior to making an arrest. Any person is innocent of wrongdoing unless proven guilty in a court of law.
FOR INFORMATION LEADING TO THE ARREST OF COMALCOUNTYS MOST WANTED.Callers will remain anonymous.
830.620.3400 - 24-Hour
830.620.3411 - Mon-Fri 8am to 5pm
-ARR
ESTED
-
-ARR
ESTED
-
Ask the Mexican at [email protected], be his an onFacebook, ollow him on Twitter @gustavoarellano or ask him a video
question at youtube.com/askamexicano!
ASK A MEXICAN!SPECIAL NAVIDAD EDITION
ADVICE FROM
C S
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11/16TXCITIZEN.COM 11
Uncle Esel,
So the City decided to not charge the
fve dollar ee to get on the river. How
were they trying to justiy it? Is it legal?
Tanks,
Matt
Dear Matt,
It is not legal to charge to get on the
river itsel, but they will make every attempt
to cut o the public rom getting to the river
except through private property and through
the park. Then, they already charge you
$1.25 to use the outtter and some would
like to charge you $5.00 to transverse the
park and get in the river. How they do this isstill suspect as they have to single out tubers
and treat them dierently than all other park
users and this could be open to challenge as
discriminatory. O course the whole idea o
limiting access to a navigable river rom any
public right o way has been long held as
unconstitutional, so Uncle Esel still doesnt
know how they win this argument. In the
end look or the city to do what they doso well and ignore the state law and pass
what they want. Already, this Esel has heard
o renewed plans to privatize the river and
abolish alcohol altogether in the river. Then
the privateers will be able to sell it on the
banks and keep out that pesky - you know
who - BYOB crowd out o here. Its like the
im Crow o water laws.
Love, K
Dear Uncle Esel,
I saw a video o a girl that was
pranked by riends and was so scared
she run out in the street and was
runned over by a car. Man that is some
sick ####. Do you know the video I
mention? I wonder i you might have
some idea o what happened in this
situation? I mean was she killed orsure cause it looks like it and did the
mask person get arested by the police?
Appreciate It,
Kent
Dear Kent,
Seems every week I get another idiotic
letter about some idiotic post or video or
whatever on that idiotic Facebook. Yes, I
know which video you mention and NO, she
was not killed and no one was arrested. It is
ake like almost everything you see reposted
over and over in Facebook. Esel has ound
that not one thing that gets reposted over a
dozen times is real. Not the one about spider
bites, gang initiations and notes on the
rear window or some stupid disclaimer that
somehow protects all the private stu you put
in the most public o orums on earth (what
a bunch o dipsticks). The video mentioned
was in act posted as a ctional piece withthe names o the actors, but still, Kent, I get
people like you who... admit it, you reposted
it didnt you? Admit it! Heck, never mind, Im
no longer going to answer these questions
in my column... unless... o course.... unless
you repost this and I get 5000 riends and
250 reposts in the next ten days. Then each
riend and reposter can send one dollar to
me. Failing to do so will result in the completeailure o the Facebook privacy policy and all
o your proles will become property o the
US government, Google and Amazon.
Love, K
Uncle Esel,
What do you wish or this
Christmas?
Love and Peace,Kaitlin
Dear Kaitlin,
Uhhmmm, peace on earth and equality
or all men. Or i not, a boob job or Mrs.
Esel would be nice.
Love, K
UNCLE ESEL
Uncle K. Esel is a lietime resident o our air city, andis well known or his sage advice on a wide range otopics. I you fnd yoursel perplexed with no one toturn to, send your question to Uncle Esel at: [email protected]. Be sure to write Question or UncleEsel in the subject line o your email.
THE
-
7/30/2019 TX Citizen 12.20.12
12/1612 TX CITIZEN
This Week: Anchor Brewing CompanysOur Special Ale Christmas Ale 2012
Ladies and gentlemen, I assure you, there isno time o the year I whole-heartedly enjoymore than Christmastime. More parties thanHalloween, more thanks-giving than the actual
Thanksgiving, more togetherness than all thebirthdays, anniversaries, and Satanic black-masses o the whole year combined. Even themighty onyx-like black heart o your humbleauthor is warmed in this very cold time oyear. Even I will watch, listen, read, and/orotherwise absorb religiously, (or as religiouslyas a man in my style can treat something), theCharles Dickens classic, A Christmas Carol.
