Who would have thought that Dublin's bastion of Protestantism wouldhave had so much in common with the seat of the papacy?

ET TRINITY IS TO DUBLIN what Vatican City is toRome. It has all the characteristics of a small,backward, bureaucratic state: an over-sized andineffective administration is harangued by anequally ineffective union, while the real advancesare made by private enterprise. The residents ofboth urban islands also assume superiority overthe mere mortals that inhabit the wider world.

What does it take to be a citizen of this nation within anation? What are the defining characteristics of the jewel inIreland's educational crown? Most people do not take the timeto consider these questions. Indeed within the college moststudents rarely think about them. Most students are destinedfor middle management.

A minority of students will take up the majority of column

66 THE DUBLINER

inches and TV segments once leaving their alma mater.Recently, Paulo Tullio regaled UCD graduate Ryan Tubridy withtales of the rich and famous. Tubridy: "But how did you meet allthese powerful people Paulo?" With a well-educated smugnessthe fop replied "Why I met them all while I was in Trinity ofcourse:' They will be lauded and successful. They will employthe middle managers. They will be true Trinners.

They will be yow· bosses.For that portion of students inclined to the future celebrity

life, Trinity is all about that cliched threesome of sex, drugsand rock 'n' roll. All of these are to be found inside thegranite walls if one goes looking, but unfortunately not all arerepresented in equal measure.

Rock 'n' roll credentials are all too scarce with the closurethis past year of the grimy Buttery Bar, the college's one and

~nity students enjoying themselves at lectures. It's allfun and games until someone loses an Indian statue.

"...naggin-drinkingtwenty-somethingspuking on rentedclothing to the strainsof yesterday's musicalalso-rans."

only music venue. Its vault-like surroundings have hostedminiature legends like the Revs and Kila - but losing€500,OOO in five years was more than College Catering couldhandle. For its brief flowering it was the perfect venue for afavourite pastime of the Trinner - slumming.

The annual Trinity Ball is the only other source of Trinity'srock on'roll. At nearly €80 a ticket, Europe's biggest privateparty is not your regular student gig; at least that is what theorganisers would have you believe, and what Trinners try toconvince themselves. Held on a flood-lit campus, the promiseof a black-tie soiree featuring the cream of musical talent akinto the May Balls of Oxford and Cambridge annually gives wayto the reality of naggin-drinking twenty-somethings pukingon rented clothing to the strains of yesterday's musical also-rans. Yet there is - let's be fair - something decadent aboutexpelling the outside world, locking the gates and indulging insome good, old fashioned debauchery.

Drugs are easier to find than rock On'roll. Whether thisis a positive is really up to your point of view and the size

THE DUBLINER

THE PROVOST Dr John Hegarty lands thetop spot on any college-power list. Not

only does he control Trinity, his home addressis No.1, Grafton Street. Beat that.

8 JOE O'GORMAN Honorary Treasurer ofthe Central Societies Committee ... and

much else besides. Those in the know trembleat the name of Joe O'Gorman, a man whohas mysteriously amassed an inconceivableamount of power in Trinity.

MIKE JONES Being Senior Dean is noteasy: you are the disciplinarian of the

college staff. Professor Jones' predecessordealt with everything from allegations ofassault to internal spammers. In true schoolyard fashion the entrance of the Senior Deanis said to bring a hush to the staff canteen.

8 DR EMMA STOKES The Junior Dean is akey figure around campus, since she

THE TRINITY POWER LISTliVho wears the plus-fours?

is in charge of accommodation and studentdiscipline. A terrifying combination.

ED O'RIORDAN A serial entrepreneur andsuccessful nightclub promoter by the

age of 21, O'Riordan now holds the position ofEntertainments Officer in the Students' Union.Thus he controls the guest list for every Trinitystudent night out. Make friends with this guy.

ANDREW BYRNE The official electedrepresentative ofthe college's 15,322

students: Andrew Byrne is technically themost popular student in Trinity. A reasonablylarge budget and a seat on many committeesmake Byrne a face to know.

THE EDITOR OF TRINITY NEWS Sincevirtually all campus news is filtered

through the paper, it is generally wise to stayon the good side of the editor. (His name isGearoid O'Rourke. He wrote this.)

of your trust fund. If you are" concerned Jenny" who calls into Joe Duffy worried about students today then you shouldprobably stop reading here.

