Torah Times

2
The Torah Times Parshat Beshalach Copyright © 2012 The Torah Times ONE SHEKEL “It’s What’s Happening!” MIdBAr ZIN, IYAr 14- Members of the Opposition Teluna Party have issued numerous complaints and dire warnings of grave food emergencies and serious star- vation that are threatening Israel. “This so-called ‘exodus’ is going nowhere; it’s a dead end! How long can we subsist on 30-day old left- over Matzah crackers? You can’t feed hun- gry people with mira- cles!” they complained. The same opposition party had also protested, “Are there no graves in Egypt?” when Israel was at the brink during the red Sea crisis three weeks ago. “Our leaders are reckless and irresponsible,” com- plained Miss Lonen, an Opposition leader. “This whole “Exodus” concept is a major mistake, run- ning out in utter haste without proper planning into this deserted forsak- en place. “Instead of just look- ing up to Heaven, we need leaders who are down to earth!” Watchamacallit?! Man oh Man! This watchamacallit (how else to describe this strange stuff) leaves so much to be desired. The nondescript food makes me yearn for the good old days, the fleshpots and zesty tastes of leek, garlic and onion. The stuff goes bad in one day! No shelf life, no sav- ing grace, barely allowing you to live from one day to the next, it gets all rotten and wormy by the next morn- ing. Besides, the delivery is irregular and unreliable. One day you get one portion, the next day you get double, and the next day you get nothing! Weren’t we promised daily delivery? I tried to find something to eat the day after Friday, but there wasn’t a morsel! All gone! This food is for the birds! This spiritual stuff don’t agree with my system. Something’s obviously wrong when it stays in your stomach, and you get no bowel movement. It’s really so boring to keep on eating the same thing over and over again. Manna in the morning, Manna in the evening, Manna at suppertime..." critic FOOD by Miss Lonen Torah Tops for Education Directions: Instant, needs no prepa- ration. Grind or cook if necessary. Portion con- trol. Follow instructions. No Sabbath delivery. One portion per person Questions or comments? Call 1-800-MOSHE Complaints? Call 1-800 I M NUDNIK Exodus a Disaster! Wood you believe? Marah’s BITTERSWEET TREATED WATER Another Heavenly Product, Unlimited RECIPE CORNER As You Like It! You don't need to be a gourmet chef with fancy recipes, measuring cups, tsps, tbsps and those hard to get ingredients. Be creative and imaginative. Just think of the various possibilities, depending on your taste. There's so much to enjoy by hav- ing the right attitude. Wholesome & nutritious, assorted flavors. Naturally honey sweet, season to your taste. Zin Zenet! One Omer No Preservatives added HISTORIC COLLECTOR’S ITEM! Expiration Date: 1 Day After Delivery This box helps you think out of the box! ...the best to you each morning! Heavenly! A MIRACLE product! Precious Stones in special portions! FRESH DAILY! Dual packed to preserve freshness. Keep in shade away from sun. HP Nutrition Facts: Servings 2 Contents 1/10 efah RDA 100% Supernatural 100% Natural 0% Waste 0% Residue 0% H a s h g a c h a P r a ti s S u p e r v i s i o n Special reporting by Dawson and Avi Ramm Are there no graves in Egypt?

description

"Torah-Times" by Rabbi Rubin with the Manna and the Splitting of the Sea in a light, enjoyable newspaper format (incorporating many subtle hints to Midrashic commentary etc)

Transcript of Torah Times

Page 1: Torah Times

The Torah TimesParshat Beshalach Copyright © 2012 The Torah Times ONE SHEKEL

“It’s What’sHappening!”

MIdBAr ZIN, IYAr 14-Members of the OppositionTeluna Party have issuednumerous complaints anddire warnings of grave foodemergencies and serious star-vation that are threateningIsrael.

“This so-called ‘exodus’ isgoing nowhere;it’s a dead end!How long canwe subsist on30-day old left-over Matzahcrackers? Youcan’t feed hun-gry people with mira-cles!” they complained.

The same oppositionparty had also protested,“Are there no graves inEgypt?” when Israel was atthe brink during the red Seacrisis three weeks ago.