Perhaps its not only the reinorcement omy holiday eelings, or my empathy towardsa embittered misers conversion, but alsothe respect towards how the short story haschanged the holiday as we know it. Whilethe only Santa Claus analog was an emptyscabbard and Horn-o-Plenty-wielding-Spirit-o-Christmas-Present, it has infuenced manyo the modern traditions o Christmas. Mostnotably we can attribute the hearty and
joyous greeting o Merry Christmas! thatcan be ound on the smiling lips o bothstrangers and loved-ones, to the tale.
Puritans at the time, between trying to banalcohol, women not wearing bonnets, spicyood, comortable shoes, means o convenience,
personal style, bright colors, and pretty muchany other orm o pleasure or enjoyment, alsotried to make Christmas as joyless and somberas possible. Puritans man, seriously.
Thankully, this one morality play andstory o redemption was successul in not onlypreserving the un and joy and charity parts,but also with a great surge o do-good in thedays approaching Christmas. We still havegiving to the poor, employers giving bonuses,stores decorating, and even some perorminga public dramatic reading o A ChristmasCarol or the benet o some charities. Imysel will be taking part in that last tradition.
As ar as beer goes, Im sure youve allseen the Christmas related beers coming ontoshelves in the recent weeks. As great a traditionas any other, beer today is as conducive to theholiday spirit as it was back when Old Fezziwig
would throw his 12th Night party. Usuallyollowing the Modus Operandi o other holidayood, Christmas beers are characterized byaromatic spices and herbs, sweetness, and agreat warming eeling when consumed.
Another characteristic, but non-ocial,
is the ability to be shared! And what bettervessel to convey the sharing than a great,bountiul, celebratory MAGNUM? I certainlyhope youre aware o the beer Im mentioning,the yearly release o Our Special Ale,Anchor Brewing Co.s Christmas Ale. I gotto try their 2012 release the other day, and Icannot wait to recommend it.
First, very warming indeed. Cinnamon,nutmeg, even a bit o pine lls the nose andsets the stage or a delicious mouth ull oginger, clove, piney hops, and molasses-likesweetness. While the recipe is secret, its verydistinct in most o its favor. While there arestill some things that are a bit dicult to parseout, (Chestnut? Rye? Spruce tips?), I certainlywont mind sitting down with a ew riends togain a consensus on it. Enjoy it, i you will,and a Merry Christmas to you all!
WITH MITCHELL WILBURN
Mitchell Wilburn is our resident bon vivant and arbiter o all thingsbarley. Send your beer questions to him at [email protected].
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-
7/30/2019 TX Citizen 12.20.12
13/16TXCITIZEN.COM 13
Turducken or the Holidays
By Noah Westerfeld
I you know one thing about
me, you probably know I
am exceedingly charming.
I you know two things,you probably know I moonlight as a ninja.
But i you know three things, you denitely
somewhere in there know my love or one
oodstu in particular that comes around
mainly during the holidays: the Turducken.
For those who may indeed live under
rocks, a Turducken is dish consisting o a de-
boned chicken stued into a de-boned duck,
which itsel is stued into a de-boned turkey.
Any remaining space can be crammed with
stung, sausage, or oven-sae toys wrapped
in oil. The practice o stung one bird into
another goes back to ancient Roman times,
so is not quite novel, but the practice has
gotten a bit o a renaissance in recent years,
even so ar as to have John Madden hand out
Turduckens instead o his traditional Turkey
Legs to outstanding players on Thanksgiving.
In act, a completed turducken rather
resembles a ootball. I can imagine a new
sport being created that combines theviolence o ootball with the gluttony o
something like a hot-dog eating contest. Two
men sit at a table, each with a turducken
in ront o them. At the buzzer, they start to
consume said creation, and the rst one to
nish gets 10 points. Then they are hit by a
proessional linebacker, and i they can keep
it all down, they get an additional 10 points.
Season goes or 16 weeks, and we can play
abridged versions during haltime shows o
regular ootball games. Anyone who wants
to help me get this new game show sensation
o the ground is ree to contact me.
In the United Kingdom, a turducken is a
type o ballotine called a three-bird roast
or a royal roast. The Pure Meat Company
oered a ve-bird roast (a goose, a turkey, a
chicken, a pheasant, and a pigeon, stued
with sausage), described as a modern revival
o the traditional Yorkshire Christmas pie, in
1989; and a three-bird roast (a duck stuedwith chicken stued with a pigeon, with sage
and apple stung) in 1990. Multi-bird roasts
are widely available, while a Gooducken is
a goose stued with a duck, which is in turn
stued with a chicken.