The ambivalence towards drugs is initially shocking, as is theiradoption by the collegiate upper crust. The pinnacle oflast year'send-of-term celebrations was a cocaine and champagne party-invite only and definitely not BYOB. Yet the Pete Doherty look isdiscouraged. Drug use is largely social, as those in the know willbe quick to testily point out. Only students oflesser institutions[Former eras? - Ed] waste their lives with drugs.

Sex, the final party to the threesome, is easily found, just as it isoutside these walls. But the attitude to sex is distinctly Victorian;all propriety in public, debauchery in private. Woe betide thestudent who is known to have sown wild oats in the wrong field.

CHAIR OF DUCAC The Chair of theCentral Athletics Committee

is second only to the Central SocietiesCommittee in terms of pure unadulteratedpower, since he's head of 49 sports clubs.

TIM SMYTH In recent times the Histhave been over shadowed by their

deadly rivals the Phil. Handsome toffTim Smyth has plans to change all this. Aruthless rise to power left little doubts overhis determination while a previous spellon the CSC gives him insider knowledge ofsociety funding.

RUTH FALLER The first female Philpresident in recent years should,

if all goes to plan, be running the mosthigh-profile events in Trinity this year.Probably the only student in Ireland whocould arrange a dinner date with an Oscarwinning actor.

Only in Trinity would I suggest that a very public drug habit ismore socially acceptable than an ill-thought dalliance.

Where there is sex in Trinity, self-deluding hypocrisy is neverfar behind. For example, despite one of our most prominentunion-elected students being known to unashamedly solicit forsex online, there were cries of shock and outrage when our trustycollege paper kept its standards high by revealing that Trinitywas Dublin's prime cruising location. Students were "horrified"and "amazed" that the toilets around campus were getting moreaction than some dorm rooms. They were "disgusted" that "it"could be happening in the stall next door.

All this public outrage seems slightly overblown, but thenagain, outrage is in fashion - and Trinity students are nothingif not fashionable.

ICARUS Pretentious rag forartistic souls. Full of poetry, ~RUSshort stories, literarycriticism and, dependingon your view of suchstudent endeavours, can beeither extremely enjoyableor excruciatingly painfulto read. Remarkably it wasbanned during the 1950s for being too racy.No fear of history repeating itself.

ANALOGUE The newest of thestudent magazines has yet topublish an issue. The first isdue this October, and it willdoubtless feature a host ofwannabe music journalists

pontificating on why Radiohead have lost theplot. Started by the man behind the recentturnaround of Trinity FM, Brendan McGuirk,it fills a gap in the market, as there was nomusic magazine in Trinity prior to this.

j

WHAT ARE THE LITTLE BRATS READING TODAY?All the news that'sfit to print ... in a college newspaper

TRINITY NEWS A po-faced studentrag bent on saving the world articleby article, Trinity News has been

snapping at the heels of the Collegesince 1953. Never quite banned, it wassuccessfully sued in the late-1990s by a

member of staff.

PIRANHA A student-run satirical magsounds like a recipe for disaster. Piranha hasdone nothing in so-odd years to contradictthis cliche. Always irritating someone, it hasscraped the bottom ofthe Trinitybarrel to comic effect. Famouslybanned for taking pot shots atthe Prophet Mohammed. Formereditors include Quentin Letts,Vincent Piat Kelly and Nick Webb.

MISCELLANY The oldestcontinuously printedmagazine in Irelandbrands itself as 'socialcommentary' but isgenerally filled withstudents using words theyfound in the dictionary tomake themselves soundintelligent. Bruce Arnoldand Paul McGuinness areformer editors.

ARASANPHIARSAIG

GRADUATE MEMORIALBUILDING (GMB)

PARLIAMENTSQUARE

LIBRARYSQUARE

CAMPANILE THE GRADUATEMEMORIAL BUILDING N

.REThis building houses the two oldest andbest-known college societies, the Histand the Phil. Hear the next generationof politicians and barristers honing theirargumentative abilities. Try not to laugh atthe way they talk.

