The Snowmen

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The Snowman

Lia BugnarTheatre

Editors: Rzvan Penescu [email protected] Anca erban [email protected]

Editor for the.pdf Acrobat Reader & cover layout: Anca [email protected]

Illustrations: 2003 Felicia Sanda Bugnar and Green HoursProofreading: Alexandra Tudor

Text and translation: 2003 Felicia Sanda Bugnar

All rights reserved to the author.

2003 LiterNet Publishing House for.pdfAcrobat Reader version

This book can be freely downloaded for personal use in this layout version. The free distribution of

this book by other site, the alteration or the commercialization of this version without the written

agreement of LiterNet Publishing House is prohibited and will be punished in agreement with the

stipulations of the copyright laws.

ISBN : 973-8475-12-0

LiterNet Publishing House

http://editura.liternet.ro

[email protected]
mailto:[email protected]://editura.liternet.ro/mailto:[email protected]:[email protected]:[email protected]


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The Snowman by Lia Bugnar

First staging at Luni Theatre - Green Hours

Director: Alexandru Dabija

Costumes and stage designer: Drago Buhagiar

Casting: Dorina Chiriac and Daniel Popa

Motto: "When all you have is a hammer everything seems a nail. "

Characters: The Woman

The Man


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Story about myself written with a green pencil on a paper torn from an old agenda

By Lia Bugnar

It is more difficult to write about yourself than to write a play or a screenplay. There are so

many ways to do it that you don't know which one to chose. Should I write exactly what's in my

head at the age of 34 or should I rather write how I would like to be at 34 (in the end someone's

dreams are important... I mean you can make an opinion about someone just by paying attention

to his dreams... or at least I could)? Or should I write some unimportant but witty and funny stuff?

It's complicated, I'm telling you...

I could use phrases I have already used in speaking about myself, and which have been verified.

For example: "I write too well to cast an actress like Lia Bugnar in my plays and I'm an actress to

good to be in Lia Bugnar's plays". Now, writing it down on paper it doesn't seem such a phrase

(although it is true)...

Let's try a different way. Methodically and honestly. Who am I ?

1) a girl from Bucharest, blonde, with long legs (false! I am a 34 years old woman who thinks

she is still a kid)

2) an actress who plays at Bucharest theatres (parts of blonde with long legs, where diction

counts for less than walking, for example)3) a person who can write funny texts for plays and movies

- These were the unimportant details about myself. These are the important ones: I am the

happiest person I know

- I have a gorgeous man (stage designer)

-I have friends that make my life beautiful


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- I laugh every day

- I practice sport (almost) every day

-

I don't like to wake people up with a phone call- I have a great garden and during summer I sunbathe in it

- I have a smart half-human dog

- I have a mother who laughs

- I write very easily, it's sufficient to invent the first line, the rest comes by itself

- I like to drive my car

-Bread is my favorite food I don't have a TV and I don't go out often that's why I found out

about the war when it was over

- I don't like to read plays

- But I like to read

- I trust people

- I don't have a computer and I don't know how to use one

- My husband says we will buy one

- I would rather have him fix my car (a little yellow Volkswagen)

- I write by hand

- If we bought a computer I would still write by hand

- I would like to have a baby even though I think it is awful to feed him every day

CONCLUSION: I have a little more than I deserve to have, but I pray to God to overlook it.

*****


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A man, neatly but relatively modestly dressed, walks down the street, trying to look calm. When he

inhales, he makes a loud noise, it is obvious that he can smell something that frightens him. He

keeps turning suddenly to his left and to his right, trying to see if somebody is following him.Eventually he loses it and starts to run, climbing on a platform. From his pathetic movements, we

realize two things: he is no athlete (1), and he is scared out of his mind (2). Once he reaches the

top of the platform, he looks around to see if he has made a good choice, then he sniffs the air in

all directions for a while. He sits down on the ground with his knees at his mouth.

WOMAN:

You feel it too, right? It stinks, doesntit...

