The Immaculate Conniption

8/12/2019 The Immaculate Conniption

1/48

BOBS BURGERS

The Immaculate Conniption

written by Will Ayre


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ACT ONE

FADE IN:

INT. BOBS BURGERS - DINING ROOM - DAY

Bob cleans the counter with a rag and spray bottle. Geneexcitedly paces around him, while Teddy and Mort talk inthe background.

GENE

Please please please please

pleaseeee.

BOB

Gene!

GENE

Please!

BOB

No.

GENE

Please!

Bob squirts Gene with water from the spray bottle.

BOB

I said no.

GENE

But I'll take care of it.

BOB

Why do you suddenly want a dog?


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GENE

Because I've reached a stage where

I think I've become a responsible

adult, and what better way to prove

it to the world than with a canine

companion?

BOB

Gene, I saw you finger painting

with ketchup yesterday.

GENE

I wasn't finger painting, I was

making a condiment collage!

BOB

(SIGHS) I don't even know what that is.

GENE

Well, Jimmy Pesto Jr has a dog...

BOB

Really?

Bob glares across the street and sees Jimmy Pesto walkingan awkwardly long Weiner dog.

GENE

He brought it in for show and tell

last week. How am I suppose to top

that? My fart tromboning, while

hilarious, isn't at dog level yet.


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BOB

Gene, we have to buy day old buns.

We cant afford a dog.

Teddy takes a bit of his burger, coughs up dust.

Teddy

(MOUTH FULL) Still good Bobby.

Teddy takes the buns off his burger and eats it with hisbare hands.

MORT

Bob, I think I might have a

solution.

BOB

To day old buns?

MORT

No, your pet problem.

BOBI dont have a pet problem.

MORT

(IGNORING) When I was his age, I

had a pet that cost almost nothing

to keep.

FLASHBACK TO:INT. MORTS CHILDHOOD BEDROOM YEARS AGO

A young ten year old Mort is seen from behind pettingsomething. The camera reveals a disgusting rat wearing ared ribbon around it's neck.


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MORT (O.S.)

Her name was Glinda. I could talk

to her about anything, she was a

great listener... Until one day

she went missing...

CUT TO:

INT. MORTS CHILDHOOD KITCHEN DAY IN THE PAST

Morts mom, with her back to the camera, rolls flour on thecounter.

POV SHOT: Low to the ground, the mouse scampers towards herfeet.

She screams and stomps on the mouse.

MORT

I never found out what killed her.

CUT TO:

EXT. MORTS BACKYARD DAY IN THE PAST

Young Mort, next to his mother, stands crying in a blacksuit. A shoebox coffin is lowered. Mort sprinkles sometopsoil. Hes fighting back tears.

MORT (O.S.)

Glindas was my first funeral. Those

cold lifeless little beady eyes

still haunt me to this day...

INT. BOBS BURGERS - DINING ROOM BACK TO SCENE

Bob stands frazzled. Gene stares at Mort for a second andthen begins to anxiously hop from foot to foot.


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GENESooooo?

BOB

You had a rat?

GENE

I believe the preferred term is

rodent.

MORT

They're just like people, better

even. It's a shame they're so

persecuted. What they cost to

feed is nothing compared to what

they give back in love.

Mort tears up.

MORT

Im sorry Glinda...

GENE

Dad, can I have a rat?

MORT

It was a lovely service. . .

GENE

Pleaseeee.

BOB

Gene, you know we can't do that.

Your Mom's allergic, and...


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GENE

Please please please please please.

BOB

(INFURIATED) Gene!

BOB

(RAPIDLY) Please!

BOB

We work in a restaurant!

What would people say if

there was a rat?

Linda walks in.

LINDA

Did somebody say rat?

Linda sneezes emphatically.

BOB

No, don't worry about it sweet-

heart.

LINDA

Yah know Bobby, I'm allergic to

rats, well that and Chiquitas.

Yah know the little itty bitty

bananas.

TEDDY

Oh Linda I love those, and that


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TEDDY (CONTD.)

catchy song!

Teddy makes his fork and knife dance like in a chorus line.

LINDA

(SINGING) Oh Im a Chiquita banana,

and Ive come to say ...