“Our leaders are recklessand irresponsible,” com-plained Miss Lonen, an

Opposition leader. “Thiswhole “Exodus” conceptis a major mistake, run-ning out in utter hastewithout proper planninginto this deserted forsak-en place.

“Instead of just look-ing up to Heaven, we

need leaders who are downto earth!”

Watchamacallit?!Man oh Man! This watchamacallit (how else to

describe this strange stuff) leaves so much to be desired.The nondescript food makes me yearn for the good

old days, the fleshpots and zesty tastes of leek, garlicand onion.

The stuff goes bad in one day! No shelf life, no sav-ing grace, barely allowing you to live from one day tothe next, it gets all rotten and wormy by the next morn-ing.

Besides, the delivery is irregular and unreliable. Oneday you get one portion, the next day you get double,and the next day you get nothing!

Weren’t we promised daily delivery? I tried to findsomething to eat the day after Friday, but there wasn’t amorsel! All gone! This food is for the birds!

This spiritual stuff don’t agree with my system.Something’s obviously wrong when it stays in yourstomach, and you get no bowel movement.

It’s really so boring to keep on eating the same thingover and over again.

Manna in the morning, Manna in the evening,Manna at suppertime..."

criticFOOD by Miss Lonen

Torah Tops

for Education

Directions:

Instant, needs no prepa-

ration. Grind or cook if

necessary. Portion con-

trol. Follow instructions.

No Sabbath delivery.

One portion per personQuestions or comments?

Call 1-800-MOSHE Complaints? Call

1-800 I M NUDNIK

Exodus a Disaster!

Wood you believe?Marah’s

BITTERSWEETTREATED WATERAnother Heavenly Product, Unlimited

RECIPE CORNER

As You Like It!You don't need to be

a gourmet chef withfancy recipes, measuring cups, tsps, tbsps and those hard to getingredients. Be creative and

imaginative. Just thinkof the various possibilities,

depending on yourtaste. There's so

much to enjoy by hav-

ing the right attitude.

Wholesome &

nutritious,

assorted flavors.

Naturally honey sweet,

season to your taste.

Zin Zenet!

One Omer

No

Preservatives

added

HISTORICCOLLECTOR’S

ITEM!

Expirati

on Date:

1 Day A

fter Deli

very

This box helps you

think out of the box!

...the best to you each morning!

Heaven

ly!

A MIRACLE

product!

Preciou

s Stone

s

in spec

ial portio

ns!

FRESH DAILY!

Dual pa

cked to

preserve

freshn

ess.

Keep in

shade a

way

from sun

. HP

Nutrition Facts:Servings

2

Contents 1/10 efah

RDA 100%

Supernatural100%

Natural 0%

Waste 0%

Residue 0%

Has

hgac

haPratis Supervision

Special reporting by Dawson and Avi Ramm

Are there no

graves in

Egypt?

Page 2: Torah Times

WOMAN IN THE NEWS:

MiriamBorn in a very bitter and

oppressive time, sweet littleMiriam had worked to save herbrethren many years ago, whenour Jewish leadership was still inits infancy.

Always optimistic, 'Big sister'Miriam was an enduring source ofstrength, confidence and hope,even when respected communalleaders had predicted gloom anddoom.

Her sense of Vision and fore-sight allowed Miriam to offer mar-ital advice to divorced couples;marriage counseling that helpedrepair many a broken family.

Her patient wait-and-see atti-tude stood by her when thingsdidn't seem to work out as hoped,when her predictions seemed togo down the drain. Her persist-ence allowed her to eventually seethe results of her efforts.

A dedicated mother’s helper,Miriam volunteered as a pediatricnurse in the maternity wards, car-ing for crying children and rock-ing them to sleep with soothinglullabies. She also served as a con-sultant/coordinator for adoptivemothers seeking a nurse for theirbaby.

This week, Miriam debuted asa talented composer with a nineword choreographed musical,playing and singing for womenaudiences.

Miriam is not afraid to expressherself, regardless of where thechips may fall. To this day, Miriamis responsible for a daily anti-Lashon Hora shiur for men andwomen.

