EE||I||RIII."You cun't be a real country unless you hwe a beerand an airline. It helps ifyou have some kind of a

football tesm, or some nuclear weapons, but at thevery least you need a beer. " (Frank Zappa)

The masterly Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. revealedthe ending of Slaughterhouse Five on thefirst page, so readers would not be shocked,surprised or otherwise distressed. So in thisspirit, and for those who don't alreadykog*, the outcome of my court date of May18th was as follows: 6 month suspendedsentence, $500 fine (of which $445 wassuspended) and 2 years supervisedprobation. In detail, standard conditions ofthe probation are:o Report as directed and follow your

Supervisor's lawful instructions.o Work or attend school regularly as

directed.o Get permission from your Supervisor

before: changing your home address,changing your job, leaving the State ofMaryland, owning, possessing, using orhaving under your control any dangerousweapon or firearm of any description.

. Obey all laws and incur no serious motorviolation.

o Notify your Supervisor at once ifcharged with a criminal offense and/orj ailable traffic offenses.

o Permit your Supervisor to visit yourhome unannounced.

o Do not illegally possess, use or sell anynarcotic drug, controlled substance orrelated paraphernalia.

. Appear in court when notified to do so.

Special conditions of the probation are:o Submit to alcohol and drug evaluation,

testing and treatment as directed by yourSupervisor and pay any required costs.

o Complete Calvert County TreatmentFacility and any aftercare theyrecommend and pay costs.

The Special Recommendations of theCalvert County Treatment Facility are asfollows:o Abstain from alcohol and illicit drugs.o Enter and successfully complete

aftercare addictions counseling atChesapeake Counseling Network,Dunkirk site. Counseling should includegroup, individual and couples sessions.

o Submit to random testing for alcohol bybreath and urine.

o If signs or symptoms of relapse occur, bemedically evaluated for Antabuse orReVIA therapy.

o Twelve step group participation isrecommended but Mr. Farey is unwillingto agree to this.

The above is verbatim from DistrictCourt and CCTF documentation.

In other news, no surprise that themailing of This Here #2 was late in the USagain, and didn't in fact get out until I did,so to speak. Apologies to those whoreceived TAFF voting forms well after theclosing date, but the Mason woman won bya landslide anyway.

I called the Maryland Motor VehicleAdministration the other day to find out if Ihad a license suspension hearing scheduled(last I checked, my license was suspendedanyway), and learned that I am in factsuspended, revoked and expired. No wonderI feel so tired all the time. The glacial paceof MVA bureaucracy no doubt ensuresplenty to complain about in issues to come -I am advised that my probation will likely beup before I ever see a driver's license withrny picture on it.

Nic Farey May 2000

-l -

I lfld ltt flHt $antra Bilhdt lPant tlMy original intent with sharing the joys

of my 28-day rehab program was to use adiary format, perhaps parodying some of themore well known US Civil War diaries ofyore. The main problem with this is first,that we're kept so damn busy in there that Ihaven't had time to make any noteswhatsoever, and second, believe it or don't,I'm not really feeling that cynical about theprocess. Truth to tell, I reckon if I'dundertaken this program after my secondDWI, the third might likely not havehappened.

Yes, by God, I might be actually learningsomething here! (Good googaly moogaly!)

We are a disparate, and possibly dissolutelittle group of fellow travelers. One of thethings we were told on our first weekend isthat we should expect to bond, and ourprimary counselor Fatoumata Thiam (callher "Fatou", in fact anything except "FatTomato") earnestly told us that she felt wewere 'special' in some way in terms of ourgroup dynamic. True, and not true.

Claude (a.k.a. 'Mac') checked in aboutthe same time I did on April 2l't, cussing upa storm and drunk off his ass. I had thedubious pleasure of waiting in the sameroom while he stomped about, identifyinganything that moved and some things thatdidn't as "motherfuckers", and with his wifeexhibiting a saintly patience. OK, sez I,stereotyping the while, this is obviously oneto watch - file under "Angry Man #1" anddon't piss him off.

George (a.k.a. 'Chuck', 'Bumout') hadalready been in the facility for a few days,and as it turned out was bunked next to me.He'd just got in from a detox place, and maywell have had more drugs and less braincells in his system than anyone I have evermet (including Gamma). George is 39, butlooks a strange combination of younger andolder at the same time - somewhat cherubicfeatures, but with an unhealthy pallor. Insome undefinable way he comes across asone of life's innocents.

Denise looks tenible. She wears one ofthose tight-fitting skullcap things, has theshakes and a permanent scowl. She alsocomplains continuously and aggressivelyfires pointed questions at anyone whohappens by. She speaks quickly and with anunusual (to me) accent which is hard tounderstand. (I later learn she is comingdown off some serious drugs, and will be inthe program long-term after her 28 days isup.) We find out that she once shot anabusive boyfriend with a .38.

Tony has a mouthful of gold in moreways than one. A front tooth has a star cutinto the gold cap, it's quite striking. We'rethe same age (though Tony tums a yearolder the day after we get out), and he's asex-obsessed cut-up! He's been clean for 8months or so, but has something like 11DWIs, and was sent to this program by thejudge. Any time I get out of breath fromtalking to much, Tony takes up the slackwith alacrity.

Bill is quiet, one might even say studious.He has the general demeanor (and thespectacles) of, say, a classics professor at aminor college, thoughtful and deliberate, butwith a definite sense of humor undemeath itall. We leam he works for the printingdepartment of the US Treasury, producingpostage stamps and paper money, but we areunable to secure any free samples. Bill'spotentially in more trouble than any of us,because his case is in Federal Court.

Just in time to save the world from toomuch quietness comes Sean, immediatelytagged "Angry Man #2". Definitely do notpiss him off - he used to box and still worksout, as can plainly be seen. His favoriteword seems to be "bullshit", closelyfollowed by variants of "fuck", always in thepejorative sense.

