Transactional Analysis The games we learn to play 2004 ·...

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Transactional Analysis (TA)

“The Games we learn to Play”

by Sean Germond & Dr Richard Oxtoby Director, Pygmalion Management Consultants cc

© Copyright Protected 2004, 2008

© Copyright Considerations This document represents many hours of research, development, knowledge and experience. Because of the intellectual and financial investment, please respect the copyright by not making copies or adapting any part of the content without my explicit consent. It is both unethical and illegal to do so. Write and tell me of your success with the models and tools, and of course coach me in where there are areas for improvement! Thank you. Sean Germond July 2004, April 2008 Suite 315, Private Bag X16, Constantia, 7848, South Africa


©2013,Copyright Protected, Sean Germond of 8

The Games We Learn to Play

The Power of Past Experience We come into this world with very few pre-‐wired, innately determined patterns of response to stimuli. At birth we had no skills or knowledge to deal with the countless business or most of the personal problems which have come our way in the past year or so. What we did come into the world equipped with, however, and which has enabled us to cope at least reasonably successfully with those problems, is the ability to learn from experience. From all the situations we have had to deal with in our past we have acquired certain attitudes, beliefs, and patterns of behaviour, habits which we then apply to the new situations which confront us every day.

As human beings we make a very good job of learning habits based on past experience, and applying those habits in new situations which seem in some way similar to the past situations in which we originally acquired those habits. What we do not make such a good job of (and what we need to pay much attention to if we are to grow and develop psychologically) is differentiating between experiences that in some important respect are similar, but in their detail are very different. For instance, if we grew up with a very dominant and perhaps punitive father (or mother), whose disapproval we feared and in whose presence we experienced a lot of anxiety, all the responses we experienced in our parent’s presence (our fear, our timid, withdrawing body language, our unassertive tone of voice, and the placating “Adapted Child” things we used to say) are likely to be repeated when as adults we are in the presence of an older man (or woman) who we perceive to be in authority over us.

In fact the situations of being the largely helpless and dependent child of an aggressively dominant parent and being the subordinate of an aggressively dominant boss (or the colleague of an aggressively dominating individual), whilst having something in common, are more different than they are similar. The major difference, of course, is that the subordinate is no longer a helpless, dependent child but an independent adult, with adult skills and experience, and the ability to use sophisticated adult strategies to deal with situations of unacceptable behaviour in other adults. Fully realising the fundamental difference between the childhood and the adult work situations is, however, something that does not necessarily happen spontaneously and the individual caught up in such a situation often needs the help of a wise and supportive guide to help them to that full realisation.

Similar considerations apply to positive emotional and behavioural habits we acquired in childhood, and which in later life we transfer onto lovers, friends and work colleagues. We shall be more concerned with habits of thought, experience and behaviour with negative emotional associations, because these are the ones that cause us distress in later life, and which often snarl up efficient functioning in the workplace.

For now we simply note that when as adults we encounter a new situation for the first time, we do not come to that situation as a “blank slate”, but bring with us a host of emotional, cognitive and behavioural responses acquired from past experience, which we apply to the new situation as best we can. As the old proverbs remind us “As the twig is bent, so grows the tree”, “Die appel val nie ver van die boom af nie.”, and (in a regrettably sexist way) “Like father like son”.

We inherit patterns of behaviour and experience from our past life experiences, and we instinctively apply those habits to new situations as best we can. One of the many exciting potentials offered by a learning programme such as this one, is a chance to look at those previously acquired patterns of behaviour and to see whether or not we are applying them in the most effective and successful way, or whether we need to learn that many of the situations we meet in adult life are not carbon copies of early life experiences, and do require us to have new patterns of response if we are to achieve our full potential and the organisation is to benefit maximally from the time we spend working on its behalf.



Transactional Analysis -‐ The dynamics of our Interactions Transactional Analysis (TA), is a simple but powerful model of human personality and functioning which was developed about 50 years ago by the American Psychiatrist Eric Berne.

Transactional Analysis (TA) is a way of looking at what goes on between people and inside people. It can explain human situations in a way that gives insight into what is happening in a current interaction. TA is widely used in management: education; politics; religion; training; counselling; psychotherapy and psychiatry. TA is also popular because, by and large, it uses everyday language as understood by people of all ages. The ultimate function of TA is to lead people to a point where they can monitor their unsatisfactory experiences, and modify or change their behaviour so as to help themselves to become 'winners'. It is also a powerful tool to ensure that you do “act your age” where and when it is appropriate to do so!

“Although most people over the age of 21 like to regard themselves as grown up, we are well aware that we do not always behave like adults” (Richard Oxtoby.).