Teddy is about to join in when Linda sneezes three times inrhythm to the song.

BOB

Lin! There are no tiny bananas or

rats. I swear.

LINDA

(SNIFFLING) I don't know, I've been

sneezing and sniffling an awful lot

lately, somethings fishy.

BOB

Besides our new "Two tuna walk into a

bar burger."

TEDDY

Bob you really ought to think about

these names. . .

LINDA

Teddys got a point but deal with the

rat problem first.


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INT. BOBS BURGERS GENES ROOM LATER THAT NIGHT

Tina, Gene, and Louise stand encircling the rat.

TINA

Why isn't it moving?

LOUISE

Maybe it's dead.

GENE

Its just fat. I know it's alive,

our spirits have connected. Plus,

it just peed in that corner a

minute ago.

Gene nods to his left and Tina reaches to pet the rat, buthesitates.

TINA

What's it's name?

GENE

Roberto.

LOUISE

That's a dumb name.

Tina extends the back of her hand to the rat. It takes asniff and rubs its back against her knuckles.

TINA

I don't know. She looks more like

an Anne to me.


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GENE

Robertos all man.

TINA

What do we do with her?

LOUISE

Ritualistic sacrifice.

The rat tenses up.

GENE

No! I need him for show and tell

tomorrow.

TINA

Its okay Annie.

GENE

You can sacrifice him after.

TINA

We can't kill her! She's from the

diner like us, we're related by

building.

Annie moves closer to Tina.

LOUISE

Building schmilding, a sacrificial

rat is a sacrificial rat. Let me

at it, we'll do a sance tonight.

This rat may have been a communist


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LOUISE (CONTD.)

revolutionary in a past life.

We need to know!

Louise pounds the ground and scares Annie.

BEGIN MONTAGE:

- The rat stands behind a podium on a stage dressed likeCastro, with an oversized cigar. Chanting in thebackground is heard as the rat waves to his audience.

GENE (O.S.)

Or maybe he was the dynamic leader

of an 80s hair band!

- The rat in a leotard with long blond human hair. Heshead banging in front of a gigantic audience. He divesinto the crowd and is carried away.

TINA

Maybe she helped people with

disabilities.

- The rat stands in an apron giving out food in a soupkitchen to other rats, in human clothing, that look likebums.

End Montage.

INT. BOBS BURGERS GENES ROOM BACK TO SCENE

LOUISE

He could have so much to teach us!

TINA

Like cooking?


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LOUISE

Cooking of the capitalist system.

Viva la Revolution!

TINA

What if Mom and Dad find him? You

guys are still on thin ice from

the catastrophe of Cirque de Flea.

Louise and Gene grimace.

GENE

(TO SELF) The itching...

LOUISE

Fine. Tina you take him for the

night.

TINA

Id be happy to have a sleepover

with Annie.

CUT TO:

INT. BOBS BURGERS - BOB AND LINDA'S BEDROOM - LATER THATNIGHT

The room is almost pitch dark. Linda and Bobs outlines move against one another.

LINDA

(GIGGLING) Ohh Bobbyyy.

BOB

(GROWLING) Rawrrrrr.


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LINDA

(PLAYFULLY) Oh who will save

this poor defenseless

paleontologist from this savage

jungle beast?

Linda starts sneezing uncontrollably.

BOB

Linda, are you alright?

Bob turns on the light.

LINDA

(SNEEZING) Something's wrong. I

can smell it. I'm sneezing like

Pinocchio in a pepper factory.

BOB

Have you had any small bananas?

LINDA

None Bobby... except the one here.

BOB

Oohhh Lin...

Bob tries to kiss her. Linda sneezes loudly.

LINDA

It must be a rat.

BOB

A rat?


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LINDA

I don't know what else it could be.

BOB

Hugo will have a field day.

LINDA

Well deal with it Bobby.

BOB

I'll deal with it first thing in

the morning.

LINDA

My hero.

Linda leans over to kiss Bobby, but sneezes in his face.

BOB

Ugh, Lin.

Bob wipes his face with the sheets.

BOB

Now where were we?

LINDA

Im goanna try and get some rest.