Then came Brad. We hit it off prettymuch from the start - we're from similargenerations, in similar cirmunstances (he'smarried with three kids, and it's also histhird DWI) and we share some of the sameinterests. Brad's easy to talk to, and in manyways I suppose we recognized kindredspirits in each other. Also, amazingly, we

found that we only live about six or sevenmiles apart. Odd that we'd never run intoeach other previously (although we mayhave done without knowing), but we'vetended to hang out in different places (that'swhen I do any "hanging out"), and Brad'sonly been living in the county for threeyears, since they moved down here fromPrince George's county. Brad's stereotype is"regular guy".

And then there was me.

IunoslFirst off, and totally as expected, the

Mighty Mighty Bosstones' single So Sad ToSay is awesomely fuckin' ass-kickinganazing. But then you already knew that.

And now for something completelydifferent... Really good torch singers are arare breed, especially when they go againstthe grain of expectations (Marc Almondbeing one example, and once he found histrue voice, as fine a torch singer as youcould wish). I read a recent review of UteLemper's CD Punishing Kiss, and wasimmediately attracted by the caliber ofsongwriters (including Elvis Costello andTom Waits and a very rare surfacing of thereclusive Scott Walker), some of whom arelisted on the front cover, as well they shouldbe. Lemper has made her name primarily asa cabarct and stage singer, and is regardedby many as today's foremost interpreter ofBrecht/Weill and Weimar republic songs.

Punishing Klss finds Lemper with morecontemporary material, some songs wdttenspecifically for her.

Neil Hannon (of the Divine Comedy)duets with Lemper on Weill's The TangoWaltz, as well as contributing the album'sopening track, and the voices work welltogether, giving lines like "the whorehousewhere we used to live" more than therequired relish! Punishing Klss as a wholeserved to remind me how much I've enjoyedthis style of music in the past and, but forthe current lack of a working turntable,would have had me digging out those oldJulie London albums for a night ofunashamed smoky cabaret.

I've never been a real big fan ofMatchbox 20, and though I enjoyed Smooth,Rob Thomas' contribution to my 1999album of the year (Santana's Supernatural),it has been overplayed to the point ofnausea. Thomas' success with this, though,has been used to stir interest in the new M20CD (Mad Season, due May 23'd; and thesingle Bent, which to me sounds like aBackstreet Boys song with rock guitarsadded. The tune, while catchy, seems likesomething you've heard a million timesbefore, and only Thomas' (admittedly good)voice saves it from total oblivion. This lackof songwriting quality would not bode wellfor Mad Season.

Likewise, Miserable, the current singleby Lit, encourages me not at all to bung $15on their CD. The opening lyric suggests awitty effort, ("You make me come, youmake me complete, you make mecompletely miserable...) but the rest doesn'thold up. You might expect a tune calledMiserable to be a bit of a dirge, but thisdoesn't do it for me.

Frohvets please leave now, rap mentionsahead...

The Blessed Bobbie used to be surprised,but is now just mildly amused that her eldestson Joe (aged 19) and I often discuss musicwhen we all get together, and we do havesimilar tastes in a lot of the newer stuff (andwe also generally listen to the same radiostations). The new wave of 'metal/rap' is

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pretty popular with younger white kids rightnow. Who'd'a thunk that the Beastie Boyswould become de facto elder statesmen of amoderately lasting musical genre? I'veenjoyed a lot of the output of Kid Rock(self-described "white trash rap"), and hissuccess is no doubt due in part to having thesense to release two versions of his DevilWithout A Cause CD - one so heavily'bleeped' as to be suitable for massdistribution in stores such as Wal-Mart, theother 'dirty version' generally only availablein pure music stores. I'd never liked LimpBizkit, only having heard the 'Nookie' song,but under persuasion from Joe checked outsome of their other material and waspleasantly surprised. The samples (and tunes- yes, there are tunes) are well-chosen andthoughtfully put together, and the lyrics(OK, when you can understand them) aregenerally intelligent. How 'bout themapples?

This leads me in to soundtrack albums.Just about any movie these days aims tomake beaucoup $$ from merchandising aswell as ticket money, and that obviouslyincludes the soundtrack. You can riflethrough the movie album section at yourlocal music store and find some excellentcompilations which will often save youhaving to buy an artist's CD just on thestrength of the single (as I did with the bandHarvey Danger, and their CD blew deadbear). The soundtrack for The Other Sister,for example, has a lot of good stuff, and wasthe only place at the time you could get thesingle by Savage Garden, so we bought that.

Limp Bizkit follow in U2's illustriousfootsteps by contributing the theme to thissummer's Mission: Impossible 2, and it's anexcellent effort indeed. While a whole hourof them alone might still be too much for meto take, the soundtrack album contains sometrific stuff, including Metallica's currentsingle I Disappeor, as well as offerings bysuch diverse acts as Tori Amos, Godsmack,Buckchery and the Butthole Surfers. Onetrack I'm really looking forward to hearingwill be the cover of Pink Floyd's Have ACigar by the excellent Foo Fighters (no

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strangers to cover versions after theirastounding version of Geny Rafferty'sBaker Street) and guitarist Brian May.

Off to the store, and I'll let you know!

na$ft'Needless to say, the program at CCTF

does not revolve around the rasslin' showson TV, so I'd have been somewhat out oftouch with things were in not for my faithfulchecking in at wrvw.wrestlezone.com on a moreor less daily basis. Since the radio plugs thenight's TV continuously, I'm reminded ofwhat I'm missing, plus since this is the tailend of the Spring season, I've lost out on abunch of new episodes of Star Trek:Voyager and 7 Days. It's odd to be in aposition to be thankful for sunmer repeats.

