1

THE MAJESTICFOOL

2

80 minute animated cartoonfeatureRichard Williams AnimationProductions, 13 Soho SquareLondon W. 1 England

September 1969

Editor’s note:Versions of this scriptwere also known as The AmazingNasruddin, Nasruddin! and TheGolden City before the storylinewas changed and Nasrudinremoved as a character. Later aftermany many changes the film wascalled The Thief Who Never GaveUp and The Cobbler and theThief, but is of course best knownas The Thief and the Cobbler.

PRE-PRE-PRE-PRE-PRE-TITLETITLETITLETITLETITLE(Sequence 1)(Sequence 1)(Sequence 1)(Sequence 1)(Sequence 1)

Introduction of charactersFade in.White screen, with a tiny black dotin the distance. We hear the soundof footsteps approaching and a tall,bearded figure in a patched many-coloured robe walks to the front ofthe screen and stops. He opens hisrobe, revealing black inside, so thatthe opening of his robe gives theeffect of curtains opening on anenormous black screen. There is atremendous orchestral chord as hedoes this,lettering appears, SO AND SOetc... etc... PRESENTS..We see the following titles ofanimated characters, appearing asthey are introduced in the style of1940' s Maria Montez-John Halltype of film.We see the characters, vignetted.

THE MAJESTICTHE MAJESTICTHE MAJESTICTHE MAJESTICTHE MAJESTICFOOLFOOLFOOLFOOLFOOLWorking Draft Script

3

THE EMPEROR OF PERSIAANWAR, THE GRANDVIZIER OF PERSIA AND HISVULTURETHE SYCOPHANTSTHE THIEFPRINCESS NURA AND THEBEASTTHE EXPERTSKERIMA, WIFE OF MULLANASRUDIN

Guest Artists,THE WOLVESZAPPO THE GREATGENERAL IRONPANTSNASTURTIUM, THE POETRAMBLING ACHMETCHIEF BOOZDILCHIEF BOOZDIL AND THEFORTY BRIGANDS (40 Brigandspop on in forty little halos)THE MAD-HOLY-OLD-INDIAN-WITCH OF BENARESTHE GREAT MOGUL,EMPEROR OF INDIAPARATA, THE GRAND VIZIEROF INDIA

And co-starring,THUNDERBOLT, THEDONKEYAND A SUPPORTING CASTOF LITERALLY HUNDREDSOF THOUSANDS,The screen fills and refills withshots of eunuchs, camels elephants,monkeys, dancing girls, tigers,crowds, jugglers, weight-lifters,court scenes, etc... etc...

AND STARRING THEINIMITABLETHE INIMITABLE MULLANASRUDINTHE INIMITABLE MULLANASRUDIN HIMSELFHe goes into various John Hallfilm star posesAS THE MAJESTIC FOOL

4

CREDITCREDITCREDITCREDITCREDITTITLESTITLESTITLESTITLESTITLES(Sequence 2)(Sequence 2)(Sequence 2)(Sequence 2)(Sequence 2)Normal credit titlescontinue on black screen,possibly with a small star-like carpet design whichdevelops throughout thecredits.

FEATURING THEVOICES OF:KENNETHWILLIAMSJOSS ACKLANDPAUL WHITSUN-JONESDIANA QUICKJOAN SIMSEDDIE BYRNEMUSIC:RONGOODWINStudio and Artistscredits.

BAZAARBAZAARBAZAARBAZAARBAZAAR(THE SHOP)(THE SHOP)(THE SHOP)(THE SHOP)(THE SHOP)(Sequence 3)(Sequence 3)(Sequence 3)(Sequence 3)(Sequence 3)The octagonal carpet designanimates forward, unfoldingitself, revealing a Persianminiature bazaar.

Many tiny figures are walkingaround in highly stylizedPersian miniatureconvention. Upside down,vertical, some figuresbigger than the others,etc...

Nasrudin appears on hisdonkey, THUNDERBOLT,and they enter into themarket-place. Nasrudin issitting the wrong wayround on the donkey.Market hubbub - Old, oldlady, carrying a bunch ofbananas with greatdifficulty,

OLD LADY:

G.. gg..ood m-morn-ing nnas ... ru deen

NASRUDIN:

Good Morning,Grand-Mother.Poor student, clutchingtattered pen, paper andink,

TAALIB:

Isn’t it a goodmorning, nasrudin?

NASRUDIN:

dismounting,

Indeed it is, taalib.Cut to huge dim-wittedBANANA SELLER.

MEHMET:

uh ... good morning,nasrudin:Camera pulls out to showthe idiotic Mortimer Snerd-like Banana Eater, peeling abanana and looking atNasrudin.

NASRUDIN:

Good Morning,Mehmet.(To Various People)

Morning... Morning... Nice Day!He ties up his donkey andgoes into a shop, Cut tothe interior of the shop,The Merchant rubs hishands as Nasrudin enters.

NASRUDIN:

closing door,

Did you see me comeinto your shop?

MERCHANT:

Yes .

NASRUDIN:

Have you ever seenme before?

MERCHANT:

No.

NASRUDIN:

leaning on his counter,

Then, how do youknow it is me ?He exits.dazed

MERCHANT:

Oay?

5

ANWANWANWANWANWARARARARAR, THE, THE, THE, THE, THEGRANDGRANDGRANDGRANDGRANDVIZIERVIZIERVIZIERVIZIERVIZIER(Sequence 4)(Sequence 4)(Sequence 4)(Sequence 4)(Sequence 4)Cut to Nasrudin outsideshop amidst normal marketpeople. We hear in thedistance the Town Crierscreaming. All heads turn.

TOWN CRIER:

rushing up through thecrowd towards camera,

Make Way! MakeWay! Make Way ForThe Grand Vizier!Make Way For Anwar,The Grand Vizier! OPeople! Stand Back!The Grand Vizier IsComing !Anwar The GrandVizier Of Persia IsComing !Stand Back! MakeWay!

He is followed by twodiscordant trumpeters.They are followed by fourcrow-like men, dressed inblack, with whips. They arelashing the populace,driving women, children,old men and dogs back tomake way for the GrandVizier. They are followed bytwo stone-pickers, dressedin black, picking up anystones in the path. Theyare followed by two crow-

like sweepers with brooms,sweeping the route clear.They are followed by threeapprentice Sycophants,effeminate and lavishlydressed, They carry rose-water holders, which theysprinkle on the ground.They are followed by threemore apprenticeSycophants, equallyeffeminate, with baskets fullof rose petals, which theythrow into the air. They arefollowed by the mainSycophants, six Or sevenof them, who sing theSycophants’ Chorus, Thisis done like a Gregorianchant.

SYCOPHANTS CHORUS:

Anwar The GrandVizier !

1ST SYCOPHANT:

With cold incisivesteel-trap mind ...

2ND SYCOPHANT:

With razor sharpintellect ...

3RD SYCOPHANT:

The master planner ...

SYCOPHANT CHORUS:

Anwar The GrandVizier!

1ST SYCOPHANT:

Loyal and steadfast ...

2ND SYCOPHANT:

Servant of the persianthrone...

3RD SYCOPHANT:

Selfless and devoted...For the rest of the song, wesee various views of Anwarthe Grand Vizier, paradingpast. He is walking on twocarpets. Each carpet isattended by four blackrobed crow-like men. AsAnwar goes to put his footon the earth, one set ofcrow-like men has to get thecarpet down and unroll it asAnwar’s foot touches it.Anwar, then, proceeds onthis unrolled carpet while theother four crow-like menhave to roll up theirpreviously unrolled carpet,pick it up and run round tothe front to get it down justas Anwar’s foot is ready totouch the ground.

In other words, it is a rotorcarpet attended by twosets of four crow-like men,constantly roIling andunrolling as Anwar makeshis way through themarketplace. There are fourblack Ethiopean slaves instandard harem dressfanning Anwar with ostrichplumes.

The song continues,

SYCOPHANT CHORUS:

Anwar The GrandVizier!

1ST SYCOPHANT:

Pillar of the state...

6

2ND SYCOPHANT:

Upholder ofrighteousness...

3RD SYCOPHANT:

Cold, calm andcollected...

SYCOPHANTS CHORUS:

Anwar The GrandVizier !

1ST SYCOPHANT:

Sophisticated...

2ND SYCOPHANT:

Of icy penetration ...

3RD SYCOPHANT:

Unemotional to theend ...Cut to the Banana Eater, atthe edge of the crowd. Heeats a banana and,thoughtlessly, throws theskin into the air.

Cut to Anwar’s foot aboutto go down on the earth,as, for the first time, thecrow-like men are late withthe carpet. The bananaskin lands exactly whereAnwar’s foot touches and -zip - he shoots off at rightangles to the carpet intothe assembled populace.

LONG CHORUS:

as Anwar slides across thecourtyard

ANWAR THEGRAND VIZIER !We pan through the headsof the assembledpopulace, as Anwar’s

jewelled hands flail in the air.Anwar bursts out of thecrowd, still skating on thebanana skin. The bananaskin is under his black robeand he gains control overit, slowly but surely, and hecomes to a stop in front ofNasrudin - nose to nose.Cut to the Sycophants,one of whom has a gong -he hits it

GONGGGGGGGGG:

Cut to Nasrudin and theGrand Vizier, nose to nose,vibrating in instant dislike.The Grand Vizier, then,turns, pushes the bananatowards Nasrudin, turns hisback on him, takes onestep and the carpet slidesunder his foot. The songcontinues and the crow-likemen with the rotor carpetmarch him away.

THIEF FIGHTTHIEF FIGHTTHIEF FIGHTTHIEF FIGHTTHIEF FIGHT(Sequence 5)(Sequence 5)(Sequence 5)(Sequence 5)(Sequence 5)Cut to Nasrudin in mid-shot, watching Anwar andhis paraphernalia going off,In Nasrudin’s pocket aresome green beads hangingout slightly. Two handscome in and slide thebeads out of Nasrudin’spocket, as Nasrudin turnsand sees.

Cut to the Thief, whosnatches the beads awayand goes to run, Nasrudingrabs his other hand. Theyget entangled together asthe Thief always managesto keep the beads just outof Nasrudin’s grasp. Theyroll over and over in thedust backwards andforward, crashing into afruitstand, rolling backacross the market-place,as people gather round.

A cloud of dust builds upand as it clears we see thatNasrudin has got thebeads back and has theThief down on the ground.Nasrudin puts the beadsback in his own pocketand - pow: an umbrella hitsNasrudin on the head.

SCHOOLMISTRESS:

Bully: horrid bully: letthat little man get upand give him a chance!

7

She jabs Nasrudin in theribs with her umbrella andthe Thief slides out fromunderneath and hidesbehind her back, makingfaces at Nasrudin. All thetownspeople join in.

TOWNSPEOPLE:

Bully! Horrid bully!wouldn’t give him achance! Pick onsomeone your ownsize!Hitting a man whenhe is down! etc ...The Schoolmistress walksaway, muttering to herself

SCHOOLMISTRESS:

I don’t know what thiscountry is coming to!These sadistic brutesshould be flogged!Mutter ... Mutter ...As she walks away, theThief following behindfleeces her clean.

LLLLLUNCHUNCHUNCHUNCHUNCH(Sequence 6)(Sequence 6)(Sequence 6)(Sequence 6)(Sequence 6)Cut back to Nasrudindusting himself down - Thecrowd ragging him,

TOWNSPEOPLE:

Come on !Bully! Unfair!Brute! Pick onsomeone your ownsize! etc ...

Cut to the Student, Taalib,poking at a Big Man who iscursing Nasrudin,

TAALIB:

But he was a thief!

BIG MAN:

Aw ! ... come on ... hedid not give him achance!Cut to Nasrudin, stilldusting himself down.

OTHER CROWD VOICES:

Nasrudin wouldn’tgive you the time ofday!

NASRUDIN:

Good people, I assureyou that I am ahospitable man...Cut to long shot of circle ofpeople around Nasrudin,

PEOPLE:

Come On! We Know... We Know! Etc ...

NASRUDIN:

I Am ! I Am !Cut to long shot.

TOWNSPEOPLE:

Yes ... Yes ... WeKnow! Blah! Blah!Cut to Big Man, besideTaalib -

BIG MAN:

Prove It !

TOWNSPEOPLE:

Cut to Nasrudin -Townspeople saying,

PROVE IT! PROVEIT !

NASRUDIN:

and to prove it, you areall invited to my housefor lunch:Crowd gasp - NasrudinwaIks out of the circle - Cutto Taalib,

TAALIB:

Good Old Nasrudin!Good Old Nasrudin!(poking the Big Man in theribs)

Cut to Old Lady in crowd

OLD LADY:

A Heart Of Gold!Cut to Old Man and boy

OLD MAN:

Get Old Uncle Hassan!

BOY:

Uncle Hassan! UncleHassan !

8

OTHER IDIOT:

What’s on the menu ?

OTHERS:

Come on, boys ...free lunch!Long shot - Everybodyrunning around, yelling

FREE LUNCH ATNASRUDIN’S !FREE LUNCH ATNASRUDIN’SHOUSE !Cut to a Lady with sixteenchildren,

LADY:

This way! Follow theman in the orangecloak!Long shot of crowd, allfollowing Nasrudin out thetown gate,

Cut to a dog, jumping on agrocer, followed by a boyrunning over the grocer’sstomach.

BOY:

Free Lunch !

GROCER:

(Prostrate)

Free Lunch!

Cut to Fat Lady, carryingtwo huge melons,

FAT LADY:

Free Lunch?

She drops the melons onthe feet of two tiny men,

Cut to a stupid painter,whitewashing a house,

PAINTER:

Free Lunch?

POSH WOMAN:

(appearing in window)

Free Lunch?The Painter, looking at thecrowd, puts his brush inher face and runs down theladder.

Cut to the Old, Old Lady, ina rocking-chair with a caton her lap,

OLD LADY:

fff-ree ... lllun ... ch !?(she zips out of the chair)

ROWR!(the cat flies in the air, hairon end. )

Cut to the Town Crierdirecting a thundering herdof people,

TOWN CRlER:

Oyez! Oyez! FreeLunch At Nasrudin’sHouse!Cut to long shot outsidethe town-gate - Anenormous line of people isfollowing Nasrudin

Cut to the front of the line,

MEHMET:

Dah! It’s really nice ofyou, nasrudin !

TAALIB:

Wa hay! I have nothad a good meal forweeks.

BIG MAN:

He is not such a badlad after all !

VERY FAT MAN:

His wife, Kerima, is anexcellent cook !The Thief has just pickedthe Fat Man’s pocketsclean,

Cut to very long shot of theenormous line oftownspeople approachingNasrudin’s house up on ahilI,

Cut into front of line.

NASRUDlN:

You wait here! Just aminute ... you waithere... I’ll go ahead ...and tell my wife toprepare for you.Cut to long shot andhubbub of the enormouscrowd as Nasrudin runs upthe hill.

Cut to Kerima, bad-tempered, stirring a hugepot on the stove. Nasrudinpokes his. head round thedoor.

NASRUDIN:

Hello, Kerima ... MyTurtle Dove

KERIMA:

Rrg !

9

TOWNSPEOPLE:

puzzled

What! We Saw HimGo In! ... He Went InThe Door ! HePromised Lunch !Nasrudln! Nasrudin!You Promised Lunch !Cut to Nasrudin, hidingbeside the upstairswindow, The crowd startsknocking on the door,

CROWD:

Nasrudin ! Nasrudin!We saw you go in !We saw him go in!Let us in! Open up!Come on! Hepromised lunch!Cut to crowd outside,banging on the door,

He must be inside !

ALL CROWD:

Nasrudin!

BANANA EATER:

All take it up.

He’s inside! He mustbe inside! We saw himgo in! We saw him goin the house !Cut to Kerima, hatchetface, stirring her brew,muttering under her breath.

The crowd getting angrierand banging on the door,

Cut to Nasrudin, hunchedunder the window.

NASRUDIN:

I’ve ... er ... invitedsome priends along forlunch, dear.

KERIMA:

Stupid oaf! There’s notenough food in thehouse! How dare youinvite all those people!

KERIMA:

We hear the crowdapproaching

Turn them away!

NASRUDIN:

shutting door

I can’t do that! Myreputation forhospitality is at stake!

KERlMA:

Oh! All right! Goupstairs and hideyourself! I’ll tell themthat you are out.Nasrudin sneaks out ofpicture and Kerima goes tothe door,

Cut to the outside of thehouse - Kerima framed inthe doorway.

KERIMA:

(Yelling) Nasrudin - Is- Not - At Home!(Slam)The- Mulla - Is - Not-Cut to long shot of amazedtownspeople, by nowhaving almost gotten to thefront door.

Cut to an overhead shot ofthe crowd wilder,thundering on the door,

Cut to Nasrudin, scrunchedup under the window.

Let Us In ! We HaveBeen Here All TheTime! We Saw HimGo In The House! WeHave Been WatchingThe Door! Let Us In !He Must Be Inside !Cut to Nasrudin, who can’tstand it any longer andsticks his face out thewindow.

Cut to outside shot ofcrowd, looking up atNasrudin.

(exasperaled)

I could have gone outby the backdoor,couldn’t I?(he stares at the crowd fora moment and zips in,)

Crowd, amazed andpuzzled.

Cut to the Banana Eater,who says to a huge fatlady,

That’s true - we didn’twatch the backdoor!Some other idiots join in,

Did we? Did we watchthe backdoor?

OTHER PEOPLE:

What! Are You Crazy?Fooey!False Promises! CheapSkate!

10

CACACACACAT ANDT ANDT ANDT ANDT ANDMEAMEAMEAMEAMEATTTTT(Sequence 7)(Sequence 7)(Sequence 7)(Sequence 7)(Sequence 7)Cut to Kerima, still stirringher pot, furious. Crowdnoises die down slightly, asthey start to give up,

Muttering ...

Cut to Nasrudin besidewindow, looking at Kerima,

Cut to Kerima, who looksaround craftily, takes a bigbowl and ladles out a greatquantity of meat balls intoit. She looks around againand eats the whole thing inthree seconds,

Nasrudin tiptoesdownstairs.

NASRUDIN:

Kerlma, dear ... whatis for lunch?She says nothing, scrapesthe bottom of the pan andladles out two and a halfpotatoes on his plate andthree on hers, She gulpshers down.

NASRUDIN:

Potatoes? - whathappened to the threepounds of meat Ibrought you?

KERlMA:

(finishing off anotherpotato)

The cat ... the cat ...the cat ate it! All threepounds of it !Nasrudin puts down hisplate, goes over to theslumbering cat on a chair,picks it up and puts it on aset of hand-held scales, Heputs on three one-poundweights,

NASRUDIN:

This cat weighs threepounds

KERIMA:

So? ... Slobber!Slobber ... So?

NASRUDIN:

If this is the cat, whereis the meat?If, on the other hand,this is the meatwhere is the cat?He puts the cat down onthe chair and, angry now,stamps out to thebackdoor, turns aroundand gives Kerima an angryglance and slams the door.Fade to black.

THIEF ANDTHIEF ANDTHIEF ANDTHIEF ANDTHIEF ANDOLD LADOLD LADOLD LADOLD LADOLD LADYYYYY(Sequence 8)(Sequence 8)(Sequence 8)(Sequence 8)(Sequence 8)Fade in.

Nasrudin walking, at earlyevening, He passes a walland the Thief sticks hishead out and watchesNasrudin’s green beads,which are still hangingslightIy out of his pocket.The Thief runs alongbehind the wall, leaping upand down. There is a crackin the wall and the Thiefleans through to snatch thebeads but falls on his face.Cut back to Nasrudin, stillwalking beside the wall,The Thief bouncing up anddown on the other side ofthe wall until the cleft of atree branch catches himaround the neck.

Cut to Nasrudin passingthe old, old Lady. She iscarrying a bunch ofbananas with enormousdifficuIty - She is so oldthat she can hardly walk,

NASRUDIN:

Good Evening, GrandMother.

OLD LADY:

(with enormous difficulty)

g.gg. goood eee..ve..nnlng....nnnn..asrudin

11

Nasrudin walks by and theOld Lady continues draggingher bunch of bananas withgreat difficulty.

Cut to the Thief, who spiesthe Old Lady’s banana,sand zips towards her. Shecontinues with greatdifficulty, hardly moving asthe Thief tiptoes up behindher and rches for thebananas. He takes themand there is a sound ofsteel being unsheathedand a huge blue hairy armshoots out of the OldLady’s robe seizing theThief in a vice-like grip, Herother arm puts down thebananas, She picks theThief up into the air andcrashes him to the ground,steps over him, picks himup again and beats thedaylight out of him. Shenow moves with absoluteprofessional efficiency. Sheis a karate expert and shebashes him against treeslike a carpet being beaten,jumps up and down onhim, gives him Chineseburns, etc... Then, she tieshim up in knots and thenturns towards us, againwith enormous difficulty,tottering and shaking as,with tremendous effort, shemanages to pick up herbananas and exits, singingquietly to herself the‘Devonshire Poacher’.