BOB

Yah know what would help you

sleep...

Bob tries to tickle Linda but she swats his hand away.


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LINDA

Ill see you in the morning

jungle beast.

Linda turns off the light, and sneezes.

Linda instantly starts snoring. Bob tries to getcomfortable. Linda starts sneezing in her sleep.

Bobs eyes are wide open in the dark.

INT. BOBS BURGERS KITCHEN THE NEXT MORNING

Bob stands next to the stove holding a spatula, hessleep-grilling.

BOB

Take solace Misses Brown Cow

your son gave his life for a

good cause...

Gene, Louise, and Tina walk by on their way to school.

INT. BOBS BURGERS DINER CONTINUOUS

Bob stands in kitchen window separating the diner from thekitchen. His hair is a mess, and drool dangles from his

mouth.

LOUISE

Boo!

Bob wakes up startled.

BOB

Huhh.

The spit drops and a loud sizzle is heard.


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GENE

You look terrible dad!

Bob fully opens his eyes.

LOUISE

Are you trying to go for the whole

grunge thing? Cause I like it.

BOB

I couldnt really sleep...

GENE

Cause of the rats.

BOB

(YAWNING) No no. Its because

your mother kept me up with her

sneezing.

GENE

Because of the rats!

BOB

No Hey, don't you kids have

school?

LOUISE

No, this is only a dream.

Louise waves her hands eerily and moves towards the door.

LOUISE

Today is give your daughter...


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LOUISE (CONTD.)

...ice cream day. You don't want

to be the only one not celebrating.

BOB

Nice try Louise. Get to school

kids.

GENE

Good luck with the hunt.

BOB

Oh I dont need luck. After what

I have planned, this rats goanna

need a rabbits foot to survive.

GENE

So it can run faster?

BOB

No Gene, its called a ... Just

go to school.

The three walk past and the camera lingers on a close up ofGene's bag moving.

CUT TO:

INT. SCHOOL CLASSROOM LATER THAT DAY

CLOSE UP: backpack still moving

ANDY/OLLIE (O.S.)

...and that's how we ended up with

a whole jar of boogers.


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MEDIUM SHOT: teacher looks disgusted as Andy and Ollie walkback to their seats

TEACHER

Andy, Ollie that was... Well,

the same as your last

presentation. Would anyone

else like to present to the

class?

Gene eagerly waves his hand. The teacher rolls her eyesand Gene does a triumphant arm pump before walking to the

front of the class. He dumps the rat out on the floor.

KIDS

Ooooh.

The teacher looks shocked.

GENE

This is Roberto, he's a two time

silver medalist show rat. First

in his class at Westmuenster

rat show. His lineage goes back

to the rats that lived and

fought in the coliseum.

ANDY/OLLIE

Can he do any tricks?

GENE

Of course he can! He's doing one...


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GENE (CONTD.)

...right now, or uhh... I think

that's a trick.

The rat starts to give birth.

TEACHER

Im not qualified for this.

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT ONE


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ACT TWO

FADE IN:

EXT. SCHOOL PLAYGROUND JUNGLE GYM CONTINUOUS

Louise hangs upside down from the monkey bars. Shestalking to Ollie and Andy. Tina stands nearby halflistening.

OLLIE

Of course weve thought about it.

Ollie and Andy stare at each other.

ANDY

Who hasnt?

TINA

Louise doesnt even know how to sew.

They break eye contact.

OLLIE

What if something goes wrong?

Louise flips onto the ground.

LOUISE

But think of how powerful you would

be as Siamese twins!

In the distance, Gene runs towards Tina and Louise. Hesclutching his backpack. A mob of his classmates chase

after.

GENE

Tina! Louise! Robertos multiplied!


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LOUISE

What are you talking about Gene?

GENE

Just Look!

Gene opens his backpack to reveal Roberto and severalnewborn rats.

TINA

Shes given birth!

GENE

But Roberto cant give birth,

hes a boy.

OLLIE/ANDIE

Its a miracle!

A crowd begins to form around Gene.

TINA

The miracle of life.

LOUISE

The miracle of opportunity.

GENE

I knew it was some kind of fate

that Roberto and I should meet.

