THE TRUTH ABOUT MARRIAGE

Michael Tanner

Copyright © 2016 Michael Tanner

All rights reserved.

How could I possibly dedicate this little book to anyone other than my wife, Jennifer? Jennifer has been, for over 22 years now, the test subject for every suggestion you will find in this book. It is with

grace and love that she remains patient with me as I stumble through my efforts to become the husband that she deserves.

Jennifer, I love you with everything in me.

CHAPTER ONE

Introduction

What do I hope to accomplish with this little book? It’s a question I’ve asked myself several times. Not because I’m unclear on my desires, but rather to ensure I best serve those that will read it.

It is my desire the content of this book will positively impact the marriages represented by every reader. Each chapter will, in some way, share a variety of my personal experiences over 22 years of marriage. In sharing those experiences, I’ll also share proven ways to improve your marriage.

This book is simply a collection of my most popular blog articles on the subject of marriage. Over the past few years, I’ve devoted countless hours to self examination and discussions with other men to gain a thorough understanding of the real challenges we face. This effort has led to this collection of blog articles.

Nothing offered in this book is conjecture. Every chapter is grounded in my own personal experience. At times, I’ll share details of my own failures and advise you to avoid them. In other chapters, I’ll share proven methods of success that can be applied to your marriage. And above all else, you will find every suggestion to adhere to biblical principles of wisdom.

I sincerely hope that you enjoy the read, but more so I hope that you actually put to action the knowledge you will gain from this book. Knowledge unapplied is just academia, knowledge applied leads to wisdom. I’m truly honored that you are reading this book, but honestly you shouldn’t bother if you don’t plan to put it into action.

As you put the principles you find in this book into action, I hope you will share y o u r e x p e r i e n c e s w i t h m e . P l e a s e s h o o t m e a n e m a i l a t michael@michaeltanner.org.

Be blessed,-MT

CHAPTER TWO

How To Be A Better Husband

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4 Nuggets of Wisdom that Will Instantly Make You a Better Husband

Have you ever recognized an area of your leadership that needed to improve, but you just didn’t know how to improve it? Maybe it was through self revelation, some performance feedback mechanism, or a teaching or lesson that you came to know that certain leadership skills were weak. For me, this often occurs in church when a preacher or teacher tells me that I am supposed to be the spiritual leader of my family. I always seem to be left with the thought, “great, now I know I’m suppose to lead my family spiritually - but how?”

In this article, I’d like to focus on one aspect of a man’s role at home; the role of husband. Now don’t misinterpret this article to indicate that I’m the perfect husband or that I have women all figured out; nothing could be farther from the truth. I don’t intend for this article to be a Bible study, but I feel it very necessary to seek out books of wisdom that speak to the subject at hand. The Bible offers a great deal of wisdom that describes our role as husbands, so I’ll reference a few verses as the basis for these 4 nuggets of wisdom that will instantly make you a better husband. That is they will make you a better husband immediately upon practicing the principles. It isn’t enough to just know these principles, you must put them into practice.

Lets start with the Bible verses; Ephesians 5:25-27 (emphasis added with underlining to focus our attention on the 4 nuggets of wisdom described below).

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her to make her holy, cleansing her with the washing of water by the word. He did this to present the church to Himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or anything like that, but holy and blameless.

Love Is A VerbThe first nugget of wisdom tells husbands to love our wives. Now that sounds simple, right? After all, that is why we got married; because we love our wives. But let’s look a bit deeper at the notion of loving our wives. The word love as used in this verse is a verb. Now I’m a math and science guy, but I know enough about my English grammar to understand that a verb represents action. The verse doesn’t advise us to have love (noun) for our wives, it doesn’t even advise us to tell our wives that we love them. The verse requires that we take action to show our wives that we love them. Ask yourself, “what action have I taken today to show my wife that I love her?"

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Love Is A ChoiceThe second nugget of wisdom tells us that Jesus loves the church. Again this sounds simple enough, but we must recognize that Jesus, as described in other parts of the Bible, is fully God and the church is a group of sinful mere humans. Given that disparity there is no real reason for Jesus to love the church. The only reason Jesus loves the church is because he has made the choice to do so. Love is not based on feeling or emotions, that’s just infatuation. Love is based on a decision of exclusivity and dedication. The choice to love your wife is proven during the most difficult times within a marriage. Ask yourself, “is my choice to love my wife apparent during the most difficult situations of our marriage?"

Love Is A SacrificeThe third nugget of wisdom speaks to sacrifice. The verse describes how Jesus “gave Himself” for the church. This is a clear reference to the fact that Jesus made the ultimate sacrifice (death) for the people of the church that he had made a decision to love. Now, this verse isn’t telling husbands to go out and get ourselves murdered for our wives, but it is telling us that we must sacrifice for our wives. Sacrifice for our wives is essentially a statement to the effect that life is no longer about ourselves after marriage, life is now about serving and sacrificing for the needs and wants of our wife. Now don’t think that you are sacrificing for your wife every day when you leave the house to go to work. You would have to work whether you were married or not. You sacrifice for your wife when you give up something you want or need for something she wants or needs. Ask yourself, “what have I given up to meet the wants or needs of my wife today?”