The man gets even more frightened and

discovers that a woman is lying on the

platform, keeping a handkerchief to her nose.

WOMAN: Im sorry I scared you, I didnt

mean to.

MAN: You didnt scare me.

WOMAN: It stinks, doesnt it?

MAN: Awful. I dont understand hownobody feels it. Am I going crazy

or what?

WOMAN: I thought I was crazy, too. The

other people are so calm. They

dont seem to feel it.


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MAN: Yes! Yes! Thats what drove me crazy too. (sniffs the air). Its strange that you cant feel

it here... The stink... You cant feel it here.

The woman takes the handkerchief off her nose cautiously moving her nose slightly.

WOMAN: Right. Its not stinking here... No! Its good up here! Oh, God! Its so good up here!

MAN: Yes, its pretty good. Well stay here until its gone.

WOMAN: Yeah, well stay... It has to go eventually. (beat) It cant just stay. (beat)Listen, I just...

cant imagine... what kind of smell was that?

MAN: It was not a smell, it was a stink.

WOMAN: Right, that was not a smell.

MAN: It was a stink consisting on several scents.

WOMAN: Yeah, right. Several. (beat) Several small scents and...

BOTH: ...a huge one!

(silence)

MAN: I know it might sound... strange, but... where did you feel the huge one?

WOMAN: Thats exactly what I wanted to ask, but I didnt know how...


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MAN: Wasnt it...

WOMAN: ...in my ears! The huge one. And the smaller ones in my knees and in my palms.

MAN: Exactly. Im not insane! If I were in this alone, I wouldve thought I am insane, but as

long as you feel it too... it takes at least two not to be insane. Of course, it wouldve

been better if there where more of us, but... its not bad as it is either.

WOMAN: No! Its good! I mean... its not good... but its good to have someone to share...

MAN: The stink thats what you mean. Its too much for a person. (beat) I think I feel a breeze

here. You might catch a cold. Allow me... (He stands on his knees, takes off his coat and

lays it down so they both could sit on it lying on their stomach).

WOMAN: No, keep it on! Now what? Now youre going to catch a cold!

MAN: No, I wont. Men dont catch colds like... you do.

WOMAN: Thank you! God, its good!

MAN: My wife says she doesnt need a heater cause she has me. Shes always cold. You

should hear her teeth chattering sometimes.

WOMAN: She must have a bad circulation.

MAN: Yes. (suddenly)Oh, my God!

WOMAN: What?


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MAN: Shes waiting for me! I completely forgot about it.

WOMAN: (panicking)Youre leaving?

MAN: Ihave to. Shell get mad. And she is not so easy to calm down. I have to go.

WOMAN: Im sorry.

MAN: Me too, but... I have to... God! I completely forgot!

WOMAN: What if itsstill stinking?


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MAN: I really think its... gone. It couldnt... Everybody seems fine, except for us... we feel a

stink. Its weird!

WOMAN: Yeah, right! I have to get somewhere too. I must be late already. You have a watch?

MAN: No. I left it on when I took a shower and it was not...

WOMAN: Waterproof. I dont have the guts to leave now. Ill stay for a while. And after that... I

hope that... Anyway, goodbye!

MAN: I have to go. Please, understand... if she gets mad... she... I know I..... shouldnt leave

you like this... but...

WOMAN: Cmon! I was alone when I got here and nothing bad happened. Go... shellget mad!

MAN: Ill do that. I hope youll be O.K.

WOMAN: Dont worry, Im O.K. Good bye!

MAN: (he shakes her hand) Well, then...

WOMAN: Go! (laughing) Im fine! Really, go!

MAN: (looks at her) Thats what Im doing!

WOMAN: (slightly embarrassed) Shell get angry. Dont worry! Im fine.

MAN: I just... my coat...


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WOMAN: (jumps from the coat) God! Im so dumb! (hands him over the coat) Forgive me.