After the WCWyear and the firing

ratings collapse of lastof head booker Eric

Bischoff, the company decided to poachfrom WWF the two guys who weresupposedly the architects of their success:Vince Russo and Ed Fererra. They began theshake-up, but Russo was bumped whenratings did not show any immediateimprovement, although insiders were sayingthat backroom politics at TNT and WCWhad a lot to do with this. The pathetic littlepower struggle left one Kevin Sullivan incharge, and Sullivan is cited as one of themain reasons so much of the talent jumpedship, since he was generally disliked bymany of the wrestlers, and worse, not trustedby them.

Sullivan was allowed a month or so toshove WCW fuither round the U-bend, untilit was more than obvious that SomethingMust Be Done. That something turned out tobe the return of Bischoff as head booker,with Russo as head writer. Storylines got animmediate jumpstart, and while there's stilla lot I don't like quite so well (how the fuckcould you let David Arquette hold theChampionship Belt for 5 minutes, let alonetwo weeks?!?) the main angle of"Millionaires Club" (the older talent such asHogan, Sting, Diamond Dallas Page et al)versus the'New Blood" (Vampiro, Kidman,Shane Douglas...) seems to be workingwell. New talent has been stolen - er, I meansigned from other promotions, mostnotably Mike Awesome and Chris Candido.

Russo, who had previously sworn offever appearing on cunera, has made himselfan integral part of the storylines. In someways I wish he hadn't, because his brashNew Yorker persona is rather grating, but hers getting over as a heel, which was thegeneral idea.

Ratings have begun a slow upward creep,but we'll see how things go if WCW decidesto return to head-to-head programmingagainst WWF, especially on the primeMonday night slot.

Finally, as if to prove me right that he'sstill a fucking prick, Buff Bagwell managedto get himself arrested and charged forassaulting another WCW employee (not arassler) at Monday Nitro. There are strong

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suggestions he might actually do jail timefor this, and indeed has been conspicuouslyabsent from TV appearances oflate.

Still waiting for Goldberg...

Iln EmurFortBh tlustAs was foretold in days of yore, of fourscore Fareysand Seven Days in the wilderness of Mem, H6l, erecometh the Pale Rider Plummbrierley the Comatoseand Gray Hugo the invisible companion, anent the

Quest of the Indivisible Clute, tethered to the Rock ofMurf by only the flimsiest of Frohvets, subjugated tothe will of the Steaming Humunkatzulus, even as the

Wingdd Steed Kryslyke neighed her alarm at thesordid Manipulations of Crifnk the Proud, unawarethat, by some osmosis of the Weerding Cuyler, theScammell Mutterings emerged from the West...

("Oh. fuck! It's a Pat McMurrav...")

I mentionedinThis Here #l that the storyof how I came to be ingesting the wonderfuldrug Predisone at Novacon 29 would berevealed "later", a wonderfully imprecisepromise which I have no trouble keeping.

Halloween of 1999 was a Sunday, andthe Blessed Bobbie and I were discussinghow to dispense the candy to the hordes ofgrasping tots (and some grasping teenagerstoo, inevitably), who would be working thedimlyJit streets of Kenwood Beach thatevening.

Since our beautifully appointed beachhouse is in fact slowly falling to pieces, wedidn't have a working outside light (the onewhich would illuminate the steps from thestreet to the door) or an inside light at thatdoor either. Just to show how pathetic weare, the fuse has been out of action for overayear now, and although Bobbie's eldest isan electrician, it's just one of the nine billionthings that doesn't get around to getting

done. So, after due deliberation (i.e. verylittle), it seems the Blessed One will bedispensing the sweeties while seated on theunfinished screened porch, ruler of all shesurveys.

This is not too bad an arrangement,because the street lamp (yes, that's the streetlamp) is right at the bottom of the steepdriveway leading up to the deck floor whichwill one day become that screened porch, ohyes! I also figured it would be a good idea toset the patio lanterns to act as 'orunwaylights", so the kids (and any attendantparents) would immediately see where theywere supposed to be going. October is alittle late for most major stores to stock theCitronella (insect-repellant) burning oil, soafter chasing around the place somewhatmade do with regular lamp oil, which afterall burns just as well.

Beer at the ready, I proceed with thistask, which is not quite so easy since youhave to drive in the bamboo stakes by hand,not always a simple task when the ground isdry. Done with this, I return to quaff mybeverage, and taking a generous swig fromthe can feel a sharp pain inside my lower lip.Spitting urgently and profusely, I realize Ihave become a victim of The EnormousGreat Big Wapst, whose sting when dormantmay only be hundredths of an inch long, butwhen activated (as any fule kno) packsroughly the size and power of LennoxLewis'f ist.

The other strange thing about TheEnormous Great Big Wapst, is that while itmust logically be small enough to clamberthrough the opening of a beer can, and againbe invisible to the naked eye after being spatout, when on the attack it must obviously bethe size of, say, your average adolescentpterodactyl.

I repair back into the house and give theBlessed One the grim news (by now througha somewhat swollen lip), and also notunreasonably ask what the fuck do you puton the sting. "Baking soda", she sagelyadvises me, and so this I do, washing itdown (and probably negating any effect)with another cold beer which acts as both

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anesthetic and replacement for the onecontaminated by The EGBW. Meremoments pass before I start to feel veryuncomfortable indeed.

I've known pretty much since coming tothe States that all manner of flying andcreeping bugs on this side of the Atlanticappear to have a great affinity for strangeblood, specifically, mine. Every bite I getcomes up in a little bump, itches like crazyand usually results in me having a multitudeof scabs, most often on my legs, where Iscratch until it bleeds. It wasn't really asurprise, then, to roll up my sleeve and seemy whole arm breaking out in a livid rash.