Love Is UpliftingOur final nugget of wisdom for this article describes why we make the choice to show action and sacrifice for our wives. We do so for the purpose of lifting them up. Lifting their spirit, their attitude, their hope, and their happiness. Sure, the verse speaks of making holy and we know that only God can make a person holy. So this isn’t giving husbands the impossible task of making a person holy. The next verse goes on the mention the splendor, spotless, wrinkle less, holy, and blameless nature that can be brought about by the spiritual leadership of a good husband. Ask yourself, “how have I lifted the hopes, spirit, attitude, or happiness of my wife today?”

So there you have it men, 4 simple nuggets of wisdom found in the Bible that when practiced will certainly make you a better husband. So in the spirit of super bowl weekend, let’s pick up the ball and run with it.

CHAPTER THREE

The BEST Way To Love Your Wife

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The Mistake Proof Method For Demonstrating Your Love For Her

Have you ever felt you were knocking it out of the park regarding your love for your wife? Only to realize that she feels lonely and abandoned by you. How can this be? You bring flowers home from after work. You do the dishes and clean up the kitchen every now and again. You do homework with the kids. You take her out for date nights. With all of this, how can she possibly not feel loved by you?

Well, I have a reality check for you. Your wife can still feel a lack of love after all these efforts and many more. You may think I’m headed down the path of better understanding your wife’s love language. While that is very important, I have a mistake proof method for demonstrating your love for her that transcends all of the five love languages in Gary Chapman’s famous book.

That’s right, in this one article I’ll give you the secret that will empower you to sweep her off her feet and make her feel like the most loved lady on the planet. And best of all, this method is mistake proof. Literally, we can’t mess this up.

Now, as if that wasn’t enough, you can also rest assured that your wife will recognize and feel your love when you use the method I’m about to share with you. This method of demonstrating your love is absolute truth. This method is biblical. This method is God’s plan for your marriage.

So what is this method? How can you best love your wife?

One word… SACRIFICE

So that you believe my claim this is biblical and God’s plan for you marriage, let me take you to Ephesians 5:25. Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. Now we know that Paul is likely referring to Jesus’ sacrifice of Himself on the cross in payment for the sins of those of the church. God isn’t telling your to find a way to sacrifice your life. But He is telling your to love your wife in a manner that makes it clear you are willing to sacrifice anything for her.

Do you think Jesus was willing to sacrifice his time for the church? Do you think Jesus was willing to sacrifice his career for the church? What about his friends? Think He would give up his friends for the sake of the church if need be? And hobbies? What are the chances Jesus would choose His hobbies over the church?

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We all know the answer to these questions. Of course Jesus would sacrifice all of those things and more for the church. And we know this with certainty because He proved it with his actions on the cross - by sacrificing His life.

Does your wife know without a doubt that you would sacrifice your career for her? Hunting and fishing are may favorite hobbies. I have the fondest of life memories associated with these activities with my dad. Maybe you enjoy hunting and fishing as much as I do. Does your wife believe you would sacrifice your time in the woods or the trout stream for her?

Your wife’s primary need in life is security. This isn’t just physical security. This is also emotional, mental, and spiritual security. She gains emotional, mental, and spiritual security in the confidence that her husband is willing and prepared to sacrifice whatever necessary for the good of her and the family.

CHAPTER FOUR

The Biggest Mystery About Sacrifice

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Sacrifice is about what we do, not what we don’t do

Armed with the understanding from Ephesians that husbands are to sacrifice for our wives, we are left with the questions of what and how. What do we need to sacrifice for our wives? Time on the golf course or fishing? Maybe time with our buddies? And how do we do this? Do we just skip that annual fishing trip this year?

When we hear the instruction to sacrifice ourselves for the sake of our wives, we seem to translate that into the question, ‘what do I have to give up?’ Sacrificing for our wives isn’t at all about what we must give up or stop doing. Sacrifice is about what we do, not what we don’t do.

Let’s examine again the verses found in Ephesians. Husbands, love your wives, just as also Christ loved the church and gave Himself for her (Ephesians 5:25). Notice that the Scripture doesn’t focus on what Christ didn’t do, but rather what He did do for the church. It doesn’t say that Christ left His career - switching from carpenter to minister. Jesus hung out with fishermen a lot, maybe He enjoyed fishing also. The Scripture doesn’t mention his sacrifice of time on the lake.

Ephesians 5:25 instead focused on what Christ did for the church. He gave Himself for her. As mentioned in the previous article, this is certainly a reference to Christ’s willingness to go to the cross, be crucified by the Romans, for the forgiveness of our sins. Christ was not focused on what He was giving up, He was focused on what He needed to do for the church.

The words just as tell us husbands that we are to sacrifice for our wives in the same attitude. Not an attitude of begrudgingly giving something up, but rather an attitude of willing doing whatever necessary for the good of our wives. Therefore, we must focus on what we need to do for our wives, rather than focus on what we don’t get to do.

By the way, we should also change our vocabulary regarding sacrifice for our wives. We don’t have to sacrifice for our wives. We GET to sacrifice for our wives.

Our wives are typically very discerning in the area of knowing our attitudes and motives regarding our sacrificing for them. If we focus on what we could be doing and begrudgingly clean the house or prepare dinner for her. She is fully aware of our attitude. This poor attitude does not communicate to her the security that is her greatest need.