PARLIAMENT SQUARE The firstOLD LIBRARY

1937(ADINGWOM

thing you see as you walk through Front Arch.Ignore the spotty students and fat tourists. Try tospot a wandering post-grad, Matt the Jap, whospent the entire 20th Century traipsing round thecollege. Apparently.

MUSEUMBUILDING

FELLOWSSQUARE

BERKELEYLIBRARY

8ARTS BLOCK

(OLLEGE PARKRatherironically, the College Park hasbeen taken over by families withyoung children, who usually havenothing to do with the college at all.Students sit on the nearby benches,their hangovers exacerbated by thedulcet tones of wailing toddlers.

ARTS BUILDING TheArts Block ramp is one of the mainmeeting places/pick-up joints incollege, and is packed with artsstudents avoiding lectures anddrinking coffee. Choose wisely.

THE BERKELEY LIBRARYInside: whatever. Outside: action. During theweek it is the preserve of smoking students,while at the weekend it is used as an out-of-bounds skateboarding ramp. The designof the buildings also creates a wind-tunnel,providing an added interest for loiteringsmokers. Hold onto your skirts, ladies.

70 THE DUBLINER

ARAS AN PHIARSAIGH If you'rehaving trouble with your SPARC or PA-RISC thisis the place to get it reconfigured. Or to put itanother way: this is computer programmer central.

LUCEHALL

LUCE HALL Where allL the sporty types hang out. Anatmosphere of physical exertionhangs over the place, quite unlikethe aura of casual lassitude thatpervades the rest of the college.

THE SAM BECKETT CENTREHome to the drama department. Piercing screamsand loud drumming can be heard emanating fromthe building - a terrifying experience if one isnot au-fait with the theatrical quirks ofthespians.Never, ever sleep with an actor. They all come outeventually - how silly will you look then?

RUGBY PITCH

HAMILTON BUILDING Thisis the polar opposite to the Arts Block.Students who attend the Hamilton have 30-hour weeks, regular assignments and nineo'clock lectures. The mind boggles. O'REILLY

INSTITUTE

LLEGEPARK

THE PAV During the winter months, thePavilion Bar is mostly the haunt of scientistsand engineers, but as the end-of-year examsdraw near, the number of students at the Pavincreases. Denial does strange things to people.Good spot for cadging a toke of posh-boy spliff.

MOYNEINSTITUTE

DENTAL SCHOOL The students wear white

THE DUBLINER 71

HAMILTONBUILDING

PAVILION BAR

coats and an expression of supreme intelligence.Normal students are also lured here by the prospectof free treatment. Catch their distress when theyrealise that root canal will be performed by one of theaforementioned dental students.

11. T1y to avoid stampeding the celebdebaters

Howto GetAhead in Trinity

In a nutshell: theArts Block ramp, debating,faux-Britness C;j avoiding do-goodery

8 HANG AROUND THE ARTS BLOCKDespite perspiring Americans, increasedstudent numbers and the ever-loomingthreat of modularisation, Trinity remains,in essentials, exactly as it always was - acut throat, old-boy network of collegehacks, gossips and philanderers.

It may look innocuous, but behindthe Front Square facade lies the realcollege, which is every bit as biasedand traditional as UCD studentsimagine it to be.

Apart from Front Square, comprisedlargely of the Dining Hall, Examination

72 THE DUBLINER

Hall and accommodation for verywell-connected students, the studentpopulation is polarised between the ArtsBlock - an ugly concrete 1960s creationsupposedly representing the HangingGardens of Babylon - and the Hamilton,another dull concrete building located atthe opposite end of campus.

The Hamilton, which is where thescience lot go, is utterly disregarded byall those who study arts. In fact, the onlyreason that an arts student might ventureinto the Hamilton is to use the toilet, andeven then, only when the toilet queue

at the Pav is unacceptably long. And inany case, anyone remotely chic from the"other end" of college usually gravitatestowards the Front Square/Arts Block sideof things anyway, since that is where themajority of societies are based.