The Blessed Bobbie, for all herwonderful qualities, can be a bit of apanicker at times, but on this occasion Isuspect my own thoroughly calm demeanor(along with my more or less instantawareness of what was happening) got us afast and potentially life-saving responseunder way.

Our former neighbor Debbie Brennan(wife of crabman Mel) is a trainedparamedic, so when anything out of theordinary happens we usually call her first.She confirmed what Bobbie thought weshould do, which was head straight on up tothe ER. I was still a little reluctant ("Ah, shit- the Redskins game's about to come on),but went along with the advice. I grabbed acouple beers to deaden the pain on theunreasonably long (10 minute) drive to thehospital, tuned the car radio to the footballgame and settled back into the passengerseat.

Arriving at the ER, I was appraised of thepotential severity of the situation by the factthat the duty nurse took one look at me, andwithout even asking for my insurance carddragged me into the treatment room where Iwas immediately perforated by several IVsdispensing all manner of interesting goop. Istill hadn't felt really bad throughout thewhole process, but chatting with the nursesand doctors (who'd seen several similarcases that year) served to convince me thatan allergic reaction of this nature can befatal - what you see happening to your skin

outside (the bumps, rash, swelling and soon) is also happening inside. Really severecases can result in the closing of yourairways and suffocation.

The Blessed One showed great concernby hovering around the bed, asking me howI felt minute by minute, or so it seemed,whereas indifferent me kept sending her outto the car to check the football score. I stillcan't even remember if the Redskins won orlost that day either.

After a couple of hours, I am releasedwith prescriptions in hand: Predisone for theimmediate effects of the sting and twoEpipen injectors, one of which has to beclose by at all times. If I get stung again, Ihave to stick this needle in my leg with ameasured dose of Epinephrene and call 911right away.

And if I see The Enormous Great BigWapst anywhere near me again, the elephantgun is at the ready.

Addendum: On the Sunday morning ofMemorial weekend, I am puttering aroundcleaning up the kitchen while the BlessedOne is off at church (we have the weekendto ourselves and are trying to catch up withsome Spring cleaning and reorganization).Crawling up the corner of the room is theEGBW - an inch long at least. I am fightingpanic as I back out into the living room andgrab some old newspapers which I can rollup into a suitable weapon. Going back intothe kitchen with more than a liuletrepidation (I am at this point terrified theEGBW will be out of sight), I approach. It'sa little sluggish (perhaps because theweather is cold), and moves across thewindow to obligingly give me a good shot. Iwhack it, tracking frantically where it falls,which somewhat luckily was into the openedplastic wrap of a roll of kitchen towel.Carefully picking this up, I tip out thekitchen towel and kick it away, trapping thebeast in the plastic. It still does not move. Ishake out the plastic, and it's there on thekitchen floor. Is it moving? Like agunfighter, I keep my eyes locked on targetas I get a piece of paper towel, pick up theEGBW and fold the paper over it twice,

putting it back onto the floor. Now I slowlytake off my slipper and pound it again andagain and again, until all that must be left isa gray, black and yellow smear. It takesmany minutes for my heartbeat andrespiration to return to normal, and I seehow debilitating a panic attack can be...

l-oco lHtato[[Editorial comment lool

such has been almost totally banished asirrelevant.

[[Comparing Manzarek to Vicious isfutile, especially given the fact thatManzarek played keyboards and Vicious(ostensibly) the bass. Sid and John Entwistleor Chris Squire might have been a betterjuxtaposition. Part of the irony of the SexPistols is that their best musician --GlenMatlock was replaced by Vicious,essentially a non-musician. Guitarist SteveJones "learned on the job" so to speak, anddid actually manqge to turn himself into ahalf-decent player. On the rock scene thesedays, there are probably more great singersang! musicians than you con shake a stick at.As always, I recommend a listen to DC-101(101.1FM on your radio dial, and an onlinefeed at www. dc I 0 I . com) ... JJ

You may well be correct that current popsingers like Britney Spears and ChristinaAguilera have talent. I will stick to mytheory that it's nearly impossible to tell,because the actual vocals are disguisedbehind so much clutter.

[[I would qgree if that wqs in fact thecase. Bored and aimless one Saturday nightin the Calvert County Treatment facility, Iwandered into one of the TV rooms whereone ofthe guys hadfound a station carryingwhat appeared to be an endless stream ofchick singer videos, including Spears andAguilera. Mindful of your comments, Inoticed immediately that the vocal was infact front and center in the mix and thelyrics could be clearly heard. Before I'dseen this, I would probably have agreed withyou. However, the music and lyrics wereunredeemed shit. and taken with the videowere pretty obviously designed for the solepurpose ofencouraging teenage boys to stayhome and masturbate furiously to themrather than go out and engage in less sovorypastimes (ike masturbating in public?). AndChristina Aguilera is too thin...JJ

Since you are an admitted EmmylouHarris fan, compare, say, Emmylou's takeson "Boulder to Birmingham", or "The TulsaQueen", or "The One Paper Kid" where the

vocal is right up front backed by very simpleharmonies and anangements.

[[Indeed. Mentioning harmonies makesme think of Emmylou's work with WillieNelson. I only get to listen to my Willie CDssporadically, as the Blessed Bobbie is no fanof his or of Emmylou's - her tastes run moreto Celine Dion, Tina Arena, Aretha Franklinand the likp - but I'm always struck by theanswer to the question: "Why doesEmmylou Harris sing backup for WillieNelson so much?" Answer: She's about theonly one who can! Check out l(illie's'Teatro' CD from last year...JJ

Sandra Bond says she is glad you didThis Here "instead of wasting your time onbook reviews". As an unrepentant bookreviewer, I will let that pass with theobvious, to wit, fandom is large enough toencompass a variety of styles and interests.