The Thief, all knotted up,runs off on his hands intothe distance, Fade toblack.

GARDENGARDENGARDENGARDENGARDEN(Sequence 9)(Sequence 9)(Sequence 9)(Sequence 9)(Sequence 9)Fade in.

Nasrudin outside the wall ofa beautiful garden, toppedby exotic trees and rosebushes, A peacock sits onthe wall,

Fade in classic Easternharmonium music.

NASRUDIN:

What A BeautifulGarden - A SublimeGrove! Ah! Me !Perchance WondrousDelights May BeHidden Within!Nasrudin climbs up thewall.

Cut to view from the otherside of the wall, inside thebeautiful garden. Nasrudin’sturban and eyes appear. Helooks both ways.

Cut to Nasrudin’s eye-viewof the garden. Amidst thelush foliage, at one end ofthe garden, lying on acarpet, is a beautifulPrincess being clutched bya huge, green, monstrousBeast. Camera zooms infor a closer view.

Nasrudin, horrified, Iets outa loud yell,

NASRUDIN:

AHHHAI-IHAHOOEE .... !!Cut to close-up of Beast,clutching at the Princess,but looking surprised.

NASRUDIN:

(pointing and calling out)

Have courage, fairmaiden! Nasrudin willdeliver you from thisloathesome brute!Nasrudin jumps from thetop of the wall to theground and runs towardsthe camera. Two peacocksrush to get out of the wayand Nasrudin crashesheadlong through themand confronts the Beast.

NASRUDIN:

Away Foul Beast!Nasrudin does karate onthe Beast forcing him todrop the Princess, Hepunches, pounds andkicks the Beast, driving himaway from the Princess,The Beast moans in painas Nasrudin drives him intothe distance and gives hima final kick and the Beastmns away moaning andslobbering. bows,

Nasrudin runs back up tothe Princess and

NASRUDIN:

Fair maiden, have nofear! I, Nasrudin, haveput the beast to flight!Cut to close-up of Princess,basilisk expression. Shepunches Nasrudin in theeye, claps her hands andtwo Errol Flynn typebodyguards appear fromnowhere, grab Nasrudin

12

and frog-march him to thewall and throw him over. Helands in the dust, outside.

Cut back into garden withthe Princess kneeling onthe ground, lookingsympathetically up at alarge bush on her right,which is rustling. TheBeast’s quivering eyeappears in the foliage,trembling,

PRINCESS:

Oh my darling! Mypoor sweet love! Didthe horrid man hurtyou?The Beast is cryingand slobbering and isdaring to come out alittle more.

PRINCESS:

Did the terrible manfrighten you? Did hehurt hims?The Beast drags himselfout of the tree and thePrincess kisses his hugeclaw -like hand.

PRINCESS:

Never Mind, DarlingOf My Heart! NeverMind, Dearest Lover !The Beast is whimpering asshe cuddles him.

PRINCESS:

EVERYTHING ISALL RIGHT NOW!

Cut to Nasrudin, in the dust,outside, listening inamazement.

PRINCESS:

He has been punishedand driven off!Cut to the Princess and theBeast. She is dabbing theBeast’s face.

PRINCESS:

There! There! NeverMind! He’s gone now!Cut to close-up ofNasrudin, listening, withhand to ear,

PRINCESS:

Everything’s all right,now!Cut to Princess and Beast.

PRINCESS:

There, there! Littleone! Baby love!(beast snuffling)

Honey sweet pet!Cut to Nasrudin again, whocan’t believe it,

Cut to Princess and Beastgoing into an embrace

PRINCESS:

My own love! ahh ...umm .. oo .. etc ...(love noises as shesnuggles up close to theBeast kissirg him, Apeacock comes into thescreen and discreetlyspreads its tail, obscuringthe view except for theirheads

Cut to Nasrudin, revolted,

NASRUDIN:

AAWARGH !Cut to Princess and Beast.More peacocks spreadtheir feathers, making abeautiful impression intowhich the Princess andBeast softly sink untilcompIetely enveloped.(cooings continue).

Cut to Nasrudin, who getsup.

NASRUDIN:

Oh well!(dusting himself off)

There is really noaccounting for taste,He turns and walks away,stops and turns back tocamera.

Perhaps ... I shouldcultivate a limp...He limps away into theevening light.

13

GRAGRAGRAGRAGRAVEYVEYVEYVEYVEYARDARDARDARDARD(Sequence 10)(Sequence 10)(Sequence 10)(Sequence 10)(Sequence 10)Cut to long shot, thebeautiful garden away inthe ditance - Sun goingdown and Nasrudin goingaway - His shadow is verylong,

We hear the sound ofhorses approaching astheir shadow crossesNasrudin’s path and hesteps into the bIackness.

Cut to Nasrudin walkingtowards us, looking at thehorsemen silhouettedagainst the setting sun inthe distance,

NASRUDIN:

musing, at first, but startsto terrify himself,

Horsemen! Horsemen!Hm ... comingtowards Me ... Theycould ... be thieves!Murderers!He starts to panic as theclopping of the horses’hooves grows louder andthe sun goes further down.

They Could... RobMe !.. Beat Me !...Impress Me In TheArmy! ... Sell Me As ASlave !... Torture Me !..Hang Me ! Brand Me !... Lecture Me ! ...The horsemen arc muchcloser to him now and hecompletely panics and runsaway from them.

Cut to their view of therunning figure. There arefour horsemen and theyspeed their horses towardsthe running figure.

Cut to Nasrudin running,scrambling over rocks,under crevices, sliding,stumbling, running,

Cut to thc four horsemenspeeding up,

Cut to Nasrudin goingfaster.

Cut to the horsemen goingfaster,

Cut to Nasrudin goingfaster,

Cut to the horsemen reallygalloping now.

Cut to Nasrudin going asfast as he possibly can,

He runs up to a wall, ismomentarily pinned againstit. He runs along the wall toan opening and runspanic-stricken throughwhat we see is agraveyard,

He shoots around slidingand slipping and falls downin an open grave, There isa tremendous crash and heshoots out of the grave, oldbones flying in alldirections. He leaps intoanother hole and burstsout of yet another one,More bones flying - Hegets a skull on his foot andhe can’t get it off and heruns hysterically and hidesin another grave.

Cut to the horsemen point ofview, as they approach thisopen grave.

Cut to Nasrudin inside thegrave, in darkness, as wehear the sound ofdismounting, the rustle andclank of what might beswords and armour,

The footsteps approachand Nasrudin picks up athigh-bone as a club and arib-cage as a shield andleans back in the grave,ready to fight.

The four horsemen, honesttravellers, lean over theedge of the grave,

1ST TRAVELLER:

Good Evening!Nasrudin puts the thigh -bone as if it is a walking-stick and hides the rib-cage behind his back,

NASRUDIN:

Good Evening!

1st TRAVELLER:

What are you doing inthat grave?

2ND TRAVELLER:

We saw you runningaway.3RD TRAVELLER:

Can we help you?NASRUDIN:

suddenly realizing what hashappened,

14

er ... ah ... ohoho.well ... Just becauseyou ask a questiondoes not necessarilymean there is astraightforwardanswer to it ... still, ifyou must know...Cut to close-up of Nasrudin

I am here ...Cut to top shot of grave

because of ...Cut to side view of scene

YOU!Cut to Nasrudin’s view ofthem

AND YOU ...Cut to another view of them

ARE HERE ...Cut to aerial view of thegraveyard

BECAUSE OF ...Cut to Nasrudin’s head attheir feet

ME !Nasrudin raises his head uptowards them with a smile,They stand there amazedand Nasrudin, as if he livedin this grave all the time, liesdown on the floor and takesan old skull for a pillow andpretends to go to sleep.

The four horsemen turn,dumbfounded, and walkaway.

We Cut to Nasrudin in thegrave, stilI trying to keep upappearances, Actually hestarts to doze off,

WOLWOLWOLWOLWOLVESVESVESVESVES(Sequence 11)(Sequence 11)(Sequence 11)(Sequence 11)(Sequence 11)Cut to Nasrudin, snoring inthe open grave, Inside hiswhite turban, a tinyNasrudin figure dissolvesin, as’if his turban becomesthe screen for his dream,

Cut into the turban and thedream starts as we hearunderneath the sound ofNasrudin snoring,

The dream-Nasrudin issitting on a carpet with acup of tea and is thinking.He is pulling at his beard,fiddling with his shoes andgoing into oddconcentrated positions,

NASRUDIN:

Some people are dead... when they seem tobe alive, on the otherhand ... others again... are alive... althoughthey seem to be dead.So, how can we tell ifa man is dead. or if heis alive?‘Bang” Kerima’ s frying panbashes him on the headand he vibrates.

KERlMA:

Foolish man !She picks up his handsand feet and shakes them,

If the hands and feet arecold, you can be sure thathe is dead!

She throws his hands andfeet down and stamps out.He gets up considering thisand walks out,

And we dissolve to a Iongshot of a snow scene withNasrudin and his donkeywalking along.

Cut to close-up ofNasrudin and the donkey,The donkey, in the dream,is very fat - It is snowing.They reach a tree -Nasrudin takes out his axeand starts to chop at thetree. He drops his axe in afit of shivering and startsjumping up and down towarm himself, His handsand feet, he notices, aregoing blue with coId,

NASRUDIN:

Cold ... cold (realizes)they... are ... cold,Death now seems tobe upon me !He thinks a bit and throwsaway his axe,

The dead do not cut wood... they lie downrespectably - for they haveno need of physicalmovement,

He lies down putting histurban in the cleft which hehas cut in the tree, The fatdonkey, fed -up, looks onin boredom, at Nasrudin’sfeet.

Cut to a long shot of thetop of the hill, We see whatlooks like a pine-tree. Butthen the branchesdisappear, leaving only the

15

upright stand and a smallmoving blob runs over tothe next upright pole, andwhat seems to bebranches shoot out,

Cut in to reveal six long-headed wolves posing as atree, They zip in and runover to another pole, a littlecloser to Nasrudin, andpose again as a tree.

A snow storm hits and as itclears, we cut to Nasrudinasleep, with snow coveringhis body, looking like awhite coffin, the donkey stillsits, bored, at his feet,

Cut to the wolf-tree entirelycovered in ice. The icecracks and the icicles dropoff, revealing the wolveswho have turned blue fromthe cold. They shiverterribly and run to anothertree.

Cut to the donkey whoseear lifts and whose eyesopen wide,

Cut to the woIves who runto another tree.

Cut to the donkey, moreworried.

Cut to the wolves stickingout from behind a tree, allsix of them clutching attheir stomachs - they areobvious1y starving todeath. They zip back inand go down the hill fromtree to tree, like a slalom,

Cut to the donkey, nowvery worried, Iooking roundstupidly.

Cut to the wolves who shootout from behind the tree, doa long run and zoom into theair.

We hear the sound of ascreaming jet engine andthey land on the donkey,who disappears in acartoon bIurr.

Jet and buzz-saw andeating noises as the blurrzooms around,

Cut to Nasrudin with oneeye open looking at thedemotion of his donkey,entirely calmly, he leans tous and says.

NASRUDlN:

Such is life! One thingis conditional uponanother.Cut to the wolves, nowwith huge, full bellies, whoburp and snicker, pick theirteeth and laugh gleefully toeach other in front ofNasrudin, rubbing theirbellies with delight.

Two of them take a wish-bone and snap it in front ofNasrudin, one pretendingto be very hurt at havinglost.

NASRUDIN:

getting angry now, lifts ahand out of the snow,

All right. go on ... goon ... but you wouldnot take such libertieswith my donkey - if Iwas alive !

The wolves, still gigglinghysterically, belching andburping, walk away into thedistance on the squeakysnow and an old-fashionedcartoon iris follows them tothe centre of the screen,They go over the hill, andthe white oval turns backinto Nasrudin’s hat. Wehear the sound of birdstwittering and Nasrudinwakes up in the opengrave in the early morninggolden light.

16

PUBLICPUBLICPUBLICPUBLICPUBLICLECTURELECTURELECTURELECTURELECTURE(Sequence 12)(Sequence 12)(Sequence 12)(Sequence 12)(Sequence 12)Nasrudin crawls out of thegrave into the earlymorning light, shakes someold bones from his pant legand coat, shudders slightlyand starts to walk away.

NASRUDlN:

(to camera)

In the midst ... of life... we are in the midst... of death!He swings his arm out in agesture and a skeletonhand also comes out of hissleeve, duplicatirg hisgesture. It falls to theground and Nasrudinshudders,

TOWN CRIER:

(in the distance)

Oyez ... OyezCut to Nasrudin on a hill,looking down at the town.Tremendous activity goingon in the market-place.

TOWN CRIER:

(continues)

Here Come TheExperts! Make Way!Make Way! Make WayFor The Experts !Cut to the Town Crier, whois running around at thehead of a line of sevendignified Experts.

TOWN CRIER:

Make way for thepanel of experts! Theexperts are coming!Here come theexperts! To answer allyour questions! Toanswer all yourquestions! What youlike to put to theexperts ... here comethe experts! The panelof experts!Cut to longer shot of arostrum and canapeprepared for the PublicLecture,

The Town Crier continuesto jump up and down, asthe Experts surrounded bythe populace proceed tothe rostrum. An effeminateStudent runs up to the firstExpert and sneaks in aquick question, before theExperts can get on thestand.

EFFEMINATE STUDENT:

(clutching a book to hischest)

O learned professor...I aspire to hold suchan importantacademic position asyou do - how best mayi do this?

ACADEMIC:

(cleaning his glasses)

Academic prominenceis attained by theamassing of diplomas,degrees and certificatesand unremittinglobbying of hlghlyplaced relatives andfriends!(poking his finger at thestudent’s book)

Spend not your time,young man - onfoolish and unreward-ing study of books.(he flips the book out of thestudent’s hand into thedust)

Study rather themeans, the short cuts(he takes out a pair ofscissors and snips off a bitof the string round his hat,which he has been using toclean his glasses. he turnsaway from the student andgoes up on the podium)

- and above all -entertain well ... andgive princely gifts!Enter the Scientist about toget on the platform and anhonest Peasant tugs at hissleeve.

HONEST PEASANT:

O great scientist, whydoes the moon riseand set?

17

The Scientist turns to thecamera and speaks like anautomaton,

SCIENTIST:

The rising and settingof the moon arequalities of anephemeral nature andare only amanifestaticn of theplethora of intricatelyinter-related events, aswe know them today!He smiles benignly on thepoor wretch, who fallsback astonished into thecrowd as the Scientistsweeps past, followed by aFelix Aylmer type Priest,whose robes are beingcarried by two tiny choirboys,

An honest Official bows infront of the Priest.

HONEST OFFICIAL:

O saintly priest, giveme some words tostrengthen my faith!

PRIEST:

Faith in the infinitewisdom of god isengendered andstrengthened byconstant recourse toprayer and absti-nence...We see the Bnnana Eater,absently standing by,eating a banana.

PRIEST:

But above all

(he sprcads his hand outand the Banana Eater,without looking, drops hisbanana skin into the handof the Priest. The Priestshakes the banana skin tothe ground and the BananaEater steps on it and fallson his face)

by a lifelong andunswerving devotionto the humblepriesthood...themselves dedicated,constantly fasting,practising self-denial...He turns and sweeps thehonest Official out of theway with his scroll andcontinues talking as hemakes his way up on tothe platform,

PRIEST:

who are and should be... a shining exampleof the pure, pious andtruly humane ... manof god!Enter a Tiny Prince. A hugefat petty Land Ownerpushes the honest OfficiaIout of the way and bows.

PETTY LAND OWNER:

August and nobleprince, with your wideexperience of rulershipand authority, howbest may I rule mypeasants?

TINY PRINCE:

Dah ! The peasants?Hang them! Brandthem ! Lll - lash them!Sssss-starve them!Lllllike i do - showthem who ismmmmm-master.We see the THIEF, unseenby the Prince, looting thePrince’s pockets as thePrince ascends theplatform.

Enter the Lawyer,andTaalib, the honest Student,with his tattered pen andratty paper and ink, inreverence approaches theLawyer.

TAALIB:

O great lawyer, isjustice (he gulps) ... infact, based on truth?(turning to the camera - hisvoice hisses like a snake)

LAWYER:

The answer is yes ...Cut to Taalib writingfuriously.

If not, the answer is ...no!Cut to Taalib, writing furiously.

Subject to ...subsection 2(more taalib writingfuriousiy)

paragraph 3(more furious writing)

18

... foot note 26 ...The Lawyer flicks round andgoes up on the pIatform,leaving Taalib completelycovered in ink andbewildered,

The Tiny Merchant entersand the Shopkeeper bendslow in front of him.

SHOPKEEPER:

O great merchant,impart to me thesecrets of successfulcommerce... please.

MERCHANT:

Commercial success isbased on a set of scalesweighted in yourfavour, a gulliblepublic(we see the Thief isundoing the Merchant’smoney-bag)

...and an unrelenting(and without looking at thethief, the merchant grabshim around the neck anddrags the thief towardshim)

...greed!He picks the Thief up andshakes him upside-down.All the Thief’s loot falls tothe ground and theMerchant shoves the Thiefaway and puts all the lootinto his own robes andwalks up on the platform,

Enter the Politician, the last ofthe Experts, A Civil Servantbows before him,

CIVIL SERVANT:

O great and worthychairman andstatesman, I aspire tolead such a scintillat-ing delegatlon as youdo. please, tell mehow to do so.The Politician turns to thecamera and clears his throat.He acts this speech outgraphically, changing utterlyfrom mood to mood,

POLITICIAN:

Above all consider-ations, a successfulchairman andstatesman, such asmyself, must have athis command ... yea!at his fingertips arhetoric, a delivery, agamut of expressions... suitable foroccasions which aresolemn... joyous...monetary ... andceremonial.He sweeps up on to theplatform.

TOWN CRIER:

(jumping up and down on theplatform)

O people ... thelearned ones are hereto answer all yourquestions ... who,among you will posethe first question?Crowd murmuring -Someone says,

SOMEONE:

Nasrudln ... where isNasrudin ?

OTHERS:

Where is Nasrudln ?The Thief is seen lootingagain, as we searchthrough the crowd,

OTHER VOICES:

Nasrudin? ...Nasrudin? ... Oh!Here - Here’sNasrudin !They grab Nasrudin,

TWO TOWNSMEN:

Dust him down! ...Dust him down! ...They dust him down.

Dress him up ! ...Dress him up !They put on another set ofpatched robes and turban,which are almost identicalto the ones Nasrudin waswearing.

TWO TOWNSMEN:

Pass him over ! Passhim over!They pick up Nasrudin andthe crowd hands him overtheir heads up on to theplatform. Nasrudin standsthere, smiling at theExperts, Expectant crowdmurmurs.

To the Politician, very politely,

19

NASRUDIN:

May I ask the learnedones a question?

POLITICIAN:

(humouring him)

Proceed!

NASRUDIN:

What are you doinghere?(in amusement, as to achild)

POLITICIAN:

We are a team ofexperts - and we arehere to answer all ofthe questions whichthe people cannotanswer for themselves.All the Experts titter.

And who ... are you?

NASRUDIN:

(self-effacingly)

Oh! Me!? Oh! Youbetter have me uphere!(he sits down beside thePolitician)Experts all shocked.

I am here... to answerthe questions whichyou don’t know theanswers to !More shock

NASRUDIN:

Shall we start withsome of the thingswhich baffle you ...learned gentlemen?Experts all cough.

POLITICIAN:

(confidentially, to Nasrudin)

Are you accusing us of- ignorance?Nasrudin, smiling, nods -More coughing.

POLITICIAN:

Would that also implythat we are(he leans forward toNasrudin)

irresolute?Nasrudin, smiling, nods -Silence from the otherExperts now, The Lawyerseizing his opportunity,hisses.

LAWYER:

And, Doubtless, YouCharge That We AreIn Addition,Confused!Nasrudin, smiling, nods.

Cut to the Priest, with hishand up to heaven. Hestabs it at Nasrudin.

PRIEST:

Heretic!The other Experts join in

Heretic! Heretic!Heretic! Heretic!Heretic! Heretic!

Cut to crowd, tentativelyjoining in,

CROWD:

Heretic? ... Heretic!Heretic? ... Heretic!Heretic? ... Heretic!Heretic? .. Heretic !

POLITICIAN:

The Politician claps hishands.