So why stop at just three birds? Some
people have not. In his 1807 Almanach
des Gourmands, gastronomist Grimod de
La Reyniere gave us his his rti sans pareil
(roast without equal), consisting o a bustardstued with a turkey, a goose, a pheasant,
a chicken, a duck, a gunea owl, a teal, a
woodcock, a partridge, a plover, a lapwing,
a quail, a thrush, a lark, an ortolan bunting
and a garden warbler. This eat o meat
would be dicult to reproduce today since
many o those birds are listed as endangered.
But again, why stop there? I hav
heard o some carnivorous creationists
wrapping their turducken in bacon, making
a turbacaducken. Now i you dont want to
go through the eort o de-boning all thos
birds yoursel there are several places onlinwhere you can order a turducken which a
simple google search will get you. Just on
more tip or any new turducken enthuiasists
who have read this article and want to hav
a meaty treat or their holiday spreadyou
can broil, bake, braise, barbque, or grill
a turducken, but dont put it in your deep
ryer. Since there is not a hollow cavit
like the regular bird has, the cooking willnot be even, and just wont work. Now i
someone CAN gure out how to deep-ry a
turbacaducken well I nominate that person
or king o the world.
Noah Westerfeld is a an o all things turducken, and you can semore o his ninja rants at www.theninjaspeaks.blogspot.com.
Your Birthday this WeekWITH THE "HEAVENLY BODIES", HELEN AND EILEEN CUNNINGHAM
Happy Birthday Capricorn! Having a birthday this
close to Christmas means you're playing with
house money, but the stars' alignment points
nowhere near your chamber of finances. So Capri-
corn, stay true to your nature of playing fast and
loose, and gamble with your relationships. Just howrude can you be to all of your relatives this holiday
season? Start off the new year right. Instead of
shedding physical weight, shed emotional weight.
Less family, less problems. Happy holidays!
Dear Capricorn, I'm dreaming of a white, whiteChristmas, and I know you are too! Capricorn, thisseason, you'll want to stick to certain traditionsand avoid, shall we say, less savory ones. Outdoordecorations are gaudy and I suggest that youeither work with your hands yourself or have paid"help" on your property do it for you. Avoid anativity as, while the baby Jesus was purest white,
those shepherds and wise men most certainlywere NOT. Only attend holiday parties in which aclean gentleman is checking for mailed invitationsAT THE DOOR. Following these simple tips willhelp you keep this season as bright as it can be!
the hungryGypsy
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SPECIAL SECTION: THE NINJA ON FOOD
-
7/30/2019 TX Citizen 12.20.12
14/1614 TX CITIZEN14 TX CITIZEN
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GUEST MEGATORIAL
-
7/30/2019 TX Citizen 12.20.12
15/16TXCITIZEN.COM 15
Christmas Songs to Burn Beside the Yule Log
Contrary to popular belie, the national
suicide rate does not increase during the
holidays. I it did, however, an argument
could be made that the ollowing eight songs
were a contributing actor:
8) SANTA BABY
Why is this popular? Why does anyone
enjoy hearing a trumped up foozy gold dig
her way into Santas suit? Does she not know
that he knows who is naughty and nice?
What is her end goal? Seduce Santa and
get... lets see... the deed to a platinum mine?
Not the precious metals themselves, but the
mine? Does this bimbo know what goes into
successul mining operations?
7) JINGLE BELL ROCK
Bobby Helms
Amy Grant
Arcade Fire
Ashanti
Billy Idol
Brian Setzer
Chubby Checker
The Chipmunks
Eddie Rabbit
The Fall
Geri Halliwell
Hilary Du
Johnny Mathis
Jonas Brothers
KD Lang
Lou Rawls
Neil DiamondHall & Oates
The Platters
Rascal Flatts
Wayne Newton
These are just some o the artists that
have seen t to carouse with the jezebel
o the Christmas song world. You will hear
this song no less than seven hundred times
beore New Years Day. And its not good.
For Gods sake, Jingle Bells isnt good, and
adding rock seems to make it even more
banal and meaningless. The words Jingle
and Bell appear 19 times each. Its a
mobius strip o a song. Kill it.
6) WONDERFUL CHRISTMASTIMEPaul McCartney trades in a baby grandor the demo key on a Casio keyboard or
the entirety o
this song, and
also orgets
how to play
it. Time stops
while listening
to this song, itsso repetitive.