How often have we heard someone described as an ‘overgrown schoolboy’, or heard it said that ‘she really has not grown up’. We may even recognise that there are times when we feel like a child again, either in a positive sense (because we suddenly feel so light-‐hearted and free of responsibility) or in a negative sense (because of something that has humiliated us, and we feel as though we have been treated like a naughty child. (Dr Oxtoby, “Loving, a guide to better relationships”,1989, p.42)

Eric Berne, and American psychiatrist writing in the sixties, took this idea and developed it to form the basis of an approach to understanding human relationships called Transactional Analysis. As a theory of personality, transactional analysis gives us a picture of how people are structured psychologically using the three-‐part Ego State Model (PAC Model), known as “Parent, Adult, and Child”. Berne’s work is based on the famous research, theory and contributions made by the famous Viennese doctor, Sigmund Freud in the early 20th Century. His work demonstrated the big influence that early life events have on later psychological life as adults, and how often things we no longer remember can and do continue to influence our behaviour and experience. Freud focussed on “upsetting events”, but recent research has also demonstrated that the brain stores a huge amount of even trivial information about what has happened to us.

What does TA mean by “ego-‐states” An ego state is a set of related behaviours, thoughts, and feelings, a way in which we manifest a part of our personality at a given time. Transactional analysis portrays three ego states. Despite the fact that we may like to think of ourselves as behaving like an Adult, TA shows that there are often times when we switch into one of the other two ego states. At times, this switch is so dramatic, that it is almost as if another person has taken over! The person adopts a different tone of voice, posture, mannerism. Clearly, there are times when this dramatic change in “ego state” is appropriate (e.g., a father playing rough and tumble with his 4 year old son), but often this changed ego state is not appropriate (not emotionally intelligent), and you are struck by the negative impact that it has on the other person (e.g., the father getting quickly annoyed by his son’s playing, and his whole tone becomes stern, patronising and punitive).



The three ego states are:

Parent (behaving, thinking, feeling in ways that are a copy of one of my parents or other parent figures): This includes memories of all the things that our parents and other “parental” figures (including teachers, older siblings, and other adults) said and did to us. This experience forms the “Parent” in us.

Adult (behaving, thinking, feeling in response to what is going on around me in the here and now): This is our normal state as an adult, when we are behaving quite naturally and really “being ourselves” in a conscious way, and thus is called the “Adult”.

Child (behaving, thinking, feeling that I used when I was a child): The way we naturally were as children, as well as the sort of child we became to please our parents or adapt to our environment, are stored in the nervous system and forms the “Child” within us.

The value of the TA model is to understand how and when we get “hooked” and move into an inappropriate transaction with either ourselves or with our relationships with others. Staying in the appropriate “I’m OK You’re OK” transaction is a critical competence on behalf of the effective manager!

TA: Understanding your interactions with others The TA model has great use in terms of understanding your interaction (transactions) with others. In essence, effective peer communication/interaction should be based on Adult-‐to-‐Adult transactions. Often, as a manager you will be "Hooked” by your sub-‐ordinate’s poor performance, for example, and find yourself in the “Critical Parent” mode. In other words, his “stubborn”, “unrealistic” behaviour provokes (HOOKS!) your “judgmental”, “authoritarian” tendencies. Think about it for a moment: what is your characteristic Management Style?

• -‐ve Critical Parent (discipline, “big stick”, rules and policies” approach to managing people)

• =ve Critical Parent (setting boundaries, holding others to account, directing actions)

• +ve Nurturing Parent (Motivating, providing support, positive feedback),

• -‐ve Nurturing Parent (covering up, being inconsistent because you feel sorry for a particular employee -‐ who is “hooking” you with his –ver Dependent Child style: i.e., playing the victim), or

• +ve Adult (the most Assertive position) by being logical, objective, basing you intervention on facts, and appealing to your sub-‐ordinate’s own +ve Adult tendencies…

• -‐ve Adult (being overly logical, all head and no feelings)



Extract – Author Unknown Imagine that your personality has three big divisions. In one is stored all your childhood thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. In another is stored all your memories of your parent's thoughts, feelings and behaviors. And the third section is your current thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. These areas of your personality have been called your Child, Parent, and Adult ego states. Have you ever seen a mature person (perhaps yourself) act like a child, expressing thoughts, feelings, or behavior like a child? Odds are that person was 'in' the Child part of their personality, which would be very similar to the way they were as a child. Maybe you've experienced this when you go back home for a visit: you walk in the front door and feel like a kid again, relating to your parents the same old way you used to, not at all like the adult you normally are. You're in your Child ego state. Same goes for when you find yourself acting just like your mother or father; standing in the same posture, hand on a hip, pointing and wagging your finger, lecturing others about how they ought to behave (maybe even lecturing others on the same tired old reasons that you heard for doing something). Well you're in your Parent ego state, replaying what you saw in your parents. As for the Adult ego state; when you are responding to the present with thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that are appropriate for a mature grown up person who has many options and decision making capabilities, then you are in your Adult. Typically, the Adult collects information and estimates the probabilities of consequences of various alternative courses of behavior, then chooses the most appropriate one. You have your unique PAC (Parent Adult Child) ego states, and I have mine. So when we get together to communicate or relate to each other, any of my PAC ego states can be interacting with any of your PAC ego states. For example I could start out in Child with a complaining sound to my voice "I could not do anything about this…" And you might respond from your Parent with an accusing sound to your voice "I cannot believe you did that". Image where that conversation will go? Once you get the idea of ego states relating to each other, figuring out what's going on between people is a whole lot easier. This is one of the strengths of TA (Transactional Analysis). Not only can the ego states of one person interact with the ego states of another; but they interact within a person. Your Parent ego state, and your Child ego state are constantly relating to each other. For example have you ever had this kind of internal dialogue: "Get out of bed lazybones." "Just a few more minutes, but I'm so tired." Understanding these internal conversations can go a long way to solving many personal problems that you have with others.