Seize Him!Three ghouls zip in on tothe platform, carryingchains and handcuffs,etc...

They tie and bolt Nasrudinup in chains.

20

BREADBREADBREADBREADBREAD(Sequence 13)(Sequence 13)(Sequence 13)(Sequence 13)(Sequence 13)Cut to side view ofNasrudin, covered inchains, running along,being towed by a charioton which sit the threeghouls,

Cut to aerial view of thesame, but with thepopulace lining the routewhich leads to the Palace.

Cut to enormous Courtdoors which open revealingthe King and Court in fullassembly. The three ghoulsdrag Nasrudin across thefloor in front of the Kingand unbolt him, Nasrudinlooks up and sees Anwar,the Grand Vizier. There isthe sound of the gong andtheir noses quiver indistaste of each other,

Anwar, the Grand Vizier,bows low before the King.

ANWAR:

O king, thephilosophers, thelogicians and thedoctors of law ...Cut to the same sevenExperts, who arc seated ona magnificent carpetexactly as they had been atthe public lecture.

ANWAR:

...have been gatheredtogether to examine amost serious case of...heresy!!

Cut to the King andcourtroom all shocked -Whispers, etc ...

ANWAR:

(attacking)

This man, Nasrudin....Cut to the King, whostutters, half asleep,

KING:

Na-Na-Na ...Nasrudin...Cut to Anwar,

ANWAR:

...is accused of -undermining the state!More crowd shock.

ANWAR:

He has admitted goingaround, saying suchwise men as these ...Cut to the Experts.

ANWAR:

...are ignorant,irresolute andconfused!More crowd reaction.

KING:

(bored with the entireproceedings, but wakingup from his reverie enoughto fulfill his function)

Nasrudin ... you mayspeak first!Nasrudin bows to the King,

NASRUDIN:

Your majesty, may Iask the learned ones aquestion?

KING:

Proceed.

NASRUDIN:

(bowing reverently in frontof the Experts)

O wise men ... what is... bread?Cut to Experts, cackling,and saying such things as:

Bread! Ridiculous!Stupid Question !

EXPERTS:

Bread! Ridiculous!Cut to the King, bored andannoyed, who motions theExperts to get on with it.

Cut to the Academic,cleaning his glasses,

ACADEMIC:

Bread - is a substancewhich is for thepurpose of nourishingpeople !Court admiration andmurmurs of ‘of course’.

Pan to the Scientist, whosays, again like anautomaton,

SCIENTIST:

Bread is a compoundof flour and water.Cut to outside thecourtroom where there arefive statues of eagIes. In

21

the middle stands the Thieftrying to look like an eagle.Scientist’s voice continuesunder

SCIENTIST:

... mixed at a certainratio ...The Thief runs from behindthe eagles over to behind aguard and he peeps in atthe courtroom proceedings,

SCIENTIST:

(continuing)

...and subject to acertain heat!Courtroom reactions of

COURTROOM:

BRILLIANT!NATURALLY! HOWTRUE! etc ...Pan to the Priest.

PRIEST:

It is a blessing whichdescends as mannafrom the heavens! It isa gift from god notwithstanding man’siniquity andundeserving state!Cut to a line of soldiers incourt, The Thief’s headprotrudes between theirrobes and then zips backin, There is a pause andthen one of the soldiers’robe disappears leavinghim standing in hisunderpants as we see theThief scuttle round a corner.

Pan to the Tiny Prince,

TINY PRINCE:

A vexed question -but I for one know itto be none other thanbaked dough !More crowd admiration andscattered applause.

CROWD:

The prince is right!etc...Pan to thc Lawyer, whoprepares to answer.

Cut to Taalib, pen at theready, covered in ink, whohas somehow managed toget into the courtroom, Hetakes down the Lawyer’swords again.

LAWYER:

It is, first of all,necessary tounderstand what ismeant by bread...Cut to two rows ofturbaned courtiers, TheThief sticks his head out ofa window and spots thepearls around the turbans.

LAWYER:

Define your terms ofreference ...The Thief’s hand comesout and zips the pearls offthe turban and the turbansinks over the courtier’shead,

LAWYER:

It can be held to bechangeable - or -immutable.

Cut to Taalib, completeIycovered in ink.

Pan to the Merchant.

MERCHANT:

Bread is a substancefrom which mandraws nutriment!Good crowd reaction.

CROWD:

Hear! Hear! So It Is!Indeed!Cut to the Politician at theend of the line, who holdsup his hands to sum up.

POLITICIAN:

Throughout the agessavants and sages havesought the answer tothis question but still -it has to be admittedthat nobody reallyknows,

ENTIRE CROWD:

Indeed! Quite So !How Absolutely True!A Brilliant SummingUp !

Cut to the King, bored butslightly unconvinced,

Cut to Nasrudin.

NASRUDIN:

Your majesty, how canyou trust these men?Cut to the Experts, inannoyance,

22

NASRUDIN:

Is it not strange thatthey cannot agree...Anwar, sensing trouble,hides well out of the King’sview.

NASRUDlN:

...on the nature ofsomething they eateveryday...Cut to the Experts, lookingat each other.

...yet, are unanimousthat I am a heretic.(he smiles at the King.)

Cut to the King who reallydoes not want to bebothered but is thinking,nevertheless.

KING:

Mmmm .....

VIZIER ANDVIZIER ANDVIZIER ANDVIZIER ANDVIZIER ANDMESSENGERMESSENGERMESSENGERMESSENGERMESSENGER(Sequence 14)(Sequence 14)(Sequence 14)(Sequence 14)(Sequence 14)As the Court awaits the King’sdecision, there is the sound ofa horse galloping up and acrash of armour and a tinyhonest yeoman-messengerstaggers into the centre of thecourt. He is porcupined witharrows and is obviouslydying, He also has a spearshoved right through hiscentre, He collapses, Anwar,the Grand Vizier, shoots overto him and listens, trying notto get too close

MESSENGER:

(gasping) The King...The King...Of...India

ANWAR:

(to the King and Court)

O Majesty, the King ofIndia ...(he zips back to listen further)

MESSENGER:

Th...Th...Threatens...

ANWAR:

(languorous)The King Of IndiaThreatens ...

MESSENGER:

The... Invasion... Of... Persia...

ANWAR:

The Invasion OfPersia...

He suddenly realizes what hesays, Fast cuts of King andCourt, shocked.

MESSENGER:

(grabbing Anwar’s robe.Anwar rips his robe away)

unless ...

ANWAR:

(histrionic)

unless ...

MESSENGER:

A ... Suitable ...Ambassador ...

ANWAR:

A Suitable Ambassa-dor

MESSENGER:

can... be ... sent...immediately...

ANWAR:

can be sent immedi-ately...

MESSENGER

(expiring now)

to ... to ... to make... tomake... peace!He dies.

ANWAR:

to make peace !Anwar signals the removal ofthe dead messenger and thethree ghouls zip in, pick upthe Messenger by the lanceand some of the arrows and,with his spurs as wheels, theywheelbarrow him out of thecourtroom.

23

CANDIDCANDIDCANDIDCANDIDCANDIDAAAAATESTESTESTESTES(Sequence 15)Interior of the courtroom.

The Grand Vizier goestowards the throne.

VIZIER:

Oh Majesty!(heading towards thethrone)

In that we require anambassador to makepeace with India, willYour Majesty nowhear the applicants forthis high office?Cut to King, who nodsassent.

KING:

Mmm... let the firstcandidate comeforward:Drums roll to announce theentrance of ZAPPO THEGREAT, a tatty conjurer, inan aberrated Persianizedevening dress. He rolls uphis sleeves.

ZAPPO:

Diplomacy is butsleight of hand!(flips out led balls and zipsthem away)

Who better torepresent YourMajesty...(Poof! Paper flowersappear from his hand, heplaces them on the King’sthrone)

Than...(zips open coat, pigeons flyout carrying a bannermarked ‘Zappo the Great’)

Zappo The Great!(juggling white rabbits in hishands)

Whose Hands AreQuicker Than TheEye!(Then flipping cards)

To Entertain!(pulls out knottedhandkerchief)

Deceive!(woof:handkerchief turns outinto huge gold and green flagwith’ Persia’ written on it)AMUSE! (lights a cigar,bang:it explodes)

Perplex!(he flips handkerchief backand forth, pulls it away,revealing a goldfish in a bowl,spins goldfish and bowl in theair and rolls it across hisshoulders, from his righthand into his left, where itdisappears in his cloak)

Outwit!(lifts hat off, revealing goldfishand bowl on his head).

Cut to King, who looks up in amixture of boredom anddisgust.

Cut to Zappo, who hasgloved hands extended outon movable wooden hinges,

ZAPPO THE GREAT:

Confuse!(he flips open a deck ofcards with one gloved hand)

Dismay!(other phony hand takes acard)

Cut to King, who grunts toeunuch. Eunuch pulls sash,trap door opens beneathZappa and he plummetsthrough floor, cards flying inthe air)

ZAPPO THE GREAT:

ALAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAArm...Trap door closes as cardsfall to the ground. Thethree ghouls zip in andsweep cards up and zipout.

Cut to Vizier,

VIZIER:

And now the secondapplicant!There is a smattering ofapplause as thePOLITICIAN promenadesalong a magnificent carpettowards the throne. Hebows:

POLITICIAN:

Negotiation is thebasis of all agreement,provided that certainnational interests...ahh... be honoured...Cut to King, bored.

Cut to Vizier, delighted atKing’s reaction.

24

... despite the narrowattitude of othernegotiators based ontheir nationalisticinvolvements(effect of sound and picturespeeding up)

Ahdahdahdahabadabadahba...(picture and sound runningdown back to normal)

ah ba da ba thusproducing a state ofagreement betweennations.(He bows).Nominal grunts andscattered half-heartedapplause from courtroom.Vizier looks to King.

KING:

(mutters)

Mmm... Thank You...Thank You...(gestures his dismissal.

The Politician graciouslyturns and sweeps out).

Cut to Vizier.

VIZIER:

And The NextApplicant!There is an enormouscrash, like a ten-pinbowling ball strike, as weSee General IRONPANTS,pushing his soldiers aside.

GENERAL IRONPANTS:

(Bellowing)Majesty, put not yourtrust in idle chatter!(He crashes his waytowards the throne)

Lead your soldiersagainst this Indiandespot!Cut to King, who obviouslydoes not want to fight.

KING:

Mmm ...

IRONPANTS:

The Sword(he unsheathes it)

Shall Decide!(He is too old and thesword is too heavy, and itfalls to the ground, at theKing’s feet. The Generalgets it up with tremendouseffort and the sword nowgets out of cortrol, carryingthe General around theroom).

IRONPANTS:

Give him a taste ofsteel! Get him on hisknees!(the sword just misses theGrand Vizier)

Strip him of his fancypants!(just misses the Vizieragain)

...and give it to himin the guts!(He charges the GrandVizier, still with the swordleading the action, and pinsthe Vizier’s robe to thefloor, There is a rip as theVizier rushes and hidesbehind the King’s throne).

IRONPANTS:

Cut and parry! Slash,hue and hack!(approaching thethrone again)Let the blood flow!Cut to Vizier signallingfrantically to two of theGeneral’s ADC’s, whocome silently out and takethe General away,screaming).

IRONPANTS:

Hack! Hack! Hackaway! Beat him to hisknees! Cut, slash andparry! Cut a slice offhim!(his energy now almostspent, he cannot lift thesword any more, his ADC’stake him along themagnificent carpet and thedragging sword slices it upthe middle as they go).

IRONPANTS:

Blast Him! Cut Him!Slash Him!(gibberish)

25

Cut to King, horrified at thewhole thing, gives achicken-hearted shudder.

Cut to Vizier, delighted.

VIZIER:

And the nextapplicant!We see an effeminatePOET, who looks like aflower, he minces towardsthe throne and bows. Heunravels a parchmentscroll, beautifully illuminatedwith the words ‘Let PeaceReign!’

POET:

(in high effeminate voice)

Let Peace Reign!(getting carried away, hesteps on his parchmentscroll)

Why Discord AndHarsh Abuse,(now entirely tied up in hisscroll)

Twixt Persia AndBrother India ?Takes out white dove fromcloak

Let UnderstandingBlossom!White dove, with pinkstreamers flutters up intothe air above the Poet’shead and drops’ one’ intothe Poet’s eye. Temporarilyblinded, he turns, walkingon his scroll, away from theKing and Vizier.

And Peace And Love,And Harmony OfHearts !(discovers he is the wrongway round, turns back alonghis parchment towards theKing, tugs at the scroll)

For Ever After!Cut to Vizier, who looks tothe King,

Cut to King, almostthrowing up,

KING:Aeaa Wghhhhhlo ...Vizier, delighted, turns toPoet, his hand out in aviolent gesture of dismissal.The Poet’s lily-white robes,turning brown at theedges, fill with air from thegesture, as he scurries outlike a wilted flower.

Cut to Vizier,

VIZIER:

And The Next!As the Poet shuffles away,RAMBLING ACHMET leapsin, with an enormouselectrified Persian lute, withthree sets of string boards,as if three instruments arecombined in one.

RAMBLING ACHMET:

I Am RamblingAchmet With MyWondrous Lute!

He strikes a chord andstrings break and electric‘shorts’ occur, giving him fastelectric shocks which delighthim,

RAMBLING ACHMET:

(Recitative style)

Music Soothes TheHeart Of Every ManAnd Beast, RemovingWar And Pestilence,And Bringing Peace AtLeast!He strikes an enormouschord. More strings break.

More electric shocks and hishair fries slightly,

(To the tune of ‘Down by theriverside’, he prances roundthe courtroom)

RAMBLINGACHMET:I’m Gonna Lay DownMy Sword And ShieldDown By The PersianGulf,Down By The PersianGulf, Down By ThePersian Gulf,I’m Gonna Lay DownMy Heavy Load DownBy The Persian Gulf,I Ain’t Gonna StudyWar No More ...Cut to King, who is revoltedand makes a signal to TheVizier.

The Vizier and the eunuch,behind the King’s throne, bothrush off screen.

26

RAMBLING ACHMET:

Ain’t Gonna StudyWar No More, Ain’tGonna Study War NoMore,I Ain’t Gonna StudyWar No More, IAin’t-A-Gonna Study...(Rambling Achmet does agrind at the King)

...War...(Flash cut of King, horrified)

No More... Study WarNo More, I Ain’tGonna Study War NoMore...Eunuch pulls a cord and asilk curtain rolls up,revealing an old -fashionedelectric railway switch,beautifully engraved.

RAMBLING ACHMET:

I’m Gonna Drop MeA Great Big Clanger,Right In The PersianGulf,Right In The PersianGulf ...Vizier pulls switch, ka-chung:

Right In The PersianGulf, I’m Gonna DropMe ...We zoom into RamblingAchmet’ s electric wirecord and pan rapidly alongit, where the electric chargehits it and we follow the wireback to Rambling Achmet.

... A Great BigClanger Right In ThePersian Gulf,I Ain’t Gonna ...Study...(the charge hits him)

War Noooooooo ...Mooooooore ...(he lights up like a jukeboxand fries completely,delighted as he does,Frying, he exits ‘a lavaudeville’, bursts intosmoke, smashes through abeautiful Persian stainedglass window.)

Cut to outside Palace, ashe spirals down like asmoking spitfire in flames.

Cut back into courtroomcrowd muttering as wehear an electrified crash,

Cut to the King, who isbored and disgusted. TheGrand Vizier polishes hisrings, wets his eyebrowsand shoots in front of theking:

VIZIER:

And, Finally, May I,In All Humility, OfferMyself(he grovels on the floor likea black pancake)

As The FinalCandidate For ThisHigh Office OfAmbassador? HavingThroughout YourMajesty’s Rule Toiled,Nay, Slaved(he is dancing now)

To Reflect Your EveryWhim! To Protect!And Enhance TheStature Of TheThrone! To GlorifyThe State!(he drops to the groundand wriggles on his bellytowards the throne)

And To SelflesslyServe The Nation AsYour Majesty WouldWish It To Be Served!(He has his nose on thethrone, at the King’sfeet.The King gives noindication of anything, andthe Vizier signals with hishand, which the Kingcannot see, to hisbejewelled Sycophants,who start the applause).

Cut to the full panorama ofthe courtroom as theapplause grows.

ANWAR, the Grand Vizier,takes his nose off the throneand backs up across thecourtroom floor into thearms of his applaudingSycophants.

Cut to the courtroom crowdas the applause dies downand everybody looks to the

27

King. The King, world-weary,slowly raises his head fromhis reverie,

KING:

I have heard, andseen... applications forthe post of ambassa-dor from men who Iwould not employ... tocomb the tail of adonkey!(Angry now - he has wokenup)

All I want is a man...to represent... ourmajesty... at the courtof the Great Mogul ofIndia.Cut to the courtroom inhushed silence.

Cut to the King, who raiseshis eyes to heaven andputs up his hand,

KING:

I Therefore Appoint...(the drums roll, the King’sfinger comes forward to thescreen and travels alongthe line of candidates, whocrane forward inanticipation),

Cut to the Grand Vizier,surrounded by hisSycophants,

Cut to the Politician,craning forward.

Cut to the Poet, with hisparchment scroll.

Cut to General Ironpants,who is still struggling, as ifbehind bars, which are the

staves of his two ADC’s, likea gorilla trying to get out.

Cut to the now smoulderingRambling Achmet, all hairfried off, with a bit of left-overlute - he is like a charredcinder - little electric’ shorts’still occurring,

Cut to the King’s hand as thedrums come to a climax.The King draws his handforward.

KING:

... NASRUDIN !There is a big whiz panround the courtroomending on Nasrudin seatedcalmly in the crowd.

Cut to the Grand Vizier,who gasps as his eye-ballsflash bright green.

Track out to reveal hissycophants whoimmediately zip over toNasrudin ; they fawn overhim, surreptitiously flashingmoney, jewels, trinkets,whispering such words as:

SYCOPHANTS:

Marvellous! Isn’t HeHandsome! A Magni-Ficent Profile! SoSuave! The Robes WillSet Him Off:SuchDignity ... Isn’t HeLovely! Such Poise!Such Command! SuchPotential! Etc...

1st SYCOPHANT:

(Calling out to King)

An Excellent Choice,Your Majesty!

2nd SYCOPHANT:

A Glorious Choice,Your Majesty!Cut to Vizier, trying to pullhimself together.

VIZIER:

(to King)Truly Inspired ...(louder)Greatly Preferred!Truly Inspired!Cut to the King, back in hisreverie.

KING:

Prepare TheAmbassador And HisCaravan.Fast fade to black.

We track back from a largeblack circle, which turnsout to be the mouth of thepalace herald, surroundedby four trumpeters; theassembled populace inserried ranks outside thepalace below.

PALACE HERALD:

Ooooooooooooh !People!Great hush.

28

The King HasChosen Our OwnMulla Nasrudin AsAmbassador To India!Wild cheer from crowd,including:

CROWD:

Good old Nasrudin !That’s our man ! Weknew he’d make it !He’ll look after ourinterests!

PALACE HERALD:

Long Live AmbassadorNasrudin!

CROWD:

Long Live AmbassadorNasrudin ! Long LiveAmbassador Nasrudin!Long Live AmbassadorNasrudin ! Etc...Trumpets blasting. Fade toblack.

VIZIER INVIZIER INVIZIER INVIZIER INVIZIER INCAVECAVECAVECAVECAVE(Sequence 16)(Sequence 16)(Sequence 16)(Sequence 16)(Sequence 16)Sound carries over as wefade in on the revolvingGrand Vizier’s green eye-balls.

VIZIER:

Ambassador?Track out revealing his face.

Ambassador Nasrudin?Track out a little further toshow that Anwar is in agrey-green cave, withflickering candle-light.

I’ll teach Nasrudin tothwart Anwar theGrand Vizier!We have pulled backsufficiently now to show avulture perched on Anwar’sshoulder. He is an exactvulture duplicate of Anwar.

VULTURE:

Anwar, The GrandVizier! Clack! Clack!Clack !

VIZIER:

I’ll fix him!

VULTURE:

(shooting out his claw)

I’ll Fix Him! Clack!Clack! Clack!

VIZIER:

(oily sentiment)

My Friends ...

Cut back to reveal theassembled sycophantssitting in a semi -circle at hisfeet.

...you have done wellto befriend Nasrudin,The Vulture’s head sinks intohis neck feathers,

VULTURE:

Argghh ...

VIZIER:

Now ... This Is WhatWe Do ...He points his bejewelledfingers at camera and a redruby comes upright intolens, which does acombination of ripple glassand vaseline dissolve to atreasure chest full ofglittering jewels. Anwar’sdialogue is mixed over hisown whisper and four orfive tracks of his own voicesuperimposed on itself.