The universe will
have ended and
the dinging and
donging o the
psychotic choir
o children will continue ad innitum.
Also, i your song tells me that the day,
or the season, or the eeling, only comes
once a year, you lose.
5) I WANT A HIPPOPOTOMUSFOR CHRISTMAS
Sousa-esque marches played underneath
the shrieking demands o an abused eleven-
year-old obviously orced to sing this song so
her untalented hack o a stage mom could
vicariously live or a ew seconds is not my
idea o Christmas music. Also, you cant build
a hippo in a toyshop, so Santas breaking his
back or this one, and the lyric Id eed him
there and wash him there and give him his
massage makes me eel ill.
4) SO THIS IS CHRISTMAS(WAR IS OVER)
Two Beatles on this list! Good lord. WhilePauls eort was brain-crushingly dull and
repetitive, Johns trumps it in those regards
while adding in a heaping spoonul o misery
and guilt. And so this is Christmas, and what
have you done? The world is so wrong?!
Yes, enjoy your little pagan celebration o
consumerism; dont orget, everyone else is
miserable and dying! Keep that in the backo your mind when Grandma opens her new
tea cozy. Dont let her enjoy it, make sure shes
actively supporting
the aid to Djibouti. Is
she thinking what
have you done?
She better be! And
thats only halway
through the song!
What did we ever
do to you, Lennon?
3) ROCKIN AROUND THECHRISTMAS TREE
This song needs to go away. Somethingmust be done. And yet no one seems to
understand. Wonderul, talented, and clearly
intelligent musicians like Hannah Montana
and Aly & AJ (whoever the #### they are)
dont understand that when they do their pop
or, God PLEASE orbid, country covers o
this song, that they are re-animating a long
dead corpse; a shufing plague on mankind,
releasing its hollow, cavernous moan rom
long-decrepit lungs. A zombied song that
should have decomposed years ago, yet,
like all zombies, it seems to gets its license
o lie renewed when the winter reezes its
aged body. The only way to stop a seemingly
unstoppable orce is with equally powerul
orce. We must rise. We must.
I dont like songs that tell me how to eel.
I will not get a sentimental eeling when I hea
voices singing lets be jolly. You know why?
I tried nding a song in which those words
appear in that order: it doesnt exist. I i
does, its not a good enough song to warran
sentimentality, so there! And dont get m
started on the whole Christmas Party Hop
or the ####ing new old ashioned way.
This is why suicide rates (allegedly) tripl
this time o year. This song.
2) GRANDMA GOT RUN OVERBY A REINDEER
For the horrors o this song to really sink
in, youve got to read the lyrics and watch th
video. I wont go into detail, you can nd both
readily online, but here are some highlights:
You can say theres no such thing
as Santa, but as or me and Grandpa,
we believe!
This CHILDRENS song, in the rst rerain,
spills the beans on the whole Santa conspiracy.
Screw you, Elmo, I got a traumatized six yea
old and were only 15 seconds in.
There were hoo prints on her orehead,
and incriminating Claus marks on her back.
CLAUS marks. Thats how it is spelled in
the real lyrics. CLAUS. Which means Santa
either mangled Grandmas body with his bar
hands, or violated the corpse ater she was run
over by his apparently low-fying sleigh. Ugh.
In the nal rerain o the music video,
we see the children GRUESOMELY REENACT
THE EVENTS OF GRANDMAS MURDER
WITH THEIR TOYS. To Hell with this amil
and this song.
1) CHRISTMAS SHOES
You make it through this song once and
no explanation will be necessary. Make sur
you listen in a room with low ceilings.
GUEST MEGATORIALWith Guest Megatorialist Kyle Van Son
Despite claims to the contrary, these make lousy gifts.
-
7/30/2019 TX Citizen 12.20.12
16/16
This Week's LineCrushers!Christina Price: 5-0 @ The Happy Cow
Kelly Gallagher: 4-1 @ The Black Whale Pub
Cheryl Hevzog: 4-1 @ Prickly Pear LoungeBen Jones: 3-2 @ Buffalo Wings and Rings
Doug Hutchinson: 3-2 @ Scores Sports Bar and Grill
Week 14 Accuracy by League:First Place: The Black Whale Pub 63%
Second Place: The Happy Cow 60%
Third Place: Scores Sports Bar and Grill 53%Fourth Place: Prickly Pear Lounge 52%
Fifth Place: Buffalo Wings and Rings 44%
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