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Remember, our wives’ greatest need is to feel secure - physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual security. She feels that need being met when she knows that her husband in WILLING to sacrifice whatever needed for her. An attitude that is focused on what we are missing out on does not convey willingness.

Ok got it, we sacrifice for our wives with a willing attitude that is focused on what we need to do rather than what we don’t get to do. Now equipped with this knowledge, we are left with a final important question. What do we need to do for our wives?

Well, that’s answered again in a single word… Ask.

That’s right, just ask her. In our asking, remember the importance of attitude and tone. Express our willingness to sacrifice for her in a humble and willing manner, then ask her what she needs us to do. This isn’t a question that we will ask once. This is a question that we will ask daily. One day the answer will be wash the clothes. Another day will be sweep the floors. Yet another day will be just hold her or listen to her vent about the difficulties of her day.

Whatever her response, it is our responsibilities to sacrifice ourselves and do whatever she needs with a humble and willing attitude. That is what Christ did for the church and that is what we are commanded to do for our wives.

CHAPTER FIVE

Understanding Your Wife's Greatest Need

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It’s her greatest need, it behooves you to understand it

In conversations with guys regarding marriage or being a good husband, I often encounter what I consider to be a grave misunderstanding of a wife’s greatest need. Some men, like me, have been to enough marriage conferences or heard enough Bible teachings that we think we have a good understanding of our wife’s greatest need. Other men, poor souls, are wondering blindly trying to figure it out. All of us, whether we think we understand or not, struggle to truly meet our wife’s greatest need.

In this article, I’d like to explore a broader understanding of a wife’s greatest need and discuss some practical ways that a husband can begin to meet that need.

We obviously have to start with an acknowledgement of our wife’s greatest need. This basic and greatest need applies to women in general, but it is specifically in the relationship of the marriage that a wife will seek fulfillment of this need. Additionally, the Bible defines the marriage to be the primary source of meeting this need inside a woman (Ephesians 5:25, Genesis 2:24). So what is your wife’s biggest need? Security. But having said that, I’m willing to bet that you don’t fully understand what that means.

Maybe you’ve heard the statement from any number of sources that your wife’s greatest need is security. No doubt, if you have heard it, you’ve consider security in terms of finances or physical security. Some men will immediately think to themselves, “I make a lot of money, so I’m certainly meeting my wife’s greatest need.” Other more simple men will think, “I’m always are of the physical dangers around and stand willing to protect my wife at all cost, so I’m certainly meeting my wife’s greatest need.” Let me say it plainly, you’ve completely misunderstood your wife’s greatest need.

Yes, your wife needs to feel secure; however, financial and physical security are a minuscule aspect of her need. When your wife considers her security, she will never assure herself with the thought “he makes a lot of money.” She will never assure herself with the thought “he locks the doors at night.” Security to her is defined by your willingness to sacrifice. Your wife feels secure when she knows that, without question, you will sacrifice whatever it takes to meet her needs. You won’t spend time helping with the children’s homework because you have a

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project you need to finish in the garage - insecurity starts to set in. You won’t help her work out a family budget because you don’t like the idea of a spending allowance - insecurity wedges deeper into your marriage. You won’t priorities time with her over time with your golf buddies or work - insecurity forces her to seek security elsewhere. Let me be clear guys, you won’t like it when she seeks security elsewhere.

Since money is often the first consideration when thinking about your wife’s need for security, let address money head on. Your wife will feel secure when she knows that you will literally do whatever it takes to earn the income needed to support the family. That means deliver pizzas at night, take college courses at night, mow lawns on the weekends, whatever it takes. Additionally, as you do whatever it takes to earn the income needed to support the family, your wife will feel secure when she knows that you will make any personal spending sacrifice to ensure all available funds go toward the greater family needs. So before you buy that newly released gadget or plan attending the annual golf outing this fall, ask your wife if you are doing all that you can to make her feel secure.

So what are some practical steps we can take to meet this greatest need in our wives?

Ask herI just alluded to this, just ask your wife if you make her feel secure. I know you are afraid to ask primarily because you are afraid she will answer. She will answer and she will answer honestly. You may not like the answer, but give her permission to answer honestly without the fear to persecution for her answer. If her answer is no, you need to follow up to ask her what you can do that will help her feel secure. Trust me, the second question is easier to ask than the first.

Ask GodThis will certainly lead you to the Bible where you will encounter verses like Ephesians 5:25 and 1 Peter 3:7. Those verses and others clearly tell us to sacrifice for our wives. Don’t try to spin the meaning of those verses in some type of super spiritual manner, they mean exactly what they say.

Ask othersAs men, we almost always overlook the value that can be found in the counsel of other men. Our pride prevents us from exposing our own shortcomings and thus prevents us from cleaning wise counsel and practical experience from other men. Obviously you must select wise and trusted men. Not only will you gain wise insights into how you can meet your wife’s needs, you will likely gain the benefit of support from another man that fully understands the trials of a marriage.

Take action

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I shared in a previous post that love is often used as a verb in the Bible. Therefore, we must demonstrate our understanding of our wife’s greatest need through action. Take the counsel received from your wife, the Bible, and wise counsel and put it into an action plan to will show (not tell) your wife that you are committed to meeting her needs.

Ask herYes, this is a repeat. Consider that a ‘rinse and repeat’ process. If her answer to the security question is still no, you still have work to do.