VIZIER:

Steal the jewels fromhis gift treasure chest,and replace them withearth!(We see through a whitehaze these scenes beingenacted out in pantomime,giving a flash-forwardeffect)

VIZIER:

Teach him the wrongcourt etiquette!

29

-Get him to call thegreat mogul of indiaby the wrong titles!Give him a brokensword to defendhimself with on thejourney!Same mixture of ripple andvaseline dissolve as’redruby on the Vizier’s fingerdraws back away from thecamera.

Back to Anwar in the cave.

VIZIER:

And for the final trick,get him to hire acaravan master...

VULTURE:

Caravan Master ...Ark! Clack! Clack!Clack!

VIZIER:

who might...The background starts toslowly dissolve lighter andthe Vulture, on Anwar’sshoulder, slowly fadesaway,

VIZIER:

... be wearing darkglasses(dark glasses slowly fadeon Anwar)

and a purple robe....(his black robes dissolve toa violent purple)

with an orange sash ...

(orange sash fades onround his middle. Thebackground is gettingmuch lighter now)

and who will beheavily bearded.(a large red beard dissolveson his face.)

Dissolve.

MARKETMARKETMARKETMARKETMARKETPLAPLAPLAPLAPLACECECECECE(Sequence 17)(Sequence 17)(Sequence 17)(Sequence 17)(Sequence 17)TOWNSPEOPLE:

1st SYCOPHANT:

2nd SYCOPHANT:

OTHER SYCOPHANTS:

There is the sound of amarketplace and we pullback to reveal the fullydisguised CARAVANMASTER/VIZIER in thebustling marketplace, atnoon.

We pan through the crowdhubbub to find Nasrudinsurrounded by varioustownspeople, crying suchthings as:

Nasrudin, what do wedo about thefirewood? Nasrudin,what do we do aboutthe sheep?Nasrudin, where dowe put the tents? Andthe water jars? Andthe wood? And thecooking pots? And thecamels? ‘..We have pulled back now toreveal a large crowd full ofgoats, camels andparaphernalia for the trip,with the sycophantslooking on from behindSome Ali Baba type oilpots. The sycophants force

30

their way through the crowdto Nasrudin, and bow andscrape before him.

O Noble ambassador!O Eminentexcellency!O Great emissary!You should not bebothered with suchdetails! You should beleft alone to think! Toreflect! To meditate!To think! To reflect!And to formulate yourdiplomatic strategy!Yes, indeed! Toformulate strategy! Toreflect! To consider! Tomeditate!

1st SYCOPHANT:2nd SYCOPHANT:OTHER SYCO-PHANTS:Nasrudin!You need a caravanmaster, To free youfrom all the triflingdetails!A caravan master! Acaravan master! Tohandle the details! Tofree you to think!May we suggest thisman(pan to purple CaravanMaster/Vizier, carrying rollsof maps, etc...)

Whose experience isunmatched!(Caravan Master/ Vizierbows low in front ofNasrudin)

And whose fee isnothing comparedwith the amount oftrouble he can saveyou!

Very well.(and he turns away fromthe fawning crowd)

Fade to black.

WIFEWIFEWIFEWIFEWIFEDRESSINGDRESSINGDRESSINGDRESSINGDRESSING(Sequence 18)(Sequence 18)(Sequence 18)(Sequence 18)(Sequence 18)Fade in on Nasrudin,walking up to the frontdoor of his house - Hesticks his head into thedoor.

NASRUDIN:

Kerima, my beloved ...next week I am leavingfor India

KERIMA:

Leaving for India?What are you leavingfor India for?(muttering to herself)

Another of yourstupid ideas, Isuppose! Silly fool!...ought to knowbetter at his age...

NASRUDIN:

(importantly)

THE KING ISSENDING ME ASAMBASSADOR TOTHE GREATMOGUL OF INDIA:

KERIMA:

(satta voce)

Idiot! SecondChildhood! Silly OldFool!(Loud)

31

Ambassador!!! Oh!!!The Jewellery !! TheRobes ... TheGowns... The Shoes ...I Shall Need! TheAttendants!...The Maid Servants:...The Retinue AsBefits... A MadamAmbassador!

NASRUDIN:

but, dear ... thejewels~ the robes~ theplumes...but you’re not ....(going)

KERIMA:

SO LITTLE TIMETO PREPARE~ SOLITTLE TIME FORMY PREPARA-TIONS!

NASRUDIN:

... going.(He takes out an oldsaddle-bag, puts in an oldbook from over there andanother old book from overhere and goes into theother room, where Kerima,talking all the time, is on achair on a table,surrounded by servants.She is in a violet robe,plumes all over her head,huge rings are being fittedon her fat fingers and tinyslippers are being forcedon to her huge feet, etc ...)

KERIMA:

Take up the hem here!More feathers! Notthat tunic! Emeralds!Emeralds suit mebetter! Where are mypearls? And velvet,bring the velvet! That’sit! Try the slippers on...the gold slippers!Where’s my silverbrocade? Oh! And theplumes! They’re notgood enough ... whereare the others? Takethe hem in... higher!That’s right! Morefeathers! Etc.

Nasrudin sneaks quietlyout.

Fade to black,

POSH TOWNPOSH TOWNPOSH TOWNPOSH TOWNPOSH TOWNCRIERCRIERCRIERCRIERCRIER(Sequence(Sequence(Sequence(Sequence(Sequence18a)18a)18a)18a)18a)PALACE HERALD:

Fade in on the busymarketplace outside thepalace. The Palace Heraldwalking under a canapecarried by four tiny minionsand with his four trumpet-ers blasting spasmodically.

Oyez! Oyez!AmbassadorNasrudin’s CaravanWill Leave The EastGate To-Morrow AtDawn For India!Respectable AndResponsible PersonsWishing To Travel ToIndia With ThisCaravan Can JoinNasrudin To-MorrowAt Dawn, At The EastGate!As he repeats his message,we cut to the THIEF, at theback of the market-place,sneaking along towards asection of the crowd withtheir backs to him. Hesneaks behind a pillarbetween two arches andlooks round spying thebeads in the pocket of theother half of himself. Hepickpockets his own beadsand zips into a corner,where he pockets hisstolen loot, sniggers, anddoes a victory dance in thedust. He suddenly realizes.Fade to black.

32

EAST GAEAST GAEAST GAEAST GAEAST GATETETETETE(Sequence 19)(Sequence 19)(Sequence 19)(Sequence 19)(Sequence 19)PEDDLERS:

NASRUDIN:

Fade in inside the East Gate,at dawn, Long shadows,The sun scatters early goldon city roofs, Camels arekneeling and being loadedwith crates of live chickens,barrels of cooking fat, big AliBaba type jars of oil.Donkeys are being loadedwith amorphous bundles.Hustle and bustleeverywhere. Peddlers aregoing in and out sellingthings from trays.

Buy Your Anti-Brigand Charms Here!... Fresh Fruit For TheJourney! ... Guaran-teed Evil Eye Averters!Avert The Evil-EyeNow!(these are being sold by aQuasimodo man, wearingan eye-patch)

Snake-Bite Potion!Anti-Avalanche Pills!(A man carrying a roundworld-globe)

Get Your Road MapHere!We go down the line,passing jugglers, fire-eaters, snake-charmers,weight-lifters, sword-

swallowers, acrobats, a setof classical Salome dancers,dancing to a drum and aflute. They are terriblepainted fat tarts, doingbumps and grinds in thedust (standard orientalmusic). The THIEF,. in hiselement, is nipping in andout, looting.

The camera goes along toa huge palanquin, beingcarried by fournondescripts, It is veryheavy at one end. ThePrincess (from the Gardensequence) peeps out.

NASRUDIN:

(who is not close enoughto see her very clearly, tothe Caravan Master/Vizier)

What noble lady istravelllng with us toIndia?Enamoured... of abeast!The Beast peeps out fromthe heavy end of thepalanquin.

NASRUDIN:

(recognizing the Beast)

Arghh ...

THE BEAST:

(recognizing Nasrudin)

ARGHH ...(zips back in)

CARAVAN MASTER /VIZIER:

They are going toIndia to seek the Mad-Holy Old Indian-Witch of Benares, tobreak the spell:

NASRUDIN:

Spell?

CARAVAN MASTER/VIZIER:

The Princess isconvinced that thebeast is an enchantedprince!

NASRUDIN:

Enchanted Prince!Cut to the palanquininterior.

THE BEAST:

(snivelling in one corner)

There’s that terribleman outside ... whohit me ...(sob, sob)That cruel man hit mehere...

PRINCESS:

(dabbing the Beast’s wateryeyes)

Don’t cry, my pet! Wewill soon be in India,and the Mad-Holy-Oid Indian-Witch ofBenares will lift thespell and make youfree,

33

THE BEAST:

She will? Say she will:

PRINCESS:

(dabbing)Yes, she will:

THE BEAST:

She will? say she will:

PRINCESS:

Yes, she will’

THE BEAST:

(clapping hands togetherand giggling)

She Will! She Will!She Will! She Will!She Will!She Will! She Will!She Will!Palanquin lifts up andtrumpets blast and we cutto the exterior of the EastGate as the Caravan startsto come through. First,mounted bands, big kettledrums playing comethrough the Gate passingthe King and his Courtiersand dignitaries who are ona huge reviewing standoutside the Gate - Populaceon all sides - Immediatelyafter the bands comehorse-mounted troops, thehead of the column carryingflags and banners, followedby a hundred mountedlancers, followed by atremendous amount of footsoldiers (obvious animationcycle going on and on)

They go past with absolutemilitary precision, The musicis a Turkish janizary versionof Battle Hymn of theRepublic. Big kettle drums,snares and jingling johnies.Also fifes, not flutes.

Between the last of themarching troops andNasrudin, there is a slightgap,

Nasrudin comes in,gorgeously robed, on hismocked-up donkey.Caparisons, coloured gorsecovering the hind quarters.Nasrudin is wearing anenormously long sword in ascabbard. Closely behindhim, on classical Persianminiature horses come adozen gorgeously andeffeminately dressedSycophants dripping withlace embroidery and talkingall the time, Saying suchthings as:

SYCOPHANTS:

Isn’t it exciting! Whata thrilling day!~ Don’twe look smart! Oh!There’s the king!I love your lace! Yourembroidery is finerthan mine! My horsecost 1000 gold pieces!Mine cost 2000! Isn’tit all beautifully done!What a touchingsend-off! It takes thePersians to stage thesethings properly!

Then comes the CaravanMaster-Vizier, riding a largeblack horse. He is followedby some camels withaverage travellers andtraders riding on them. Thencomes the palanquin beingcarried with the Princessand the Beast, looking out.Then this is followed by othertravellers with donkeys,some people riding, somewalking. The Thief is skirtinground the back, obviouslyhaving joined the Caravan.

Fade to black.

34

KERIMA’SKERIMA’SKERIMA’SKERIMA’SKERIMA’SGOWNS GOWNS GOWNS GOWNS GOWNS IIIII(Sequence 20)(Sequence 20)(Sequence 20)(Sequence 20)(Sequence 20)Nasrudin’s home.

Kerima is prancing around,followed by her servants.She is trying on gowns,rings, plumes and shoes.She is talking all the time,

Take the hem in! Ican’t possibly wearthat! I don’t like thoseshoes! These lapelsaren’t big enough!More feathers on thisone! Get me shoes tomatch this one! Bringme some velvet! Thesepearls aren’t bigenough! I want blueshoes to match thisone! Hasn’t anybodygot nice hats? Putthese down to hisexcellency’s account!etc...Fade out to black.

I CARAI CARAI CARAI CARAI CARAVVVVVANANANANANWENDINGWENDINGWENDINGWENDINGWENDING(Sequence 21)(Sequence 21)(Sequence 21)(Sequence 21)(Sequence 21)Fade in.

Sun going down. Aerialview of the city. Caravanwending its way indistance.

Fade to black.

NASRUDIN’SNASRUDIN’SNASRUDIN’SNASRUDIN’SNASRUDIN’SHOUSEHOUSEHOUSEHOUSEHOUSE(Sequence 22)(Sequence 22)(Sequence 22)(Sequence 22)(Sequence 22)Next morning - Nasrudin’shouse overflowing withboxes, bales and bags.Kerima looks out and seesa passing idiot (THEBANANA EATER)

KERIMA:

Where Is Nasrudin?Where Is HisExcellency?

THE BANANA EATER:

Nasrudln? Nasrudinleft yesterday:

KERIMA:

Aaarghhh! The Brute!The Faithless! Shifty!Bearded Brute! I’llCatch Him Up! I’llTeach Him!(to the Banana Eater)

Bring me a CaravanMaster, immediately!Fade,

35

I VIZIERI VIZIERI VIZIERI VIZIERI VIZIERCHANGESCHANGESCHANGESCHANGESCHANGESSIGNSSIGNSSIGNSSIGNSSIGNS(Sequence 23)(Sequence 23)(Sequence 23)(Sequence 23)(Sequence 23)VULTURE:

Pre-dawn light - Wasteland - Forked-road with asipost, one sign pointing toIndia and the other toTibet.

There is a cloud of dustcoming up over the horizonand the Caravan Master/Vizier gallops up, getsdown from his horse!Though still disguised, he isnow moving like Anwar, theGrand Vizier, no longer thebowing and scrapingCaravan Master. He takesdown a basket from thehorse and turns the sign-post so that the sign toIndia is pointing to Tibet.He undoes the basket,pulls out his squawkingvulture and puts him on theTibet sign, thus concealingthe word,

VULTURE:

Clever! Clever! Clack!Clack! CaravanMaster!

VIZIER!

Vulture! Sit there andhide the sign! On noaccount move!

VULTURE:

(nodding)

Arc ...

CARAVAN MASTER/VIZIER:

and that will get rid ofNasrudin’s militaryescort!He then rams a big bone inthe Vulture’s mouth, takesthe reins of his horse andtiptoes behind a nearbyhillock. As he hides, wehear in the distance thesound of drums andmarching troops coming tosight.

Fade.

MINI-MINI-MINI-MINI-MINI-CARACARACARACARACARAVVVVVANANANANANMASTERMASTERMASTERMASTERMASTER(Sequence 24)(Sequence 24)(Sequence 24)(Sequence 24)(Sequence 24)Back at Nasrudin’s house,Kerima is yelling at a tinyscraggy white-beardedman.

KERIMA:

Have you broughtyour donkeys?

TINY MAN:

Yes.

KERIMA:

Load my baggage!(She, then, hits him adozen times)

TINY MAN:

Why did you hit me?

KERIMA:

A fat lot of good itwould do for me to hityou after you’vebroken my luggage!Take me to India!

TINY MAN:

It will cost a hundredgold pieces, madam!

36

KERIMA:

Here’s two pieces ofgold - I will give youthe other two... whenwe get there! Now, nomore of your foolishtalk - load up! Wemust catch my bruteof a husband!She makes a sign to twoterrible servants who, withthe Tiny Man, load her on apoor donkey which sinks tothe ground.

Dissolve.

REFIX SIGNREFIX SIGNREFIX SIGNREFIX SIGNREFIX SIGN(Sequence 25)(Sequence 25)(Sequence 25)(Sequence 25)(Sequence 25)Dissolve to signpost. TheVulture is cackling andleaping up and down onthe Tibet sign-post, whichhe had been hiding.

We see the last ofNasrudin’s advance-guardtroops vanishing down theroad to Tibet, marked‘India’.

The Caravan Master/Vizierzips out, gets hold of theVulture and rams him intohis basket and spins thesign around to its originalposition so that the road toIndia is rightly markedagain.

He, then, loses all trace ofbeing the Vizier andbecomes the mild CaravanMaster/Vizier, gets on hishorse slowly and trots outto the right of the screen,just as Nasrudin comes onthe left with the rest of theCaravan.

THIS LITTLETHIS LITTLETHIS LITTLETHIS LITTLETHIS LITTLEPIGGPIGGPIGGPIGGPIGGYYYYY(Sequence 26)(Sequence 26)(Sequence 26)(Sequence 26)(Sequence 26)Cut to the palanquinpassing. Camera goesinside, revealing the Beastwho is eating sweetmeats,slobbering and gurgling.The Princess takes his footand he giggles,

PRINCESS:

This Little Piggy WentTo Market ... ThisLittle Piggy StayedHome...This Little Piggy HadRoastbeef ... And ThisLittle Piggy Had None...And This Little PiggyWent Wee, Wee,Wee..,Wee, Wee,The Beast is sniggeringand snorting. ThePrincess’s sleeve revealsone more toe each timenow on the same foot.

And This Little PiggyWent To Delhi ... AndThis Little PiggyStayed Home...And This Little PiggyHad Sweetmeats ...And This Little PiggyHad None...

37

And This Little PiggyWas Pretty ... AndThis Little Piggy WasNot...And This Little PiggyWent To India AndSaw The Mad-Holy-Old-Indian-Witch OfBenares Who TurnedHim Back Into APrince!The Beast goes into a fit ofgurgling, chuckling,snorting and clapping(baby noises)

Cut to Nasrudin’s point ofview.

The palanquin is swingingcrazily about all over theplace, waltzing out of theline and back again.Nasrudin, registeringdisgust at the thought ofwhat is going on inside,

MINI -MINI -MINI -MINI -MINI -CARACARACARACARACARAVVVVVANANANANAN(Sequence 27)(Sequence 27)(Sequence 27)(Sequence 27)(Sequence 27)Kerima and the Tiny Manare wending their wayoutside the East Gate. TheTiny Caravan Master is infront, on a donkey weigheddown horribly. Kerima is ina great garishly colouredlitter on top of a largedonkey, Five donkeysfollow behind, stacked tothe top. Kerima isscreaming abuse at theTiny Man.

KERIMA:

Faster! Faster! Get AMove On, Can’t You!Come On! Hurry Up!Pick That Up! YouDropped My Plumes,Silly Old Fool! WhyAre You Making SoMuch Dust? Oh! TheDust! And The Flies!The Flies! Hurry Up!Get A Move On! DoYou Know WhatYou’re Doing? Faster!Faster! Are You SureYou’ve Got MyRobes? Oh! The Dust’Come On! Faster!Fade.

TENTINGTENTINGTENTINGTENTINGTENTINGDOWN IDOWN IDOWN IDOWN IDOWN I(Sequence 28)(Sequence 28)(Sequence 28)(Sequence 28)(Sequence 28)Waste land - Some foliage

NASRUDIN:

We will camp heretonight!

CARAVAN MASTER/ VIZIER:

(bowing and scraping)

Very Well, YourExcellency!(he calls)

Dismount! We CampHere Tonight!Cut to Sycophants

SYCOPHANTS:

Oh Dear! Insects. AndThe Snakes! I Do HopeThey Will Make My TentComfortable!This Camping Is SoUncomfortable AndDangerous!Do You Have To Fay ToCamp Here? I Shan’tSleep A Wink! I Shall BeSo Uncomfortable! WhatAbout My ValuableBelongings?All Will Be Well! TheGuards Will Be AwakeAnd Patrolling All Night!A moving tent comes up in thebackground and we realize it isthe THIEF, stealing everything insight.Fade.

38

WIFEWIFEWIFEWIFEWIFETENTINGTENTINGTENTINGTENTINGTENTINGDOWNDOWNDOWNDOWNDOWN(Sequence 29)(Sequence 29)(Sequence 29)(Sequence 29)(Sequence 29)Different location - Morelush

KERIMA:

(yelling at Tiny Man)

Hurry Up! Get MyTent Up! Fix ItProperly!Are You Sure YouKnow What You’reDoing? Make Sure ItIs On SmoothGround! Bring All MyGoods Into The Tent!Pull back revealing agigantic pink, orange andviolet tent. Next to it is atiny dog-house tatteredand torn old tent.

There is a big hole in theside, so that we can seethe Tiny Man lookingdesperately out.

Keep Moving! WeHaven’t Got AllNight! Hurry Up! WeMust Get Up Early ToCatch My Husband!Go To Sleep! KeepWatch! Stay Alert!Fade.

THETHETHETHETHEREGISTREGISTREGISTREGISTREGISTANANANANANDESERTDESERTDESERTDESERTDESERT(Sequence 30)(Sequence 30)(Sequence 30)(Sequence 30)(Sequence 30)Morning - Nasrudin’scaravan arrives at desertedge. There is a clearlydemarcated line where thesand starts,

This line is covered withsigns like:

‘Welcome To The RegistanDesert’

‘Brigands After Ten Miles’

‘No Water For ThreeHundred Miles - Take OnWater Now’

‘No Water Holes For ThreeHundred Miles’

‘No Litter Please’

‘This Is Your Desert - KeepIt Neat’

(There is a tiny waste-basket full of bones underthis one)

A bunch of vultures sit on asign which reads

‘Luncheon VulturesAccepted Here’

Note:later on, as they getinto the desert, thereshould be a persianizedSmoky the Bear signsaying:

‘Watch Your Cigar-Butts -Forest Fires Cost Lives’

Nasrudin’s caravanwending, wending,wending through swelteringheat.Fade to black.