The Arts Block has, it must be said,some charm. An amalgam of cultureshas produced something eccentric andnot easily definable. Yes, it's all painfullyself-conscious and neurotic, but with goodreason. Everyone appears to be bettereducated, better dressed and better lookingthan the average mortal.

o JOIN THE PHil Networking iseverything in Trinity. The whole game isabout who you know. At a recent collegefunction a member of staff proposed topresent company that the UniversityPhilosophical Society would do well tosee who the college was "bringing in fora honorary degree and tag on to them"in an effort to get guests. "No;' saidanother staff member, "we're the onesdoing the tagging on here John."

In recent times that society, the Phil,has become something of a celebritymagnet. Thanks to these plugged-inkids/parasites, Trinity has played host toa wide variety of actors, directors, mediawhores and the odd bishop. Two figurescredited with recent success are PaddyCosgrave and Daire Hickey, the manwho brought us Desmond Tutu and JohnMcCain. Hickey bagged AI Pacino, OliverStone, Bill O'Reilly and ... Michael Portillo.Success has given the student society atwo-fingers attitude to the college and onewhich is tolerated precisely because of theexposure it gets for the college.

The Phil is like a Fianna Fail Cummanmeeting in a small rural area. Everyoneis ambitious and out to the stab the nextgobshite; popping your head up as "oneto watch" is a kamikaze gesture; and inthe end the cute whoor wins.

For some, this route to being a Trinneris even more risky than copious amountsof no-ties sex and cocaine, with thepossibilities for burn-out even higher.These folks often go down the road of"getting involved in college life." This isone of those clapped-out phrases trottedout by career advisors in secondaryschools to ease the mind of Little Ruthoff to the Big Smoke: "Get involved andyou'll meet plenty of nice people:'

o AVOID THE STUDENT'S UNIONIf you want to get ahead, avoid anyinvolvement with one body - theStudents' Union. If your friends getinvolved, cut them loose. If yourSiamese twin decides it is wherehe wants to find friends, suggestsurgery. An SU class rep or officerhoodie sends an 'I seek validation byassociation but none of the good clubswould have me' message to anyoneoutside the suo Indeed the only timeUnion politics should be approachedis if you are big enough, well knownenough and vain enough to think youcan change all of the above.

As a warning, I suggest tuning intoJoe Duffy and listening for as longas you are physically able. Then ask

THERE ARE morepensionable Yanks inTrinity than you can

shake a very dull book at.They roam in packs, trappingthe unwary with requests ofdirections to the "Lib-rairy"They bring with them itemsthat would never make itwith the fashion-consciousstudents - bum-bags, track-suits and rainmacs.

They also bringopportunity.

Meet Mr. JosephO'Gorman, HonoraryTreasurer of the CentralSocieties Committee; alsoknown as Smoking Joe, asly old Trinity Fox.A formerchair of the Dublin UniversityPublications Comtnittee,officer of the Chapel Choirand incumbent on almostevery significant collegecommittee, he is for some theepitome of the Trinner.

It is O'Gorman who runsthe lucrative Trinity Tours - aguided tour of the grounds

o WORK FOR THIS GUYby students with distinctlyplummy accents for a mere€10 plus any tips one feelsobliged to part with.

Those who have themisfortune of passingthrough Trinity on a

Fitch catalogue. However,for the ambitious student,Tours is one way to possiblesuccess and definite notoriety.Smoking Joe is a friend in avery high place - and whatbetter way to win friends and

'Smoking Joe is a friend in a veryhigh place - and what better wayto win friends and influence thanto make him money?summer's day will hear thestaff of 'Tours; as it's known,proclaiming loudly in theirbest West-Brit: "GuiiiiiidedTouuuuuurs of the ColllllegeLiiiiiiiiibrary commencing inone hour:'

The 'Tours Boys' are atough act to break. Youhaveto resemble someone from aHugo Boss/Abercrombie and

influence than to make himmoney?

Some prospective Trinnersmay look down their noseat such 'menial' labour butbefore you do, I suggesta little task. Seek out atour guide and try to findsomething he doesn't knowabout the place. These guyshave Trinity wired.

yourself, "Do I want to be this man?" Dothis and you will never even be temptedby the free hoodies.

member of Team England you musthave attended a public school (whichwill have cost Mummy and Daddy onaverage £20,000 a year). You are alsoexpected to have done a gap year - a yearspent doing vague and largely unhelpful"charity work" in Africa, South America,India or South East Asia. This is theTeam Englander's attempt to show theworld that although he is disgustinglyrich, he can also be altruistic. The third

8 PRETEND TO BE ENGLISHThe English are everywhere in Trinity.Some of them succeed in mingling withthe natives, but the Arts Block is hostto a hardcore group of Anglophiles whoare known as Team England. To be a

THE DUBLINER 75

WHERE'S CHARLES?