Staying in the ADULT Be sensitive to your OWN FEELINGS

Know your own PARENT and your CHILD

Your strength is RESTRAINT!

Practice identifying P-‐A-‐C in INTERNAL DIALOGUE

Be an ADULT to yourself!

ADULT is guided by basic VALUES (know your own value system!)

Recognise and Accept what you can’t change, work with what you can!

Mutual TRUST & RESPECT = Strong Basis for HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

The “ADULT 1-‐2-‐3” strategy… 1 = Aknowledge the other person’s feelings

2 = Assert your own feelings

3 = Focus on the Issue and not the person

Above all: “PERSISTANCE DESPITE RESISTANCE”!

And finally, the life positions and implications for communication

2002. copyright protected, pygamlion management consultants cc

Life Positions

J JJ LL JL L

I’m Ok, You’re OK

I’m Ok, You’re not OK

I’m not Ok, You’re OK

I’m not Ok, You’re not OK

Note: NP = Nurturing Parent, CP = Critical and Controlling Parent, A = Adult SC = Spontaneous (or natural) Child, A = Adapted Child, and RC = Rebellious Child. • Communications from parent to child will be most effective in achieving positive results for the client if

they come from some combination of the NP, A and SC ego-‐states. A and NP are particularly important because one of the hallmarks of being in either of these states is that the individual listens, really listens, to what he or she is being told.

• Regardless of the detailed content of the message, communications from the NP, A and SC states are the most effective from which to send empowering messages to another person, because they are all conditioned by an implicit attitude of “You’re OK”.



• Although all three of the NP, A and SC child states are very positive states to be in and to communicate from, too much time spent in any single one of them will produce less than ideal results.

• What the CP, AC and RC states all have in common is that they contain at least one “Not OK” message, and therefore imply an interaction which is to some extent adversarial in nature. If a relationship is adversarial this implies that some degree of force (even if it is only psychological force) is being used, which in turn necessarily implies that in some of the interactions between the two parties there will be at least some degree of defensiveness.

• Communications from the CP state are particularly prone to arouse defensiveness in that preserving our independent identity, and resisting all efforts to make us something that we are not, is one of the human being’s strongest instincts.

• When a discussion is generating “more heat than light” one can be fairly sure that at least one party is communicating to the other from the CP state, and at least one of them is responding from either the RC or CP state, or most probably, struggling backwards and forwards between the RC and CP states, in a desperate attempt to get control of the situation, i.e. to be the controller rather than the being controlled.

• Another problem with the CP state so far as managing others is concerned is that “knowledge/information is power” and the authoritarian boss, for example (for whom the CP state is his or her home base), has no intention of giving away all his knowledge/information (and therefore in his own eyes) all his power. Keeping the direct report “subordinate”, inferior, disempowered is often a powerful motivation of the manager when they are operating from the Critical/Controlling Parent ego state.

• From time to time in any management relationship it will be necessary to give negative feedback to the employee. It is probably safe to say that for the vast majority of employees in any organisation, the experience of receiving negative feedback has been one of receiving it from someone’s Critical and Controlling Parent ego-‐state. This experience is invariably destructive to at least some degree. Beneath all the specific detail of the communication one message comes through loud and clear “You’re not OK”. This is hurtful, undermines our self-‐confidence and tends to arouse a defensive rebellious counterattack, which wastes a lot of energy which could be more constructively used.

• All that is valuable in negative feedback can be given just as effectively from the Adult ego-‐state. The distinctive characteristics of negative feedback from this state is that:

o The person delivering the feedback never passes judgement on any issue until he or she has heard as many sides of the story as it is possible to get.

o Criticism is directed at whatever is wrong with what the person did, not at defects in the intelligence or personality of the person making the mistakes

o Criticism of the faulty behaviour is always balanced by plenty of attention to what the individual did right in the situation.

o The person receiving negative feedback is always reminded, in respect of whatever mistakes he or she made, that “The only thing wrong with making a mistake is not learning from it.”

Notes….

Developed and Edited by Sean Germond, with contributions by Dr Richard Oxtoby Copyright protected, all rights reserved Cape Town October 2004, revised April 2008

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