I am sorry to hear ofthe passing ofyourfriend John Rickett though I was notfamiliar with his contributions to fandom.My connectionparticular comes

British fandom inthe handful of British

fanzines I get (anyone know what happenedto Banana Wings?) and a smattering ofLoCs, and patently my knowledge thereof isfar too incomplete.

[[Frohvet for TAFF in 2001 sez we, toremedy this shocking incompleteness! Also,there is an unwritten rule that anyone whohss received a LoC from A Sullivan (99.9%of the known universe at last count) lsrequired to buy him at least one beer inperson at some point. Mentioning JDR, Ibelieve he had the honor of being a CorfluGoH, and gave a well-received and wittyspeech...JJ

Address listed in "Fqnzines received"

From sue.tortoise@talk2 I .comMqy 2

Sue Jones writes:I've had This Here #1 sitting beside my

computer waiting for me to get around to aloc for what seems like a suspiciously shorttime, and here's #2 arrived today, via MartinTudor and Royal Mail's efficient redirectionservice (Banana Wings again? I moved last

tovia

8-

September). I'm going to reply Right Nowso that I don't have to cope with an overloadof guilt when #3 arrives.[[Yes, them again - actually in all fairnessto the sainted Plummer et al, I did getseveral addresses from an older issue ofBW... l l

Enjoyed your resum/e of the Jesus Fishstory. When I first met it, it wasn't even arelatively visible car sticker, just a verydiscreet and quite attractive lapel pin. I hadone myself in my religious days. Mind you,I spoilt the subtlety by having a couple ofdozen dayglo Jesus-stickers plastered allover my guitar, with slogans that even myteenaged, unhappy-clappy, God-botheringself could see were extremely naff. Theywrecked the veneer of the guitar too, when Iscrubbed them off.

Know bugger-all about wrestling (don'treally wish to change this state of ignorance)but you managed to lead me through awhole page about it without losing me onthe way. This is probably a tribute to yourwriting skills. Or maybe I was just feelingtoo brain-dead to turn the page.

Good luck with the Treatment Programand the court case. Will this result in yousuddenly becoming a Reformed Character,Nic? On the wagon, frighteninglyrespectable and upright citizen, and all that.Hard to imagine what a reformed Nic Fareywould be like. (Stranger than rock onbagpipes, and probably equally unbearable.)On the other hand the unreformed versiondoes exceedingly good fanzines. Thanks forthese two.

[["Respectable"? "Upright"? Probablystill "none of the above"...JJ

Lastly, an attempt to pick what's left ofyour brains. Long, long ago, first time I metyou, at my first convention, you wererattling off a string of chat-up lines at me,and one stuck in my memory. You told meit was from some US comedian, but I forgotthe guy's name. As near as I can recall, theline was "I like to skate on the other side ofthe ice" -- still think it's a damn good lineand would like to be able to attribute it to itsrightful owner. So if you still remember and

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want to let me know, I'd be grateful. (l'{otgrateful enough to vote for Tobes for TAFF,but you can't have everything.)[[But we like Tobes! The line, which youaccurately recall, was

-from the UScomedian Steven lVright - I did a stand-upof his material at an Eastercon cabaretmany years ago, and I still like to spring thatstuff on the unsuspecting, though to hear itdescribed as "chat-up lines" makes my headspin a little. Remember: "My friend Georgeis a radio qnnouncer - every time he wallaunder a bridge you can't hear him talk";and my personal favorite comeback, whichcan be used as the answer to many, manyquestions: "Do you know what time it is?""Yes, but not right now"...JJFlat 5, 32/33 Castle Street, Shrewsbury SYI 2BQ UK

From chris.murphv@breathemail.netMav 6

Chris Murphy writes:So you're in trouble with the Law once

more? Far be it from me to lecture you onyour failings (like you'd listen), but perhapsyou should lay off those Quiz Nights...

[[No can do - I'm the Quizmaster...J]The Jesus fish symbols on cars in this

country are mostly the old-fashioned kindwith no text. I've never seen a "Darwin" orthe other variants. British Christians seem tobe concerned about declining family valuesrather than evolution. Of course we alsohave the kind of believer who wants to banchildren's stories about wizards and magicbecause they think such things are real.They're not going to worry about a theorythat originated in the 19th century whilethey're stuck in the medieval period.

Musically I am just another of thoseboring old farts whose clocks stopped in thelate 1970s, so your "Tunes" stuff goesstraight over my head. I started to loseinterest when punk came along. Look, I cansee what appealed in being a rocker, a hippieor even a skinhead, although I was neverany of those things. But why were amateur-hour bands, glued-up hairstyles andexpensively pre-shredded clothing everregarded as cool?

[[It goes around, it comes around. Inrock these days the songwriting andmusicianship are way above those " amateurhoLtr" days. I qgree there were some trulyawful bands who got face time in the lateseventies (Slaughter and the Dogs alwayscome to mind immediately), but also manyexcellent ones - go 20 years further back,and you'll find plenty of people saying theexact same things, just substitute "Elvis" for"punk"...JJ

You have provided me with moreinformation about US wrestling than I everwanted to know. The only book on thesubject I've noticed on sale here is bysomeone called The Rock. He looks a littlelike the doctor character in Babylon 5 and isadvertised as the source of all wisdom in thefield of "sports entertainment". Speaking ofheavily promoted Americans, Jerry Springeris to do a new chat show for Britishtelevision. Is it true that he used to be apolitician somewhere and got fired formisconduct?