MAN: You should forgive me for leaving you alone in the cold. But shell...and... if shell see

me without my coat...

WOMAN: I know...

MAN: What do you know?

WOMAN: I just... know. Good bye!

MAN: Good bye!

(He looks at her for a moment, then starts to climb down as awkwardly as he. climbed up. When his

feet touch the ground, keeping his hands on the platform, he stops and sniffs the air in panic,

then, with desperate and chaotic movements he tries to go back on the platform. Hes so agitated

he cant climb back. The woman comes to his rescue, grabbing him and pulling him up. The man

and the woman are lying on their stomach panting)

MAN: It stinks so bad that my eardrums got smashed...

WOMAN: Oh! How are your knees and your palms?

MAN: Like thousands of needles pinching. I could barely climb back.

WOMAN: What will you do? About your wife, I mean...


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MAN: I have no idea. She must be there already. Shes usually late, but... Maybe if I stand up,

Ill be able to see her... We were supposed to meet at the end of the street.

WOMAN: Then you should be able to see her from here... You can even call her...

MAN: Yes, I think so too... (beat) I wonder... whats the air like... up there... I mean... when you

stand up... will it stink?

WOMAN: What? You expect me to check?

MAN: No, I couldnt ask you that. Ill check.

WOMAN: Ill check. Dont be such a baby, lay back! You look like youre dying.Ill check.

MAN: O.K. Just take care!

WOMAN: I will.

(The woman stands up cautiously. She stands for a few seconds looking down the street, then she

puts her hands to her ears. She comes down as if she was going to faint.)

MAN: Madam! Miss! Talk to me! Say something! Please! (He wrings his hands not sure if he

should touch her or not) Please! Come back!

(He feels her forehead, then her cheeks. No reaction from her. He puts his ear to her mouth to see

if shes breathing)

MAN: God! Madam, wake up!


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(He desperately massages her ears, her hands and her knees. Eventually, she opens her eyes. Shes

lying on her back and hes on top of her. The man draws away quickly and lies on his back).

MAN: God! You scared me!

WOMAN: My knees turned to butter.

MAN: Its my fault.

WOMAN: Good news! I dont think shes come yet. There was only a woman with a dog or a cat, I

couldnt see clearly.


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MAN: Was she wearing a long fur coat?

WOMAN: Yes. But she was walking the dog or the cat. She didnt seem to wait for someone...

MAN: Its her. Her and the dog.

WOMAN: So you have a dog...

MAN: No, we dont. I mean, we do, but not for long.

WOMAN: (serious) Is it sick?

MAN: No! Its quite healthy, poor thing... Did she seem nervous?

WOMAN: Not really. She seemed to walk the dog. She was walking back and forth...

MAN: Shes nervous! When she walks back and forth, shes nervous... Shell think I did it on

purpose, that I didnt wanna be there when we lose Dog.

WOMAN: Lose dog?

MAN: Yeah. The dogs name is Dog. Edith forbids me to keep him so I thought that if hes notgoing to be mine I shouldnt give him a name he would have to forget. He would have

been confused. So I called him Dog. DOG is a word he should know, isnt it?

WOMAN: Yeah. The word dog its important for a dog. As it is the word human for us humans.

Have you had him for long?


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MAN: Yeah. For a while. I cant tell you tell you exactly for how long cause I left my watch on

when I took a shower and it was not...

WOMAN: Waterproof...

MAN: Yeah... But I think Ive had it for nine hours.

WOMAN: Oh, since yesterday?

MAN: Yeah, since last night to be precise. The guys... my colleagues from work....gave it to

me as a gift. Yesterday it was my birthday.

WOMAN: Happy birthday!

MAN: Oh, thank you. They knew how much I wanted a dog. I know everythingabout dogs. The

guys knew how I wanted a Saint-Bernard... Do you know how beautiful a Saint-Bernard

is?

WOMAN: Isnt it the one with a barrel around the neck?

MAN: Yes! Exactly! And with those big saintlike eyes...