THETHETHETHETHEBRIGANDSBRIGANDSBRIGANDSBRIGANDSBRIGANDS(Sequence 31)(Sequence 31)(Sequence 31)(Sequence 31)(Sequence 31)Fade in on a tiny spot inthe middle of the emptydesert. The camera does along track -in to a colony oftattered brigands, They sit,hopelessly, stultified, bored,under a tree made ofvulture bones.

They have mocked-upclothes lines made of oldbones and string bits ofburlap sacking for anattempt at shade,

They are the Forty Thieves,thirty years after Ali Babaleft them and went on tobetter things, They areterrible looking andmonstrous, but hopelessand chicken-hearted. Theyhave hoofed-hands, peg-legs, ears stitched onbackwards, dents inheads, horrible scars, eyesmissing, heavily muscled,etc...

They are covered in dustand their clothing is madeof remnants of by-gonedays:half a boot, a third ofa hat, a piece of a sock,something ripped off an oldrobe, all stitched togetherin a hopeless attempt atdignity,

We pan over to ChiefBOOZDIL, the mostaristocratic looking one. Hehas a home-made swordbelt which is an imitation

39

chain of office. He picks up abone, thinks about eating itwhen it crumbles in hishand. He shudders,

CHIEF BOOZDIL:

BrbrblaharghCut to another Brigand,who amuses himself bybuilding up a pile of bones.

Cut to another terriblelooking brigand, who picksup a camel skull, looks at itand slams it into his mouth,grinds it up, swallows andspits out the teeth at hisfriend sitting nearby,

Cut to another brigand,trying to darn what wasonce a sock. He pushesthe string in his eye, butdoes not blink.

Cut to previous Brigand,who has a reasonably highbunch of bones balancingin the air.

(‘sight’ gag)

Cut to a sleeping group,one large Brigandsupported by the heads oftwo fellow-brigands, hispeg-leg acting as a tripod -A fly lands on his head, hesquashes it, but in sodoing puts his hand overthe eyes of one of the otherBgands helping supporthim. The other Brigandtakes the hand off his eyesand, absently, puts it overthe mouth of the top one.The top one’s foot thenfalls on the third Brigand’sshoulder, who moves itaway back into a bent

position, The top Brigandscratches his foot, makinghis own toe then scratchthe neck of the thirdBrigand. The third Brigand,to stop the scratching,reaches back and grabsthe peg-leg of the topBrigand, he pulls it and thegroup starts to collapse,but the top Brigand’s handslowly comes down takingthe weight,

We pull back to see thatthe bone-piling Brigandhas quite a high pile now.

We pan back to the maingroup sitting around,bored, drawing in the sand,day-dreaming, etc”.

As we hear a distant voice,the camera searches in thedirection of the voice, andwe see a tiny dot on thehorizon (simulation of atelephoto lens shot)running frantically forward,but seemingly gettingnowhere,

The voice fades up as hegets closer,

HOOK:

A Caravan! A Caravan!A Caravan!A Caravan! A Caravan!A Caravan! A CaravanIs Coming! There’s ACaravan Coming! ACaravan, I Tell You! ACaravan Is Coming!There’s A CaravanComing! A Caravan! ACaravan!

There’s A CaravanComing! A CaravanIs Coming!(mouth right up close to lensnow)

There’s A Caravan!(he wheels right knockingover the pyramid of bones,which the bone-buildingBrigand is still admiring - andslides into the main group ofBrigands)

A Real Live Caravan! .He catches his hook roundthe central tree made ofbones and spins round it.

A Caravan Is Coming!A Caravan! A Caravan!A Caravan! There’s ACaravan Coming! ACaravan Is Coming!The bone-tree crashesdown and a vulture’s skulllands on his head covering it.

OTHER BRIGANDS:

(Note:all Brigands’ voicesarc Irish)

Hoots of disbelief:

Get Out Of It! Ah!Ah! Very Funny!Come Off It, Hook!Buzz Off! Dah! BuzzCf F! Come On,Hook! We Know!Dah! Tell Us AllAbout It, Hook! VeryFunny! Etc...

HOOK:

No! I Tell You! Chief!Chief! Chief Boozdll!

40

(he grabs Boozdil’s beard)

It Is A Caravan, AReal Live Caravan IsComing!

ONE BRIGAND:

A Caravan?

OTHER BRIGANDS:

A Caravan! Caravan!Dah! Ca-Ra-Van? ACa-Ra-VanDah! Dah...A Caravan ... CaraVan, Cara Van:A Real Live Caravan:(it sinks in)

A REAL LIVECARAVAN!They go mad - They jumpon each other, ride aroundas if on horses, screamingand yelling, pounding eachother on the back.

Pandemonium.

OTHER BRIGANDS:

We’re Rich! Dah!Rich! Horses! Horses!Gold! Gold! Silver!And Jewels! And Rugs!Jewels And Rugs!We’re Rich! Rich!Rich! Silver ... Gold!Jewels! Rugs! Horses!By now they have alldisappeared in a cloud ofdust.

Women!

Women! Women!Women! Women!The dust starts tosettle, as dirty laughsstart.(combing his hair withthe teeth of a skull)Hee! Hee! Hee! Hee!(Stunned)

Dah! What Do WeDo?Dah! What do we donow? Dah! Now whatdo we do? Dah! Whatdo we do? Dah! Whatdo we do now?(grabbing Boozdil’s beardagain)

Dah! Yeah! ChiefBoozdil, What do wedo now?

CHIEF BOOZDIL:

(with great authority)

May I remind you,gentlemen, that whenin doubt...He reaches into an oldgunny sack and pulls out ahuge dusty book. Theother Brigands stare inreligious awe, as if the HolyGrail has been produced.

...consult...(he dusts off the book)

...the brigands’handbook!

OTHER BRIGANDS:

(in admiration of Boozdil andvague recoI!ection of by-gone days)

Dah! Yeah! Yeah!Brigands’ Handbook!Dah! Brigands’Handbook! Dah! IRemember Now ...Brigands’ Handbook!All go into respectfulsilence as Boozdil opensthe book to read.Scorpions, flies, gnats andvarious bugs jump out -there is also a snake whichBoozdiJ grabs and uses asa bookmark. He reads:

CHIEF BOOZDIL:

Ambush! Assault!Arson! Battle! Burnltc! Burglary! CattleRustling! C - Ca -Caravan A... A...Attacks On... Here WeAre In En...(getting excited)

Dah! Dah! Yeah!Yeah! Shh! Shh ! Wait!Shh! Dah! Dah !Shshh ...

CHIEF BOOZDIL:

( reading)

The - Brigands -Will - Take Up -Position BehindA Rock.

41

(they are looking round for arock)

A Rock! A Rock! Dah!A Rock?The camera pans aroundthe empty desert and finallyspies one isolated tinytechnicolour Persian rock.

Right! Take up yourpositions men!There is a terriblestampede, stumbling andfalling, all Brigandsstreaming off towards therock.

Cut to extreme close-up oftechnicolour rock and thecamera pulls backrevealing the forty Brigandswith their heads behind therock, like ostriches. Theirbodies fully revealed spillingout all over the place.

OTHER BRIGANDS:

(groaning and struggling)

Shh! Shh! Dah! BeQuiet! Shut Up! Dah!Shut Up! Groan - Shh!Dab! Quiet Now!Cut to the approachingcaravan - Nasrudin, ridingon his donkey in front,foI!owed by theSycophants, followed bythe Caravan Master/Vizieron his black horse,foI!owed by camels,followed by the Beast andPrincess in the palanquinand average traders,horses, donkeys, chickens,

etc... and at the very end,following at a safe distance, awalking tent. It is obviouslythe THIEF.

Cut to the view behind therock, where the Brigandsare all huddled, headscrushed together and wesee the Chief, still with thehandbook.

CHIEF BOOZDIL:

(reading)

The - Brigands - Will -Attack - At _ The -Sound - Of - A -Trumpet...

One Brigand climbs up ontop of the rock, absolutelytattered and terrible. Hehas an equally tattered andterrible trumpet, bent, witha piece of old sackinghanging from it in shreds;he makes a hopeless airyblast, with spiders,scorpions, flies and gnatsleaping out of the cloud ofdust.

There is, then, atremendous scuffle as thewhole pack of Brigandsappear from behind therock in a blurr, crea tingclouds of dust.

We now observe thescene fromNasrudin’s point ofview.Nasrudin pulls up, the dustcloud settles revealing ChiefBoozdil’s men in some sort

of military line, with Boozdilstanding in front, with a tattyflag and with one hand on hissheathed sword. Stern andaggressive, he pauses for amoment, then, suddenlyruns over to the book,looks for some instructions,The snake, still in the book,nods, and Boozdil rushesback to his former positionand shouts)

Halt! I Am ChiefBoozdil And This IsMy Band Of Brigands!We Are Terrible!Pan down the line of horridlooking Brigands.

Merciless! Cruel!Sadistic! And Vicious!And We Are TheScourge Of TheCountryside!There is an enormous pull-back showing an aerialview of the uninhabiteddesert. Nothing in sight.

Cut back to Chief Boozdilin close-up.

The Whole CcuntryTrembles At TheThought Of Us ! IDemand That YouHand Over YourPossessions Or Be PutTo The Sword.Cut to Nasrudin, stunned.

42

Cut to Caravan Master/Vizier, sniggering at thethought of Nasrudin’ssabotaged sword.

NASRUDIN:

(deciding to fight)

Very Well!He spurs his donkeyforward, but it won’t go.Then he pulls out hissword, which is sawn-off atthe hilt. There is a momentof tension and we cut tothe Caravan Master/Vizier,cackling with delight.

Cut to tbe Sycophants,also cackling with delight.

Cut to Chief Boozdil whopulls out his sword, whichis also sawn off at the hilt.

OTHER BRIGANDS:

But you are one of us!All the Brigands draw theirswords, which are alsobroken-off at the hilt, somehalf hanging off, some splitdown the middle, somehave just forks, bits of oldstring, old sticks, etc ...

Dah! One Of Us! HeIs One Of Us! Dah !One Of Us! Dah! He’sLike Us! He Must BeOne Of Us!

NASRUDIN:

(to Chief Boozdil)

Let’s talk this over.

BoozdiI, pleased at thethought of a summitconference.

OTHER BRIGANDS

Dahhh!Nasrudin snaps his fingers,gets down off his donkcyand the Sycophants nowsiding with Nasrudin comerushing up, unrolling aPersian carpet and theyplace two bolsters on top.Nasrudin sits down andreclines against them.

Chief Boozdil,embarrassed, snaps hisfingers in an extravagantmanner, but his fingerswon’t snap. Two hopelessBrigands rush out andunroll a filthy flour sack andthen crouch downthemselves on the sack soas to make a support forthe Chief. The Chief sitsdown.

NASRUDIN:

(formally)

Chief Boozdil...

CHIEF BOOZDIL:

Not Boozdil, Booozdil!Chief Booozdil!

NASRUDIN:

Chief Booozdll, I AmNasrudin .

CHIEF BOOZDIL:

Nasrudin ?The MooolahNasrudin!Mooolah Nasrudin!

NASRUDIN:

Chief Booozoll, youare obviouslyextremely cruel...(Brigands look cruel)

Sadistic...(they look sadistic)

Terrible...(they look terrible)

Merciless...(they look merciless)

And Vicious...(they look vicious)

You must certainly bethe scourge of thecountryside! Yet... youdon’t seem to be doingvery well...

CHIEF BOOZDIL:

(self-conscious)

Well, actually, it hasnot been too goodlately ...(patting the ground)

Since ali baba left us...(nostalgic now)

In fact, this is the firstcaravan we’ve seen forthirty years ...but, itwas all different longago,

43

(muttering to themselves,drawing in the sand,looking up to heaven,reminiscing)

Yeah! Different! Longago it used to bedifferent! It wasdifferent then! Yeah!It used to be different!Dah! Different, then!Dah ! Etc...Caravans aren’t whatthey used to be! Doyou know, long ago,there were caravanswith gold ! And jewels!Times have changed!(great nodding of heads.Sadness)

Dah! Changed! Yeah!Times have changed !Things aren’t whatthey were! Changed!Changed! Dah!Changed! etc...But, those days, theywill come again.(to nasrudin)

Won’t they?

NASRUDIN:

My friends, whydon’t you come withme? I will take you toricher pastures... toIndia!

OTHER BRIGANDS:

India? Dah! India?India! To India! Dah!Richer Pastures! Dah!To India! India!India! Etc...There Will Be RichAnd Glorious PickingsIn India!Glorious Pickings!Glorious Pickings!Dah! Rich AndGlorious Pickings!Dab! In India ! Dah!Etc...

NASRUDIN:

And the Indians areno match for men ofyour martial qualities!They dust themselvesdown in pride.

Chief Boozdil, JoinMy Caravan!

CHIEF BOOZDIL:

You are right! 0Mooolah Nasrudin,we have outgrown theslim pickings of thiswaste land! We arenow ready for the richpastures of India!Let’s go then! Saddleup! Let’s go!

OTHER BRIGANDS:

(copying)

Let’s Go Then! SaddleUp! Saddle Up !Saddle Up! Let’s Go!(he realizes they have nohorses)

Let’s Go Then! Dah!Saddle Up! Dah! Let’sgo! Dah! Let’s GoThen! Dah! SaddleUp! Dah! Let’s Go!Let’s Go Then! Dah !Saddle Up! Saddle Up! Saddle Up !They stumble aroundhopelessly and suddenlythey spot the mountedSycophants and they startto grin and to nudge eachother, with dirty laughs asthey approach the terrifiedSycophants on theirgorgeously adornedhorses.

Fade to black.

44

VULVULVULVULVULTURES ATURES ATURES ATURES ATURES ATTTTTSIGNSIGNSIGNSIGNSIGN(sequence 32)(sequence 32)(sequence 32)(sequence 32)(sequence 32)Fade in. The sign-posts atthe Registan Desert edge.Noon - Hot sun. Twovultures sitting on theLuncheon Vultures’ sign-post, We hear Kerimabellowing away in thedistance and we see a tinycloud of dust approaching,Kerima’s voice gettinglouder and louder.

KERIMA:

Keep moving! Faster!Get a move on ! Hurryup! We’re losing time!Come on! Come on !We have to get toDelhi! We have tocatch up Nasrudin !Hurry! Hurry! Are yousure you know theway? You won’t getyour money, youknow! Faster! Faster!We’ll never get thereat this rate! Hurry up!Do you know whatyou’re doing? Get amove on! We’re losingtime! Faster! Hurry!Come on .. Come on!As the voice gets louder andlouder and the cloud of dustgets closer and closer, theVultures get more and moreuneasy until they finally panicand fly away, vaaishing into thedistance.Fade.

OASISOASISOASISOASISOASIS(Sequence 33)(Sequence 33)(Sequence 33)(Sequence 33)(Sequence 33)Fade in - Evening - Classicoasis, palm trees, Crescentmoon, tents, pool of waterin the centre of palm

Camera tracks intoBrigands sleeping at edgeof pool, more or less in thesame positions they werein when we first met them,except that now they arewearing Sycophants’clothing, ripped up thecentre, torn open, beautifulbreeches split in two,boots split three ways toget them on their feet, theodd ring driven intoBrigand’s ear, etc...

Camera pans to a movingtent in the background. Wesee a saddle disappear intoit. It is the THIEF. The tentcontinues moving along,looting, and suddenly sinksinto the water hole.

Cut to the bottom of thepool. We see the tentsitting there as a knife cutsthrough the canvassfrantically, revealing theThief pinned down with hissto1en loot, which isstrapped to his body... Ashe frantically tries to cuthimself loose, we cut to thetop of the pool withbubbles popping on thesurface and pan across toNasrudin, who is beingapproached by an honesttraveller/trader.

HONEST TRAVELLER/TRADER:

Nasrudin, somethingseems to havehappened to our foodsupplies. We will haveto go on to ouremergency rations.

NASRUDIN:

Very well.Cut to interior of CaravanMaster/Vizier’s tent. TheCaravan Master/Vizier issitting in front of atremendous table spreadwith fish and game, roastlegs of lamb, pheasant,sweets, cakes. Lusheverything. Round thewalls, stacked up to thetent roof are huge boxeslabelled:‘Tongue’’Pheasant’‘Assorted Game’ ‘Halva’‘Turkish Delight’ ‘LambCutlets’ ‘Prime Beef’ ‘BestBiscuits’

CARAVAN MASTER/VIZIER:

‘Sugar’ ‘Butter’ ‘Tea’‘Coffee’ ‘Cake’ ‘Soup’‘Caviar’.The Sycophants arestanding, looking on,slavering a bit. They havelost about half of theirclothes by now and theyclutch what is left in asemblance of dignity.

45

CARAVAN MASTER/VIZIER:

(pheasant’s leg in his hand,rolling it slowly and lookingat it)

My plans are goingwell.(takes a small bite)

My friends, join me inmy simple meal.(he throws them a leg ofpheasant with two bitesout of it - their share.Camera holds onSycophants, slobberingand snatching at it,knashing, while bowingand scrapIng and smilingat the Caravan Master/Vizier.

The Caravan Master/Vizierslowly picks off a wing,regards it - he has all thetime in the world. Cut backto the Sycophantsknashing and slobbering.

Fade to black.

PORTPORTPORTPORTPORTBANDERABASBANDERABASBANDERABASBANDERABASBANDERABAS(Sequence 34)(Sequence 34)(Sequence 34)(Sequence 34)(Sequence 34)Fade in - Nasrudin’ scaravan comes over a hilland sees the Indian Ocean,broad and beautiful,spread out below.

CARAVAN MASTER/VIZIER:

(to Nasrudin)

Excellency, BeholdThe Indian 0cean !The Sycophants all fallabout.

SYCOPHANTS:

The Indian Ocean!How Beautiful! HowImmense And Breath-Taking! What AMarvellous Sight! TheMoney You CouldMake If You Had AGuest House Here!What Splendour!What Colour!(bowing and scraping)

Is It Not A Magnifi-cent View, YourExcellency?Yes, What A Delight!But If Only... IfOnly...(more bowing andscraping)

If Only What, 0 GreatAmbassador?If Only They Had NotPut Water Into It!

Dissolve to dockside. Thecaravan loading on to ahuge ratty looking ship.The entire scene is tatty,the town and people areamorphous and tatty . Thisscene is very similar to theEast Gate scene, but witha nautical flavour.

PEDDLERS:

Amulets! Charms!Anti-Whale Talismans!Sea-Serpent Averters!Typhoon Insurance!Ropes, life-belts, life-rafts.Great big fellows withCHORUS OF TRADERSAND SYCOPHANTS ‘:

‘LEARN TO SWIM HERE’signs, acrobats, jugglers,weight-lifters, wrestlers,snake-charmers,swordswallowers, fire-eaters, the same terribletart dancing women, belly-dancing in the dust, butnow somehow in nauticaldress.

Fire-eater with a bowl ofmoney at this feet; peoplethrowing coins in the bowl.The THIEF nips it.

Cut to Thief, in full picture,snickering. A stream of firecomes in from the left.Woof:The Thief, black like acinder, only hissmouldering trousers left,his cloak having burnt off, allhis stolen goods are hangingvisible.

46

Chorus of:

My Purse! My Watch!There Are My Shoes!He Is The One WhoStole My Saddle!There’s My MoneyBags!They all converge on theThief, bashing him.

All loading up into ship -Visual gags with Brigands,camels, donkeys, horses,supplies ready to depart.

Fade out.

WIFE ANDWIFE ANDWIFE ANDWIFE ANDWIFE ANDBONES IBONES IBONES IBONES IBONES I(Sequence 35)(Sequence 35)(Sequence 35)(Sequence 35)(Sequence 35)Fade in on the desertedBrigands’ encampment.Bones lying all about.

Cloud of dust appears onthe horizon and Kerimaand her mini-caravan shootthrough the centre ofcamp.

Bones fly everywhere. Theaction is all sped up fromabout 30 revs. to 40 revs.

KERIMA:

Hurry up! Get a moveon! Pay attention!Keep moving! We’llnever catch up at thisrate! Faster! Pick upyour heels! Come cn,come on! Don’t day-dream! Wake up!Hurry up! Keep going!Faster! Faster! Wemust catch upNasrudin! Come on !Get moving !We haven’t got forever!Fade.