CHAPTER SIX

3 Ways To Better Understand Your Wife

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She is different, you’d better learn to understand her uniqueness

Books have been written, jokes have been made, and lectures have been given regarding all the ways that women are different from men. It’s true. Your wife is different. And that is a good thing. That is exactly how God made her.

I don’t know about you, but I greatly appreciate the fact that my wife isn’t like me. The thought of laying in bed beside another me really freaks me out. My skin isn’t smooth, my hands aren’t soft.

All jokes aside, your wife is different in much deeper ways than just her physical appearance. Your wife is wired differently on the emotional, mental, and spiritual levels as well. I can’t explain the differences in men and women any better than my pastor. Men, you were created in a manner that simply required God to grab a handful of dirt. Your wife, she was created in a very delicate medical procedure (see Genesis 2).

Your responsibility as her husband is to study her and discover all of those differences. You are not discovering those differences for the purpose of changing them. You are discovering her differences for the purpose of loving her better - loving her according to her uniqueness.

So how do you go about learning and discovering these differences? How do you better understand your wife?

Unfortunately, this is a task that can’t be addressed with a single word. It can’t even be addressed with a single suggestion. In fact, what I’ll share with you here is certainly not an exhaustive list of suggestions. However, these 3 suggestions will get you well on your way to understanding your wife.

Stop trying to change herOur ability to understand the uniqueness of our wives is always hindered by our desires or attempts to change her. It is important to understand that God specifically and uniquely created your wife the way she is. Think about it for a second. You are attempting to change something that God created. Doesn’t sound like such a good idea, does it?

Ask how your can pray for herNothing will indicate what is most important to your wife than knowing her

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prayer concerns. Your wife is almost always concerned about totally different aspects of life than you. Ask her how you can pray for her. If your marriage has any level of trust, she will divulge her inner most concerns. Understanding her deepest concerns will help you understand what is important to your wife. Remember, you aren’t trying to fix this concern - you are to pray about it.

Study herDo you remember carrying a book bag during your high school or college days? Ok, me neither. I wasn’t the poster child for a studious young man. But I remember other students that did carry book bags. What was in those bags? Books and notebooks of course. Those books and notebooks accompanied students everywhere they went. It seemed every moment of every day was spent gathering knowledge about a subject. Your responsibility as a husband is to study your wife like a school boy studies algebra. Get your books, grab a notebook and pen, observe her regularly (pay very close attention), take notes, and review those notes regularly. There will certain soon come a pop quiz.

In 1 Peter 3:7, we find instructions that tell us to live with our wives in understanding. There is much to be learned from the rest of this verse, but for now we should focus on understanding.

CHAPTER SEVEN

The Importance of Money in Marriage

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Money can literally make or break a marriage

I’ve heard it said that 75% of divorced couples cite money as the primary culprit for their divorce. For accuracy sake, it’s probably better stated that disagreements regarding money is the principle reason for divorce. As 1 Timothy 6:10 describes, the love of money is the root of all sorts of evil. It isn’t money itself that causes marital issues. It is differing thoughts and feelings toward money that separate married couples.

Unfortunately, many couples take the ostrich approach to dealing with money conflicts within the marital relationship. Rather than address the disagreements like adults, couples tend to stick their heads in the sand, ignore the issue, refuse to discuss it, and ultimately end up in divorce. Initially, avoidance of money conflicts seems the easiest approach for a marriage. It is certainly easy to avoid the subject of money when there are differences between a husband and wife. However, avoidance will only open the door for more serious issues in the marriage.

It may not be money, or even the love of it, that ends a marriage, but allowing money conflicts to linger will invite other negative consequences that together can end the best of marriages. Let’s examine a few of the marital challenges that will arise if you neglect to properly address money within your relationship.

StressMarriage carries with it enough stress without adding money concerns. Every married couple has one or both spouses working crazy hours in a pressure filled environment. This tends to mean one or both spouses are bringing work related stress into the home. Add to this the pressures of raising children and already blood pressures reach dangerous levels due to stress.

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Now place on the marriage the stress of unplanned expenditures, overdue bills, and mountains of debt. Without a well communicated plan and alignment from both spouses, a couple runs the risk of stress overload.

TrustTrust within a marriage relationship is often limited to sexual fidelity. It is true, sexual infidelity will completely destroy trust within a marriage relationship, however it is important to recognize that misuse of money will break down trust as well.

One spouse is focused on paying down debt, while the other is spending frivolously. One spouse is over analyzing every penny spent, while the other is less concerned with the details. These differences in views of money, it not discussed, will erode the trust between husband and wife.

ResentmentAs the trust between husband and wife breaks down, it begins to turn into resentment. Bitter indignation builds as each feels they are being treated unfairly or being unheard by the other.

Resentment is deep rooted within a person and requires serious commitment and time to resolve. In fact, trust cannot be rebuilt until all resentment is removed.

VengeanceEventually, if not addressed, resentment will result in action. Out of vengeance, one spouse will react with money in ways they know will anger their spouse. A wife will splurge on a mall shopping spree or a husband will take out a loan for a new boat. Or a penny pincher will restrict access to bank accounts or hide funds in other accounts.

These vengeful actions begin a perpetual downward spiral that cycles back through more stress, less trust, more resentment, and more spiteful actions.