When Miriam does something,she certainly does it well. A foun-tain of inspiration, she gushesforth with life wherever she goes,flowing with goodwill. All’s wellthat ends well.

Grace in Sea Major

This impromptu per-formance lacked the

usual concert accouter-ments: no advertise-ments, acoustics orauditions; no fancystage or grand cur-tains; no recitals orrehearsals; no phil-

harmonic orchestra orvirtuoso.

No memorizing notes, dexter-ity of players’ hands or fiddlingof the fingers.

Yet this spontaneous outpour-ing became a splashing success!What it lacked in physical equip-ment, it more than made up inspirit, culminating in a grandfinale.

Millions attended without Pror tickets or reservations. Insteadof paid performers, the audiencejoined in, with jubilant melodiessung from the heart.

Octwaves rising to a tri-umphant crescendo, liberationreverberated through young andold in a fervent and ecstatic syn-chronized chorus, flowingsmoothly, all on the same wave-length; joy and elation echoed bywave after wave of thunderousapplause engulfing the area.

Neatly arranged like alternatecourses, each stanza and sentencerepresenting an additional brick,rising higher and higher, formingtall columns of an imposing edi-fice.

Buoyant voices rising incadence drowned out the opposi-tion, as nature returned to fill thevoid.

The tambourine performancereflected years of preparation andpersistent practice, which helpedthe player stay in tune, ready forthat very special moment.

Special thanks to "The Birds"ensemble who flew in for the cel-ebration.

musical NOTESI Remember When...

Seaing Is Believing!By Shifcha Seymour

As a simple domestic maid, I’mvery flattered to share my specialview and perspective of the amaz-ing red Sea Crossing.

Let’s sea. I'm really not awriter, and I don’t have the spiri-tual insight, eloquence or prophet-ic perception of Ezekiel’s divineChariot, but this was really some-thing out of this world!

Billions of pails of water weresuddenly mopped up, that wewere able to walk right through!If only I could dry myfloors so easily!

Taking the plunge,crystal clear channels

offered fruits and gushed forthwith fresh water drink-ing fountains! Ecstatic,we broke into a joyoussing-a-long.O my G-d! The divine

spirit was actually palpable,you could feel it, l’pailmamash!

Sorry, that’s it for now.I must go back to

work, mop-ping up. You

can’t alwaysrely on miracles!

Side ASHIRA by the Sea

Upbeat Allegro tunes!#1 Top 10 Hit! Free! Divine! Wonderful!

Inspired! A rich Experience! Drowns out oppression!

Presented by:Moshe Rabenu: Solo

Children of Israel Choir: VoicePercussion: Miriam

High pitched vocals: BirdsFirst visuals: Children

Layout and design: Areach/LevanaSelections: -Az Yashir- Ashir- Azi- Zeh E-li-Mi Kamocha - Ad Yavor - Hashem yimloch-" Better than Ezekiel" - Maid's Review

Side BShirat DevorahUpbeat, Allegro tunes!#4 of the Top 10!

Ben Avinoam Presents...Shirat Devorah Songs of Victory!

Plus.. Top of Yael!Background: Nachal KishonMournful Blues: Aim Sisra

Special thanks to Zevulun & Naftali

Selections: Uri Uri- Ad Shakamti- LamaYashavta - Kol M'chazzim - Mini

Ephraim - Tzidkas Pirzono - T'vorachminashim - Zeh Sinai -

NEW RELEASE!

Jewish MusicThe NewWave

in• Free! • Free!Free! • Free!

#1 AMONG THETOP TEN SONGS!

Forward: by Nachshon B. Aminadav

FAITHFULRENDITION By Miriam Aarons and the Tambourines

Top Flight Accompaniment by

"The Birds" Main Act:

"Greatest Aquatic Show on Earth!"• 12 Channels

• Presenting: "Moses & The Sons of Israel"in Live Concert

• Spectacular Seanic Views• Original Cantorial

JEWISH WOMEN’S CIRCLE PRESENTS

TheTambourinesJoin the Miriamathon!

S I N G A L O N G P E R F O R M A N C E

At the Crossings, WaterburyFruit and Refreshments