VVVVVOOOOOYYYYYAAAAAGEGEGEGEGE(Sequence 36)(Sequence 36)(Sequence 36)(Sequence 36)(Sequence 36)Moonlight on sea. Calm. TheBrigands are asleep in similarpositions again - this time theyhave about two thirds of theSycophants’ clothing crushedon to their bodies.

Camera pans up to classicsilhouette of the Beast and thePrincess against the moon.She is cuddling him and he isgurgling.

PRINCESS:

Look at the beautifulmoon, the moonbeautiful? darling!isn’t-

BEAST:

(interrupting)

And useful though...the moon is moreuseful than the sun.

PRINCESS:

Why?

BEAST:

Because, at night, weneed the light more.More visual devices andgags. The Caravan Master/Vizier sea-sick. The THIEFnipping from port-hole toport-hole. The Sycophantsnow wearing the discardedclothes of the Brigands.

HONEST TRAVELLER:

(to Nasrudin)

Is that a stormbrewing?

47

The storm immediately hitsthem. Ship being tossedabout. Terrible typhoon.People shouting.Sycophants screaming, ontheir knees praying andbabbling.

SYCOPHANTS:

We’ll be good! Wewon’t lie or cheatanymore, we promise,we promise! I’ll builda mosque !I’ll spend ninety piecesof gold - a hundredmaybe! Save us, 0Lord! Don’t let usdrown!We’re too young todie! Etc...Nasrudin is standing by,absolutely calm. TheCaptain comes up andsays to Nasrudin,

CAPTAIN:

Mulla. you are adevout man, youshould be prayingwith the others.

NASRUDIN:

I am only a passenger.everything pertainingto the safety of thisship is your concern,not mine!(to Sycophants)

Friends, do not maketoo many unnecessarypromises. I think I seeland.

All leap up.

SYCOPHANTS:

Land! Land !Land! We’re saved! Itell you land, we’resaved! Etc...Dissolve.

Cut to Vulture,

VULTURE:

Because... Clack!Clack:

VIZIER:

The failure of hismission...Cut to Vulture, terriblyexcited,

VULTURE:

Failure of hismission... ark... clack!Failure of hismission...Anwar smacks his vultureacross the face with abejewelled hand. TheVulture, physically hurt, butstill on Anwar’s shouldersticks his tongue out atAnwar when he is notlooking.

VIZIER:

(continuing)

Which... I shallarrange... willimprove my statureand make warinevitable!Vulture, cackling, goes madagain.

VULTURE:

Inevitable! Inevitable!Clack! Clack!Anwar raises his hand,threatening to hit himagain, Vulture pulls back,

VIZIER:

And there is nothinglike a good war to linemy pockets with gold(his eyes turn gold)Cut to Vizier’s eye-view ofhis sycophants, craningforward.

VIZIER:

You will, of course,receive a mostadequate recompensefor your loyalty to me!

48

KARACHIKARACHIKARACHIKARACHIKARACHI(Sequence 37)(Sequence 37)(Sequence 37)(Sequence 37)(Sequence 37)Dissolve in as the boat hasarrived at an equally tattyport, exactly the same asBanderabas, except all thepeople are dark. In fact weuse the same animationbut everyone is dark-skinned,

Dancers, jugglers, snake-charmers, sword-swallowers, fire-eaters,etc...

PEDDLERS:

Charms! Amulets!Cobra A Verters!Snakebite Potion!Monkey-Bite Cures!Tiger Averters! Anti-Gorilla Charms!There is a ratty sign over thetatty port, saying ‘WELCOMETO KARACHI-GA TEWAY TOINDIA’. There are monkeys onthe sign and monkeysabound, as they do from nowon everywhere we go in India,Some Brigands are beingunloaded cargolike in hugenets. Sycophants are beingcarried off very much theworse for wear.

The palanquin is beingescorted to shore,donkeys, camels etc ...

As the THIEF is getting off onthe gang-plank, a hugeship’s anchor slips out of

his cloak, slides over andpulls him down to the seabottom.

Cut to the sea bed as he isfrantically trying to cuthimself loose from theanchor.

Dissolve to outsideKarachi, as the caravan ismarching past.

A large sign covered withchattering monkeys says:‘This Is Quite Positively TheWay To The Court Of TheNoble Mogul Of India’

Camera goes ahead toanother sign saying‘EMPEROR OF INDIA andahead to another ‘PEARLOF THE EAST’,

another ‘JEWEL OF THEORIENT’, ‘RULER OF THEWORLD’

another ‘USES’ ,

another ‘BURMO SHAVINGCREAM’ .

Camera goes ahead to afinal sign which is a hugepotrait of the heavilybearded Mogul (Assyrianringlets) holding theproduct’SMOOTH’ ‘COOL’‘REFRESHING’.

Dissolve.

WIFE AWIFE AWIFE AWIFE AWIFE ATTTTTBANDERABASBANDERABASBANDERABASBANDERABASBANDERABAS(Sequence 38)(Sequence 38)(Sequence 38)(Sequence 38)(Sequence 38)Dissolve in amorphous,deserted dockside,harbour. Across the picturecomes a rowing boat, piledup one end with boxes,bales, bags, sevendonkeys strapped on. Thisheavy end of the boat isalmost in water and Kerimais yelling up at her TinyMan, who is perched up onthe prow, which is way upin the air. He is rowingfrantically, his oars hardlytouching the water, he is sohigh up.

KERlMA:One! Out! Two! Out!One! Out! Two! Out!One! Out! Two! Out!One! Out! Two! Out!One! Out! Two! Out!Fade to black.

49

HIPPIEHIPPIEHIPPIEHIPPIEHIPPIEENCAMPMENTENCAMPMENTENCAMPMENTENCAMPMENTENCAMPMENT(Sequence 39)(Sequence 39)(Sequence 39)(Sequence 39)(Sequence 39)Fade in to early” evening -Very lush foliage

Nasrudin’s caravan ismarching along. The stylehas now changed fromPersian miniature to Indianminiature.

There is a long shot ofpillars of lazy smoke in themiddle distance.

We hear indistinct musicand drumming, droningindianish.

CARAVAN MASTER/VIZIER:

(bowing and scraping)

Excellency, shall wespend the night withthese other travellersencamped yonder?

NASRUDIN:

Very Well.They march towardencampment. As theyapproach noise getslouder. They go over a risewhich gives way to HippyEncampment. Eyeball toEyeball.

It is all happening. Classicway-out Hippies smokingpot, hookahs and ordinarycigarettes. Burningincense, covered in beads,iron crosses, old uniforms,temple bells, tiny gongs,tablas, drones, guitars,sitars. People all wandering

round. ~ Men, women.Some sitting down, somesnogging. Some of themare caressing and beingcaressed by gorillas.

CHIEF HIPPY:

(rides up, sitting on donkey)

Good Evening,Gentlemen.(long, thin and gangling,covered in hair and beads.Mind really blown, hisfingers constantlysnapping. Snap SnapSnap.

Like, good evening,man...come resonate...with us man... bringyour friends, man ...come participate:

NASRUDIN:

Participate... in what?

CHIEF HIPPY:

(constantly snapping -twitching)

Man, like... it’s a lotuslove-in, man:

NASRUDlN:

(mild question... for infornntion)

Are some of yourcompanions not.gorillas?

CHIEF HIPPY:

(fingers snapping)

Like, man, this is alove-in with no racialbarriers, man! Like,they’re kinda hairy,man.We don’t ask noquestions, man.....we’re not racists ! Wedig each other, man!we ......(arms fly out)

Communicate!! !(Mick Jagger’s voice)

Song starts at the triggerword. Immediately all getup from their snoggingetc... and go into a sort ofMr. Interlocutor shimmyand shake. They ring theirbells.

CHORUS;

Communicate!Communicate! Like -We Communicate!

CHIEF HIPPY:

Participate’ Anticipate!Like, Man ! WeCommunicate’

CHORUS:

Communicate !Communicate!

CHIEF HIPPY:

Resonate! Infiltrate!Like, Man! WeCommunicate !

50

CHORUS:

Communicate!Communicate! Like -We Communicate !

CHIEF HIPPY:

Exasperate! Inebriate!Like - Yeah ! WeCommunicate!

CHORUS:

Communicate!Communicate! Like -We Communicate!

CHIEF HIPPY:

Demonstrate! Evaciate! Like - Zap! WeCommunicate!

CHORUS:

Communicate!Communicate ! Like -We CommunicateSlow motion man - mindblown - pans throughdancing in slow motion -All others in normal motion.

CHIEF HIPPY:

Degenerate!Abominate ! Like -Pow! We Communi-cate!

CHORUS:

Communicate!Communicate! Like -We Communicate!

CHIEF HIPPY:

Gravitate! AndEmulate! Like - Wow!We Communicate!

CHORUS:

Communicate!Communicate! Like -We Communicate !

CHIEF HIPPY:

Vascillate ! AndFluctuate! Like - Bam !We Communicate!

CHORUS:

Communicate!Communicate ! Like -We Communicate!

CHIEF HIPPY:

Abberate! AndDessicate! Like - How!We Communicate!

CHORUS:

Communicate!Communicate! Like -We Communicate !

CHIEF HIPPY:

Emigrate! AndMeditate! Like - Now!We Communicate !Manifestly female gorillacarries Chief Hippy off intobushes. Him snapping andnodding throughout.

CHORUS:

Communcate!Communicate! Like -We Communicate!! !(song end)

ASSORTED HIPPIES:~

All fizzles out.

Yeah Yeah Yeah ManYeah Daddy Oh Yeah~ Beautiful, Beautiful,Like It’s Cool, ManLike Now, Zap! Oh!Man There’s GoodGrass Here Man.Love, Don’t Hate,Man ! Be Cool, ManBe Free Man ! Be RealMan!We’re Tripping Man!We’re Really SpacedOut Man!We’re Wrecked, Man!Like - Wow,Commune, Man DoYour Thing Man !

They stumble and fall andwander back to theirslobbering. Slow motionman pans back throughthe other way.

NASRUDIN:

(to Caravan Master/Vizier -there is a river in middistance background)

I think we shouldcamp... ... on theother side of the river...... in case our snoresshould disturb thistranquil scene...Fade to black.

51

WIFE INWIFE INWIFE INWIFE INWIFE INSTORMSTORMSTORMSTORMSTORM(Sequence 40)(Sequence 40)(Sequence 40)(Sequence 40)(Sequence 40)Fade in - Kerima and hertiny boat man rowingstraight into a similar stormas to Nasrudin’s.

KERIMA:

(bellowing)

One! Out! Two! Out!One! Out! Two ! Out!One! Out! Two! Out!One! Out! Two! Out!One! Out! Two! Out!One! Out! Two! Out!The storm hits and shecontinues, unphased, asthe storm rages.

Fade to biack.

POLPOLPOLPOLPOLO GAMEO GAMEO GAMEO GAMEO GAME(Sequence 41)(Sequence 41)(Sequence 41)(Sequence 41)(Sequence 41)Fade in - Nasrudin’ scaravan going throughbeantifuI lush, green Indianhills.

At tile end of the caravan,following at a safedistance, is the THIEF,rather the worse for wear.

Suddenly, a glittering whiteball rolls past him andcomes to a stop.Entranced, he runstowards it. He reaches topick it up and Pow:it is apolo game

The Thief is caught with theball by two teams of NorthIndian horsemen. A visualsequence follows as hedesperately tries to getaway from the ball, buteverywhere he goes theball follows him, in caves,beh ind trees, in clefts,holes, up mountains.

We leave hin1 beingdestroyed by both sides.

Note:the thundering horsesand all this should be donein classic mogul miniaturestyle - all very beautiful andgreen.

Fade out.

DESERTDESERTDESERTDESERTDESERTSONGSONGSONGSONGSONG(Sequence 42)(Sequence 42)(Sequence 42)(Sequence 42)(Sequence 42)Fade in - Nasrudin’sevening encampment by ariver.

Extremely beautiful - Earlytwilight. The Brigands arelolling about, in similarpositions to previous, butnow they are fully dressedin the Sycophants’clothing. The Sycophantsare huddling together forwarmth near a camp fire.They are now fully dressedin the Brigands’ clothing,The Caravan Master/Vizieris intact, resting against hislarge black horse.

Camera goes towards thePrincess with a lute, whichshe is strumming verymusically.

Song starts ‘WHEN THESUN COMES SHININGRIGHT THROUGH’ - This islike the ‘Desert Song’‘THERE’S A PLACEBENEATH THE SUN FORALL’.

PRINCESS:

(soliloquy with lute)

Beauty is only skindeep,

BEAST:

Urg, Urg, Urg,

PRINCESS:

It fades like theflowers in the fall,

52

BEAST

Yeth !

PRINCESS:

But true hearts thatknow one another willtriumph and win overall!

PRINCESS:

Ug! Ug! Urg! Yeth!Song . RIGHT NOW THEWORLD IS KEEPING USAPART,

BEAST:

But soon we’ll betogether, heart to heart,we’ll build a - homejust for twofor me, dear -sweetheart and you.2 PART BARITONEHARMONY

PRINCESS;

BEAST:

BARITONES & OTHERCAMPFIRE PEOPLEJOINING IN:

CAGED VULTURE:

ALL:

PRINCESS:

(Others chording under)

ALL:

Her two Errol Flynn menjoin in - marvellousbaritones.

When - the - sun -comes-shining rightthrough!

Unlock the magicspell that makes ussad,Across the sands we’llfind the witch who’smadShe’ll make us happyand glad, she’ll help uscast off the bad!00000000!When - the - sun -comes shining rightthrough!We will gather lilacs inthe spring, build acastle where the birdsdo sing,rack, rack!when the witch sees usthrough and makes aprince out of you!All campfire includingBrigands join in -Harmony:

When the sun comesshining right thrcugh!We will have a lovelycosy nest,Where we lay ourheads to dream andrestA patter of tiny feetOh! it will all be sosweetWhen - the - suncomes (wait for it)shining right through!

WHOLE CHORUS NOW:

Right now the worldis keeping us apartbut soon we’ll betogether heart toheart!we’ll build a home justfor twofor me, dearsweetheart, and you.when the sun comesshining rightthrough!‘.Full campfire continue allblasting away.

Nasrudin, who can’t standit says to the CaravanMaster/ Vizier,

NASRUDIN:

I’m going to meditatefor a while... I may beaway a day or so -don’t leave before Ireturn.

CARAVAN MASTER/VIZIER:

(bowing and scraping)

Your Wish Is MyCommand, 0Excellency:Nasrudin walks alongsidethe river leaving the songstill blasting away.

53

YOGIYOGIYOGIYOGIYOGI(Sequence 43)(Sequence 43)(Sequence 43)(Sequence 43)(Sequence 43)Dissolve in as Nasrudincomes across an increrlibIyold emaciated Yogi,standing on his head by atranquil pool.

NASRUDIN:

(to himself)

Surely a devoutphilosopher like memust have somethingin common with thissaintly individual:To the Yogi, who is stillupside-down.

NASRUDIN:

My dear friend, may Iknow the purpose ofyour manifestlyecstatic exercise?Camera swings round toshow the Yogi as if he isright side up, with Nasrudinstanding upside-down.

YOGI:

I am a yogi! I amdedicated to theservice of all livingthings... especiallybirds and fish.Camera swings round toshow Nasrudin standingright side up, with the Yogiupside-down.

NASRUDIN:”

Pray, allow me to joinyou for as I hadsuspected we havesomething incommon. I amstrongly attracted toyour sentiments...because a fish oncesaved my life!Camera swings round -Yogi as if right side up,Nasrudin upside -down.

YOGI:

How pleasurablyremarkable! I shall bedelighted to admit youto my company. for allmy years of devotion tothe cause of animals, Ihave never yet beenprivileged to attain suchintimate communionwith them as you -saved your life! Thisamply substantiate ourdoctrine that all theanimal kingdom isinterlinked.Camera swings round toshow Yogi upside-downand Nasrudin right side up.

YOGI:

Please, freelyaccommodate yourselfbeside me.Nasrudin stands on hishead and they go into aseries of difficult positionsdissolving in and out toindicate the passage of time.

Camera now upside-downso that Nasrudin and theYogi both appear to be rightside up hanging from theearth as if it is the ceiling.

YOGI:

Now, if you feel able,now we are betteracquainted, tocommunicate to meyour supremeexperience with thelife-saving fish, Iwould be more thanhonoured ...Nasrudin, tired and fed up.

NASRUDIN:”

I am not so sure aboutthat...Camera swings round sothat the Yogi is upside-down and Nasrudinpainfully gets right side up.

NASRUDIN:

Now that I have heardmore of your ideas.He dusts himself down.The Yogi falls to the groundin front of Nasrudin.

YOGI:

But, master! master! Ibeseech you! I imploreyou! I abase myselfbefore you!He throws dust in his face,

Impart to me the secretof the life-saving fish!

54

NASRUDIN:

(completely fed up)

Since you insist, thefish did save my life. Iwas starving at thetime and I lived on itfor three days!He walks away leaving theYogi collapsing in the dust.

Dissolve to Nasrudin, backat the campfire, shouting,

All right, every-body!Saddle up! Let’s getout of here!

CARAVAN MASTER/VIZIER:

(bowing and scraping)

Yes, Your Excellency...As You Command,Your Excellency ~(he calls out)

Saddle Up! Saddle Up!On To The ImperialCity Of Delhi.Fade to black.

WIFE AWIFE AWIFE AWIFE AWIFE ATTTTTHIPPIE CAMPHIPPIE CAMPHIPPIE CAMPHIPPIE CAMPHIPPIE CAMP(Sequence 44)(Sequence 44)(Sequence 44)(Sequence 44)(Sequence 44)Fade in - Hippie Camp -The scene is exactly asbefore. Hippies snogging,sitars droning etc...

A cloud of dustapproaches on the horizonand Kerima and her mini -caravan hit the camp like atornado going through.

Pandemonium.

Trees snapped off in herpath. Her action all spedup: 30 to 45 revs.

KERIMA:

Get A Move On!Hurry Up! Catch UpWith Nasrudin! KeepMoving! Not FastEnough!We’ll Never Catch Up!I Knew You Didn’tKnow Your Job! KeepGoing ! You Sure YouKnow The Way?Faster! Are Hurry Up !Get Going! We’llNever Catch Up LikeThis! Faster! HurryUp! We’re LosingTime! Are You SureThis Is The Way ToDelhi? Come On!Come On! We’reWasting Time! Hurry!She vanishes away in thedistance. Across her pathof wreckage and

bewildered hippies, the slowmotion Hippy passesthrough again (use thesame animation).

55

THIEF ANDTHIEF ANDTHIEF ANDTHIEF ANDTHIEF ANDFUR RUGFUR RUGFUR RUGFUR RUGFUR RUG(Sequence 45)(Sequence 45)(Sequence 45)(Sequence 45)(Sequence 45)Nasrudin’s caravan passesbeautiful miniature palace.

Cut to the edge of thepalace wall and the THIEFpokes his head over abunch of bamboo trees.He comes out on bamboostilts and shuffles along thewall edge. He suddenlysees a tall thin Prince lyingon a huge fur rug on apavilion.

The Prince is looking atjewels in a box. He closesthe box and goes to sleepwith the box beside himright in the middle of the furrug.

The Thief, commando-style, climbs down vines,crawls on his belly acrossthe pavilion, up the stepsinto the rug and surfacesbeside the jewel-box. Hegrabs the jewelbox, checksto see that the jewels arestill in it and turns toescape. Then, at the edgeof the fur rug, encirclinghim, huge dogs’ headsraise up. In fact, the rug ismade of huge dogs,bottom to bottom, makinga circle.

Cut to the outside of thebeautiful miniature palace.We hear horrid rendingnoises.

OUTSIDEOUTSIDEOUTSIDEOUTSIDEOUTSIDEDELHIDELHIDELHIDELHIDELHI(Sequence 46)(Sequence 46)(Sequence 46)(Sequence 46)(Sequence 46)Fade in - They sight theminarets of Delhi

CARAVAN MASTER/VIZIER:

Behold, YourExcellency... TheMinarets Of TheImperial City OfDelhi!(bowing and scraping)

May I Suggest WeCamp Here TonightAnd Enter The CityTomorrow - InTriumph!

NASRUDIN:

Very well.The Caravan Master/Viziergoes away, chucklingsilently to himself.

Dissolve.

CARACARACARACARACARAVVVVVANANANANANMASTER’SMASTER’SMASTER’SMASTER’SMASTER’STENTTENTTENTTENTTENT(Sequence 47)(Sequence 47)(Sequence 47)(Sequence 47)(Sequence 47)The Caravan Master/Vizieris eating pheasant andgrapes etc... , the nowhopelessly tatteredSycophants all around

CARAVAN MASTER/VIZIER:

Triumph? ... Nasrudinenter in triumph?!He laughs.