Forget about the divorce statistics. It doesn’t really matter if money conflicts cause 75% of divorces. The only marriage that matters is yours. Recognize that money conflicts can destroy your marriage if you don’t address them. I didn’t say you have to solve all your money conflicts, but you must address them. One of you is likely the penny pincher and the other is the free spender. Neither of you need to change the way you view money, but both of you need to agree and align on how you will use money.

CHAPTER EIGHT

I So Needed A Night In The Hospital

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What I learned during my wife’s hospital visit

We are currently on our third of a five to seven day hospital stay following my wife’s surgery. I find it near impossible to ignore the thoughts and feelings that have washed over me, thus I figure I should share them here. In doing so, I hope that it will help you to recognize the truth in these thoughts without the need for a hospital visit.

By recognizing the truth in these thoughts and applying them to our actions, we can dramatically improve as husbands. My challenge to you is to take action now, rather than wait for something like a hospital visit to wake you up. Read on, but don’t just stop with reading - apply these truths today.

Sacrifice is easy when viewed as neededJennifer’s surgery was on Wednesday, probably my busiest day at the office. I didn’t bother taking an official vacation day because I felt like I could get all my work done while I waited before, during, and after her surgery. I quickly realized my worrisome nature wasn’t going to allow me to work, because my mind could only focus on worry for her.

After her surgery, we were taken to a hospital room that has been home for three days now. As we entered the room, I thought I could finally get my work done. However, seeing her in pain and need of some comfort, I didn’t even bother getting my laptop from my bag. Instead I simply sat by her bed, held her hand, and ensured her that she would be fine.

In those moments, it was very easy, even natural, to sacrifice everything I needed to do in order to focus on serving her. It’s what was needed, therefore it was easy. Sacrifice for our wife is always needed, we just don’t always recognize it as needed.

There is power in physical touchThis one is obvious to me because my love language is physical touch. But not everyone naturally gives and receives love through physical touch. My wife is an acts of service and quality time person. If you aren’t familiar with what I’m talking about, see The Five Love Languages book by Gary Chapman.

It was late in the evening on Wednesday before the anesthesia had worn off and her grogginess had subsided. As we talked in a coherent manner for the first time in several hours, she said something that proved even an acts of service

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person recognizes the power in physical touch.

As Jennifer described the difficulties and pains of coming out of anesthesia and surgery recovery, she mentioned that having me hold her hand and rub her arm brought comfort and security. I have to say, knowing I helped her in any small way made me feel like Superman. Words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, and gifts are great, but occasionally nothing says ‘I love you’ like physical touch.

The protective nature is alive and wellI’m a former Marine. I fully understand how to protect my family. However, Parris Island and Security Forces MOS training was a long time ago. I know the skills and knowledge learned long ago have waned away.

However, the protective instincts are alive and well. I know this because at one point on Wednesday, it was all I could do to keep myself from choking out a guy at the hospital. He was working to get her all hooked up to various monitoring apparatuses following her surgery. As she explained that she was in big pain and asking for his help, he seemed to ignore her. I wanted to fly across the room, slap him around a bit, and yell “listen to her, she’s in pain.” In that moment, I realized that while the protective skills may have diminished, the instincts are ever present.

DISCLAIMER: the guy that was working with Jennifer after her surgery did absolutely nothing wrong in caring for her. It was much more important that he get her hooked up to the monitoring machines than give her pain medicines. In fact, he couldn’t give her pain medicines until he got all the IVs hooked up.

Loneliness is realI’m an introvert and maybe even a loner at times. I don’t mind being alone. It isn’t that I dislike being with people, but being alone never really bothers me.

That is until faced with the worry of being without my family. I think no matter how routine a surgical procedure, it is impossible to avoid thinking about the worst case scenario. I confess, those thoughts entered my mind as they wheeled her out of the pre-op room and down the hallway through the large double doors into the operating room.

During her two and a half hour surgery, I grabs some lunch and returned to the surgery waiting room at the hospital. By this time, it was late in the day and the waiting room was empty. As I sat alone with my worst case worries, I realized that even I am not immune to loneliness. This type of loneliness makes every small argument that tends to drive even the smallest of separation between us seem stupid.

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She does so much for usI’m exhausted! Just three days into this ordeal and I’m literally exhausted. Sure, sitting around a hospital can drain energy quickly, but this exhaustion is much deeper than that. Even a couple sleepless nights can get me down like this.

I’m exhausted because I now shoulder the responsibility for most of what she normally does. I must acknowledge that we are tremendously blessed with very support family and friends. Many have done so much to support us through this ordeal. But somehow, me and this small army can’t seem to accomplish what she does on a daily basis.

So far I haven’t missed an appointment, school assignment, or children’s event, but I feel like it’s coming. How does she do this? I don’t know how, but I now realize the significance. Clearly more expressed appreciation is needed.

CHAPTER NINE

Is She Your Only One?

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The question she secretly asks when your eyes wander

I remember my response feeling like an excuse. It felt as if I were explaining away a dear friend’s feeling of insecurity in marriage. It was truth, but it certainly felt like an excuse. Finally, another member of our Bible study group helped me out with the statement that “men are naturally visual beings.”

Yes, that’s exactly what I was trying to say. Therefore we must be intentional to keep our eyes from wandering even just a little. In our group discussion regarding marriage, this dear friend revealed an insecurity equally innate in women as the wandering eye in men. This innate insecurity causes our wives to question whether she is our only one? Is there someone else?