Louise climbs the monkey gym and faces the crowd.

LOUISE

Gather round to witness the coming

of a new age! Only five dollars to


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LOUISE (CONTD.)

see the immaculate, mystifying,

spellbinding once in a life time

only, male conception!

Kids from every corner of the playground join the crowd.Its size grows exponentially.

LOUISE

Open your ears, your eyes, your

hearts!

The crowd moves increasingly forward. Zeke pushes his wayto the front. Gene struggles to contain the crowd and stopthem from trampling the rat.

TINA

This isnt the right environment

for a new mother!

LOUISE

Be the first of your friends to

say they saw the chosen one!

GENE

I didnt see it coming until it

was too late!

TINA

Youre going to hurt Anne!

Tina grabs the backpack from Gene and breaks free from thecrowd.


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LOUISE

Tina! Come back!

The crowd lets out a loud groan of disappointment.

LOUISE

Fear not! The messiah requires

rest, but he will be back shortly.

CROWD

We want the magic rat!

LOUISE

Soon! But first we must hear tell

of how the mighty Roberto will guide

us to a land free from pain, misery,

and worst of all homework!

CROWD

Yay!

GENE

In the meantime enjoy, for a

minimal contribution, the sage-like

wisdom of Gene, the one chosen to

guide the prophet. He is the

shepherd to Robertos flock. The

Mary to our John.

Louise climbs down to collect donations in her pointed hat, while Gene takes her place.


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GENE

Uhh. So whats up with regular

straws? Why cant they all be

bendy all the time?

ZEKE

Boooo!

Louise elbows Gene in the side.

LOUISE(TO GENE) Dont mess this up!

GENE

Uhhh. Umm... Whys it called a

hamburger, when its made out of

beef?

A few people begin to leave the crowd.

LOUISE

(TO SELF) I have to do

everything in this family.

Louise climbs above Gene, to the top of the jungle gym.

GENE

Wait! Guys! Thats not even my

best material.

CROWD

(IN UNISON) We want Roberto!

LOUISE

Prophets require rest!


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CROWD

BOO!

LOUISE

Please! Cast me your ears! Let

us not bicker against one another.

We should unite in song in

preparation for the extraordinary

Robertos return!

The crowd to listen.

LOUISE

Kumbaya my Roberto. Kumbaya...

The crowd starts to sing along. They join hands and sway inrhythm.

CROWD

ROBERTO... Kumbaya...

Gene begins fart-tromboning Kumbaya.

CUT TO:

INT. BOBS BURGERS - DINING ROOM MOMENTS LATER

Bob is hunched over on his knees. Hes setting traps upunderneath the counter.

BOB

One more trap and this little

conniving, dirty, stealing, allergy

covered rat will be done for.

The bell rings. Bob stands up quickly, hitting his head onthe counter.


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BOB

AGHH can I help you?

Bob rubs the back of his head and looks up to see Hugostanding smugly next to the door, clipboard and pen in hand

with Ron behind him.

HUGO

Not talking about me, are you Bob?

BOB

Ha! No actually.

HUGO

Well good... Ill have you know

Im completely disinfected. Germless.

BOB

(UNDER HIS BREATH) More like one

giant germ.

Hugos eyes narrow as he stares at Bob.

BOB

Hugo, what are you doing

here?

HUGO

Its a pleasure to see you too,

Bob. Im here in my official

capacity as health inspector to

conduct a pre-examination.


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BOB

What examination? The inspection

isnt until the end of the month.

HUGO

Correction Bob. It was at the end

of the month.

RON

Hugo requested that it be moved to

this Friday, and were obligated

to notify you of the change.

BOB

Why was it moved?

HUGO

(SMIRKING) Because I can and I found

a great deal on a seven day couples

cruise to Alaska, only sixteen

hundred for a week of bald eagle

watching, polar bear petting and

all the food and drink you can

possibly stomach.

BOB

Hmm open bar.

HUGO

Thats right Bob. Free booze.


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BOB

Well I hope you and Ron have a

wonderful trip.

HUGO

Very funny Bob.

RON

Good one.

Hugo scowls at Ron.

BOB

You two make a lovely couple.