WOMAN: And this one? What breed is he?

MAN: Who?

WOMAN: The puppy. Dog.


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MAN: Oh, Dog! Dog is Chihuahua. Its very tiny. The size of a squirrel. Still , its not small

enough... You know, my wife cant stand even the tiniest dog.(laughing) Even if it were

the size of a thimble, shed still drive him away. She just cant stand dogs.

WOMAN: I see. But look! Shes walking Dog anyway.

MAN: Shes not walking him. I called up all the people I knew trying to find a home for him

but... (beat) I was supposed to meet my wife and Dog and... losehim and... poor Dog!

(his voice is trembling)


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WOMAN: (beat) Hell find a master!

MAN: You think so?

WOMAN: Hell find a master! Im telling you!

MAN: I couldnt find a master for him. How could he find one by himself? On his own?

WOMAN: Whynot? Lets say theres someone passing by. Someone... A mother! A young mother is

passing by. Having a big house, big soul. Shes just taking her child out fora walk. The

child... when hell see such a small and chee... Is Dog cheerful?

MAN: Yeah, pretty cheerful, poor Dog...

WOMAN: Thats good! When the child sees such a small and cheerful dog, hell go like:Mummy

mummy... look! Dog! Dog! And Dog, because you named him Dog, hell think the child

called him and hell go to the child wagging... Does Dog have a tale?

MAN: Yeah, a little one, poor Dog.

WOMAN: Oh, hell go to the kid wagging his little tale... tic, tic, tic... Mummy wants no dog. Shell

say, you know what shell say? Shell say... Pumpkin... weve had this conversation

before around the dog subject and we all agreed that youll be receiving a dog when

youll grow older. And you know what will happen Every time the mother pronounces

the word dog Dog will think shes calling him, and hell start... does Dog roll over?

MAN: I wouldnt know...


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WOMAN: ...nervous.

MAN: I said walking back and forth...

WOMAN: Oh... furious! And Dog?

MAN: He was peeing.

WOMAN: I see.

(silence)

MAN: Its so weird!

WOMAN: What?

MAN: Allthis thing with the stink and... Dog and... (he starts to cry) Im sorry, I cant help it...

If you would be so kind to look the other way, maybe I could pull myself together.

WOMAN: Are you ashamed? Dont be ashamed! I understand you perfectly. How long. has it been

since you last cried?

MAN: A lot. I was 12. My fish died.

WOMAN: See? Thats it. We have to cry from time to time... or else...

MAN: What?


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WOMAN: Want to know what I think? Cause I thought about it. I cry a lot and I thought about it.

This is a kind of reaction of defence against freezing.

MAN: Freezing?

WOMAN: Yeah. Our soul freezes. There are things happening to us that freeze our soul. And then

our heart relieves a great heat that melts the ice off the soul. And tears are nothing else

but another state of the things that freeze our soul. So, its good when you cry... Cause

the ice melts and poof! youre free.

(Silence. He is looking at her.)


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MAN: You do have a certain... heat. Like youve cried recently.

WOMAN: Yeah. I cried this morning.

MAN: Do you cry every morning?

WOMAN: No! I only cry when I feel like. When I have a reason.

(Silence)

MAN: Why did you cry this morning?

WOMAN: Fear.

MAN: Fear? Why?

WOMAN: I was supposed to have silicon implants today.

(Man looks at her up and down than looks quickly the other way)

MAN: So youre afraid of surgery...

WOMAN: No, Im very brave when it comes to doctors.

MAN: You said you cried because you were afraid...

WOMAN: Afraid of loosing someone.


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MAN: Oh, I see. A man. Forgive me for prying. Do you think it still stinks?

WOMAN: Its O.K. that you asked. I lost my appointment anyway. Id been waiting for months. But

I dont care anymore.

MAN: Strange! You dont seem the kind of woman who needs... this kind of surgery...

WOMAN: Well, Im not! But I wasnt doing it for me. I would have done it for him.