Our natural response is to write this off as ridiculousness, suggest our wandering eye is harmless, and change the subject quickly. But the truth is, she has every right to be worried. You see, her innate insecurity regarding your wandering eye is supported by biblical truth.

In 2 Samuel 11 we have the familiar account of David and Bathsheba. Most people know that David and Bathsheba ended up committing adultery together and David eventually arranged the death of her husband, Uriah. Some are even familiar with the consequences that David and Bathsheba suffer for their sin - deaths and conflicts in their family. But do you know how this path to adultery and murder started?

It all started with a single instance of an uncontrolled wandering eye. In 2 Samuel 11:2, we read that “from the roof he saw a woman bathing - a very

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beautiful woman.” David, the king of Israel, the man after God’s own heart, then sends a messenger to bring Bathsheba to him.

If the wandering eye is not intentionally prevented, it will eventually lead to more. If a man allows his eyes to wander and gaze upon women other than his wife, looking will eventually become action. It will reach the point that looking doesn’t bring enough pleasure.

So how do we prevent our eyes from wandering? Let’s examine 3 says to practically prevent this natural tendency in each of us.

Acknowledge realityAs a member of our Bible study so accurately stated, “men are naturally visual beings.” There is no shame in it, this is how God created us. We don’t have to pretend that we are somehow immune to the temptation to look. Acknowledging this reality requires that we discuss it with our wife. Solicit her prayers in defeating the temptation to look at other women. Give her permission to lovingly reprimand us when she catches us looking.

Be intentionalThis is what I was trying to explain in our Bible study group that felt so much like an excuse. The only way that wandering eyes will be avoided is if we are intentional to prevent or stop it. This intentionality means that we focus on recognition of those moments throughout the day that something catches our eye. Upon recognition of our wandering eye, intentionality means that we divert our eye and our attention elsewhere. The best place to which to divert our attention in those moments is our own wife.

Commit to prayerI often feel this goes without saying, but I recognize it is often the most overlooked weapon we have against temptation. Begin your day with prayers God will protect you from the temptation of wandering eyes. Pray for recognition of the temptation and the strength to resist. Memorize Scripture that can be recited in prayer during those moments you find your eyes wandering.

Do not fall into the trap of believing that looking is harmless. Every single instance of adultery started with a single instance of looking. By arresting your eyes and mind, you will eliminate the risk of being drawn away from your wife and into the sin of adultery.

CHAPTER TEN

Do Your Walls Need To Be Rebuilt?

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We can’t hire a contractor for this construction project

The early years of our marriage were lived out in a couple military towns. Being a first term enlisted Marine, the income I could provide our family was meager. Given a small income and the environment offered by a military town, we were not able to live in the best part of town.

Base housing was completely booked, so we rented a little duplex apartment not far from the base entrance. While the structure of our apartment was sound and secure, I often worried for the safety of my new bride. The combination of being newly married, being away from home, and the perceived insecurity of our rental neighborhood consumed much of my thought life. I wanted nothing more that to run home and ensure the security of my small family.

A recent reading of the book of Nehemiah reminded me of those early years of our marriage. Nehemiah was originally from Jerusalem, but he is living in the city of Susa when chapter one picks up his story. Upon hearing of the condition of Jerusalem’s walls, Nehemiah was overwhelmed with concern for the security of his hometown. Nehemiah soon made his way back to Jerusalem to lead the effort to rebuilt the walls and secure the city.

During those early days of our marriage, I often felt similar urges as Nehemiah - get home and lead the effort to secure it.

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Crumbling city walls are easy to recognize. Insecurities of the neighborhood in which we live are readily identifiable. We men typically stand ready and willing to take whatever actions necessary to protect our family. But what about the crumbling family walls that we don’t recognize? What about the missing walls that protect our family from trojan horse attacks? Let’s look at 3 walls that may be missing or crumbling in your family.

Walls that protect your timeWithout proper walls to protect your family’s time, life will completely consume every minute of the day. A family needs time together. A family needs time for rest. A family needs time for play.

Too often, we men leave all the time management decisions to our wife. This isn’t to say they can’t handle the task, but it is unfair of us to put all the responsibility on our wife. Our call to action requires that we actively participate to ensure our family has time together. Identify time within each day, build a wall around that time, and don’t let work, hobbies, extracurricular activities, or even church invade that time.

Walls that protect your relationships with othersProtective walls surrounding your marriage relationship should always be maintained. There are countless outside influence that can quietly tear your marriage apart. These outside influences can be as “harmless” as your children, friends, or hobbies. They can also be as provocative as pornography. Regardless of the outside influence, the best defense are properly established and maintained walls around your marriage.

The relationship between parent and child is often rather fragile - especially during the teenage years. To keep the bull out of your fragile china shop, erect the necessary walls around your relationship. These walls will protect your time with your children - not allowing their friends or activities to steal away precious time.

Walls that protect your relationship with JesusAbove all, ensure the walls that protect your relationship with Jesus are high and strong. This isn’t to say you can somehow lose the salvation you have through faith in Jesus. But your relationship with Him can suffer if it isn’t protected. Ensure the walls are protecting your time with Jesus, prayer life, and Bible reading time. Don’t allow the busyness of life to sneak in and take you away from Jesus.