[[Yes, and yes. Springer ls a formerMayor of Cincinnati, and I believe he gotfound out writing a check to a prostitute,though I could be wrong about the specifics.The Rock is one of the major names ofWWE and in terms of merchandise ,sprobably only outsold by Stone Cold SteveAustin. You really need to get into therasslin' there Chris - it's where all the hippeople go after Tom & Jerry-..JJ

You had a good LoC selection, even ifone of them was mine. What does RingoStarr do all day? Perhaps, like RonaldReagan, he carefully avoids looking out ofthe window in the morning, so he'll havesomething to do in the afternoon. As for notgetting laid during Dr Who, well of courseyou don't! That's what Battlestar Galucticais for.

From ghost.words(Ovirein.netMqy 8

Steve Green writes:Many thanks for This Here #2.It's always

good when Ann and I hear from you, even ifI'd rather there was better news to hear.

The only occasion I've knowingly drivenwhilst under the affluence of incohol wasthe night of the 1983 General Election.Solihull's Tory administration knew post-Falklands euphoria meant they had both thenational and local results in their pockets, sothey spent the evening drowning the otherparties' sorrows for them, mostly withsingle-malt scotch from the council cellar.

I was covering the local side for ITN andthe BBC, as well my own newspaper, so Isoon found myself in the leader's study,having copious amounts of whisky poureddown my gullet. By the time the final countswere in and I'd phoned them over to the tvnewsdesks, it must have been past midnight.I then finished my own copy, left it on theeditor's desk and grabbed my motorcyclehelmet.

As soon as I hit the cold morning air, Iknew I'd made a serious error. Even at20mph, my balance was way out andreaction time measured in minutes ratherthan milliseconds. Only the fact that theroute home was as sparsely populated as aNational Front rally in Handsworth and thelocal constabulary was busy elsewheresaved my neck. Not an experience I'd care torepeat, even with four wheels, that's forcertain.

[[Tory whislE will do that to you - thebastards!...J1

From max@hawkida.com Mav 14

Maxine Lehman writes:Might I congratulate you on your

stunning musical tastes. Ruling out theBosstones and the, ahem, "turgid crap" inthe Country section (Hank who?) that's amighty fine selection. Eels and Blink 182were already on my "good stuff' list so Iinvestigated the rest and I think I'm going tobe coming to you for futurerecommendations!

[[Ha! Take that, Murphy, Frohvet etc...JJi-'-"- :l: "": - " --'-.'- " - " "..'"-.,' '" :'=-*-Ir.l iii ' ' ' " ' . ' ;i --

.. , ,.-.....;.......,..,.....-..*r..-:..,.,....-...,--.....,............. .-.-.... ...., .i

l0-

From nedbrooks@sprynet.com Moy 23

Ned Brooks writes:Thanks for the explanation of how I came

to get your zine as "Ned Brookes".My impression has been that Jeep and

SUV drivers are the worst - I have notnoticed much problem with Volvo drivers. Iused to be one myself.

Don't much notice Volkswagens now thatthey look like all the rest - occasionally I seeone of the new Bugs. I am a conservativedriver myself - in the daytime I stay to theright and never tailgate and go about thesame speed as everyone else. I'm retired andgenerally not in much of a hurry after all. Atnight I was staying to the left and drivingjust over the limit, because otherwise thetruck and SUV lights in my left wing mirrorwould be too annoying. Now I have rigged ashade in the window so that those lights areonly a candle-like amber even if on highbeam.

[fCan you share how you did that? Itmight help when being tailgated by StateTroopers...JJ

You could point out to Martin Tudor thatthere was a popular song that contained thephrase "what's cookin', good lookin"'. Notthat it was popular with me - I dislike mostof the pop music from the 20th century, andlisten mostly to classical music or Celticfolk.

I will send you a zine - hope you are atliberty to read it...

Address listed in "Fanzines received"

Mav 23Paul Di Filippo writes:

A splendid issue, This Here #2 runningthe gamut from wired to serene. I read itinstantly upon its arrival & was notdisappointed!

"The Jesus Fish Wars" offered richinsight into the way our culture chews upfads & icons.

"Tunes!" had me reaching for mynotebook to add to my CD-want list (notablyHank Williams III). I've been listening to alot of Cuban stuff in the Buena Vista mode& can recommend Chucho Vald6s' Live at

the Village Vanguard if you want some hotjazz.

Did you know Scott Edelman wrote 2unauthorized wrestler bios? Look for mass-market pbs under his name.

The most affecting essay was of course"Jail Guitar Doors and Wedding Bells". AllI can say is that your spirit seemsundimmed. I'm sure you'll emerge from itall with new vigor. As for the wedding,many happy retums!

2 Poplar Street, Providence, RI 02906

f[And nov,, by way of contrast...JJMay 24

Harry Andruschak writes:Being one of those who has a DARWIN

bumper sticker on the back of his car (a1994 Ford Escort with 88,000 miles on it,probably to be replaced sometime this yearif I can find the money), I stopped by theweb site mentioned on page two. Mostamusing.

Since I work for the Post Offrce, I have toplan way ahead to make sure I get thevacations I want. My next vacation will benext October, three weeks in Europe. (Threenights in Vienna, 14 nights on a river boatcruising from Vienna to Amsterdam, and 3nights in Brussels.) Next February will betwo weeks in Egypt.

As for your drunk driving problems, well,I am probably going to get cut off from yourmailing list for this, and serves me right, Iwill have deserved it, but I hope you go thefull three years. I am 16 years sober in AA,and I have heard all the excuses, includingyours. Over and over again I have heard thesame tired old excuses. You mention thetreatment center as something you have todo to please the judge. Not one word aboutgoing to the treatment center to stopdrinking. Not one word of remorse for yourbehavior that could have killed people. Inote the comments about "little prick inuniform'o and "motherfucker". Had you rundown a child, what would be youradjectives? That is another thing I havenoticed in 16 years of sobriety, that

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somehow if you kill somebody while drunkdriving, it is not as serious as if you had shotthem dead. But they are still dead. Butsomehow you are not really responsible.Hence the growth of such organizations asMADD. In my 16 years of sobriety, I havebeen to too many funerals of people killedby drunk drivers who refuse to acceptresponsibility for their actions. I am gettingsick and tired of going to funerals for peoplekilled by drunk drivers.