CAGED VULTURE:

sniggering,Cackle, Cackle! Clack!Clack!

CARAVAN MASTER/ .VIZIER:

throws a half-eaten leg to aSycophant, who picks it upfrom the dust and eats itwith happy smiling, etc...

With his trunk full ofmud? Cackle! Cackle!

CHIEF SYCOPHANT:

laughs horridly, waving hischewed bone,

And not knowing theright court etiquette!All laugh hysterically

OTHER SYCOPHANT:

Using the wrong titles!All roar and cackle.

56

ANOTHER SYCOPHANT:

(hysterical)

And riding on histatty donkey into thepresence of the GreatMogul of India!They all cackle hystericallyand the Caravan Master/Vizier throws another legand bits of food to theSycophants, who scramblein the dust for it.

As they are still laughinghysterically, the Vulturebites the leg of the worst-off Sycophant.

CARACARACARACARACARAVVVVVANSANSANSANSANSDIVERGEDIVERGEDIVERGEDIVERGEDIVERGE(Sequence 48)(Sequence 48)(Sequence 48)(Sequence 48)(Sequence 48)Fade in - Morning - Bigencampment - Firesburning _ People packingup.

Cut to the palanquin withthe Princess peeping out.There is an Indian guide,carrying a mocked-upsandwich-board, whichsays ‘Guided Tours of Delhiand local points of interest’

PRINCESS:

Can you guide us tothe sanctuary of theMad Holy-Old-Indian-Witch ofBenares?

GUlDE:

Indubitably! Notonly will I guide youto the sanctuary of theMad-Holy-Old-Indian-Witch ofBenares, but I willguide you to thesanctuary of the Mad-Holy-Old-Indian-Witch of Benares.Cut to a top shot of the maincaravan going off to Delhiand the palanquin diverging;going off to the left, headingfor the mountains in thedistance.

DELHIDELHIDELHIDELHIDELHIPPPPPALAALAALAALAALACECECECECE(Sequence 49)(Sequence 49)(Sequence 49)(Sequence 49)(Sequence 49)Camera going through thegateway into Delhi city.Groups lining the route.

Camera goes through wallsinto Palace, into thecourtroom. The Mogul Kingis lolling on a throne,surrounded by courtiersand women painting histoes, fanning him anddropping grapes into hismouth. He is lying on themin fact, the throne almostappears to be made up ofvoluptuous dusky maidens.

Courtiers look on, hungry.This is interrupted byPARATA, calling,

PARATA:

0, Great And Noble Mogul- Emperor Of India! YourGrand Vizier, Parata, begsAudience.

Mogul, bored, looking upfrom his activities, beckonsParata to enter.

Parata comes in, bowingand scraping and kissingthe ground, throwinginvisible dust on his face,approaching the throne. Hegets up to the threshold ofthe throne, still kissing theground and gives aperfunctory kiss to what hethinks is the Mogul’s foot,but which is one of thegirls’ feet. Parata sees it is

57

a woman and gives it the fulltreatment, working his wayup the leg.

The Mogul has a sceptre,lolling back in one of hishands and he slugs Parataon the head.

PARATA:

staggering back from thethrone,

Ooooh ! ..... 0 GreatAnd Noble Mogul !Your Blow HasEnnobled Poor Parata,Your Grand Vizier:The Mogul just looks at himand resumes his attentionsto the ladies.

During all this, negro slavesare carrying enormousplates above their headsand place them down infront of the Mogul,revealing fat, voluptuouswomen on the trays. TheMogul feels their flesh as ifhe was feeling the fruit orpressing the cheese. Whenhis finger really sinks in, henods ‘YES’.

PPPPPARAARAARAARAARATTTTTAAAAASONGSONGSONGSONGSONG(Sequence 50)(Sequence 50)(Sequence 50)(Sequence 50)(Sequence 50)Cut to Parata, still dazed.Soliloquy, with music,Mikado-like.

PARATA:

I Am, Of Course,Parata The IndianGrand Vizier!Indian Instruments -B’doinggggggI Am So ExtremelyCunning That I DoOutwit Myself!

COURTROOM CHORUS:

He Does OutwitHimself ! He DoesOutwit Himself !He Is So ExtremelyCunning That HeDoes Outwit Himself!(Parata preens during thechorus)

PARATA:

I Am A Source OfConstant ConfusionTo My Own PersonalSelf!Horne Of My OwnDeviousness Even ToMyself!

COURTROOM CHORUS:

(as Parata dances)

Even To Himself!

Even To Himself! HeIs A Source Of GreatConfusionEven To Himself!

PARATA:

I Am Devious AndCunning In Order ToSurvive !It Is The Only WayThat I, Parata, CanKeep Myself Alive!

FULL CHORUS WITHPARATA:

Can Keep HimselfAlive! Can KeepHimself Alive!It Is The Only WayThat He, Parata, CanKeep Himself Alive!

58

PARATA:

But - I Like It !How I Like It! It KeepsMy Brain So Fit!

COURTROOM CHORUS:

(as Parata dances)

But He Likes It! HowHe Likes It!Because It Keeps HisBrain So Fit!

PARATA:

I’m So Cunning, I MayTell YouI Fill My Pockets ByMy Craft !

COURTROOM CHORUS:

(as Parata dances in frontagain)

Fills His Pockets By HisCraft! Fills His PocketsBy His Craft !He’s So Cunning WeMay Tell You He FillsHis Pockets By HisCraft!

PARATA:

My Guile Is WithoutBottom! And MyCunning Without End!

COURTROOM CHORUS:

His Cunning WithOut End! His CunningWithout End!His Guile Is WithoutBottom! And HisCunning Without End!

(bastardised to an Indianversion of ‘Greensleeves’ now)

PARATA:

Outwit Myself, OutwitMyself! I ConstantlyConfuse Myself !My Subtleties Are SoRefined That I OftenLeave Myself Behind!My Duplicity Is SoComplete That MyTwo Selves Will NeverMeet ! I ConstantlyOutwit MyselfThat My PlottingOutwits Even Me.

COURTROOM CHORUS:

That His PlottingOutwits Even He ...At the end of the song, amessenger comes runningup. He is an Indian version ofthe Persian messenger,

MESSENGER:

O Grand Vizier Parata!The Persian Caravan IsWithin A League OfThe City!

PARATA:

(to messenger)

Let Them Be ReceivedWith Full Honours!

Messenger shoots off. Othercourtiers following.

Fade.

FULLFULLFULLFULLFULLHONOURSHONOURSHONOURSHONOURSHONOURS(Sequence 51)(Sequence 51)(Sequence 51)(Sequence 51)(Sequence 51)Fade in.Nasrudin’s caravan enroute to Delhi gate.Dancing girls again,massive crowds lining theroute, military escort andbands riding up, elephants,etc... everybody coming tosee.

Impression of taking time -All is so enormous andgrand.

Fade.

59

MADMADMADMADMAD-HOL-HOL-HOL-HOL-HOLYYYYY-----OLDOLDOLDOLDOLD-INDIAN--INDIAN--INDIAN--INDIAN--INDIAN-WITWITWITWITWITCHCHCHCHCH(Sequence 52)(Sequence 52)(Sequence 52)(Sequence 52)(Sequence 52)PRINCESS:

Fade in. Early evening light.The palanquin and guideare high up in themountains. They arrive atan ‘EI Rancho Grande’type of sign-entrance,which says ‘The Mad-Holy-Old-Indian-Witch ofBenares’.

The witch is sitting beside acave. Her eyes arecompletely mad and she isan old wizened white-haired woman with bigears.

They enter and just beforethe palanquin stops, thePrincess gives the guide apurse. The guide gives anIndian bow and exits.

The Princess gets out ofthe palanquin and formallyapproaches the witch.

PRINCESS:

O Mad And Holy OldIndian Witch OfBenares... Greetings.

WITCH:

disinterested

Greetings? . ,Greetings?.. (realizing)Ahh ... Greetings:

PRINCESS:

O Mad And HolyOld Indian Witch OfBenares, I havetravelled many leaguesthrough many lands tofind you !

WITCH:

(disinterested)

Aoohh ...

PRINCESS:

To implore you, tobeg you, if necessaryto pay you...

WITCH:

(alert, now)To Pay Me? To PayMe? Pay Me!

PRINCESS:

To lift the spell - thedread enchantmentwhich has been placedupon one whom Iknow to be a youngand noble prince! Andhas cast him into asomewhat unpleasingshape.The palanquin flaps open,revealing the Beast whosmiles and looks absolutelyterrible.

BEAST:

Auauh:

WITCH:

My dear, my child, itis obvious to me thathe is victim of theDouble-Whammy-Split InterlinkIncantation withnewt’s eyeballs andthousand islandhemlock spell.This is most difficultspell to lift... and verycostly!The Princess claps herhands and her two ErrolFlynn men arrive fromnowhere and put downfour bags full of money.

WITCH:

argh ... aha ... for you,I will make specialprice:

PRINCESS:

Please! Oh,Please!Reverend Mother!

WITCH:

And take a special trip!The witch is lithe now. Shegoes into a start position,runs a few yards, leaps intoa pit, which has atrampoline in it; she springsout of it up into a tree,where she grabs a Tarzanrope; she swings down outof the tree, giving a Tarzanholler,

WITCH:

Aeyeaeyeaeyeaeyeaeyeaeyeaeye....

60

past a tripod of logs fromwhich hangs a wicker-workbasket over a large crack inthe earth. She swings pastthis and around it and upto an ovemanging cliff,where she hits a ‘J. ArthurRank’ type gong with herbody and, as she falls, shehangs the rope up besidethe gong and drops intothe wicker-work basketover the cleft in the earth.

On the side of the wickerbasket is an oil-rigger typeof valve. She turns thevalve and green gas comesup through the crack in theearth. She takes a deepbreath of the gas and pullsout a cube of sugar, whichshe pops in her mouth.

WITCH:

With Acid, FumesAnd Gas Combined IWill Start To Blow MyMindsniff... hurr ... sniff...hurr ...Then she turns the valve alittle more and more gascomes up.

O Gas:First Gas ISniff Tonight I Wish IMay, I Wish I MightBlow My Mind OutLike A Light!Sniff... Hurr ... Sniff...Hurr ...

Mystic Fumes ShowMe The WayTell Me How ThisCurse To LaySniff... Hurr ...Sniff... Hurr ...In Yonder Beast APrince Is Hidden HowCan From Him ThisSpell Be Ridden?The gas from the fissure ishatting up now. Bubblingnoises. The Witch getsshriller. Her mind is nowblown.

WITCH:

Gobbledeegook AndHi-Dee Hi Neck OfNewt And Nose OfFly,Face Of Rat And ToeOf Oyster, A LittleDust From SacredCloister,Even shriller now

Let Of Mutton, CupOf Tea, Footprint OfThe Magic Flea,She leans over and turnsthe jet all the way. She isskyhigh now.

Tendril Of EnormousGnat, Glass Of Water,Old Felt Hat,Mix Together, BoilAnd Bake!Let Him Eat ThisMagic Cake!

She quickly screws off thevalve, does a knee-bend,shoots up, hits the ‘J.Arthur Rank’ gong andswings backwards roundher tripod up into the tree,giving the Tarzan holler, butbackwards.

All thIs is as if the film isrunning backwards. Shedrops from the tree into thetrampoline pit and bouncesbackwards into the cave.

Cut to Beast and Princess,looking on apprehensively.

The Witch shoots out ofthe cave carrying cauldron,logs and ingredients, lightsfire and puts it all in andstirs it round.

The film here is all sped up,going forward again.

Then, returning to normalspeed, the Witch takes herenormous ladle, puts somesteaming muck in a panand takes it over to theBeast.

Cut to Princess, in happyexpectation.

BEAST:

(smelling the muck)

Argh ...The Princess nods to theBeast to drink it.

He takes a tiny sip.

PRINCESS:

Drink It, Drink ItDown, 0 My SweetLove’

61

The Beast gulps it all downand goes into a contorted fitbased on the Witch’srhyming couplets and thereis a puff of smoke. ThePrincess rushes in towardshim, as the smoke clears.We see that the Prince isindeed a prince in fullregalia, but he is knock-kneed, chinless, tinynosedand a hopeless nit.

PRINCESS:

(shocked and disap-pointed)

OOOOOOHH:

PRINCE/BEAST:

(he still speaks with theBeast’s voice)

Princess Nura, I amrestored to my originalshape - you don’t lookvery happy!She is poker-faced andpicks up his leavings in thedish and drains it in onegulp.

Then, she goes into arhythmic fit, but a belly-dance version. There is apuff of smoke and we seeshe has turned into a hugegreen frog, but with thePrincess’s crown still onthe frog’s head.

She takes the hand of thePrince and hops off withhim G’DUNK ... G’DUNK ...into the early evening light,leaving the Mad-Holy-Old-Indian-Witch counting hermoney and biting it to see ifit is all good. DissoIve.

NASRUDINNASRUDINNASRUDINNASRUDINNASRUDINCHOSEN ACHOSEN ACHOSEN ACHOSEN ACHOSEN ATTTTTRANDOMRANDOMRANDOMRANDOMRANDOM(Sequence 53)(Sequence 53)(Sequence 53)(Sequence 53)(Sequence 53)Dissolve back to Mogulcourt. We can hear thedistant noise of Nasrudin’scaravan approaching.

Addressing the MoguI,trying to bring him out ofhis reverie with his ladies,

PARATA:

O:Great And NobleMogul, May I BringTo Your Notice TheFact - And Fact It Is -That The AmbassadorOf Persia And HisCaravan Will Arrive InYour Imperial CapitalPresently.The Mogul just looks athim.

PARATA:

continuing,

As You Will Recall,Majesty, You HaveDecreed A State OfWar Against Persia -Unless A SuitablePersian AmbassadorCould Be Sent To YouTo Make Peace.

MOGUL:

coming out of his coma,

State Of War...

He is fingering a woman’s legrunning down it to the toes.Goes back into his coma.

State of war... state ofwar...

PARATA:

Rumour has it,Majesty, that thePersian Ambassador isman of no conse-quence - selectedentirely at random!Possibly in order todelay our warlikepreparations...Cut to Mogul running hishand up a great white leg.

PARATA:

Possibly, even to insultyour majesty.Cut to Mogul - he stopsfingering for a second.

MOGUL:

Insult my Majesty?Runs hands down legagain; sort of still thinkingabout it.

PARATA:

Yet, O Sublime andMogul Noble(looking at the leg)

my spies report thatthis ambassador, byname Nasrudin, hasshown a remarkableability and depth ofunderstanding indifficult circumstances- as if he were perhaps

62

even.... divinelyguided! And yet theysay he was picked atrandom!

MOGUL:

having surfaced,

If he were picked atrandom - and yet is sowise - and so shrewd -does this not mean thatanyone at all in Persia isequally capable of thedelicate post ofAmbassador, infallibleand intuitive,to oursublime court?Uncertain

Should we then not becareful in our dealingswith these Persians,Parata? Even reconsiderour warlike attitude tothem? For might theynot - easily - engulf us?

PARATA:

O Great, Noble andSuperlative Defender ofthe Empire, you are asalways - right! Let us becautious! And test theirmilitary strength!The Mogul has started pawingagain.

PARATA:

With your NobleMogul’s permission, Isuggest we send ourfinest warriors to thecity gate.

CLASH ACLASH ACLASH ACLASH ACLASH ATTTTTGAGAGAGAGATETETETETE(Sequence 54)(Sequence 54)(Sequence 54)(Sequence 54)(Sequence 54)Fade in at the City Gate.

Nasrudin’s caravan isapproaching the gate,Nasrudin in front, theCaravan Master/Vizierbehind him and thehopelessIy tatteredSycophants, twelveabreast - they obscure therest of the caravan from theIndians’ point of view.

The Indian Royal Guard isdrawn up in front of thegate, facing Nasrudin, onelephants and horses andthere is a mad GeneralALARAM - an Indiancounterpart to the PersianGeneral IRONPANTS.

PARATA:

rushing out to the General,

General Alaram!General Alaram!

GENERAL ALARAM:

wheeling round at Parata’ scall,

Alaram Is My Name!And Alaram Is MyNature!

PARATA:

Here they come!Now,General!Challenge them!

GENERAL ALARAM:

It will be a walk-over,O Parata! Just look atthe Persian escort!Cut to the Sycophants,terrified. General Alaramspurs his horse/elephantforward, stops in front ofNasrudin and holds up hishands.

GENERAL ALARAM:

Halt! All those whoseek to enter theImperial City of Delhimust first try theirstrength against theroyal guard! Let yourescort engage us!Cut to Sycophants, whitewith terror.

Cut to Nasrudin, who lookssurprised, reflects; then-

NASRUDIN:

whispers to a messenger,

Tell Chief Booozdilthat here are somemen who claim to bethe world’s greatestand most renownedbrigands and thieves.The messenger exits intothe rear group behind theSycophants, from whichsoon come great cries ofChief Boozdil, screaming,

63

CHIEF BOOZDIL:

What?! It is a lie ! Liars!We are the greatestbrigands and thieves!Let us at them! Charge!The Brigands all scream andyell and roar.

ASSORTED BRIGANDS:

What? What? It’s a lie!It’s a lie! We’re thegreatest brigands! Let usat them!Here we come! Up therebels ! Taratarah TatahTatah da da da da da dada da da da da ... Upthe rebels! Hit themwhere it hurts!They hurtle through in a flyingwedge, picking upSycophants as shields, sticks,stones, etc... And they streampast and crash headlong intothe Indian Royal Guard withthe sound of a hammer hittingan anvil!

Cut to Parata.

PARATA:

Oh! Goodness! PerhapsI should return to thecourt!and he zips out.

There are several seconds ofdust cloud, heads and piecesflying out of it. Then the dustsettles down and the Brigandsare seen dusting themselvesoff, wearing the Indian RoyalGuard armour, etc... andthere is a small bunch of

the Indian Royal Guard cladonly in underpants vanishingover the hill.

Nasrudin leads the caravanforward, the Brigands fall inand march through the CityGate. As they enter thegate, the leftover Indiantroops fall in meekly,behind the caravan.

THIEF ANDTHIEF ANDTHIEF ANDTHIEF ANDTHIEF ANDJEWELJEWELJEWELJEWELJEWEL-----BOTTLEBOTTLEBOTTLEBOTTLEBOTTLE(Sequence 55)(Sequence 55)(Sequence 55)(Sequence 55)(Sequence 55)The THIEF nips out of thecrowd and scurries throughthe City Gate alongsideNasrudin’s caravan andshoots off into a courtyard.He sneaks around andsees a thin-necked bottlefull of enormous rubies. Heis hypnotized, empties hispockets of everything hehas already stolen, in orderto make room and shoveshis hand in the bottle.

The neck of the bottle istoo narrow to let any rubiesout. While the Thief is tryingto work it out, two palaceguards silentIy come upbehind him. The Thief seesthe guards but cannot stoptrying to get the rubies out.He picks up the bottle andshuffles off with it, stillworking away at it.

They follow him around awhile as the Thief keepstrying to pretend they arenot there. Then, they veryquietly pick him up, bottleand all, and take him awayinto the distance, the Thiefstill with the bottle,pumping at the rubies.

They go through a distantdoor and we hear a dullthud.

We never see the Thiefagain.

64

INSIDE GAINSIDE GAINSIDE GAINSIDE GAINSIDE GATETETETETE(Sequence 56)(Sequence 56)(Sequence 56)(Sequence 56)(Sequence 56)Parade, etc...

Enormous crowdsscreaming - Massedmounted bands, elephants,camels, eunuchs, dancinggirls, all the magnificence ofIndian Court, Power andPomp trotted out ondisplay.

Nasrudin, on his donkey,as he approaches thePalace. Indian nobles, ongold and bejewelledhorses, form a guard ofhonour right in front andlead Nasrudin up the stepsto the Palace. They trot upto the main Hall ofAudience.

The door is at half normalheight so that they have todismount and lead theirhorses in. Nasrudin beingso low on his donkey ridesstraight in. There is a gaspof horror.

Cut to the delightedCaravan Master/Vizier.

PRESENTPRESENTPRESENTPRESENTPRESENTAAAAATIONTIONTIONTIONTION(Sequence 57)(Sequence 57)(Sequence 57)(Sequence 57)(Sequence 57)Cut to the inside of theAudience Hall as Nasrudinrides in. More gasping ofhorror.