HUGO

Speaking of lovely, I was wondering

what Linda might be doing during

the week of...

Bob interrupts Hugo.

BOB

Shes not going with you Hugo.

HUGO

Let the lady speak for herself

Bob. Where is Linda?

BOB

In our bed. Sick.

Hugo cranes his head around Bob, looking into the kitchen.


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HUGO

I hope she hasnt been working.

One little slip up like a sick

employee... dirty utensils...

Hugo picks up a fork and grimaces.

HUGO (CONTD.)

or dare I dream, a health

inspectors wet dream...

a pest problem?

Tina enters with the backpack and moves quickly to thestaircase.

BOB

Tina, what are you doing home?

TINA

Er, umm. Im not feeling well.

Tina bolts up the stairs before Bob question her. He turnsback to Hugo.

HUGO

Hmm two contagious employees...

Hugo jots something down on his notepad.

HUGO

She better not be working today.

I dont like it Bob, I dont

like it one bit.

Hugo swipes his finger along the counter, examines the dirtand then rapidly scribbles something on his notepad.


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RONEhh Hugo.

HUGONot now Ron, Im busy.

Ron checks his watch.

RON

Hugo we only...

Hugo

What? What could be so important

that youd interrupt my

pre-inspection?

RON

We only have five minutes to

make it to Shirleys Deli in

time for lunch.

HUGO

Complementary Hoagies, just

another perk of being the big

man.

Hugo winks at Bob.

BOB

Sure. Big man.

Bob stands up straight making Hugo look even smaller.

HUGO

Well, yes Bob. Make sure


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HUGO (CONTD.)

everything is ship shape on

Friday.

BOB

Bon voyage.

HUGO

Until Friday, Bob. Enjoy

these last few days.

Ron holds the door open. Hugo walks backward maintaining

eye contact with Bob until hes left the restaurant.

BOB

(TO SELF) Now wheres that rat?

CUT TO:

INT. BOBS BURGERS TINAS ROOM MOMENTS LATER

Tina sits cross legged next to her bookcase with Genesbackpack open on her lap and a shoebox next to her.

TINA

Its okay now Anne, youre safe.

Tina gently puts the rat family into the shoe box.

TINA

I have the perfect hiding spot

for you.

Tina pushes back her bookcase to reveal a small hole in the wall that is empty except for her diary.

TINA

Youll be safe here next to my


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TINA (CONTD.)

diary.

Tina lovingly places the shoe box in the crawlspace.

ANGLE ON: Tinas pink diary. The lock opens and the pagesbegin to turn rapidly.

CUT TO:

INT. WWII ERA WAR-TORN GERMANY NIGHT (DREAM SEQUENCE)

Tina stands dressed in an attic as Mr. van Daan, with JimmyJr. next to her wearing a dress. Air raid sirens andartillery echo in the background in contrast to sad ItzhakPerlman like violin music.

JIMMY JR.

Oh Mr. van Daan, I mean Tina, we

cant afford to keep giving them

food.

TINA

My beloved, they need this food

to live!

JIMMY JR.

At what cost!

The sound of marching growing louder in the background.Jimmy Junior looks scared.

TINA

Jimmy, do we really want our

children to be raised in a

household that doesnt care for

those in need.


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JIMMY JR.

I... I... Im just so afraid.

Jimmy junior erupts into tears.

TINA

Think of Tina Jr. Be strong for

children.

Tina puts her arms around Jimmy Jr.

Jimmy Jr.

Oh youre right dearest. You

always know whats best.

Jimmy looks up into Tinas eyes lovingly.

JIMMY JR.

I wish I could stay in your arms

forever.

Tina bends down and kisses Jimmy Jr.

TINA

Come now. They must be starving.

Tina walks over to a tall bookcase and slides it out of the way.

After a beat, an anthropomorphized version of Anne and herfamily appears in the doorway.

Anne holds Tinas pink notebook in her hand.

Suddenly, the door is knocked down revealing Bob dressed asan SS officer.

He grins wildly as he points a Luger at the family.


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BOB

(YELLING) TINA!

END DREAM SEQUENCE.