However, if it is any comfort to you, youmight be interested in the fact that I amusing Microsoft Word to type this letter, andit has underlined oomotherfucker" as awrongly spelled word. However, it does notgive any suggested substitutions.Congratulations, you have stumped BillGates.

PO Box 5309, Torrance, CA 90510-5309

[[This is about what I expected to getfrom you Andy, as you & I have covered thisground before. You're still on the mailinglist, so let's address a couple points. hseems to me there are two kinds of peoplewho do not partake of alcohol: Non-drinkersand abstentionists. You, of course, are aconfirmed ctbstentionist, and full of theevangelizing spirit which comes with thatlabel, and which can indeed piss me off I'mtrying to be brief here (and to invite any andall comment), so I'il just point out theincredible logical leap that abstentionistsalways seem to make, which is that alcohol: dead children. More "children" (teensand under) are killed in this county inaccidents relating to speed and recklessdriving than in accidents where alcohol wasafactor - six or seven in the last year or so,as I recall. In one of these accidents, thehappily alcohol-free driver of one of thevehicles killed an older mon who washauling some possessions in the process ofmoving to Florida. He took several days todie. The Blessed Bobbie also wonders(reasonably, in my opinion) what the fuckour theoretical "child" is doing walkingalong an unlit country road at night. Thisisn't Times Square. As for your wish that I

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get "the full three years", I'm sorry todisappoint you. Three years in jail (two withgood time) for a pretty boy like me wouldundoubtedly result in me becomingsomeone's bitch, snd quile possiblycontracting AIDS or hepatitis or whatever.Since I smoke about two paclrs a day,perhaps you'd also like to add cancer toyour wish list for me? And Andy - if you'rethat tired of going to funerals for peoplekilled by drunk drivers, don't go to them. Ormove to a county where they don't havemany. Like this one...JJ

May 3lGary Deindorfer writes:

This Here is a nifty little fanzine. You'rean interesting and witty wordsmith. Assomeone says I think in the letter column,your zine has a UK feel, both in the candid,outspoken way you express your opinions,and even graphically. Since you live inMaryland, I'm not sure why this is, but it is.

Your comment on the first page to MartinTudor reminds me of the Slav who woremedieval armor: The Czech is in the mail...

I learn some info about the modemversions of the fish symbol I didn't knowbefore.

Your music tastes are intriguing. HankWilliams is my favorite country singer. Onthe other hand, I never cared for his son orhis music, but his grandson sounds likesomeone I would groove on. My ownfavorite era of music is late seventies to lateeighties, the Sex Pistols, the mighty Clashetc. I think the Clash's London Calling is thegreatest rock album ever made, though rightbehind it I would put Dylan's Blonde onBlonde and the Allman Brothers' Live at theFillmore East. All three being doublealbums, interestingly enough.

I don't follow exhibition wresting, but forthem as does, like you, the more power toyou.

Hulk Hogan is rather over the hill bynow, isn't he? Oh, I think you express thatopinion somewhere in this issue.

I wish you luck with your difficultieswith the Law regarding your second DWI. I

have never received a DWI, but then I wasnever much of a drinker. My father used todrink and drive more than a few times, andhe had a couple auto accidents too.

Sandra Bond's loc reminds me that I planto loc her Quasiquote - quite a fine fanzine.

Trent Center West, 465 Greenwood Ave #l 104,Trenton NJ 08609-2 I 3 I

[[Musically, we agree! I live in Marylandbecause that's where I moved to from theUK in 1993...JJ

Lilian Edwards (May 8): "You bastard, youdid a fanzine and didn't send it to me! I shallsulk." This omission has been rectified,Lilian, however, may not have been;Maureen Kincaid Speller (May 10): 'oDo Ineed to start baking files into fruit cakes?"Somehow, it's difficult to imagine MKS in apinny with floured hands n'est ce pas? Astray lock of hair falls across her glisteningbrow as she stirs the tempting mixture,licking her lips the while... Oops, sorry, gotcarried away there; Tony Berry (May 17):"Do I have to find someone to run tech atNovacon while you sew mailbags...?";Alison Scott (May 23) with a plug for herfanzine reviews, which can be found atu.ww.kittywornpus. com/lhnzines/revi ew's/and include comments on This Here #2;Robert Lichtman (May 25): "And,eventually, I'll LoC your fanzines..," -sounds like a threat to be taken seriously.Thanks are due to Robert for helping ZftzsHere expand its US mailing list;

Fanzlnos flocolrsilTwink #17 (E.B. Frohvet, 4716 Dorsey HallDrive #506, Ellicotr city MD 21042, USA)A nut-grabbing Steve Stiles cover, excellentrepro, interesting articles, reviews, and athumping loccol featuring many of theknown clinically insane (e.g. J T Major, JNicholas, A J Sullivan, J V Smith, S Jeffery)- I am working on a theory about the 'J'initial which may revolutionize psychiatry.Quasiquote #2 (Sandra Bond, 46 StirlingRoad, London N22 5BP, UK)By turns thoughtful, amusing andoccasionally sad (when reporting JoyHilbert's passing), and includes the saintedPlummer who must be making up for allthem years when 'e never rote nuffin.Wittily appropriate headings apportioned tolocs. Something here about fanzine fans andnipple piercings which makes me wonderwhether to confess...FOSFAX #198 (FOSFA, PO Box 37281,Louisville KY 40233