MAN: Im afraid I dont understand...

WOMAN: Who does? But thats how he wants me to be.

MAN: And you? What do you want?

WOMAN: I love him.

MAN: Why did you cry then?

WOMAN: Because I was thinking I would come home with two number 4 breasts...

MAN: Each of them?

WOMAN: Yes. That I would come home with my hooters and when I would walk the door in, two

minutes long after my impressive breasts did, I would see a. man who doesnt love me.

And never did.

MAN: Why do it, then?


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WOMAN: To get it over with.

MAN: And to carry two number 4 breasts for all your life? Thats how much youlove him?

WOMAN: If I made them number 4, I would have hated him enough to leave him. With 2 or 3, I

might have forgiven him. And, besides, hitting a man in the. head with a pair of number

4s must be really painful. It could be fatal.

MAN: You couldve use the pan instead...

WOMAN: Well, it wasnt meant to be anyway.


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(silence)

WOMAN: Well... it would be the same anyway. Hell probably make such a long face when Ill enter

the door still flat-chested, that Ill leave him anyway.

MAN: I want to see them.

WOMAN: Who? Edith and Dog?

MAN: No. Your breasts.

WOMAN: I must remind you that your wife is at the end of the street waiting for you to lose Dog

together.

MAN: I want to see them.

(Silence. The woman looks in his eyes.)

WOMAN: O.K.

(She turns so that shes lying on her back now. She takes the end of her dress and gathering the

whole dress in her palms shes discovering herbreasts. From the audience, all that can be seen its

her fingers spread while shes keeping her dress. And of course, her, lying on her back with the

head to the audience He looks for a minute and neither of them says a word. She pulls her dress

down. They both lie down on their stomach keeping quiet).

MAN: I have an apple. You wanna share it?


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WOMAN: Yes.

MAN: Oh, but maybe you should eat it alone. We cant know how long will be

staying here and you might get thirsty...

WOMAN: Im not eating alone.

(Man splits the apple in two and hands her over one half of it. Both start to eat. Silence for a while.)

MAN: Do you eat the seeds as well?

WOMAN: No. I keep them in my pocket until I forget about them. And then I like to find them and

eat them.

MAN: I also like to forget goodies in my pockets and to find them after.

(He gets up on his knees and fumbles through his coat pocket).

MAN: What a pity! I must have eaten it, although... . Wait a minute... .

(He leans and fumbles through the other pocket, the one on her side)

MAN: Here it is! I knew I didnt eat it. Want some?

WOMAN: Whats that?


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MAN: Half a nut.

WOMAN: Oh, its good!

(She bites half of it, and gives him the other half. They both eat in silence).

MAN: You know, I was thinking... . If we had supplies... .

WOMAN: Yes...


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MAN: It would be difficult when it rained...

WOMAN: Why? I like it when it rains. And besides, we have the coat...

MAN: What about winter?

WOMAN: Winter is beautiful. The snow smells good.

MAN: Yes, it smells best in winter.

WOMAN: We could also make a little snowman...

MAN: To be three of us...

WOMAN: We have apple, nuts... we drink snow...

MAN: (starts to sing in a low voice)

Once upon a time

There was a nice girl I dont know her school...

I dont know her school...

And the girl had

A book with many pictures

Whitish, green and pinkish,

Whitish, green and pinkish.


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And then there was

There was this cold snowman

I dont know his corner,

I dont know his corner.

(the man and the woman stand up and start to swing, embraced, in a slow dance)

And the nice girl

Called the snowman in Just to show him pictures

Whitish, green and pinkish.

The snowman said:

If you really want to,

Come on out and show me,

Come on out and show me!

And the girl said:

I cant cause Im coughing

And my nose is running,

And my nose is running.

And the snowmanQuickly got inside

Though he knew for sure

Hell come out no more.


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So I must say

For this man of mine

I would give my coat

Though it costs a dime.

THE END
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