FADE OUT:END OF ACT II


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ACT THREE

FADE IN:

INT. BOBS BURGERS TINAS ROOM CONTINUOUS

BOB

(YELLING) Tina! Open the door!

Tina quickly slides the bookcase back in place beforeopening the door. Bob stands in the doorway, his eyesbloodshot. Linda stands next to him sniffling.

BOB

So?

TINA

Umm... huh?

BOB

Isnt it obvious?

Bobs eyes bulge.

TINA

(CONCERNED) Dad, are you okay?

BOB

Im better than okay. Im using

your mothers allergy to find the

rats.

LINDA

Hi honey, (SNEEZES) dont be scared

your fathers just really tired,

and... (SNEEZES)


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BOB

The unending, unceasing, continuous

sneezing...

LINDA

Oh Bobby, Im s...

Linda sneezes loudly and Bob winces.

TINA

Dad, are you going to...

BOB

That which has driven me to the

brink of madness, turned out to be

the key! With your mothers nose we

can track every damn dirty rat in

the place!

CUT TO:

EXT. SCHOOL PLAYGROUND JUNGLE GYM MOMENTS LATER

Andy and Ollie stand as disciples in front of Gene, as hecontinues to fart trombone. Louise walks around the crowdcollecting gum, quarters, anything she can get. Factionsof the crowd begin to walk away, yet a core group of abouttwenty followers sit cross-legged humming in unison.

GENE

Louise, I cant keep this up much

longer.

LOUISE

Then find Roberto and Ill take


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LOUISE (CONTD.)

over.

Gene jumps off the jungle gym and runs home to search.Louise addresses the crowd from the ground.

LOUISE

It wont be long now until we are

reunited with the blessed Roberto.

CROWD

Amen.

LOUISE

Let us turn our gaze to the

tapestry that Andy and Ollie have

constructed in honor of the miracle

that took place earlier today.

Andy/Ollie

What tapestry?

LOUISE

Youve got crayons, draw something!

Mr. Frond walks onto the playground with the vice principaland Genes teacher.

MR. FROND

Thats enough Louise.

LOUISE

The non-believers wish to silence

us!


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TEACHER

Stop this immediately!

LOUISE

Drown out their threats with

prayer!

CROWD

Kumbaya Ronnie, Kumbaya...

The crowd circles the teachers and continues to chant.

LOUISE

I will return with the prophet!

Roberto shall protect us!

Louise examines the loot in her hat while she runs back tothe Diner.

The crowd grows louder and more boisterous as the teacherstry to break free.

CUT TO:

INT. BOBS BURGERS DINING ROOM LATER THAT DAY

Bob follows Linda as she walks through the house, sniffingthe air. Tina is bored and growing agitated.

LINDA

Bobby, weve searched the whole

house from top to bottom.

BOB

Maybe this was a bad idea.

LINDA

All weve found out is that Im


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LINDA (CONTD.)

allergic to dust and we have a

mold problem in the basement.

TINA

Dad, can I go back to my room

now?

BOB

Okay Tina, but keep an eye out.

Lin you take five, but keep that

nose sharp.

Bob begins to manically search the cupboards. Linda,exhausted, slumps into a chair. Tina walks towards herroom.

INT. BOBS BURGERS HALLWAY CONTINUOUS

Tina reaches for the handle of her door, only to realizeits unlocked. She pushes the door open to reveal.

INT. BOBS BURGERS TINAS ROOM CONTINUOUS

Tina rushes inside to find the bookcase ajar and theshoebox missing. She darts back into the hallway.


She dashes towards Genes room coming to a sliding halt.Flickering light can be seen coming from underneath thedoor. Tina opens the door.

INT. BOBS BURGERS GENES ROOM CONTINUOUS

The room is lit entirely by candle light. The rat and itschildren rest in a shoebox on a pillow on top of a homemadeshrine. Gene kneels in front of them wearing one of Bobsblack bathrobes, its clearly far too large for him.


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TINA

Gene!

Gene turns around and extends his arms to Tina.

GENE

Ah sister come and bathe in

the glow of the miracle.

Tina rushes towards Gene and he stands up defensively.

GENE

No! You cant take them from

me!