Nehemiah’s call to action was to rebuild the destroyed walls surrounding Jerusalem. The city needed these walls for protection from outsiders. Our call to action is to establish the needed walls that protect our time, families, and relationship with Jesus from the ultimate outsider - the Devil.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

I Didn't Want To Stay At Work, But I Also Didn't Want To Go

Home

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What to do when you dread going home

It was 18 or so years ago, but I still remember his answer and my response. I was three or four years into marriage and working my way through college at a second shift job with a large lawn care company. Late into many of my second shift evenings I would encounter a veteran of the first shift staff still hanging around the shop.

It was nearing eight o’clock in the evening when I ran across “Steve” (names changed to protect the innocent). Knowing Steve had a wife and few kids at home, I asked him… “Steve, why are you hanging around the shop so much? Get home to your family!” His response stunned me and I vowed I would never say what he said to me.

“Michael, with my old lady so stressed out and the kids out of control, I don’t really want to go home.” I walked away from Steve thinking to myself - never, not me. But fast forward 18 years and I’m ashamed to say the same feelings have invaded my own life.

If I Had Only Known

If I understood marriage then the way I do now, I would have told Steve that his feelings of not wanting to go home were his own fault. His response clearly placed the blame on his wife and children. However, only Steve is responsible for Steve’s feelings. Well, only Michael is responsible for Michael’s feelings.

Ignoring my feelings by staying away from home is not an option. Absence,

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silence, or even a refusal to discuss difficult issues will only allow my feelings to fester into much deeper marital issues.

Poor Timing

It all started over a week ago when I chose the heat of an argumentative moment to unload my feelings on Jennifer. My feeling were real and valid, but I chose the absolute worst time to share them. In that moment it was almost impossible for Jennifer to receive my comments any other way than an attack on her.

That conversation led to a period for us that I call “suffering in silence.” The anger and frustration led us both to avoid the other. Our attitude was above all else, don’t speak to my spouse today. We behave as if our silence was some type of punishment on the other. With both of us playing the silent game, you can see how this can go on for days.

Well, it did. This silence went on for about a week. Image that! What positive outcome can possibly come from not talking to your spouse for an entire week? How exactly is this type behavior supposed to build a better relationship? You’d think that after 21 years of marriage that Jennifer and I would know better.

Finding A Safe Place

Finally, I broke the silence with an apology for my very poor choice of timing to share my feeling. We verbally duked it out for several minutes, but finally arrived at a profound realization. We both need to be able to safely share our feelings.

Again, only I am responsible for my feelings. Only Jennifer is responsible for her feelings. If I do nothing with my feelings, they will only fester into much deeper issues. Anger will soon spring up among my pent up feelings. I am responsible to address and resolve my feelings before they establish the foundation for anger.

That said, a marriage relationship must have a safe way to share feelings. In our case, I honestly did not want to attack Jennifer. I know and am very appreciative for all the amazing work she does within our family. However, I need to let her know that I felt as though I was getting crowded out of her life.

Going forward, I will try hard to avoid such poor timing as the heat of an argument to share my feelings. But I do know how to start such a conversation. You see, Jennifer and I have now established a safe way to share our feelings. The conversation will start something like this; “I know this isn’t your intentions, but I feel like…”

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We now both know that when the other starts a conversation with this key phrase, that our role is to listen and provide a safe environment for the other to share their feelings. A safe environment means that defenses will be kept down, words will not be taken as attacks, and commitment to action will be required.

Safe Place Leads To Happy Place

In your marriage, you must provide a mechanism to share your feelings. As I said, only you are responsible for your feelings. You must address your feelings in order to prevent further troubles. I encourage you to do exactly what Jennifer and I did. Establish a mechanism by which you both can safely share your feelings.

CHAPTER TWELVE

4 Steps I Would Take To Save My Marriage

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The short answer is “do whatever it takes”

It has happened to me a few too many times lately. Over the past couple weeks, I’ve encountered friends that I haven’t seen in some time. During our catching up conversation, I’ve opened my mouth to insert my foot. You’d think my question is rather harmless. “Is <insert spouses name here> with you?” Unfortunately, this simple question has led to some very awkward moments. In those moments, my old friend is forced to put on a strong face and explain that their marriage has recently separated.

Now, obviously I wasn’t aware of the marriage separations, so it was an honest mistake on my part. However, I find myself instantly heartbroken over the pain that my friends must be feeling. Heartbroken so much so that I struggle to find words to continue our conversation. Shortly after the tide of sorrow rushes over me, fear begins to set in. Fear of the same revelation made by John Bradford when he said “there, but by the grace of God go I.”Having described my own sorrow and fear, I don’t want to make this article about me. I want this article to speak to and encourage those currently involved in the stressful situations that could end your marriage. In order to offer that encouragement, the best I have to offer are comments related to what I would do if I were in your shoes. Don’t take that statement to suggest that our marriage is perfect. In fact, I’ve thought about divorce before (and I know my wife has), but by the grace of God we haven’t taken it much further than a thought. God willing, I’ll share more about these thoughts in next week’s article.Faced with the recent conversations related to divorce, I asked myself the question; “what would I do?” Let me share my answer with you here in hopes