-7 281)'More of the usual ranting from socialists,fascists, Stalinists etc. often accusing eachother of being one (OJ NicholasrM).Actually, often somewhat erudite, and at adense and eye-straining (if typical) 84pp,often left in the bathroom (latrine, for youmilitarists) for perusal on occasions whenone is trying to shift some of one's morerecalcitrant logs, rather than trying to MakeSense Of It All in one long read. Althoughthat might be an option if you've had a lot ofhot sauce recently. Frohvet (in Twink)advises going straight to the LoCs.Plokta Vol.S No.2 (Steve Davies, 52Westbourne Terrace, Reading, Berks RG302RP, UK; Alison Scott, 24 St Mary Road,Walthamstow, LondonBlT 9RG, UK; MikeScott (coa) 9 Jagger Court, Rosenau Road,London SWl l 4QY, UK)No room for comment after writing all themfuckin' addresses? I've always enjoyedhumorous and gossipy fan writing as well asthe more sercon stuff, and this is indeed that.I used to date a girl from Walthamstow inmy college days, but it wasn't Alison. Ploktaalso came with Steelhead, produced atCorflu 2000 - these people have far too

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much spare time and money, obviously.Jealousy becometh me not.It Goes On The Shelf #21 Q.{ed Brooks,4817 Dean Lane, Liliburn GA 30047-4720)Ned's list of used books (dated January ,00)with breezy commentary and a big WAHF.Ansible #155 (Dave Langford, 94 LondonRoad, Reading, Berks RGl 5AU, UK)Still one of the few places you can see theword "stakhanovite" used more or lesscorrectly.

Indrfio tls.-5-

Terrible kids' joke department: If athletesget athletes' foot, what do astronauts get?Answer: Missile-toe!s

Mumbled congrats to S Mason, who, asexpected, romped the TAFF vote in the firstround. Can we be the first to start a tobesin 2002 campaign in Celticmd l2-pointfont? The mighty M K Speller (e-mailing tonominators) offers commiserations to theworthy Tommy & Tobes, and remarks on arace well run. And so do we.s

Just for the hell of it, I won't identify thesource of the lyric fragment quoted at thevery end of This Here. You could haveseveral minutes of brain-teasing enjoymentfiguring it out, or more likely you could notgive a flying fuck. Whatever.5

When I see the phrase "Gentle Reader",(which is much less often these days), Isometimes wonder what its opposite is.s

At the end of M Lehman's e-mail: "Thisis the LrNIX version of the LoveBug virusand in the spirit of such it depends on theuser community to propagate. Please sendthis message to all of your friends andrandomly delete numerous files from yoursystem."s

I don't generally use Word's spellcheckerwhen writing This Here, (and please spareme the obvious witticisms) preferring toprint the thing out and proof read it myself. I

do, however, occasionally check spellings,which even after this amount of time livingin the Americas can still catch me unawares.Giving it the old [F7] also prompts one ofBill Gates' demon spawn to have thetemerity to critique my grammar and soforth. Being too lazy to experiment formyself, I wonder whether anyone knowswhat MicroShit's definition is for a 'olongsentence" (and please spare me the obviousjailhouse jokes), and what exact criteria ituses.s

Tunes additional: Just for Frohvet, moreon Britney Spears - my DCl01 morning DJchose to share a track from Spears' new CD,and I must agree with him and severalsubsequent callers that it has to be one of theworst things ever recorded, and that includesTiny Tim's entire ouvre. World, are youready for Britney Spears' version of'Satisfaction'? DJ Eliott's comment: "Nowyou know what an abortion sounds like".s

'oAlways do sober what you said you'ddo drunk. That will teach you to keep yourmouth shut." (E Hemingway)5

I recall an old item of comedian DaveAllen he noted that 30% of trafficaccidents were caused by drunk drivers.This, he reasoned, meant that 70% ofaccidents were caused by sober drivers, whoshould therefore get off the road and "let usdrunks drive home safely..."s

On the rasslin' front, I subsequently learnthat the prick Bagwell was immediatelysuspended for 30 days following the assaultincident. The other employee involvedappears likely to file suit, notwithstandingwhatever criminal charges may be brought.s

R Lichtman (see WAHF) asked me tosupply him, o if i mite, with issues ofArrows of Desire to fill the gaps in hiscollection (which as far as that fanzine wasconcerned was mostly gap and very littlecollection). I managed to find reprint copiesof everything, but of course proceeded tobum up a couple hours browsing and

l4

rereading some of the material. Somewhatsadly, I noted locs from Walt Willis andMae Strelkov, among others, also surprisingmyself a little at the mailing list loD musthave had in what might be called its heyday.s

Is it obvious that I write the 'lndulge Me'fragments as I think of them? (Except forthis one.)s

%d"s

Previously undiscovered picture shows NicFarey's early choice of beverage...

sThere vou are. then.

This Here is an occasional perzine by NicFarey. You got this rag for one of thefollowing reasons:

. You gave or sent me a zine (or will)r You have LoCced (or wil l)o You bought alcohol (or wil l)o I know where you live (or will)Hard copy from the following:Martin Tudor24 Ravensbourne Grove,Willenhall,W.Midlands, WV13 lHX, UKNic FareyPO Box 178St. Leonard, MD 20685, USAN tbre)'@.cornapp spec. comAvailable by e-mail as a Word

attachment, and anybody is free toredistribute it themselves to people theypresumably don't like very much.

E-LoCs are preferred, but don't let thatput you off, unless you really can't find the

ttTrarila

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exact crayon you need. All LoCs to USAaddress, please.

" Please tell tlilom this is nother faulf"

THIS HERE...PO Box 178St. Leonard, MD 20685United States of America

Nfarey@comappspec. com