TINA

Gene this isnt healthy.

GENE

Bahh! Thats what you said

about Cirque de Flea!

TINA

And I was right!

Gene pauses for a second, allowing Tina to run around him.

GENE

Robertos my prophet!

Gene tries to get past Tina as she grabs the shoebox withthe rats.

TINA

She isnt a prophet!


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GENE

Hes only the leader of our

generation!

Gene manages to grab one end of the shoebox.

TINA

Shes a mother!

GENE

The mother of a new religion!

The two circle, stuck in a tug of war.

TINA

Gene youve gone mad.

Louise runs past the doorway, before charging into theroom.

GENE

Youre just jealous!

LOUISE

Thats right Gene, she just

wants this cash cow all to

herself.

Louise grabs a corner of the box and the three continue tocircle struggling for possession.

GENE

Roberto is not a cash cow!

LOUISE

Thats right! Shes just like us.


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GENE

No shes even better!

Bob towers in the doorway, his eyes are even more bloodshotthan before. He breathes heavily and his nostrils flare.

BOB

Finally!

Linda appears in the doorway and sneezes.

LINDA

Bobby, look its...

Before Linda can finish her sentence Bob rushes into theroom and pries the shoebox from their hands.

LOUISE

Dad!

GENE

Roberto!

TINA

Dont hurt Anne!

LINDA

Bob, calm down youre scaring

the kids.

BOB

This is for the kids!

Bob holds the box above his and goes out the door. Tina,Gene, and Louise follow.

LINDA

Ugh. Im going back to bed.


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Bob rushes to the stairway. Gene pushes back his siblingsand koala bears Bobs right leg.

BOB

Stop it Gene.

GENE

Not until you give Roberto back.

TINA

Dont hurt them!

BOB

Im not going to hurt them. Im

going to kill them.

LOUISE

Well, dads finally snapped.

INT. BOBS BURGERS STAIRWAY CONTINUOUS

Gene tightens his grasp on one of Bobs legs. Tina andLouise look on from the top of the stairs.

Bob drags him down each step with a loud thud.

GENE

Dad think of what we can learn!

BOB

Like how fast a rat deep fries?

GENE

Ahhh!

Gene begins to bite Bobs leg.


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BOB

Gene! Let go now or youre

grounded for the rest of your

natural born life!

Gene lets go and Bob darts into the kitchen.

INT. BOBS BURGERS KITCHEN MOMENTS LATER

Bob enters with the shoebox underneath his right arm. Thechildren walk in. Bob turns on the deep fryer and thesizzle of molten hot grease fills the room.

TINA

Ah its worse than I imagined.

LOUISE

I bet they did this in the

inquisition!

Gene starts to kneel and pray.

Bob moves the box towards the fryer when the top falls off. Annie stands on her hindquarters staring into Bobs eyes.

Bob pauses, looks at his kids, and then back to the rat.He turns the fryer off and puts the top back on theshoebox. Then he hands the box to Tina.

GENE

Its a miracle!

BOB

No Gene, your father just wasnt thinking clearly. Bobrubs his temple.

GENE

But what about the immaculate

male conception?


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BOB

What? Only women can have kids...

GENE

So it is a miracle?

BOB

No, Gene. Childbirth, the creation

of new life, no matter how small or

insignificant is a miracle that

happens every moment of every day.

TINA

So can we keep them?

BOB

No Tina, but we dont have to kill

them. We can bring them to the pet

store around the corner.

The three children join together to hug Bob.

LOUISE

Just ignore any calls you get from

school dad.

BOB

What?

LOUISE

Oh nothing. Youre the best dad

ever!


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The children leave the kitchen. The phone rings. Boblistens for a second before putting the receiver down.

BOB

Louise! Gene!

FADE OUT:

END OF ACT THREE

FADE IN:

TAG

EXT. PET STORE THE NEXT DAY

Bob walks out of the pet store, and walks off screen. Afew seconds later, we see Ollie and Andy looking throughthe window before they enter the store. Immediately afterthey enter a hoard of worshiping schoolchildren follow.

FADE TO BLACK:

END OF SHOW


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The Immaculate Conniption

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Transcript of The Immaculate Conniption