All the cliches are wrong. There's no onecalled Charles in Trinity. Is there?

"Yeah 1 knowCharles. The formervice president of thegraduate union. He'ssomewhat eccentric:'

RORY TREANOR

"I know aCharles. He'swell turnedout, slightlypretentious."EIMHIN WALSH

"I know somebodycalled Charles.

He wears skinnyjeans and studies

English andPhilosophy."

LAURA MONAGAN

"I think he's English.He wears a blazerand drinks gin andtonic. He likes tothink he's a real man:'EMMA BYRNE

"The Charles 1knowwears three piece

suits. He enjoysthe writing of Lord

Byron and has a finecollection of tea party

paraphernalia."HUBIE DAVISON

76 THE DUBLINER

prerequisite to be a member of TeamEngland is that your social circle consistsentirely of other upper-class Brits, withthe occasional well-heeled Irish personor American thrown in to provideinterest and variety.

While on this subject, it is alsoworth mentioning Oxbridge RejectionComplex, which explains the academicneurosis that grips many students.

It is an unpleasant truth that themajority of students in the Arts Block,and virtually all those from the UK,have tried and failed to get into eitherOxford or Cambridge. In their minds,Trinity, though a prestigious university,can never fully compensate for notbeing Oxbridge.

Trinity is not Oxford, no matter whatQueen Elizabeth I might have envisagedwhen she founded the University ofDublin. It simply cannot be comparedto Matthew Arnold's fond descriptionof Oxford as a "city with her dreamingspires:' The only spi1-eDublin possessesis 120 metres high, made out of stainlesssteel with a flashing red light affixed to itsapex. This, incidentally, can be seen fromFront Square at night and slightly detractsfrom the college's 18th-century charm.

DRINK TOO MUCH But enough ofthese architectural distractions. Let usassume that despite everything I havejust told you, you're vaguely curious aboutcollege life. How can you pass yourself offas a current undergraduate ofTCD?

First of all, dress the part. A hoodieand a pair of jeans is pretty standardstudent uniform. If you want to lookslightly more suave, perhaps you shouldhunt out a society hoodie to give youextra kudos, and team it with a pair ofdrainpipes. Show your individualityby donning a brightly-patterned scarf

Students line up for their daily dose of Kaliber

bought in Pakistan. This done, you arefree to infiltrate the college social scene.Your timing is good. Freshers' Week - itstarts on October 3rd - is the best timeto do this.

Freshers' Week is when all thestudents who do nothing all year joinsocieties and clubs in a short-livedresolve to get involved. Wander aboutFront Square looking a bit lost, andreceive invitations to countless partiesand club nights, nearly all organised bythose lovely people from the Students'Union. The next step is to show upat the GMB, listen to a bit of waffleabout how great it is getting involvedand bingo! Free drink everywhere.Yes, the white wine tastes like vinegar,but who cares? And don't be nervous.Most of the fresh-faced teenagers willbe utterly unaccustomed to downingso much vino in such a short spaceof time and will become swiftly andparalytically inebriated. There will,however, be a number of hardeneddrinkers (sophisters, not freshmen) whoare immune to the dangers of cheapwine. Careful! Memorise the names ofeveryone on the Students' Union Counciland the auditors of the Hist and thePhil. When a suspicious student tries toexpose you for the fraud you are, name-drop and intimidate him into silence.

If you can actually befriend the societyhacks who roam the campus, you'll enjoycopious quantities of free booze, freetickets to the Trinity Ball and illicit partiesin the mythical tunnels rumoured to liebeneath the cobblestones of Front Square.Alas, I cannot reveal where the entranceis. Indeed I have divulged all that Iconscientiously can without being forciblyexpelled from university.

The temptation to shaft my peers isstrong, but the desire to graduate iseven stronger.