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that it will challenge, encourage, and equip you to turn your marriage around.PraySeems obvious, right? Well, in my own life and marriage, reflection proves that times our marriage has struggled the most followed times of draught in my prayer life. Droughts in prayer focused on our marriage and focused on my sacrificial love for my wife. Devote yourself to a tremendous amount of prayer. Let the grass grow knee high. Let the laundry pile up. All of that stuff can wait. You spend every possible moment in this critical time of your marriage on your knees. In your prayers, focus on your love for your spouse. This is not the right time for you to ask God to change your spouse. Your marriage is in crisis mode, don’t place the hope of your marriage on your spouse’s response to your prayers. Your request of Christ should be that He will give you what is needed to love your spouse with the same sacrificial love with which He loves you and your spouse. Commit to Christ in your prayer that you will take immediate action on whatever He commands.Examine YourselfIt is natural and easy for us to identify the faults of another in our conflicts. This is not the right time to allow your self-righteousness to continue to lead your marriage astray. Humble yourself before the Lord and examine your own faults. Much like the recommendation regarding prayer, don’t allow your mind to focus on changes your spouse needs to make.Self-examination in the form of prayer, Bible reading & study, and Christian consultation can open your eyes to your part in the conflict. A marriage conflict is always two sided. Fault is often equally shared. Through self-examination and changes made in light of this examination, you can move the needle greatly in your marriage.Never Speak NegativelyAll too often a separation or full divorce is made worse by negative comments. In conversational situations much like I described in my opening, a spouse can allow the wound of separation to fester and widen with the infection of negative comments. Negative comments feed your own mind with the fuel necessary to endure the pain of separation. At this moment in your marriage, you need to starve any motivation or will that drives you to continue the separation.Negative comments not only widen existing wounds in your relationship, they can also create new wounds. The surgical industry has proven that surgical wounds can bring healing, but this is only true because of the care provided by the surgeon to close and medicate the surgical wound. Restrict any and all comments that could result in new wounds to your spouse to the close care of a Christian marriage counselor in order that this wound can be professionally closed and cared for. Negative comments to your friends about your spouse will only result in deep wounds that could result in your marriage bleeding out.Do Whatever It TakesFinally, resolve to do whatever it takes to restore the marriage. This is where the rubber meets the road. What would you do if you knew that quitting your job

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would save your marriage? What would you do if you knew turning your back on some old friends would restore your marriage? What would you do if you knew spending several hours each week with a marriage counselor would restore your marriage? What would you do if you knew that selling the golf clubs or fishing boat would save your marriage?Again, your marriage is in crisis. Your answer to any biblical and lawful request is “yes”, no matter what the sacrifice.

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

About The Author

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For I am persuaded that not even death or life, angels or rulers, things present or things to come, hostile powers, height or depth, or any other created thing will have the power to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord! (Romans 8:38-39)

My platform is grounded in what I consider the most profound verses found in the Bible.

“The light that shines the farthest shines the brightest at home.” – C.T. Studd

I am a follower of Jesus Christ that strives daily to properly fulfill my role as spiritual leader of my family. I utilize my 21+ years of marriage experience, my 14+ years as a father, my Masters Degree in Christian Leadership, and my professional leadership career to persuade men to shine brightest at home. I help men of all ages to fulfill their God given responsibilities as husbands and fathers through blogging, writing, public speaking/preaching, coaching/mentoring, and podcasting.

God’s plan for the family includes the vital role of spiritual leader, and He gave responsibility for this role to men. I am persuaded that all the negative statistics regarding families and marriages can be reversed if we men will intentionally strive to fulfill our role as spiritual leader of the family.

Personal Mission Statement

To steward well every single resource granted to me by Christ to intentionally and positively impact the family He has entrusted to me, the friends He has brought into my life, the church that accepts a sinner like me, the workplace into which He sends me, and the community within which He lets me dwell. 

Through personal life experiences, I have a keen awareness of the impact a father and husband has on the family. I understand equally the pain of rejection when dad abandons the family and the joy of security when dad is devoted to his relationship with Christ and his family. I refuse to allow my life experiences with an abusive, alcoholic, biological father, a godly step-father, and opening my own heart to adoption be squandered on me alone – I will share them with anyone that will listen or read.

If you feel like I can positively impact you, your church, or your team/organization through speaking events, coaching/mentoring, or preaching, please contact me via e-mail (michael@michaeltanner.org).

I hope you enjoyed this read and find that every article I share to be laced with a persuasion that absolutely nothing that life throws our way can separate us from the love of God THAT IS IN CHRIST JESUS OUR LORD.

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-Michael Tanner

Biography

I am currently serving as the Vice President of Research & Development for a leading provider of building automation systems which focuses on collaboration between hardware and software to create a distinct market differentiation. My career started with software development following my completion of a Bachelor of Science degree in Computer Science. While working my way through my career aspirations, I earned a Master of Arts degree in Christian Leadership.

Prior to my academic and professional careers, I spent four years in the United States Marine Corps.

I have been married to my wife, Jennifer, for twenty years. We have three very active children that enjoy activities such as church missions events, tennis, basketball, and their friends.

I’d love to share my hobbies with you, but integrity forces me to let you know that I’m most likely to be tagging along with my family during my “free time”.

Contact Information

You can contact me via e-mail at michael@michaeltanner.org.