Cut to Parata.

sotto voce

This is significant!Others must dismountto walk in to thepresence of theemperor, but this manhas so arranged thingsas to be able to ride inlike an equal to theGreat Mogul Himself !(muses)

Nasrudin rides up to thefoot of the throne - clop!clop! clop!

Old joke of standing upand his donkey walksaway.

All the others, Brigands,Sycophants and theBaggage train have alsoentered the Hall ofAudience.

The Mogul Iooksapprehensive. No womennow.

Drums roll

NASRUDIN:

O GREAT MOGUL!O FULL MOON OFINDIA!Cut to Mogul in slightdistress.

Cut to Parata, next to him,shocked.

Cut to Indian court,shocked.

Cut to cackling CaravanMaster/Vizier.

continuing,

NASRUDIN:

I bring you greetingsfrom the Emperor ofPersia! And these gifts!Cut to Caravan Master/Vizier sniggering in hisbeard.

Two normal men of theretinue bring out theenormous treasure -chest.

Drums roll - They throw thetop open - All gasp

ALL:

Earth! Earth! Earth! ATrunk Full Of Earth!Cut in to Nasrudin, closeup. Low voice.

NASRUDlN:

I had better saynothing - at this point- for how can I explainthis?

ASSEMBLED COURT-ROOM:

Earth! Earth! Earth!Cut to the Caravan Master/Vizier getting hysterical withglee. He is nudgingeverybody near him.

65

CARAVAN MASTER/VIZIER:

EARTH! EARTH!EARTH! CACKLE!CACKLE! EARTH!He gets carried away withhis laughing, gives a shriekand his beard drops off.

PARATA:

pointing,

Spy! Spy! Throw thespy to the AlligatorPit!Three Indian ghouls,counterparts to the threePersian ghouls zip out andcarry the astonished Vizierto the lip of the alligator-pit.

Cut.

ALLIGAALLIGAALLIGAALLIGAALLIGATORTORTORTORTORPIT (SequencePIT (SequencePIT (SequencePIT (SequencePIT (Sequence58)58)58)58)58)The three ghouls tluow theVizier into the pit. We pandown as he falls and goahead of him to the bottomof the alligator-pit, wherewe see a dozen horrific,hungry, waiting alligators.

Cut.

PRESENTPRESENTPRESENTPRESENTPRESENTAAAAATIONTIONTIONTIONTIONIIIIIIIIII(Sequence 59)(Sequence 59)(Sequence 59)(Sequence 59)(Sequence 59)Cut back to Audience Hall.Crowd still whispering.

MOGUL:

leaning over to Parata,

Earth... earth! Whatdoes this mean? Is thisan insult to myeminence?Parata, scared, thinkingrapidly, sees a terrible Yogistanding by, clad in a loin-clothwith a staff and beads andamulets, bits of bone, hanging.

Parata zips over to him; theyhave a fast conversa-tion andParata zips back to the Mogul.

PARATA:

Majesty, the InterpreterOf Omens has explain-ed that this is asymbolic act in whichyou are acknowledgedas - master of the earth!Just as you wereaddressed as full moon,for the same reason!

MOGUL:

to Nasrudin,We are content with theofferings of your PersianKing, for we have noneed for wealth.And we appreciate themetaphysical subtlety ofyour message!Court - whisper, whisper.

66

CONNINGCONNINGCONNINGCONNINGCONNINGALLIGAALLIGAALLIGAALLIGAALLIGATORSTORSTORSTORSTORS(Sequence 60)(Sequence 60)(Sequence 60)(Sequence 60)(Sequence 60)Cut to the alligator - pitbottom. Anwar has thealligators drawn up in tworows of six, as in aclassroom.

They are on one side of thepit and he is on the other,behind a rock which servesboth as protection and as apulpit.

ANWAR:

My friends, it grievesme deeply to see youdestined to anexistence such as this!You have been givenpeople like myself,with no flesh on theirbones....He exposes a scrawnyarm.Cut to the alligators, whosnap their mouths in amotor response. A coupleedge forward slightly.

Cut to Anwar, who has hishands up, like BillyGraham.

He puts his hands downand leans forwardconfidentially.

Help me to get backto Persia and I’llguarantee you themost succulent...

Cut to alligators drooling,snapping, gnashing, rollingtheir eyes and biting eachother at the thought of it.

... rotund....Cut to alligators drooling,snapping, gnashing,grinding,

... in a word - fat!Cut to alligators goingmad, biting, gnashing,roaring, leaping.

Cut to Anwar, with hishands up, like Billy Grahamagain -

The alligators calmdown.Fat offerings that will comeyour way... regularly!

Cut to alligators leaping upand down in the air, biting,gnashing, drooling,grinding, roaring.

PRESENTPRESENTPRESENTPRESENTPRESENTAAAAATIONTIONTIONTIONTIONIIIIIIIIIIIIIII(Sequence 61)(Sequence 61)(Sequence 61)(Sequence 61)(Sequence 61)Cut back to Audience Hall.

NASRUDIN:

remembering his lines,

I have also been told(remembers and relaxessomewhat)

that we have nothingmore for Your Majesty.More crowd shock. TheMogul looks slightlypuzzled at Parata.

Parata zips off to the Yogi... yap... yap... yap... andzips back to the Mog.ll.

PARATA:

in Mogul’s ear,

That means that Persiawill not yield onefurther ounce of theirsoil to us !Crowd muttering.

67

ALLlGAALLlGAALLlGAALLlGAALLlGATORTORTORTORTORLADDERLADDERLADDERLADDERLADDER(Sequence 62)(Sequence 62)(Sequence 62)(Sequence 62)(Sequence 62)Cut back to the alligator-pitand we see the alligatorsstanding on each other,making a ladder up theside of the pit.

Quickly Anwar goes up ontheir legs to the top andleans down to pull up thefirst alligator.

PRESENTPRESENTPRESENTPRESENTPRESENTAAAAATIONTIONTIONTIONTIONIVIVIVIVIV(Sequence 63)(Sequence 63)(Sequence 63)(Sequence 63)(Sequence 63)MOGUL:

to Nasrudin,

Tell your master weunderstand.(now smoothing his beard,laying a trap)

but there is one otherpoint - If I am the fullmoon, what is thePersian Emperor?

NASRUDIN:

without thinking,

Ah,- he is the NewMoon!The Mogul looks at Parata,who zips off to the Yogi -yap... yap... yap... andback again.

PARATA:

to the Mogul and to theassembled multitude, loud,

That is because thefull moon is moremature and gives morelight than the newmoon!Tremendous applause.

VIZIERVIZIERVIZIERVIZIERVIZIERLISTENINGLISTENINGLISTENINGLISTENINGLISTENING(Sequence 64)(Sequence 64)(Sequence 64)(Sequence 64)(Sequence 64)Cut to Anwar, listeningoutside the court door. Hehas heard Parata’sannouncement and theapplause continues.

Camera pulls back toreveal Anwar with a white-fang, dry-land dog-sledmade up of alligators.

He cracks a whip and theyshuffle off in a cloud of dustover the hill into the sunsettowards Persia.

68

PRESENTPRESENTPRESENTPRESENTPRESENTAAAAATIONTIONTIONTIONTIONVVVVV(Sequence 65)(Sequence 65)(Sequence 65)(Sequence 65)(Sequence 65)Cut back to the AudienceHall.

The applause is only nowdying down.

MOGUL:

smiling to Nasrudin,

We are content - youmay return to Persiaand tell the NewMoon that the FullMoon salutes him! Letthere be peacebetween ourkingdoms!(afterthought)

And let us entertainour guests !At the word ‘Guests’ theBrigands grab everywoman in sight, screamingand yelling as pandemo-nium breaks loose.

Fade to black.

SHIPS THASHIPS THASHIPS THASHIPS THASHIPS THATTTTTPPPPPASS IN THEASS IN THEASS IN THEASS IN THEASS IN THENIGHTNIGHTNIGHTNIGHTNIGHT(Sequence 66)(Sequence 66)(Sequence 66)(Sequence 66)(Sequence 66)Fade in.

Nasrudin’s wife and hermini-caravan.

She is screaming abuse atthe tiny Caravan Masterand they pass Anwar theGrand Vizier on hisalligator-dry sled in a cloudof dust, going the otherway. Neither notices theother.

Fade to black.

DEPDEPDEPDEPDEPARTUREARTUREARTUREARTUREARTURE(Sequence 67)(Sequence 67)(Sequence 67)(Sequence 67)(Sequence 67)Fade in.

Next morning - IndianPalace courtyard - Indianbands playing - Multitudesgather for send -off.

NASRUDIN:

Come On! Saddle Up!Saddle Up Everybody!Nasrudin gets on donkey(same joke: stands ondonkey). He leads thecaravan out of the gatewaywith the Indians cheering .

Outside the gateway,leading to the tracklessdesert is the Boozdil RoyalGuard. Boozdil’s twoADC’s are mounted onsagging elephants; theycarry a banner saying‘Royal Boozdil Cavalry’.They are magnificentlyattired, in Indian battledress. They all saluteNasrudin, who rides outpast the Boozdil Guard ofHonour, with his caravan.

We cut to Boozdil’s face infrozen salute and see thatthere is a tear in his eye.

Dissolve.

69

SMOULDERINGSMOULDERINGSMOULDERINGSMOULDERINGSMOULDERINGCOURTCOURTCOURTCOURTCOURT(Sequence 68)(Sequence 68)(Sequence 68)(Sequence 68)(Sequence 68)Dissolve back to Indiancourtroom, which is all butdestroyed - Fires are stillburning, smoke issmouldering there areimmense holes in theceiling, some columnsfractured, some halfblasted off - Desolation.

The Great Mogul,scratched and bittencomes in and sits on abarrel or crate - Hiscourtiers stand around tornand bleeding. Everybody’sclothes are torn. TheMogul’s dusky maidensappear also completelyused and pummelled.

The Mogul claps his hands.Parata, also tattered tottersin.

MOGUL:

Now that our guestsare safely on their wayback to Persia - andwar has been averted,let us return to theaffairs of state.Claps his hands,

Bring me the list ofthose to be incarcer-ated, eviscerated,emasculated andexecuted!

The three Indian ghouls bringthe list. Parata goes throughit, his pen at the ready.

PARATA:

Ram Chund!

MOGUL:

Toying with his duskymaidens - matter of factvoice,

Evisceration!The three ghouls grab apoor idiot from the crowd.They zip him out, there is aterrible scream and they zipback in, ready for the nextcustomer.

PARATA:

Banner Gee!

MOGUL:

looking up from hisamusement,

Execution !The three ghouls grabanother idiot, zip him out.We hear a ‘clunk’ of anaxe, and they zip back in.

PARATA:

ticking the names off withhis pen.

Chopal Bye!

MOGUL:

fingering the chewed-upwomen again,

Emasculation!

The ghouls grab a third idiot,zip him out and we hearAAAAAAAAAAAA (octavehigher) aaaaaaaaaaaaa theyzip back in.

PARATA:

Mohan Lal!

MOGUL:

Incarceration!They grab a fourth victimand drag him out - soundof steel doors closing.

Cut to close-up ofparchment, in Parata’shand, which reads ‘Byorder of ... ‘

Parata, signing,

PARATA:

Parata ...

MOGUL:

without looking up from hisplucking and fingering

EXECUTION!The three ghouls grabParata.

PARATA:

pleading,

Your Majesty! OMogul! O MogulNoble! O NobleMogul, I Am Parata,Your Grand Vizier!

MOGUL:

disappearing into amountain of female flesh

Execution...Execution!

70

PARATA:

as he is being dragged out,to the audience

I Have FinallyOutwitted Myself ForGood And All!re-cap of bastardisedversion of ‘Greensleeves’

Outwit Myself...Deceive Myself ... IHave Finally OutwitMyself !They take him round acorner and we hear theclunk of a chopper onwood.

Dissolve.

FORKFORKFORKFORKFORK-IN--IN--IN--IN--IN-ROROROROROADADADADAD(Sequence 69)(Sequence 69)(Sequence 69)(Sequence 69)(Sequence 69)Close-up on Kerima’s mini-caravan. She is bellowingat the tiny man - Dusteverywhere.

KERIMA:

Hurry Up! KeepMoving ... Faster! WeMust Catch Up WithMy Husband! YouWon’t Get YourMoney, You Know!Are You Sure YouKnow Were You’reGoing? Pay Attention!!Move Faster! WeHaven’t Got For Ever!Keep Moving! PayAttention! We’reLosing Time! HurryUp ! Faster! KeepGoing ...Don’t Slack! ComeOn! Come On! We’llNever Catch MyHusband At ThisRate! Move! Faster ...We Have To Get ToDelhi! Come On!Catch Up !Cut to aerial view - Desert -Single road forks into two.

There is a mountainbetween the two.Nasrudin’s caravan iscoming from left to rightalong one side of themountain. Kerima’s mini -

caravan coming from right toleft takes the other fork goingall the other side of themountain. Neither sees theother.

71

ALLIGAALLIGAALLIGAALLIGAALLIGATORTORTORTORTORARRIVARRIVARRIVARRIVARRIVALALALALAL(Sequence 70)(Sequence 70)(Sequence 70)(Sequence 70)(Sequence 70)Dissolve in.

The Vizier alligator-sledarriving at the closedPersian court doors. He iscovered in dust. Thealligators are pantinghorribly and the Vulture issitting exhausted on thesled, covered with dust.

Two of Anwar’s left-behindSycophants rush up.

ANWAR:

My friends, Nasrudinhas averted war withIndia - but, I will yetwin the day! -chargehim with treason, Iwill.He goes to the door

Oh! Take care of myalligator friends.Pushing the doors openand running in to thePersian King,

Majesty, News FromIndia! Traitor!

KING:

Nasrudin is a traitor?Dissolve.

MUSICALMUSICALMUSICALMUSICALMUSICALDUMB SHOWDUMB SHOWDUMB SHOWDUMB SHOWDUMB SHOW(Sequence 71)(Sequence 71)(Sequence 71)(Sequence 71)(Sequence 71)This sequence is all done inpantomime, with silent filmtype chase music.

Cuts.

1. Nasrudin’s caravancrossing rope bridge inHimalayas.

2. Anwar the Grand Vizier andthe Persian King silhouettedthrough a lit window of thecourt, Anwar doing his actabout Nasrudin’s treachery.

3. Nasrudin’s caravancrossing desert. Sign on theedge of the desert covered invultures says ‘You are nowleaving the Registan Desert -We hope too many of you didnot perish’ There is clearlydemarcated green grass onthe other side of the sign.

4. More Anwar acting toPersian King in court.

5. Nasrudin’s caravan onboard ship in storm.

6. More Vizier. acting.

7. Nasrudin’s caravan inPersian mountains.

8. More Anwar in front of fullcourt.

9. Early Tibet - India sign-post.The army (Nasrudin’s earlyadvance guard) is marchingback from Tibet,

Snow and icicles hangingfrom then. As the last ofthem turns on to the mainroad back to Persia,

Nasrudin’s caravan comesup and takes up the rear(unwittingly) .

10. Anwar finishing his act.The music does a long trillas the sound comes inagain.

ANWAR:

And thus didNasrudin betray thePersian Throne, theState and the Trustplaced in him by you -in your Great Wisdom!He collapses on the floor infront of the Persian King.

Cut.

72

WIFE IN INDIAWIFE IN INDIAWIFE IN INDIAWIFE IN INDIAWIFE IN INDIA(Sequence 72)(Sequence 72)(Sequence 72)(Sequence 72)(Sequence 72)Dissolve in.

The still smouldering half-destroyed Indian Court.The Mogul is on the throne,battered, with his cut andbleeding women.Nasrudin’s wife storms inthe door.

KERIMA:

Where’s Nasrudin?

MOGUL:

Do You Know Who IAm, Woman? I AmThe Great Mogul!Emperor Of India!Ruler Of...

KERlMA:

How can you beemperor! Just look atthis place! Full of oldrubbish! And thoseshameless women!Clean it up immedi-ately! Put it in order!Filthy! Dirty! Filthy!Dirty’ Full of rubbish!Never seen anythinglike it! Throw out allthe rubbish! Dust it!Wipe it!

Polish it! Cleanyourselves up! Get ridof those women!Clean this! Move .that! Bring in flowersover there! Change thewater in the vases!Sponge those bloodstains! Fix that roof !Truculently and reluctantly,wounded and broken, theIndians drag themselvesaround doing what shesays.

KERIMA!

continuing,

Wash your face!Change your shirt!Don’t bite your nails!Don’t suck yourthumb ! Move thatrubbish! Clean that!Clean this!Fix that up!Cut to the Mogul, amazed.

PERSIANPERSIANPERSIANPERSIANPERSIANCOURTCOURTCOURTCOURTCOURT(Sequence 73)(Sequence 73)(Sequence 73)(Sequence 73)(Sequence 73)Cut to the Persian Court.

Trumpets announceNasrudin’s arrival.

Court Herald, calling out.

HERALD:

Mulla Nasrudin -Your Majesty’sAmbassador To India- Begs Leave ToReport To YourMajesty!King nods - Grunt

ANWAR:

Bid Him Enter!Cut.

73

POLISHEDPOLISHEDPOLISHEDPOLISHEDPOLISHEDMOGULMOGULMOGULMOGULMOGULCOURTCOURTCOURTCOURTCOURT(Sequence 74)(Sequence 74)(Sequence 74)(Sequence 74)(Sequence 74)Back to Indian Court, in longshot. It is absolutelyglistening, immaculate andclean like a soapadvertisement. Cleanshaven men - No women.

Track in to Kerima, dustingher hands off at the foot ofthe Mogul’s throne.

MOGUL:

sitting there, on his glisteningthrone, leans forward,hands together,

Madam, Would YouConsent To AcceptThe Position OfGrand Vizier?Short music stab.

74

PERSIANPERSIANPERSIANPERSIANPERSIANCOURTCOURTCOURTCOURTCOURTCLIMAXCLIMAXCLIMAXCLIMAXCLIMAX(Sequence 75)(Sequence 75)(Sequence 75)(Sequence 75)(Sequence 75)Cut back to Persian Court.

Nasrudin rides up to thethrone on his donkey, putshis feet down and thedonkey walks away.Nasrudin walks up to thesteps of the throne andbows.

ANWAR:

attacking,

Majesty, this man isguilty of HighTreason, If not worse!We have incontrovert-ible evidence that headdressed the GreatMogul of India byone of your titles!Thus changing hisallegiance andbringing your titleinto disrepute!

KING:

fully awake and shouting,

The sages have wiselysaid that to everyperfection there is animperfection! Whydid you refer to me asthe ‘new moon’ ?Fast cuts to court reactions -Same music as ‘bread’ trial

Cut to Anwar, rubbing hishands, gloating andsnickering.

NASRUDIN:

rubs nose, reflectively, for abit,

I don’t know aboutprotocol ... but I doknow that the fullmoon is about towane and the newmoon is still growing- with its greatestglories ahead of it.

KING:

I am more thanpleased, friendNasrudin(patronizingly)

at the result of yourunorthodox methods!You have averted warand our country issaved! From now on,you will be known bythe special title ofEmissary!Now, turning half left toAnwar,

KING:

And as for you...Anwar... you are fromthis moment - nolonger grand vizier!Throw him to hisown alligators’The three Persian ghouls zipin and cart Anwar off.Camera follows. They throwhim into the pit (he is notworried) .

ANWAR:

as he is falling,

My Friends... .Cut to the bottom of thealligator pit. The alligators arenow completely skin andbone, not having hadanything to eat since theymet Anwar.

Cut back to the outside ofthe pit as we hear steel trapnoises of jaws snapping andripping. The three ghoulslook down in the pit and Iookhorrified at what they see.They bring their hands totheir mouths to preventbeing sick.

The clacking and rendingcontinues as we pan up to aniche, where Anwar’sVulture cackles hystericallyand plummets down into thepit, for a bite.

Chumping and rendingcontinues as we cut back tothe King.

KING:

Nasrudin, may I offeryou the position ofGrand Vizier?

NASRUDIN:

What ?! How could Ipossibly accept - nowI have seen with myown eyes whathappened to mypredecessor?He bows - Music starts andNasrudin backs up, stillbowing, to a door shapedexactly like himself, opens it,fits exactly through it, Closesit.

75

END SCENEEND SCENEEND SCENEEND SCENEEND SCENE(Sequence 76)(Sequence 76)(Sequence 76)(Sequence 76)(Sequence 76)Cut to a Charlie Chaplin typeroad, in perspective, intosunset.

Bach-like choir andorchestra singing

The End - The End -The End - The End -The End _Nasrudin pads off into thedistance, but he stays thesame size the further hewalks. And since everythingelse is in perspective and hestays the same size, hegives the impression ofbecoming enormous as hedisappears over the hill.

Fade to black.

76